A new manifestation of the tines?

Since we discovered the Reason brads have tines of different lengths we have been especially vigilant for other forms of oppression, whether it be symbolic or actual. For the most part we have been pleased with the progress of society, but when we see things like this car park for women, we have to wonder. Why would we suggest that women can't handle ordinary parking spots? Doesn't that seem a little oppressive? We're not sure this car park should be added to the list of state enemies, but we would like you all to be on the lookout for similarly misguided efforts.

Thanks for your support

Since the apparent passing of our beloved operative "Viktor" we have been surprised by the number of people contacting us to express their condolences. We appreciate your support as it is a difficult thing to accept that our best operative is gone forever. We have also received quite a number of e-mails and phone calls from people who are purporting to have known "Viktor" before he became our operative. While most of them speak highly of our late friend there are several who took the opportunity to tell us unsavory stories. We know that they are probably fabrications, and we wanted to let all of you know that some of them may be reported in the media, but none of them are likely to be true. We have launched full-scale investigations into each of the claims and will be able to say for certain whether or not they have any basis within a few days!

Now Accepting Applications

We would like to officially announce that we are accepting applications to fill the position of "meat carver." The successful applicant will have seven or more years experience carving poultry and/or ham in a professional setting and must be willing and able to travel worldwide.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited to fill this new position (which, incidentally, has been created due to some minor "incidents" over the recent Christmas break at several of our local GPD offices) which will (1) free up our GPD officers so that they can focus on other aspects of the parties, (2) allow for excellence in carved meats, and (3) reduce our insurance costs. Please feel free to forward this job notice to anyone you may feel would be qualified.

Responsibility

We appreciate the outpouring of support that has accompanied our announcement that we believe our beloved operative "Viktor" to be dead, and would like to thank all of those who have sent them.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not responsible, and we believe that it is imperative that the New Future be built upon the principle of individual responsibility. We think the term is rather self-explanatory and actually rather hard to define precisely. It is easy, however, to find examples of a lack of individual responsibility, such as this one. I don't think we have to say that anyone guilty of such reckless acts is not being a good world citizen. We call upon our supporters everywhere to reevaluate their own responsibility and make any needed adjustments!

Remembering "Viktor"

We regret to inform you that we still have no leads in the disappearance of our beloved operative "Viktor" and that we are now officially considering him dead. "Viktor" was a brave, principled, and dedicated man whose life, although troubled, helped shape him into the instrument for good that he was.

Many of you may be surprised that "Viktor" is merely a pseudonym, and that our beloved operative was actually born Eduardo Hans Gottlieb in Tocopilla, Chile in January of 1970. (As a side note, much of this biography is taken from research "Viktor" conducted years later. For reasons that will become clear as we progress his early memories were at best confused). His father, Wolfgang Gottlieb, disappeared shortly after he was born following the military coup led by Augusto Pinochet in September of 1973.

Wolfgang had emigrated from Germany with his father Otto in 1933. As Otto had been a vocal opponent of the Nazi party he soon found it difficult to live under their rule, and he relocated to Chile. After World War II Otto and his young son had made it their mission to hunt down the Nazi supporters that had fled to Chile following the defeat of Germany, and had presumably made a few enemies. When the military took power in 1973 Wolfgang and his father were "disappeared" and never heard from again.

A few years after Wolfgang's disappearance, Eduardo fled with his mother Angela to Germany, where she hoped to shelter with her cousins. We think this happened in 1975, but records are not readily available. Unfortunately for Angela and Wolfgang, their plane was redirected to Romania and the customs official there remembered Otto, and not too fondly. Eduardo was sent to an orphanage to die and Angela was "disappeared."

It was at this time that Eduardo met an older orphan who called himself "Lord Victorious" and who taught young Eduardo the ropes of espionage. As he matured he began to excel and was constantly performing favors for his fellow orphans. He used his prowess to get some information from the orphanage guards about the whereabouts of his mother, and used his now legendary escape ability to break out of the orphanage at the age of 11.

After his escape he made his way to Germany and found the hospital where his mother was being treated. As it turns out, his mother had been badly abused by the ex-Nazis. One of the worst offenders was an ex-Nazi who, according to "Viktor," was never found, but who was obsessed with brads and had used them to puncture his mother in a terribly brutal function. The doctors at the hospital let young Eduardo know that his mother would never live any sort of normal life again, but Eduardo did not believe them. For three years he nursed his mother and tried his best to help her to walk and talk again, but it was all to no avail. She died in 1987 of complications from her brad injuries.

After the death of his mother Eduardo was enraged. He renounced society, changed his name to "Viktor," (as a tribute to his mentor "Lord Victorious") and fled to the Himalayas. He remembered very little about his first few years there, but after he finally got over his drug habit he picked up during his rages he remembered quite a bit more. He studied with some monks and learned to externalize his hatred. The monks had never been exposed to brads, but he taught them of the evil that they were. His teachings saved the monks in 2003 when a local warlord attempted to introduce brads subtly. The monks recognized the evil for what it was long before it could gain a foothold and thereby saved the population of that region.

"Viktor" continued to hone his skills and to evangelize about the dangers of brads until one fateful day in 1995 when Juliana happened to meet him in the airport. She immediately recognized his potential and invited him to join the fledgling GNU Public Dictatorship and to fight the spread of brads everywhere. "Viktor" was very eager to aid the cause, and has been instrumental in keeping evil office products from reaching the innocent crowds. There was a scare last year where we thought "Viktor" had betrayed us, but we should have known he would never abandon his principles like that. Far from betraying us, "Viktor" had finally infiltrated the Company and brought it down for good!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by his apparent death, and we vow to continue to seek justice for the perpetrators of this heinous crime!

Concerns about the new fingerprinting policy

In the days since we announced our new fingerprinting policy we have received hundreds of e-mail messages from concerned world citizens. The purpose of this post is to create a FAQ that will respond to these concerns in a way that will make all of us feel better about the policy. (At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with our supporters' feelings).

Q. Who will have to be fingerprinted weekly?
A. Employees and volunteers of the GNU Public Dictatorship. This includes members of the Board of Dictators, GPD Counts, and all staff (paid or volunteer) at local GPD offices. This does not include volunteers who use less formal means to advance our cause. The rule of thumb (or index fingers?) is that if you regularly visit a GPD facility you will probably be fingerprinted weekly.

Q. What about people who mutilate their fingers in order to fool you?
A. There a number of methods that have been used to circumvent fingerprinting checks, ranging from this simple method to this more complex method. These methods, however, are more useful for disguising one's true identity (creating false negatives) and not for masquerading as another individual (creating false positives). Our fingerprinting departments have been instructed to immediately detain any individuals with unrecognized or non-existent prints, so we don't believe there is any danger of another Quisling Incident.

Q. Isn't this a violation of civil liberties?
A. We don't think so. In order to be a violation of civil liberties, (1) the right to not be fingerprinted would have to be enshrined in some sort of legal framework and (2) the policy would have to require that people who didn't sign up to be fingerprinted are forced to be fingerprinted. All of our employees and volunteers have signed waivers allowing us to do to them whatever we, the Board of Dictators, feel necessary while they are working with us.

Q. Isn't the likelihood of a masquerade attack low enough that this policy merely causes confusion and delay?
A. We hope so (well, not the confusion and delay), and we believe instituting the policy will discourage the attempt in all but the most determined individuals. As to the confusion and delay, we commissioned a study which concluded that there would be at most a 0.01% increase in confusion and no more than 0.05% increase in delay.

These were by far the most frequently asked questions, and we hope that our answers have assuaged your doubts. Thanks for your support!

Gum not as lethal as feared

After a thorough review of the threat posed by exploding chewing gum, we have decided that it was not as lethal as feared. Although it strikes nearly one in 500,000 individuals the fatality rate is less than one in 10,000 incidents. With a world population of approximately seven billion that works out to approximately 1.4 people who will die from it this year. Subtracting the one that already died, we get an expected 0.4 deaths. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the thought of losing this partial person, but we are pleased that it turned out to be less lethal than feared.

Rest in Peace, "Viktor"?

