Pacman

The New Company is even more nefarious than we had suspected, but really we had suspected that they were more nefarious than we had suspected, so they are about as nefarious as we suspect.  Regardless of how nefarious they are, we recently discovered that the new CEO of the New Company was apparently involved in creating another Pac-man image on a moon of Saturn.  The moon, Tethys, was modified by "Gertrude" to exhibit the video-game style heat distribution several years ago.  Our operatives discovered his involvement by listening in on interplanetary communications the New Company is sending, apparently at random, into space.  Actually, as his involvement is still only suspected of causing the strange patterns, we should refer to his involvement as alleged involvement, but either way, the taint of the New Company is casting doubt on our hypothesis that Pac-man was an interplanetary traveler as this and the previous incident are now both possibly tainted.  We'll let you know if we find definitive evidence either way, but for the near term we suggest that you refrain from embracing the interplanetary traveler hypothesis, at least in public!

3D models

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to progress, but we do occasionally have to take a stand against "progress" that is in bad taste or in the wrong direction.  Take the trend, for example, where parents buy 3D models of the fetus inside the mother (picture 6).  It may seem innocent and quirky, but imagine where this technology might lead.  While a model of a fetus might be cute, imagine what would happen if we started allowing people to model their internal organs in the same way.  Not only would it be weird, but it would be indecent if people started modeling their organs that are generally considered private.  While it may be tempting to buy a 3D model of your fetus, at the GPD we ask our supporters to consider the long term consequences of such a purchase before supporting the industry.

Poultricide

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to evil in all of its forms, which is why incidents such as this one, in which a pardoned bird mysteriously meets an early demise after being released but before his scheduled execution, frustrate us.  As we have repeatedly affirmed, the GPD believes in the rule of law and order, and when someone is acquitted in a court of law or pardoned by elected officials, we believe that their alleged offenses should be forgotten.  The bird in question, Peace, was spared execution by executive order, and thought that things would then proceed to go smoothly.  Unfortunately, a New Company operative bent on vigilante justice infected the turkey with a virulent disease which necessitated his early death.  We mentioned yesterday about the new "Gertrude's" evil plans, and our operatives have just confirmed that this incident was part of one of them.  His goal, however, is much more ambitious than killing a turkey--he intends to disrupt the world's justice system by endangering the lives of people released from prison (on parole, pardoned, or having served their time) so that they would rather remain in prison for their entire lives, even after they could be integrated into society.  Our operatives tell us that the reason he wants to keep people in prison is that he has ways of spreading his nefarious products "inside" that just don't work in the regular world.  We presume he is trying to strengthen a shadow society in jail and then release them into the regular world when they are ready, but we intend to be ready first!

The New "Gertrude"

The New Company has announced today that it has selected a new "Gertrude" to run their day-to-day operations and that the current "Gertrude" will be rented to people for outsourced FAQs and other such menial tasks.  They never publish the names of their new "Gertrudes," but, according to all of the information at our disposal, we believe that "she" is none other than Jason Iniguez, the former CTO of the New Company who disappeared mysteriously at the same time that Carl, the former "Gertrude," stepped down.  Jason has been closely involved in many of the New Company's most nefarious plots, and, although he has recently been rather quiet, our operatives say that evidence suggests that he has been working on many plans with potentially disastrous consequences, some of which have been in the news recently.  We'll keep you posted on new developments, but we would like to remind you that the New Company is dangerous regardless of who is running it, and that no matter how they try to package them evil office products such as brads, hole punches, and evil stickers are still evil and will, eventually, ruin the lives of all who embrace them.

Grrr

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not frustrated with the results of "Edgar's" recent attacks on the New Company.  They announced internally today that they are choosing a new leader as the computer "Gertrude" has been increasingly unreliable.  While this is good in that the New Company is temporarily in chaos, we worry that pushing the unproductive software out of the way prematurely may actually benefit the New Company's evil goals.

