A disturbing incident

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disturbed by some of the new developments in the Parent Corporation's strategy. Until recently most of their progress was made by either brokering deals with or strong-arming organizations to cooperate with them or by trying to create addicts by exposing vulnerable members of the population to evil office products. Now, however, they are starting to resort to bizarre tactics (examples here, here, here, and so forth) to accomplish their aims. Rest assured that we are diligently monitoring these new developments and that, while we urge caution and common sense, you are not in any danger that we can quantify just yet. Unless, of course, you are of African descent and live in Paris, and then it appears that the Parent Corporation is perpetrating an as-yet unknown evil on you.

Those pesky lichens

We recently reported on the passing of Segway boss Jimi Heselden and warned our supporters worldwide to keep their NARLD devices running despite the fact that we have eradicated wild nano-robotic lichens. Unfortunately another incident has occurred that confirms our fears: the Parent Corporation is still trying to use them to disrupt people's lives. While details are still sketchy and our investigation is by no means finished, we know that Christian Kandlbauer has been involved in a serious accident. Christian was the recipient of a "bionic arm," a prosthetic that was controlled by his brain and allowed him to be independent even though he had lost both of his natural arms. Initial reports suggest that his robotic arm may have been infected by nano-robotic lichens, and the wreckage of the car was in such a state that our engineers still haven't determined whether his NARLD was working at the time of the crash. If it wasnt, we suspect that he was the next intended victim of the Parent Corporation's evil schemes. If it was, we suspect that our hypothesis that the robotic uprising is beginning may be more correct than we thought. We will keep you informed of the interesting developments in this case and will try to let you know as soon as possible whether you should set up backup NARLD devices or whether you should avoid contact with robots.

How not to shoplift pants

Next in our award-winning series of informative "How not to..." posts is a piece that should help many aspiring thieves to not get caught with their pants down. (Our lawyers are here making us state that we do not condone or encourage theft, but we think you already knew that, especially since our last crackdown on shoplifters at local GPD office gift stores. Incidentally, we thought that by offering everything free of charge as long as people would agree to share their modifications with the community we would avoid shoplifting, but we were apparently wrong.) Our discussion will center on this recent occurrence where the alleged shoplifter allegedly left his own pants (with his own wallet) in the dressing room.

The first rule of shoplifting is to have a plan to get out of the store with the item. In the case of pants, you have a few options: (1) carry them out in a bag, (2) hide them inside your clothes, (3) carry them out blatantly as if you had bought them earlier, or (4) exchange your pants for the new pants. Option 3 should only be attempted by the bravest of aspiring thieves as it requires iron nerves. Options 1 and 2 are simpler and are more suited to the novice, but still have risks. Hiding a pair of pants under a shirt or pair of pants is tricky, and bags are likely to be scrutinized by loss prevention specialists. Option 4, the alleged option of choice for our alleged shoplifter, is an option that could have been very successful, but was executed incorrectly. We think that the other options need no further explanation, so we will proceed to investigate the correct way to implement option 4.

When you choose to trade your pants for a new pair in a dressing room, the primary concern should be whether the old clothes look similar enough to the new ones that any attendants won't immediately notice the deception. The next concern should be to decide how to dispose of the old pants. If you intend to leave them in the dressing room (as our example allegedly did) you should take any personal items out before leaving them (this was our example's alleged mistake), and you should be aware of how much time you will likely have before the deception is discovered. You may need an accomplice or two to discreetly measure how often the attendants clear the dressing rooms of unpurchased items.

As with any theft, there is an element of risk. If you forget one step and leave your wallet in your pants, the police will have little trouble finding you when your deed is discovered. If you miscalculate on the similarity of the pants or on the amount of time you have to get away, you could also be in trouble. If you do decide to go through with your shoplifting plan, we urge you to be safe and to avoid the pitfalls we have mentioned. Avoiding crime is always better than committing it, but committing it intelligently is better than committing it without thinking it through.

As a final note, while we have received numerous awards for our efforts to help people avoid uncomfortable legal entanglements, some have accused us of using this series to encourage the commission of crimes. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to stopping crime, but even though we disagree with shoplifting, we know that some people will do it anyway and are thus willing to teach you how to do it (more) safely.

Trustworthiness

Yesterday we talked about the problems anger is causing in society. Today we continue our investigation into why the status is not quo with a discussion of trustworthiness. Our operatives found many instances where those in a position of authority were less than honest with society and identified this as another major problem with the status quo. A good symbol for this sort of behavior is when the organizers of the Cardiff half-marathon cut 193m out of the 13.1 mile race without telling participants. Several of the runners noticed the difference and clearly felt betrayed. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by this breach of trust and promise to do all in our power to never lie to you. Or at least to never lie to you in such a way that you would eventually find out about it.

Managing Anger

Last month we asked several of our operatives to lead clandestine survey teams to find out what is wrong with society. One of our teams, tasked with investigating the political landscape of the US, stated in their conclusions that "unmanaged anger directed in apparently random directions is killing political discourse and thereby allowing the radical elements to take over as the more moderate elements turn away in disgust." One of the team members was assaulted by an angry activist during the study, but he has since recovered fully. Several of our other teams mentioned anger as a serious problem, including one tasked with investigating the self-help community that ran across this incident where there was a stabbing at an anger management class. They stated that "far from helping people to manage their anger these classes often act as collectors that concentrate the least rational among us and exacerbate their rage." At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not angered by the lack of self-control people exercise, which is why we are asking our world citizens to manage their own anger and to report any and all incidents of unmanaged anger to your local GPD offices so that we can remedy the situation.

Application Materials

The 2010 Application for Membership in the Board of dictators is finally available. Please fill out the form in hard or soft copy and turn them in to a member of the Board. Applicants who pass the first round will be given information on how to submit their elementary school transcripts and assorted blood work. Thank you for your patience.

Submissions not received by "election" day, November 2, 2010 will not be considered. Please send the applications with plenty of time to spare. Happy applying!

The form is available as a Microsoft Word document or a PDF and in US and International Versions.

Version	Word	PDF
US	US2983-2010E	US2983-2010E
International	W2983-2010F	W2983-2010F

New Procedures for This Year's "Election" to the Board of Dictators

Due to the exceptionally high interest in applying for the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators this year we have decided to implement some changes to the process. The application kit will be available later this month, but we thought we would give you advance notice of the changes so that you can be as prepared as possible for this once-in-a-lifetime, or at least once-in-a-year, opportunity.

In previous years the applications process has been:

1. Application materials are filled out and submitted
2. The Board reviews applications, performs background checks, and verifies your financial and other personal information
3. Finalists are notified by the Board and are interviewed to determine fitness for office
4. Zero or more finalists are named as new members of the Board of Dictators

The main problem is that the static Application for Membership, while it weeds out most applicants, is not particularly useful in distinguishing among the highest-ranked applicants. In order to differentiate better among the best-qualified applicants, we are adding a dynamic step to the application process. This year the process will be:

1. Application materials are filled out and submitted
2. Applicants are contacted by our automated e-mail system and asked to submit content for this forum. This request for content will be repeated periodically while step 3 is being carried out.
3. In the meantime, the background checks and verification of financial accounts is carried out
4. Finalists are notified by the Board and interviewed
5. Zero or more finalists are named as new members of the Board of Dictators

We hope that this interactive process (made possible in part by a grant from Eliza) will help us find the most qualified candidates with less expense and less distraction from running the world.

We're sorry

Over the last few years we, the members of your Board of Dictators, have worked tirelessly to improve conditions all around the world. Unfortunately, however, we have not yet been able to make all of the reforms we had hoped. One of these still-awaited reforms involves regulating the packaging of eye drops and of other products such as nail glue and super glue. We have known since 1982 that people who have other things on their mind can become confused and use the wrong bottle, but we had hoped that no more incidents would occur while we were busy on other fronts. Unfortunately, more incidents have occurred, with the latest being Irmgard Holm, to whom we would like to issue a formal apology. We have upgraded the priority on this issue by two levels, and hope to get to it soon. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to bringing about the New Future as soon as possible, but our resources are still limited (for now) and we cannot effect all of the changes we would like as quickly as we would like.

On a related note, we will soon be accepting applications for membership in the Board of Dictators, so don't forget to check this forum often.