Many of our supporters have written to ask why we aren't saying anything about "Viktor" anymore, and we believe it is finally time for us to explain. The last time we met with "Viktor" was on October 1 of this year, when he reported on his investigations into the no-longer-missing hand. Since then we have been attempting to figure out where he went. Our other top operatives traced him to a motel in eastern New Jersey on October 3, but it is there that the trail goes cold. All of the evidence we have recovered at the motel points to "Viktor" having been brutally murdered, but since we do not have a body yet we have been holding out, believing beyond hope that he is still alive. In the intervening weeks, however, we have not observed any activity at his home, on his bank accounts, or at the grave of his dearly-departed mother. We find it inconceivable that "Viktor" would let anything stand in the way of his weekly visits to his mother's grave, and since we are confident that he could escape from any entrapment the Parent Corporation could devise we fear that "Viktor" may, in fact, have been brutally murdered in October. If any of you have seen any sign of "Viktor" we ask that you report it immediately. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not realistic, so if nobody has seen or heard from him since October we have decided that all we can do is to declare him dead and honor his memory.

Fingerprinting policy

From time to time the GNU Public Dictatorship reviews its security policies and attempts to plug any holes that may be exploited by unscrupulous individuals. At this time we are introducing a new requirement to our fingerprinting policy so that individuals will not be able to masquerade as other individuals for very long. If you are wondering whether this came about because of the Quisling incident you would be correct--since all individuals, including identical twins, have distinct fingerprints, this policy should prevent a similar incident in the future. If you are wondering whether we are afraid of the type of attack perpetrated on this sort of system in the movie Gattaca, we would like to remind you of the difference between science and science fiction. Here is the new policy:

Effective immediately all GPD volunteers and employees will be required to be fingerprinted every week.

The increased volume of fingerprints will require us to expand our fingerprinting department, so if you are interested please contact your local GPD office. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to job growth!

Exploding gum: A new threat?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but incidents such as this one make us wonder whether we should encourage people not to chew gum. In order to help us make our decision we are asking you to write in with any stories (anecdotal or reported in the news) of exploding chewing gum. We are here to protect you!

Predictions

In the spirit of the prediction that 2010 may, in fact, prove to be the warmest year on record, we would like to make a few more predictions:

• There may be more earthquakes in 2010 than in previous years
• The rainfall may be greater in Madrid in 2010 than in previous years
• The interest rates may reach record lows in 2010

In short, we would like to say that yes, 2010 will be a year, and if it is warmer than previous years it will be warmer than previous years.

Lessons from a kingsnake

Recently this kingsnake got hungry, and, lacking other creatures to consume, attempted to consume its own tail. We are saddened that the reptile had to go through such trauma, but we are glad that its experiences can teach us a few lessons (these are just a few):

Lesson 1: If it hurts when you bite, stop immediately. Don't wait until it's too late to stop.

Lesson 2: Do not try to recreate the Ouroboros.

Lesson 3: On a more symbolic note, it doesn't pay to mistreat your own body of supporters.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for these lessons!

A "random" incident

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we work so many extra hours without compensation to provide you, our faithful supporters, with the safest world we can. One of the benefits of such tireless work is that we can often see trends forming before the rest of society. For example, this incident in which a man punched a Wal*Mart greeter was described by the local Chief of Police as apparently "random."

We remembered reading, however, about an upgrade to the "look" at the North Versailles Wal*Mart, and so we kept investigating. We dug through public records on the upgrade, but to no avail. It wasn't until we found Kurt Brower, a local contractor who was employed in the upgrade, that we were able to give some substance to the niggling idea that perhaps something in this scenario was more than merely "random".

Kurt remembers having had contact with both the greeter and the perpetrator just prior to the upgrade, and, as it turns out, the three had had long discussions about how the upgrade was an affront to our dignity as it makes the assumption that our physical surroundings will affect our perception of the quality of the merchandise itself. Mr. Brower agreed that the upgrade was demeaning and subsequently canceled his contract. Thomas Jenkins (the greeter) had apparently agreed, and Mr. Washington (the perpetrator) had assumed that would mean that Mr. Jenkins would also quit his greeter job as a protest. We presume from Kurt's recounting of events that when Mr. Washington found out last week that this was not the case he got very angry and decided to do something about it.

Some of you may be asking why we would investigate such a trivial occurrence in such detail, especially since the Parent Corporation was not apparently involved, but we simply ask the question of how you know whether the Parent Corporation is involved before you investigate.

Misdirection?

While our attention has been primarily focused on recovering "The Item" we have also noticed an increasing presence of evil stickers. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, so we are asking all of our supporters to be especially vigilant, as the Parent Corporation may be planning something sinister!

Patience

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your well-being, which is why we occasionally pontificate on moral virtues. Today we would like to extol the virtue of patience by giving an example of a man who, if he had waited twenty more minutes, would have (1) not been in jail, and (2) had lots of money. While we don't recommend waiting inside your local Wal*Mart and stealing cash, we are saddened by the fact that if this man, who hid in the store, had been patient enough to wait for the employees to open the store he wouldn't be in the predicament he is in. Instead he would be in an entirely different predicament--being the subject of a manhunt.

Another FAQ

It has been quite some time since we have had Eliza do a FAQ, so, without further ado here she is to answer your most pressing questions:

Q. What can we do to keep our children safe from toys that could teach them bad words, such as this one?
A. Does that question interest you?

Q. That is why I asked. I guess it could just be my three-year-old's pronunciation, but I think we shouldn't have to put up with toys that make our children not seem as smart as we think they are.
A. Who else in your family not seem as smart as we think they are?

Q. That's not a very nice question. Are you suggesting that none of us are as bright as we would like to believe?
A. What resemblance do you see?

Q. This isn't going anywhere, so we'll move on. Why is the Parent Corporation using fake bomb threats this year?
A. Please go on.

Q. I mean, why has there been an increase in fake bomb threats this holiday season? Is the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch trying to "cry wolf" so that we won't believe it when they really plant a bomb?
A. Can you elaborate on that?

Q. I was actually hoping you would elaborate on it, but I can see that you have no comment. How can we best support the New Future?
A. Why do you tell me you were actually hoping I would elaborate on it but you can see that I have no comment what can we best support the new future just now?

Q. I was under the impression that you were answering some common questions, but perhaps I was mistaken. What are you doing?
A. Why do you tell me you were mistaken what are I doing just now?

Q. You seem to be losing your grasp on the English language. Are you feeling okay?
A. Oh, I feeling okay.

Q. That's good. I was beginning to worry. What is the most effective way to teach our children about the dangers of brads?
A. Why do you tell me you were beginning to worry what is the most effective way to teach our children about the dangers of brads just now?

Q. We all know that brads are a tool of evil, but it can be very hard to convince our children that they are not the innocent playthings they are sometimes presented as.
A. Would you like it if they were not a tool of evil but it can be very hard to convince our children that they are not the innocent playthings they are sometimes presented as?

Q. I would love it if brads were not a tool of evil, but alas, they are.
A. - none given. Eliza disconnected at this point. -

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad to have an outsourced FAQ, and we hope you find it informative!

Doom! (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

We are disappointed with the attitudes that continue to pervade society and suggest that it is okay to harm some innocents in order to be sure that you punish the guilty. Case in point, this article, which describes a device that hospitals could use to destroy "superbugs". We would like to ask the authors of this article whether they thought about all the innocent bacteria, fungi, and viruses that would be sacrificed just to get these few evil "superbugs"? At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not perplexed by this preposterous attitude, and we think it shows society's bias against microbes. To wit, only a fool would think an herbicide that kills all weeds and all crops would be a good idea. What good would it be to eliminate weeds if we also eliminate Brussels sprouts? Why should we, then, find it acceptable to kill all bacteria, fungi, and viruses when some of them are no more harmful to us than Brussels sprouts?

We ask all of our supporters to take a step back and evaluate their own attitudes toward microbes. Only by honestly examining our own attitudes can we hope to exert an influence on others!

A revision

Our team of experts has given us the authentication we asked for, so, as promised, we'll take some time with you to share the implications of our discovery. We have been debating the wisdom of sharing "The Item" in all its horror with the world, but we haven't found a compelling reason to inflict such harm on the innocent (or naive) majority of society. Suffice it to say that it is in size and shape comparable to a brad, but with some modifications that would make the most hardened brad user shiver in fright. We are just glad the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch didn't get it first--we would certainly be facing an uphill battle if it had been introduced to the world as a harmless office product.

While "The Item" itself is very interesting, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that the implications of "The Item" on our understanding of the modern history of the brad is more interesting, and it is clearly more important in the short term (since we have no plans to subject the world to its evils). The implications are many, but the most obvious revision that we must make is to our understanding of the character of Jacob Gehris.

