The List of Deadly Sins

We were very pleased with the response to our request for deadly sins, and we apologize that it took us this long to come up with our official list. We found it surprising that while we received millions of responses the same three items kept recurring. Short lists generally work better than long lists, so, without further ado, with the most serious sins first, is the GNU Public Dictatorship's Official List of Deadly Sins (OLDS):

1. Evil Office Product Use. Even in jest, the use of office products known to be evil can harm one's sense of right and wrong. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against harming people (at least people who aren't evil)
2. Creating a Dictatorship intended to compete with the GNU Public Dictatorship. This sin should be pretty self-explanatory. We understand that all people have their freedom of expression, but we will not treat people as GPD supporters if they are actively opposing us.
   
3. Disrespecting the King of Pop. While the GNU Public Dictatorship usually frowns on Monarchies around the world, the Kingdom of Pop is different. It was not ruled with an iron fist, nor without input from his fans. In fact, Michael was far along the road to converting the Kingdom of Pop to a dictatorship based on the GPD model, but, alas, it was not to be. Perhaps his family and his fans will continue along that pathway. For those that hate Michael or his music, or disagree with the jury that acquitted him, please remember that it was pressure from ruling the Kingdom of Pop that caused Michael to do so many, er, interesting things.

We know that good supporters of the GPD have been following OLDS for quite some time now, but we hope that the formalization of these rules will have a positive impact on the world!

Interesting...

School has traditionally been about preparing students to succeed in the world. Presumably those with the right skills can market their abilities and make money in the real world. What we did not know, however, is that schools are also responsible for people's economic hardships. We will be watching this case closely to find out whether you can sue your mother because you didn't get into Stanford, or whether you can sue your volleyball coach because you didn't get a scholarship. We hope this case doesn't drag on for years through the courts as we are very interested in its outcome!

The revenge of "odortising"

Most of our loyal supporters will have forgotten about our failed "odortising" campaign of late last year, but it seems it's not ready to go away completely. In a misguided attempt an employee at a Texas bank call center tried to advertise the GNU Public Dictatorship using an old canister she had saved from our odortising experiment. Unfortunately the chemicals used in our short-lived campaign were not chosen for their shelf life, and 34 people were hospitalized because of the "perfume."

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about your welfare, so please trust us when we say that it is in your best interest to turn any unconsumed "odortising" materials in to your local GPD office.

It's just a bad idea

Today I was driving on a fairly major road when my wife suddenly pointed to our left and made an exclamation of surprise. I looked in time to see a tire roll forward and a pickup truck suddenly drop and start scraping the pavement, all of which surprised me as well. Since I am a certified tire tracker I was able to watch where the tire went and easily recovered it for the owner of the vehicle. When I returned it to the driver, however, I found that the dealership he had just purchased the car from had used, of all things, brads to attach the wheel to the car. Since I am a certified anti-brad evangelist I happened to have a pamphlet or two on the dangers of brads on me, and I generously shared them with our unlucky motorist. He assured me that he did not know they had used brads to attach the wheel, and his outrage at the dealer was clear. We hope that our supporters will spread the word to the less-credulous. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not certain that it is a bad idea to attach wheels to a car with household brads. Oh, and please remember that even though we defeated the Company, there are still a number of rogue cells of Brad Guys operating around the world, so we recommend unceasing vigilance!

The advantages of the Open Source Model

Microsoft recently had to release some emergency updates to its Internet Explorer product due to a simple typo in the source code. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence in all of its forms, and while we are not saying the Microsoft hasn't produced some good software, we would like to point out that excellence is thwarted when the source remains closed. If Microsoft used the Open Source model, the world would have known about this exploit much sooner, and of course they would have made better use of the exploit before someone at Microsoft actually fixed it and rolled out an update.

Moderation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not moderate in all things, but sometimes we have to remind our supporters of this. We realize that attracting such intense loyalty is a blessing and a curse, but we are thrilled to have so many people willing to answer the call of duty whatever the cost. We recently asked supporters to keep an eye out for any sign of former Count Quisling, but we didn't expect people to employ their children as river guards. Our lawyers have asked us to make it absolutely clear that the GNU Public Dictatorship in no way condones using children as cheap labor or using toy cars as river rafts.

A clue to the whereabouts of our traitor

One of Count Quisling's close friends was recently apprehended in California, which has been a stroke of luck for us. Count Quisling, apparently too involved in his addictions to read the news, contacted him today. We naturally have Mr. Martinez under surveillance and were able to get a great deal of information about Count Quisling's whereabouts that should allow us to capture him soon. Oh, and if you're reading this, Mr. Quisling, we suggest you just turn yourself in. We already have you surrounded, we're just being generous and letting you demonstrate your contrition before we make you demonstrate it. We promise that it will go better for you if you don't make a scene.

A word of explanation about Quisling

Many of our supporters have expressed shock and dismay that we have allowed a person such as Quisling to become a Count in the GNU Public Dictatorship. While we are saddened by his apparent ties to the Parent Corporation, our faith in our system is still strong. Quisling clearly had access to nefarious office products in his position, and he clearly knew about our public events as he was tasked with coordinating them, but he knew nothing about our secret plans. Our GPD Counts are not cleared for that information as they do not need to know any of it. Consequently, Count Quisling could not have given the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch any more information than they could have found had they been looking. We learned a great deal about the strength of our security infrastructure when "Viktor" apparently betrayed us last year, and we can state unequivocally that we do not fear any information leak from Quisling's betrayal.

On another level, though, this is deeply concerning. Regardless of the damage Quisling might have been able to do to the New Future, the fact that we lost him to our enemies is troublesome. We have initiated a full review of our brad exposure policy to make sure that (1) The recommended daily doses are well below dangerous levels, and (2) Count Quisling was following the recommended daily doses. Anecdotal evidence from his coworkers suggests that he may have had a brad addiction earlier in his life, and that his resolve buckled under the pressure of being near so many brads that were on their way to disposal.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not optimisitic that this is an isolated incident. We hope Daniel's investigations will prove what we already suspect, and we are anxiously awaiting Count Quisling's capture.

How low will they stoop?

Recently I was attending a religious gathering when I came face-to-face with the spawn of the Parent Corporation. Scattered all around the wood floor were little discs, obviously made by hole punches. As I am one of the foremost experts on hole punches and hole punch paraphernalia I stooped to examine them, and found that not only were they made from a sturdy foil-like plastic, but many of them had been coated so that they would adhere to the wood floor very tenaciously. We got our hazardous materials team to the scene within minutes, but many of the attendees still had to be disinfected. During cleanup four of our agents received minor injuries from the discs, ranging from bent fingernails to bruises. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by this apparent lack of concern for people's religious freedom, and we would like to urge all of our supporters to educate their friends and neighbors about the dangers of such things.

Alexa Longueira, Hero of the People

It is with great pleasure that we recognize our latest Hero of the People, Alexa Longueira. She has braved many perils and has allowed herself to become the laughingstock of the online community, all in order to keep her secret mission from coming to light. Alexa's mission (which still remains largely classified) was to thwart an evil plan being hatched by the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch that involved using the New York City sewer system to scatter circular pieces of confetti that were produced by hole punches. Her quick action and her willingness to keep up the charade of the "texting teen" has allowed us to vanquish those Brothers and keep the world safe from hole punches once again!

Thanks, Alexa.

A Traitor in our Midst!

Thank you, Tim, for explaining where I had been. As I was not allowed to post during that time, I had not yet released this information to the public, but I have been diligently doing more research into the situation. Please be vigilant should any man going by 'Quisling' approach you. Given his name, I am surprised I did not see this coming. This is the story:

Quisling was a Count of Lincoln County, Nevada. He appeared to be a very loyal supporter of the GPD. He was entrusted with the office and responsibility of disposing of brads. As I was investigating the underground baby pirating network, I was led to his office by an informant, whom we shall call "C.J." C.J. suggested that 'Quisling' may somehow be involved in this world of black market trade. With disbelief in my heart, I determined to investigate the situation in order to clear his good name. However, I was shocked when I entered his office unannounced and saw him shredding papers in a device that appeared to be built from brads. He evidently saw my surprise and took the opportunity to flee the scene. Though we are not sure where he is, we are confident that we will find him soon. An investigation of his office showed that he had built up crafty contrivances with brads. The sting of this betrayal was made all the more painful by the fact that these were the brads which he had been entrusted to destroy. It was apparent that he had been functioning to further the cause of the Parent Corporation for many years. Papers indicated that he had also been selling these brads on the black market. It also appears that he may have been corresponding with other members of the GPD. This cannot be confirmed because they were using code names. However, do not fear, we have conducted secret investigations on all of our offices, and you are still safe taking your brads and other nefarious objects to your local GPD office.