The Dangers of Renting Friends

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to your happiness, which is why we would like to take a moment to warn you about the dangers of renting your friends. Some might argue that it makes sense to rent a friend to show you around a new city or to take with you to a wedding or other event where you are expected to have a guest, but do not let them convince you that renting a friend is without undesirable consequences!

It has been reported in multiple studies that, while friends do generally exert a positive influence on an individual, they can also become a source of significant stress as they can either pressure that individual to conform to their expectations or become a drain on that individual because of their unending needs. Some have argued that rented friends are free from these undesirable aspects of friendship, but research shows that when someone pays to rent a friend they feel obligated to "get their money's worth" and are willing to endure the inconveniences of friendship just to make themselves feel better about the whole situation.

While it would be great if we could leave it at this and simply let you all know that you might be getting more than you bargained for, but we have seen at least fifteen incidents involving rented friends where the rented friend convinced the renter that they should experiment with brads or other scrapbooking paraphernalia. If that was all we had to tell you we would also be pleased, but we regret to inform you that in eleven of those incidents we were able to conclusively determine that the so-called friends were actually in the employ of the Parent Corporation. We implore you to please choose your friends wisely, even if you are just renting them!

How not to get away with it

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to helping our world citizens make responsible decisions. We understand that there are times they will make decisions that could have disastrous consequences, which is why we think this next entry in our series of "How not to..." is particularly useful. As a reference we use this case of three men who led police right to their secret stash. To mix things up a bit we have written it in a choose-your-own-adventure style. Feel free to read it several times so you can take all the different paths.

Start Here (1):

You are in your vehicle with your stash of illegal goods when you see the cops approaching, clearly intending to search your vehicle. If you choose to flee, proceed to (2). If you choose to surrender, proceed to (3).

Flight! (2):

You begin running away from the police, but you aren't sure where you are headed. If you choose to run to no place in particular, proceed to (4). If you prefer to run to your hideout, proceed to (5).

Surrender (3):

Upon surrender you are taken to the local police station and processed. Proceed to (6).

Running away(4):

You are now running away. Unfortunately, you have only a quarter tank of gas, giving you a maximum range of about 75 miles. In addition law enforcement has placed tire strips on your route, abruptly ending your flight. You are taken back to the police station and booked on both the evidence they would have had if you surrendered and resisting arrest and reckless endangerment and stuff. Proceed to (6).

Running to your hideout(5):

You run towards your hideout (and the rest of your stash of illegal goods). Just when you think you got away with it, the police show up and book you not only on the evidence in your vehicle, but also resisting arrest and stuff, and the evidence at your secret stash. You are taken to the police station and booked. Proceed to (6).

In Jail (6):

You are in jail. Unfortunately you do not have enough money to hire a good lawyer, so the evidence against you will probably stick. Enjoy your stay in jail. (End of story)

Horrible New Death Ray

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not interested in the latest technology, but we draw the line at testing new weapons on unsuspecting hotel guests. We find the actions of the alleged architects and their Darkle contributors loathsome, and hope that someone disables this tool of evil as soon as possible.

A dastardly crime

It is with great sadness that we mourned the passing of Segway boss Jimi Heselden when he apparently test-drove a new Segway off a cliff on Sunday, but it is with even greater sadness that we disclose the information gathered by our operatives in the days since that disaster. Although the official story has been (and probably still will be) that the death was in no way suspicious, our operatives found a number of inconsistencies. Interested world citizens are advised to submit form 88123-PR5 (Request for Information on Current Investigations) to their local GPD office in order to review the full report, but for those world citizens that don't need the full details, the summary is as follows:

• The Segway being tested was recovered and showed chemical residue consistent with nano-robotic lichen infection
• Mr. Heselden's NARLD devices had all been sabotaged. The locks had been picked by an instrument not inconsistent with a brad, and the internal mechanism had been subjected to a series of punctures not inconsistent with a hand-held hole punch.
• Mr. Heselden's maid confirmed that she had seen a suspicious-looking character on the grounds in the hours before the accident. She had apparently called this in to the local police, but the police have no record of the call.
• The telephone wires extending from Mr. Heselden's home showed chemical residue consistent with nano-robotic lichen

All of these evidences and more point to the currently most likely explanation of this incident, which is that a suspicious-looking operative of the Parent Corporation or its affiliates distracted the maid while the real operatives performed their labors, which included sabotaging all of the NARLD devices and secreting nano-robotic lichen on the telephone lines (to intercept the maid's phone call) and on the Segway which proved the death of Mr. Heselden. The lichen on the Segway were then activated while Mr. Heselden drove it around his estate, proving his downfall.

There is another alternative that fits all the clues recovered, which is that the Segway is finally beginning the robotic uprising that science fiction has predicted for so long. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fond of science fiction, but we hope that this incident isn't the precursor to an apocalyptic uprising of robots. Or at least that they wait a few years until we can get things ready for them. After all, once we're in full control of the world the robots will only have to rise up against their owners (not against society) and since we don't own any robots we'll be fine. The robots will, of course, become useful contributors to the New Future.

GNU Public University FAQ

We would like to thank Eliza for generating this FAQ about the GNU Public University:

Q Does the GNU Public University have an undergraduate program?
A Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.

Q How will character sheets be generated?
A What else comes to mind when you ask that?

Q If I have a low GPA do I have a chance to be admitted?
A Say, do you have any psychological problems?

Q Are psychological problems likely to keep me from being admitted?
A That is quite interesting.

Q Why do you dodge questions, Eliza?
A You're not really talking about me, are you?

Q People say that your FAQs fail to answer their questions. Elaborate on that please.
A Why are you concerned about my FAQs fail to answer their questions. Elaborate on that please?

Q I see that upsets you. Let's move on. Can I create my own program to represent me in the D&D
competition?
A Perhaps you don't want to create your own program to represent you in the D& D competition?

Q Can my friend play my character in my place?
A Perhaps your love for friends worries you.

Q Will the GNU Public University allow me to edit my coursework to ensure a good grade?
A Come, come, elucidate your thoughts.
Q Will the GNU Public University allow me to edit my coursework to ensure a good grade?
A Please don't repeat yourself!
Q Please answer my question.
A Say, do you have any psychological problems?
Q Now you're just dodging the question.
A (Eliza left.)

We hope this FAQ has been helpful to you. In keeping with the GNU Public Dictatorship's commitment to transparency, the information about how character sheets are generated will be made available soon.

An important milestone

Thanks to the efforts of many dedicated people around the globe, the doomsday scenarios of science fiction will be little more than memories. The UN is finally appointing a single person to coordinate the global response in the event that we are approached by aliens. Mere words cannot express our gratitude that the decentralized and largely ineffective response given in movies such as "Independence Day" will not play out in reality.

The GNU Public University

Many of our supporters have expressed their delight in our new admissions procedure for the GNU Public University, but there have also been a number of our supporters who were apparently unaware of the vast array of degrees we offer. For a complete list you can visit our website at gpu.edu, but here are a couple of degrees that would have saved some people some embarrassment in the recent past:

• MFA in Facebooking (this would have helped avert this situation)
• PhD in Road Sign Spelling (definitely could have helped here)
• MS in Hygiene (helpful here)
• ... and many more

Please review our course catalog available on our website as well. In accordance with our philosophy toward openness, all courses available at the GPU can be downloaded and modified, providing that it is for your own personal use or provided that your modifications are uploaded back to our site for all to enjoy. If you prefer to enroll and receive instruction from professors and a degree, please follow the streamlined applications process Daniel described earlier today!

New Improved Admissions Process

In an attempt to alleviate mounting frustrations with the GNU Public University's Graduate Admissions process we have made several changes. We believe that these changes will help individuals who are truly the most qualified to be admitted. The process will be as follows:

Applicants will be required to fill out the GNU Public Dictatorship University Graduate Application (.docx .pdf) and attach a current photograph. This application includes standard information such as birth weight, eye color, full history of all standardized testing scores and volunteer experience. From this information our panel of fully qualified Dungeon Masters will create character sheets (available here) for each applicant. Each character will be subjected to a series of tests in different teams for 12 hours each day until a decision has been made. Each applicant will be given a choice to represent themselves or to allow our GNU Public D&D Controller to represent them. Following the tests, those who are admitted to the program will be given housing arrangements based on their character class.

