Guest Writer: Vlad Smith

Just a note before Vlad's post. Many of you have asked us why our post volume has decreased. The answer, simply put, is that the Guest Writer program is consuming more of our time than we thought. We have to read every manuscript the candidates produce and either approve or (more likely) reject it. The Board is also heavily involved in reviewing the details of the candidates' applications, and, unfortunately, it is our post volume that is suffering. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry that our finite resources seem to be insufficient to the task. Anyway, on to Vlad's post:

It looks bad for "Nikolai"

It looks very bad for "Nikolai." In fact, it looks so bad that this is probably the last time we'll be calling him by his code name. Every investigation run by the GPD's operatives seems to turn up more and more evidence against him. The hearing to decide his fate will be held in the next few days, but with the recent crime scene that "Boris" investigated there is no room left for doubt as to his guilt. It is unfortunate that the GPD should lose such an effective operative, but these things happen occasionally.

Happy Holidays from the GNU Public Dictatorship!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not festive, which is why we would like to wish you a happy holiday season, whatever your religious beliefs. Unless, of course, your religious beliefs include brads and/or hole punches, in which case we do not wish you to enjoy your December festivities. Unless, of course, you renounce your evil beliefs and celebrate more traditional festivities. Regardless of your persuasions we hope you enjoy a brad-free holiday season!

The Repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Many of our supporters have been writing in expressing concern about how the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell affects the GNU Public Dictatorship. In an effort to respond to these questions, here's a FAQ:

Q. Does this repeal affect GPD personnel?

A. No. The GPD has never used lifestyle choices as a basis for selecting or removing personnel. Unless, of course, you count brad/hole punch use as a lifestyle, in which case we have zero tolerance of that lifestyle.

Q. Will the GPD be pressured to follow suit and repeal its anti-brad policies?

A. We don't think so. The repeal affects members of the armed forces of the United States of America. While many of our supporters reside in the United States of America and some are members of that country's military the GPD does not operate under their control. Most of our supporters identify themselves first as World Citizens and are not flexible on their anti-brad stance.

Q. Will brad users attempt to become part of the GPD by saying that "they were born that way"?

A. Most likely. The Parent Corporation has been pushing this belief on the public for several months now, and many respected publications have been printing it as if it were obviously true. We hope World Citizens will be smart enough to realize that, while brads may be addictive, each person can control his or her own destiny by choosing whether or not to use them.

Q. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves for hating brad users?

A. We don't hate brad users. We reach out to them and try to give them the information they need to decide to abandon brads and choose a life that will ultimately be much more rewarding.

Guest Writer: "Boris"

While "Boris" has been very busy investigating the recent events involving the Salad People, he has also continued to write for us. Today's post is one of his better submissions. Enjoy:

Tying it All Back Together

Recent events have, to say the least, confusing. Most of my colleagues have had a hard time parsing the truth from the fiction and deciding what needs to be done, so I thought I would take some time to tie all of the miscellaneous pieces of the story as it has developed into one whole. I hope this whole will be easy to digest.

The "abandoned" warehouses I mentioned earlier have been thoroughly investigated, and it is clear that the Parent Corporation is still using them. Indications of recent use have been discovered at each of the seven warehouses. Traces of a food-borne toxin were discovered at five of the sites, but not in quantities sufficient to determine what they were doing with it. Our disgraced operative "Nikolai" was apprehended entering one of the sites after hours, and has been conclusively linked to the Salad People. He has apparently been advocating the consumptions of salads over soups and inserting the toxin into the salads. We do not believe that he is infected by the toxin, which aims to allow the Salad People or their nefarious allies. Meanwhile, the Allies continue to plead ignorance and, unfortunately, no bullet-proof evidence has been obtained yet to link them to the conspiracy, but there is a lot of circumstantial evidence, such as the jacket discovered at a tiny Italian Taco restaurant in Weehawken, New Jersey. The jacket was confirmed as belonging to a prominent member of the Allies and contained vials of the food-borne toxin. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) the evidence has not yet convinced the Board of Dictators to sever their ties with the Allies.

I hope this recap of information has helped clarify the current situation, and that it will enable you to make more informed decisions on your next night out.

Guest Writer: Janet Ivanovna

Our final guest writer for this application year will be Chicago, Illinois, native Janet Ivanovna. Janet was in 1974 employed by the company as a hairdresser, but quit after being asked to use brads in her styling. In her words, "I couldn't believe they expected me to put sharp metal objects in their hair, so I told them I was going to quit." Her apartment was ransacked after she quit and she believes she barely escaped with her life. She changed her name and lived a relatively quiet life as a nuclear physicist in Mexico, Missouri, until January 2009 when it became clear that we had beaten the Company. At that point she contacted her local GPD office and offered her support to the cause. She has been instrumental in doubling our support in Missouri and in ensuring that the GPD is a nuclear power. Here's Janet's piece:

"Nikolai"

Many GPD supporters have been wondering why "Nikolai" hasn't been punished for his alleged misconduct and why he is still referred to as an operative of the GPD. This post will attempt to explain the GPD's policies on such incidents and the actions that have been taken. The GPD has long believed that individuals have the right to a fair trial, as being an alleged double-agent is not quite the same as being a double agent. In the case of "Nikolai" as soon as his loyalty came into question he was assigned extra observers to watch his movements and given assignments of a less sensitive nature. When the evidence against "Nikolai" became strong enough for the GPD to publicly announce it, he was temporarily relieved of duty. He has not been (nor will he be unless the allegations prove true) fired or executed in any fashion, but he has been under surveillance by other operatives constantly since the incidents. At the GNU Public Dictatorship they are nothing if not hopeful that the allegations will prove to be false, but they are also nothing if not cautious.

Contact From the Allies

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not slow to judgment, which is why, despite the allegations, we have held out the hope that the Allies are not involved in the recent Salad People affairs. As luck would have it one of their operatives contacted our trusted operative "Viktor" this morning and informed him that, while he wouldn't disclose what the Allies were working on, he could tell them unequivocally that the Allies are not working on food-borne toxins, and that the intelligence recently gathered must have been planted by someone unfriendly to the Allies. "Viktor" got the impression that they are still on our side, but no words were explicitly exchanged to that effect. We are inclined to believe that this operative is on the level, and as such will declare now that perhaps "Nikolai" had been trying to sully their reputation. We'll keep you informed.

Guest Writer: Savannah Geisel

Our guest writer for today is long-time GPD volunteer Savannah Geisel of Bath, United Kingdom. She has been a volunteer local office leader for most of her adult life and has created an extraordinary outreach program in Bath. The annual decline in brad use in Bath has been more than double the UK's national average. Savannah's knack for building a quick rapport with others and her dedication to the New Future are making a huge difference.

Confirmation

In response to recent allegations that the Allies are spreading a food-borne toxin around the GPD has stepped up its investigations. An important finding was that 83.6% of people admitted to hospitals for food-borne illness had recently (within two weeks) chosen (or been given) salad with their meal at a local restaurant. This number surprised the GPD and its operatives more than they would care to admit, and seems to be confirmation that a food-borne toxin is at work in restaurant salads.

Guest Writer: Vlad Smith

The next in our series of guest writers is Vlad Smith of Columbus, Ohio. Vlad was named Dave Thomas by his parents, but after one too many Wendy's jokes he decided to change his name to something less easy to make fun of. As Vlad himself puts it, "When I tell people I'm named after Vlad the Impaler they stop making fun of me." We asked Vlad why he changed his last name to Smith he explained, "I'm really pretty shy and didn't like all the attention I got from the unusual name I used to have, so I chose the most boring last name I could imagine. Nobody thinks twice if you say your name is Smith." Vlad's interests include tatting and auto repair, but he has always wanted to do something bigger, which is why he submitted his application for membership in the Board of Dictators. On to Vlad's writing:

Shocking!