As for Quisling, we are issuing a level G watch. This means that if any of you come in contact with him, do not attempt to restrain him, but immediately call your local GPD officers and he will be apprehended promptly.

An explanation

We have received a number of questions asking what has become of Daniel, and so we feel it is time to explain to our supporters what has been going on. Daniel, as a probationary member of the Board of Dictators, had recently come up against his three-month review. As all of you know our probationary members are prohibited from posting during their review (to allow them to post would be to allow them to sway public opinion before we have even made our own decision). The review is very thorough and has consumed much of the Board's time over the last few weeks. Daniel's contributions to the cause have been tremendous even in the short time he has been with us, so it should have come as no surprise to our supporters that he has passed his review and become a full member* of the Board of Dictators. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we expect nothing if not to hear more from Daniel soon now that he is free to speak!

*Full members are not allowed full voting rights until after they have passed their certification exams. Daniel is now preparing for the exams and should have them under his belt by the end of the year.

A FAQ about the underground people

Many people responded to my latest post with numerous questions about the hollow center of the earth and the people that live there. This post will be an attempt to answer as many of these questions as possible.

Q. Where is the hollow center of the earth?
A. As the name implies, it is at the center of the earth.

Q. Didn't science disprove this theory years ago?
A. Have you ever read a scientific work about someone who made direct observations of the earth's core? Indirect observations are fine and dandy, but unless you've been there please don't try to tell us it's impossible.

Q. How did people get there?
A. We haven't completed our investigations just yet, but from our guide's story it sounds like they traveled there long ago from the surface of the earth.

Q. How did they learn Esperanto?
A. Our guide took a correspondence course in Esperanto from the University of Phoenix.

Q. Why won't they help in the fight against brads?
A. This is an unfair loaded question. They are helping in the fight against brads, but they will not join us above ground as many of them have reverse-claustrophobia and can't stand to be in large caverns or open areas for very long. They did agree to hunt down and destroy any representatives of the Parent Corporation they might find down there, so we are pleased with the arrangement.

Q. How are you going to keep in contact with them?
A. We left a bunch of fiber-optic cables leading to a communication station down there, so we hope our guide will send us email from time to time. If he doesn't, we'll send emissaries down every couple of months.

Q. What is to be gained by this alliance? Was it really worth spending a week of your life underground?
A. Those who ask this question have obviously never read Edgar Rice Burrough's series of books about Pellucidar. Please read them and then ask your questions. Of course it was worth a week of my time.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with our new allies, and we hope you can share our enthusiasm!

A report on my adventure

When I set out last week on a journey to the hollow center of the earth I had no idea what would befall me, but we knew that it if we are truly going to establish a GNU World Order it was critical to enlist the people on the inside of the earth as well as on the outer crust. It wasn't an easy journey, and I won't bore you with the details, other than the fact that the entrance I used is in Preston, Idaho. The Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch found an entrance in Lubbock, Texas, but we have since sealed that entrance and heavily guarded the Preston, Idaho, entrance to prevent their interference in the future.

Our expedition wandered in the ground for several hours before coming upon the UBHP's delegation, at which time we hid and observed their actions. When we ascertained that they were attempting to beat us to the inhabitants of that strange world we promptly surrounded them and captured them. I sent a part of our force to the surface with them and moved on. My force sealed the Texas entrance and interrogated our captured enemies, but that's another story. The information we got from them was quite helpful, and we expect it to play a large role in future posts. We have learned, however, our lesson in spewing information in this forum prematurely, so you will have to wait to learn what we learned.

Anyway, after wandering through the caverns for what seemed like much longer than it actually was, we found what we were looking for: a representative of the inhabitants of the center of the earth. He was not much help as he didn't even speak Esperanto, but we managed to get our point across eventually using visual aids and sign language. He cowered when we showed him a picture of a hole punch, which goes to show how much primitive man initially feared the tools we have been taught to wield in the modern world.

He took us to his village (apparently there are many small villages down there, but they live in peace and prosperity due to the lack of brads and hole punches) and one elder there had learned to speak Esperanto, so we learned from her the story of their civilization. We also related the story of our efforts to keep nefarious office products out of their realm, and we got a treaty signed that states that while they will not join us in the fight above ground they will not tolerate brads or hole punches in their realms. We look forward to more talks with our subterranean friends, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the Parent Corporation's inability to spread their evils underground!

I'm back... more details to follow

I'm back from the underground, so I wanted to let you all know that I did not perish down there. I'll report on the successes of my mission shortly, but there are a few loose ends to tie up first.

Oh, and apparently the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch reads our blog, so in the future I will have to be more careful in announcing my next move on that forum. They sent emissaries ahead of us, but due to our sagacity we still beat them! Look for more details about my trip in the next few days.

German Operations

With Dictator Tim going underground for a while, it is time for me to step up and explain the underground activities which have kept me busy for so long.

I returned two days ago from my most dangerous task yet. Though we have thousands of supporters who would have gladly taken on this responsibility, I felt it was urgent to not put any of them at risk. I speak, of course, of immersing myself in the world of paper goods.

I flew to Germany, where I posed as a tourist with unsuspecting relatives, while simultaneously researching some foul rumors that had come to our attention. It seems that the Unholy Brotherhood has chosen to scale back their US operations temporarily, due to our increased diligence in our home country. What they did not realize is that the influence of the GNU Public Dictatorship has infiltrated every corner of the earth. So naturally our spies alerted us to their German activities immediately.

The world of paper goods, of course, is completely safe and approved by the GPD. The Unholy Brotherhood recognizes, of course, that there would be little use for hole punches if there were no paper products. They have been sending agents into various paper businesses, touting not only the nefarious uses of the hole punch but other products as well. While we are not yet at liberty to explain these malicious plans, be assured that we are working around the clock to come to that point. We at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not dedicated to informing you of potentially dangerous crafting products.

In the meantime, keep in mind a few basic rules:

* If your crafting supply has a jagged or sharp edge, its' use may be twisted or perverted to accomplish the nefarious and perverted goals of the Parent Corporation.

* If your crafting supply causes undue perforations or tears, you may want to pack it away until it has been examined by our Safety and Hazard Interrogation Team.

* If your crafting project encourages you to use other products that are known as unsafe, such as hole punches, you may be the victim of a plot by the Parent Corporation and Unholy Brotherhood.

Going underground for a while

With all that has been going on in the world and our fight with the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, the Board of Dictators has decided that it would be in our best interest to enlist the help of any creatures that may live in the hollow center of the earth before the Parent Corporation can contact them. We know that science has told us it is highly unlikely that we will find anything living down there, but we have to try. I was chosen as the GPD's envoy to the people of the center of the earth, and am currently in final preparations for my journey. We have thought of many ways to get the Internet down there, but none of them have been practical, so if you don't hear from me for a week or so be assured that I am deep underground searching for new supporters!

Introducing an entirely new product line!

Since it was discovered that self-help really hurts people's self-esteem, we have had a panel working on a self-hurt books. Their research is complete, and we are about to release the first products in our new self-hurt line. We have purchased billboards all over the world and put up our new slogan, "If self-help hurts, then self-hurt helps!"

As with most things we do, we don't expect to make a lot of money off our self-hurt industry, but we do hope to make the world a better place. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not altruistic!

A nice idea

When the G8 summit declared that we won't let the earth's temperature rise more than two degrees Celsius by 2050 we decided that we should probably have some goals that sound nice but over which we can exert no real control. After all, what good is propaganda if we can't set lofty goals? Anyway, we held a meeting of the Board of Dictators and decided that in addition to supporting the G8's goal, we will add the goal that no more than 15 earthquakes of magnitude 7.0 or greater will occur in that same time span.

Deadly Sins

While reading this article it occurred to me that we have never taken the time to create a list of Deadly Sins for supporters of the new future. We know that disrespecting the King of Pop is on the list, but if you have any other suggestions please submit them by Saturday July 18th. We'll compile the list as soon as we can.