Clarifications

Some of our supporters have been circulating stories about how the applications we received this year aren't as promising because we accepted applications from species other than humans, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed at the bias displayed by this inflammatory statement.  When we made the decision to accept applications from all forms of life we knew that the acceptance rate, which is already very low for humans, would probably be lower for other species, mostly because other species are at a disadvantage when it comes to performing some of the tasks required of the Board of Dictators.  The promising applications rate is lower for non-human supporters than for human applicants, but the rate among human supporters is lower this year than it has been in the past.  If you are one of these supporters that are spreading these stories, please refrain from doing so immediately.  We know who you are, and if you do not cease and desist we will be forced to take action.

Thanksgiving

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sensitive to cultures other than our own, which is why we generally try to avoid forcing our holidays on peoples of other cultural backgrounds who may not celebrate them.  In some cases, however, the holidays have such universal messages that, whether or not people elect to celebrate them, it won't hurt them to consider the message of the holiday.  One such holiday is the traditional holiday of Thanksgiving, which the United States is observing today.  While many mistakenly observe that Thanksgiving is about gluttony and cutthroat competition for amazing deals with total disregard for the humanity of other participants in the ritual, the truth is that Thanksgiving wasn't originally about the cheap electronics available the next morning.  In fact, it was first celebrated before electronics were cheap at all.  As it turns out, the real focus of observing Thanksgiving is not about eating a turkey or buying iPads, but about being grateful for what one has and has been able to accomplish.  At the GPD we ask our supporters to contemplate for a moment what we all have to be grateful for, including but not limited to lower brad sales, a lower incidence of brad-related deaths in children, hole punch trade-in drives, and the recent collapse of the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  When we stop to consider the progress we are making, we will have the energy to see it through all the way to the New Future!

Applications

As we mentioned before, we are processing applications for membership in the Board of Dictators as quickly as we can.  What we can tell you at this point, unfortunately, is that we are not finding as high a percentage of promising applications as we have in the past, but our statisticians have been telling us that this isn't a problem.  In much the same way as unemployment rates can vary because either the size of the labor pool changes or the number of people employed changes, the percentage of promising applications can vary because either the quality of the applications changes or the number of applications.  In this case the number of applications is so elevated that, even though we are not finding a lot of promising applications each day, the overall number of promising applications is projected to be twice what we have received in previous years.

At last (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not supportive of equal rights for all, and by all we mean all forms of life, including vegetables.  It shouldn't surprise any of our supporters that we are starting to have widespread success in this endeavor, as less than half of our applicants for membership in the Board of Dictators this year came from human applicants.  It is a testament to our commitment to diversity that we consider their applications, and although many of them are not equipped properly to participate in the Board of Dictators we are reviewing each candidate to determine whether we would benefit by including him or her or whatever.  It is no small pleasure, then, when we find other like-minded individuals championing the less-popular of endangered species as in this article.  While many self-absorbed individuals will continue to discriminate, we believe that the majority of world citizens are now recognizing the valuable contributions that a pangolin can make to our society.  At the same time, however, we object to the headline asking whether these creatures are "too ugly" to be saved, but we understand that to get people to read articles you usually have to use salacious titles.

Twiddling or not...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not working overtime to try to get through all of your applications for membership in the Board of Dictators, and one thing we have been nothing if not grateful for is that, other than the recent denial of service attacks the New Company hasn't been able to mount much of an attack on anything.  We noticed that over the weekend our old friend "Edgar" has been claiming that he is responsible for the decreased activity.  Our operatives tell us that since they created the computer program they call "Gertrude" that their productivity has decreased anyway, and we fear that "Edgar" has meddled with things to cause them to be even less efficient.  While "Edgar" may claim he is doing the world a service, we hope he doesn't make "Gertrude" so inefficient that they give up on her and return power to more competent human hands.  While it is much too early to make any official announcements, we can say that in our prior meetings on the topic we did discuss the fact that if "Edgar" were a member of the Board of Dictators he wouldn't be able to run these sorts of operations without clearing them with the rest of the Board.  But then again he would try to push his own agenda, causing us to have more meetings... we'll have to wait and see how the applications process plays out.