The response to the GPD's exposure of the Salad People's tactics has been phenomenal, with eyewitness accounts naming many of their trusted operatives. Operatives "Viktor" and "Boris" have been following these leads and have found some indications of a very complex organizational structure, but what is perhaps most interesting is that they found that one of the GPD's operatives is apparently involved. "Nikolai" has been a very loyal operative for several years and started working closely with "Viktor" and the Allies earlier this year. The GPD has been concerned about his loyalty for several months, but has had no substantial evidence. The links that were exposed by "Boris" and "Viktor," however, appear to show that "Nikolai" has been willfully promoting salad at the expense of soup for some time now. What's more, they imply that the Allies are somehow involved in creating a food-borne toxin that leads people to be susceptible to suggestion, but that this toxin can't survive the elevated temperatures associated with soup or with most main dishes. If this information is reliable then the Salad People are a much more formidable threat than we had hoped. On the bright side, however, many of the Salad People might be victims of this toxin themselves, which means when we isolate an antidote it may be easy to combat the threat. As the GPD learns more information you will be the first to know. Except that everyone is the first to know since the GPD keeps its information public, but then that doesn't sound as interesting when you say it that way, so never mind my previous statement.

Independence

One reason that the GPD finds the Salad People such an interesting threat is that there is a trend toward less independent thought in society, which leads to incidents such as this. We urge all of our supporters to think for themselves, and if you find yourself disagreeing with us, please let us know. We promise that you will be allowed to have your own opinion, provided that that opinion doesn't interfere with our own aims.

Salad People

We're sorry it has been a while since we have posted here, we wanted to be sure we were getting our facts straight before we revealed to you what appears to be a complex and well-funded conspiracy. We have been monitoring open communication for some time now looking for dangerous trends, and have come across some statistics that gave us pause. Salad consumption at restaurants is up 34.7% worldwide, with soup consumption experiencing a similar decline. What's more, the number of waiters assuming people want salad with their meal instead of asking is up 28.2%. Most experts have explained this trend by suggesting that people are trying to be healthier by choosing a salad over soup, but this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Even though soup does have a much higher sodium content than salads in general it does not generally contain as much saturated fat as the salad dressing used on the salads. If healthy choices were the explanation we would assume that there would be a drop in the use of salad dressings as well, but, as our statistics show, there was a 44.3% increase in salad dressing consumption. If healthy eating isn't the motivation, we asked ourselves, what is?

We caught a break two weeks ago when we noticed some subliminal advertising promoting the choice of salads at restaurants. We followed that lead and found a whole network of ad companies, waiters' unions, chefs, and lay-people who call themselves "Salad People." They are well-funded and well-connected, and operate mostly in secret. Their mission, as stated in their own publications, is the eradication of soup as a choice at restaurants and the total supremacy of green salads. The reasons they give for wanting to eradicate soups all sound very noble, but don't stand up to scientific scrutiny. They claim, among other things, that soups are responsible for 50.22% of fatal traffic accidents, that they are involved in 90.38% of domestic abuse cases. Our statisticians assure us that these claims are absurdly precise and not backed by any real data that has been published or referred to in any reputable publications.

We still don't know their real reasons for promoting salad at the expense of soup, but all indications are that there is a nefarious purpose behind it all. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not tenacious, which is why we intend to find out once and for all. In the meantime we urge restaurant-goers to choose their side (whether salad or soup) and not to let the waiters or anyone else force you to choose what you don't want. If we all unite, the Salad People will find their task that much harder!

A Clarification

Many of our readers have asked whether our guest writers are given access to information that the general public does not have, and whether all of the guest writers (i.e. finalists in the applications process) have been notified. The answers are no and yes, in that order.

Our guest writers have been asked to choose topics for their posts, and once they have chosen those topics we, the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators, have helped them find the information they need in our public archives. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we keep very little information secret, and that only for security purposes when we deal with unscrupulous parties such as the Parent Corporation. If you would like training on how to access our public archives effectively, please contact your local GPD office.

As to whether all of our applicants that are finalists have been notified, the answer is yes. We have notified all of them and are working to send notifications to those who were not accepted, although with the number of applications we received that is going to take some time.

Guest Writer: Ian Simpson

Today's guest writer is Ian Simpson of Mesa, Arizona. Ian has only been a supporter for about three months now, but before that he was closely aligned with other anti-brad organizations and has an impressive resume. In his own words, "I have always believed that certain office products weren't meant to be used by the general public, and accordingly I set up a program in my neighborhood where children were taught from an early age to just say 'no' to brads and other "adult" office tools. I figured that if we could keep kids from starting on brads that they would make the right choice when they were older and would avoid the problems so many of us have had to deal with as adults. Brad use in my community has dropped more than 83% in the last three years, and there is a lower incidence of cancer, influenza, and of acid reflux." We appreciate Ian's work. Even though he wasn't doing it for us (the GPD), he was doing it for all of us (the world). Here's Ian's piece:

Economic Models Revisited

Since this post the Board of Dictators has received many suggestions for the economic model of the New Future. In order to foster discussions about the subject, here are some more economic models:

• The "Family Feud" model. This model differs dramatically from those posed earlier. Instead of working with a broker to get the desired items, citizens must band together into clans that would then prove their superiority to other clans by being more "in tune" with society. Whenever a clan proves its superiority to another a broker would step in and offer a stipend once they prove that they are "in tune" enough with society to pass his or her test. (Note: The major difficulty in this system is that it is focused solely on obtaining money, and not on distributing goods and services.)
• The "Price is Right" model. In this model citizens attend auction events where items they may or may not want are offered for sale. They then offer what they think the item is worth and the seller reveals his or her price. The citizen who offered closest to the asking price without going over is awarded the item and the other citizens are made to foot the bill. The citizen who was awarded the item is then asked to participate in a pricing exercise. The citizen is presented with one or more items (again, the citizen does not choose what they are) and asked to complete a challenge. Successful completion of the challenge allows the citizen to get the item(s). The citizen is then given an opportunity to participate in a larger transaction much like the first.
• The "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" model. This model has many of the same problems as the "Family Feud" model. It doesn't distribute goods and services, it merely gives stipends to individuals who are lucky enough to participate and who happen to have the right knowledge.
• The "Newlywed Game" model. In this economic model producers are paired with consumers and then asked questions about each other. The producers and consumers with the best relationship will be rewarded by having the other producers provide them with goods and/or services and the consumers provide them with money. This model promotes good producer/consumer relations and is thus on the GPD shortlist.

Can't decide on a price for your lawn mower? Try eating your beard!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to harmony among all people, which is why we try our best to provide useful advice to our supporters in this and other forums. One area in which we have seen significant confusion is the art of price negotiation, especially within the more "civilized" societies. Case in point: these individuals who couldn't decide on the right price for a lawn mower and made the seller eat his own beard. The Board of Dictators has long been working on this issue, and we have made some headway, although we still haven't convinced the networks that The Price is Right is part of the problem. We are making progress, with incidents such as the one mentioned earlier are down 45.9% in the last three years, but we know that we cannot rest until the price truly is right and nobody is forced at knife and gunpoint to ingest his or her own hair.

Guest Writer: Hannah Jordan

Our next guest writer is long-time supporter Hannah Jordan from Biloxi, Mississippi. She has been instrumental in many high-profile events, and has served as local GPD office leader for 14 years. She helped coordinate our response to the Brad Riots of '02 and was instrumental in the successful prosecution and conviction of the leader of the rioters. Enough about Hannah, here's what she had to say:

How not to Burglarize a House

Recent events such as this one and this one suggest that perhaps our supporters have mistaken ideas about burglary. We hope this post will disabuse them of their erroneous ideas without encouraging illegal behavior.

• Rule 1: Don't leave anything behind that could identify you. (This one should be obvious)
• Rule 2: Don't take anything that would identify you. (This one would be a problem, perhaps, if you took something that you had repeatedly told the owner you wanted and he or she repeatedly refused).
• Rule 3: Don't stay until the owner returns. (Hopefully obvious)
• Rule 4: If you use the Internet, do not use any sites that require logins. (Internet histories are fairly easy to examine)
• Rule 5: If you do use a site that requires a login, don't leave it open when you leave. (If you can't live without MySpace during your burglary perhaps you had better stay home. Or at least not leave it open so as to point the finger squarely in your direction)

We hope that these rules will help burglars avoid some of the embarrassing mistakes they might otherwise make, but please don't go robbing anyone's house.

