Update: Sewing Needles

Many of you provided your input on sewing needles, and we debated their merits and dangers for many hours yesterday.  We had made our final decision and were about to release a statement, when we received confirmation that the individuals involved in the needle sandwich incident were not working with any organized group of evildoers.  Our decision remained unchanged, but some of the wording in our official statement had to be changed to remove references to the New Company.  Here is our official statement:

Sewing Needles are plentiful in today's world, and most of them are used correctly.  Sewing machines often have needles, and many travelers carry sewing kits that include one or more needles.  You may not be aware that nearly all of your clothes are made on sewing machines, but it is certainly the case.  As with many implements we encounter in our day-to-day lives, however, sewing needles can be used for evil.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, which is why we recommend the following guidelines when dealing with sewing needles or any other implements that can be used to perforate:

1. Be aware of the sharp end of the needle at all times.  Needle accidents can be very painful.
2. Do not use needles to attack others. They are quite small and will likely damage your tissue nearly as much as the tissue of your enemies if you use them in close combat.
3. Put needles away as soon as you are done using them. The number one cause of needle accidents is improper storage.
4. Do not ingest needles.  If you encounter a needle in your food, stop eating it immediately.

While we believe that sewing needles, used improperly, can cause severe discomfort or transmit pathogens, safe sewing needle use is possible and does not take much effort.  Consequently, the GPD does not recommend ridding your homes and offices of sewing needles.

We would like to ask all of our supporters to step up to the task we have given you and use needles responsibly.  If we hear of too many incidents we will have to reverse our decision and add them to our list of evil implements, which would have serious repercussions for the fashion industry.

Update: Worm Eye Threat (WET)

On Tuesday we reported to all of you about the unfortunate man duped by the New Company into using dangerous gardening tools and having a worm placed in his eye.  Today our operatives have finally finished digging (in the evidence, not the garden) and will be able to educate you as to the threat this actually poses.  The remainder of this post is a summarized version of the report our operatives prepared, which can be obtained by submitting form 9954J-B5 "Request for GPD Operative Output Level 3 (RGOOL3)" to your local GPD office.

WET (Worm Eye Threat)
The New Company has recently introduced a new initiative which they call WET.  Among its stated aims is to destroy the visual acuity of a large number of world citizens and the promotion of what they call "alternative gardening."   There are twenty-three stated aims of the WET project, but most of them were not interesting enough to include in this summary.  See the full text for more details.

WET Phase 1 was carried out in an underground cavern using denizens of the caverns to determine whether WET was viable in humans and in other animals.  While visual acuity was decreased, many animals that dwell in caverns rely very little on vision, so many of the victims felt very little impact.

WET Phase 2 was carried out in India.  The man mentioned in the news reports was their only successful trial to date, and because of the side effect of pain in his eye, the worm did not reach full maturity and was not what they would call a complete success.  The ease with which "alternative gardening" was espoused in this region of India, however, has encouraged the New Company to continue working out the details.

WET Phase 3 is scheduled to be carried out as soon as Phase 2 can be called a complete success, and involves widespread infection on a global scale.  Conservative estimates show that, if successful, their project would limit the visual acuity of 12-15% of world citizens, with high estimates raising that number to approximately 44%.

WET Phase 4 is supposed to be where the New Company steps in with corrective lenses made from hole punch leavings to be provided for free globally.  The dependence produced on the New Company would allow them to peddle their influence to much greater circles and would, left unchecked, signal the demise of the world as we know it and would preclude our reaching the New Future.

Recommendations for combating WET include

1. Resisting the temptation to try new hole-punch based gardening techniques
2. Regular eye exams
3. Moderation on all hobbies, including gardening.
4. A balanced healthy diet, free of brads and hole punch leavings
5. Consistent exercise

Following these recommendations should mitigate the threats posed by the New Company at this time.

Horrifying

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not shocked and appalled by the lengths to which our enemies will go to destroy society.  Take, for example, this incident, which even the mainstream media labels as troublesome.  The fact that someone decided to add sewing needles to airline food is disturbing at the very least, and more likely horrifying!  The GPD has always opposed illicit perforation and twisting, and, while sewing needles are generally very useful tools, we are now considering whether sewing needles have enough potential for evil that we should ask our supporters to refrain from using them.  If you have a strong opinion about sewing needles, please contact your local GPD office before tomorrow's meeting of the Board of Dictators.