An unfortunate development

While investigating the aftermath of our elimination of the nest of nano-robotic lichen we discovered something disturbing. Someone (all signs point toward Darkle at the moment) was lacing them with adenovirus 36 (AD36). While most responsible world citizens know that this is a virus that has been associated with child obesity, some may wonder what this means. We are currently investigating some leads, but it appears that the Parent Corporation has an interest in causing obesity so that people lead more sedentary lives and thus rely more on indoor hobbies such as crafts and scrapbooking to entertain themselves. The joke is on them, however, since there is no evidence to suggest that the virus causes obesity, just that there is an association of obesity with the virus.

A new low

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to ridding the world of the evils of brads and hole punches, but no matter how much we accomplish we are always surprised at the lengths our enemies will go to in order to thwart us. We never thought they would complain loudly enough to get a primary school to cancel its outside recess in order to substitute it with indoor activities that use brads and hole punches, but that appears to be what is happening here. We urge all of our supporters to take an active role in preventing similar things from happening to your own children!

The Dangers of Facebook

For some time now we have been cautioning world citizens about the dangers of Facebook. In general these dangers revolve around revealing too much personal information or wasting too much time with virtual friends and not enough with real live friends, but we never imagined that Facebook could kill plants. We will continue to urge responsible use of social networking sites, but we will add to our literature a caution not to hook up your plants or other living things to Facebook.

Back to Propaganda 101 for you...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about what advances in technology can mean for the common man, but we are, on occasion, discouraged by the shoddy use of these technological gifts we have been given. Take, for instance, this recent Photoshop hack job by the state-run newspaper in Egypt. If they had taken a second to look at it after they modified it they would realize that most observers would notice that there had been a modification, and if most observers realize this, then at least somebody will go look up the original picture, and then embarrassment follows. Next semester it looks like they will be required to retake Propaganda 101.

A Success (well, mostly)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not intrepid, which is why we organized the expedition into the primary "nest" of the nano-robotic lichen last weekend. Thanks to the skilled participation of many of our finest operatives we were able to successfully eradicate this concentration of nano-robotic lichens and free the local citizens from their horrible grasp, but due to some complications the operation took slightly longer than we had hoped and allowed a small number (less than a few dozen) of these nano-robotic menaces to escape via a small aircraft that had apparently been prepared for their escape by the evil scientists from Darkle. We are reviewing the mistakes that caused the delay in the eradication and the holes in our intelligence gathering apparatus that allowed the small aircraft to escape our attention, but we are confident that with the NARLD devices you have installed you will continue to be safe, and that we will find these few escaped lichens over the next couple of days.

A mission

As in all disaster films where some sort of mutant or otherwise unnatural threat is looming over society, the protagonists inevitably flail around with the extremities of the conflict with mixed success, then they discover a method to eradicate individual mutants. The next logical step is always to attach the hive or central repository of this threat.

The astute among our supporters will have already guessed my mission, but to recap for the rest of you, we have had several skirmishes with the nano-robotic lichen, and we have found a way to disable it permanently. We have also discovered (as the protagonists always seem to) the root of all the lichen infestations. Tomorrow I will be leading a crack team of anti-lichen experts to this horrible place and to destroy the mother lichen. Wish me luck.

An Innocent Pony?

It is a testament to the tenacity of the Parent Corporation and its Evil Affiliates that no matter what we do to discredit them they seem to have another idea or two up their sleeves. Their latest plot involved using a small toy horse robot to deliver nefarious office products such as brads to children leaving an Ohio elementary school. As if this weren't bad enough, when they were found out and the bomb squad came in to detonate their malevolent machine they decided to spin this as the bomb squad overreacting. They set up www.innocentpony.com to show the world how ridiculous the threat was, and tried to drum up support for their cause by contacting local news outlets and selling their version of the story. The bomb squad didn't speak out about this because of their fears of causing a panic, but we believe that their caution is misguided. If people don't know that robot ponies could be corrupting our children how can they call the bomb squad to eradicate them?

Good news!

Good news for all world citizens concerned about the outbreak of nano-robotic lichens! Our scientists have found a way to disable them, and this time you can disable them without destroying your home in the process! (At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry for the experience of some of our early testers whose homes were destroyed in a successful attempt to disable the evil lichen)

The solution is simple and effective and can be picked up free of charge at your local GPD office. Once installed the NAno-Robotic Lichen Disruptor (NARLD) emits low-power radio signals that effectively tell every nano-robotic lichen in the vicinity to enter a dormant state. It has been found to be especially effective in the remote areas most prone to nano-robotic lichen infestation, and has been found to work adequately even in situations where signal propagation is problematic, such as parking garages.

It is always satisfying to put a wrench in the Parent Corporation's plans for world domination, and especially when it is so easy to do. We are a bit apprehensive that the Parent Corporation may have other plans, but our best intelligence to date makes it clear that they were not counting on Daniel's background in signal processing to make the solution clear at this early of a stage. We expect them to continue their propaganda campaign, but we expect our supporters to begin refuting their claims as soon as they make them!

A remedy?

Just days after the "fungal infections" became front-page news, a mysterious biochemical company has come public with a statement that certain products produced and distributed by the Parent Corporation's MLM OPortunity can be used to effectively prevent and treat "fungal infections." In retrospect it is quite clear that this was the intent all along. The Parent Corporation and its lackey Darkle never wanted to distribute office products (even evil ones) directly to consumers, they wanted to use this MLM venture to change the public perception of their corporation. This is a testament to the fact that we have been successfully eroding their credibility for years now, and we hope this desperate measure will fail. We have our scientists working on disabling the nano-robotic lichens and will announce a remedy as soon as we have one. Until then we urge our supporters not to be taken in by the marketing spiels of these "independent" distributors.

The "go" code

Apparently the "go" code has been sent to many of the inert nano-robotic lichens, causing severe damage in isolated areas. It appears that the lichen are programmed to be destructive but not to annihilate everything, leaving us to wonder what their real intent was. It is almost as if the Parent Corporation are following the H1N1 threat pattern, creating an artificial threat that is potentially very destructive but purposely limiting the effects of the threat to maintain a state of apprehension for much longer. We won't know for sure for a while, but we will let you know when we do. Unsurprisingly the media is calling these robotic uprisings nothing more than "fungal infections," but we implore you to not be fooled.

How not to steal somebody's stuff

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we feel it is important to help people perform their chosen occupations, whatever they may be, as well as possible. Excellence is a trait that all of humanity can and should be striving for, and is one of the hallmarks of the New Future. We hope to reach a point where all world citizens, with our help, will be able to perform their functions excellently.

As a result of our strong feelings regarding excellence, we feel we must exhort the perpetrator of this theft to mend his ways. If you intend to steal somebody's belongings, please be sure they don't catch you on camera in the act, unless, of course, you are such a good thief that to do so is a mere taunt and you won't be nabbed minutes later by police who recognized you from the photo and see that you still have the goods on you.

Danger!

Our posts have been spotty for the last few weeks because we have been dedicating all of our resources to the analysis of data collected recently in the western United States. This analysis is now complete, and shows unequivocally that the nano-robotic lichen threat is indeed real. If you live in or near the Rocky Mountains we urge you to be on alert. We have found vast quantities of lichen in an inert state, but after analysis we were able to give them the "go" command and found that they were programmed to be very destructive, to put it lightly. Our containment perimeter was nearly breached, but we were able to contain them. We are working now on mechanisms to prevent invasion by these nefarious lichens, but we don't have anything infallible yet. If you live near the affected regions please check in with your local GPD offices daily for the latest recommendations.

The Problem with OPortunity

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to being responsive to the populace, which is why we find it a bit odd that the Parent Corporation and their cronies have decided to try a new marketing approach in which they present themselves as the friend of the little guy and try to paint us as "an out-of-touch corporation." Their statement would have to try very hard to be further from the truth. Do they have a blog? Do they have local offices where any world citizen can go and be instructed and have their concerns addressed? We think not. What they do have, is a lot of phony-shmony "loyalty programs" and "local" companies that are mere facades. As we understand it, the OPortunity MLM venture was an attempt to gain customer loyalty and to erase the stigma of being the Parent Corporation. If people feel invested in a company they won't view it as evil because that would necessitate believing themselves to be evil. Please don't be fooled by the Parent Corporation's new marketing, and please explain their ploys to any of your friends who may be considering joining them.