The world at large has long considered the story of Jacob Gehris to be a standard inventor-is-ahead-of-his-time-and-dies-before-his-invention-is-accepted story. We have long known that this characterization is overly simplistic, and have favored the inventor-is-swindled-out-of-the-profits-of-his-invention-and-the-invention-is-suppressed-until-after-his-death explanation, with the understanding that in most such cases the invention in question is not an evil one (even if the inventor may not have meant it that way). Clearly, we were wrong.

We can safely say that Mr. Gehris was not an innocent bystander in the drama of the brad. He was not merely inventing something to satisfy his fastening needs or the fastening needs of his friends or family. There are still a few missing details, but the information we recovered with "The Item" (which has also been authenticated by our experts) paints a very different portrait of the Father of the Brad.

Our information (gleaned primarily from Mr. Carruthers' stash) leads us to believe that Mr. Gehris had been involved with the Company for many years under an assumed name. It is at this time that he learned of the brad. We gather that Mr. Gehris had philosophical disagreements with the leaders of the Company about whether society as a whole should ever be subjected to brads. The debate had been raging inside the Company for decades, but apparently Mr. Gehris decided to take it upon himself to end the debate once and for all. His "invention" of the brad made it impossible for the Company to follow its existing course and made the leaders of the Company so mad that they punished Jacob for his infidelity. Just prior to his death Jacob had been working on something even more evil than the brad, but he had become disenchanted with the Company's management of evil office products and decided not to let them have it. As we have previously stated this caused a great deal of enmity between the Company and Mr. Gehris, and resulted in his invention of the clapper burglar alarm. Mr. Carruthers, at the time, had apparently not been fully briefed by his associates at the Company about Mr. Gehris and had attempted to contact him to give him stolen intellectual property, which caused Mr. Gehris to take drastic measures. When Mr. Carruthers showed up at his house Jacob swallowed "The Item" in an attempt to keep it from the Company. Unfortunately he had made it too evil, and the act of swallowing it extinguished his life. When Mr. Carruthers first saw the item he recognized its evil and dedicated the remainder of his stay at the Company to stealing it and hiding it where we found it in New Mexico.

We are sorry for any confusion this revised history may cause, and we are sorry that we have misrepresented Mr. Gehris and his intentions in the past. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not delighted by truth, and we hope that, given these new details, we can move forward in our fight against evil!

Success!

For the impatient we will summarize this post in one line: We have "The Item" and it is more horrible than we could have imagined!

Those of you who have more than a few seconds to spend contemplating the implications of this statement will likely find the remainder of this post quite interesting. We are very pleased to have finally recovered "The Item" as it was the culmination of many months' work, and it is a terrible blow to the Parent Corporation. We have our experts authenticating our findings now, and, assuming they are authenticated, our find also rewrites the modern history of the brad and Jacob Gehris!

It all went down over Thanksgiving weekend (which, incidentally, is why there weren't any posts on Thursday or Friday) in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Penny Law's tip told us about the secret cache left by the famous Mr. Carruthers. It took us the better part of the weekend to locate the cache, but once we found it it took mere minutes to locate the item. It would have taken mere seconds to take the item into custody if we all hadn't been so shocked by the evil that is "The Item". After some open-mouthed gaping we finally did take the item into our possession and it is currently in a secure location being studied by a panel of trusted experts. We can't share much about "The Item" here and now, but once our experts authenticate it we will share the implications of our discovery with you. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with our apparent coup in obtaining the mysterious object before the Parent Corporation, and we look forward to letting you know more about it in the days to come!

"The Item"

We would like to thank Penny Law of New Haven, Connecticut, for contacting her local GPD office after our post about Justin Carruthers. Apparently our narrative caused her to recall something her late grandmother used to talk about, and so she began to search through the papers and things she inherited from her, and found some very informative documents. It seems that her grandmother had once been involved with Mr. Carruthers, and that she had learned a great deal about this item. We have Penny in protective custody and are grateful for her willingness to endanger herself for the common good. We hope to be able to release her soon, especially since her information has brought us very close to obtaining the mysterious item. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not amazed with the dedication or our supporters!

Generosity

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not generous, but we would like to take a moment to caution our supporters not to be too generous. If by generous we mean offering what we have to the less fortunate, by too generous we mean offering what others have to the less fortunate. While it is rather tempting, it generally gets you into more trouble than it is worth.

A new disease

Many of you have noticed that people around the world seem to be blaming others for their mistakes more often now than they used to. We have long suspected that this "blaming others" is actually a contagious disease, and we are glad that this study confirms this view. Unfortunately we were unable to negotiate a deal to allow you to view the full text of the paper free of charge and we apologize for this inconvenience. Just remember that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not willing to take responsibility for our own failings!

A possibility?

We have been fairly certain that the motives of the dismemberment of Jacob Gehris were primarily based on hiding what Mr. Gehris was working on and in discouraging people from following in his footsteps, but an anonymous tip (of admittedly dubious sincerity) has us researching whether they were trying to amass his body parts for some sort of twisted museum exhibit, like they did to Galileo. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of this explanation, but as it is now all over the blogosphere we wanted you to know that we are, in fact, investigating it.

Please don't panic!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to a better society, but the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch does not make things easy. While we have been busily reconstructing the world economy to suit us (and you, of course) better the UBHP has been systematically reducing Eggo waffle inventories to the point that there will be a shortage next year. We would like you all to know that there is no need to panic as the GPD we have significant stores of Eggo waffles in undisclosed locations. If you are affected by the waffle shortage, please contact your local GPD office and fill out form EG-9123H: Request for Eggo Waffles. Again, there is no need to panic as you will be able to get enough waffles!

Another step closer to Science Fiction

We'd like to take a moment to say how glad that our friends at Simon Fraser University in Canada have managed yet another step towards making Star Trek-style phasers a reality! At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thrilled with progress!

WTFTFF 2009!

As many of you know we have been invited to participate in the World Technology Foundation's (WTF) annual conference on whether or not the time has come for mankind to technology altogether and return to his pre-industrial existence. Most of you also know that this is the first time we have been invited to give the keynote address. We beat out a number of Nobel Peace Prize winners and other experts in the field, which goes to show that our global efforts are gaining momentum. Soon we will be the only organization anyone thinks of inviting to their conferences, and then we will have accomplished our initial goal of world domination! After that, of course, we'll focus on improving the lives of our citizens everywhere, so it's a situation in which everybody wins!

The conference itself is aptly titled "Technology: Friend or Foe?" (TFF) and is clearly the only place for cutting-edge research on the effects of technology and new tools to study these effects. After all, it was in WTFTFF 2007 where Dr. Tyler Parsons speculated that Twitter would grow incredibly fast, despite its being next to useless. We regret to inform you that the organizers asked us not to quote from our keynote here, but we did want to let you know that we will be talking about the problems created by text-messaging. If you would like to attend, contact your local GPD office for details.

Justin Carruthers

Most of our readers will no doubt remember learning about John Henry, the man who beat a steam-powered drill but in doing so died of exhaustion. Unfortunately, efforts to identify the John Henry and the tunnel have been less than successful, as there are several locations that claim to be the site of the race and there were a number of people who went by the name of John Henry employed by the railroad at the time. Unsurprisingly, the details of the race, assuming it actually did occur, are even harder to pin down. It is for this reason that John Henry has become less and less of an individual with the passage of time, but has instead grown to be more of an embodiment of an idea: man fighting against the machine.

Fewer of our readers will be familiar with the story of Justin Carruthers, the notorious corporate spy who "robbed from the rich to feed the poor." He was said to have infiltrated no fewer than 18 corporations and funneled their intellectual property to the citizens of the towns where the corporations were based. His most famous exploit involved stealing the original formula for Coca Cola, forcing them to change it. We know that this change has been otherwise explained as "removing cocaine" but the legend says that the reason it was changed is that Mr. Carruthers stole (and destroyed) the original formula. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of such grandiose claims, but, for reasons that will become clear as you continue to read, we are beginning to think that the legends of Mr. Carruthers may have some truth to them. We have tried to investigate all 18 claims, and have found that, as in the case of John Henry, we may never know for sure what actually happened.