It's amazing what the mainstream press doesn't print

Recently the mainstream press carried a story about a gorilla wielding a knife left behind by one of its keepers. What we can't figure out is why the mainstream press refuses to cover the story of a meerkat wielding a brad left behind by one of its keepers. I guess we either have a long way to go in convincing society or else the Brad Guys' influence is still greater than we thought.

Evidence of Humanity's Stupidity? - OR - A Parent Corporation Plot to Make us Think it is Evidence of Humanity's Stupidity?

When we simultaneously receive a number of similar incidents which seem to show the stupidity of humanity itself, we have to take a step back and look at the other evidence. In this case, (and this case, and this case) it appears that we just have more evidence that people seem to not understand the purposes of Emergency Services. If we hadn't posted about this before, we might believe that people make these mistakes, but given that our guidelines have been widely distributed, we suspected that perhaps this was a Parent Corporation plot. We'll have "Viktor" investigate as soon as he finishes his current assignment, but we believe there is a strong possibility that "Edgar" is instructing his followers to make it look like humans are stupid so that we as a species will acquiesce to his evil desires and join him. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not worried about the way such a world would be run, so we urge you to not give in to despair just yet!

Hold on to your cold cuts

For many years now the number of lunch meat thefts has been so low that most of us are not afraid to go out in the open with a deli sandwich, but for those of us who have been around for a few years we remember the age when to take a sliced ham sandwich out of the safety of your home was to expect a violent mugging. Efforts on the part of the police and several government agencies have helped, but the stroke that nearly eradicated the threat was the formation of the Citizens for Cold Cut Safety (CCCS), a grass-roots organization that has for years been working behind the scenes to ensure that anyone could take a sandwich anywhere without fear of reprisal. Unfortunately, as this incident reminds us that the threat is still present. Granted, it wasn't a man with a gun or even a man with a knife, and granted, the bear only took the sandwich and left, but it stands a reminder to us all that we can' just waltz aroudn with our coldcuts out in the open. We should at least eat them in the safety of our own home, and transport them (if necessary) in discreet ways. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to eradicating sandwich muggings, and we hope you will use these common-sense tips!

Important Intelligence!

After reports of fires at the same unoccupied house in Lake Success, New York, two nights in a row, our operatives started sniffing around. "Viktor" found evidence that the house is not, as it purports to be, a private residence, but a laboratory where the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch spends its time researching chemical combinations that can be hidden on brads and hole punches without obvious damage to the evil implements themselves. After this discovery we also found clues that have told us much more about the UBHP and the Parent Corporation, including references to a "Wanda" who appears to be the marketing director of the Parent Corporation. We'll keep you updated whenever possible.

An update on the conference

After debating health care reform for several days now we are finally ready to take action. We have formed a standards body to lay out the standards for open-source healthcare that we call the OSHSWG (pronounced osh'swig). They will meet every second Thursday of every month via the Internet to discuss the standards we should apply to our health care system. If they can keep the same pace most standards groups achieve, we should have a draft solution by late 2024. Those who are too impatient for the standard can start using one of the reference implementations as soon as they feel like it. These implementations are not fully finished, and probably contain things that will not be part of the standard, but for those eager to start enjoying open-source healthcare now it is just the thing!

The new smartphone

People may try to tell you that this incident was a "mistake" on the part of the perpetrator, but we would like to inform you that our self-aware smart phone technology is continuing to advance at an unbelievable pace.

Dr. Nick Riviera has been working on self-aware phones since the heyday of artificial intelligence in the 70's. It was remarkably hard to make a 1970's phone self-aware, but Nick was able to make a phone decide to play different rings based on its "mood," where mood was a pseudo-random function of time. As phone technology has advanced, Nick was able to make more advances of his own. In the early 1980's he got his first wireless self-aware phone running. It was able to connect to the base station of its choice based on what it perceived to be most interesting, and it learned over time. Cell phones initially provided him a great challenge, but the challenge later became a great opportunity as they became more and more powerful. Now that phones have GPS sensors and real operating systems, adding the self-awareness is much easier. Nick's phones have been distributed along with the regular factory "smart phones" (not-so-smart phones if you ask Nick). According to figures released by the American Standard Institute for New Ideas and New Environments (ASININE) Dr. Nick's smart phones make up 32.9% of the smart phone market. The phone in the article was one of Nick's early models. It sized up the situation, then took a picture of the perpetrator in order to help its owner. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proud to be a part of the smartphone revolution!

The Horror!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not horrified by the collapse of the parking garage in Atlanta. We know that the police are reluctant to release any information that implicates the Parent Corporation, but thanks to "Viktor" we have in our files proof that "Edgar" himself has been planning this for several years. They have been testing their hole punches for concrete there for years without reinforcing the structure of the garage. This cavalier attitude toward property and human life shows why it is so dangerous to become involved with them.

The Conference

We kicked off our health care conference last night with a bang in SoDo (South Downtown) in Seattle, WA. We were pleased with the attendance, and if the opening night speakers were any indication, we'll have an awesome conference.

An attempt to summarize what was said would prove fruitless, so we'll just touch on a few of the points here. The primary problem our speakers have identified with the current system is that instead of being motivated by an altruistic ideal of universal health, current health care systems are motivated by profit. In fact, because of this, the very entities that claim to be providing our health care have as their primary motivation keeping costs down, not keeping us healthy. The second problem identified was that the system itself is opaque and its workings are not decipherable by the average consumer.

The solution proposed (and which will be discussed in great detail during the rest of the conference) is an Open Health Care system, designed loosely around the Open Source Software movement. We'll keep you updated on new proposals, but the loose framework involves empowering individuals to provide health care for each other, not for profit, but for the love of health care. By empowering individuals to provide health care we can avoid the problems associated with large insurance corporations only caring about their bottom lines, and we can create transparency that is unprecedented. Rather than trusting that Johns Hopkins or Cornell or the University of Weehawken has correctly evaluated a doctor we will be able to review his record online. The details are far from resolved, but we think this conference has already justified itself!

The Psychological Impact

Those of us trained in scientific disciplines often find it baffling why people respond the way they do. For example, take the case of this airplane. A jammed door to the hold meant the luggage could be only loaded in the front of the plane, so to compensate for the weight the crew asked the passengers if they wouldn't mind sitting in the back of the plane to offset this weight. From an objective perspective this makes perfect sense as it would allow a plane with a minor problem to fly normally and without incident.

Unfortunately, the crew forgot to think about the psychological impact of suggesting that the places people sat on the airplane would make a difference in the safety of their flight. It seems that people don't like to be conveyed in a vehicle that depends on them or their actions. While we know it won't help in the current situation, we would like to suggest that the crew could have done something else, like perhaps:

• Only sold tickets for the rear of the plane. Of course, this implies that they knew about the hold door failure beforehand, which may not be accurate.
• Suggested that somewhere in the back of the plane there was a large sum of money. Of course, if they did this they would have to make it a whisper campaign so as not to arouse suspicion.
• Cordoned off the front of the plane with caution tape and put up a sign saying "Pardon our Dust". Then people would just assume it was being remodeled and not worry about it.
• Put notices on the front seats stating that they are under quarantine for "swine flu" or some other undesirable disease. People would definitely not sit there.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not aware of the psychological impact our choices have on people, and we hope others will follow our lead!

A Conference

We are in the final preparations for a conference on Health Care Reform to be held next week in the US state of Washington. We have invited consumers of health care and providers of health care to participate, so we anticipate some great results. If you would like to be invited, please submit form PPDT-114B (Request for Invitation to Conference or Other Gathering) to your local GPD County Office as soon as possible. Check back next week for more details!

Intimidation

We've seen our share of despicable intimidation tactics, but this one takes the cake. Not the Duncan Hines cake made from a mix, but the real, made-from-scratch expensive and delicious cake you might find at an upscale bakery. We had to wait until Daniel's research was done to reveal this, but the owner of the car was considering working for us as an informant. While he was able to slip us some information, for his family's sake he tried to distance himself from Daniel's investigation.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to declare that the tactics used by the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch are completely irresponsible and unacceptable, and that we will make it our mission to punish those responsible for such crimes.

A Followup

Daniel's post about baby piracy has prompted a flurry of responses, ranging from indifference ("Why should it matter if they're making illicit copies of babies?") to panic ("We're all doomed!").
We thought it would be wise to clarify a few of the points most people have been asking about so that our supporters can return to a mostly-normal-but-slightly-more-vigilant lifestyle. We'll start with questions asked by the indifferent and move on to questions asked by the panicky.

Q. If the original baby isn't harmed or stolen, why is baby piracy wrong?
A. Even though the creators of the baby still have the baby and no harm has befallen it, they are missing out on all of the royalties and other benefits of having created a work of art. Just because it doesn't take their original away doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them financially. Think of all the lost royalties! This is their livelihood we're talking about.

Q. What about people who either don't have the talent to make a good baby or don't want to invest the creative energy? Why shouldn't they be able to get a baby of their own?
A. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not compassionate, and we feel bad for such individuals. At the same time, however, we believe a respectable baby trade that can be regulated by the appropriate people would serve their needs much better, and would allow the creators of the babies control over the distribution of their baby.

Q. I'm a poor college (or high school) student, and I can't afford to make a baby. Why shouldn't I be able to borrow someone else's?
A. This is a tough one. While we sympathize with those who don't have the money to make their own baby legitimately, we firmly believe that the copyright holders should be able to decide the fate of their baby's DNA. We are researching the feasibility of creating an agency designed to help poor people get designer babies, so bear with us until we get that going.

Q. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?
A. Quite possibly, but their is no reason to panic. Babies have been traded on the black market for thousands of years. All that has changed is the technology that makes it easier, cheaper, and less invasive. If left unchecked, this technology will destroy the world by 2080, but most of us living now will be old and decrepit by then and we won't care.

Q. Should I start stockpiling staples in preparation for the destruction of society?
A. While we have always advocated the responsible storage of "clean" office products such as staples, we do not believe that you should go clean out your local office products stores. To do so would only further exacerbate the situation with little noticeable benefit to you or others.

We hope this exercise has helped you better understand the problems of infant piracy and the actions you should take. We urge all responsible citizens to expose any of their neighbors found pirating babies at their earliest convenience.

A.

Piracy of the Most Horrendous Variety

After serious research and investigation, I am ready to divulge information pertaining to a dastardly plot. As well as vigorous online research, I have done on scene investigations at a myriad of hospitals and clinics. My thorough investigations have revealed a devious and nefarious plot the likes of which would chill the heart of the most hardened individual. The masterminds behind this terrible plot have yet to be officially identified, but we have reason to suspect that it is being spearheaded by the Parent Corporation.

Although the details of this plot are somewhat horrific, I believe that it will benefit even the faint of heart to listen. One day while sitting in a hospital waiting room I overheard a strange conversation. This conversation would not have been suspicious except that I had heard the exact same conversation four times since entering the waiting room. I knew something must be up. After hearing this conversation so many times, I could repeat the whole thing by heart. I decided it was time to talk to the receptionist and find out where these people were going. (because they were definitely getting to a doctor faster than I was!) I have omitted some of the more graphic details but our conversation went something like this:

Receptionist: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to see Dr. _______
Receptionist: Oh, what is your appointment for today?
Me: I'm here to find out about the status of our pregnancy test.
Receptionist: Oh, has it been two weeks already?
Me: It flew by.
Receptionist: Here let me take you back and the Doctor will see you momentarily.

I won't attempt to explain fully what took place, but I will say there was no doctor. As the receptionist closed the door, the bed folded into the floor revealing a staircase below. I followed the stairs into another sort of office. I could immediately sense that it was a criminal operation. The man at the receiving desk handed me a brochure. I could not believe my eyes; they were selling pirated babies! How do you pirate a baby you may ask -- you get a hold of DNA and make an illicit copy of course. It appears that there is a vast underground network which steals the DNA of newborn children. What better place to get this DNA than to place operatives posing as nurses in the delivery room? They steal the DNA and no one even realizes that it is happening.

It is imperative that I caution you all to be extremely careful so that you will not be a victim of this baby piracy. Here at the GNU Public Dictatorship the only kind of piracy we endorse is the old-time piracy that helps to prevent global warming. (Thanks Jack. We owe you one. You too Will.) Any individual found participating in baby piracy will be mocked and be bruised in the sternum as punishment.

A meteorite? We think not.

While the mainstream media has bought the "scientific" explanation of this incident in which a boy was hit by a pea-sized thing falling from the sky, we do not. Isn't it convenient that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch happened to be having a convention just 60 km away? Isn't it convenient that there have been many rumors of the Parent Corporation developing better pea-shooters? We don't want to cause a panic, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled at the mainstream media's lack of concern for the truth!

Unfortunate

One of the unfortunate aspects of living in a litigious society is that you can be punished for acts deemed "irresponsible" even though your intent was good. Take this incident, where the "perpetrator" was charged with larceny, when all he was trying to do was help the barrel monster find its mother. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to judging people based on their intent as well as their actions.

Next time you hear thunder...

Next time you hear thunder on a sunny day, look around for hummingbirds. As this article points out, if you adjust a hummingbird's speed based on the ratio of its length to the length of a jet, the hummingbird goes faster:

"When measured relative to the length of their bodies, the birds' top speed, [Christopher Clark] said, was 'greater than [that] of a fighter jet with its afterburners on, or the space shuttle during atmospheric re-entry'.

That sonic boom you hear may just be a hummingbird trying to find its mate!

Incidentally, if you adjust my walking speed (approximated at 4 mph) by my length while walking (approximated at 12 inches), I'm faster than the Boeing 747-100 (231 feet, 10 inches long, cruising speed of 555 mph). My adjusted walking speed would be 12/((231*12)+10) * 4mph = 927 1/3 mph. Wow! I just broke the sound barrier, too!

Whispers of Something Diabolical

There have been a number of indicators as of late that the Parent Corporation is engaging in something unprecedentedly diabolical. Daniel has been leading the investigations and will be ready to report on his findings soon, but I'll share some of the information we have been studying.

The first indicator is this family's unfortunate experience. The media may say it was an honest mistake, but it appears to be a first stab at some sort of insidious identity piracy, perhaps in a test market. To say more now would be to begin speculation, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to speculation.

The next indicator is the recent spate of phone-in vandals. While we initially thought it was a few individuals acting on their own we now have reason to believe that it may be the culmination of a long-running experiment aimed at creating more than one copy of a person and then using a copy at a propitious moment to wreak havoc on the world.

There are more indicators, including rising barometric pressure in certain pockets of the world, increased PM10 levels in certain cities, and other anomalies that can't be explained any other way. We expect Daniel to finish his research soon and post more information, but until then we ask that you increase your awareness level to cyan with puce stripes.

The Picnic

For as long as I can remember I have been taking one of my posts in the northern hemisphere's early summer to talk about the Company's plans for summer picnics around the world. Well, this year I can safely say that there will be no Company picnics near your neighborhood. The demise of the Company early this year has left a bit of a void for summer brad events, for which we feel both elation and a touch of sadness. It was fun to try to crash their parties (with appropriate protective gear, of course) and destroy their stashes of brads without injuring any innocent bystanders. The easy part, of course, is that only small children can really be called "innocent" bystanders, so we didn't have to work so hard on that. Anyway, as I was saying, this year there will be no Company picnics, and our operatives have not been able to glean any reliable information relating to Parent Corporation picnics this summer. The best information we have suggests that the Parent Corporation prefers reward getaways to picnics as then only the high-performing employees are rewarded, but we are not prepared to state unequivocally that there will be no picnics. It is also possible, however, that the Parent Corporation prefers to have its picnics in the southern hemisphere's summer, so we'll be keeping an eye on that for you. As a consequence of this uncertainty we are asking each of you to be even more vigilant than usual and ensure that you and your family don't unwittingly walk into one of their events. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping you have an enjoyable summer!

Pranks

A couple of recent phone-in vandalism incidents in Arkansas and New Mexico have convinced us that it is time to speak out against pranks that go too far. Don't get us wrong, we appreciate good pranks as much as the next board of dictators, but we feel the need to speak out against destructive pranks such as these. We ask our supporters to refrain from such activity that is clearly unbecoming of a world citizen.

On a side note, we thought it might be helpful to present some tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of phone-in vandalism. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, so here we go:

• People on the telephone are not required to state who they really are. They might say that they have the authority to ask you to do something, but you are not required to take their word for it.
  