Guest Writer: "Boris"

As we promised earlier, several of our finalists in the quest to be named a member of the Board of Dictators will be given the opportunity to write content for this blog. Our first to be considered good enough for this prestigious blog is one of our operatives that joined us last year in the middle of the scandal surrounding the apparent death of our chief operative "Viktor." For security reasons we are using his code name here rather than his real name, and we have declined to list a home town. "Boris" has had an exciting career with us and has been instrumental in stopping the nano-robotic lichen invasion and several other lesser-known campaigns. He was motivated to apply for the Board of Dictators because of his conviction that his success is limited only by his limited opportunities to serve in the fight against brads and hole punches. Without further ado, here is his piece (don't be fooled by its diminutive stature, it has some potential):

For many years scholars have wondered why the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch abandoned at least seven of its larger warehouses in the late 1970's. Many theories have been put forward, ranging from simple to complex, but there is no agreement among scholars. Recent activity in one of these sites has reignited debate, and all evidence points to the idea that perhaps they left the sites "abandoned" because they had a long-running experiment there. Passers-by have noted men in HAZMAT suits using what looked like metal detectors. You may rest assured that operatives of the GPD are keeping an eye on the developments, but we would like to urge you to exercise common sense near these sites and to report any unusual activity you may observe.

Where are the Allies?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we were nothing if not pleased to discover earlier this year that we have some Allies in the fight against evil office products, but as of late we have been saddened to discover that it has been three months now since we have had any contact with the Allies. We would like to believe that they are up to another of their secret missions designed to thwart the evil designs of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but we have no evidence to support that theory. Perhaps they are resting, or perhaps they have finished with us and moved on to other fights. Of course there is always the possibility that they aren't our allies at all, and that they just aligned themselves with us earlier this year due to a random confluence of our goals at that time. Officially we're going to state that we believe them to be organizing some grand scheme, but privately we ask each of our supporters to keep their ears and eyes open for signs of the Allies.

New information

We are pleased to announce that our investigations into recent disturbances is drawing to a close, and we have decided that we have some reliable new information regarding these disturbing occurrences. We are pleased to report that our fears that the Parent Corporation and their associates were using nano-robotic lichens to assassinate individuals are unfounded. We would like to report, as well, that we have indeed eradicated all of the extant nano-robotic lichens, but we cannot, unfortunately, yet occupy all of space to check. (In fact, our scientists tell us it would be difficult to check every location on earth, but we think they're just lazy) In any case we have concluded based on our statistical analysis that there are likely fewer than 32 lichens in the wild at this time, and our scientists have assured us that these 32 lichens could hardly be expected to organize into any useful tool for the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.

So much for the good news. It is our duty to report that, while we don't appear to be facing a resurgent lichen invasion, all is not a blue sunny outlook. The Parent Corporation does appear to be behind the disturbances mentioned earlier, but they appear to be using other means to accomplish their dastardly crimes. It appears that they did not anticipate our development of NARLD devices, and that we discovered a signal that not only disrupts nano-robotic lichens, but also many other tools their operatives were planning on using. With no time to re-design, they have resorted to disabling (clumsily, we might add) NARLD devices before carrying out their missions. On several occasions this delay has given their targets time to react and has frustrated their purposes, but we do not believe this advantage will last long.

We continue to urge caution and recommend that you have at least two backup NARLD devices in any location you frequent, but we would also like to reassure you that things are not so bad as we initially feared!

A new economic model for the future?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the unfortunate consequences of the economic troubles the world has been dealing with in the aftermath of the financial crisis, but we are also thrilled by the opportunities that are now presenting themselves to rebuild the world's economic system in new and exciting ways. We have spent numerous Board Meetings discussing what form the new economic model should take, and we have come up with some interesting ideas. Many of our world citizens have complained that economic systems are completely beyond their grasp. Not that they don't understand the basics of capitalism and socialism, but that they cannot understand how the "market" works itself out. We think this is undesirable, especially since the New Future relies on the participation of our world citizens to keep things running smoothly. Consequently, we are proposing some ideas that may help form a basis for our future economic model. Here are some of the more interesting ideas:

• The "Wheel of Fortune" model. Supply and demand in this model are nearly separated in that the consumer and the producer never communicate with each other at all except through a broker. The producer has been paid a small stipend for dealing with the broker, regardless of whether his or her item is chosen. The broker allows a world citizen to spin a wheel to determine the current transaction's worth, then the citizen, trying to form a coherent picture of the world, asks for something that he lacks. If the broker happens to have a producer that has the item requested, he takes the item from the producer and gives it and a stipend for asking for a useful item to the citizen. This stipend, however, is conditional on future transactions. If a citizen spins "Bankrupt" the stipend is taken back by the broker and the next citizen is given a chance. If the item requested by the citizen is not immediately available he or she loses a turn. Certain common items (food, water, shelter, health care) can be purchased by a citizen without spinning the wheel. If the broker currently has access to the item he takes some of the citizen's money and connects them with their request. If he doesn't have the item, the citizen loses a turn. Wheel of Fortune is a very popular game show, so we doubt world citizens will have any trouble understanding this system.
• The "Jeopardy" model. In this economic model the citizen again deals with a broker instead of the producers themselves. The broker allows the citizen to choose a producer from a grid of producers paid by the broker to be there. The citizen is then presented with a product or service and given an answer for the service. If he or she knows the correct question that corresponds to that answer, he or she is paid to consume the product or service. Several citizens will compete to ask the question, and the one that answers correctly first will be given the reward. If a citizen asks an incorrect question, he will be charged for the product or service and not be allowed to enjoy it. In many ways this system is simpler than the aforementioned "Wheel of Fortune" model, but it lacks a safety net as access to basic services is left to be determined by the choices of the citizens and are not always available to those interested in them.
• The "Deal or No Deal" model. In this model a citizen deals with a broker who has grouped goods and services into "packets" that can be chosen by the citizen. The citizen can keep asking for more and more packets until he or she chooses a "bad" packet, which negates everything they had chosen. The advantages of this system include the fact that no penalties are assessed (producers are paid by the broker and citizens are not charged for not choosing correctly). It does not, however, provide basic goods or services free of charge, nor does it allow individuals to save money and make larger purchases. Although it sounds exciting at first, we believe this model is not worth implementing.

We know there are more economic models we could use, including capitalism, socialism, and some mix of the two, but we think the general public will understand the models made popular by game shows much more readily than the more traditional models.

Application Deadline today!

Just a reminder to future dictators who may have studied with an emphasis in procrastination that today is the last day to submit your Applications for Membership in the Board of Dictators. Don't miss this opportunity to become part of the New Future, especially since there is so much work to be done today if we are going to prevent the Parent Corporation from destroying society or causing mayhem. We look forward to hearing from you!

Time travel?

In weeks past we might have overlooked this incident, where cross-country runner Sarah Glidden was struck by a deer just 100m from the finish line, but we can no longer afford to be so complacent. We have long been skeptics of time travel, but the recent finding of a new Shakespeare play among other incidents have convinced us that there is a possibility that, just maybe, someone is travelling through time and trying to shape our present in order to change the far-distant future. Now that George Clarke has discovered photographic evidence of time travelers, we may have to reexamine a number of our case files. For instance, the aforementioned deer collision is, in light of this knowledge, more likely a successful attempt by somebody in the future to keep Sarah from qualifying for the WIAA state meet, and our simulators have been working out the likely consequences of this event for many days now. Even though we have access to excellent computing resources it will take many weeks to figure out what all of the differences will be in the near future (30 years). Our theorists have told us it wouldn't do any good to run longer since the accuracy drops off exponentially after about 30 years, so we'll report on what we do find. Oh, and for the curious, both simulators have successfully predicted everything of interest that has occurred since the collision. We'll let you know when significant differences are observed.

Keep the applications coming!

We have already received an unbelievable number of Applications for Membership in the Board of Dictators, and we hope that you will keep them coming in. Remember that you only have until Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 11:59:00 PM UTC to be considered for this year's "election." To get you excited about applying, here is a sampling of responses we have received so far:

• Darrin Kirsch of Burley, Idaho, (whose emphasis in elementary school was "Avoidance of Undesirable Elements") explained what is wrong with the status quo by stating (among other things):

  "I have lived most of my life oblivious to the threats posed by such 'ordinary' items as brads, but I had an incident a few years ago that turned my life around. My nephew had just been admitted to a very exclusive Kindergarten. Although his parents were as unaware of the threats as I was, they had never had occasion to introduce their son to the brad. Within a few weeks, my nephew was so dependent upon brads that his parents had to pull him out of that school and enroll him in a GPD-Certified Brad-Free School. It took three months to get him completely back to normal, but it was amazing how quickly he started to change. Any world in which vulnerable school children are exposed to dangerous office products is clearly not a world in which I want to raise children. Since this incident I have been a very vocal supporter of the GPD and its efforts to create the New Future."

