Spoon cancer, the silent coat killer

While going about my business last week I was surprised to feel an abnormal lump in the sleeve of my coat. It was about six inches long, firm, and rounded at one end. Knowing, as you all do, the symptoms of spoon cancer I quickly made an appointment at the nearest coat medical center. X-rays confirmed the presence of a tumor in my coat sleeve, and subsequent examinations showed that it had not yet reached a malignant state. After a successful operation my coat is recovering well, and doctors say it will soon never know that it was so close to death. Luckily, I took my coat health seriously and had attended my last coat checkup in March of last year.

While my story is not exceptional (the number of coat deaths due to spoon cancer has been on the rise, with diagnoses increasing steadily over the last decade, and up 77% last year alone) we hope it will motivate our supporters not to miss their annual coat checkups. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to coat health, and we feel that it no coat should have to die of a fully treatable condition just because the owner might not have access to coat health care. Consequently, we are instituting a program at all of our local GPD offices where any person regardless of political affiliations can receive an annual coat checkup at no cost to them. Just to show how seriously we take spoon cancer, we'll even check coats for members of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch!