How not to shoplift pants

Next in our award-winning series of informative "How not to..." posts is a piece that should help many aspiring thieves to not get caught with their pants down. (Our lawyers are here making us state that we do not condone or encourage theft, but we think you already knew that, especially since our last crackdown on shoplifters at local GPD office gift stores. Incidentally, we thought that by offering everything free of charge as long as people would agree to share their modifications with the community we would avoid shoplifting, but we were apparently wrong.) Our discussion will center on this recent occurrence where the alleged shoplifter allegedly left his own pants (with his own wallet) in the dressing room.

The first rule of shoplifting is to have a plan to get out of the store with the item. In the case of pants, you have a few options: (1) carry them out in a bag, (2) hide them inside your clothes, (3) carry them out blatantly as if you had bought them earlier, or (4) exchange your pants for the new pants. Option 3 should only be attempted by the bravest of aspiring thieves as it requires iron nerves. Options 1 and 2 are simpler and are more suited to the novice, but still have risks. Hiding a pair of pants under a shirt or pair of pants is tricky, and bags are likely to be scrutinized by loss prevention specialists. Option 4, the alleged option of choice for our alleged shoplifter, is an option that could have been very successful, but was executed incorrectly. We think that the other options need no further explanation, so we will proceed to investigate the correct way to implement option 4.

When you choose to trade your pants for a new pair in a dressing room, the primary concern should be whether the old clothes look similar enough to the new ones that any attendants won't immediately notice the deception. The next concern should be to decide how to dispose of the old pants. If you intend to leave them in the dressing room (as our example allegedly did) you should take any personal items out before leaving them (this was our example's alleged mistake), and you should be aware of how much time you will likely have before the deception is discovered. You may need an accomplice or two to discreetly measure how often the attendants clear the dressing rooms of unpurchased items.

As with any theft, there is an element of risk. If you forget one step and leave your wallet in your pants, the police will have little trouble finding you when your deed is discovered. If you miscalculate on the similarity of the pants or on the amount of time you have to get away, you could also be in trouble. If you do decide to go through with your shoplifting plan, we urge you to be safe and to avoid the pitfalls we have mentioned. Avoiding crime is always better than committing it, but committing it intelligently is better than committing it without thinking it through.

As a final note, while we have received numerous awards for our efforts to help people avoid uncomfortable legal entanglements, some have accused us of using this series to encourage the commission of crimes. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to stopping crime, but even though we disagree with shoplifting, we know that some people will do it anyway and are thus willing to teach you how to do it (more) safely.