In the past several months we have reported a great deal on the saga of the dismembered body of Jacob Gehris, but through it all one question has plagued us: Why, if the Company was indeed responsible for this heinous (and very odd) disposal of Mr. Gehris, did the Company have next to no information about the events in its files? Our team of experts has explored a number of theories, ranging from a desire of "self-purification" in the ranks of the Company to a catastrophic event that destroyed important information. One of the explanations we initially considered unlikely was that Mr. Carruthers has successfully infiltrated the Company a few years later and that he made off with the detailed documents. We considered it unlikely, that is, until one of our document experts (who had retired several years ago and will remain nameless so that he or she won't be harassed by people seeking to interview him or her) was paying us a visit. He or she saw the documents discovered at the construction site. The conversation went something like this:

Expert: "I haven't seen that handwriting for a number of years."

Tim: "Really? I thought you had been studying some of Mr. Gehris's journals as recently as last week?"

Expert: "No, not Mr. Gehris's handwriting, that handwriting there [the expert signals the corner of the page]. I would stake my reputation on that belonging to the famous and elusive Mr. Carruthers"

This expert had dedicated his or her life to proving or disproving the claims made about Mr. Carruthers, and after a thorough review it was found that all of the documents recovered had traces of this same handwriting. We also called in two more experts in the Carruthers incidents, both of which concurred with our retired expert.

It took us longer than we had hoped to piece together the coded message, but we finally did decipher it. It led us to another site, where a treasure trove of Company documents had been stashed. At the top of the stash we found a document written by Mr. Carruthers that explains the mystery far more satisfactorily than any other documents in our possession. The gist of it is that Mr. Carruthers had become an officer of the Company (under an assumed name, of course) in April of 1874, and that he collected information of value to the Company. When he learned the details of the sad tale of Jacob Gehris he decided to give the stash to Mr. Gehris. Unfortunately, however, Mr. Gehris misinterpreted his attempts to contact him as attempts to kill him, and in a desperate attempt to keep his family safe swallowed "the item," which caused his death. The Company, desperate to have "the item" cut Mr. Gehris open and then finished by burying parts of his body with parts of the plans for Aunt Gertrude in the places where we only recently found them. (Incidentally, these documents confirm our suspicions that the Company was threatened by "Aunt Gertrude" and didn't want it coming to light before they had time to twist it to their own purposes or otherwise render it ineffective). "The item" was subsequently stolen by Mr. Carruthers and placed in a secure location. We have not yet recovered "the item," but we believe that it was "Edgar's" goal when he attempted to infiltrate our organization earlier this year.

The rest of the story, although not explicitly spelled out in these documents, is fairly obvious. Mr. Carruthers, in a typically anti-intellectual-property fashion, destroyed hundreds of documents of value in the Company's files, hid a number of documents in the stash we found, and delivered the rest to the people. He was, by then, no longer able to maintain his assumed identity and had to quit the Company and move on to his next exploit. Although popular lore about Mr. Carruthers does not include an exploit against the Company, there are some obscure references in some of the older tellings of the story that seem to refer to these incidents. The Company, of course, purged their files of references to Mr. Carruthers and his assumed name, which is why they seem to have very little information about these incidents.

With a bit of luck we should be able to get our hands on "the item" very soon!

Distortion

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not reticent at the thought of complaining about the mainstream media, but there are occasions in which we must do it anyway. Take, for instance, the case of Dustin Reader, who carved a "B" into his hair, apparently in support of the Cincinnati Bengals. The media has tried to cast this story as a "young person versus the intolerant establishment," but they have left out a number of interesting facts. If you were to ask yourself, for instance, whether the "B" has other meanings you might be surprised at the other ideas this seemingly-innocent hairdo might represent. It is quite possible, for instance, that he is simultaneously declaring his support for Button holes, Barbecues, or even Brads. If your were to take this inquiry one step further, you might ask yourself whether the barber had ulterior motives as well. The media didn't investigate whether he has any suspicious ties to the now-defunct Company or any other secretive societies, and they didn't address the allegation that he has been selling hole punches on the side. We know that most of our supporters are vigilant enough that they wouldn't be taken in by such clear distortion of the facts of the case, but we fear for society in general, which is why we feel we must lodge a formal complaint against this irresponsibility.

Choosing appropriate role models

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for our collective future, which, incidentally, is why we chose the phrase "The New Future" to grace our official logo, but that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is our concern that young people seem to be using lower and lower standards when choosing role models. We have had a task force quantifying the decline in role model standards for several months now, and they tell us they are getting much closer to the answer*.

What we fear most is that unsavory characters such as Requleme Abanto, a brad eater, will become role models for the new generation. According to our simulations this won't occur for another 32 years, 7 days and about 11 hours, but that model assumes that our models of current and future Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch activity are accurate, and those models are very much dependent on our climate models.

In addition to helping the next generation choose appropriate role models, we, the supporters of the People's GNU Dictatorship are constrained to try to limit the unholy influences of such people as Requelme Abanto. He was, as was mentioned above, treated in surgery to remove a pound and a half of nails, and several full packages of brads from his stomach, and yet he does not understand the danger he is in. He even laughed about the prospect of being a sideshow nail-and-brad-swallower for his friends. Like he said to a reporter, "I swallowed 17 nails in February and didn't die." If all we aspire to is not to die, then I truly fear for the future.

At this time, we, the Board of Dictators, are calling on all of you to:

1. Pick better role models for yourselves.
2. Encourage young people you meet to choose better role models.

We would like to make it clear that while we appreciate the adoration, not all of your role models have to be members of the Board of Dictators or super-secret operatives employed by the aforementioned Board. There are at least a half-dozen other people worthy of your adoration. Okay, I can't think of six right now, but I'm sure there are at least five.

*Specifically they told us that their work so far has arrived at 42.44482, plus or minus 2. In January the best answer they were able to give was 37.1123 plus or minus 14. We hope that by the end of the year they will have a number which is accurate to plus or minus 0.001, but we'll settle for plus or minus 0.1. After all, while the exact number is needed for our simulations of the future, we have run simulations with the current figure (42.44482) and the limits of our margin of error (40.44482 and 44.44482) and it takes 10 years into the future before the simulations differ by more than the initial difference in the inputs.

An apology (Warning: may contain vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not accommodating, which is why we take complaints very seriously. It has recently come to our attention that there are a number of our supporters who, like Vickie Larrieux, cannot bear the sight of vegetables. The term often used to describe such an irrational fear is "lachanophobia." We would like to apologize to any whose feelings were hurt by our failure to take into account the lachanophobic community among our supporters.

At the same time, however, the GNU Public Dictatorship stands for equality, and so we cannot and will not leave our vegetable friends hanging, so to speak. We have consulted with the Global Lachanophobia Awareness Detail (GLAD) and have determined that any future posts that refer to vegetables (including this one) will include a notice in the subject that will state that fact unambiguously. Labels such as these have been used successfully in the food industry and have made the experience of the food-allergic customer much better.

If there are any other groups of people out there that we may have offended, we invite you to make your voices known so that we can accommodate you as well!

It's just sad

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not socially conscious, which is why we find it sad that certain people don't think that all living things, animal and vegetable (and undead), deserve protection. Take this case, for example, when firefighters busied themselves with rescuing a pet duck rather than lifting weights or running laps. We wonder how much better these other activities would have been for the average taxpayer.

It's too bad they got caught

It seems that inmates at a jail in Indiana have been using a design flaw to visit with each other when the guards weren't looking. We just think it's too bad somebody got caught and ruined the fun for the rest of them. Oh, and although the article mentions "screws" we have it on good authority that the faulty fasteners are actually brads.

Finally!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are pleased to announce that Cha Sa-soon has, on her 950th attempt, finally succeeded in passing the written test for her driver's license! We have been following her story for several years now, and to see her finally accomplish the first step of her goal is very encouraging. We had received many requests to aid her, but our strict policy of non-interference in driving tests has prevented us from doing anything. We hope she can pass the practical test soon so that she can finally sell her vegetables from a vehicle with an engine!

More details

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not informative, which is why we have been working longer-than-usual hours trying to piece together the plans that were buried with Jacob Gehris's dismembered body parts. We have at this point successfully located all of his body parts along with the plans from all but the hand. We believe those plans are in the hands of the Parent Corporation, and we believe that they may include plans for a clapper-like device. We still cannot reveal everything in the documents buried with Mr. Gehris, but we would like to give you the information we can provide.

