Brad Guys

Have you ever wondered who is behind the brad, the sinister metal objects used to join paper, cardboard, and other materials in such a way that it rotates freely? More importantly, have you ever wondered why the brad has tines of different lengths? To save you the effort, I have researched it extensively and am prepared to explain it all to you in brutal detail. I apologize in advance to those readers unfortunate enough to visit this blog after the inevitable redaction occurs. I assure you I will fight the attempt to "sanitize" my post, but I can't be responsible if the Company gets to it while I'm not paying attention.

The brad was ostensibly invented in 1869 by Jacob Gehris, a disgruntled employee of a nail factory in Conflate, AZ. He presented his idea to his supervisors, but they told him it was not worth pursuing and dismissed him. The official reason given for his dismissal was "lack of dedication to the company." Mr. Gehris wanted to create brads so that scrapbookers and mobile-builders could express themselves in ways that were much more difficult given the tools of the day. Little did he know, however, that he had stumbled on a secret much bigger than himself. Mr. Gehris acquired a patent on the brad later that month, but was subsequently abducted by the secretive owners of the nail factory. He couldn't remember their exact words, but they asked him why he had designed the brad with assymetric tines. He told them it made it easier for the user to separate the tines upon use. They told him that was satisfactory and that they would let him keep the patent in his name and keep all of the proceeds of the brads during his lifetime, but that when he reached the age of 63 he would sign the patent over to the Company. He didn't want to make any more waves, and so he whole-heartedly agreed. Brad sales were slow for the first five years, and Mr. Gehris became very depressed. In April of 1875 he presumably committed suicide, leaving the Company as the sole beneficiary of the brad. What Mr. Gehris didn't know was that the Company had been scuttling his business using its extensive network of resources. Needless to say, the brad market really heated up after 1875. It reached its peak during the Great Depression, and declined during the following years. Recent efforts to revitalize them (external link) appear to be achieving success, which is why I am writing this warning post.

Why did the Company see fit to crush the life of a man whose only crime was to stumble on the brad? The answer lies in the secret cult that for many years worshipped the brad as a symbol of the union of our culture with that of extraterrestrials who had come bearing brads several millenia ago. The cult itself has gone by many names over the course of its existense. Early records refer to the "Sons of Brad". More recent manuscripts called it "The Brotherhood of Bradley". In the 1900's a newspaper reporter working to uncover the cult coined the term "Brad Guys," to which I, myself, am partial. This reporter went missing shortly after his article was printed. In recent years they have shunned all of these names in favor of their current title, the "Company". When Mr. Gehris unwittingly became a part of the story the Company decided it was time to put their nefarious plan into action.

Before we get to the plan itself, we should delve into some of the background. A medieval historian reported on a cult ceremony involving the brad, and noted that "the followers of the cult ingestede[sic] small quantities of small bfassy[sic] nail-like objects in order to achieve a state of enlightenment." Recent studies by concerned scientists have confirmed that brass brads can indeed accumulate significant quantities of hallucinogenic substances under the right set of circumstances. They also noted that several lab animals had died after ingesting brads. If you see your children or your neighbor's children with brads, please warn them of this danger. Still another problem with brads is they way they are used by unscrupulous individuals to portray sinuous and sensual movements, which are very detrimental to the development of a chaste and noble society.

The information I have found suggests that the Company is currently engaged in an all-out attempt to control the world through hallucinogens and mind-control drugs placed on brads and carefully and systematically distributed to children across the world. One of the obstacles Mr. Gehris fought while trying to make a living off his invention was the general distrust of the brad. In today's society it may seem foolish or old-fashioned to fear brads, but that is all part of the Company's plan. They have employed skilled marketing for more than a century to make us all believe that they are harmless. Do not let yourself be fooled! The brad that Jacob Gehris invented has been twisted into a tool of evil. If he had lived until today, he would be ashamed of the evil he introduced into the world.

Perhaps the most mysterious aspect of the brad is why the Company asked Mr. Gehris about the different lengths of the tines. While no documentation explaining the significance of this question has remained intact throughout the years, many theories have been put forth. Some believe it is a representation of the dominance of the male gender in society. Some say it is a reference to the extraterrrestrials who brought them, who reportedly had legs of different lengths. These theories are dismissed by leading scholars as unreliable speculation. The consensus among scholars is that it represents the Company's prophecies of the end of the world, in which two ships will come to Earth, one to save the believers, one to capture the masses for slave labor. The ship to capture the masses would presumably have to be bigger, thus the asymmetry. The truth is, however, that we may never know what the difference in length of the tines may mean, or why the Company officials that abducted Mr. Gehris were so keen on knowing the reason for his design.

While none of us are entirely safe, we can reduce the likelihood of suffering if we:

• Search our childrens' backpacks every day after school, removing and burying any brads found. (Rember to use gloves and to line the burial site with heavy plastic)
• When your children show you something they made with brads, immediately remove the brads and replace them with staples. (Again, remember to use gloves and dispose of them properly.)
  
• Before your children go to public schools or preschools, be sure to have The Talk with them about the dangers of brads. Make it clear that "everyone else is doing it" is not a valid excuse.
• Write letters to the editor of your local paper extolling the virtues of abstaining from brads. While the Company has a lot of influence if we unite we can probably get something through the cracks.
• Get active in your local PTA and push for the banning of brads. Remember that the status is NOT quo.
• Inform others of this and other articles about the dangers of brads. Here are some examples (do not be surprised if they are removed before you visit them. The Company is very diligent) : Brads: a preschool toy?, Jacob Gehris (Wikipedia), Americans Against Halucinogens, and How to Keep Your Family Safe in a World of Brads.
  

The most important piece of advice is not to panic. The GNU Public Dictatorship is fighting for you and your children, and with your help, will soon vanquish the Company forever. We will be victorious!