In Memory of Henry Ralston, Hero of the People

I'm sure all of you read about the attempt on my life perpetrated by employees at a restaurant in San Antonio, Texas. What the media did not report, however, was the heroic end that Henry Ralston, one of my aides, met at the hands of the Enemies of the Board. Here's the obituary from the San Antonio Express-News:

Amy Dorsett and Cindy Tumiel - Express-News
Henry Ralston passed away in the hospital last night due to internal bleeding under suspicious circumstances. He was 35 at the time of his death. He was born in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. He was the third and last child born to his parents Mary Lou and Friedrich Ralston. He was the captain of the AV club at his high school, and always came in second or third in state Chess championships. He was an active member of the NRA and was always kind to animals. He is survived by his pet boa constrictor Jane, his mother and father, and his siblings Donald and Sarah.

There is no mention here of any heroism or even any back history of the "suspicious circumstances." For those who haven't heard about it, I'll give a brief history of the events as they unfolded. On Thursday afternoon after our rally at The Alamo, my party and I decided to dine on the river walk. The restaurant we chose, however, had been infiltrated by Enemies of the Board. I suspect the Brad Guys were involved, but no conclusive ties have been established yet. The perpetrators added a slow-acting poison to our food. At about midnight, Henry became violently ill. We immediately suspected foul play and called in our doctor. He promptly discovered the cause of his illness, but by this time I had also become violently ill. The doctor was able to find an antidote to the poison, but it just wasn't soon enough for Henry. He was admitted to the hospital and valiantly clung to life until this morning, when he succumbed to the massive trauma and slipped out of this world. As it turns out, the perpetrators of this heinous act had put poison in all of the food, but what they didn't know is that Henry's allergy medication made him more susceptible to the poison than the rest of us. They hadn't counted on Henry falling ill before the rest of us, and therefore thought to kill us all.

We would like to thank Henry, his family, and his boa constrictor Jane for their sacrifice for the cause of the People's GNU Dictatorship: for the people, by the people and of the people. He is the first of our supporters to be honored with the title "Hero of the People," the highest award our citizens may strive for. Please remember the Alamo and the sacrifice that Henry Ralston, Hero of the People, made in the cause of causes.