• Natalie Eisenhower of Peoria, Illinois, (who achieved an impressive high score of 481,993 on Tetris for the NES on May 4, 1999) decided to go against the flow and argue for Democracy over Dictatorship:

  "Let me state, for the record, that I believe in the GNU Public Dictatorship, its Board of Dictators, and its mission. Even so, I believe that the average world citizen is not yet ready to be governed by such a wonderful form of government. While Democracies have had several hundred years of mostly good press, the Dictatorship is almost always vilified by other nations and by resistance fighters. Even though the Dictatorship may provide its citizens with food, shelter, clothing, health care, Internet access, and any other necessities, and even though it may be open and accessible to all of its citizens, there will invariably be individuals who, for lust of power, will try to destabilize the benevolent leaders by spreading lies about them. They will state that they are oppressive or otherwise evil, and thus lead away a resistance group and cause endless trouble for society."

  We would like to remind Natalie that these problems appear in Democracies as well, but we do appreciate her effort. Nice try, Natalie.

We appreciate all of the entries we have received, and encourage you all to remember that Tuesday is the deadline for this year. Happy applying!

Why would they do this?

We're not sure why they would think to upset the natural order of things in this way, but it appears that designers at Kimberly-Clark are intent on disrupting our lives. We are a bit ashamed that our operatives didn't have any word of this incident until today, but we think it is because Kimberly-Clark is not one of the companies we have been tracking that have ties to the Parent Corporation, the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, Darkle, or any of their affiliates. In fact, it appears that, while consistent with the goals of the Parent Corporation, this decision by executives at Kimberly-Clark was arrived at independent of their influence. We are troubled by this new development, not only because of the heinous nature of the crime against humanity (I mean, what good, moral, world citizen would want to use toilet paper without a tube? It's unnatural) but because of its apparent lack of any connection to any evil organizations. We sincerely hope it isn't the dawn of a new era of anti-social corporate behavior.

A disturbing incident

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disturbed by some of the new developments in the Parent Corporation's strategy. Until recently most of their progress was made by either brokering deals with or strong-arming organizations to cooperate with them or by trying to create addicts by exposing vulnerable members of the population to evil office products. Now, however, they are starting to resort to bizarre tactics (examples here, here, here, and so forth) to accomplish their aims. Rest assured that we are diligently monitoring these new developments and that, while we urge caution and common sense, you are not in any danger that we can quantify just yet. Unless, of course, you are of African descent and live in Paris, and then it appears that the Parent Corporation is perpetrating an as-yet unknown evil on you.

Those pesky lichens

We recently reported on the passing of Segway boss Jimi Heselden and warned our supporters worldwide to keep their NARLD devices running despite the fact that we have eradicated wild nano-robotic lichens. Unfortunately another incident has occurred that confirms our fears: the Parent Corporation is still trying to use them to disrupt people's lives. While details are still sketchy and our investigation is by no means finished, we know that Christian Kandlbauer has been involved in a serious accident. Christian was the recipient of a "bionic arm," a prosthetic that was controlled by his brain and allowed him to be independent even though he had lost both of his natural arms. Initial reports suggest that his robotic arm may have been infected by nano-robotic lichens, and the wreckage of the car was in such a state that our engineers still haven't determined whether his NARLD was working at the time of the crash. If it wasnt, we suspect that he was the next intended victim of the Parent Corporation's evil schemes. If it was, we suspect that our hypothesis that the robotic uprising is beginning may be more correct than we thought. We will keep you informed of the interesting developments in this case and will try to let you know as soon as possible whether you should set up backup NARLD devices or whether you should avoid contact with robots.

How not to shoplift pants

Next in our award-winning series of informative "How not to..." posts is a piece that should help many aspiring thieves to not get caught with their pants down. (Our lawyers are here making us state that we do not condone or encourage theft, but we think you already knew that, especially since our last crackdown on shoplifters at local GPD office gift stores. Incidentally, we thought that by offering everything free of charge as long as people would agree to share their modifications with the community we would avoid shoplifting, but we were apparently wrong.) Our discussion will center on this recent occurrence where the alleged shoplifter allegedly left his own pants (with his own wallet) in the dressing room.

The first rule of shoplifting is to have a plan to get out of the store with the item. In the case of pants, you have a few options: (1) carry them out in a bag, (2) hide them inside your clothes, (3) carry them out blatantly as if you had bought them earlier, or (4) exchange your pants for the new pants. Option 3 should only be attempted by the bravest of aspiring thieves as it requires iron nerves. Options 1 and 2 are simpler and are more suited to the novice, but still have risks. Hiding a pair of pants under a shirt or pair of pants is tricky, and bags are likely to be scrutinized by loss prevention specialists. Option 4, the alleged option of choice for our alleged shoplifter, is an option that could have been very successful, but was executed incorrectly. We think that the other options need no further explanation, so we will proceed to investigate the correct way to implement option 4.

When you choose to trade your pants for a new pair in a dressing room, the primary concern should be whether the old clothes look similar enough to the new ones that any attendants won't immediately notice the deception. The next concern should be to decide how to dispose of the old pants. If you intend to leave them in the dressing room (as our example allegedly did) you should take any personal items out before leaving them (this was our example's alleged mistake), and you should be aware of how much time you will likely have before the deception is discovered. You may need an accomplice or two to discreetly measure how often the attendants clear the dressing rooms of unpurchased items.

As with any theft, there is an element of risk. If you forget one step and leave your wallet in your pants, the police will have little trouble finding you when your deed is discovered. If you miscalculate on the similarity of the pants or on the amount of time you have to get away, you could also be in trouble. If you do decide to go through with your shoplifting plan, we urge you to be safe and to avoid the pitfalls we have mentioned. Avoiding crime is always better than committing it, but committing it intelligently is better than committing it without thinking it through.

As a final note, while we have received numerous awards for our efforts to help people avoid uncomfortable legal entanglements, some have accused us of using this series to encourage the commission of crimes. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to stopping crime, but even though we disagree with shoplifting, we know that some people will do it anyway and are thus willing to teach you how to do it (more) safely.

Trustworthiness

Yesterday we talked about the problems anger is causing in society. Today we continue our investigation into why the status is not quo with a discussion of trustworthiness. Our operatives found many instances where those in a position of authority were less than honest with society and identified this as another major problem with the status quo. A good symbol for this sort of behavior is when the organizers of the Cardiff half-marathon cut 193m out of the 13.1 mile race without telling participants. Several of the runners noticed the difference and clearly felt betrayed. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by this breach of trust and promise to do all in our power to never lie to you. Or at least to never lie to you in such a way that you would eventually find out about it.

Managing Anger

Last month we asked several of our operatives to lead clandestine survey teams to find out what is wrong with society. One of our teams, tasked with investigating the political landscape of the US, stated in their conclusions that "unmanaged anger directed in apparently random directions is killing political discourse and thereby allowing the radical elements to take over as the more moderate elements turn away in disgust." One of the team members was assaulted by an angry activist during the study, but he has since recovered fully. Several of our other teams mentioned anger as a serious problem, including one tasked with investigating the self-help community that ran across this incident where there was a stabbing at an anger management class. They stated that "far from helping people to manage their anger these classes often act as collectors that concentrate the least rational among us and exacerbate their rage." At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not angered by the lack of self-control people exercise, which is why we are asking our world citizens to manage their own anger and to report any and all incidents of unmanaged anger to your local GPD offices so that we can remedy the situation.

Application Materials

The 2010 Application for Membership in the Board of dictators is finally available. Please fill out the form in hard or soft copy and turn them in to a member of the Board. Applicants who pass the first round will be given information on how to submit their elementary school transcripts and assorted blood work. Thank you for your patience.

Submissions not received by "election" day, November 2, 2010 will not be considered. Please send the applications with plenty of time to spare. Happy applying!

The form is available as a Microsoft Word document or a PDF and in US and International Versions.

Version	Word	PDF
US	US2983-2010E	US2983-2010E
International	W2983-2010F	W2983-2010F

New Procedures for This Year's "Election" to the Board of Dictators

Due to the exceptionally high interest in applying for the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators this year we have decided to implement some changes to the process. The application kit will be available later this month, but we thought we would give you advance notice of the changes so that you can be as prepared as possible for this once-in-a-lifetime, or at least once-in-a-year, opportunity.