We know that he called his greatest invention "Aunt Gertrude." After spending many hours with our intelligence experts we believe that revealing what we know about "Aunt Gertrude" will not put our operatives in danger and will not empower the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. From the plans we have, we know that "Aunt Gertrude" was a rudimentary burglar alarm. It used mechanical means to turn on the gas to a lamp and strike a match. The lamp would light, illuminating the room it was in and alerting the occupants of the room that the signal had been received. The trigger mechanism is not depicted on the plans which we have in our possession. While we cannot be completely sure, we believe that the trigger mechanism was the clapper-like device that "Edgar" left on our computer system. According to the notes on the plans we have, the device was to serve as a burglar alarm. You might wonder why anyone would build a burglar alarm that would only trigger if the burglar clapped his hands twice in close succession, but we understand that agents of the Company at the time often used claps in close succession as a signal to other operatives of their presence. Thus, Mr. Gehris had designed in "Aunt Gertrude" a way to know whether the Company was in his home. The documents we do have suggest that he was killed to prevent this invention from becoming available to the general public, and that the plans for it were separated. It appears that the Company hoped to leverage Jacob's tool against him, but never got the chance.

We are very pleased to have discovered this wonderful tool for counter-intelligence, even if it is rather arcane by now. There is, of course, more to the documents than the plans to the clapper-alarm, but we haven't finished our deliberations on whether to make this information public just yet.

An effective use of emergency services?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to making the world a safer place, which is why we applaud Ms. Strey's decision to turn herself in for drunk driving. Normally we would suggest that someone in her situation simply not start driving drunk. Perhaps she could have called a cab, or waited until she was sober. We figure that when she decided to drive home she must not have realized how drunk she was and that while she was driving it finally occurred to her. We're just glad that she chose to stop being a danger to others before something happened.

A new threat?

We're not sure yet, but it looks like someone may have fed this moth after after midnight. If any of you see similar creatures terrorizing your town, please alert your local GPD office. It might be nothing more than a freak moth, but vigilance never hurt anyone.

Good news

A new report out today shows that brad sales have declined again this quarter, making it 13 years since brad sales worldwide have grown. Incidentally, the GNU Public Dictatorship has been operating for approximately 13 years. We are quite pleased with the results, but we recognize that there is still a long way to go in the War on Brads.

Well-deserved thanks

Here at the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to extend well-deserved thanks to Juliana for her tireless role in ending the global recession. While it isn't yet completely over, her efforts to fix the ailing economy have been consuming most of her time over the last year and are starting to produce tangible results. Here are some excerpts from e-mail we have received about her interactions with officials that will remain nameless here at their request:

"I thought I knew how the global markets work, but that was before I met Juliana. Her in-depth knowledge is astounding. She is definitely a valuable contributor to the New Future"

"I wish we had let Juliana help us before the economic collapse."

"Her insight into the workings of complex markets astounded me, and I work for the Fed!"

Thanks, Juliana!

A frightening incident!

Earlier today I was reading a book that my son had made in preschool when I discovered, much to my dismay, that part of it was constructed with a brad! Needless to say the book was promptly destroyed and an investigation was launched into how my son got his hands on a brad. We had screened our preschool teachers carefully and had made our objections to the use of brads a matter of record, so we were unsure why they chose to introduce our children to such an evil device. What we found should raise warning flags for everyone, and should inspire renewed vigilance against these tools of evil.

As it turns out, my son's preschool teacher was very busy last week and had asked her sister to assist her. Her sister, apparently unaware of how dangerous brads are, brought some crafts to keep the kids busy. We have reprimanded the teacher for trusting her sister's lesson plans. We have also made it clear that if there is another "mistake" we will take our son elsewhere, but it just goes to show that no matter what we do we cannot prevent our children from coming into contact with brads, and that the best thing to do is to teach them from an early age what to do if they encounter one.

We beg all of you who have contact with young, impressionable children to please take the time to talk to your children about brads before they are exposed. Nobody wants to have a brad addict in the family, and your actions now could prevent grief later!

Aunt Gertrude

As it turns out, "Aunt Gertrude" was Mr. Gehris's code word for his new invention. We have more information about this invention than we can share right now, but we hope to be able to share it very soon. Many thanks to Henrietta French, Horace Olsen, and Penelope Quartremain for the crucial information they found in their own private records and shared with us!

Equal Rights for Zombies!

Over the years the GNU Public Dictatorship has been instrumental in pushing reforms that guarantee equal rights for everyone, regardless of where they were born, how they were educated, or whether they happen to be a tomato with less-than-perfect symmetry. We have even worked to eliminate the symbols of discrimination along with the discrimination itself. It was brought to our attention recently, however, that our crusade for equal rights for everyone has ignored a whole segment of society: the undead. In fact, our policies toward the undead have often been less than tolerant.

Last week we were contacted by a representative of the Zombie Rights Campaign, and it has been an eye-opening experience for us. We have always prided ourselves on our tolerance and magnanimity, so when we realized that we, ourselves, had been discriminating we were distraught. We had some serious debate, a portion of which are reproduced here. For the full transcript please submit form W99823-J: Request for Transcript of Board Meeting to your local GPD office.

Tim: "If we look at our historical record, we can see that the GPD has unflinchingly supported equal rights in all cases. In order to maintain our principles, we must support equal rights for zombies."

Daniel: "We can't very well support equal rights for zombies while commissioning studies about how to deal with it when they attack, can we?"

Tim: "I never said the issue was without complications, just that we cannot afford to deny rights to an entity willing to ask for them, even if they have the potential to destroy the human race if they were to attack in a coordinated fashion."

Juliana: "The fundamental problem here appears to be the definition of a zombie. Is a zombie a creature with a will of its own, or is it a mere pathogen waiting to infect others?"

Daniel: "Assuming we support equal rights for zombies and a zombie is defined to be a pathogen, we would have to support equal rights for bacteria and viruses, even when such a campaign could seriously jeopardize our own health and safety."

Juliana: "Agreed. We can't simultaneously define a zombie as a pathogen and campaign for its rights. This is the crux of the issue."

Tim: "I think that if a bacterium ever asks us for protection we would have to acquiesce. Or, more generally, that if something has the presence of mind to request protection that they are by definition more than simply a pathogen."

The debate continued for several hours, and although both sides of the debate had compelling arguments, the Board of Dictators has finally decided that the GPD cannot any longer avoid entering the campaign for equal rights for zombies. Zombies who demand equal rights are clearly more than pathogens here to destroy civilization (even if they are here to destroy our civilization) and deserve the same protections that the rest of us enjoy. Besides, all of our research shows that zombies do not use hole punches or brads.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, and while we aren't saying that our supporters should never kill zombies, we would like to remind them to consider the rights of zombies before shooting them with shotguns or knocking their heads off. After all, they're not here just for your amusement!

Thanks

We would like to thank those of our supporters who helped investigate the strange incident in Jordan. Because of your help we did not have to divert needed resources from our other investigations, and we have found some important clues that may very well unravel the mystery surrounding Jacob Gehris's death once and for all. We don't want to give everything away, but we would like to state that we have found nearly all of the remainder of Mr. Gehris's body and the accompanying documents. With a little luck our operatives will soon have their hands on the documents the Parent Corporation has, and we will be able to reveal to the world the secret that the Company thought they had destroyed so very long ago. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the truth!

A request

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not aware of the sacrifices you make every day for the New Future, and we are nothing if not reluctant to add to your concerns. Unfortunately, however, our other channels of gaining information have been nearly exhausted and we would like to ask you to perform some distributed peer-to-peer investigations to see if we can find the missing link.

The documents we recovered from Ernesto Ruiz's construction site referred to a letter Jacob Gehris had sent to his "Aunt Gertrude", but, try as we might, we can't find a single bit of information about who this "Gertrude" was* (she certainly wasn't his real aunt). If you have access to records contemporaneous with the life of Jacob Gehris, please look through them for any implicit or explicit references to an "Aunt Gertrude." We look forward to hearing from you.

* This isn't strictly true. We know quite a bit about who she wasn't, and we suspect at this point that "Aunt Gertrude" may not be a person at all, and that the entire message was coded. Either way, we believe the exercise of looking through your personal belongings will be beneficial and will probably turn up new leads (even if they don't lead us to Mr. Gehris' "Aunt Gertrude."