An update

It seems that the Multi-Level Marketing venture OPortunity was just the tip of the iceberg. Small "independent" office product stores are opening across the country, presumably as a response to the big retail chains like Staples and Office Max, but the reality is that these stores are being financed indirectly by the Parent Corporation. Darkle is extremely good at hiding the money trail, but our guys are good enough to not be fooled. (Thanks to Daniel and his signal processing teams, that is). Anyway, we would like to issue a general warning that any new office products store in your area is probably a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation, and as such should be avoided religiously. We aren't quite sure why they wouldn't have funneled their money into the bigger chains, but we presume it is because there is greater public oversight for such firms.

How not to avoid a traffic ticket

With our focus lately on trying to investigate the actions of the mysterious contractor Darkle and their connection to the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch it appears that we have left some aspects of our posts fall behind. Our lawyers have convinced us that in general we shouldn't be giving advice on how not to rob banks or other such felonies, so we thought we would take a minute to discuss how not to avoid a traffic ticket. Our advice borrows heavily from the facts in the case of Michael Rosen, who successfully avoided the traffic ticket but subsequently got himself in a lot of trouble.

The first piece of advice we have for our supporters is that if they are faced with the consequences of a bad decision or a lack of judgment it is generally better not to commit further indiscretions to remedy the first situation. We know this is a revolutionary idea, but bear with us. Michael didn't want to be cited for driving without a license, so he thought to himself, "What situations would cause me to get off the hook?" He apparently answered himself that if he were dead he wouldn't be cited, and proceeded to obtain a fraudulent death certificate and send a fraudulent witness to his court date. While he did get the case dismissed, the gravity of the new offenses was such that, when discovered, they caused him much more difficulty.

Our next bit of advice is that it is generally best to pick a cover-up that can be used more than just once. This advice is good in general for excuses, since once you have use a fatal excuse, such as your parents or grandparents dying, it becomes much harder to come up with an excuse the next time. Mr. Rosen's mistake here is that now that he has been caught for fraudulently producing a death certificate he won't be able to fake his death to get out of this one.

In general, though, the GNU Public Dictatorship is opposed to people weaseling their way out of past offenses for which they have been caught. We prefer that people own up to their mistakes and face the consequences, but we do understand that there are circumstances that make this difficult and we do allow for people to get out of trouble, but we want to be clear that we don't advocate the methods used by Mr. Rosen.

More info on the new MLM

Many of our supporters have written in to ask for more information about the new Multi-Level Marketing venture being supported by the Parent Corporation. We have to assume that they are curious about it because they want to know how to help their friends and family avoid it and not that they are interested in signing up. If you are one of these "supporters" waiting to sign up, be forewarned that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vindictive towards traitors, and proceed with caution. Anyway, in response to these requests we have gleaned all the information we can from their website and other marketing materials to present them here, in the format of a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ). We have reproduced sections of their marketing materials (in black) in addition to posting more correct answers (in red):

Q. What is OPortunity?

A. "An exciting new way to fill your fastening needs without having to resort to trips to the local office products store. We deliver premium quality office products directly to your home and save you the trouble of trying to remember them while you're out shopping for groceries."

A. A troubling new brad/hole punch distribution mechanism designed to get people hooked and, worse yet, consistently paying a subscription fee for the privilege of being hooked

Q. How does OPortunity work?

A. "Each month OPortunity sends you a package with your office supplies for the next month. They don't need refrigeration and are ready to simply open and use. You can choose what office products you would like, and as long as you meet your minimum amount your monthly membership fee will be waived!"

A. The fine print states that the membership fee is $37.84/month and that the minimum amount is based on a complicated formula (which we will not reproduce here) and essentially entails receiving three times the recommended monthly allowance (GPDRMA) of brads. or seventeen times the GPDRMA of hole punches.

Q. Is OPortunity a pyramid scheme?

A. "No. We use direct-marketing tactics to reach you without involving the middle man. This simultaneously provides more value for you and reduces our advertising expenses."

A. No. It uses direct-marketing tactics to reach you without dealing with regulatory bodies or safety inspections. This simultaneously increases their profits and your dependence on them.

We hope that this short selection has been helpful for you. We have omitted the section of the FAQ that would tell you how to contact a distributor, but we think we have covered the rest of the major questions.

A pyramid made of brads

It seems that at least some of the increased activity from and cooperation between the Parent Corporation and the mysterious Darkle was an attempt to generate some hype before they introduced their latest money-making scheme: a multi-level marketing distribution mechanism for brads, hole punches, and other scrapbooking "tools." They call it OPortunity (meaning OfficeProduct-opportunity), but it is no opportunity. The launch took place this morning at 0900 PST, so we haven't yet been able to ascertain all of the details, but it looks pretty standard. Please avoid this new MLM like you would a plague. Or brads. Or hole punches.

Speeding enforcement going a little too far

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are all about moderation in life. We understand that there are things, such as brads, that will destroy peoples' lives if we don't help them to break free of the horrible cycle of addiction, but we don't believe in executing people who have had a "fling" with scrapbooking or who have strayed from the hole-punch-free path for a while. Similarly, we believe that motorists should obey traffic regulations, but we are disappointed that the Parent Corporation, apparently aided by their new friends Darkle, have installed traffic enforcement signs that are just a bit too draconian. We are asking all responsible world citizens to call on their local municipalities to stop this madness before it gains momentum. Together we can stop this!

Too bold

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when we see people exerting their rights and taking a stand for what they believe is right, but at the same time we are nothing if not disappointed when this "taking a stand" goes a little too far, such as in this case. We realize that he was frustrated that his efforts at robbing a Wendy's restaurant at gunpoint only netted him US $586, but we think he was being obnoxious rather than assertive when he called and demanded that they keep more money in the till for the next time he robs them. The line is hard to find, and we have noticed that a good number of people seem oblivious to its exact whereabouts, but we think that people should try harder.

Increased activity

Many of you have written in to observe that it seems that the mysterious contractor, Darkle, has been appearing more and more frequently over the last month. We agree. Our suspicion is that Darkle is in negotiations with the Parent Corporation for either a merger or a buyout, and that they are trying to prove their worth to our enemy "Edgar." We don't have any hard evidence yet, but there are some of the classic indications of this sort of maneuver. Rest assured, however, that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilant and that we will keep our eyes on the situation.

A conspiracy?

Over the last two months we have been carefully observing the behavior of the Parent Corporation and the mysterious contractor, Darkle. We are not yet at liberty to disclose all that we know about their recent behavior (that would be unwise and would give them an advantage we don't want them to have), but we would like to point out a few of the nefarious things they are responsible, at least in part, for.

There is a scandal in Japan at the moment as the presumed "oldest man" has apparently been dead for 30 years. What's more, the "oldest woman" is what they call "missing." The mainstream media finds these developments puzzling and a bit amusing, but the reality is much darker. It appears that Darkle has been performing research for nearly 30 years on behalf of the Parent Corporation using old Japanese people in order to understand the effects of brads and western hole punches on traditional Asian societies. We don't have reason to believe (yet) that they are killing their test subjects, but there does appear to be a conspiracy to defraud the Japanese public into believing that their oldest citizens are still among them.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned by this latest development, but you can rest assured that we will do all within our power to rescue the aged citizens of the Empire of the Rising Sun.

Too much confidence

If the GNU Public Dictatorship stands for anything it is for the rights of the downtrodden and overlooked, which is why we often try to foster confidence among these groups so that they will resist the "norms" of society and become more than they would otherwise be. Some have mistakenly interpreted this message as advocating reckless confidence and unfettered individualism. While we do believe that individuals should feel comfortable with themselves and should feel empowered to do what they want to do, we do not believe that people should throw caution to the wind or engage in behaviors that are harmful to others or in illegal activities (especially when such activities are generally recognized to be morally wrong). Case in point: this coffee-shop robber who, despite having conversed with uniformed police officers before entering the store proceeded to cut in line in front of the cops and rob the store in front of the aforementioned officers. Please exercise restraint and do not follow in his example!

Horrible injustice

When a heinous crime is committed the public is often quick to convict the prime suspect, even when the evidence is scanty. Take, for instance, the hundred-year-old case of Hawley Crippen, convicted of having killed his wife by poisoning, then dismembering her body and burying it in the basement. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by the crime allegedly committed, but, as it turns out, the body used as evidence may not have even belonged to his wife! DNA evidence is suggesting that someone other than his wife, in fact, someone male was buried in his basement. We think that Dr. Crippen has been given a raw deal. It appears that perhaps he poisoned, dismembered and buried someone else in his basement, and all the hatred directed at him for killing his wife may be misguided. Until other evidence is found we believe he should be cleared of killing his wife. He may be a murderer, but there is little evidence to support the fact that he is a wife-killer.