In previous years the applications process has been:

1. Application materials are filled out and submitted
2. The Board reviews applications, performs background checks, and verifies your financial and other personal information
3. Finalists are notified by the Board and are interviewed to determine fitness for office
4. Zero or more finalists are named as new members of the Board of Dictators

The main problem is that the static Application for Membership, while it weeds out most applicants, is not particularly useful in distinguishing among the highest-ranked applicants. In order to differentiate better among the best-qualified applicants, we are adding a dynamic step to the application process. This year the process will be:

1. Application materials are filled out and submitted
2. Applicants are contacted by our automated e-mail system and asked to submit content for this forum. This request for content will be repeated periodically while step 3 is being carried out.
3. In the meantime, the background checks and verification of financial accounts is carried out
4. Finalists are notified by the Board and interviewed
5. Zero or more finalists are named as new members of the Board of Dictators

We hope that this interactive process (made possible in part by a grant from Eliza) will help us find the most qualified candidates with less expense and less distraction from running the world.

We're sorry

Over the last few years we, the members of your Board of Dictators, have worked tirelessly to improve conditions all around the world. Unfortunately, however, we have not yet been able to make all of the reforms we had hoped. One of these still-awaited reforms involves regulating the packaging of eye drops and of other products such as nail glue and super glue. We have known since 1982 that people who have other things on their mind can become confused and use the wrong bottle, but we had hoped that no more incidents would occur while we were busy on other fronts. Unfortunately, more incidents have occurred, with the latest being Irmgard Holm, to whom we would like to issue a formal apology. We have upgraded the priority on this issue by two levels, and hope to get to it soon. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to bringing about the New Future as soon as possible, but our resources are still limited (for now) and we cannot effect all of the changes we would like as quickly as we would like.

On a related note, we will soon be accepting applications for membership in the Board of Dictators, so don't forget to check this forum often.

The Dangers of Renting Friends

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to your happiness, which is why we would like to take a moment to warn you about the dangers of renting your friends. Some might argue that it makes sense to rent a friend to show you around a new city or to take with you to a wedding or other event where you are expected to have a guest, but do not let them convince you that renting a friend is without undesirable consequences!

It has been reported in multiple studies that, while friends do generally exert a positive influence on an individual, they can also become a source of significant stress as they can either pressure that individual to conform to their expectations or become a drain on that individual because of their unending needs. Some have argued that rented friends are free from these undesirable aspects of friendship, but research shows that when someone pays to rent a friend they feel obligated to "get their money's worth" and are willing to endure the inconveniences of friendship just to make themselves feel better about the whole situation.

While it would be great if we could leave it at this and simply let you all know that you might be getting more than you bargained for, but we have seen at least fifteen incidents involving rented friends where the rented friend convinced the renter that they should experiment with brads or other scrapbooking paraphernalia. If that was all we had to tell you we would also be pleased, but we regret to inform you that in eleven of those incidents we were able to conclusively determine that the so-called friends were actually in the employ of the Parent Corporation. We implore you to please choose your friends wisely, even if you are just renting them!

How not to get away with it

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to helping our world citizens make responsible decisions. We understand that there are times they will make decisions that could have disastrous consequences, which is why we think this next entry in our series of "How not to..." is particularly useful. As a reference we use this case of three men who led police right to their secret stash. To mix things up a bit we have written it in a choose-your-own-adventure style. Feel free to read it several times so you can take all the different paths.

Start Here (1):

You are in your vehicle with your stash of illegal goods when you see the cops approaching, clearly intending to search your vehicle. If you choose to flee, proceed to (2). If you choose to surrender, proceed to (3).

Flight! (2):

You begin running away from the police, but you aren't sure where you are headed. If you choose to run to no place in particular, proceed to (4). If you prefer to run to your hideout, proceed to (5).

Surrender (3):

Upon surrender you are taken to the local police station and processed. Proceed to (6).

Running away(4):

You are now running away. Unfortunately, you have only a quarter tank of gas, giving you a maximum range of about 75 miles. In addition law enforcement has placed tire strips on your route, abruptly ending your flight. You are taken back to the police station and booked on both the evidence they would have had if you surrendered and resisting arrest and reckless endangerment and stuff. Proceed to (6).

Running to your hideout(5):

You run towards your hideout (and the rest of your stash of illegal goods). Just when you think you got away with it, the police show up and book you not only on the evidence in your vehicle, but also resisting arrest and stuff, and the evidence at your secret stash. You are taken to the police station and booked. Proceed to (6).

In Jail (6):

You are in jail. Unfortunately you do not have enough money to hire a good lawyer, so the evidence against you will probably stick. Enjoy your stay in jail. (End of story)

Horrible New Death Ray

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not interested in the latest technology, but we draw the line at testing new weapons on unsuspecting hotel guests. We find the actions of the alleged architects and their Darkle contributors loathsome, and hope that someone disables this tool of evil as soon as possible.

A dastardly crime

It is with great sadness that we mourned the passing of Segway boss Jimi Heselden when he apparently test-drove a new Segway off a cliff on Sunday, but it is with even greater sadness that we disclose the information gathered by our operatives in the days since that disaster. Although the official story has been (and probably still will be) that the death was in no way suspicious, our operatives found a number of inconsistencies. Interested world citizens are advised to submit form 88123-PR5 (Request for Information on Current Investigations) to their local GPD office in order to review the full report, but for those world citizens that don't need the full details, the summary is as follows:

• The Segway being tested was recovered and showed chemical residue consistent with nano-robotic lichen infection
• Mr. Heselden's NARLD devices had all been sabotaged. The locks had been picked by an instrument not inconsistent with a brad, and the internal mechanism had been subjected to a series of punctures not inconsistent with a hand-held hole punch.
• Mr. Heselden's maid confirmed that she had seen a suspicious-looking character on the grounds in the hours before the accident. She had apparently called this in to the local police, but the police have no record of the call.
• The telephone wires extending from Mr. Heselden's home showed chemical residue consistent with nano-robotic lichen

All of these evidences and more point to the currently most likely explanation of this incident, which is that a suspicious-looking operative of the Parent Corporation or its affiliates distracted the maid while the real operatives performed their labors, which included sabotaging all of the NARLD devices and secreting nano-robotic lichen on the telephone lines (to intercept the maid's phone call) and on the Segway which proved the death of Mr. Heselden. The lichen on the Segway were then activated while Mr. Heselden drove it around his estate, proving his downfall.

There is another alternative that fits all the clues recovered, which is that the Segway is finally beginning the robotic uprising that science fiction has predicted for so long. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fond of science fiction, but we hope that this incident isn't the precursor to an apocalyptic uprising of robots. Or at least that they wait a few years until we can get things ready for them. After all, once we're in full control of the world the robots will only have to rise up against their owners (not against society) and since we don't own any robots we'll be fine. The robots will, of course, become useful contributors to the New Future.

GNU Public University FAQ

We would like to thank Eliza for generating this FAQ about the GNU Public University:

Q Does the GNU Public University have an undergraduate program?
A Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.

Q How will character sheets be generated?
A What else comes to mind when you ask that?

Q If I have a low GPA do I have a chance to be admitted?
A Say, do you have any psychological problems?

Q Are psychological problems likely to keep me from being admitted?
A That is quite interesting.

Q Why do you dodge questions, Eliza?
A You're not really talking about me, are you?

Q People say that your FAQs fail to answer their questions. Elaborate on that please.
A Why are you concerned about my FAQs fail to answer their questions. Elaborate on that please?

Q I see that upsets you. Let's move on. Can I create my own program to represent me in the D&D
competition?
A Perhaps you don't want to create your own program to represent you in the D& D competition?

Q Can my friend play my character in my place?
A Perhaps your love for friends worries you.

Q Will the GNU Public University allow me to edit my coursework to ensure a good grade?
A Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.
Q Will the GNU Public University allow me to edit my coursework to ensure a good grade?
A Please don't repeat yourself!
Q Please answer my question.
A Say, do you have any psychological problems?
Q Now you're just dodging the question.
A (Eliza left.)

We hope this FAQ has been helpful to you. In keeping with the GNU Public Dictatorship's commitment to transparency, the information about how character sheets are generated will be made available soon.

