Threats and attacks

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the progress we are making in keeping the incidence of brad- and hole-punch-related attacks and threats lower than historical averages.  We are not pleased, however, when we see the statistics of some other attacks increasing.  It seems, according to our analysts, that people choosing not to attack their friends or family with brads and hole punches are instead turning to other, more bizarre methods of attack.

The incidence of stick figure attacks, for instance, has never been high enough for law enforcement to take notice, but this year the number of incidents has quadrupled.  While a single year is not enough to be considered a trend, and since the volume of these attacks and threats has been low, the statistical significance of this increase could be debated, but we aren't taking any chances.  Our operatives are being told to be on the lookout for stick figure threats, and we hope we'll be able to keep them from growing any more this year.

Another lesser-known attack is the sandwich attack.  It has been used off and on for decades, but this year the statistics show a bit of a jump.  We don't know yet whether the assailant in this case used a sandwich carefully constructed for the attack, or whether he found himself without a weapon and decided his sandwich would suffice.  The assailant has been extremely uncooperative and demanded roast beef and provolone to make more sandwiches, and we have not been able to find a reliable witness to the events other than the assailant and his wife, the woman he attacked.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to remind our supporters that the only kinds of threats and attacks that we approve of are the ones made against our enemies and against purveyors of evil office products.  We would also like to remind you that you alone do not decide who our enemies are.  If you have a question about a specific individual or organization, please submit it to your local GPD office and we will be glad to inform you whether it is okay to make threats against or attack the person or organization you are considering attacking.