Meat eaters

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence in propaganda, which is why we appreciate New Healthway, a textbook aimed at teaching hygiene and health to 11- and 12-year-old Indian children.  The textbook was written by a group that believes it is immoral to eat meat, and while the GPD has no policy about the consumption of animal matter we do have a policy to defend the right of world citizens to choose their own diet.  Unless, of course, that diet includes hallucinogenic substances transported on the surface of brads.

Anyway, the real genius of the textbook was the way it uses the techniques of propaganda to make a statement that would be regarded by most rational world citizens as true but uninteresting sound bizarre, unhealthy, and abnormal.  Specifically, the textbook states that meat eaters lie, cheat, steal, and commit sex crimes.  This statement is true, as many criminals do eat meat, and many people who eat meat engage in these other immoral behaviors.  The genius behind this book, though, is the way it refrains from making similar statements about non-meat-eaters, which would also be true.  By specifically not mentioning that vegetarians have also been known to commit these same crimes they turn the simple statement of an uninteresting fact into a way to manipulate people into doing what they want.  It's almost as if the authors had taken Propaganda 314 and 465 at the GNU Public University, but we can't find any record of that having happened.  Of course it is always possible that they took a pirated copy of the course, although they wouldn't have been able to receive their degrees without reporting the course back to the working group that controls the GPU.

This book would have been an awesome propaganda tool for those who wrote it, but unfortunately they attempted to use the racist argument by stating among other things that the Inuit people are lazy because they eat mostly meat.  The racist argument is one that should be avoided unless all other attempts at propaganda have failed as, if it doesn't succeed, most people simply dismiss you as foolish or racist after you make the argument unsuccessfully.

Incidentally, the GPU is opening a new program for those interested in become better propagandists.  The degree is a Master's degree in the art of "Persuasion" and is available to all qualified applicants.  Inquire at your local GPD office!

More crime

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the amount of crime we find to report to you, but we feel it is our duty to report it so that (1) you will be well-informed world citizens and will let us protect you from criminals and (2) the criminals will fear being exposed in this forum and will not commit crimes so easily.  At this time we would like to mention the case of a 9-year-old Ukranian criminal genius who took money from his father, laundered it, and purchased a controlling share in the local candy market.  While we applaud his initiative, we must recommend against following his example, as when he was found out his ill-gotten gains (at least the ones that weren't already consumed) were confiscated.  On a separate note we would like to point out that the GPD has advised on multiple occasions against the use of banks such as the couch used here, where any person without proof of identity can make large withdrawals.  It's your money, but if you want it to keep being your money you may want to follow our advice!

Appropriate punishment

Some crimes are so heinous that they must be punished immediately and severely.  Other crimes are horrible, but show such a complete lack of common sense that they deserve a punishment designed to humiliate the offender and shame him or her into complying with the rules in the future.  Such a case was Shena Hardin's decision to repeatedly avoid stopping for a school bus by driving on the sidewalk around the stopped cars.  We applaud the decision of the judge to make her wear a sign stating that "Only an idiot would drive on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus" as we believe that it may discourage her and other from endangering children in such a selfish and misguided attempt to save a few seconds on a commute.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not displeased with such selfish acts!

Inhumane treatment

With the recent complaints Anders Breivik has been making about the inhumane conditions in the Norwegian prison in which he is being held, we thought it would be a good time to discuss what we, the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators, believe about what makes something inhumane, especially in light of our recent efforts to recognize the contributions of all forms of life to the New Future and make conditions better for everyone.  Mr. Breivik has made it clear in previous statements that he is not a believer in equal rights for all humans, let alone for all living things.  He has made it clear that his brutal murders were motivated by a desire to keep his homeland from becoming impure and being ruined, and has justified his horrible crimes by claiming that he wanted to make things better for all, or at least for all that he considers worthy to inhabit his country.  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to making things better for all, except for those who are dedicated to the enslavement of the human race to evil office products and the destruction of the New Future.  By our definition, to be inhumane a prison would have to be bad enough that we wouldn't wish it on our enemies.  The prison that Mr. Breivik is living in, however, is one where many of the poorest people in the world would love to spend a holiday weekend, which, by our count, makes it not inhumane.  If Mr. Breivik wants to experience a real inhumane prison we have a few sections of the GNU Public Dungeon that have been closed because they were too horrible, and we could put him up in one of them for a while if he is interested.