As for responsibility for this incident, our operatives obtained a New Company memo in which "Gertrude" refers to this incident and asks for restraint in "uncontrolled operations," but we are still not sure whether the New Company was involved or not in this incident.  Clearly the intent of these needles was to perforate people's mouths, which is consistent with the New Company's goals, but we wonder whether they would create an incident such as this one, which will likely cause people to fear needles rather than to embrace them.

Despicable

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if appalled by our enemies' lack of concern for human (and non-human) life, but every now and again they still do something so despicable that we have trouble believing it.  Take the case of this Indian man, who was clearly deceived by the New Company into using untested and dangerous hole punch-style gardening tools.  His wife didn't want to create an enemy of the New Company, but she does clearly want to point the finger at her husband's "gardening habits."  We're not sure why the New Company would want to puncture this man's eye and insert a worm, but we have some suspicions.  We'll investigate them, but please, please, PLEASE do not let anyone talk you into using hole-punch-style gardening tools lest you, too, have a worm growing in your eye.

Lost Operatives Found!

We recently reported that we were still unaware of the locations of several of our operatives in the wake of the fiasco with the Allies.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be able to reveal that we have now found all five lost operatives.  In order to not compromise their missions we will refer to them and to their missions with code words.  The operatives will be referred to as A, B, C, D, and E, and their missions will be referred to as U, V, W, X ,Y, Z, and Z'.  Here is our summary:

When operatives A and B, who were working together on missions V, W, and Z' when they disappeared, were found, they were attending a scrapbooking sleepover in Lehi, UT.  We thought Juliana's efforts had eliminated this pernicious threat to our children's futures, but apparently there are still pockets of people evil enough (or perhaps ignorant enough) to subject our impressionable children to prolonged exposure to hole punches and brads.  A and B had completed missions V and W, and were ready to proceed to mission Z' when they were sidetracked by the sleepover.  While neither A nor B is a teenager or a girl, they attempted to disguise themselves as teenage girls, but after several unsuccessful attempts were nearly ready to give up.  It just so happened that the scrapbooking sleepover was looking for staff, and A and B were able to bluff their way in as staff.  Due to their efforts 53 teenage girls were saved from potential brad addiction and one staff member was exposed as a member of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  In this case, the fiasco with the Allies did not contribute to our losing track of these operatives, it just happened to coincide with their disappearance.  Mission Z' will just have to wait for now.

Unfortunately operative C was not found soon enough to help her, but she is in stable condition in the GNU Public Hospital in Toronto, Canada.  She was able to complete mission Z, but before she could report she was accosted by angry ferrets who caused her to fall into a ravine.  The ferrets have been contacted and it seems they are willing to live by the truce.  They were under the impression that humans were going to start using ferrets as underwear, which has never been proposed.  Okay, so it has been proposed, but it never made it past the proposal stages and was never considered in a full meeting of the Board of Dictators.  Operative C is expected to make a full recovery and will be awarded the Hero of the People, Operative Edition (HPOE) for her valiant efforts.  Unfortunately we cannot reveal her name for fear of compromising her future missions.

Operative D was found by operative E late last week.  D had been attempting mission W but had failed to get past the initial stages and was attempting a risky maneuver when the coyotes he was riding betrayed him and left him in the middle of the Sonoran desert.  (Apparently the coyotes were mad that humans were not containing the wildfires in their brothers' territory quickly enough)  To add insult to injury the coyotes took everything from him that wasn't in his mouth.  D did have a single waterproof match in his mouth and was able to survive comfortably.  He found a source of water and made himself clothes and a canteen from cactus fibers and was about to make an attempt to cross the desert when operative E found him.

Operative E had been working on missions X and Y and was searching for the coyotes that had (unknown to E) recently betrayed D.  He found D early one morning and they were easily able to return to the den of the coyotes.  The coyotes at this point expressed remorse for their hasty decision and asked to be able to help them again.  Operative D continued his risky maneuver while Operative E (who had been searching the desert since before the truce) decided it was time to check in.