• If you are asked to activate or test a fire alarm or sprinkler system by someone unknown to you, respond by asking him or her to do it. If he or she is unwilling to do it, chances are it was a prank. If you get fired for insubordination, file form DDE-4409A (Request for Reparations) at your local GPD county office.
• Don't do anything for someone on the phone that you would hesitate to do were that person in the room with you.
  
• Recognize that chances are very slim that a desk clerk or some other customer-facing employee would actually be called upon by the corporate big-wigs to perform maintenance or testing on the fire suppression system. I doubt that was in the job description.
• Use good judgment.

As always, we hope this has been helpful.

"Edgar"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the end of the Reign of Evil of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, which is why we continue to work hard for you. It doesn't matter to us that we receive very little glory for our accomplishments; we're just happy to be of service to the world. Recently our star operative "Viktor" has dug up some new information about the leadership of this vile organization, the man who goes by "Edgar." Under normal circumstances we keep the information we discover about our enemies a secret, so that they don't know how much we know about them. They, in turn, try to keep what they know about us a secret, but since we are, after all, an open government there is very little that they shouldn't know about us unless they are just being ignorant. Either way, we play this "I don't know what you're up to" game so that the other side will get cocky and make a mistake. But all of this is beside the point as we have decided to make this information public.

As it turns out the "Edgar" we know is not the real leader of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but a man employed by them to be a figurehead. He gives their speeches and attends all of their events, but he is not a key policy maker. Our intelligence (which we assure you is reliable) tells us that the real leader of the UBHP (at least the one who makes the real decisions) was in a freak workplace accident many years ago and the perforation equipment severed both his pinkies. For fear of anti-pinkilessness he has remained hidden for many years and employed an actor to be his public face. We would like to extend our condolences to the real leader of the UBHP (who also goes by "Edgar") and invite him to stop trying to corrupt our children with evil office products. If he does so, we will, without preconditions, negotiate with him about his role in the new future.

Q&A: Anti-pinkilessness

Our post of yesterday prompted a flurry of questions from supporters about the minutiae of the GNU Public Dictatorship's official position on anti-pinkilessness, so we thought we would take a moment to answer some of your questions.

Q. What constitutes "anti-pinkilessness?"
A. Anti-pinkilessness is discrimination against those without pinky fingers or without full pinky fingers. It generally takes the form of preventing them from mingling with the pinkied population, but can also take the form of verbal taunts or other abuse.

Q. What does the GPD think of the lawsuit mentioned in the previous post?
A. The GPD is opposed to frivolous lawsuits and cited the article only because it demonstrates the rampant nature of anti-pinkilessness, not because we think mothers should be sued.

Q. What is the GPD's official position on anti-pinkilessness?
A. The GPD is against discrimination in all of its forms and will use its influence to make sure that those who are guilty of anti-pinkilessness will not be welcome in civilized society.

Q. Isn't that discrimination against the anti-pinkiless?
A. The GPD does not engage in anti-anti-pinkilessness, nor is it guilty of discrimination. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair to all people, regardless of their gender, age, nationality, ethnic background, or pinky status. We do, however, reserve the right to outlaw destructive behaviors such as anti-pinkilessness, improper naming of babies, and so forth, subject to our indulgences policy which is still being finalized.

Q. Aren't their bigger issues that deserve your attention? What about the global economic troubles? What about North Korea?
A. There are bigger issues out there, but at the GPD we believe that the big issues are outgrowths of the little issues. If we solve the anti-pinkilessness problem, the North Koreans will likely abandon their nuclear ambitions, and the investors will have renewed confidence in the market.

Q. What happened to the outsourced FAQ?
A. Eliza was on vacation, so we did it ourselves this time.

We must stop this oppression!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by inequalities and oppression, which is why when we heard of the great lengths John P. Garrity went to to get compensation for the loss of his pinky finger we decided it was time for the GPD to crack down on anti-pinkiless sentiment around the world. The problem is not a new one. People without pinky fingers have been shunned for milennia. The earliest known record of pinkiless discrimination is recorded in the Greek tragedy Heracleidae, but there are countless incidents ancient and modern where the fully-fingered have maligned those unfortunate enough to have no pinky finger or a partial pinky finger. One wouldn't think that such a small finger would matter, but for some reason people have often heaped ridicule on those who don't possess it. Even the Beatles' movie Help! has jokes about how Ringo wouldn't miss his pinky since he doesn't use it.

Regardless of the reasons people persecute the pinkiless, we believe them to be wrong, and are hereby issuing a decree that anyone found acting on anti-pinkiless sentiment will be held accountable.

A Nice Development

When we reported on Johann's sad story we had very little hope that Georg and his club would be brought to justice, but we are pleased to announce that the police after reading our report on Johann's experience took upon them the initiative to inspect all scrapbooking clubs in Geneva. The Swiss pride themselves on being safe, and they have some of the toughest brad control laws ever created. In their raids they found one club to be "purveying brads without a license" and closed the club down. Its owner now faces several counts of brad crime and could face a stiff fine and a lengthy jail term. Johann confirmed to us that the club that was raided was the club where he was introduced to brads, so we're pleased that Johann's experience wasn't in vain. Not only did we get to use his experience as a warning to our other supporters, but we closed down the club where he was tainted. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with progress, however incremental!

Beware the Brad Guys!

Just because the Company has collapsed and the Parent Corporation has stopped pushing brads as diligently as they had been doesn't mean we don't have to be vigilant. Last week in Switzerland a group of travelers was stopped by the misuse of brads, but we should talk about the events leading up to this unfortunate incident.

It all started several weeks ago when Johann (not his real name) made a new friend while staying at a small hostel in Geneva. They got on quite well and after a few nights of drinking at the local watering hole Johann was invited by Georg (again, not his real name) to come to his club the next evening. Johann told us that he started feeling uncomfortable when he entered the club adorned with ancient office products, but he dismissed his fear as irrational. Several days later he was invited to scrapbook with the club. He was hesitant, but decided he would go. He didn't see a single brad or hole punch, and so he consented to come again in a few days. Over the course of a few weeks they introduced brads so slowly that he barely even noticed they were there, and by the end of his stint there he had actually used brads himself, though he was ashamed when he admitted this to us. At some point he realized that his life was spiraling out of control and that he had to get out of there, so he got into his car and started to drive to Bonn. His course took him past Georg's place, so Johann stopped in to say goodbye. It was at this time that the nefarious Brad Guys took the opportunity to replace his spare lug nuts with oversize brads.

Johann and his friends were driving on the motorway when they decided to take his winter tires off and put his summer tires on, and they did so. It is a sign of how far gone Johann was that he didn't notice that the lug nuts were really brads, and it was a stroke of luck that when the tires fell off his vehicle that nobody was injured.

Johann was picked up by the local police and asked to be taken to the local GPD office. There he talked to Count Wilhelm and told his sad tale. Johann is in a rehabilitation center now trying to overcome his addiction to brads, but the outlook is hopeful. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping you safe, and we urge you to be always on the lookout!

A Tricky Business Venture

Informed World Citizens agree that the Parent Corporation is loathsome, but the daily onslaught of evil sometimes overwhelms us to the point that we can't make ourselves believe it, and we begin treating them as if they didn't really exist. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, and we admonish you to not fall into this trap.

A case in point, yesterday evening my home was approached by an apparently run-of-the-mill instrument of evil, a door-to-door salesman. Our long-running policy about negotiating with evil prevented us from opening the door, but as he left he left a pamphlet on our door. Curious, I read the flier. This is what it said:

Tired of Door-to-Door Salesman?
Visit
www.[domainnamewithheld].com
And Get a "No Soliciting" Sign!
Or call [namewithheld] at [numberwithheld]
Many styles to choose from.

Of all the things he could be selling, he was purveying "No Soliciting" signs. We have warned our supporters before that the Parent Corporation is vile and tricky, but not even we expected this level of treachery. Who would have thought they would be so bold as to try to convince people by going door-to-door that they are against people who go door-to-door?