Sorry

We're sorry for the inconvenience this caused any of you who reported your Sleep Number in the old-style numbers (32-212), but we assumed that any responsible world citizen would have reported it using the standard 0-100 as it is clearly more efficient and less arcane.  The old scale hasn't been in widespread use since 1923, but it has been used in certain circles (apparently including the Parent Corporation) much more recently.  A review showed that it was likely that 13 applicants, including "Edgar," used the wrong scale.  11 of those were shown to be from the New Company, and the remaining one came from a 93-year-old social media executive who hadn't realized the scale had changed.  We have attempted to correct the situation, but we apologize for any mental anguish this may have caused you.

An attack!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry for the inconvenience you may have experienced as a result of the recent denial of service attacks at our GPD offices.  The perpetrators have been identified as operatives of the New Company, but we believe that they enlisted the help of many young people who were trying to be part of a large flash mob.  There was no permanent damage to our infrastructure, but GPD employees and many people seeking services at their local GPD offices were delayed for several hours while we mopped up after the operation.  Unfortunately the organizers of the event neglected to show up, so we don't have them in custody yet, but we will...

Elections, term limits, and local optimizations

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for the future, which is why we take a great deal of time planning for the New Future and deciding how and when to inaugurate it.  Recent elections in the US and other countries have highlighted some of the shortcomings of other forms of government, and we will take this space to elaborate.

The GPD advocates for government by a Board of Dictators who have the best interests of society at heart.  We provide checks and balances to each other and our collective minds have proven adequate for every task we have been presented with as yet.  We know that you know that we have your interests at heart and that you trust us to do what is right, and due to the open nature of our government we know that you will find out and complain if we ever deviate from your high expectations.  We have the correct motivations and the correct checks and balances in place to have you trust us to rule the world.  New members of the Board of Dictators must be vetted by the current members of the Board, which means that our government can exist in perpetuity and is the most ideal form possible.

Democracies, by contrast, have elected leaders who are chosen directly by the public.  We have elaborated in the past on different forms of democratic rule, but the differences among these forms are not particularly salient at this point.  These leaders that are chosen by the people are often chosen not because of their intellect or their desires to improve the world, but because they can create television ads that portray them as less undesirable than their opponents.  In general, people are chosen for arbitrary reasons such as that they looked less pale during a televised debate, or that they acted confident during a campaign.  Because the reasons such people are chosen are so arbitrary, the kind of person that is generally attracted to running for office is a strange one.  Most of them are egotistical and arrogant, and many of them simply want the power that elected office affords them.  Many abuse their positions to improve their own financial or romantic situations and many simply enjoy the perks of respect and paid expenses.  These people also cannot be expected to address the real problems society faces as they generally are not elected for life, but have to face their constituents as soon as two years later to ask them to re-elect them.  This bias toward short-term returns prevents most elected officials from tackling any of the real problems, as there are no easy solutions to them that do not take significant amounts of time.

The Board of Dictators is superior to democracies because

1. We are not beholden to arbitrary measures of fitness for office.  Our supporters support us because we are clearly worthy of their respect.  The open-source government model encourages citizens to audit our actions and enables them to know that we are the best choice.  If someone disagrees with the way we are doing things they are welcome to change it and submit it for review.  Every member of the Board of Dictators has been thoroughly checked out and declared fit for office by the other members of the Board, so there is no doubt that they are fit for their office.
2. The GPD does not attract people who want power, money, or fame.  The work of the Board of Dictators is thankless and tiring, and only those truly concerned with making the world a better place tend to apply.
3. The GPD does not require member of the Board of Dictators to continually keep themselves popular.  This allows us to address the real problems society faces regardless of the short-term costs.  We could never have manipulated the financial markets to restructure everything to lay the foundations for the New Future and been reelected the next year, it just wouldn't be possible