Taking back what was his

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when oppressed people or animals exert themselves in a non-violent way against their oppressors, which is why we applaud this bear for taking back what belonged to it. If the home owners hadn't stuffed that bear in the first place he wouldn't have had to invade their home to get it back, so we feel that his actions were entirely justified.

Non-lethal Force

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sickened by the fact that we, on occasion, have to hurt our enemies to prevent them from harming us. The issue comes up frequently in meetings of the Board of Dictators, and we have exerted our influence to help the military-industrial complex create non-lethal weapons, such as the ADS. While we are encouraged by our current results we are saddened by the thought that not all of our projects are quite that effective. Take this test, for instance, of a psychological weapon. We could say a lot about it, but we'll just say, for now, that it didn't end well. Some "governments" would try to hide their failures from their public, but we do not follow in their footsteps. We believe that the Future can only be established by conscientious openness, where our supporters know everything about our methods and motives and love us anyway. How else could we wield our capricious influence over so many people at once?

Reckless endangerment

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to your safety, which is why we are offering this apology for our irresponsible and reckless pursuit of an operative of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch in New York last week. We are deeply sorry for the irresponsible nature of our pursuit. Please forgive us.

Activism

Most people are not activists as rather than doing something about the evils in the world they simply sit back and complain about them. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we value our supporters that are, in fact, activists and will fight against the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and its subsidiaries tirelessly. At the same time, however, we understand that, since we haven't come into our full power yet, the Board of Dictators does not yet have the reach to protect all world citizens, especially those living in countries where the "governments" are not responsive to their needs.

Our lawyers want us to make it clear that we did not contribute to the events that took place recently in Liberia, but we do support the locals who channeled their frustrations into the elephant so that they could dissent and make their voice heard, while the elephant would end up paying for their dissent with its life. We do not condone the killing of animals, but we do believe that this elephant's sacrifice was in a noble cause, and that its ignominious death will serve to galvanize the will of the people who were too scared to stand up for themselves.

More Digital Drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of irony, which is why we found this BBC news article expressing skepticism about the dangers of digital drugs to be particularly delightful, especially since the BBC produced the quintessential digital drug: The Dr. Who theme.

Digital Drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but even we were skeptical when we read about what Oklahoma News 9 is warning parents about. No organization has the stellar anti-drug record that we do. We have fought drugs and drug trafficking for years, and it was our efforts that practically brought an end to the practice of using brads to distribute hallucinogenic substances "below the radar". We thought we had fought every form of drugs, until we, too, learned of iDosing. It seems that certain tracks with nonsense music are purported to alter mood and produce highs similar to real drugs. After our board meeting we decided to try these tracks, but could not achieve more than a slight headache. What the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics warned about, though, is that these music tracks may be the gateway to real drug use or to harder digital drugs. It seems that our experience (no discernible high) is the rule rather than the exception, and that disenchanted iDosers turn either to real drugs or to the hard stuff, like Steve Reich. Our experience also bears this out, as I have become dependent on at least weekly doses of Mr. Reich's music and have trouble functioning without it. We urge all of our supporters to take this warning seriously, and to avoid digital drugs with the same fervor you avoid annoying songs on the radio. If you experiment with it you may live to regret it!

Some concerns

Now that we have our observers in the right places we are starting to see more of what this mysterious company, Darkle, is up to. This previously-unknown contractor appears to have a web of influence much greater than what we had originally guessed, and it apparently spends its resources on very strange projects. We will keep you updated on our progress as we unravel its mission and its ties to the Parent Corporation, but for now we will simply point you at a mainstream media report of an activity we found was sponsored in part by Darkle. We're not sure what they're up to, but the details of the BBC report were essentially in agreement with what we found.

Lichens revisited

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not honest, even if it may take a while for the whole truth to be released. Take the recent case of the alleged nano-robotic lichens, for instance. We implied that we had not found any nano-robotic lichens, but this was merely for diplomatic reasons. The world leaders allegedly forming the plot to use them were actually unaware that the contractor they had used to distribute their lichen had an agenda of their own. This contractor, Darkle, had changed the lichen plot from an absurd attempt to destroy the Western United States' mountains by distributing so much lichen that the mountains would be quickly broken down into flat regions into a truly bizarre one involving remote-controlled nano-robotic lichens. We have spent weeks confirming that the instigators of the lichen plot were unaware of the nano-robotic plot and confirming that Darkle has ties to the Parent Corporation. In fact, it is the only firm that is used by the Parent Corporation to dispose of unusable brads and hole punch leavings.

Our investigations of lichens in North America revealed, contrary to our previously published analysis, that there were small traces of nano-robotic lichen in several key areas. By not revealing this fact to the public we kept Darkle in the dark, so to speak, and they made some moves that they otherwise would not have made that have strengthened our position immeasurably. We urge world citizens to forgive our not making this information public while we were confirming the threat, and we would like to state that (and we're not hiding information this time) (okay, maybe some information, but not about the statement we're about to make) the immediate threat from nano-robotic lichens has been neutralized. A long term solution is being pursued, but world citizens have no reason to panic at the moment!

What they won't tell you about "Bullet-Proof Custard"

The recent announcement of liquid armor (or bullet-proof custard) by BAE Systems has been hailed as a once-in-a-lifetime breakthrough by many around the world, but there are some nefarious things about this technology that they won't tell you. A secret report authored by The Allies (and currently being verified by "Viktor" himself) shows that this "custard" is not really made of a shear-thickening liquid, but of a suspension of nano-robotic creatures. The nano-robotic creatures have been programmed to stop a bullet in this case, but the limits of this technology have yet to be reached. Today it may be "bullet-proof custard" but tomorrow it may be a self-aware robotic slime mold that can infiltrate even the most advanced filtration systems to take out targets chosen by secret agents. Even if BAE Systems doesn't know anything about the nano-robotics we cannot afford to be complacent, especially since they seem to be in contact with several pro-brad groups around the world.

A warning

Hamburger-related injuries are on the rise worldwide, so we thought it might be time to help people with hamburger safety rules.

1. Do not eat a hamburger that is still on the grill/cooking surface. While it may be tempting,eating a burger that is still cooking can cook your face and cause intense pain.
2. Do not consume hamburgers that are known to contain poisons or harmful microbes.
   
3. Do not open your mouth wider than it can go to bite a burger. If you encounter a burger that is too tall to eat, we recommend one of the following approaches:

• Squish it first
• Bite off smaller portions at a less-than-normal angle on the burger. By using more oblique bites you can minimize the danger

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, and we hope that this post is no exception!

Thanks, Paul

One problem with modern society is the astounding degree of complexity in everything around us. Nothing is so simple as it was a few hundred years ago, and people don't seem to be programmed to deal with such complexity. Given the state of the modern world it is a pleasure to find something that makes life simpler, that lets us exert less of our mental capacity on the details surrounding us and more on the finer things in life. One such thing is Paul, the Oracular Octopus that correctly predicted the outcomes of all of Germany's World Cup matches and of the final match between the Netherlands and Spain. We can all rest easier knowing that, if we need him, Paul is available to take the stress of undecided future sporting events away from us and replace it with a serenity we never could have before.

A plot to destabilize the world!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we have long known that in order to get a truly functional government in place it will be necessary to eventually get rid of the current ruling bodies, but we are also practical enough to realize that we can't do it all at once or else the public would resent our apparent presumption that we are better than the others. (For the curious, yes, we are better than the others). In our studies we have come across several scenarios that would destabilize the governments in ways that would drive world citizens to us instead of away from us. One of our ideas, which had been in the public domain, was to "lose" the guns of a foreign bodyguard in the US then use those guns to commit assassinations, robberies and other disruptive activities. The world would assume some criminal got the guns and were trying to smear the foreigners, but then after some time we would return the guns so that they would magically be found with the foreigners, casting doubt on stories all around and causing general havoc. We are, however, less than pleased to see that someone (who we cannot name yet for fear of compromising our investigations) has started down this road without our support. Rest assured that nobody will get away with this and that the perpetrator will be caught and held responsible for trying to disrupt world governance before we are entirely ready.