Act before thinking... or is it think before acting...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we have long held the opinion that there are multiple classes of people living on the earth. Many cultures have formalized this difference, including the Indian caste system and the Italian fascist movement under Benito Mussolini, but we believe they went too far. In fact, as we have previously made clear, the GPD is opposed to all forms of discrimination. We have no plans to create a formalization of the class system as such a system would inevitably foment discrimination.

Even so, however, the fundamental class of a person is sometimes apparent, as in this case of a woman driving drunk to pick up her friend who was already picked up for DWI. We'll leave the class determination as an exercise for the reader.

A good start

While many people have contemplated the implications of urban sprawl, few have done anything about it. Luckily, Steven Von Worley has taken the first steps for us, mapping out the contiguous United States in terms of the distance to the nearest McDonald's. Even if it weren't informative and deeply meaningful, it looks pretty cool. While there is still much to do*, we would like to officially recognize his invaluable contribution to society. Thanks, Steven.

*We didn't want to ruin the body of this post with a list of things yet to be done, so we're including a short list of future work here at the bottom:

1. Map not only the location of each McDonald's, but the perceived quality of each location. As any patron knows there are distinct differences in the dining experience at different restaurants. On a related note, the quality of a McDonald's often depends on the proximity to other options, but that would be difficult to model
2. Create a mapping service that, given any location will provide the quickest route(s) for walkers, hikers, ATVs, bikers, drivers, canoers, and so forth to the nearest McDonald's. This service would need to be available on mobile devices.
3. Correlate this data with the population density.
4. Include the rest of the world.
   

Giant pumpkins

We're sorry for the inconvenience the lack of posts over the the last week may have caused any of our supporters. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to maintaining regular contact with our supporters, but sometimes the resources of the Board of Dictators are stretched just a bit thin. Last week, for instance, I was working on isolating a particularly virulent infection that has been recently observed on hole punches in the American West. The good news is that the infectious agent has been isolated and that those who have been infected (and are still alive, anyway) are expected to make a full recovery.

We have also had a task force guarding this pumpkin, which has consumed a great deal of our expendable resources. Some of our supporters in the area asked why we do it. The answer lies in what Ms. Harp said:

"The fear of any giant pumpkin grower is that some kid will come and destroy it with a baseball bat."

This simple quote summarizes the problems inherent in most forms of government: the few "hooligans" that seem to think that they are more important than everyone else slip under the radar and make life difficult for the rest of you that just want to live a happy life. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we felt it would be a good time to introduce Ms. Harp to a Better Way, the New Future. When we are fully in power no pumpkin growers will fear random kids with sports equipment--for one thing because we will systematically eradicate the genes that produce a gourd-smashing affinity (among other undesirable habits), but more generally because of the unique advantages our Board of Dictators provides.

What are they up to?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not ubiquitous, but apparently our presence is thinner in certain regions than in others. We have received reports of a strange incident in Jordan, and due to some resource allocation difficulties we won't be able to send an operative there until tonight, so we are asking all of you who might be in the area to please investigate it as much as possible and send us your info. We are confident that with your help we will be able to tie this to the Parent Corporation. Thanks again for your support!

Another clue

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated, which is why we have had our operatives searching for hints about what the Parent Corporation recovered along with Jacob Gehris's hand. The investigation has advanced enough today that we are able to reveal an important clue. Of course we know more than we are revealing publicly, but we are still trying to protect our investigation from unnecessary complications.

The clue itself may not seem particularly important, but trust us that it is. It seems that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch knew where the hand was buried as early as April of this year, but they were afraid to act without more knowledge. The clue we found was an entry in the logs for our administrative computer system in the GPD office infiltrated by "Edgar". It read, simply:

[20090612T180942.1233] /home/quisling$ rm -f clapper.cad

The first thing we found interesting is that this command shows that the user who performed this action had root privileges, which we never grant under normal operating circumstances, even to our Counts. We dug through the logs a bit more and found out that our IT manager had been tricked into installing a program that allowed "Edgar" to run an elementary buffer overflow exploit and gain root access so that he could delete a file in quisling's account (our IT manager has had his fingers smashed between a door jamb and a refrigerator as punishment). We were able to recover clapper.cad (which is why our IT manager hasn't been fired), and we recovered partial plans for a Clapper-like device. What is particularly interesting is that these plans were last modified on April 3, 1975, well before the patent was filed for The Clapper. We aren't sure why "Edgar" felt the need to delete these plans, but we suspect, based on the logs, that the plans were copied there by mistake early in his infiltration and that he was attempting to cover his tracks. Based on the surveillance tapes we have of "Edgar" we also suspect that he was using our computer system to try to complete these plans, and that when he discovered a piece of information (which we, unfortunately, still cannot reveal) he realized that the remainder of the plans had not been in the possession of the Company, but buried with the hand of Jacob Gehris. We suspect that the UBHP now has the completed plans, and we are being more-than-usually vigilant to make sure it doesn't adversely affect you!

George, the Hypnotherapist

As George the Cat is now a licensed hypnotherapist, the GNU Public Dictatorship is proud to be the the first organization to invite him on a lecture tour. Check your local GPD office for information about when you can see him!

An unanticipated reason not to change your name.

Many people when they achieve (or want to achieve) fame end up trading their hard-to-pronounce or hard-to-spell name for a name that is nearly monosyllabic or deemed more "appropriate." The examples are many, but include Louis Burton Lindley, Jr (who later became the much more interesting Slim Pickens), Marion Morrison (who later became the infinitely more manly John Wayne), Ioseb Besarionis Dze Jughashvili (who changed his name to the much more imposing Josef Stalin).

We have, however, recently uncovered a reason why simplifying your name may not be the best career move. In Sylvaina, Ohio, Royal Barber wrote the names of his opponents in a local race on tombstones in his yard. Mr. Eff was not pleased and asked to have his name removed. Mr. Jennewine, however, was not included in the display as his name would not fit on the tombstone. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, and we ask you to keep this in mind when debating whether to simplify your name.

What brads do to people

It is difficult to believe, but even in this enlightened age there are still a sizable number of people who are not just ignorant of the dangers of brads, but stubbornly refuse to accept the evidence that shows just how sinister they are. One such individual is Jackie Denise Knott, of Albertville, Alabama, who apparently secured a large cardboard box to the top of her minivan using a homemade brad she constructed with a clothes hanger. It wouldn't have been so bad if her 13-year-old daughter hadn't been riding in this box. At this point it is still unclear whether Jackie is a purveyor of brads or merely an enthusiast, but we are having our Truth About Brads squads investigate. We merely hope that her experience will teach people the folly of trusting brads rather than suggest to them the incorrect conclusion that the child hadn't fallen off the vehicle, so the homemade brad must have been adequate for the task. You never can tell what some people will believe.

Environmentalist overtones

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sensitive to trends in society, and we have realized recently that we may not have enough environmentalist overtones to our blog. While we have always been in favor of taking care of our environment, the new-found fascination with environmentalism in the popular media suggests that we might need to to more. As an example, think of Escape to Witch Mountain, which was adapted to a 1975 film of the same name. Even in the 1995 remake it had no environmental message, but the 2009 installment Race to Witch Mountain has finally been able to join the bandwagon. It's an awful lot like the way patriotism suddenly became popular after the 2001 terrorist attacks and even the very patriotic had to start wearing flag lapel pins in order to not be labeled a terrorist supporter.

Anyway, as a consequence we are auditing all of our standard practices to find out where we can insert our increasingly popular environmentalist messages. We would like to stress that none of our beliefs are changing. We have always taken a strong stance about caring for the environment, but now we'll try to show that concern more overtly so we can blend in with other popular news sources!

Don't try this at home

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to your safety, but we understand that sometimes restrictions on people's actions have no purpose rooted in science (other than irritating people). We have performed many studies, and if you ever wondered why they stopped asking you to turn your cell phone off while in the hospital you now know the answer. Recently we have received a number of complaints about the draconian safety regulations surrounding MRI machines, which is why we had Joy Smith, one of our senior operatives in safety regulation investigation, take her gun into an MRI room in a preliminary study. The results show rather conclusively that this is one safety regulation that won't be repealed any time soon. If she had been fine we would have conducted hosts of tests, but as it is, this is going to be the end of the road for now. We hope you appreciate our investigations and that you will send us any other safety rules you would like put to the test!