Thanks

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to extend our thanks to all who took the time to apply for membership in the Board of Dictators.  You can rest assured that we will examine your applications carefully and that we will consider your qualifications and desires to improve the world.  If the US election yesterday taught us anything it is that while people like the mystery of not knowing what the outcome will be, people also like knowing what the final answer is.  In that vein we will endeavor to complete our reviews as soon as possible, but based on the volume of applications received we expect that it will take at least a few weeks to weed out the less-qualified applicants and get to a short list of likely candidates.  Please do not panic if you have not received a response concerning your application until after December 1.  If you haven't received an answer by December 1 you can panic, but we advise against it.  We recommend that you check with your local GPD county office rather than panic, but we would like to set expectations now:  most of you will not make the final short list.  Historically the acceptance rate has been well below 1%, and we have no reason to believe that this year will be any different.

A matter of principle

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to doing the right thing, regardless of what it takes, and we believe that, in the long run, doing the right thing is always better than doing the easy thing.  It is this dedication to doing the right thing that has led us to our current situation, in which our former nemesis is, apparently sincerely, applying to become a member of the Board of Dictators.  If he were still our nemesis this decision would have been extremely easy, but as he has married one of our best operatives and is now dedicating his life to the eradication of evil office products and the purveyors of said products (and to the acquisition of power and influence over his fellow world citizens, but that's not the point here) the decision has proven extremely difficult.  We have held several emergency meetings of the Board of Dictators to decide how to proceed in this matter, and we have concluded that we will accept "Edgar's" application and process it according to our standard procedures.  This does mean that, if he is found to be right for the position, that we will join forces with our former nemesis to stamp out his former cohorts.  In an effort to be fair to him we have informed him of this decision and that he failed to include a valid sleep number on his application.  Hopefully he will provide this critical information before our deadline of tonight.  For those who have not applied yet, consider this your gentle reminder that you only have a few hours left to do so!  Application materials can be found here.

An interesting choice

Some of our supporters who have been following "Edgar" have been asking whether he was serious when he said he was applying for membership in the Board of Dictators.  He was.  We received his application over the weekend and have been processing it.  We're not sure whether to accept him as sincere or not, but we'll have some long board meetings to discuss it.  If you feel strongly about it either way let us know!

Double lives = double support!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to announce that due to our recent promotion of bizarre hobbies we have more than doubled our supporters.  It seems that nearly all of our supporters have a hobby that could be construed as having a bizarre double life, and some of our supporters have two or even three such hobbies.  We are very pleased that our current supporter base was so easily increased, and would like to thank you all for engaging in hobbies.

Parents vs. Elected Officials

Next in our series exploring what's wrong with the status quo is a look at elected officials and parents.  One might assume that parents and political leaders have a great deal in common, but one might be wrong.  Parents and elected officials have very little in common, beyond the superficial similarities of their duties.

A parent is someone who is tasked with governing a family.  Parents choose the number and genetic makeup of their constituents, and in return for providing safety tend to expect absolute loyalty.  Some parents even expect their constituents to perform illegal acts to protect them or further their interests.  If parents' constituents rise up in rebellion against the tyranny of their parents, they are generally incarcerated in their room or their travel privileges rescinded.  Society tolerates this tyranny as parents are assumed to have superior knowledge and experience, and they are assumed to have the interests of their constituents at heart.  If they don't, society generally takes their constituents away and integrates them into other groups.

An elected official is generally tasked with the proper governance of a group of people.  The elected officials choose who they want to be their constituents, but they rely on their constituents to choose them back.  This is the first major difference between parents and elected officials.  In order to be elected, the official must endear himself or herself to the constituents by making empty promises or convincing them that things will be better for them.  Constituents are not expected to be loyal, and if the elected official does something unpopular, the constituents will likely have him or her removed from office.  Elected officials are assumed to have the interests of constituents at heart, but generally they have their own interests at heart and really only have the interests of the constituents in what they say and do publicly.  

The primary difference between these two groups is that parents can and do change their constituents for the better, while elected officials usually have little effect on their constituents' lives.  If society wants to improve, they will need leaders who are more like parents than elected officials.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not accommodating, which is why we are offering to act like parents to world citizens and not elected officials!