We are pleased that our operatives are all accounted for and that none of the injuries they received during the fiasco with the Allies are likely to be permanent or to kill them.  It seems like perhaps the Allies weren't trying to completely destroy us.

A positive step!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, which is why we have been waiting to impose our will on the world until they are ready.  That moment appears to be nearing, as in a Pew Reseach Center poll conducted last week the GNU Public Dictatorship finally received a plurality of votes!  Respondents were asked to choose among several potential forms of government.  Included on the list were the status quo, corporate governance (think the New Company or the Parent Corporation), religious radicalism (think the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch), Bashar al-Assad, parliamentary systems, and several others.  More people chose the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators (11%)  than chose any other system (the status quo had 10.8%), which is just plain awesome, and takes us one small step closer to our goal of world domination and the New Future!

Choosing When to Disobey the Law

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the rule of law and order, but we also understand that sometimes it may be necessary to violate a law or two when a higher purpose is at stake.  The challenge, of course, is to determine when a higher purpose is actually at stake.  To address this challenge Johann LeBeau, our Director of Education, has been creating a course that will be offered at your local GPD county offices very soon.  Quite a number of our supporters have already taken the course while it was in beta, but we believe that when "Choosing When to Disobey the Law" is available everywhere people will not have to think so hard about whether a specific situation is justification for breaking the law.  We hope that this course will prevent situations like this one, in which Flora Burkhart decided that keeping her ice cream from melting was adequate justification for leaving the scene of an accident.  Some of you may be asking why ice cream isn't important enough to justify leaving the scene of an accident, so we'll elaborate a bit on the nuances of the situation.  The following graph from the course materials should help:

This graph should help you decide whether to stop and wait for the Police or to flee the scene of an accident.  While this is clearly an oversimplification, the primary variables to consider are the value of the ice cream and the outside temperature.  Other variables that you should consider include the amount of time already spent with the ice cream in the car and the temperature of the freezer at the location of purchase or acquisition.

This graph is just one of the many useful tools available in the new course at your local GPD office!

Unfair

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair, which is why we find it despicable that a lifeguard can be fired for saving a life outside his jurisdiction.  We know that the reach of the New Company is extensive, and we would like to make it clear that none of our supporters will be punished for combating evil regardless of whether it is in their designated watch area.  On the other hand, we have assigned you all designated watch areas for a reason, and if you leave your watch area unattended while pursuing suspects elsewhere, be aware that you will be held responsible for any hullabaloo in your own watch area.

Nonsense?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to accuracy and fairness, which is why when we discovered that the machine we used to talk to a cuttlefish was tampered with we used it on ourselves.  Daniel, Juliana, and I used the machines during a recent GPD meeting.  We all experienced minor headaches, for which we apologized to Crktdwk, but perhaps more striking is the nonsense that came from the machine.  Here is a portion of the transcript provided by the machine (the transcript provided by our secretary follows):

Daniel: The next item on the agenda of the signs of evil and danger to the miners in England.
Juliana:  We have new information?
Tim: Team, are children of parents said that the air filter, put a label on the wrong key '.
Daniel: These reports, at least a few hours before, and I think it will take positive action.
Juliana: If so, we must move forward.
Tim: Opinion.
Daniel: Approved.

And from our secretary:

Daniel: The next issue on the agenda is the threat posed by evil stickers to coal miners in England.
Juliana:  Do we have any new data?
Tim: We have anecdotal reports of blocked air filters caused by children re-affixing portions of evil stickers on their parents' gear.
Daniel: Those reports are at least a few hours old by now, and I believe we have already taken corrective action.
Juliana: If that is the case, I propose that we move on.
Tim: Agreed.
Daniel: Agreed.

The discrepancy is small but significant, and sheds some doubt on our conversation with Crktdwk, but we still believe there may be octopi out there mad enough to try to give humans mad cow disease because of the compacted Gross Domestic Product, but we will decrease the priority of our investigations in this realm.  Opinion?