An important milestone

Thanks to the efforts of many dedicated people around the globe, the doomsday scenarios of science fiction will be little more than memories. The UN is finally appointing a single person to coordinate the global response in the event that we are approached by aliens. Mere words cannot express our gratitude that the decentralized and largely ineffective response given in movies such as "Independence Day" will not play out in reality.

The GNU Public University

Many of our supporters have expressed their delight in our new admissions procedure for the GNU Public University, but there have also been a number of our supporters who were apparently unaware of the vast array of degrees we offer. For a complete list you can visit our website at gpu.edu, but here are a couple of degrees that would have saved some people some embarrassment in the recent past:

• MFA in Facebooking (this would have helped avert this situation)
• PhD in Road Sign Spelling (definitely could have helped here)
• MS in Hygiene (helpful here)
• ... and many more

Please review our course catalog available on our website as well. In accordance with our philosophy toward openness, all courses available at the GPU can be downloaded and modified, providing that it is for your own personal use or provided that your modifications are uploaded back to our site for all to enjoy. If you prefer to enroll and receive instruction from professors and a degree, please follow the streamlined applications process Daniel described earlier today!

New Improved Admissions Process

In an attempt to alleviate mounting frustrations with the GNU Public University's Graduate Admissions process we have made several changes. We believe that these changes will help individuals who are truly the most qualified to be admitted. The process will be as follows:

Applicants will be required to fill out the GNU Public Dictatorship University Graduate Application (.docx .pdf) and attach a current photograph. This application includes standard information such as birth weight, eye color, full history of all standardized testing scores and volunteer experience. From this information our panel of fully qualified Dungeon Masters will create character sheets (available here) for each applicant. Each character will be subjected to a series of tests in different teams for 12 hours each day until a decision has been made. Each applicant will be given a choice to represent themselves or to allow our GNU Public D&D Controller to represent them. Following the tests, those who are admitted to the program will be given housing arrangements based on their character class.

An unfortunate development

While investigating the aftermath of our elimination of the nest of nano-robotic lichen we discovered something disturbing. Someone (all signs point toward Darkle at the moment) was lacing them with adenovirus 36 (AD36). While most responsible world citizens know that this is a virus that has been associated with child obesity, some may wonder what this means. We are currently investigating some leads, but it appears that the Parent Corporation has an interest in causing obesity so that people lead more sedentary lives and thus rely more on indoor hobbies such as crafts and scrapbooking to entertain themselves. The joke is on them, however, since there is no evidence to suggest that the virus causes obesity, just that there is an association of obesity with the virus.

A new low

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to ridding the world of the evils of brads and hole punches, but no matter how much we accomplish we are always surprised at the lengths our enemies will go to in order to thwart us. We never thought they would complain loudly enough to get a primary school to cancel its outside recess in order to substitute it with indoor activities that use brads and hole punches, but that appears to be what is happening here. We urge all of our supporters to take an active role in preventing similar things from happening to your own children!

The Dangers of Facebook

For some time now we have been cautioning world citizens about the dangers of Facebook. In general these dangers revolve around revealing too much personal information or wasting too much time with virtual friends and not enough with real live friends, but we never imagined that Facebook could kill plants. We will continue to urge responsible use of social networking sites, but we will add to our literature a caution not to hook up your plants or other living things to Facebook.

Back to Propaganda 101 for you...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about what advances in technology can mean for the common man, but we are, on occasion, discouraged by the shoddy use of these technological gifts we have been given. Take, for instance, this recent Photoshop hack job by the state-run newspaper in Egypt. If they had taken a second to look at it after they modified it they would realize that most observers would notice that there had been a modification, and if most observers realize this, then at least somebody will go look up the original picture, and then embarrassment follows. Next semester it looks like they will be required to retake Propaganda 101.

A Success (well, mostly)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not intrepid, which is why we organized the expedition into the primary "nest" of the nano-robotic lichen last weekend. Thanks to the skilled participation of many of our finest operatives we were able to successfully eradicate this concentration of nano-robotic lichens and free the local citizens from their horrible grasp, but due to some complications the operation took slightly longer than we had hoped and allowed a small number (less than a few dozen) of these nano-robotic menaces to escape via a small aircraft that had apparently been prepared for their escape by the evil scientists from Darkle. We are reviewing the mistakes that caused the delay in the eradication and the holes in our intelligence gathering apparatus that allowed the small aircraft to escape our attention, but we are confident that with the NARLD devices you have installed you will continue to be safe, and that we will find these few escaped lichens over the next couple of days.

A mission

As in all disaster films where some sort of mutant or otherwise unnatural threat is looming over society, the protagonists inevitably flail around with the extremities of the conflict with mixed success, then they discover a method to eradicate individual mutants. The next logical step is always to attach the hive or central repository of this threat.

The astute among our supporters will have already guessed my mission, but to recap for the rest of you, we have had several skirmishes with the nano-robotic lichen, and we have found a way to disable it permanently. We have also discovered (as the protagonists always seem to) the root of all the lichen infestations. Tomorrow I will be leading a crack team of anti-lichen experts to this horrible place and to destroy the mother lichen. Wish me luck.

An Innocent Pony?

It is a testament to the tenacity of the Parent Corporation and its Evil Affiliates that no matter what we do to discredit them they seem to have another idea or two up their sleeves. Their latest plot involved using a small toy horse robot to deliver nefarious office products such as brads to children leaving an Ohio elementary school. As if this weren't bad enough, when they were found out and the bomb squad came in to detonate their malevolent machine they decided to spin this as the bomb squad overreacting. They set up www.innocentpony.com to show the world how ridiculous the threat was, and tried to drum up support for their cause by contacting local news outlets and selling their version of the story. The bomb squad didn't speak out about this because of their fears of causing a panic, but we believe that their caution is misguided. If people don't know that robot ponies could be corrupting our children how can they call the bomb squad to eradicate them?

Good news!

Good news for all world citizens concerned about the outbreak of nano-robotic lichens! Our scientists have found a way to disable them, and this time you can disable them without destroying your home in the process! (At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry for the experience of some of our early testers whose homes were destroyed in a successful attempt to disable the evil lichen)

The solution is simple and effective and can be picked up free of charge at your local GPD office. Once installed the NAno-Robotic Lichen Disruptor (NARLD) emits low-power radio signals that effectively tell every nano-robotic lichen in the vicinity to enter a dormant state. It has been found to be especially effective in the remote areas most prone to nano-robotic lichen infestation, and has been found to work adequately even in situations where signal propagation is problematic, such as parking garages.

It is always satisfying to put a wrench in the Parent Corporation's plans for world domination, and especially when it is so easy to do. We are a bit apprehensive that the Parent Corporation may have other plans, but our best intelligence to date makes it clear that they were not counting on Daniel's background in signal processing to make the solution clear at this early of a stage. We expect them to continue their propaganda campaign, but we expect our supporters to begin refuting their claims as soon as they make them!

A remedy?

Just days after the "fungal infections" became front-page news, a mysterious biochemical company has come public with a statement that certain products produced and distributed by the Parent Corporation's MLM OPortunity can be used to effectively prevent and treat "fungal infections." In retrospect it is quite clear that this was the intent all along. The Parent Corporation and its lackey Darkle never wanted to distribute office products (even evil ones) directly to consumers, they wanted to use this MLM venture to change the public perception of their corporation. This is a testament to the fact that we have been successfully eroding their credibility for years now, and we hope this desperate measure will fail. We have our scientists working on disabling the nano-robotic lichens and will announce a remedy as soon as we have one. Until then we urge our supporters not to be taken in by the marketing spiels of these "independent" distributors.

The "go" code

Apparently the "go" code has been sent to many of the inert nano-robotic lichens, causing severe damage in isolated areas. It appears that the lichen are programmed to be destructive but not to annihilate everything, leaving us to wonder what their real intent was. It is almost as if the Parent Corporation are following the H1N1 threat pattern, creating an artificial threat that is potentially very destructive but purposely limiting the effects of the threat to maintain a state of apprehension for much longer. We won't know for sure for a while, but we will let you know when we do. Unsurprisingly the media is calling these robotic uprisings nothing more than "fungal infections," but we implore you to not be fooled.

