An apology

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the correct dissemination of knowledge, which is why it pains us greatly that we have been unable to post to this forum for the last couple of days.  We would like to reassure you all that we are not abandoning our quest for the New Future, nor are we ignoring our faithful supporters, but, with all the activity the New Company has been engaging in there has not been enough time for us to post anything meaningful on this site.  In addition to tracking the New Company's recent activity we have also been interviewing the candidates for membership in the Board of Dictators that passed the first round, and we have been investigating the allegations that "Edgar," whose relationship to us is so complex that we hesitate to try to explain it in this very concise post, has been involved in the attack on our offices in Yakima recently.

We can categorically state at this time that the New Company's recent activity was an attempt at a DoS attack aimed at keeping our operatives so busy that we wouldn't notice some of the things they were up to.  While their activities did produce enough load on our infrastructure that we had to scale back these posts, they were not sufficient to interrupt our intelligence operations.  We will work to address the inadequacies that led to the temporary lack of information here, but otherwise we give our organization high marks for its response to this incident.

As far as our other tasks go, we have interviewed each of the candidates and will now put them through the obstacle course to see how they fare there.  As of this moment they are all still in the running, but we'll keep you posted.  As for the allegations about "Edgar" we are still unable to clear him completely, but we have our reservations.  It appears that he might have been framed, or if he wasn't framed, perhaps he botched the job pretty badly himself.  We wish we could give a more definite answer, but at this time it is impossible to do so.

Funding

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited that one of our favorite projects has secured Pentagon funding.  Our operatives have not worked with the particular company that is getting the funding this time, but they have spent countless hours testing similar battle wound foam concoctions.  Most of them have showed incremental benefits to the wounded operatives, but none of them have been the breakthrough that we have been hoping for.  Some of them were spectacularly bad, but we won't dwell on those.  After all, the participants in the study did sign liability waivers before participating.  We know that government funding is transitory and perhaps nothing will come of this brilliant idea, but we hope that Arsenal Medical will succeed!

Not just fun and games

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the betterment of society and the inception of the New Future, but we are a bit disturbed by the apparent lack of purpose in a stunt carried out  in London recently.  There appears to have been no real purpose to the event, and the best the perpetrators can say was that they wanted to boost the number of times per day that Britons laugh.  We would like to ask why they only care about the times per day that Britons laugh, and not, say, Frenchmen or Latvians, and also how an oversize rubber duck is supposed to increase the overall laugh rate unless it is to be sailed daily, in which case the novelty would wear off and the effectiveness decrease.  Something is amiss here, and we will figure it out!

We have awesome supporters

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that we have awesome supporters, especially since anonymous allegations of misconduct didn't cause you to go after "Edgar" with pitchforks and torches, even if it is becoming trickier to get your hands on angry mob supplies such as pitchforks and torches.  We can now reveal that the anonymous allegations were part of our vetting process for candidates for the Board of Dictators, and that "Edgar" did not become enraged by the allegations and thus passed this particular test.  We can't say that "Edgar" had nothing to do with the incident, but we can say that the anonymous allegations have no weight behind them!

Allegations

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of anonymous allegations of misconduct, especially when those allegations can be traced to Internet cafes in the vicinity of some of our more notorious enemies, but we would like to let you know that we are investigating the allegations that "Edgar" was in part responsible for the heinous attack on our GPD office in Yakima last week.  We have a suspect in custody, and if any verifiable links emerge we will let you know.  Until then, we ask you to assume that "Edgar" is probably innocent and not form an armed mob to "deal with him."

The suspect

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, which is why we allow existing institutions to "do their thing" while we lay the infrastructure we need to properly and completely rule the world.  One such case was our recent allowing of the local authorities in Yakima to detain our number one suspect.  Unfortunately, the police seemed less than inclined to believe us and released him without charging him this morning.  Not to worry, though, as we have now detained him ourselves and are busy getting the information we need.  It's great when we allow the local authorities to think they are still in charge without jeopardizing our own goals!

"Edgar"

Many of you have pointed out that "Edgar" says he is in the next round of evaluations, and are wondering when we will announce the full list of finalists.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to provide the full list now:

• "Edgar"
• Henrietta Washburn
• Crktdwk
• Eliza

Look for more details in the coming days.

As for the incident last week in Yakima we have determined the failings in our intelligence apparatus that permitted this problem and we have taken corrective action.

Horrible news!

It is our sad duty to announce to you that the new "Gertrude" has successfully pulled off a dastardly and heinous act, completely flattening a local GPD office in Yakima, WA using a press usually used for making brads.  The details of the attack are still sketchy, but we do know that two of our volunteers were crushed in the attack, and that several more received injuries that sent them to the local hospitals.  What worries us most is that we thought we had been watching the New Company's operatives closely enough that they wouldn't have been able to pull off such a vicious attack.  A bit of positive news, however, is that we were able to catch one of the two operatives who perpetrated the attack.  The local police, however, arrived before we had left and we felt obligated to support them by turning him in.  We hope they will charge him and keep him out of society, but we don't think they will, especially now that they are having to deal with legalized marijuana.

A bad idea

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not advocates for living in a self-sustaining way, but when sustaining yourself requires endangering others, we don't get as excited about it as we would otherwise.  We believe that all world citizens deserve the basic inalienable rights.  Actually, we're not sure whether life forms that may potentially come from other planets deserve these same rights or not, but since inalienable just means that they can't be taken away and not that they don't apply to aliens we really don't have to answer that question until we encounter life forms from other planets.  Anyway, we believe that stockpiling of weapons may be a good idea when you are expecting a conflict, but doing so in a reckless manner that endangers your neighbors is probably a bad idea.  We would like to ask all of our supporters to be sure that their stockpiles of dangerous items is properly protected and controlled so that the possibility of innocent deaths is reduced!

A step toward equality

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to absolute equality for everyone, which is why we applaud the efforts of this charity to train dogs in the art of driving cars.  When people realize that dogs can drive cars they will have to accept that they deserve equal rights and stop making them beg for their food and shelter!

How not to appear in court

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to improving your satisfaction in your life, whatever your current condition.  As part of our continuing series of self-help guides, we are presenting today a lesson on how not to appear in court, using the events reported in this article as a guide.

It seems that Mr. Nolan had previously been accused of DWI, or Driving While Intoxicated.  We had suspected that DWI meant something else, like perhaps "dumb while inside" or "drunk with injuries" but our lawyers assure us that it does mean "driving while intoxicated."  The GPD does not claim jurisdiction (yet) over Mr. Nolan's actions, and our lawyers begged us not to make judgments about his guilt or innocence without reviewing the evidence.  As court papers tend to be a little on the boring side, we will just refrain from making judgments.  It is not important, however, whether Mr. Nolan committed the offense of which he had been accused, as he appeared at the hearing acting a bit tipsy and smelling of alcohol.

At this point, it should be obvious to all but the least observant that Mr. Nolan made a mistake.  He should have either not shown up intoxicated or hidden his intoxication a little better, because as he left the court he was followed by suspicious officers, who stopped him nearly as soon as he got in his vehicle and charged him with a DWI.

For the less-observant among our supporters, here is a cheat sheet on how to avoid a DWI conviction:

• If you are intoxicated, don't drive.  It will make it very hard to convict you for a DWI.
• If you are charged with a DWI, regardless of whether you did it, don't show up for a hearing while intoxicated.
• If you do show up for your hearing intoxicated, do not drive home.  Chances are very good that the officers at the courthouse noticed your intoxication and will prevent you from endangering others on the road.  They will not only arrest you, but will have very good evidence for your next hearing.

We hope this has been helpful!

"Edgar" and his accusations

"Edgar" has been alleging that the GNU Public Dictatorship is not so open as we claim to be, and has been using as evidence the fact that we are irritated that he shook up the New Company before we wanted him to do so.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not understanding, which is why we generally forgive such ill-directed zealous actions, and which is why we have not taken offense to "Edgar" and his conduct.  We are, in fact, still considering him for a position on the Board of Dictators, but we do not know whether we will advance him to the next stage or not.  As for his meddling, we will just have to do a better job in the future of predicting his course of action.  This last time, for example, our failure to do so led to a missed opportunity to feed the computer program "Gertrude" information that would keep the New Company busy with internal policy changes, but we will improve.  Just to prove that we are as open as we claim to be, anyone who wants more detailed information is welcome to submit form 7773-IIP (Request for information regarding current events) to their local GPD office.  We guarantee a response within five weeks!