An apology to Crktdwk

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why when we discover that the machine used to communicate with Crktdwk the cuttlefish was tampered with by "Edgar" while he was impersonating Count Quisling we feel we should apologize.  The tampering appears to have affected the accuracy of the translation and the pain(lessness) level of the original machine.  We are sorry that  he had to suffer slightly, and we have promised to use the machines on ourselves in the near future in order to patch things up.  A formal apology has been sent to Crktdwk and his kin, and we hope that our negligence in this matter will not complicate human/non-human supporter relations.

A Summary of What We Know Right Now

Many of our supporters have submitted form UU77712-J (Request for Summary of GPD Knowledge) regarding several topics lately.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned that we seem to be falling short in providing the information you have come to expect from us, so we will take a post to answer publicly many of the forms we have received.  (We're sorry, Edward F. of Tallahassee, Florida...we are rejecting your request for a summary of what we know about Grebans.  You'll have to rely on our already published statements as we deem the risk to society of exposure of known successful and unsuccessful techniques too great).

About the Allies

114,103 of the forms we received asked for more information about the Allies.  Apparently we have been vague about several aspects of our relationship to them.

Q.  Didn't the allies join us in February of 2010?
A.  While it is true that many of the Allies joined our ranks in 2010 (including Wolfgang Gottlieb, father of our top operative "Viktor") it is not true that the Allies were absorbed by the GPD.  They continued to meet independently of the GPD and have at various times been less communicative.
Q.  Why don't we just annihilate them if they are at cross purposes with us?
A.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to our peaceful ruling of the New Future, which is why we cannot afford to alienate any group that is not clearly evil.  The Allies have disagreed with us on several occasions, but we are united against the New Company and the Parent Corporation.
Q.  What are the Allies up to?
A.  According to our recent meetings they have many secret missions under development.  They disclosed to us some of their current goals and were able to persuade us that, while their recent actions were deplorable, they are not incompatible with our long term goals.
Q.  What are the secret missions they have disclosed to you?
A.  We cannot at this time discuss this matter, as the missions will affect the security of world citizens living in the affected area or areas.
Q.  Will the GPD become part of the Allies, or vice versa, or will they continue this uneasy partnership?
A.  The answer to this question is unknown at this point.  Oh, wait... we do know that we won't become part of the Allies, but we are unsure about the other options.

About the New Company

87,221 of the forms asked for information about "Gertrude" and the New Company.

Q.  Is "Gertrude" a phantom or a real leader of the New Company?
A.  Yes and yes.  The "Gertrude" we examined earlier and determined to be a real woman was merely a figurehead that was used and discarded when she no longer proved useful.  The real "Gertrude" is much more mysterious and may not be a woman at all.
Q.  Is the New Company a formidable threat?
A.  Yes.  They possess many of the attributes that created the Company's success so many years ago, and they also benefit from a knowledge of how we defeated their predecessors.  They are still bent on world domination and on the widespread use of brads, hole punches, and evil stickers.
Q.  Does the New Company still report to the Parent Corporation?
A.  Our operatives would say no, but we hesitate to answer so definitively.  There still appear to be ties, but in recent months no reporting structure has been uncovered.
Q.  Is the New Company bent on destroying the Parent Corporation?
A.  Possibly.  There is some animosity there, but there are also some ties.  We won't know for sure until they make their strategy more clear.

About the Lost Operatives

23,917 of the forms asked about the five operatives that have gone missing.

Q.  Were they working on anything terribly important?
A.  Yes, all of our operatives are.
Q.  What about the operatives tasked with finding ways to get high scores on popular online games?
A.  You're saying that isn't important?
Q.  Have you found them or traces of them?
A.  Not yet, which is why we are still a bit mad at the Allies for causing us to lose them.
Q.  Who are they?
A.  Loyal operatives of the GPD.  Their names will not be released, but know that "Viktor" is not one of them.

About the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch

27,333 of the forms asked about the Parent Corporation and the UBHP.