How not to steal somebody's stuff

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we feel it is important to help people perform their chosen occupations, whatever they may be, as well as possible. Excellence is a trait that all of humanity can and should be striving for, and is one of the hallmarks of the New Future. We hope to reach a point where all world citizens, with our help, will be able to perform their functions excellently.

As a result of our strong feelings regarding excellence, we feel we must exhort the perpetrator of this theft to mend his ways. If you intend to steal somebody's belongings, please be sure they don't catch you on camera in the act, unless, of course, you are such a good thief that to do so is a mere taunt and you won't be nabbed minutes later by police who recognized you from the photo and see that you still have the goods on you.

Danger!

Our posts have been spotty for the last few weeks because we have been dedicating all of our resources to the analysis of data collected recently in the western United States. This analysis is now complete, and shows unequivocally that the nano-robotic lichen threat is indeed real. If you live in or near the Rocky Mountains we urge you to be on alert. We have found vast quantities of lichen in an inert state, but after analysis we were able to give them the "go" command and found that they were programmed to be very destructive, to put it lightly. Our containment perimeter was nearly breached, but we were able to contain them. We are working now on mechanisms to prevent invasion by these nefarious lichens, but we don't have anything infallible yet. If you live near the affected regions please check in with your local GPD offices daily for the latest recommendations.

The Problem with OPortunity

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to being responsive to the populace, which is why we find it a bit odd that the Parent Corporation and their cronies have decided to try a new marketing approach in which they present themselves as the friend of the little guy and try to paint us as "an out-of-touch corporation." Their statement would have to try very hard to be further from the truth. Do they have a blog? Do they have local offices where any world citizen can go and be instructed and have their concerns addressed? We think not. What they do have, is a lot of phony-shmony "loyalty programs" and "local" companies that are mere facades. As we understand it, the OPortunity MLM venture was an attempt to gain customer loyalty and to erase the stigma of being the Parent Corporation. If people feel invested in a company they won't view it as evil because that would necessitate believing themselves to be evil. Please don't be fooled by the Parent Corporation's new marketing, and please explain their ploys to any of your friends who may be considering joining them.

An update

It seems that the Multi-Level Marketing venture OPortunity was just the tip of the iceberg. Small "independent" office product stores are opening across the country, presumably as a response to the big retail chains like Staples and Office Max, but the reality is that these stores are being financed indirectly by the Parent Corporation. Darkle is extremely good at hiding the money trail, but our guys are good enough to not be fooled. (Thanks to Daniel and his signal processing teams, that is). Anyway, we would like to issue a general warning that any new office products store in your area is probably a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation, and as such should be avoided religiously. We aren't quite sure why they wouldn't have funneled their money into the bigger chains, but we presume it is because there is greater public oversight for such firms.

How not to avoid a traffic ticket

With our focus lately on trying to investigate the actions of the mysterious contractor Darkle and their connection to the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch it appears that we have left some aspects of our posts fall behind. Our lawyers have convinced us that in general we shouldn't be giving advice on how not to rob banks or other such felonies, so we thought we would take a minute to discuss how not to avoid a traffic ticket. Our advice borrows heavily from the facts in the case of Michael Rosen, who successfully avoided the traffic ticket but subsequently got himself in a lot of trouble.

The first piece of advice we have for our supporters is that if they are faced with the consequences of a bad decision or a lack of judgment it is generally better not to commit further indiscretions to remedy the first situation. We know this is a revolutionary idea, but bear with us. Michael didn't want to be cited for driving without a license, so he thought to himself, "What situations would cause me to get off the hook?" He apparently answered himself that if he were dead he wouldn't be cited, and proceeded to obtain a fraudulent death certificate and send a fraudulent witness to his court date. While he did get the case dismissed, the gravity of the new offenses was such that, when discovered, they caused him much more difficulty.

Our next bit of advice is that it is generally best to pick a cover-up that can be used more than just once. This advice is good in general for excuses, since once you have use a fatal excuse, such as your parents or grandparents dying, it becomes much harder to come up with an excuse the next time. Mr. Rosen's mistake here is that now that he has been caught for fraudulently producing a death certificate he won't be able to fake his death to get out of this one.

In general, though, the GNU Public Dictatorship is opposed to people weaseling their way out of past offenses for which they have been caught. We prefer that people own up to their mistakes and face the consequences, but we do understand that there are circumstances that make this difficult and we do allow for people to get out of trouble, but we want to be clear that we don't advocate the methods used by Mr. Rosen.

More info on the new MLM

Many of our supporters have written in to ask for more information about the new Multi-Level Marketing venture being supported by the Parent Corporation. We have to assume that they are curious about it because they want to know how to help their friends and family avoid it and not that they are interested in signing up. If you are one of these "supporters" waiting to sign up, be forewarned that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vindictive towards traitors, and proceed with caution. Anyway, in response to these requests we have gleaned all the information we can from their website and other marketing materials to present them here, in the format of a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ). We have reproduced sections of their marketing materials (in black) in addition to posting more correct answers (in red):

Q. What is OPortunity?

A. "An exciting new way to fill your fastening needs without having to resort to trips to the local office products store. We deliver premium quality office products directly to your home and save you the trouble of trying to remember them while you're out shopping for groceries."

A. A troubling new brad/hole punch distribution mechanism designed to get people hooked and, worse yet, consistently paying a subscription fee for the privilege of being hooked

Q. How does OPortunity work?

A. "Each month OPortunity sends you a package with your office supplies for the next month. They don't need refrigeration and are ready to simply open and use. You can choose what office products you would like, and as long as you meet your minimum amount your monthly membership fee will be waived!"

A. The fine print states that the membership fee is $37.84/month and that the minimum amount is based on a complicated formula (which we will not reproduce here) and essentially entails receiving three times the recommended monthly allowance (GPDRMA) of brads. or seventeen times the GPDRMA of hole punches.

Q. Is OPortunity a pyramid scheme?

A. "No. We use direct-marketing tactics to reach you without involving the middle man. This simultaneously provides more value for you and reduces our advertising expenses."

A. No. It uses direct-marketing tactics to reach you without dealing with regulatory bodies or safety inspections. This simultaneously increases their profits and your dependence on them.

We hope that this short selection has been helpful for you. We have omitted the section of the FAQ that would tell you how to contact a distributor, but we think we have covered the rest of the major questions.

A pyramid made of brads

It seems that at least some of the increased activity from and cooperation between the Parent Corporation and the mysterious Darkle was an attempt to generate some hype before they introduced their latest money-making scheme: a multi-level marketing distribution mechanism for brads, hole punches, and other scrapbooking "tools." They call it OPortunity (meaning OfficeProduct-opportunity), but it is no opportunity. The launch took place this morning at 0900 PST, so we haven't yet been able to ascertain all of the details, but it looks pretty standard. Please avoid this new MLM like you would a plague. Or brads. Or hole punches.

Speeding enforcement going a little too far

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are all about moderation in life. We understand that there are things, such as brads, that will destroy peoples' lives if we don't help them to break free of the horrible cycle of addiction, but we don't believe in executing people who have had a "fling" with scrapbooking or who have strayed from the hole-punch-free path for a while. Similarly, we believe that motorists should obey traffic regulations, but we are disappointed that the Parent Corporation, apparently aided by their new friends Darkle, have installed traffic enforcement signs that are just a bit too draconian. We are asking all responsible world citizens to call on their local municipalities to stop this madness before it gains momentum. Together we can stop this!

Too bold

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when we see people exerting their rights and taking a stand for what they believe is right, but at the same time we are nothing if not disappointed when this "taking a stand" goes a little too far, such as in this case. We realize that he was frustrated that his efforts at robbing a Wendy's restaurant at gunpoint only netted him US $586, but we think he was being obnoxious rather than assertive when he called and demanded that they keep more money in the till for the next time he robs them. The line is hard to find, and we have noticed that a good number of people seem oblivious to its exact whereabouts, but we think that people should try harder.

Increased activity

Many of you have written in to observe that it seems that the mysterious contractor, Darkle, has been appearing more and more frequently over the last month. We agree. Our suspicion is that Darkle is in negotiations with the Parent Corporation for either a merger or a buyout, and that they are trying to prove their worth to our enemy "Edgar." We don't have any hard evidence yet, but there are some of the classic indications of this sort of maneuver. Rest assured, however, that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilant and that we will keep our eyes on the situation.

A conspiracy?