Pacman

The New Company is even more nefarious than we had suspected, but really we had suspected that they were more nefarious than we had suspected, so they are about as nefarious as we suspect.  Regardless of how nefarious they are, we recently discovered that the new CEO of the New Company was apparently involved in creating another Pac-man image on a moon of Saturn.  The moon, Tethys, was modified by "Gertrude" to exhibit the video-game style heat distribution several years ago.  Our operatives discovered his involvement by listening in on interplanetary communications the New Company is sending, apparently at random, into space.  Actually, as his involvement is still only suspected of causing the strange patterns, we should refer to his involvement as alleged involvement, but either way, the taint of the New Company is casting doubt on our hypothesis that Pac-man was an interplanetary traveler as this and the previous incident are now both possibly tainted.  We'll let you know if we find definitive evidence either way, but for the near term we suggest that you refrain from embracing the interplanetary traveler hypothesis, at least in public!

3D models

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to progress, but we do occasionally have to take a stand against "progress" that is in bad taste or in the wrong direction.  Take the trend, for example, where parents buy 3D models of the fetus inside the mother (picture 6).  It may seem innocent and quirky, but imagine where this technology might lead.  While a model of a fetus might be cute, imagine what would happen if we started allowing people to model their internal organs in the same way.  Not only would it be weird, but it would be indecent if people started modeling their organs that are generally considered private.  While it may be tempting to buy a 3D model of your fetus, at the GPD we ask our supporters to consider the long term consequences of such a purchase before supporting the industry.

Poultricide

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to evil in all of its forms, which is why incidents such as this one, in which a pardoned bird mysteriously meets an early demise after being released but before his scheduled execution, frustrate us.  As we have repeatedly affirmed, the GPD believes in the rule of law and order, and when someone is acquitted in a court of law or pardoned by elected officials, we believe that their alleged offenses should be forgotten.  The bird in question, Peace, was spared execution by executive order, and thought that things would then proceed to go smoothly.  Unfortunately, a New Company operative bent on vigilante justice infected the turkey with a virulent disease which necessitated his early death.  We mentioned yesterday about the new "Gertrude's" evil plans, and our operatives have just confirmed that this incident was part of one of them.  His goal, however, is much more ambitious than killing a turkey--he intends to disrupt the world's justice system by endangering the lives of people released from prison (on parole, pardoned, or having served their time) so that they would rather remain in prison for their entire lives, even after they could be integrated into society.  Our operatives tell us that the reason he wants to keep people in prison is that he has ways of spreading his nefarious products "inside" that just don't work in the regular world.  We presume he is trying to strengthen a shadow society in jail and then release them into the regular world when they are ready, but we intend to be ready first!

The New "Gertrude"

The New Company has announced today that it has selected a new "Gertrude" to run their day-to-day operations and that the current "Gertrude" will be rented to people for outsourced FAQs and other such menial tasks.  They never publish the names of their new "Gertrudes," but, according to all of the information at our disposal, we believe that "she" is none other than Jason Iniguez, the former CTO of the New Company who disappeared mysteriously at the same time that Carl, the former "Gertrude," stepped down.  Jason has been closely involved in many of the New Company's most nefarious plots, and, although he has recently been rather quiet, our operatives say that evidence suggests that he has been working on many plans with potentially disastrous consequences, some of which have been in the news recently.  We'll keep you posted on new developments, but we would like to remind you that the New Company is dangerous regardless of who is running it, and that no matter how they try to package them evil office products such as brads, hole punches, and evil stickers are still evil and will, eventually, ruin the lives of all who embrace them.

Grrr

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not frustrated with the results of "Edgar's" recent attacks on the New Company.  They announced internally today that they are choosing a new leader as the computer "Gertrude" has been increasingly unreliable.  While this is good in that the New Company is temporarily in chaos, we worry that pushing the unproductive software out of the way prematurely may actually benefit the New Company's evil goals.

Clarifications

Some of our supporters have been circulating stories about how the applications we received this year aren't as promising because we accepted applications from species other than humans, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed at the bias displayed by this inflammatory statement.  When we made the decision to accept applications from all forms of life we knew that the acceptance rate, which is already very low for humans, would probably be lower for other species, mostly because other species are at a disadvantage when it comes to performing some of the tasks required of the Board of Dictators.  The promising applications rate is lower for non-human supporters than for human applicants, but the rate among human supporters is lower this year than it has been in the past.  If you are one of these supporters that are spreading these stories, please refrain from doing so immediately.  We know who you are, and if you do not cease and desist we will be forced to take action.

Thanksgiving

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sensitive to cultures other than our own, which is why we generally try to avoid forcing our holidays on peoples of other cultural backgrounds who may not celebrate them.  In some cases, however, the holidays have such universal messages that, whether or not people elect to celebrate them, it won't hurt them to consider the message of the holiday.  One such holiday is the traditional holiday of Thanksgiving, which the United States is observing today.  While many mistakenly observe that Thanksgiving is about gluttony and cutthroat competition for amazing deals with total disregard for the humanity of other participants in the ritual, the truth is that Thanksgiving wasn't originally about the cheap electronics available the next morning.  In fact, it was first celebrated before electronics were cheap at all.  As it turns out, the real focus of observing Thanksgiving is not about eating a turkey or buying iPads, but about being grateful for what one has and has been able to accomplish.  At the GPD we ask our supporters to contemplate for a moment what we all have to be grateful for, including but not limited to lower brad sales, a lower incidence of brad-related deaths in children, hole punch trade-in drives, and the recent collapse of the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  When we stop to consider the progress we are making, we will have the energy to see it through all the way to the New Future!

Applications

As we mentioned before, we are processing applications for membership in the Board of Dictators as quickly as we can.  What we can tell you at this point, unfortunately, is that we are not finding as high a percentage of promising applications as we have in the past, but our statisticians have been telling us that this isn't a problem.  In much the same way as unemployment rates can vary because either the size of the labor pool changes or the number of people employed changes, the percentage of promising applications can vary because either the quality of the applications changes or the number of applications.  In this case the number of applications is so elevated that, even though we are not finding a lot of promising applications each day, the overall number of promising applications is projected to be twice what we have received in previous years.

At last (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not supportive of equal rights for all, and by all we mean all forms of life, including vegetables.  It shouldn't surprise any of our supporters that we are starting to have widespread success in this endeavor, as less than half of our applicants for membership in the Board of Dictators this year came from human applicants.  It is a testament to our commitment to diversity that we consider their applications, and although many of them are not equipped properly to participate in the Board of Dictators we are reviewing each candidate to determine whether we would benefit by including him or her or whatever.  It is no small pleasure, then, when we find other like-minded individuals championing the less-popular of endangered species as in this article.  While many self-absorbed individuals will continue to discriminate, we believe that the majority of world citizens are now recognizing the valuable contributions that a pangolin can make to our society.  At the same time, however, we object to the headline asking whether these creatures are "too ugly" to be saved, but we understand that to get people to read articles you usually have to use salacious titles.

Twiddling or not...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not working overtime to try to get through all of your applications for membership in the Board of Dictators, and one thing we have been nothing if not grateful for is that, other than the recent denial of service attacks the New Company hasn't been able to mount much of an attack on anything.  We noticed that over the weekend our old friend "Edgar" has been claiming that he is responsible for the decreased activity.  Our operatives tell us that since they created the computer program they call "Gertrude" that their productivity has decreased anyway, and we fear that "Edgar" has meddled with things to cause them to be even less efficient.  While "Edgar" may claim he is doing the world a service, we hope he doesn't make "Gertrude" so inefficient that they give up on her and return power to more competent human hands.  While it is much too early to make any official announcements, we can say that in our prior meetings on the topic we did discuss the fact that if "Edgar" were a member of the Board of Dictators he wouldn't be able to run these sorts of operations without clearing them with the rest of the Board.  But then again he would try to push his own agenda, causing us to have more meetings... we'll have to wait and see how the applications process plays out.