Q.  Is the Parent Corporation still a threat?
A.  Under its current leadership we believe it will continue to be more and more irrelevant.  "Jack" has taken the merged Corporation in such a bizarre self-serving direction that we don't believe it will survive beyond the end of this year, but perhaps with enough restructuring it could be a viable company soon.
Q.  Is "Edgar" still alive?
A.  We think so, although we haven't heard from him for some time now.  We believe he is either being manipulated by "Jack" or he is complicit in "Jack's" strange goals.  If he is dead then there is somebody impersonating him in the Parent Corporation, as recent photographs do surface from time to time.  We don't know of anyone other than Count Quisling who could pull that off, but we know that he would have to cut his pinkies off in order to do so effectively, and the last time we saw Count Quisling (just over a week ago) he still had both pinkies.  Unless they were prosthetic, which we didn't verify.
Q.  What does "Jack" want to accomplish?
A.  We have no idea.  He seems to be stuck in a ridiculous "Craftie" fantasy with no apparent reason.

We hope this has cleared up some confusion about what we are up to, and that you can now stop flooding our inboxes with these forms!

Bring Your Own...

In many industries companies have decided that they can cut costs by asking employees to bring their own laptops or tablets so that they can do their work.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to thrift, which is why we have taken this idea and expanded it.  For many companies the largest expense besides salaries is the facilities, which is why we are now proposing that budget-conscious firms should close most of their offices, retaining in them only the portion of the equipment and employees that need to be there, and instead of providing offices or cubicles for employees to ask them to bring their own office.  There are many styles that could be accommodated, including a drive-in-movie style, where employees park in a large parking area and use provided power cords and wireless access to do their work, all the way to more luxurious bring-your-own-office arrangements such as parking garages with shade (so that employees don't have to run their air conditioning the whole time they are working.

We are trying a test implementation of BYOO at the GPD headquarters, and our accountants are telling us it is saving quite a bit when compared to company-provided offices.  They tell us we could save even more by asking everyone to work at home and telecommute, but everyone knows that communication is a problem when people don't work at the same location.  One troubling trend we have noticed, however, is that some employees are trying to outdo each other and show their status by the luxury of the office they bring to work.  Perhaps we will have to furnish offices just to keep this competition in check...

A Truce

Our second day of meetings with the Allies is proceeding better than the first, and we would like to announce that we have laid the groundwork for a truce.  The conditions of the truce are that we will not move to harm them in any way and that they will cease attempting to harm us.  While it may seem rather rudimentary, especially to those of you who have taken Diplomacy 4421A: The Art of the Peace Summit, we believe it is a positive step.  The Allies continue to insist that their motives have always been innocent, and that they mean us no harm, but we aren't sure we're ready to believe them yet.  Unless we encounter some difficulties, however, we believe that we will suspend our talks for now, and focus on the more pressing issues, like reconstructing our research and finding the lost operatives that were in the midst of it.

Outlook not so good

We are well into our first day of meetings with the Allies (if they can be called our allies) and we are sad to say that we have made little, if any, progress.  We appear to have understood correctly the motive and method of their operatives, and we are not pleased to learn that we have been targeted for bifurcation.  They are urging us to keep listening to them, and we will for now, but we are quickly losing patience (although we are reluctant to sever our relationship with them).  We are pleased that their attempts to divide us have not been successful, but we are disappointed that we have lost several weeks worth of effort.  Recent figures show that no fewer than seventy-eight of our operatives were slowed by the recent feuding, and at least five operatives have disappeared along with their reports.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the New Future, which is why we won't let these setbacks destroy us, but we would like to ask all of our supporters to join us in letting the Allies know they have gone too far this time by visiting your GPD county offices and filling out a complaint card which we will deliver to them.  Our goal is 3 million complaints by tomorrow afternoon!

Peace!

It is with great pleasure that we announce that representatives from many of the species that make up our supporters have met to declare a cease fire and to patch up relations.  It seems that the revelation that an outside entity was trying to divide us has evoked the opposite response!

On a separate note our meeting with the Allies begins tomorrow.  If you have suggestions on what we should say/do to them, please submit them at your local GPD office by 6 am UTC tomorrow morning.  We look forward to hearing from you, and we hope you all enjoy our rediscovered unity!