Sorting through the allegations

Many of our supporters have asked us how it is that we can somehow get to the heart of the issues the way we do without getting bogged down in conspiracy theories or unimportant tangents. Karen Hartford of Athens, Georgia, stated well what many of our readers have been saying since we started this blog:

"When I browse the web I know I am apt to find unreliable information, but I never have that concern while browsing your blog. I have never once felt misinformed or underinformed about the big issues threatening our society. I wish I knew how you cut through all of the rumors and allegations out there so that other bloggers could be as informative as you are."

We are glad that you find our service informative and helpful, and will do our best to explain how we do it so that others can imitate us more fully. Before we do that, however, we would like to point to an example of how investigation can get easily confused. While the article is an interesting read about several conspiracy theories related to the disappearance of the Arctic Sea cargo ship, it does not help the user to understand what actually happened. The fact that the author may not know is irrelevant, as in many cases people would rather be told what to believe than be given the facts and asked to reach their own conclusions. Without further ado, then, here are our guidelines for better persuasive blogging:

1. Be honest about your own fallibility. Occasionally make rash decisions or make mistakes. This will give an air of authenticity to your posts and will make people believe you more often.
   
2. If you don't know the answer, either guess or make one up. People like it when you tell them things, not when you tell them you don't know things.
3. When short of sources, say things like "everyone know that macaroni was invented in Ireland" or "since people prefer balloon animals to pork and beans." Invoking general knowledge makes people who don't agree with you feel like they are in the minority.

We could go on, but since lists of things for people to improve on generally become less effective after three items, we'll let it stay there. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful!

A breakthrough!

We are pleased to announce that, due mainly to the efforts of our loyal operative "Viktor," we have uncovered some very interesting information that ties up a number of loose ends in both the Quisling incident and the case of the no-longer-missing hand. The breakthrough happened when Ernesto Ruiz of Waco, Texas, presented some information at his local GPD office and was subsequently contacted by "Viktor" (in disguise, of course).

It seems that Ernesto had discovered some documents last summer while supervising a demolition project in nearby Clifton. The documents were found in a vault that also contained a well-preserved human foot. Our lawyers would like us to explain that we do not advocate the actions that Ernesto took next and that we have reprimanded him. Ernesto wanted to avoid entanglements on the project he was working on, so he took the foot surreptitiously, put it in a freezer on his own property and kept the documents in his own safe. He didn't make any official reports, and the only people who knew he had found anything were his son Fabio and one of his friends. Incidentally, we interviewed Fabio and the friend (who shall remain anonymous as he is currently part of another investigation) and found that they knew nothing of the contents of the vault. While we disagree with Ernesto's decision to not notify the authorities, it was this very act that made possible the breakthrough we are announcing today. It's strange how things work out sometimes.

The documents suggest (and DNA testing has confirmed) that the foot belongs to none other than Jacob Gehris. The foot has been sent to the lab that is still studying the hand, and perhaps we'll have some more interesting findings soon. The documents are currently being studied, but they have already filled in the most significant of holes we had in our understanding of recent events. (For the curious, the documents were authenticated by John Reznikoff of University Archives).

We have previously mentioned some of the rumors surrounding the death of Jacob Gehris. One of the lesser-known rumors is that Jacob was killed to prevent him from inventing something the Company did not want released to the world. The documents Ernesto discovered bear this theory out, as they appear to be plans for a sophisticated device (whose purpose and nature will be withheld for now as we aren't sure how much the Parent Corporation knows yet and we don't want to give them more than we have to). The Company, in an apparently-misguided attempt at security, has kept their information about this invention and the whereabouts of the plans scattered in several locations. Over the years much of the information has been lost, but we did recover two such documents from "John" when he turned himself in earlier this year. The Parent Corporation apparently has one or more of these documents, and the belief that we had recovered some from "John" was what apparently spurred "Edgar" to risk his life infiltrating our office. He was able to recover one small detail from our records (the clerk who let it slip has been dealt with), which apparently told him where to look for Jacob's hand.

We're not sure whether the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch recovered any information where they found the hand, but we're sure now that they put it into Hugh Tanner's yard so it would be discovered far from its original location.

As we mentioned earlier we aren't going to disclose the contents of the documents found by Ernesto at this point, but we thought we would let you know that the mystery of the Quisling incident is now much less mysterious and that our recent breakthrough will surely give us the upper hand in our battle against evil!

Another study

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with your welfare, which is why we commission so many studies. We hope that you, our supporters, appreciate this effort, especially since we rarely ask for the credit when the researchers are done. Most of our operating budget goes into such research.

Anyway, it is with pleasure that we point you to the results of a recent study we commissioned. We set out to answer the question "What makes people violent?" and came up with a variety of studies. The studies about brads and hole punches and violence were completed and published long ago, but this study, which shows how consuming candy as a youngster can lead to violent behavior later in life, has taken much longer to produce. We hope you enjoy it.

Action item: stop the Brad Guys!

In our long fight against the evil that is the brad we have fought many battles. One of them, which we thought was over long ago, involved an application for UNESCO protection for the so-called "Brad Dance." As long as there were more famous dances in the running we didn't think the UN would act on this application, but now, several years later, with the announcement that the Tango will receive protection we are a bit more concerned about the Brad Guys' application. We should note that the application was submitted by the Company, a group that no longer exists. The UN, however, has refused to drop the application and plans to debate it. We are asking all of our supporters to write their UN representative immediately requesting them to either (1) ignore the application or (2) vote against it when the time comes. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed that the Company's actions may still cause us trouble, but we are hopeful that the UN will make the right choice!

Beware the trees!

Over the years people have come up with many things to embody the fear we all feel at times. Some of these creations include vampires, Frankenstein's monster, werewolves, zombies, and hostile aliens. Many of these ideas have been rehashed so many times that as a society we get bored of them. Vampires aren't interesting enough anymore--now we need vampires that sparkle in the sun or that are zombies of some sort as well. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are pleased to announce that we have found a previously-unknown embodiment of fear: the acorn. We know that trees have been used as fearsome creatures before, for example in The Wizard of Oz and The Lord of the Rings. Now, however, it is not the trees we can fear, but the small objects that live in the trees and drop on us unexpectedly. We're working with the major studios in Hollywood to get an acorn horror movie produced, and if all goes well we should see one by next fall. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to originality!

Preliminary findings

It is great pleasure that we announce to you today some of the preliminary findings in the case of Jacob Gehris's hand. We have had it examined by a number of seasoned professionals, and we believe it is an appropriate time to reveal what they found:

1. It is indeed the hand of Jacob Gehris. The fingerprints are as near a complete match as we have ever seen, and DNA collected before his death was used to match the DNA of the hand. We also had the mitochondrial DNA of his close relative's descendants tested. With all three tests the probability of the hand not belonging to Jacob Gehris is approximately one in 3.2 trillion.
2. Trace evidence under his fingernails prove that he was in Conflate, Arizona before his death. We found a type of dirt that, in true CSI form, is only found in a few places in the world. We also found traces of chemicals that, in 1875, were only used in the nail factories in several American cities. The only place that both of these could be found at the time was in Conflate, Arizona.
3. The hand was indeed severed post-mortem, which appears to substantiate the rumors about his death and dismemberment.
4. There were no signs of a struggle. To be clear, however, the lack of evidence does not prove that there was no struggle, just that we have no way to prove that he struggled with his nephew prior to his death.
5. Our tox screen revealed higher-than-normal levels of formaldehyde, suggesting he may have been drugged before his death. Either that, or he was embalmed prior to his dismemberment.
6. We looked for latent fingerprints on the hand, but couldn't find any usable prints.
7. We had a chirologist study the hand, and she found several interesting things:

• His life line was long, suggesting that his death was premature
• His heart line suggested that while he was discouraged by the failure of brads to make any money that he was not depressed
• His head line showed that he had been working on a significant invention before his death.

Most of the conclusions we have reached so far do not shed much light on Jacob's death, but we are intrigued by what the palm reader found. We have some documents (as yet unreleased) that show that the Company believed that Mr. Gehris was on his way to inventing something that would disrupt the Company's plans for world domination. We had dismissed this as unlikely given the other evidence, but now that our palm reader suggested the same thing we'll take it more seriously and have begun a full review of all of our documents from that era and the documents acquired from the collapse of the Company and the Quisling incident. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to solving this mystery!