Meat eaters

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence in propaganda, which is why we appreciate New Healthway, a textbook aimed at teaching hygiene and health to 11- and 12-year-old Indian children.  The textbook was written by a group that believes it is immoral to eat meat, and while the GPD has no policy about the consumption of animal matter we do have a policy to defend the right of world citizens to choose their own diet.  Unless, of course, that diet includes hallucinogenic substances transported on the surface of brads.

Anyway, the real genius of the textbook was the way it uses the techniques of propaganda to make a statement that would be regarded by most rational world citizens as true but uninteresting sound bizarre, unhealthy, and abnormal.  Specifically, the textbook states that meat eaters lie, cheat, steal, and commit sex crimes.  This statement is true, as many criminals do eat meat, and many people who eat meat engage in these other immoral behaviors.  The genius behind this book, though, is the way it refrains from making similar statements about non-meat-eaters, which would also be true.  By specifically not mentioning that vegetarians have also been known to commit these same crimes they turn the simple statement of an uninteresting fact into a way to manipulate people into doing what they want.  It's almost as if the authors had taken Propaganda 314 and 465 at the GNU Public University, but we can't find any record of that having happened.  Of course it is always possible that they took a pirated copy of the course, although they wouldn't have been able to receive their degrees without reporting the course back to the working group that controls the GPU.

This book would have been an awesome propaganda tool for those who wrote it, but unfortunately they attempted to use the racist argument by stating among other things that the Inuit people are lazy because they eat mostly meat.  The racist argument is one that should be avoided unless all other attempts at propaganda have failed as, if it doesn't succeed, most people simply dismiss you as foolish or racist after you make the argument unsuccessfully.

Incidentally, the GPU is opening a new program for those interested in become better propagandists.  The degree is a Master's degree in the art of "Persuasion" and is available to all qualified applicants.  Inquire at your local GPD office!

More crime

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the amount of crime we find to report to you, but we feel it is our duty to report it so that (1) you will be well-informed world citizens and will let us protect you from criminals and (2) the criminals will fear being exposed in this forum and will not commit crimes so easily.  At this time we would like to mention the case of a 9-year-old Ukranian criminal genius who took money from his father, laundered it, and purchased a controlling share in the local candy market.  While we applaud his initiative, we must recommend against following his example, as when he was found out his ill-gotten gains (at least the ones that weren't already consumed) were confiscated.  On a separate note we would like to point out that the GPD has advised on multiple occasions against the use of banks such as the couch used here, where any person without proof of identity can make large withdrawals.  It's your money, but if you want it to keep being your money you may want to follow our advice!

Appropriate punishment

Some crimes are so heinous that they must be punished immediately and severely.  Other crimes are horrible, but show such a complete lack of common sense that they deserve a punishment designed to humiliate the offender and shame him or her into complying with the rules in the future.  Such a case was Shena Hardin's decision to repeatedly avoid stopping for a school bus by driving on the sidewalk around the stopped cars.  We applaud the decision of the judge to make her wear a sign stating that "Only an idiot would drive on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus" as we believe that it may discourage her and other from endangering children in such a selfish and misguided attempt to save a few seconds on a commute.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not displeased with such selfish acts!

Inhumane treatment

With the recent complaints Anders Breivik has been making about the inhumane conditions in the Norwegian prison in which he is being held, we thought it would be a good time to discuss what we, the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators, believe about what makes something inhumane, especially in light of our recent efforts to recognize the contributions of all forms of life to the New Future and make conditions better for everyone.  Mr. Breivik has made it clear in previous statements that he is not a believer in equal rights for all humans, let alone for all living things.  He has made it clear that his brutal murders were motivated by a desire to keep his homeland from becoming impure and being ruined, and has justified his horrible crimes by claiming that he wanted to make things better for all, or at least for all that he considers worthy to inhabit his country.  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to making things better for all, except for those who are dedicated to the enslavement of the human race to evil office products and the destruction of the New Future.  By our definition, to be inhumane a prison would have to be bad enough that we wouldn't wish it on our enemies.  The prison that Mr. Breivik is living in, however, is one where many of the poorest people in the world would love to spend a holiday weekend, which, by our count, makes it not inhumane.  If Mr. Breivik wants to experience a real inhumane prison we have a few sections of the GNU Public Dungeon that have been closed because they were too horrible, and we could put him up in one of them for a while if he is interested.

Sorry

We're sorry for the inconvenience this caused any of you who reported your Sleep Number in the old-style numbers (32-212), but we assumed that any responsible world citizen would have reported it using the standard 0-100 as it is clearly more efficient and less arcane.  The old scale hasn't been in widespread use since 1923, but it has been used in certain circles (apparently including the Parent Corporation) much more recently.  A review showed that it was likely that 13 applicants, including "Edgar," used the wrong scale.  11 of those were shown to be from the New Company, and the remaining one came from a 93-year-old social media executive who hadn't realized the scale had changed.  We have attempted to correct the situation, but we apologize for any mental anguish this may have caused you.

An attack!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry for the inconvenience you may have experienced as a result of the recent denial of service attacks at our GPD offices.  The perpetrators have been identified as operatives of the New Company, but we believe that they enlisted the help of many young people who were trying to be part of a large flash mob.  There was no permanent damage to our infrastructure, but GPD employees and many people seeking services at their local GPD offices were delayed for several hours while we mopped up after the operation.  Unfortunately the organizers of the event neglected to show up, so we don't have them in custody yet, but we will...

Elections, term limits, and local optimizations

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for the future, which is why we take a great deal of time planning for the New Future and deciding how and when to inaugurate it.  Recent elections in the US and other countries have highlighted some of the shortcomings of other forms of government, and we will take this space to elaborate.

The GPD advocates for government by a Board of Dictators who have the best interests of society at heart.  We provide checks and balances to each other and our collective minds have proven adequate for every task we have been presented with as yet.  We know that you know that we have your interests at heart and that you trust us to do what is right, and due to the open nature of our government we know that you will find out and complain if we ever deviate from your high expectations.  We have the correct motivations and the correct checks and balances in place to have you trust us to rule the world.  New members of the Board of Dictators must be vetted by the current members of the Board, which means that our government can exist in perpetuity and is the most ideal form possible.

Democracies, by contrast, have elected leaders who are chosen directly by the public.  We have elaborated in the past on different forms of democratic rule, but the differences among these forms are not particularly salient at this point.  These leaders that are chosen by the people are often chosen not because of their intellect or their desires to improve the world, but because they can create television ads that portray them as less undesirable than their opponents.  In general, people are chosen for arbitrary reasons such as that they looked less pale during a televised debate, or that they acted confident during a campaign.  Because the reasons such people are chosen are so arbitrary, the kind of person that is generally attracted to running for office is a strange one.  Most of them are egotistical and arrogant, and many of them simply want the power that elected office affords them.  Many abuse their positions to improve their own financial or romantic situations and many simply enjoy the perks of respect and paid expenses.  These people also cannot be expected to address the real problems society faces as they generally are not elected for life, but have to face their constituents as soon as two years later to ask them to re-elect them.  This bias toward short-term returns prevents most elected officials from tackling any of the real problems, as there are no easy solutions to them that do not take significant amounts of time.

The Board of Dictators is superior to democracies because

1. We are not beholden to arbitrary measures of fitness for office.  Our supporters support us because we are clearly worthy of their respect.  The open-source government model encourages citizens to audit our actions and enables them to know that we are the best choice.  If someone disagrees with the way we are doing things they are welcome to change it and submit it for review.  Every member of the Board of Dictators has been thoroughly checked out and declared fit for office by the other members of the Board, so there is no doubt that they are fit for their office.
2. The GPD does not attract people who want power, money, or fame.  The work of the Board of Dictators is thankless and tiring, and only those truly concerned with making the world a better place tend to apply.
3. The GPD does not require member of the Board of Dictators to continually keep themselves popular.  This allows us to address the real problems society faces regardless of the short-term costs.  We could never have manipulated the financial markets to restructure everything to lay the foundations for the New Future and been reelected the next year, it just wouldn't be possible

Thanks

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to extend our thanks to all who took the time to apply for membership in the Board of Dictators.  You can rest assured that we will examine your applications carefully and that we will consider your qualifications and desires to improve the world.  If the US election yesterday taught us anything it is that while people like the mystery of not knowing what the outcome will be, people also like knowing what the final answer is.  In that vein we will endeavor to complete our reviews as soon as possible, but based on the volume of applications received we expect that it will take at least a few weeks to weed out the less-qualified applicants and get to a short list of likely candidates.  Please do not panic if you have not received a response concerning your application until after December 1.  If you haven't received an answer by December 1 you can panic, but we advise against it.  We recommend that you check with your local GPD county office rather than panic, but we would like to set expectations now:  most of you will not make the final short list.  Historically the acceptance rate has been well below 1%, and we have no reason to believe that this year will be any different.