Dedication

Since we established the GNU Public Dictatorship Rewards Program we have repeatedly been impressed by the tales of dedication to the Cause that are reported. As is to be expected, most of them are severely embellished, but sometimes you find a gem. And sometimes you find a gem through the traditional media. James Coleman, of Bristol, England, is such a gem. He was the Leader of the Bristol GPD Chapter until recently when he resigned citing the fact that the administrative duties of the GPD Chapter were interfering with his personal crusade with the Company. We had always been pleased with his work, and so we accepted his resignation. Since the demise of the Company he has been working tirelessly to counteract the evil Parent Corporation, and his efforts have prevented them from gaining a foothold anywhere near Bristol. In fact, Bristol was recently named the City With the Fewest Brads(CWFB) by the International Office Products Association (IPOA). The astute among our supporters will be thinking to themselves, "Hey, the IPOA is merely a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation." They would be correct, which lends the CFWB award much more credibility. If your enemies fear you, you have done well. Anyway, it seems that James was using his Blackberry to evangelize about the GPD to his friends when the Parent Corporation planted a large tree in his path. Although he is now being ridiculed as "the guy who ran into a tree while tweeting" he maintains his dignified and diligent struggle against the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not impressed with such efforts, which is why James Coleman of Bristol is our newest Hero of the People! Congratulations, James.

A Public Apology

From time to time we at the GNU Public Dictatorship do things that others might term as "mistakes," but we can assure you that all we do is part of the bigger plan we have for the world. Even if the reasons may not be apparent to you, our loyal supporters, rest assured that we have things under control. Even so, we still do things that others find offensive and find ourselves in a position to apologize for our actions. We have been called weak for our willingness to apologize, but we don't see the need to alienate others even though we know we are in the right. Case in point, our experiment in gambling Feng Shui last April. We learned a great deal from the experiment, and we are still conducting similar experiments, but a main (surnamed Yuan) caught in the middle of this experiment has become very upset. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not polite, so we would like to take this time to apologize to this man and assure him that we have the best interests of society in mind.

Indulgences for Common Misdeeds

As most of you now know, I have been working on our relations with the US state of Idaho. Among the items that have been discussed in order to improve our standing with the Idahoan people, especially the two new rural counties of the GPD, is the introduction of a new provision for parents to be able to name their children as they please. The fruits of our negotiations will be called 'Indulgences'. Our reasons for this name should be made clear from this article.

These 'indulgences' will allow citizens to be absolved of the punishments associated with minor misdeeds as defined by the GPD. For example, although it would be ideal for all citizens to follow proper naming practices, we understand that for some this is too much to ask. Therefore, we will allow such persons to attain permission (by payment) to name their children improperly. We may even be benevolent enough to allow those who have already named their children improperly the chance to repent (for an added fee) and return to good standing. We do not wish to encourage the idea that citizens do not need to follow the directions of the GPD. We believe that those who are truly dedicated will not use such indulgences. We believe that as we reach toward our ideal these indulgences will not be necessary.

Another simple tip for propaganda: Use conflicting headlines to attract people with different points of view

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping you become the best you can be, which is why we created the propaganda tips series. Today's tip is a classic, best used when the writer owns or has access to multiple publications. The underlying idea is that people will read a story that appears to agree with their point of view more readily than one that appears to express a contrary viewpoint. Your advantage as a propagandist comes from the fact that issues are rarely as cut and dried as people would like them to be, which allows multiple headlines to be put on the same information without seeming inconsistent to the average reader.

Take this fine example. Today in the Salt Lake Tribune these two articles (with substantially the same content) were both listed in the national news section: GOP senators OK with shrill criticism of Sotomayor, and GOP senators sidestep harsh criticism of Sotomayor. Both articles come to the same conclusions and present analysis of the same interviews with GOP senators, but the headlines are starkly different.

As mentioned above this technique works best when using multiple publications, but even in this case the effect is to gather more readers as some will agree with one headline and others with the other.

We would like to thank Count Espinoza and our other GPD County officers in the Salt Lake City GPD County for pointing out this exceptional use of propaganda. Thanks!

Another chance to deploy our lucha-libre task force!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about every opportunity to deploy our apparition task force composed of Mexican wrestlers, and this one is no exception. On a side note, we would like to announce that Daniel, the newest (probationary) member of the Board of Dictators has been very busy of late pursuing better relations with the US State of Idaho, and it appears to be paying off. We have established two new GPD Counties in the last few weeks, and the number of supporters has grown exponentially! Thanks for your hard work, Daniel.

The role you were born to play

People's names sometimes have a lot to say about what they should do for a living. I remember vividly seeing a business card for a man whose occupation was used car salesman and whose last name was "Crook." You should all remember the tale of the dentist named Les Plack. Many are the occasions in which a name can make the difference between an ordinary and an extraordinary incident, as in this case. While the story would be moderately interesting anyway, it becomes more interesting with the fact that the officer who stopped the vehicle was Officer Freeze! At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of puns, and we bet that Officer Freeze has been waiting most of his career to be able to yell "freeze" and be recognized for it in print.

Isn't it enough to know that we ruined a calf making a gift for you?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to progress and we're nothing if not dedicated to art. Much of the time these two goals are orthogonal, but occasionally they cross paths. Recently we attempted to make an eight-legged spider-cow, with less-than-desirable results. Many world citizens have jumped on the anti-spider-cow bandwagon, but we would like our supporters to take a step back and consider the larger picture. Where would we be if nobody ever created genetically-manipulated monsters? Most of the science fiction created in the Post World War II era revolves around such creations, whether created intentionally or as a byproduct of improperly managed radiation. Isn't it enough to know that we are working to create exciting new life forms for you? So we ruined a calf (or two)... does that make us evil? You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, after all.

A simple tip for better propaganda: forget the antecedent

In an effort to improve propaganda writing everywhere, we will post suggestions here from time to time. (Please be advised that official propaganda teachers are aware of the suggestions here and will expect you to incorporate them as your own ideas if you want full credit.)

In grammar, an antecedent is the thing referred to by a pronoun in a sentence. In order to be unambiguous, it should be stated clearly before it is used. The following sentence uses antecedents poorly:

John and Joseph were talking, when he said that he wanted him to take him to the store.

In each instance it is not clear whether "he" refers to John or to Joseph. A less ambiguous statement would be:

John and Joseph were talking, when John said that he wanted Joseph to take him to the store.

In normal writing it is important to take care with antecedents to prevent ambiguity, but in the art of propaganda it is often useful to be less clear (as in the first example sentence) as it leads the readers to conclusions that fit what you are telling them, letting them ignore impertinent facts so as to understand the message you want them to hear.

When the need is more extreme, antecedents can be ditched altogether, or disguised, as in this article. First note the second paragraph, where our two characters are introduced:

"Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge."

A careful reading of the rest of the article will show that the only time Lian is mentioned again is in the last paragraph. The quotes and the information about being detained by the police is attributed to someone without an antecedent called "Lai". This is a masterful example of how to use subtle antecedent "mistakes" to make your stories more interesting or more "informative." At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not informative!

Some new titles

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with finding the right names for things. People whose job title is "Peon" are not likely to give effort above and beyond the bare minimum. The retail industry has long been aware of this, and has started calling its employees "associates" or "team members." Since the inception of the local GPD office system we have referred to the people who run them simply as "local GPD officers," but we have noticed that the title breeds a lack of initiative. When we combine this fact with the decline of all things comital, the answer seems obvious. We are hereby official renaming the area served by a local GPD office from a "local region" to a "county" which allows us then to name the officer in charge of the local office a Count or Countess. We do not expect any substantial changes beyond the extra expense of printing new business cards, but we are looking forward to greater efficiency as our local officers strive to be worthy of their new titles! (Besides, now when they have multiple people in line at their office doors they can count them and cause flashes of lightning when they laugh!)

Entitlement

One major problem with society today is that children have a sense of entitlement. They believe they "deserve" things, or that withholding things from them is an act of malice. Case in point, the three-year-old Pipi Quinlan, who ordered an earthdigger online. A generation ago a child would never dare enter an auction and bid for a NZ$20,000 earthdigger. What's more, the adults at the auction would have simply dismissed the three-year-old's bid. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about this and other similar incidents, and we wonder why online auction sites are so acquiescent to this tide of entitlement.

A clandestine brad factory in Taiwan!

