Equal Rights for Zombies!

Over the years the GNU Public Dictatorship has been instrumental in pushing reforms that guarantee equal rights for everyone, regardless of where they were born, how they were educated, or whether they happen to be a tomato with less-than-perfect symmetry. We have even worked to eliminate the symbols of discrimination along with the discrimination itself. It was brought to our attention recently, however, that our crusade for equal rights for everyone has ignored a whole segment of society: the undead. In fact, our policies toward the undead have often been less than tolerant.

Last week we were contacted by a representative of the Zombie Rights Campaign, and it has been an eye-opening experience for us. We have always prided ourselves on our tolerance and magnanimity, so when we realized that we, ourselves, had been discriminating we were distraught. We had some serious debate, a portion of which are reproduced here. For the full transcript please submit form W99823-J: Request for Transcript of Board Meeting to your local GPD office.

Tim: "If we look at our historical record, we can see that the GPD has unflinchingly supported equal rights in all cases. In order to maintain our principles, we must support equal rights for zombies."

Daniel: "We can't very well support equal rights for zombies while commissioning studies about how to deal with it when they attack, can we?"

Tim: "I never said the issue was without complications, just that we cannot afford to deny rights to an entity willing to ask for them, even if they have the potential to destroy the human race if they were to attack in a coordinated fashion."

Juliana: "The fundamental problem here appears to be the definition of a zombie. Is a zombie a creature with a will of its own, or is it a mere pathogen waiting to infect others?"

Daniel: "Assuming we support equal rights for zombies and a zombie is defined to be a pathogen, we would have to support equal rights for bacteria and viruses, even when such a campaign could seriously jeopardize our own health and safety."

Juliana: "Agreed. We can't simultaneously define a zombie as a pathogen and campaign for its rights. This is the crux of the issue."

Tim: "I think that if a bacterium ever asks us for protection we would have to acquiesce. Or, more generally, that if something has the presence of mind to request protection that they are by definition more than simply a pathogen."

The debate continued for several hours, and although both sides of the debate had compelling arguments, the Board of Dictators has finally decided that the GPD cannot any longer avoid entering the campaign for equal rights for zombies. Zombies who demand equal rights are clearly more than pathogens here to destroy civilization (even if they are here to destroy our civilization) and deserve the same protections that the rest of us enjoy. Besides, all of our research shows that zombies do not use hole punches or brads.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, and while we aren't saying that our supporters should never kill zombies, we would like to remind them to consider the rights of zombies before shooting them with shotguns or knocking their heads off. After all, they're not here just for your amusement!