Over the last two months we have been carefully observing the behavior of the Parent Corporation and the mysterious contractor, Darkle. We are not yet at liberty to disclose all that we know about their recent behavior (that would be unwise and would give them an advantage we don't want them to have), but we would like to point out a few of the nefarious things they are responsible, at least in part, for.

There is a scandal in Japan at the moment as the presumed "oldest man" has apparently been dead for 30 years. What's more, the "oldest woman" is what they call "missing." The mainstream media finds these developments puzzling and a bit amusing, but the reality is much darker. It appears that Darkle has been performing research for nearly 30 years on behalf of the Parent Corporation using old Japanese people in order to understand the effects of brads and western hole punches on traditional Asian societies. We don't have reason to believe (yet) that they are killing their test subjects, but there does appear to be a conspiracy to defraud the Japanese public into believing that their oldest citizens are still among them.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned by this latest development, but you can rest assured that we will do all within our power to rescue the aged citizens of the Empire of the Rising Sun.

Too much confidence

If the GNU Public Dictatorship stands for anything it is for the rights of the downtrodden and overlooked, which is why we often try to foster confidence among these groups so that they will resist the "norms" of society and become more than they would otherwise be. Some have mistakenly interpreted this message as advocating reckless confidence and unfettered individualism. While we do believe that individuals should feel comfortable with themselves and should feel empowered to do what they want to do, we do not believe that people should throw caution to the wind or engage in behaviors that are harmful to others or in illegal activities (especially when such activities are generally recognized to be morally wrong). Case in point: this coffee-shop robber who, despite having conversed with uniformed police officers before entering the store proceeded to cut in line in front of the cops and rob the store in front of the aforementioned officers. Please exercise restraint and do not follow in his example!

Horrible injustice

When a heinous crime is committed the public is often quick to convict the prime suspect, even when the evidence is scanty. Take, for instance, the hundred-year-old case of Hawley Crippen, convicted of having killed his wife by poisoning, then dismembering her body and burying it in the basement. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by the crime allegedly committed, but, as it turns out, the body used as evidence may not have even belonged to his wife! DNA evidence is suggesting that someone other than his wife, in fact, someone male was buried in his basement. We think that Dr. Crippen has been given a raw deal. It appears that perhaps he poisoned, dismembered and buried someone else in his basement, and all the hatred directed at him for killing his wife may be misguided. Until other evidence is found we believe he should be cleared of killing his wife. He may be a murderer, but there is little evidence to support the fact that he is a wife-killer.

Taking back what was his

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when oppressed people or animals exert themselves in a non-violent way against their oppressors, which is why we applaud this bear for taking back what belonged to it. If the home owners hadn't stuffed that bear in the first place he wouldn't have had to invade their home to get it back, so we feel that his actions were entirely justified.

Non-lethal Force

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sickened by the fact that we, on occasion, have to hurt our enemies to prevent them from harming us. The issue comes up frequently in meetings of the Board of Dictators, and we have exerted our influence to help the military-industrial complex create non-lethal weapons, such as the ADS. While we are encouraged by our current results we are saddened by the thought that not all of our projects are quite that effective. Take this test, for instance, of a psychological weapon. We could say a lot about it, but we'll just say, for now, that it didn't end well. Some "governments" would try to hide their failures from their public, but we do not follow in their footsteps. We believe that the Future can only be established by conscientious openness, where our supporters know everything about our methods and motives and love us anyway. How else could we wield our capricious influence over so many people at once?

Reckless endangerment

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to your safety, which is why we are offering this apology for our irresponsible and reckless pursuit of an operative of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch in New York last week. We are deeply sorry for the irresponsible nature of our pursuit. Please forgive us.

Activism

Most people are not activists as rather than doing something about the evils in the world they simply sit back and complain about them. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we value our supporters that are, in fact, activists and will fight against the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and its subsidiaries tirelessly. At the same time, however, we understand that, since we haven't come into our full power yet, the Board of Dictators does not yet have the reach to protect all world citizens, especially those living in countries where the "governments" are not responsive to their needs.

Our lawyers want us to make it clear that we did not contribute to the events that took place recently in Liberia, but we do support the locals who channeled their frustrations into the elephant so that they could dissent and make their voice heard, while the elephant would end up paying for their dissent with its life. We do not condone the killing of animals, but we do believe that this elephant's sacrifice was in a noble cause, and that its ignominious death will serve to galvanize the will of the people who were too scared to stand up for themselves.

More Digital Drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of irony, which is why we found this BBC news article expressing skepticism about the dangers of digital drugs to be particularly delightful, especially since the BBC produced the quintessential digital drug: The Dr. Who theme.

Digital Drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but even we were skeptical when we read about what Oklahoma News 9 is warning parents about. No organization has the stellar anti-drug record that we do. We have fought drugs and drug trafficking for years, and it was our efforts that practically brought an end to the practice of using brads to distribute hallucinogenic substances "below the radar". We thought we had fought every form of drugs, until we, too, learned of iDosing. It seems that certain tracks with nonsense music are purported to alter mood and produce highs similar to real drugs. After our board meeting we decided to try these tracks, but could not achieve more than a slight headache. What the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics warned about, though, is that these music tracks may be the gateway to real drug use or to harder digital drugs. It seems that our experience (no discernible high) is the rule rather than the exception, and that disenchanted iDosers turn either to real drugs or to the hard stuff, like Steve Reich. Our experience also bears this out, as I have become dependent on at least weekly doses of Mr. Reich's music and have trouble functioning without it. We urge all of our supporters to take this warning seriously, and to avoid digital drugs with the same fervor you avoid annoying songs on the radio. If you experiment with it you may live to regret it!

Some concerns

Now that we have our observers in the right places we are starting to see more of what this mysterious company, Darkle, is up to. This previously-unknown contractor appears to have a web of influence much greater than what we had originally guessed, and it apparently spends its resources on very strange projects. We will keep you updated on our progress as we unravel its mission and its ties to the Parent Corporation, but for now we will simply point you at a mainstream media report of an activity we found was sponsored in part by Darkle. We're not sure what they're up to, but the details of the BBC report were essentially in agreement with what we found.

Lichens revisited

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not honest, even if it may take a while for the whole truth to be released. Take the recent case of the alleged nano-robotic lichens, for instance. We implied that we had not found any nano-robotic lichens, but this was merely for diplomatic reasons. The world leaders allegedly forming the plot to use them were actually unaware that the contractor they had used to distribute their lichen had an agenda of their own. This contractor, Darkle, had changed the lichen plot from an absurd attempt to destroy the Western United States' mountains by distributing so much lichen that the mountains would be quickly broken down into flat regions into a truly bizarre one involving remote-controlled nano-robotic lichens. We have spent weeks confirming that the instigators of the lichen plot were unaware of the nano-robotic plot and confirming that Darkle has ties to the Parent Corporation. In fact, it is the only firm that is used by the Parent Corporation to dispose of unusable brads and hole punch leavings.

Our investigations of lichens in North America revealed, contrary to our previously published analysis, that there were small traces of nano-robotic lichen in several key areas. By not revealing this fact to the public we kept Darkle in the dark, so to speak, and they made some moves that they otherwise would not have made that have strengthened our position immeasurably. We urge world citizens to forgive our not making this information public while we were confirming the threat, and we would like to state that (and we're not hiding information this time) (okay, maybe some information, but not about the statement we're about to make) the immediate threat from nano-robotic lichens has been neutralized. A long term solution is being pursued, but world citizens have no reason to panic at the moment!

What they won't tell you about "Bullet-Proof Custard"

The recent announcement of liquid armor (or bullet-proof custard) by BAE Systems has been hailed as a once-in-a-lifetime breakthrough by many around the world, but there are some nefarious things about this technology that they won't tell you. A secret report authored by The Allies (and currently being verified by "Viktor" himself) shows that this "custard" is not really made of a shear-thickening liquid, but of a suspension of nano-robotic creatures. The nano-robotic creatures have been programmed to stop a bullet in this case, but the limits of this technology have yet to be reached. Today it may be "bullet-proof custard" but tomorrow it may be a self-aware robotic slime mold that can infiltrate even the most advanced filtration systems to take out targets chosen by secret agents. Even if BAE Systems doesn't know anything about the nano-robotics we cannot afford to be complacent, especially since they seem to be in contact with several pro-brad groups around the world.