A matter of principle

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to doing the right thing, regardless of what it takes, and we believe that, in the long run, doing the right thing is always better than doing the easy thing.  It is this dedication to doing the right thing that has led us to our current situation, in which our former nemesis is, apparently sincerely, applying to become a member of the Board of Dictators.  If he were still our nemesis this decision would have been extremely easy, but as he has married one of our best operatives and is now dedicating his life to the eradication of evil office products and the purveyors of said products (and to the acquisition of power and influence over his fellow world citizens, but that's not the point here) the decision has proven extremely difficult.  We have held several emergency meetings of the Board of Dictators to decide how to proceed in this matter, and we have concluded that we will accept "Edgar's" application and process it according to our standard procedures.  This does mean that, if he is found to be right for the position, that we will join forces with our former nemesis to stamp out his former cohorts.  In an effort to be fair to him we have informed him of this decision and that he failed to include a valid sleep number on his application.  Hopefully he will provide this critical information before our deadline of tonight.  For those who have not applied yet, consider this your gentle reminder that you only have a few hours left to do so!  Application materials can be found here.

An interesting choice

Some of our supporters who have been following "Edgar" have been asking whether he was serious when he said he was applying for membership in the Board of Dictators.  He was.  We received his application over the weekend and have been processing it.  We're not sure whether to accept him as sincere or not, but we'll have some long board meetings to discuss it.  If you feel strongly about it either way let us know!

Double lives = double support!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to announce that due to our recent promotion of bizarre hobbies we have more than doubled our supporters.  It seems that nearly all of our supporters have a hobby that could be construed as having a bizarre double life, and some of our supporters have two or even three such hobbies.  We are very pleased that our current supporter base was so easily increased, and would like to thank you all for engaging in hobbies.

Parents vs. Elected Officials

Next in our series exploring what's wrong with the status quo is a look at elected officials and parents.  One might assume that parents and political leaders have a great deal in common, but one might be wrong.  Parents and elected officials have very little in common, beyond the superficial similarities of their duties.

A parent is someone who is tasked with governing a family.  Parents choose the number and genetic makeup of their constituents, and in return for providing safety tend to expect absolute loyalty.  Some parents even expect their constituents to perform illegal acts to protect them or further their interests.  If parents' constituents rise up in rebellion against the tyranny of their parents, they are generally incarcerated in their room or their travel privileges rescinded.  Society tolerates this tyranny as parents are assumed to have superior knowledge and experience, and they are assumed to have the interests of their constituents at heart.  If they don't, society generally takes their constituents away and integrates them into other groups.

An elected official is generally tasked with the proper governance of a group of people.  The elected officials choose who they want to be their constituents, but they rely on their constituents to choose them back.  This is the first major difference between parents and elected officials.  In order to be elected, the official must endear himself or herself to the constituents by making empty promises or convincing them that things will be better for them.  Constituents are not expected to be loyal, and if the elected official does something unpopular, the constituents will likely have him or her removed from office.  Elected officials are assumed to have the interests of constituents at heart, but generally they have their own interests at heart and really only have the interests of the constituents in what they say and do publicly.  

The primary difference between these two groups is that parents can and do change their constituents for the better, while elected officials usually have little effect on their constituents' lives.  If society wants to improve, they will need leaders who are more like parents than elected officials.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not accommodating, which is why we are offering to act like parents to world citizens and not elected officials!

The Nobel Peace Prize

Many of our supporters were very disappointed when they heard that the Norwegian Nobel Committee chose the European Union over the GNU Public Dictatorship for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.  After all, what has the European Union done to stop the blight of addictive and evil office products that has been forced upon the world by the uncaring and vindictive New Company?  What have they done to keep gas prices down or up, depending on our current needs?  What have they done to destroy our current financial system so we can replace it with a new, more glorious one?  Okay, so maybe they have contributed to the market collapse we have been seeing of late, and maybe they have tried to keep European countries from waging war against each other, and maybe they have promoted human rights, but we have been doing much more for world citizens.  We have tried to suppress violence all around the world, not just in Europe.  We have promoted equal rights for all, not just for humans.  We have destroyed the Company and the evil Parent Corporation, and rendered the Brad Guys and Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch irrelevant to the daily lives of most world citizens, and we are engaged in an epic struggle to defeat the evil New Company.  In this fight, however, we have not used any conventional weapons and no collateral damage has been sustained due to our interference.  If anyone deserves the peace prize, it is us.  We have been expecting it for several years now, but we are willing to wait.  What angers us is what we just found out: the committee had been considering us, but thanks to the intervention of several operatives of the New Company (and one from "Edgar") they did not put us on the official ballot.  We generally don't send our operatives to meetings of the Nobel Committee, but perhaps we should in the future!

Electric Underwear and You

Many of our readers have been following the developments in the UK's NHS experiment with electric underwear, and have been asking us many questions.  While we did not develop the electric underwear the NHS is using, we have worked with other laboratories to create electric underwear in the past, so we have some expertise there.  We hope this post will be informative and help you understand how electric underwear will affect you in the New Future.

Q.  Who will use electric underwear?
A.  The NHS is using electric underwear to prevent bedsores, which can be painful and dangerous for patients stuck in bed.  Our experiments in electric underwear were related, but focused more on operatives stuck in uncomfortable surveillance positions with no room to move while on duty for days at a time.
Q.  Will the GNU Public Dictatorship encourage or require others to use electric underwear?
A.  Not unless they express an interest in trying it out or if they are deemed to be at risk for bedsores later in life.
Q.  Does using electric underwear before you are bedridden make a difference?
A.  Of course it does.  It zaps you.
Q.  Who will decide who gets electric underwear?
A.  In most cases it will be between the physician and patient or between the operative and his or her superiors, but in some cases the Board of Dictators may be called in to decide whether someone should use them.
Q.  Are they fun to wear?
A.  None of our test subjects elected to keep wearing them after the need for them was gone, so we don't think so.
Q.  Where can I get some?
A.  Contact your local GPD office.

Esperanto

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we accept help from wherever we can get it, even if the help isn't completely aligned with our interests.  We have in the past received much help from the Allies, and now from "Edgar."  It seems that he and "Natasha" were able to introduce a computer virus to "Gertrude" that made her release instructions only in Esperanto.  The number of native Esperanto speakers is approximately a thousand, but we think that the chances of these Esperanto-speaking world citizens being willing to help the New Company is extremely low.  There are more fluent speakers (estimates range up to about 2 million) and there are online translation tools, so we don't think the New Company is hurting too much, but if we can keep them from pursuing their real agenda by making them waste resources on translation from Esperanto we are making progress.  Perhaps we'll have to expand our operation-sharing with "Edgar" in the future!

Flying Zombie Chickens: A New Threat

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping you safe, which is why, when we hear of incidents such as this one, we don't just brush it off as an odd occurrence.  In this incident, part of an uncooked chicken fell from the sky and hit Cassie Bernard on the head while she was riding a horse in the US state of Virginia.  She was wearing a helmet and was uninjured, but immediately different agencies began blaming each other for the incident.  The "normal" law enforcement officers seem to be focusing on a chicken processing plant in the area, but we have had our operatives investigating the case and have found some disturbing information.

The New Company, led by the evil software that is "Gertrude," has been studying the feasibility of zombie chickens for some time, and while we have seen evidence of failed attempts, we have never been close enough to one of their labs while it was operating to see "live" zombie chickens.  "Enrico" recently recovered the files on this experiment, however, and according to their records they have been able to create zombie chickens that live up to an hour before falling apart and resuming their dead state.  The file also suggested future directions in zombie chicken research, including the apparent cause of the incident described in this post: flying zombie chickens.  There were several possible lines of research indicated in the files we recovered, and we're not yet sure which of them apparently led to a short-lived flying zombie chicken, but we do believe the New Company has achieved some success in this area.