A Meeting with the Allies

The Allies have contacted us and offered to have our representatives meet to discuss the latest incidents between us.  They have assured us that they consider us a valuable institution in the fight against brads and that the recent actions apparently against us were not meant to harm anyone.  We have agreed to meet with them early next week and will keep you apprised of any developments.  At this point, we are a bit skeptical, but we figure we will give them a chance.  After all, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not forgiving!

It is starting to make sense...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad that we finally understand many of the problems that have led to our current human/non-human supporter crisis, and we're nothing if not thrilled that it doesn't appear to be the New Company or even the Parent Corporation.  At the same time, however, we are a bit distraught at what we have found out.

Our break came when we discovered an apparent mistake in a news article about the recent wildfires.  The first sentence explains that homes in Colorado Springs are being destroyed; not by the fire raging there but by the "wildfires raging across six US states."  As is always the case in such cases we directed our operatives to verify or dismiss the idea, and when they came back and said that it was indeed the case that all of the wildfires in the western United States at the moment are being used to destroy homes in Colorado Springs through the use of some sort of satellite heat transfer system (which, by the way, we have summarily destroyed) we began our investigation in earnest.  It turns out that the heat transfer system was registered to an entity calling itself "Allied Solutions" and that it had been created over the last two years without fanfare and had been advertised as a weather monitoring system  (one of our operatives had discovered the heat transfer system and had used his influence to get his message printed in the new article.  Unfortunately, he is now missing and presumed dead).  We won't go into all of the gory details of the investigation, but, as you may have guessed, "Allied Solutions" doesn't really exist.  The paper trail we did discover (we got the jump on them by acting more quickly than they had expected) led us to some familiar names and faces, and before long we found ourselves looking at the group we had called the Allies.

We had thought the Allies were with us, and they have proven useful in our fight against brads, but we have never fully understood their motivations.  If the trail that we discovered has not been tampered with, it appears that they have been trying to use the wildfires to drive home the point that humans will defend their own habitats much more quickly than they will defend the habitats of non-humans, and that therefore our promise of equal rights for all is nothing more than political posturing.  We are deeply saddened by this libelous accusation and hope that we have misunderstood.  The trail showed further evidence that many of the other incidents that have strained relations among our supporters were instigated by their operatives.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, but we must also admit that, as in any decision, a variety of factors are considered when limited resources are applied to problems such as wildfires.  In general, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.  When the ones exerting their efforts are the few, however, the equation often reverses.  We ask all of our human and non-human supporters to come together and understand that we do believe we can all live together in harmony and peace.

A Conversation with a Cuttlefish

After Datasect posted his comments on this post we decided to talk to the cuttlefish he suspected may be behind the recent conflicts between our human and our other supporters.  Our investigation is by no means complete, but the following conversation with one representative of our cuttlefish supporters was very interesting, which is why we have reproduced it below.

Lest you think we are confused, we don't believe cuttlefish can talk.  We understand that they do not have vocal chords, and that the sounds they produce have never been deciphered as language.  In order to communicate with them we attached electrodes to various locations on their bodies and used an algorithm developed by Count Quisling to translate the signals into speech.  The algorithm is not perfect, but it is better than nothing.  Here is our conversation:

Tim: Hello, loyal cuttlefish.  Can you understand me?
Cuttlefish: Yes, Tim dictator. I understand very well.
Tim: Excellent.  Do you have a name?
Cuttlefish: Yes, some people tell me Crktdwk.
Tim: I will address you as Crktdwk, then.  Crktdwk, are you aware of the currently strained relations between human and non-human supporters of the GNU Public Dictatorship?
Crktdwk: I read a blog, and met with numerous dark brown, some people very angry supporters of the GNU General Public dictatorship.
Tim: I am sorry to hear about the dark brown.  Have you heard of any organized movements in your fellow cuttlefish or other species with which you may have interacted?
Crktdwk: I said, my brother Gtplnwk octopus, swimming pool, on the internet, and tried, but I is compacted of gross domestic product (GDP), an accident, to joint efforts.
Tim: I'm sorry, Crktdwk, I don't think I understood that.  Did the compacted gross domestic product of the swimming pool anger an octopus and lead to efforts to organize?
Crktdwk: My message was translated to the campaign, and I do not have an organized movement, literally. Contract mad cow big octopus and gross national product (GDP).
Tim: I understand that you are not affiliated with any organized movements.  Are you saying that the movement is trying to infect humans with mad cow disease via big octopi?  I guess they got angry about the economic crisis humans created?
Crktdwk: It is not impossible. I'm mad cow octopus, or refuses to call me again to talk about it. Seafood are you?
Tim: No, I am not seafood.  We will have our operatives investigate the viability of transmitting mad cow through octopi.  If they call you again to talk, let us know.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making the world a better place for all of its inhabitants.
Crktdwk: Now you can be fishing? Personally I am tired of the dictatorship of the GNU discussion. I will not eat. Hey, now.
Tim: I think you are wise to not eat seafood.  We will be fishing for clues right away.  Hey, now!
Crktdwk: the.

As you can see, the translation is far from perfect, but at least we now have some leads to investigate.  Who would have thought the economic crisis brought on by humans would have angered the octopi enough to devise a method to use themselves to spread mad cow disease to unsuspecting humans.  Perhaps we should, in the short term, follow Crktdwk's advice, and not eat.  Caution may be the best choice, after all!

This is starting to get ridiculous

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not anxious for everything to return to normal, which is why it irks us so when incidents such as this petty lawsuit continue to complicate relations between our human and non-human supporters.

Ever since Kofi Annan brokered the human/non-human ceasefire we have had hopes that this volatile relationship would right itself, but neither side has been willing to implement the peace plan.  Both sides are apparently employing gangs of thugs to do their dirty work, and animal attacks on humans have been steadily rising over the last few weeks.  Violence against animals is harder to quantify as various forms of torture and murder of many animal species are routinely permitted in the otherwise civilized world.  Differentiating between "sport" and "retaliation" is a challenge that has proven too difficult for now.

What is worse, our observers have been coming under attack and we believe it may not be safe to keep them where they are.  The situation is rapidly developing into a civil war, or, perhaps worse, a schism.

For years our enemies have dreamed of dividing us, but we have held steady.  Our triumphs over the last few years are a testament to the dedication of our supporters, and we could not have made it this far without the spirit of unity that usually pervades our efforts.  Let us not give in to our enemies' plans to divide us, but let us go forward united against evil.  United we stand, divided we fall, etc., etc.

Anyway, if the situation continues to worsen we fear we may have to discipline our less-cooperative supporters.  We don't want it to get so out of hand that we have to take arms against our own supporters, but if it comes to that be assured that we will win.

Again, can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed that more of our supporters aren't letting bygones be bygones and moving on.  A recent string of events including, but not limited to an unfortunate incident where a moose was used as ammunition in a dastardly attack, an apparently retaliatory raid on a backyard party by a herd of cows, and several other incidents including sheep abuse, and mutant super-hens has apparently caused a significant rift in our supporters.  Our supporters have always been a diverse group, but we have always been able to see past our differences.  The recent introduction of the Orvillecopter appeared to be just what we needed to reset relations between the two groups, but, sadly, our supporters are still divided.

Case in point, BiBi and Poldi, who have begun fighting after a century-long romance.  Zoo officials are baffled at their falling out.  Our operatives, however, have confirmed that BiBi is more sympathetic to the cause of non-human supporters of the GPD (she believes we are saying that some are more equal than others), while Poldi believes the movement is primarily a human one, and that humans are more important to it than non-human supporters.  Our operatives attempted to resolve the conflict, but were unable to convince them that both of their arguments make sense.  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, which is why we will fight abuses in any form, regardless of who or what is being abused, especially when we find that the GPD is responsible for the abuse.  At the same time, current generations of cows have not demonstrated an organizational ability sufficient to combat the Parent Corporation and its evil affiliates or even the New Company with its minimal resources.  As such, the cows, while a full part of our movement, do rely heavily on the human members of the GPD.