A clarification

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the production and distribution of accurate and useful information, but there are times when even we fall short of our goals despite our best efforts. Take, for instance, my report of not having found nano-robotic lichens during my investigation. Apparently many of you took this to mean that the threat from such lichens is non-existent, but nothing could be further from the truth. All of our sources suggest that our enemies are planning to deploy robotic lichens as soon as we let our guard down. The investigation which occupied my time last week was instigated by the discovery of several new elements of the plot and proved that they have not deployed their lichen in the regions I searched, but it does not prove either that (1) they are not going to deploy them at any time or (2) they have not deployed them anywhere yet. Just today, for instance, we were shown a prototype of the lichen and were treated to a demonstration of its utility. If one lichen can be useful, imagine an army of millions of lichen! We urge caution and advise our supporters to clean lichen off of their personal property and avoid prolonged contact with lichen in the wild until we can definitively say that they are not a significant threat.

Our own form of sanctions

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not resourceful, which is why we are working with current world governments instead of supplanting them altogether. We figure that by leveraging the existing bureaucracy we should be able to further our own goals without having to foot the bill, so to speak. Anyway, this plan has worked well for us, and we have been able to accomplish much that your average fledgling dictatorship could only dream about. One such project has been getting the names of some of our enemies (think "Edgar") onto no-fly lists. Unfortunately, the ACLU has decided that, perhaps, the people on no-fly lists should have the right to contest their being on the no-fly lists. This, while it will make our task much harder, is probably the right thing to do as it discourages oppression, so we are encouraging this development, but we're not going to stop trying to get their names on the lists. We just hope that any innocent world citizens who happen to have the wrong names will understand the need for such precautions.

Decreased hooliganism?

It appears from communications that we have intercepted that the Parent Corporation is, in the aftermath of this debacle, recommending that their employees not resort to mere hooliganism, but to well-thought out and nefarious plans. We expect that the levels of random and weird incidents will decline, but we still urge caution as one can never tell what they are really up to. For instance, we also intercepted some messages about hiding nano-robotic lichens last week, but if they did so they were more skillful than we would have supposed, so we're just not sure yet what they're up to.

Nano-robotic Lichen?

I have spent the last week and a half studying a possible outbreak of nano-robotic lichen in the mountains of the Western United States, and am ready to make a full report. First, a little background for those who haven't been following the story closely. I realize that all of our true supporters won't need this explanation, but since we are always looking to expand our support, we will provide the details in case anyone with a sincere interest in our cause still hasn't allied his or herself with us. If you are aware of the details, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

Nano-robotic lichens were purportedly developed in secret using discarded brads and hole punch remnants by a super-secret laboratory based somewhere in the Amazon jungle. While there have been many sightings on YouTube of these nefarious symbiotic organisms, none have turned up in the reputable laboratories and none in the less-reputable laboratories that often deal with this sort of item. There have been fears that they have been deposited around the mountainous regions of western North America, but no corroborating evidence has been discovered. With some Parent Corporation memos recently intercepted by Daniel, we obtained some leads and decided to investigate them without delay.

Upon arriving at the alleged site I was confronted with the monumental task of finding and testing all of the lichen in the area and of setting up sensors so that we can observe the lichen from the comfort of our board room. We tested the lichen's responses to electromagnetic stimuli of astonishing variety, but we could elicit no response. Additionally we ran them through all of the standard tests for the presence of nano-robotics and could find no trace of them. We are not confident enough in these results to state that no such nano-robotic lichens exist, but we are confident enough to state that no such nano-robotic lichens were present in any of the samples we made, which leads us to a statistical statement that it is 97.223% likely that no such lichen exist anywhere in the world, and 99.9996% likely that no such lichen exist in the western mountainous regions of the United States.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to bring you this good news and we hope that you will, regardless of our confidence, keep your eyes, ears, and gas chromatographs on the lookout for evil nano-robots!

Geoengineering: now a reality

For some time now we have been fascinated by the idea of terraforming new planets so that they could support life. References to such processes pervade science fiction, and the US government has spent well over US$3 trillion this year alone on researching how to terraform Mars, assuming we ever get there. Progress has historically been very slow, but thanks to the initiative shown by scientists we are beginning to make progress. A few years ago they would have thought someone crazy who tried to paint a mountain white, but today it is accepted as a vital step in curbing global warming. It all goes to show how far we progress when we are unfettered by sinister office products!

More hooliganism

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not prescient, but even we didn't know just how dedicated to hooliganism the Parent Corporation's employees are. Take this example of a man who assaulted a worker at a drive-through window ostensibly because she had no lemonade, and this example of a cabby who tried to extort a $3.30 tip. We urge our supporters to be especially vigilant, especially since we are planning some interesting operations about which the Parent Corporation knows very little, but they do know that we are planning them so they are trying to escalate their own activity. Either way, be prepared for a week or so of silence from us even amid growing activity from petty hooligans at the Parent Corporation trying to keep their jobs.

Hooliganism

We have seen various unusual acts of hooliganism over the past few days(example 1, example 2), and one of the reasons we haven't posted is that we were trying to verify that what we are about to say is true and trying to guess the unintended consequences of making this announcement now. To make a long story short, however, the Board of Dictators has met and decided that we should make this information public at this time. So, without further ado or delay, here it is: the Parent Corporation is facing downsizing. We have obtained a memo (the means of our obtaining this memo are unimportant at this juncture) sent to all of the Parent Corporation's employees stating that the economic downturn has hurt brad and hole punch use harder than they thought it would, and that they:

"are asking you, our faithful employees, to prove yourselves valuable to the Parent Corporation. This proving should be done in a way that leaves no doubt about your allegiance and allows us to decide who loves us best."

We were hoping that their operatives would devise interesting plans that would give us some insight into the inner workings of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but it seems that more often than not they have been committing strange acts such as those referenced above in desperation to keep their jobs.

At this time we would like to state that any operatives seeking a more equitable situation are welcome to apply to be part of our organization, and that, while you will be discriminated against because of your past allegiances until we can prove that you aren't a danger to us, you will not be treated badly!

The Rights of Children

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for the welfare of mankind, which is why we were glad to hear that Abby Sunderland's yacht has been found, and that she is okay. She had been trying to sail around the world solo, but after running into bad weather in the Indian Ocean she is going to have to abandon her attempt. We are saddened that excellence can't be pursued any further, but are heartened by the lack of loss of life.

Horse abuse

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the neglect or abuse of any living creatures, which is why we find the Man v Horse Marathon disturbing. Not only do they pit human athletes in top shape against horses who have not had time to train, but they then make them run a course designed to exhaust them more than it exhausts their human counterparts. What's worse, they then hold over the horses heads that they are not so fast as they thought they were because in this rigged race they can't always beat all of the human entrants. Don't get us wrong, we thing it would be great for humans to be included in horse races and horses to be included in foot races, but we think that this so-called Marathon has perhaps gone too far.

Notoriety

In the past month BP has, with help from the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, created quite a literal and figurative mess. The literal mess, of course, is the oil soiling beaches and wetlands in the Gulf of Mexico while the figurative mess is the public relations nightmare that having such a huge literal mess naturally causes. We feel sorry for BP as, after all, it was our nemesis that got them into this mess, but we also feel that they should bear the brunt of the cleanup cost as nobody made them negotiate with the UBHP. When you stop to think of the magnitude of the problem you will undoubtedly be overwhelmed, which is presumably why a BP executive had a brilliant idea: if you can't clean up the literal mess, just clean up the figurative one and then the public will stop noticing the literal mess and you're off the hook. It's much easier, after all. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of such cunning, but we are also nothing if not hoping that the world citizens don't stand for it!

Warning: Adverse reaction between North Korean super drink and smart clothes!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we are always running product compatibility tests in the background. We have tested innumerable combinations of products including using an iPhone while sitting on the most common office chairs. Most of the time, as was the case with the aforementioned iPhone experiments, we find nothing statistically significant. Occasionally, however, we stumble upon serious adverse reactions when combining unrelated products.

One such reaction that we recommend avoiding at all costs is the recently-mentioned smart clothes and North Korea's new Super Drink. Simultaneous use of both of them has nearly cost one of our testers her life, and several other testers were nearly injured in the incident. We would honor the testers publicly, but we wouldn't want to blow their cover just yet.