We're not sure what the New Company wants to accomplish with its Flying Zombie Chicken army, but we believe the danger to be real.  We ask all of our supporters worldwide to keep their eyes open (and their helmets on) and report any flying zombie chickens to their local GPD County offices!

An Installment Plan

Many of you have asked whether the GNU Public Dictatorship will allow its debtors to repay their debts in installments as many of the principal amounts on the loans are rising rapidly.  Some of you are now asking who our debtors are, and some are wondering where we got our money.  We'll answer the questions in reverse order:

• We got our money the same way other governments got their money: by pretending we have something of value.
• Our debtors are many.  Most of them are banks, energy firms, and non-governmental organizations around the world.  We haven't given them loans so that they will be indebted to us and will have to support us as we usher in the New Future, but that is a nice perk.  We gave them loans so that they would be able to remain influential in the world.
• Yes, the GPD will allow payments in installments for debts over 11 quadrillion Euros, with terms from a few million millennia and up.  Even a low payment of 100,000 Euros/month would only take 10 billion years (assuming that we waive the interest) to pay back!

Some of you are now asking why the GPD is using Euros, and whether we are responsible for the phone bill Solenne San Jose received recently.  Some of you are also asking whether we own Bouygues Telecom.  Again, in reverse order:

• No, we don't own Bouygues Telecom, but if you have any friends who work for them, let us know.  We would be interested in buying it.
• As to whether we are responsible for the phone bill, the answer is complicated.  Solenne did incur the bill herself, but we were responsible for some interesting behavior on the billing computers.  As we have operatives who work with the billing and customer service centers we were able to buy the debt from Bouygues Telecom, and now she is our debtor.
• The GPD doesn't use Euros for all transactions, but it is the currency in France, so we used it in this case.  The GPD's own currency, the dictator unit, has not caught on in many of the world's currency markets as of yet.

We hope this has been informative and useful, and that we have answered your questions!

Dangerous foods and you

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for food, and although most food is good for your body and will enable you to pursue your dreams without fear of exhaustion and emaciation, we are saddened that some foods carry with them great peril.

Many of you wrote in when this incident occurred to ask whether the GPD would change its policy on liquid nitrogen in drinks.  To them we responded that the GPD has always deprecated liquid nitrogen in drinks, to which we got many responses asking what "deprecate" means.  To this response we provided this link.  We are somewhat disappointed that our supporters didn't understand our policy on dangerous foods, but we admit that choosing words such as "deprecate" instead of simpler words like "disapprove of" or "strongly discourage" contributed to the confusion, and we vow to be more careful of advanced vocabulary in the future.  We have always discouraged the handling of products such as liquid nitrogen that could cause serious harm without proper precautions.

Anyway, when some of you wrote in regarding this incident and asked whether the GPD would change its policies on eating live cockroaches,  we realized we had a real problem.  The GPD is very concerned about the welfare of all of our supporters and would never condone the eating of a live supporter by another live supporter.  Once supporters are dead, however, the GPD policy is to let each supporter make his or her own decision.  Many of you submitted "excerpts" from our policy, but when we looked through our policy we couldn't find them.  It seems that some unscrupulous individual (most likely from the New Company, but as we haven't had time to confirm it beyond a shadow of a doubt, we'll just say "some individual") has been circulating inflammatory "excerpts" from our policies in the hopes that you will become angry.  The lack of violent protests shows, however, that our enemies have underestimated us once again.  We would like to thank all of our supporters for not creating a situation, and, for those that will be in the western United States this week, would like to invite you to a party at GNU Public Dungeon D-442.  Contact your local GPD office for more details.

While we are pleased that these incidents have not resulted in violent protests, we would like to remind supporters that the GPD policies on just about any subject are available at your local GPD office, and that we expect you to check your facts before protesting about them, even if it is by e-mail!

A bizarre double life

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not above petty disputes and local politics, but there are times when we feel the need to talk about them, usually, as is the case now, to point out how bizarre and petty they become.  In the US state of Maine, the incumbent State Senator Tom Martin has adopted an interesting strategy to defeat his challenger, Colleen Lachowicz: make fun of her hobbies.  We have posted about the dangerous zero-sum nature of politics before, but this race takes it to a new level.  Rather than attacking Ms. Lachowicz's policies or principles, Mr. Martin has decided to attack her hobbies.  Ms. Lachowicz apparently likes to play the hugely popular on-line video game World of Warcraft, and Mr. Martin has decided that engaging in such a hobby amounts to a "bizarre double life."  We would like to make it clear that we do not support Mr. Martin or Ms. Lachowicz, and as we do not have diplomatic relations with the state of Maine we do not really have an interest in influencing the outcome of the race, but we do find it amusing that the race has degenerated into a question of whether engaging in a hobby that she shares with 12 million other world citizens (that's one in about five hundred world citizens) equals living a bizarre double life.  We wonder whether other common hobbies (such as watching certain television shows) might also be considered living a bizarre double life?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we like the idea of doubling our support without actually doing anything, so if you do have a hobby that could be construed as leading a bizarre double life please let us know, so we can count you double on our list of supporters.  Oh, and if you engage in two hobbies that equal leading a bizarre double life, then we can count you as four supporters (even if three of them are bizarre)!

The state of the New Company

Many of our readers have been asking what is the current state of the New Company, its leadership, and its plans for world domination.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to give an update, even if some of it has been publicly available at our local GPD offices for several weeks.  The New Company has been very secretive about its goals, but we do know quite a bit about them, thanks to operatives such as "Enrico" who have risked their lives to stop their nefarious purposes.  The most salient things we know about the New Company are the following:

Leadership of the New Company

• "Gertrude" is a title, much like the Dread Pirate Roberts, that is used to create some sort of consistency when the real leaders of the New Company retire or meet an untimely demise because they were using themselves as guinea pigs in dangerous experiments.
• There have been at least four leaders of the New Company since they split from the Parent Corporation:
• Rex Farnsworth.  As near as we can tell, he was the initial CEO of the New Company and was killed when his brad-powered rocket car exploded when the brakes were applied.
• Fernando Escobal.  He took over from Rex and retired soon after meeting his revenue goals and being awarded the lifetime achievement award by the American Academy of Office Products.  He now lives in a compound in Barbados surrounded by servants, most of whom are women.  One servant who escaped told us of the barbaric treatment he received at the estate, but that's a story for another day.  It was Fernando who first hired the proxy who pretended to be "Gertrude" until she became too much of a liability.
• The name of the third CEO is still unknown.  He did not last long as CEO as he used himself as a guinea pig in the insidious greban plot and ceased to have higher brain functions.
• The fourth CEO was named Carl, but we haven't found a reliable record of his last name.  He used the last names Robinson, Ivanov, Escovedo, and McNalley, but none of those names seem to be real.  He led the New Company through some of their most secretive times, and it was he who created the computer program that now serves as CEO.  He went to his underground laboratory and locked the door, and as far as we can tell has not emerged.  He may or may not be alive.
• The current leadership of the New Company is a council of executives who rely heavily on the computer program they call "Gertrude" to help them set their goals and track their progress on world domination.  We obtained a portion of the source code of this program, and we fear that it is rewriting its own code.  We don't know where it will end up, but, for now, it isn't plugged into anything directly.  That is, it gives instructions to the council, it doesn't carry them out.

Goals of the New Company

• The New Company is bent on making evil office products more available than ever and on increasing profits.  In order to achieve this goal, they are willing to sacrifice many of their own operatives and work on extremely risky projects.  We have been unable to confirm many of their activities as of late, but with some of the knowledge we have recently gained we should be able to identify their influence more accurately.  If you have a question about a specific event or situation, contact your local GPD office.
• They are intent on destroying the world's economy in order to build a new one based on brads.
• They hope to stifle dissent by using their horrible creations on mankind and on other species.  The Greban experiment was their most widely seen attempt to punish nonconformists, but it is not their only attempt.

