Undercover

For those of you who aspire to one day joining us on the Board of Dictators, a gentle reminder is needed. While we do indeed enjoy surprising levels of fame and fortune, there is also much hard work that is required. For example, I have been undercover for months now trying to infiltrate a very sinister group of agents from the Parent Corporation. This group is by far the most treacherous I have yet encountered, and going into the middle of their operation was incredibly chilling.

What I have discovered is that the Parent Corporation has been working on a special initiative called "Cutesy" for years. The plan behind "Cutesy" is to make their sinister weapons available to a larger and larger demographic who unwittingly take these objects home to their unsuspecting families. The items look so similar to everyday, safe items that our GNU Public Dictatorship Safety Committee was even baffled by some of my findings.

My first undercover assignment was in a "scrapbooking" class where the "teachers" introduced the students (victims) to a variety of boldly patterned papers, ribbons and embellishments. These items (and the finished products) were so visually appealing that the victims were completely unprepared for the sinister tools required to assemble the projects. Within minutes, I noted one woman who had inadvertently cut herself on one of the tools. Feeling alarmed, I began paying closer attention. I noted that several of the tools had unbecoming sharp edges and the ability to crush or tear items that were inserted.

Before I go further, I want to unequivocally state: SCRAPBOOKING ITSELF IS NOT EVIL. Some of the tools are even safe when used by proper professionals. However, keep in mind that the Parent Corporation has been blurring the line between safe and sinister for years now so you may need a professional to keep your family safe. Remember that our GNU Public Dictatorship Safety Committee has several locations near you and are open conveniently from noon until four p.m. every day of the work week to assist you in making your decisions. The consultation is completely free and could save the life of somebody you love. 

To return to my original statement, you are wondering why this kind of assignment requires such sacrifices from a willing servant of The People? Let me be concise:

1. I do not enjoy scrapbooking. This assignment was handed to me because the male members of The Board would hardly be able to infiltrate this sinister group of evil lunatics without drawing attention to himself.

2. As the only female member of the Board, my face and figure is frequently posted publicly for the inspiration of the public. To go undercover, I was forced to alter my appearance so drastically that permanent changes were required. I cannot go into details to preserve my own safety.

3. Being in the midst of these atrocious evils and not crying out immediately requires all of the self control that I have acquired during my years of service on The Board. I had to stand by helplessly and watch as women took stickers and perforating devices home to their young, innocent children. The emotional impact is staggering.

So next time we open up our application for joining The Board, keep in mind that you may have to sacrifice greatly to enjoy the fame and fortune that will come naturally to you. And next time you see a member of The Board (not undercover) remember to treat them with the respect and admiration that they so obviously deserve.