Something big

Since the Quisling incident a few months ago we have been studying the activities of the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch even more carefully than usual, and we can without a doubt state that they're up to something big. We're not talking big like giant babies--that hype will soon fade. I should mention that we have known about portions of their plans for some time, including the experiments on butterfly antennae where butterflies were tortured in the name of science. Reports indicate they plan to create human antennae out of brads, but while we don't believe they will succeed in this endeavor we are concerned with their progress. We also knew about "Edgar" and his mysterious as-yet-unrevealed-to-the-public motive for infiltrating one of our offices in Nevada. We wish we could reveal more about this motive, but we don't want to jeopardize "Viktor's" investigations. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, and we hope you will heed our advice to be vigilant and to renew your commitment to stop the spread of evil office products!

The Death of Jacob Gehris

Many supporters responded to our recent post about the discovery of Jacob Gehris's hand by asking us what the rumors surrounding his apparent suicide were. We are surprised that so many of our supporters have not researched this topic, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that information is power, so we'll share with you what we know (and what rumors say) about his untimely demise.

First, the facts. Jacob was last seen alive on April 14, 1875 in Conflate, Arizona by his nephew Jonathan Hansen (who, incidentally, was rumored to have ties with the Company, but more about that later). His nephew said that Jacob was acting moody and discussed his failure to make any money off his invention at length. Besides Jonathan the last time he is documented to have been seen alive was during a particularly involved April Fool's Day joke involving several horses and a ladder. Not much more is officially known about his whereabouts before his body was discovered on April 15 by Percival Grant, the milkman. The police investigated the death, labeled it a suicide, and quickly rushed his body away for disposal. It is at this point that the details become a bit fuzzier. It has been rumored that the Company had Jacob's body embalmed, dismembered, and scattered, presumably so that nobody could investigate his death further. Documents we recovered from the collapse of the Company suggested that his body parts may have been moved a few times over the years, but since the Company is no longer in business it is little surprise that his hand has turned up after all these years. There were other more bizarre rumors such as the one involving a UFO coverup, but you can read about them online, so we won't take up space here. Just search for "Jacob Gehris Hoax". The most interesting unresolved question from the police investigation in 1875 is whether his nephew was involved in the death. The police at the time labeled him as trustworthy and dismissed him as a suspect, but documents that have more recently come to light paint a different picture of him. We can't confirm any of the rumors that he was a Brad Guy, but we certainly think it was likely. We'll keep you informed of new developments in the case of the no-longer-missing hand.

If you're going to do the time...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to justice for criminals, but we find it just a bit dodgy that people can be charged with crimes without being allowed to follow through. We understand that sometimes the crime must be prevented, but in this case, we think the man being charged with shoplifting should have been able to finish the crime he started before he paid for it. It's not like the beer could be taken back to the store or anything. Really.

An interesting discovery

Imagine this: you're digging in your yard, and suddenly you see a finger pointing at you from inside the dirt. Most people would simply have run in terror from the apparent zombie. Not Hugh Tanner, a supporter who lives in Maryland. He remembered the stories his mother used to tell him about how Jacob Gehris had been dismembered post-mortem and scattered to discourage medical examination. Until now the stories have been nothing but rumors, but with this hand we can finally and categorically state that Mr. Gehris was indeed dismembered after his death. We are continuing our forensic investigation in the hopes it might shed some light on his apparent suicide in April of 1875.

We're still surprised

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not ready for opposition, but it still surprises us when the mainstream press chooses to report on some incidents and not on others. We understand that an apparently nutty guy hurling golf balls into a national park to honor deceased golfers and leaving piles of vegetables near the roads for stranded hikers is news, we just don't understand why they didn't bother reporting on the man who was recently apprehended in Redwood National Park spreading small brads in the bushes around a trail and claiming that we has simply trying to replenish the world's supply of brads by planting more. We don't believe the reporters are deliberately avoiding the juicier stories, but we do believe that the Parent Corporation must be putting pressure on the editors to stifle stories that paint brads in a bad light. Interestingly, the individual apprehended while planting brads was not affiliated with the Parent Corporation in any way--he was just a bit off his rocker. The Parent Corporation does not relish the thought of crazy being associated with brads, which is why they went to great lengths to squash this story. Many thanks to Harriet Thurman, the park ranger who made sure the story got out of the park!

Discrimination

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to ending discrimination in all of its forms. Loyal supporters will remember our groundbreaking work with the EU to end discrimination against fruits and vegetables, and you will all remember our "Let's beat up people who like to discriminate against others" campaigns. In spite of all of our efforts, however, it seems that stubborn individuals still refuse to be tolerant of others. We hope that those individuals are shamed into conformity by angry neighbors, because, after all, why shouldn't a Jedi be able to shop at Tesco without giving up his religious convictions?

One more triumph

In the wake of the investigations surrounding the Quisling incident we have found a great deal of information, and we have made a significant arrest. The mainstream media, of course, doesn't appear to grasp the significance of the arrest, but we are thrilled. The man we arrested was none other than Hans Jenkins, the Chief Technology Officer for the Parent Corporation. Papers found at the scene of the Incident implied that the Parent Corporation had financed the redesign of the reality simulator, and we have long had reason to believe that "Edgar" and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch retain their tax-free status by some creative accounting with the Parent Corporation. We believe that the documents we found will not only indict Hans for illegal dealings with the Unholy Brotherhood, but that they will break the facade of separation between the UBHP and the Parent Corporation once and for all.

Hans has been organizing "surplus sales" of phantom office equipment and having the accountants work their magic. In reality, he is funneling the profits from the UBHP's activities into the Parent Corporation simply so that the UBHP can avoid tax liability.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thrilled by the arrest of Hans Jenkins and we are looking forward to the day when the UBHP has to face the music and pay their taxes.

A caution

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, which is why we are suggesting that you take more baths, or at least get a metal shower head. Incidentally, similar studies have been performed on brads and found that the same bacteria flourish there. We are not aware of any studies on hole punches, but we are commissioning one as we speak...er...as I type?

An inquiry

The recent popularity of the "Cash for Clunkers" program in the United States has prompted thorough reviews of the way aging cars are treated in general. Many activists claimed the Cash for Clunkers program amounted to little more than death panels, where bureaucrats got to decide which cars lived and which cars died. Others claim that the dismantling of certain cars was done following a cost/benefit analysis that was transparent and clearly the right thing for society to do.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not interested in getting to the truth, and so we have been performing our own investigation into the alleged mistreatment of older cars. We visited (clandestinely, of course) three separate nursing facilities for older cars and what we found may be shocking, so if you are easily shocked or appalled, please read no further.

Most people believe that when they drop their aging car off at a nursing facility that the car will receive regular maintenance and cleaning and that the car's problems will be mitigated in such a way as to help it die with dignity. Most people are wrong. At least in the three facilities* we infiltrated the truth is much less dignified.

In order to get inside, we found three older cars that were donated by supporters, and rigged them with microphones, video cameras, and a few more specialized sensors before dropping them off. In each case, the first thing that was done to the car was a thorough inspection akin to a strip search intended to find any parts that might be able to be extracted and sold to repair shops. When such parts were found they were immediately removed from the vehicles and replaced with barely-functioning parts that caused the vehicles a great deal of pain. After this initiation into the nursing home, the aging cars were then unceremoniously parked in an uncovered lot behind the home. When we went back to visit our car we were told it was being cleaned at the moment and we would have to wait. Our surveillance revealed that during our wait the car was taken from the lot, cleaned up, and brought to a garage where we were finally allowed to visit it.

If this were the extent of the atrocities we observed, however, we would have been shocked but not yet appalled. As it is, we were so far beyond appalled that we're not sure what to call it. We intentionally did not visit our cars for several months, and our surveillance revealed that the workers began to remove more and more parts, sometimes replacing them with duct tape.

What surprised us most about the "care" our cars received was that as parts were being removed and replaced, more often than not the replacement parts would be constructed from or installed with hole punches and brads. We haven't established a firm link with the Parent Corporation or the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch just yet, but in a situation this evil we are not surprised to find evil office products being used.

After several months we went back and asked to see our cars, but were told that they had expired. We knew from our sensor data that this was not the case, and that they were suffering in silence in the back lot. We resolved to break into the lot and retrieve our cars before it was too late, but in one case the car was crushed alive before we could retrieve it.

We don't think there is cause for widespread panic, but we do want to let people make informed decisions about their aging cars.

*Although the facilities were striking in their similar approaches to aging car care, they were run by ostensibly different entities. We won't mention the names of the homes here, but if you are curious please contact your local GPD office for a request form (2245-K Request for Information about a GPD Investigation)