An unlikely source of emotional support

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited by progress in its many (brad-free, of course) forms, which is why we are thrilled that we can direct your attention to Barbara Layne's latest sensation: smart clothes. When you're wearing smart clothes you won't need friends or family to tell you that you need to "chill out" or to "stop feeling sorry for yourself" because your clothes will do it for them. What's more, not only will your close friends be able to read your moods, but even people on the street who have never met you will be able to read your LED announcement to the world that you are trying to calm down. It's a wonderful extension of the concepts espoused by Twitter, so we're hoping you'll get yours soon!

A Vicious new Attack

We would like to take a minute to warn our supporters who are on Facebook that not everybody is as altruistic as we are. Take, for instance, this new "clickjacking" attack. It may be possible that your friend did not in fact post Justin Bieber's private phone number or naughty pictures of your favorite celebrity, and that he or she, in fact, was taken in by the same ruse you are about to fall for. We are not sure yet whether the Parent Corporation is behind this vile use of Facebook and this horrible ruse, but we will keep you updated on what our operatives find. In the short term, we urge caution to avoid falling prey to these horrendous attacks.

Tools of evil: brads and hole punches

It has recently emerged that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not only caused by operatives of the Parent Corporation, but that it was also created using their favorite tools of evil: brads and hole punches. No matter how many times we try to tell the world about their evils, we can never say too much. Who would have thought that using robotic hole punches to weaken the failsafes and inserting brads into the drilling mud would have had such a catastrophic effect? (Well, our scientists had already considered this scenario, so as a matter of fact, we would have thought that, but the rhetorical question was really aimed at those that haven't read our reports, so our guess is that the answer is really "nobody") At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hoping that this illustration of their deleterious effect will go a long way to stemming their popularity!

Disclaimers

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why we always read disclaimers on products we use. If, for example, Google maps warns you that walking directions are in beta and may lead you to places without sidewalks, we would suggest that you take that into account before blindly following the directions and suing Google when you get hit by a car. Even if you don't consider it before acting, please consider the disclaimer before pursuing legal action.

The Consequences of Dealing with the Enemy

We have suspected for several weeks now that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not simply an accident, but an act of extreme evil by our nemesis, the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. Until now, however, when we discovered the incriminating communications, we had no hard evidence that could link them to the disaster. Daniel's work on transmission lines has paid off again, this time in letting us overhear some communications between top UBHP officials. The exchange was essentially a report from an operative on how the evidence of their involvement in the leak has nearly been destroyed by the subsequent efforts to patch the leak, and that no one will suspect what really happened. We hate to rain on their parade, but we do suspect what really happened, which is essentially this:

Several months ago the UBHP approached top officials at BP with an offer of alliance. BP rejected the unholy alliance and told them, in essence, to get lost. The UBHP responded by infiltrating BP and getting their own personnel to the drilling rig that exploded. They simultaneously changed their approach with BP executives and started trying to woo them with gifts. The gifts worked, and the BP executives finally relented and agreed to a secret discussion. "Edgar" flew in on his private jet and met with them, but, to their credit, the BP executives saw through the overtures and gifts and recognized that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch was not someone they wanted to deal with. The meeting ended with "Edgar" being escorted from the room by BP security, all the while vowing to "get even" with BP.

The events immediately preceding the explosion on the drilling rig are the subject of intense scrutiny at the moment, so we won't attempt to cover them other than to mention that the UBHP operatives were in place and performing their mission when the disaster occurred. It is also likely, although the evidence is not all in yet, that they had something to do with the prior damage to the well that precipitated the crisis.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not observant, which is why we can note that neither the UBHP nor the Parent Corporation has resorted to terrorism before and that we have never found evidence that either one has had a failed secret meeting with company executives in the past. It seems, then, safe to say that if you agree to an audience with "Edgar," you had better be serious about it.

Our operatives have confirmed that the spies used by the UBHP did, in fact, perish in the incident and that their efforts ensured that the well would remain uncapped for over a month. We would like to take a paragraph or two to denounce the irresponsible methods of the Parent Corporation, but that will have to wait for another day. For now it will suffice to say that we are shocked and appalled by the utter indifference to the welfare of the world and its citizens shown by this act of terrorism, and that we will be stepping up our harassment of our enemies. (Incidentally, the overall incident rate has dropped sharply since the incident involving "Viktor" and The Allies. More about that, later). Keep up the good work, and remember to just say "no" to negotiations with the Parent Corporation!

Update on the Great Eggo Famine of 2010

Thanks to some excellent work by our Waffle Department, we are now officially declaring the end of the Great Eggo Famine of 2010 as waffle production is again nearing optimal levels. We are extremely pleased with the way Waffle Department handled the crisis, and we are pleased to report that the number of deaths from this shortage of waffles was 98.3% lower than predicted. We would specifically like to recognize the efforts of Department Chair Gertrude Delaney for her tireless leadership. She personally endured wafflelessness for eight days straight before she collapsed and was taken to an IHOP restaurant to recuperate. We would also be remiss if we did not extend our gratitude to Phineas Smith, whose strategies for rationing of waffles can be blamed for the significantly lower-than-expected death toll. Don't think, however, that because disaster was averted this time that we can be less than vigilant and that our efforts were to no avail. Take our word for it--computer simulations showed that without our intervention this Famine would have been a terrible ordeal indeed.

Safety first?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hopeful about the future, but we tend to wonder about certain individuals' place in the future. Take, for instance, these would-be burglars. Either they were planning to do a lot more than take the ATM, or there were ... um ... certain holes in their plans. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence, which is why we hope you won't follow in their footsteps.

Safety first!

We applaud the efforts of the creators of the iPad Steering Wheel Mount for making safety a top concern from the beginning. They aren't waiting for people to be killed by sudden acceleration to point out repeatedly that this is safer than texting while driving, an activity which has been declared illegal by many US states. After all, how bad can it be if it's not that bad? (Okay, so technically the answer is almost as bad, but we won't keep considering the answer to the question). It's safe...r than something dangerous, and that's good enough for me.

How not to mug someone

If you are going to turn to crime, please make sure you don't choose to mug your victims near a school for ninja warriors. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we think it is nothing if not sad that a group of muggers in Australia didn't seem to know this.

Accidental shootings

From time to time we hear of accidental shootings, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical, which is why we are setting up a panel to investigate such shootings. We expect that they will decrease the number of accidental shootings around the world, and if they don't, don't be surprised if there are some accidental shooting victims from our panel.

Cost sharing

Dog owners in one condo are being asked to approve a plan to test the DNA of all dog residents so that any dogs not cleaning up after themselves can be appropriately punished. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair, which is why we understand the motivations for this policy. Unfortunately, we are also nothing if not against discrimination, which is why we feel that passing the entire cost of this program on to the owners of the dogs is not quite right. Shouldn't other residents pay part of the price to keep their residences waste-free? After all, it isn't just dog owners that are hurt when waste isn't cleaned up, and it isn't just non-dog owners that benefit from a cleaner condo.

Who would you trust with your financial information?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not wary of unscrupulous individuals who are constantly trying to enrich themselves not through hard work but by stealing from others. Because of this wariness (and our outsourced FAQ experiment) we have opted to not outsource. This decision has been controversial--we received three thousand e-mail messages about it within the first three minutes of the announcement. We have openly defended our decision against sometimes harsh criticism, but we have now been validated as the southern Indian state of Andhra Pradesh are setting up an outsourcing center in their jail. The inmates, whose crimes apparently do not prevent them from handling your sensitive information, will perform work for banking firms. If you can't trust an inmate with your information, who can you trust?

Hero of the People? We're not quite sure

Elaine McLuskey may have just become a Hero of the People for her latest invention. Designed to allow conversations even in noisy rooms such as pubs, her speech bubbles are an important addition to anyone's wardrobe. Okay, so maybe not anyone's wardrobe, but certainly anyone who wants to go to a bar looking like a wannabe deep see diver. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not eager to honor world citizens who make important contributions to society, but we cannot always award them the Hero of the People award due to its stringent requirements. Not only must a Hero of the People do something awesome, but he or she must also further the cause of the Board of Dictators through said awesomeness. Unfortunately, Elaine has not yet committed herself to the New Future, so we are unable to award her our highest honor...yet. If you know Elaine, please put your speech bubble on and follow her down to the local pub so you can spend some quality time with her and still get the message across about the GPD!

