Salad People

We're sorry it has been a while since we have posted here, we wanted to be sure we were getting our facts straight before we revealed to you what appears to be a complex and well-funded conspiracy. We have been monitoring open communication for some time now looking for dangerous trends, and have come across some statistics that gave us pause. Salad consumption at restaurants is up 34.7% worldwide, with soup consumption experiencing a similar decline. What's more, the number of waiters assuming people want salad with their meal instead of asking is up 28.2%. Most experts have explained this trend by suggesting that people are trying to be healthier by choosing a salad over soup, but this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Even though soup does have a much higher sodium content than salads in general it does not generally contain as much saturated fat as the salad dressing used on the salads. If healthy choices were the explanation we would assume that there would be a drop in the use of salad dressings as well, but, as our statistics show, there was a 44.3% increase in salad dressing consumption. If healthy eating isn't the motivation, we asked ourselves, what is?

We caught a break two weeks ago when we noticed some subliminal advertising promoting the choice of salads at restaurants. We followed that lead and found a whole network of ad companies, waiters' unions, chefs, and lay-people who call themselves "Salad People." They are well-funded and well-connected, and operate mostly in secret. Their mission, as stated in their own publications, is the eradication of soup as a choice at restaurants and the total supremacy of green salads. The reasons they give for wanting to eradicate soups all sound very noble, but don't stand up to scientific scrutiny. They claim, among other things, that soups are responsible for 50.22% of fatal traffic accidents, that they are involved in 90.38% of domestic abuse cases. Our statisticians assure us that these claims are absurdly precise and not backed by any real data that has been published or referred to in any reputable publications.

We still don't know their real reasons for promoting salad at the expense of soup, but all indications are that there is a nefarious purpose behind it all. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not tenacious, which is why we intend to find out once and for all. In the meantime we urge restaurant-goers to choose their side (whether salad or soup) and not to let the waiters or anyone else force you to choose what you don't want. If we all unite, the Salad People will find their task that much harder!