It has taken some time and effort for our operatives to confirm this, but we are now sure that there has been a clandestine brad factory being operated by rogue Brad Guys in Taiwan, near this man's goat farm. The astute supporter will note that the article referenced does not mention the Brad Guys at all, but the loyal supporter will also note that the Brad Guys are rarely referenced in mainstream media, even though we exposed the Company and brought them to the attention of the world. This latest discovery emphasizes that, although we have defeated the Company, we have not eradicated the threat that brads and brad paraphernalia pose to society. We are grateful to our operatives for observing Kuo Jing-shan's goats and confirming that the rogue Brad Guys were performing tests on them with their brads, preparing for a mass release of brads later this month. The rogue Brad Guys were captured earlier today, and the factory is being dismantled as we speak, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious and urge our supporters to be more vigilant than ever over the next few weeks!

Transparency

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the current trend toward transparency in government spending. Transparency in spending, after all, is very much like the Open Source model in that anyone in the world (with enough time, ability, and resources) could audit the expenses and determine whether money is being misspent. In the software world this gives developers the ability to dismiss complaints about the product by stating, "You have the source, you decide what needs to be done and then let me know what you want to do." This offloads the responsibility for fixing problems to the masses and frees the developer to do more developerish things. It works a little differently for government spending, but the principle is the same. The state of Utah, for example, recently launched transparent.utah.gov, which lets Utah citizens and concerned netizens browse the 4.6 million transactions the state conducted last year. Now the power of the online community can be leveraged to police the state's spending at a fraction of the cost of qualified professionals! If one person were hired to review these transactions and spent a single second on each one it would take more than 53 days to review them all (not counting sleeping or eating), but with the power of the Internet even 100,000 individuals could do this job in just over 3 minutes!

We're just glad he didn't have a hole punch handy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when we see people use creative solutions to difficult problems, especially when these creative solutions avoid dangerous office products. We would like to salute Rob Carson for his quick-thinking in saving a boy's life using a household drill. This article tells much of the story, but neglects to mention that his assistant (who will not be named for security reasons) offered to get him a hole punch to use in relieving the pressure on the boy's brain. Thankfully, while Rob Carson is not (yet) a supporter of the GPD, he knew enough to recognize that his assistant was acting on behalf of a very sinister organization and sent for a drill instead.

Driving Under the Influence

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against driving under the influence of anything or anyone, as people clearly make better decisions when driving of their own volition. In order to instill this ideal in our supporters we would like to make a public example of this man (and reveal to the world what cereal he was eating), who was driving under the influence of cereal, but we would like your feedback before proceeding to ruin his life further. Please weigh in at your Local GPD office and we will decide on our course of action based on your input!

Never give up! (unless maybe you want a burrito)

There's a decision you make when you decide to flee from the authorities instead of letting them catch you and incarcerate you, and that decision is to keep fleeing until one of three things happens: (1) they give up the chase, (2) you get caught, or (3) you die. Most rational criminals follow this pattern (which, incidentally, is making the development of our artificially-intelligent police robots come along much faster), but there will always be a few that choose another way (which is why our artificially-intelligent police robots aren't quite ready for wide-scale deployment). Take Jermaine Askia Cooper, who, after fleeing from the cops for 16 minutes decided that if he was going to jail he wanted a burrito from Taco Bell. Our police robots were slightly confused at his strange behavior, and we hate to admit that had the human cops not been there they would have let Jermaine get his burrito before apprehending him. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad that didn't happen, and so we pledge to you that we will continue to improve our police robots before completely eliminating the human force.

Responsibility

The Parent Corporation has never shown a great deal of responsibility, but when one of their operatives bit into a burger containing foods to which he was allergic even we were surprised by their reaction. We expected a worthy opponent to take responsibility for not checking before biting, and we expect a worthless opponent to simply blame the people who made the burger, but we never expected an agent of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to sue the company where the people who made the burger worked.

We've had our operatives digging into this for some time now on the hopes that this is a clue to some larger strategy, or perhaps even a simple distraction, but we have found nothing that suggests that this lawsuit isn't exactly what it claims to be. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad he wasn't one of our supporters!

Our new Official Rock Song!

It has taken hours of contemplation and reflection, but after many rounds of elimination we have finally decided on the GNU Public Dictatorship's Official Rock Song. Some of the songs were relatively easy to eliminate, such as "World Leader Pretend" by R.E.M. Others were more difficult. Most of the songs submitted by our supporters were the same ones we had considered, but there were a few surprises. We have considered songs as different as "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin and "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John. Our favorites are listed below, and we'll reveal our choice at the end of this post (supporters who peek ahead to the winner will be censured, so don't think about it). The favorites (other than the winner) are in no particular order.

• The Future Soon (by Jonathan Coulton) (unofficial video here). We hope our New Future is as exciting as the protagonist's in this song.


• Dvorak's Symphony No. 9 in E Minor "From The New World". We know this isn't a rock song, but we couldn't help including it here as it is such an enjoyable piece and its title is so appropriate. We couldn't let it win, but we had to include it.


• I am not Your Broom (by They Might Be Giants)(album version here). A very nice little song that serves as a nice allegory for what we are doing.

And finally, the Winner (and the GNU Public Dictatorship's Official Rock Song):

• Free Nelson Mandela (by the Special A.K.A.) (video here). No other song captured our indignance at injustice in the world as well as our hope for the future better than Free Nelson Mandela.

We considered many other songs, but as there cand be only one we let the songs chop each other's heads off until there was only one. We hope you enjoy it.

I don't know why she swallowed the fly...

There was an old lady who lived next to fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants, perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who imported parasitic flies that turned her fire ants into headless zombies. She imported the flies to combat the fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants. Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who imported frogs that croaked and made a lot of noise. She imported the frogs to control the flies. She imported the flies to combat the fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants. Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who imported some alligators that sometimes preyed on little children. She imported the alligators to control the frogs. She imported the frogs to control the flies. She imported the flies to combat the fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants. Perhaps she'll die.

An apology

We would like to take a minute to apologize to the employees in San Jose who were hospitalized because of their exposure to the noxious combination of moldy food and cleaning solutions, and simply say that when we sent our operative in to clean the fridge we thought we were performing a service for you all. We were not directly involved in the incident, but our local GPD office in San Jose was acting under our orders. They chose the operative very carefully as she had severe allergies and could not smell the fragrant emanations from the unplugged office fridge, and they had posted warning messages to coworkers before the service was performed, but even the best laid plans can have unintended side effects. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to doing better in the future! (We're also all but sure the Parent Corporation was involved, but we don't have any proof just yet)

A higher standard

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cognizant that we are held to a higher standard than the rest of the world. We embrace this idea, as even the smallest of mistakes we make can have far-reaching effects on the rest of the world. We have been trying our best to live up to this standard you have set for us, however difficult it may be. If you can't trust us to run the world, then why are you supporting us? (Or, in other words, if you can't trust a gun instructor not to shoot you, why are you taking classes from him?).

We understand that you expect more of us, and if we were a despotism or an oligarchy we might be content with not expecting more of you, but since we are an Open Board of Dictators, for the people, by the people and of the people, we need your participation as well. Consequently, we are raising the bar for our supporters by asking you to donate one hour of your time every month to local propaganda efforts as directed by your local GPD office. If you are already engaged otherwise in the Cause, you may submit form 493-E requesting that we count your efforts in lieu of this hour of service.

A piece of advice

We have received numerous nominations for the GNU Public Dictatorship's official rock song, and we are pleased with the majority of them. Unfortunately, a few of our "supporters" (they have officially been demoted to Probationary Supporters First Class) seem to have misunderstood the intent of the contest. We would like to warn you officially that songs such as "World Leader Pretend" by R.E.M. or "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears that deal with an imaginary world leadership are not appropriate. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not serious about ruling the world. Submitting a song that suggests that we are pretending to rule the world will be grounds for automatic demotion.

A Mother's Day Miracle

As is the tradition for my family I was visiting my mother's house for dinner, and I had baked a cake so that she didn't have to provide a dessert for all of us. As I was exiting my vehicle, however, the agents of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch accosted me and, although I was able to repel them and protect my mother and her honor, the cake and the cake pan fell victim to gravity. Due to some luck (or a minor miracle) the cake was salvaged from its erstwhile perch and was fit to be consumed. I gave the cake to my mother, who was in the process of taking the cake into her home when more agents of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch arrived. Freed from the encumbrance that was the cake I was quickly able to capture them, but once again the cake fell victim to gravity. Due to another minor miracle the cake had landed in the exact same orientation as it had before, and with a bit of creative sculpting was again fit for consumption.