Links to other organizations

• As far as we have been able to discover, the New Company has severed all ties with the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and the Parent Corporation.  The Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has approached them and asked to partner with them, and it seems that the RBHP is being tolerated but not promoted.
• "Edgar" is not aligned with the New Company, and the New Company has issued a statement indicating that anyone who eliminates "Edgar" will be rewarded by receiving one voucher that can be redeemed to avoid an experiment that they find objectionable.  There was some doubt as to "Edgar's" relationship with the New Company, but both he and the New Company have gone to great lengths to demonstrate that they are not aligned.
• The New Company has declared that the GPD is their primary competitor for world domination, and they have launched many campaigns targeting us and our supporters.  Our operatives have kept us safe for the most part.

We hope this has been helpful and that you will submit any further questions to your local GPD office.  Rest assured that we are working on ways to thwart the New Company's evil plans, and that we have already thwarted them many times!

Attentiveness

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your well-being, which is why, in the wake of this horrifying incident in which Maria Pestrikoff fell from a cliff in damp conditions while simultaneously walking, texting, and smoking, we are asking all of our supporters to increase their attentiveness by following a few suggestions.  These suggestions, for the curious, have been duly vetted by the Board of Dictators and all of our scientists and behavioral analysts, so you can implement them without fear of being wrong or putting yourself in danger:

• If you live in a location with steep inclines or cliffs, refrain from walking near the edges thereof.
• If you need to or wish to regularly walk near the edge of the cliff, build some sort of barrier that will decrease the likelihood of falling over the edge.
• If you need to or wish to regularly walk near the edge of the cliff, please remain attentive to your surroundings.  Even small distractions can endanger you.
• If you feel the need to disregard the previous suggestions, please focus on one activity at a time.  The human brain does not multitask well, and simple distractions such as texting or smoking can easily make the task of keeping your footing on a treacherous and wet area that much harder.  If Maria had just been walking or just smoking or just texting she would not likely have fallen down the cliff.

We are pleased that Maria lived through her ordeal, and we hope that our supporters can learn from her ordeal to be more attentive to their surroundings!

Threats and attacks

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the progress we are making in keeping the incidence of brad- and hole-punch-related attacks and threats lower than historical averages.  We are not pleased, however, when we see the statistics of some other attacks increasing.  It seems, according to our analysts, that people choosing not to attack their friends or family with brads and hole punches are instead turning to other, more bizarre methods of attack.

The incidence of stick figure attacks, for instance, has never been high enough for law enforcement to take notice, but this year the number of incidents has quadrupled.  While a single year is not enough to be considered a trend, and since the volume of these attacks and threats has been low, the statistical significance of this increase could be debated, but we aren't taking any chances.  Our operatives are being told to be on the lookout for stick figure threats, and we hope we'll be able to keep them from growing any more this year.

Another lesser-known attack is the sandwich attack.  It has been used off and on for decades, but this year the statistics show a bit of a jump.  We don't know yet whether the assailant in this case used a sandwich carefully constructed for the attack, or whether he found himself without a weapon and decided his sandwich would suffice.  The assailant has been extremely uncooperative and demanded roast beef and provolone to make more sandwiches, and we have not been able to find a reliable witness to the events other than the assailant and his wife, the woman he attacked.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to remind our supporters that the only kinds of threats and attacks that we approve of are the ones made against our enemies and against purveyors of evil office products.  We would also like to remind you that you alone do not decide who our enemies are.  If you have a question about a specific individual or organization, please submit it to your local GPD office and we will be glad to inform you whether it is okay to make threats against or attack the person or organization you are considering attacking.

Humans and Non-humans

As we can tell from recent news reports, the relationship between humans and other species is on the mend. Even the fish (who have historically resisted strong ties with humans) are starting to help, as is made clear by this case, where a trout returned a severed finger to its rightful owner.  We commend the trout for his sacrifice, and note that, while Haans Galassi, the human who lost the finger, did not accept the gift, the trout has done his fellow trout a great honor.

All is not bright and sunny, however, as there are still some incidents of violence and some bad feelings.  It appears that some non-humans, angered by their being defined as not being human, have started to form pockets of armed resistance, being armed to the teeth.  In Oregon, a group of hogs decided to rise up and overthrow their farmer, and, as is typical when rage is the primary motivation, they went too far and ate him. While we condemn oppression and inequality wherever it may be, we do not ever condone violence as a solution to such oppression.  Violence breeds more violence, increasing the tensions and inflaming passions on both sides.  The pigs set out to improve their situation, but after they ate their farmer they had nobody with the expertise to run the farm.  It is very reminiscent of a mutiny on a ship where the crew kill the officers and leave themselves drifting on the ocean with insufficient knowledge of navigation or handling of the ship to reach any destination.  This particular tragedy has ended, but we ask all of our supporters to take care not to respond with violence, even when violence is used against them.

The Board of Dictators has been discussing the topic of what to call our supporters that are not human for some time, as we recognize that non-human defines them in an offensive way.  We have not, as yet, found a term that works better, but if you have a suggestion please submit it to your local GPD office at your earliest convenience.  In the meantime, we recommend that you use the species' name when referring to supporters instead of the blanket title "non-human" wherever it makes sense.

Embarrassment: Just another perk of being an operative

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proud of our supporters' efforts to make the world a safer place, and we are nothing if not grateful for the sacrifices made.  While the type of sacrifice itself varies widely, from comfort to life itself, the fact that our supporters feel strongly enough about the New Future to endanger themselves or their reputations is quite encouraging, and lets us know that we are obviously on the right track.

Take this incident, for example.  One of our operatives, who shall here remain nameless, got his head stuck in a trash bin in Aberdeen, and had to be freed by local emergency services.  The man's shame became a public spectacle around the world as news outlets everywhere picked up the story and mocked him for his embarrassing situation.  We were able to keep the details of the situation out of most major news outlets, but now that he is no longer in any danger we are ready to talk about them.

Our operative had been following a rogue cell of Brad Guys for several years, and had been getting very close to dismantling it.  In fact, he had them scared so much that they dropped their stash of brads and brad paraphernalia in the trash bin at the train station in Aberdeen, intending to retrieve it later.  Sensing a chance to crush the cell, our operative, without thinking about the risks to himself, went into the bin to retrieve the stash.  He was successful--the Brad Guys no longer operate in Aberdeen, but at the cost of becoming a laughing stock for the whole world.  We would like to thank him for his selfless sacrifice and remind our supporters and applicants for membership in the Board of Dictators that embarrassment is just one of the risks you accept when you decide to sacrifice yourself for the New Future!

"Edgar" and the New Company

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the New Future, which is why we struggle so much to improve the world in preparation for the Great Day when we declare that we are fully in charge of the world and finally eliminate our opponents by force.  We keep close tabs on our enemies and try our best to thwart their plans, which is why we have our operatives embedded in so many places around the world.  We also work with existing governments and financial institutions to destabilize them so that we can replace them with better versions.  While this kind of work is never glamorous, it is necessary, and our ability to undertake it is increasing all the time.

Interestingly, our former nemesis "Edgar" does not seem to be paying attention to developments at the New Company.  He seems to be completely focused on his own organization.  We have been poring over our intelligence reports for some time now and have come to the conclusion that there are a few possibilities here:

1. "Edgar" already knew about the New Company.  If this is the case, however, we are surprised that in his crusade against evil office products he wouldn't have disclosed all that he knew about them.  Perhaps he and "Natasha" were working on some scheme that will no longer be possible.  Regardless of the reasons, we find it odd that "Edgar" would pass up an opportunity to hurt his enemies.
2. "Edgar" has so few resources at his disposal that he cannot focus on his enemies just yet.  Perhaps this is the most likely situation, but we'll see as his churro sales pick up and his campaign volunteers add to his ability to carry out operations.  His last post did seem to have some threats of increased operations.
3. "Edgar" is really in league with the New Company.  We don't think this one is likely, mostly because there has been no communication between the Parent Corporation and the New Company for some time, and since "Edgar" resigned from the Parent Corporation we have not intercepted any communication to either the Parent Corporation or the New Company from "Edgar."

At this point we believe that "Edgar" is harmless, but we are keeping a close eye on him.  If his loyalties seem to switch or if he starts undertaking missions that hurt our supporters or other world citizens not aligned with the purveyors of evil office products rest assured that we will take appropriate action.

