How to Recognize an Evil Sticker

Things have changed significantly over the years. Eight-track tapes and players have all but disappeared. Nobody checks the newspaper to find the show times for local movie theaters. Interest rates are much lower than they were. HDTV has been introduced.

Perhaps the most significant change over the last few years is that we were finally able to completely crush the Company and its designs for world domination. While we have significantly reduced the threat that brads pose to our society, we have found that by crushing the Company we have caused the Parent Corporation to step up its own assaults. Brads and hole punches are easily recognizable and easily avoided, but now they have started using stickers. The problem is that not all stickers are evil, and there has never been an easy way to distinguish the evil ones from the innocuous ones. Until now, that is. Thanks to Juliana's undercover work with the "Cutesy" project and Daniel's addition to the Board of Dictators we have gathered enough information to finally give you a way to recognize evil Parent-Corporation stickers and their harmless counterparts.

We'll present our method as a decision tree, where each level of the tree represents a question. Depending on the answer to the question you proceed to the appropriate next question. It will be more clear when you see it. Start at question #1.

1. Is the sticker larger than a breadbox? If yes, go to #2. If no, go to #3.
2. Is the sticker (or at least the background of the sticker) a brilliant white? (If yellowed white or off-white, answer "no"). If yes, go to #4. If no, go to #5.
3. Can you remove the sticker with very little effort? If yes, go to #6. If no, go to #7.
4. Does the sticker have an image of a monkey on it? If yes, go to #8. If no, go to #9.
5. Is the sticker yellowed from age or otherwise stained? If yes, go to #10. If no, go to #11.
6. Does your mass spectrometer show a spike at 37 or 843.2? If yes, go to #12. If no, go to #13.
7. Does the sticker have a pleasant bouquet? If yes, go to #14. If no, go to #15.
8. Is the monkey cute? If yes, go to #16. If no, go to #7.
9. This sticker is safe.
10. Is the sticker older than two years? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #7.
11. Is the sticker a "relief sticker" (does it protrude from the surface it is adhered to)? If yes, go to #17. If no, go to #18.
12. This sticker is evil. Please contact your local GPD Toxic Waste Disposal office immediately.
13. Does the sticker have an image of a mermaid on it? If yes, go to #19. If no, go to #4.
14. Does the bouquet remind you of summer? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #12.
15. Did you try scratching the sticker? If yes, go to #20. If no, scratch the sticker and then return to #7.
16. Is the monkey wearing a diaper? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #10.
17. Does the sticker depict a cartoon heroine from the 1980's such as Rainbow Brite? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #20.
18. Does a litmus test show the adhesive having a pH of 8.3 or greater? If yes, go to #12. If no, go to #9.
19. Is the mermaid underwater? If yes, go to #6. If no, go to #20.
20. Was the sticker purchased intentionally (as opposed to coming affixed to something purchased intentionally)? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #12.

We hope that this information will help you to differentiate among good and evil stickers, and look forward to seeing fewer sticker-related deaths in the coming weeks!