Torture

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased of President Obama's announcements that the United States of America will no longer torture its enemy combatants. We have been working for several years to eliminate torture, and we think that now would be a good time to restate our policy on torture.

As a general rule, the GPD does not condone torture. We require our investigators to try any new interrogation method they may propose on themselves before using it on others, and if violations are ever discovered we punish them. The method of punishment for using unauthorized interrogation techniques was recently changed, but it is always a painful punishment that we, the Board of Dictators, have tried out on ourselves. The current method is to smash the perpetrator's pinkies between door jambs and a refrigerator. It may sound barbaric, but I survived the treatment with only minimal permanent damage when I tested it on myself earlier this week, so we believe it to be an acceptable deterrent.

Other than the punishment for using unauthorized techniques the GPD does not maintain a list of acceptable practices. Each interrogator is required to keep his or her own list of methods and to keep proof that they have been tried on themselves. If you have a question about a specific method you have seen an interrogator use or would like to propose a new method, contact your local GPD office. We look forward to hearing from you!