The Allies

Our recent announcement that "Gertrude" was nothing more than a piece of software has caused a severe tightening of security at the New Company, and, unfortunately, one of the operatives of the Allies has been discovered.  He was going by the name "Enrico" at the New Company, and had penetrated to the highest circles of management after being hired while "Viktor" was busy with the human/non-human conflict the Allies had caused for us.  He escaped with his life, but our most senior source of information about the secretive New Company is no longer available.  While we are saddened by the loss of this information, we are excited that we can finally explain what the Allies told us last July.

The Allies had been working for many months to infiltrate the New Company, and had positioned some operatives in key positions.  These operatives are still in place but should be nearly impossible to detect, even with "Enrico" having been compromised.  These operatives had discovered that the position that was being opened and that "Enrico" succeeded in obtaining was really nothing more than a trap for our chief operative "Viktor," and that, much like Prince John tried to lure Robin Hood to his archery tournament, they were trying to get him in a compromising situation where they could kill him (after torturing him).  The Allies responded by trying to keep "Viktor" busy with other missions, but when, due to his unusual efficiency, they were unable to keep him busy, they had to resort to pitting the human and non-human supporters of the GPD against each other and putting "Enrico" up for the position before "Viktor" could interview.  When the New Company saw how efficient "Enrico" was they thought he was "Viktor" (in disguise, of course) and hired him, making it impossible for the real "Viktor" to get hired.  We then made it clear that "Viktor" had not interviewed for the position, but because "Enrico" was so efficient they kept him on staff and suspected nothing.  Now that he has been compromised the Allies have reassigned "Enrico" and we believe that everything will work out for him.

We couldn't explain why the Allies had not really betrayed us until now, and we had to keep up the appearance of intense irritation with them, but we are nothing if not pleased to be finally free to treat them as what they are, our Allies!

Disappointing

Our recent revelation of "Gertrude" as a non-person has not had quite the effect we had hoped on the New Company.  In fact, the leaders of the New Company have pacified most of their employees by telling them that it was necessary and that they would have a full explanation soon.  It's disappointing that people are so willing to believe what they want to believe that they will accept such a flimsy explanation from an entity that is so obviously evil.  Maybe it had more to do with the threats issued by the New Company in a press release following their previous statement that those who are disloyal to the New Company will be destroyed.  Perhaps we underestimated the allure of evil, or perhaps we underestimated the amount of control the New Company has over its employees.

Progress!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proud of our operatives, especially when they successfully complete a mission and we are finally at liberty to discuss their accomplishments openly.  We wish this was one of those times, but you will have to be satisfied with our telling you that they have recently completed one of the most dangerous missions we have ever undertaken, and that the New Company is scrambling to react.  While we can't talk about the details of how we got this information, we will share some of the information that is causing them to panic.

For some time now we have had our suspicions that "Gertrude" is not what she claims to be, especially since we discovered that the woman we thought was "Gertrude" was just a proxy to confuse us and was discarded when she became too much of a liability.  Recently we discovered that "Gertrude" is not a person at all, but a title reserved for those who undertake to lead the New Company.  They thought it would be funny for an organization as misogynistic as they are to give their leaders a title that sounded like a woman's name, and they thought it would keep us busy for a while.  They were right, in that it kept us busy, but they were wrong in that it was funny.  Making fun of or discriminating against half of the human race because they are different is not funny, and never has been.  One of the biggest dangers in casual use of evil office products is that these messages of hate and discrimination are often subtly introduced to us, and studies have shown that when these ideas are inculcated into us that we often start discriminating against women or accepting such discrimination as harmless.

Anyway, back to the main point of this post.  Our operatives recently discovered that not only is "Gertrude" not a name but a title but also that, at least since the beginning of this year, there is not even a person who bears the title.  "She" has been, for the last 8 months, a computer algorithm running on a server in "Gertrude's" office.  The secret has been known by many of the senior management at the New Company, which is why our revelation of this fact is causing so much confusion among the line managers and the individual contributors.  Many of them have begun to doubt the justice of a cause in which the senior management has to trick them into believing something untrue, and hopefully we can persuade some of them to abandon evil and leave the New Company.  We may even get a few to support us as the GPD has always been open and never asked our supporters to believe in a person who never existed!

The GNU Public Dungeons: A FAQ

Over the last few days our local offices have fielded an unusually large number of questions about something we mentioned in a post a few days ago: the GNU Public Dungeons.  Many expressed concern that they hadn't heard of them before, and a few who style themselves activists apparently believe that they are like the ancient medieval dungeons where people were left to rot without access to the due process of law.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not open, which is why we will attempt to answer the most frequently asked questions about the GNU Public Dungeons here.

Q.  Where are the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  Underground
Q.  Can you be more specific?
A.  We have several locations, please contact your local GPD office for information about the dungeons near your location.
Q.  What are the GNU Public Dungeons used for?
A.  They are primarily rented for wedding receptions and company parties, but there are several locations around the world where we employ the dungeons for more traditional uses.
Q.  How many world citizens are imprisoned in the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  None.  Those who are imprisoned are enemies of the GPD and were either never given world citizen status or had it revoked by the GPD's Board of Dictators.
Q.  Are any non-humans imprisoned there?
A.  There are a few cockroaches and rats imprisoned in some of the store rooms, but they chose to live there and were warned that the doors would be locked before they decided to stay there.
Q.  What are the conditions like in the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  Those who work in the GNU Public Dungeons the work is mostly janitorial, which is why we warned our supporters that insensitive brutes often end up there.
Q.  Are you avoiding answering questions regarding the treatment of prisoners in the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  Of course not, those who reside there are properly cared for and are as happy as they can be, considering that they have abdicated their citizenship.  When our scientists perfect interplanetary travel they will be taken to a new planet where they can create a society that meets their needs.
Q.  Are prisoners allowed visitors?
A.  Yes.  Visiting hours are posted at each GNU Public Dungeon location that is used for detention.
Q.  How do I reserve a dungeon for my next big event?
A.  Contact your local GPD county officers for details.  Rentals are generally free, but if more than one event wants a specific dungeon on a specific date the highest bidder generally wins.  We can almost certainly accommodate you in one of our locations on the date of your choosing!

We hope this FAQ has been helpful and that your concerns have been allayed.  We also hope that you will make use of this great resource for your next big events!

"Edgar" has been pacified for now

Many of our supporters have been expressing concern that we aren't doing enough to keep "Edgar" from making good on his threats to destroy the world if we don't unite behind him, but those who keep track of new developments on this front will note that in his blog he posted about a conversation he had with his twin brother, Count Quisling, who works for us.  Besides a slightly disturbing tangent about how he enjoyed imprisoning his twin in the reality simulator, the post shows that the visit did him good.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to family, which is why we have encouraged Count Quisling to do what he wanted to help his brother and we have authorized his use of GPD enforcers to help keep the churro trade clean for "Edgar."  It would be difficult to accuse us of not trying to keep "Edgar" from becoming a problem as we are doing all we can to keep him from causing problems.  After all, we are nothing if not pragmatic!

Appropriate reactions

Most of you know the story of Yang Dacai, who was stripped of his position in the Chinese government for being caught on camera smiling at the scene of a disaster where 36 people died.  We have been discussing this incident and its ethical implications for the last couple of weeks, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not plagued by conflicting emotions on this one.  On one hand, we find it pathetic that this Chinese official was smiling where 36 people died, unless of course it was his doing, in which case it would be normal for him to smile at the successful completion of a dastardly deed, but we think he wasn't involved, which makes it sad that he would be insensitive enough to grin broadly on such a somber occasion.  On the other hand, though, we find it sad that he was dismissed for being an insensitive brute.  At the GPD we know that being an insensitive brute doesn't mean that you can't be an effective administrator, operative, or other cog in the government of a society, it just means you are an insensitive brute.  Consequently, after much consideration, the GPD is updating its official employment contract to state, essentially, that you will not be fired for being an insensitive brute, regardless of the circumstances.  Of course, being an insensitive brute will not probably be good for your career, and if you do it too often you will probably be relegated to working in the GNU Public Dungeons, but we promise we won't dismiss you simply for being one!