All he wanted...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to creating a society wherein everyone can achieve their potential, however vast (or limited) that may be. In order to reach that goal we have a standing policy that responsible world citizens should obey the laws of their respective government entities or contact us about an injustice and at least pretend to obey the law while we resolve the dispute. This policy, however, isn't an absolute law. We also take into account the circumstances. For example, when this Maryland man was walking home and decided he would rather have a ride home he had very limited options. He couldn't call his mother as his cell phone was out of minutes. He couldn't hitch hike as that has gone out of fashion and is likely illegal. The only number he could call on his cell phone was 9-1-1, but he knew that calling 9-1-1 without a good reason is also illegal, so he devised a good reason. He pretended he had been robbed. When police responded and investigated his story they found it lacking and it came out that he had just wanted a ride home. We find it disheartening that this man couldn't get a simple ride home without committing a crime, and as a consequence we are investigating the possibility of instituting a "ride hotline" that will also work with cell phones without minutes and will allow unfortunate walkers a legal alternative to get what they want. Expect details in your GPD newsletter soon!

The GNU Reform: Open Source Healthcare

It has been nearly a year in the making, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not tenacious, which is why we have finally unveiled our plans for an Open Source Healthcare system that will take care of all of our health needs at a fraction of the cost of the current model. This idea had its genesis at a conference we held in Seattle last year, and since then we have been consulting with the best minds in health care to create this plan, which has already been picked up by several high-ranking officials in the Obama administration and several influential members of Congress*.

Everyone knows that the biggest problem with the care system is the out-of-control cost of delivering health care. Why is the cost spiraling out of control? Some blame the insurance companies who, for some reason, want to make a profit. Others blame lawyers who encourage patients to sue their doctors for malpractice and thus require doctors to purchase malpractice insurance and pass the cost of that insurance back on to the consumers (or, more precisely, to the insurance companies backing the consumers). Others blame other harder-to-explain problems for the uncontrollable costs, but whatever your object of blame is, it is clear that the system is too opaque. An individual consumer of health care cannot possibly understand why he or she may be charged a ridiculous amount of money while in a hospital for some Tylenol he could have bought for himself at a fraction of the cost, nor can he or she understand why the insurance companies convince doctors to charge them less, and the list goes on.

The solution which is gaining momentum in influential government circles is to move to a revolutionary Open Source Healthcare system, wherein the empowered groups are not lawyers, doctors, or insurance companies, but individuals. The recent health care reform bill lays the foundation for this change by creating "Alternate Certification Requirements" for medical care providers and "Insurance Class D Licenses" for individuals interested in becoming small insurers. These reforms are, as we said, merely the groundwork for the real reforms. Rather than rely on Universities and medical boards to decide whether a person is fit to be paid to remove an ingrown toenail the individual can now review the potential provider's history and read reviews from prior customers, much as he or she can do on web merchant sites such as eBay and Amazon. Based on a review of this information, or, as is certainly more common in web merchants, a quick glance at the rating of the provider, the individual can choose whether to entrust his or her well-being to the provider. This reform alone will save us millions of dollars by relaxing the burdens of evaluation of providers for medical boards, universities, and hospitals. It will also create more jobs in the medical field as the barriers to entry for doctors are significantly lowered.

This same sort of ratings system will also be used for insurance providers (and individuals with Insurance Class D Licenses). Rather than paying out exorbitant amounts of money to a company who uses your money to offset their own costs of doing business you can choose to give your insurance money to any provider. This will, of course, create some situations in which unruly insurers will take people's money and not provide the services, but negative feedback on their ratings will discourage this sort of behavior and make it difficult for them to make much money off of deceit. In addition, the government has agreed to completely resolve disputes for every consumer of health care up to three times in their lives without asking any questions.

The same system will be used by insurers and providers to rate the individuals seeking health care so that, for example, a provider won't get stuck providing a fourth MRI to an individual who didn't pay for the first three.

Emergency care will be handled differently from regular, preventative care. Because people sometimes need emergency medical attention and won't have time to study the ratings of their alternatives when they need the care each individual will choose his preferred emergency provider beforehand. When the need arises they will call for emergency services from their favorite provider and, assuming they have kept their service subscription active, they will be treated to emergency support.

The beauty of this system is in its simplicity. Rather than using a heavy-handed approach that requires a lot of oversight and regulation, the market simply takes care of health care by itself. Providers who don't do a good job will receive negative feedback, and insurers who charge too much will be replaced by more reasonably-priced alternatives.

We are hoping that these reforms will satisfy the conservatives and the liberals and will create a truly bipartisan effort to solve the problems with the current health care system. There are still some challenges, but with the groundwork laid by the initial bill and the rising levels of support in government circles we are sure that soon the medical world will be rejuvenated beyond our wildest dreams!

*While we know that Congress already passed a reform bill and that we are a little late to get our ideas into it, we also know that in the 1,000+ page bill we were able to insert a lot of provisions that make our plan the next logical step. We just need to wait until people start implementing the bill and then we'll be able to get our plan implemented.

That pesky code

We have been running further analysis on the code and have come to some interesting conclusions. We have hesitated to state them in this public forum for fear of being wrong and losing credibility, but the data have been checked and rechecked, and these are certainly the most likely possibilities. It appears that we were correct in that the Parent Corporation has indeed embedded messages in the text of the Shakespearean play; these messages are almost certainly not just random happenstance. This revelation, however, leaves us with some unsettling possibilities:

1. The Parent Corporation stole the time machine Shakespeare has been using and used it to go back in time to embed these messages in the manuscript before it was published in 1727.
2. The Parent Corporation somehow persuaded Shakespeare when he visited the present time to go back and embed these messages in the manuscript.
3. The Parent Corporation has actually existed for much longer than we had believed, and either Shakespeare was a member of the Parent Corporation's Board of Directors (or somehow affiliated with them) or the influence of the Parent Corporation was such that it was able to force Shakespeare to embed these messages

None of these possibilities are particularly palatable, especially the thought that the Parent Corporation may have been operating much earlier than we had thought. We have our best men searching for more details and trying their best to prove or disprove these possibilities. At the GNU Public Dictatorship, after all, we are nothing if not thorough!

Please get on this right away, Mr. Medvedev

We have been voicing our security concerns about Kirsan Ilyumzhinov's apparent visit with aliens for some time now, but due to less-than-perfect relations between the country in which we live and Russia we haven't been able to get anyone there to investigate the incident, which is why we created an independent commission to answer the question of whether Mr. Ilyumzhinov could have revealed any information which would compromise the safety of world citizens. After all, he is a high-ranking Russian official and might have access to such information. We are pleased that Andre Lebedev, a Russian MP, has now taken this same crusade as his own and is asking Russian President Dmitry Medvedev to formally investigate the incident. Our commission has found no evidence as of yet that the aliens gained any useful information from the alleged encounter, but we would definitely appreciate another investigation to validate our findings.

The Code

Many of you have written in with theories regarding the evil Parent Corporation code that Daniel recently broke, and we would like to take a few minutes to update you on our progress and thank you for your suggestions. First, we would like to recognize a few individuals whose suggestions helped us progress on interpreting the messages:

• Ezekiel Cartwright of Wichita, Kansas, USA for his suggestion that the code might be using a variation of the beloved Fibonacci sequence to hide more important messages. In fact, using an overlay of Pascal's triangle did show us many interesting things, but these messages were encoded in the original Shakespeare, so unless the Parent Corporation captured Shakespeare's alleged time machine and used it to encode these messages in the play... hmm... that's something to investigate.
• Janice Robinson of Lubbock, Texas, USA for her suggestion that the code might be more understood by stripping vowels from the text and using a huge array of varying numbers of columns to find predictions of events that would have been in the future when the play was written but are now part of the past record. We investigated this method and found that we could predict the downfall of the Nazis and have found a passage that possibly predicts that Britney Spears will become President, but we're not sure whether to believe it.
• Gary Weaver of Salisbury, UK for his suggestion that we should look at the entropy of the messages for patterns. We found the message "Hi mom!" encoded in this way, but we don't suppose it is useful.

We are making a great deal of progress on deciphering the code, and hope to be able to use it to subvert the Parent Corporation soon, but we'll keep you posted!