The Reason Brads have tines of different lengths

After many weeks of discussions, committee meetings, and focus groups, we have finally decided that the world is in fact ready to know the Reason brads have tines of different lengths. As most of you remember, Jacob Gehris was asked by the Company why he had designed his brad this way, and he responded that it was so that the tines could be separated. All of our historical documents show that this answer was well-received by the Company, presumably because it had nothing to do with the real Reason. As our review of documents acquired in the collapse of the Company continued, we soon learned that it had a little more than nothing to do with the real Reason.

The real Reason can only be understood with the perspective one gains from an understanding of the basic history of the brad, so we will take some time here to highlight the salient points. This summary, however, is not by any means meant to be a replacement for the course HIST 332: The History of the Brad, and we encourage you to enroll as soon as possible if you have not already taken the course. The first references we have to the Brad Guys (then known as the "Sons of Brad") were recorded in the middle ages by priests concerned with what they believed they had uncovered. Until recently, most historians agreed that the Brad Guys believe that the brad was brought to earth many milennia ago by an extra-terrestrial race. Our recent documents dispute this claim, making it more likely that early leaders of the Sons of Brad used this story to help them spread their influence, but that as the members increased in stature within the cult they were told the Secret. There is only one surviving record of a member who threatened to reveal the Secret, and his ignominious fate is best left untold in this public forum. Any supporters who may have a legitimate need for this information can request it by submitting form G9833A: Request for Details of Disgusting Deaths and Worse to your local GPD office. The Secret, in essence, consisted in the knowledge that the first brad was invented by the revered Biggest Brother as a way to punish his wife, who was reportedly unfaithful to him. After creating the brad he had an epiphany in which he claims to have fully understood the sinister potential of the brad and discovered that he should create the cult.

Here is an excerpt from a secret Company document which is a translation of the Biggest Brother's teachings about how he designed the brad:

"My wife had always been fond of creating sculptures out of scraps of wood. I decided I would modify all of her fasteners such that no matter how she fastened things they would fall to pieces. My evil plan was proceeding as I devised the most sinister of all fasteners, the brad! I gave it a rounded top so that it could be pushed by hand or by tool, and I gave it two brass tines. My first attempts had the tines of equal lengths, but it proved less than useful. I thought about it for many a fortnight, and eventually the thought came to me that if I were to make the tines of different lengths they would both be easily separable and also be a tangible symbol of the domination of the strong over the weak. I completed my plan, and my wife was so frustrated with the fasteners that she attacked me. I was forced to defend myself, and by the time I was done defending myself I had embedded many brads into her lifeless body..."

The manuscript goes on, describing his attacks and the utility of his brads as weapons of torture in great detail. Again, we don't think it is appropriate to reproduce it here, but if you feel you need to know, submit your form G9833A: Request for Details of Disgusting Deaths and Worse to your local GPD office and we will consider your request.

This quote does make it clear that the brad has tines of different lengths in part because of the mundane reason Jacob Gehris cited, but more importantly as a symbol of his dominance as the stronger, longer tine over his wife, the weaker, shorter tine. This symbolism, whether you like it or not, pervades all aspects of the brad. It is a physical symbol of exploitation and oppression, and we are glad that the GNU Public Dictatorship we have always been nothing if not opposed to it!