Finally, some legitimacy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited that the US courts have finally recognized that Popcorn Lung is a condition for which microwave popcorn manufacturers should be held accountable.  The condition itself is, as yet, irreversible, but we hope our scientists will be able to find a cure soon.  The New Company has been working for months to keep this sort of thing under the radar, but the fact that the US courts (and the jurors) are not cooperating with the New Company is very encouraging.  It appears that the New Company has been thwarted in yet another of its evil aims!

Keep applying

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about the upcoming "election" and, while we have received a record number of applications, we believe there are more of you out there that are dragging your feet and not applying.  If you are one of the procrastinators, please apply, but please refrain from mentioning in your application that you are a procrastinator unless you want your application to be rejected.  After all, we can't have procrastinators as world leaders or we would never get around to solving all of the world's problems!

Ties repaired

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to announce that ties have been repaired between our human and non-human supporters.  There will, of course, always be some individuals who have trouble interacting with others, but for the most part, as this incident in which an eager dog accidentally shot off his owner's hand shows, people and non-people are not ready to blame each other for their misfortune.  Rene was quick to point out that the dog had no fault, and that he should have engaged the safety.  It is good to see that our near schism is nearly healed, no thanks to our "Allies".

Some of you may have been disappointed to discover that this post was about human-non-human ties, and not neckties, but, have no fear!  We are also starting up the GNU Public Tie Repair for those who want their neckties repaired in a timely and open manner.  Inquire at your local GPD office for details!

An update on "Edgar"

All of our intelligence at the moment indicates that our former rival "Edgar" is becoming less genial and cooperative the longer his bid for world domination drags on.  On his blog last weekend he posted a note which shows that he is much more frustrated than he has been, and has even been seriously considering destroying the world rather than ruling it.  Apparently his wife "Natasha" is one of the few things keeping him from making good on this threat.  He also seems to be experiencing more discrimination than we had expected due to his pinkilessness.  We ask our supporters everywhere to help us defuse this situation by eliminating anti-pinkilessness in all of its ugly forms.  While "Edgar" needs to be stopped, we should not let him use his pinkilessness as an excuse for his failure, as if he successfully does so it will be nearly impossible to convince him to give up his ridiculous quest for world domination and join us in our quest for world domination.

His other major complaints stem from not getting enough supporters (which does not surprise us) and from low churro sales (which does surprise us).  We have dispatched our food services operatives to his area and are investigating the depressed churro sales as we suspect there may be something to his bootleg churro theory, but we will let you know when we find anything out!

The difference

Most of you will have already picked up on the main difference between us and our rivals for world control, but some of you may not have, and even those who have picked up on the difference may not have had a chance to ponder it.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to ruling the world, which is why we are asking for your help to get us there.  But don't worry, we're not going to interrupt the regularly scheduled programming every ten minutes or so to babble on about needing your support until you either give in and donate money or give up and change stations, mostly since we never learned the art of babbling on about something without actually saying anything new or useful or insightful.  None of the members of the Board of Dictators took that elective course, and it has since been removed from the available curriculum at the GNU Public University and most other reputable places of higher learning.

Anyway, back to the main point of this post:  The big difference between us and our rivals is that our rivals expect you all to submit to their will either because you have been incapacitated by addictions to evil office products or because, in the case of "Edgar," you have decided that it is easier to let others think for you.  While we do expect you to submit to our will, we believe that you will do so willingly, since our will will truly be the Will of the People.  By submitting to our will you are really only submitting to your will, and it was you who got to choose your will!  What could be better?  We aren't advocating that you stop thinking for yourselves, and we are violently opposed to addictions, and due to our open nature you will never have to wonder what our goals are or why they are important.  The GPD and its Board of Dictators is, after all, the ideal government!

Appropriate responses

At the GNU Public Dictatorship one of the trickiest things we have to deal with is matching punishment of people who challenge our authority with the seriousness of their opposition.  In most cases this is fairly straightforward.  If someone assaults one of our supporters or operatives, we turn them in to the local courts and charge them with assault.  If they make rude gestures at one of our operatives, our operatives are authorized to return the gestures.  Sometimes, however, punishment is not so obvious.  Occasionally something odd happens, like a window being broken by a random projectile.  In most cases the projectile wasn't intended to break the window but was meant for something else entirely, but due to an error in judgment or perhaps circumstances beyond anyone's control the projectile breaks a window.  In most cases most people would simply ask the person who launched the projectile to pay for replacing the window and may give a lecture about proper safety when using projectiles, but not Jeff Fleming.  His approach was radically different.  After a golfer's stray ball broke one of the windows in his home adjacent to a golf course he exited his home with his shotgun and proceeded to launch (smaller) projectiles back at the golfers at a much higher velocity.  The golfers were injured but not seriously, and the local authorities found that Jeff's approach was inappropriate.

At the GPD it is our stated policy that no method of torture or punishment shall be used by officers or representatives of the GPD unless they have been subjected to the same torture.  We would like to formally ask that our supporters also refrain from using methods of punishment that they have not tried on themselves first.  If Mr. Fleming had used this rule he would not be in trouble with the law, as we doubt he has stood on a golf course and had an angry person wielding a shotgun shoot at him, but we may be wrong as we have not been able to reach Mr. Fleming for comment.  More importantly, however, Mr. Fleming should have reflected on whether shooting someone would be an appropriate response to accidental vandalism.  We're not sure whether he had a punishment chart, but it would have helped him choose the appropriate level of response.  Punishment charts are available at all local GPD County offices and can be obtained by special request as well.  We hope you, our loyal supporters, will use all of the tools available to you!

How not to steal a credit card

In this latest installment in our series of posts aimed at helping potential criminals avoid the pitfalls of simple mistakes we will tackle the topic of stealing credit cards, with the help of this incident.  After all, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping people out of jail!

The first question to be answered when you are considering stealing a credit card is whether it is worth your time to steal the card.  This question is best answered by careful consideration of several factors, including: (1) the items you might be able to purchase with the card before the owner realizes it is compromised and cancels it.  (2) the time of day and the proximity to ways to use the card where ID won't be required, and (3) whether there are other sources of funding available to you.  If you have other sources of funding available, it is nearly always better not to steal the credit card.  If it is the middle of the night or you don't have places in mind where you could use the credit card without arousing suspicion, it is nearly always better to not steal the card.  In the case of David Weber, he was considering stealing from a parking garage late at night and he had no other source of funding.  He was close to a bar, but bars are known to ID people on occasion, and the owner of the vehicle was presumably going to discover the theft by the next morning.  In retrospect it is easy to say that he shouldn't have stolen the card, but the fundamental mistake he made wasn't in choosing to steal the card, it was in choosing how to use the card, which is our next topic.

The next question, assuming you decided to steal the credit card, is what to do with it.  While there are a number of options available to you, many of them don't make sense.  Stealing a credit card to use it as a coaster is probably not wise.  Stealing it to order online and have things shipped to your home is probably a bad option as the shipping info would lead right to you.  Using it to purchase items in a store where surveillance cameras would easily be able to identify you might not be so wise either.  The ideal situation in which to use a card is one in which there are no cameras and the person taking payment wouldn't feel obligated to ask for ID.  The larger a potential purchase the more likely the clerk is to ask for ID, so the ideal situation in which to use a stolen credit card is one in which the purchase price is low and the potential for getting caught using the card is low.  If you properly evaluated whether or not to steal a card in the first place, we presume that you have a good use in mind.  David Weber thought he would use his card to buy beer, which is a small purchase and bars may not require ID for payment of small amounts, and he did look old enough that they weren't likely to card him to see if he was underage.  Unfortunately for David, however, he neglected the last consideration.

The last thing to consider is whether you should use your card in the vicinity from which you stole it.  This is a complicated situation, as to use it farther from the source may arouse the suspicions of the credit card company, but to use it in the immediate area might arouse suspicion of locals who know that you are not the person listed on the card.  The ideal situation is to get far enough away from the source of the card to not run into people who know the card owner, but not so far that you arouse suspicion.  This is perhaps the trickiest part of stealing a credit card, and is the part where David failed.  He used the card in a bar near the parking garage from which he stole it, and, to his dismay, not only was the card owner's name recognized, but the card owner was the bartender to whom he gave the card!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by such needless arrests, and we hope that you will learn from David Weber's poor example and either choose not to steal a credit card or at least choose to follow smarter practices when using stolen credit cards!