How not to appear in court

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to improving your satisfaction in your life, whatever your current condition.  As part of our continuing series of self-help guides, we are presenting today a lesson on how not to appear in court, using the events reported in this article as a guide.

It seems that Mr. Nolan had previously been accused of DWI, or Driving While Intoxicated.  We had suspected that DWI meant something else, like perhaps "dumb while inside" or "drunk with injuries" but our lawyers assure us that it does mean "driving while intoxicated."  The GPD does not claim jurisdiction (yet) over Mr. Nolan's actions, and our lawyers begged us not to make judgments about his guilt or innocence without reviewing the evidence.  As court papers tend to be a little on the boring side, we will just refrain from making judgments.  It is not important, however, whether Mr. Nolan committed the offense of which he had been accused, as he appeared at the hearing acting a bit tipsy and smelling of alcohol.

At this point, it should be obvious to all but the least observant that Mr. Nolan made a mistake.  He should have either not shown up intoxicated or hidden his intoxication a little better, because as he left the court he was followed by suspicious officers, who stopped him nearly as soon as he got in his vehicle and charged him with a DWI.

For the less-observant among our supporters, here is a cheat sheet on how to avoid a DWI conviction:

• If you are intoxicated, don't drive.  It will make it very hard to convict you for a DWI.
• If you are charged with a DWI, regardless of whether you did it, don't show up for a hearing while intoxicated.
• If you do show up for your hearing intoxicated, do not drive home.  Chances are very good that the officers at the courthouse noticed your intoxication and will prevent you from endangering others on the road.  They will not only arrest you, but will have very good evidence for your next hearing.

We hope this has been helpful!