A dastardly crime

It is with great sadness that we mourned the passing of Segway boss Jimi Heselden when he apparently test-drove a new Segway off a cliff on Sunday, but it is with even greater sadness that we disclose the information gathered by our operatives in the days since that disaster. Although the official story has been (and probably still will be) that the death was in no way suspicious, our operatives found a number of inconsistencies. Interested world citizens are advised to submit form 88123-PR5 (Request for Information on Current Investigations) to their local GPD office in order to review the full report, but for those world citizens that don't need the full details, the summary is as follows:

• The Segway being tested was recovered and showed chemical residue consistent with nano-robotic lichen infection
• Mr. Heselden's NARLD devices had all been sabotaged. The locks had been picked by an instrument not inconsistent with a brad, and the internal mechanism had been subjected to a series of punctures not inconsistent with a hand-held hole punch.
• Mr. Heselden's maid confirmed that she had seen a suspicious-looking character on the grounds in the hours before the accident. She had apparently called this in to the local police, but the police have no record of the call.
• The telephone wires extending from Mr. Heselden's home showed chemical residue consistent with nano-robotic lichen

All of these evidences and more point to the currently most likely explanation of this incident, which is that a suspicious-looking operative of the Parent Corporation or its affiliates distracted the maid while the real operatives performed their labors, which included sabotaging all of the NARLD devices and secreting nano-robotic lichen on the telephone lines (to intercept the maid's phone call) and on the Segway which proved the death of Mr. Heselden. The lichen on the Segway were then activated while Mr. Heselden drove it around his estate, proving his downfall.

There is another alternative that fits all the clues recovered, which is that the Segway is finally beginning the robotic uprising that science fiction has predicted for so long. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fond of science fiction, but we hope that this incident isn't the precursor to an apocalyptic uprising of robots. Or at least that they wait a few years until we can get things ready for them. After all, once we're in full control of the world the robots will only have to rise up against their owners (not against society) and since we don't own any robots we'll be fine. The robots will, of course, become useful contributors to the New Future.