The real miracle here, however, is not that the cake survived, but that, like penicillin, an accident that could have been very unfortunate served to provide us with a new and wholly unanticipated discovery. Out of the ashes of defeat arose the "Perfectly Chocolate Twice-Dropped Cake," which, according to those present, was extraordinarily tasty. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to see the plans of the Parent Corporation go awry, and when we get a new tasty treat and two captive operatives out of the deal we are nothing if not ecstatic!

Subtle typos...or are they?

We have a whole division dedicated to tracking apparently unfortunate typos across the world, and what we have found is not only an increase in the number of typos in public places, but also an increase in the number of typos we can trace back to the nefarious machinations of the parent corporation. While the full list is too large to reproduce here, we will give you a couple of examples. The first comes from a newspaper, and tries to mislead us with the headline, implying that a memo was given to people that were insensitive instead of the memo being too insensitive. Our operatives initially thought this might be inadvertent, but subsequent investigations have confirmed that the intent of the author was to paint those that were offended by the memo as insensitive. It's just so typical of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch that we sometimes forget that the stereotype is real!

The other is from an advertising campaign for KFC. The Parent Corporation believes in fried foods very deeply and objected to KFC's attempts to paint themselves as a healthy place to eat, and sabotaged their Unthink KFC campaign by causing them to register the domain unthinkfc.com (note the single "k" and think "Un-thin KFC").

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that our supporters should now take extra precauitons and be more vigilant than ever against typos, as the Parent Corporation is clearly using them to its advantage!

If you're going to steal something...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to people taking what doesn't belong to them, but we are also dedicated to your well-being. There are, unfortunately, cases where the two goals become mutually exclusive, as was the case here. We would like to sympathize with the man being punished (who, incidentally, is not a supporter), but we find it difficult as he eschewed common sense and stole a shirt from his prior time in jail and wore it in the presence of cops. The moral: If you are going to steal something, don't flaunt it in front of the people you stole it from.

A small (but important) victory!

For many years now the Virgin Mary has been appearing to the faithful in very odd places, but until recently there has never been a task force to verify that these appearances are more than mere happenstance. Thanks to the tireless efforts of "Viktor" we have finally organized such a task force using recruits from Lucha Libre. Here you see them in the process of verifying claims that the Virgin Mary appeared on a griddle at the Las Palmas restaurant in Calexico. Now that we have this task force we will hear many fewer false alarms. We would like to take a moment to thank "Viktor" for all he does for us. Oh, and to apologize again for declaring him a traitor and initiating a manhunt for him. Thanks, "Viktor!"

Practical art

With scientists working on "invisibility cloaks" (see here and here) we are grateful to artists such as Sara Watson. Thanks to her efforts and the efforts of others, there will always be some doubt as to whether that agent of the GNU Public Dictatorship was wearing an invisibility cloak or whether it was just an illusion carefully crafted by a skilled artist!

How to Recognize an Evil Sticker

Things have changed significantly over the years. Eight-track tapes and players have all but disappeared. Nobody checks the newspaper to find the show times for local movie theaters. Interest rates are much lower than they were. HDTV has been introduced.

Perhaps the most significant change over the last few years is that we were finally able to completely crush the Company and its designs for world domination. While we have significantly reduced the threat that brads pose to our society, we have found that by crushing the Company we have caused the Parent Corporation to step up its own assaults. Brads and hole punches are easily recognizable and easily avoided, but now they have started using stickers. The problem is that not all stickers are evil, and there has never been an easy way to distinguish the evil ones from the innocuous ones. Until now, that is. Thanks to Juliana's undercover work with the "Cutesy" project and Daniel's addition to the Board of Dictators we have gathered enough information to finally give you a way to recognize evil Parent-Corporation stickers and their harmless counterparts.

We'll present our method as a decision tree, where each level of the tree represents a question. Depending on the answer to the question you proceed to the appropriate next question. It will be more clear when you see it. Start at question #1.

1. Is the sticker larger than a breadbox? If yes, go to #2. If no, go to #3.
2. Is the sticker (or at least the background of the sticker) a brilliant white? (If yellowed white or off-white, answer "no"). If yes, go to #4. If no, go to #5.
3. Can you remove the sticker with very little effort? If yes, go to #6. If no, go to #7.
4. Does the sticker have an image of a monkey on it? If yes, go to #8. If no, go to #9.
5. Is the sticker yellowed from age or otherwise stained? If yes, go to #10. If no, go to #11.
6. Does your mass spectrometer show a spike at 37 or 843.2? If yes, go to #12. If no, go to #13.
7. Does the sticker have a pleasant bouquet? If yes, go to #14. If no, go to #15.
8. Is the monkey cute? If yes, go to #16. If no, go to #7.
9. This sticker is safe.
10. Is the sticker older than two years? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #7.
11. Is the sticker a "relief sticker" (does it protrude from the surface it is adhered to)? If yes, go to #17. If no, go to #18.
12. This sticker is evil. Please contact your local GPD Toxic Waste Disposal office immediately.
13. Does the sticker have an image of a mermaid on it? If yes, go to #19. If no, go to #4.
14. Does the bouquet remind you of summer? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #12.
15. Did you try scratching the sticker? If yes, go to #20. If no, scratch the sticker and then return to #7.
16. Is the monkey wearing a diaper? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #10.
17. Does the sticker depict a cartoon heroine from the 1980's such as Rainbow Brite? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #20.
18. Does a litmus test show the adhesive having a pH of 8.3 or greater? If yes, go to #12. If no, go to #9.
19. Is the mermaid underwater? If yes, go to #6. If no, go to #20.
20. Was the sticker purchased intentionally (as opposed to coming affixed to something purchased intentionally)? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #12.

We hope that this information will help you to differentiate among good and evil stickers, and look forward to seeing fewer sticker-related deaths in the coming weeks!

Undercover

For those of you who aspire to one day joining us on the Board of Dictators, a gentle reminder is needed. While we do indeed enjoy surprising levels of fame and fortune, there is also much hard work that is required. For example, I have been undercover for months now trying to infiltrate a very sinister group of agents from the Parent Corporation. This group is by far the most treacherous I have yet encountered, and going into the middle of their operation was incredibly chilling.

What I have discovered is that the Parent Corporation has been working on a special initiative called "Cutesy" for years. The plan behind "Cutesy" is to make their sinister weapons available to a larger and larger demographic who unwittingly take these objects home to their unsuspecting families. The items look so similar to everyday, safe items that our GNU Public Dictatorship Safety Committee was even baffled by some of my findings.

My first undercover assignment was in a "scrapbooking" class where the "teachers" introduced the students (victims) to a variety of boldly patterned papers, ribbons and embellishments. These items (and the finished products) were so visually appealing that the victims were completely unprepared for the sinister tools required to assemble the projects. Within minutes, I noted one woman who had inadvertently cut herself on one of the tools. Feeling alarmed, I began paying closer attention. I noted that several of the tools had unbecoming sharp edges and the ability to crush or tear items that were inserted.

Before I go further, I want to unequivocally state: SCRAPBOOKING ITSELF IS NOT EVIL. Some of the tools are even safe when used by proper professionals. However, keep in mind that the Parent Corporation has been blurring the line between safe and sinister for years now so you may need a professional to keep your family safe. Remember that our GNU Public Dictatorship Safety Committee has several locations near you and are open conveniently from noon until four p.m. every day of the work week to assist you in making your decisions. The consultation is completely free and could save the life of somebody you love. 

To return to my original statement, you are wondering why this kind of assignment requires such sacrifices from a willing servant of The People? Let me be concise:

1. I do not enjoy scrapbooking. This assignment was handed to me because the male members of The Board would hardly be able to infiltrate this sinister group of evil lunatics without drawing attention to himself.

2. As the only female member of the Board, my face and figure is frequently posted publicly for the inspiration of the public. To go undercover, I was forced to alter my appearance so drastically that permanent changes were required. I cannot go into details to preserve my own safety.

3. Being in the midst of these atrocious evils and not crying out immediately requires all of the self control that I have acquired during my years of service on The Board. I had to stand by helplessly and watch as women took stickers and perforating devices home to their young, innocent children. The emotional impact is staggering.

So next time we open up our application for joining The Board, keep in mind that you may have to sacrifice greatly to enjoy the fame and fortune that will come naturally to you. And next time you see a member of The Board (not undercover) remember to treat them with the respect and admiration that they so obviously deserve.