"Elections" results

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sad to report that none of the candidates for membership in the Board of Dictators were accepted in this round of "elections".

• Jill Quispe Gonzales Noot was eliminated as she did not pass the guest writer trial
• Eero Smith was eliminated as he refused to keep "Natasha's" true mission a secret until it had played out.  He will be released from the GNU Public Dungeons as soon as his ride arrives.
• Dak Mueller was eliminated when it was found that the sleep number he reported on his application did not match the sleep number he typically uses.  This came to light when the sleep number bed he was sleeping on was found at a 23 instead of the 26 that he had reported.  Unfortunately for him, the surveillance images of the bed did not support his story that "I am Dak and someone must have changed it!"  He was caught changing it in his sleep, and when our researchers finished vetting his story about choosing his sleep number it became clear that he occasionally has lapses in his memory and isn't reliable enough to be a member of the Board of Dictators.

We hope that all of our loyal supporters will begin the process of applying for our next election now so that you will fare better than this year's finalists!

News about "Natasha"

In the weeks since our finalist Eero wrote in this forum, we have found much out about our former operative "Natasha."  In fact, we found so much about her that we had to stop posting for a while so as not to jeopardize her plans.

Eero wrote that we had found that "Natasha" was asking about jobs in the fledgling combination brad/hole punch industry, and that was the truth.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry that we had to mislead you and Eero, but the reasons behind her inquiry were not what we told Eero to report in his post.  In fact, "Natasha" was trying to crush the fledgling industry before it got started, which is why she was trying to cozy up to all of the players.  While it is true that the money wasn't there for this doubly devilish office doohickey, it is also true that bad ideas like this sometimes flourish, especially when backed by evil conspiracies.  When we realized what "Natasha" was doing we contacted her and coordinated our responses.  We simply pretended to be busy and not posting regularly, and "Natasha" continued her operation.  We are pleased to announce that her operation was a success, and that all of the backers of the combination brad/hole punch have abandoned their investments and are looking elsewhere.

On another note, "Natasha" claims that "Edgar" has restructured the New Company to isolate the brad and hole punch revenue in a subsidiary that she claims he intends to sell.  If this information is reliable (and you can be sure we will find out whether it is reliable) then our relationship with "Edgar," "Natasha," and the New Company is entering new territory.  It may be that our only real conflict with them is who should be in charge of the New Future!