We understand that the debate will rage on, but we do hope that our supporters can unite to face our common enemies very soon.  We don't have enough evidence to state it categorically yet, but we believe the New Company may be behind this recent string of divisive events, and it would be a shame to let them win simply because we can't all just get along.

Catcopter!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why we were excited to learn of Bart Jansen's plans to turn his late pet cat into a remote control helicopter.  We were also a bit apprehensive as we weren't sure whether the helicopter would be a fitting memorial for his beloved cat, especially if he couldn't make it fly well, but our fears were allayed when we saw the finished product.  We know that tensions are high right now between our human and our other supporters, and that there have been several unfortunate incidents, but we ask now that all of our supporters unite behind the glory that is the Orvillecopter!

Oh, and the Parent Corporation has filed for separation from the New Company citing too many philosophical differences.  We are not surprised, especially as the Parent Corporation has been nearly driven into the ground by the Crafties and their zealous leader "Jack."  It appears that the schism has put some pressure on "Gertrude" and we're not sure she will remain CEO of the New Company, but our operatives think it likely that she will play a large role in shaping their vision regardless of what position she ends up in.  While both entities present a threat to world peace we believe that the New Company poses more of an immediate threat, but we will continue to keep you informed of any interesting bits of information our operatives glean about the goals of either entity.

Mutant super-hens?

In the ongoing conflict among human and non-human world citizens, it would be easy to overlook some apparently insignificant clues.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not thorough.  Recently we discovered a plot by some unscrupulous farmers with no apparent ties to the Parent Corporation to create super-hens.  As of yet their attempts have been unsuccessful, but more importantly, we have finally established the link we were missing.  One of the hens being tested on used to belong to a separatist group of the Parent Corporation.  We believe that it received its "modifications" there, and we hope that this means the farmers were just lucky to get the mutant hens and do not have an active research program capable of creating them.  Incidentally, the Parent Corporation hasn't been observed in super-hen trials since their spectacular failure in 2003.  We will do our best to keep you appraised of any new developments!

Can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened when insignificant conflicts escalate beyond a reasonable level.  A case in point was the recent retaliation against some sheep, apparently for the incident where cows overstepped their authority.  We regret this incident and hope it will lead to no more suffering on the part of our supporters, human or otherwise.

Unethical behavior of animals

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the ethical treatment of animals, but we do not use that commitment to justify heinous acts, regardless of who is committing them.  Most of our supporters understand this, but, sadly, some of them do not have the cognitive ability to distinguish equality from superiority.  It seems that some of our bovine supporters used our last message here (about the unethical treatment of a moose) to justify bullying their human neighbors and stealing their libations.  Our operatives were on the scene soon after the incident for damage control, and after the cows were collected they were informed that their actions were unacceptable.  They argued that they were just exerting their equality with humans, but after our operatives explained the likely outcome had a group of humans done what they did, they understood that they had made a mistake.

The cows involved in this incident are sorry for the trouble they caused, and have committed to make no such mistakes in the future.  Unfortunately, their IQs are low enough that we fear they may forget about this commitment.  We ask all of our supporters to keep an eye on the cows in their neighborhoods and inform their local GPD office if they find any raucous or rowdy behavior.

Unethical treatment of animals

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to equal rights for all, including our animal, vegetable, undead, and bacterial (assuming they ever ask for it) friends.  This commitment is not without challenges, however, as many times the benefit of one individual or group of individual is in direct conflict with the rights of some other individual or group.  The resolution of these conflicts is our mission; we aim to create a New Future where all will be treated fairly.

At the same time, some of these conflicts are easily resolved, such as the recent case in which a woman was attacked with a moose.  The mainstream media have steered clear of the more controversial (and more correct) interpretation of the facts in the case and have stuck with the story that the woman struck and killed a moose with her vehicle and then drove 25 miles further with a severely damaged car and absolutely no memory of the incident.  The facts, however, show that the damage due to her car was not random happenstance, but a direct result of a weapons test by none other than operatives of the New Company.  While no official statement of responsibility has been issued, the trail is clear.  Operatives of the New Company, posing as operatives of the GPD, set up an experimental moose cannon in the Canadian forest, leaving leaflets about the dangers of brads strewn around the forest floor (on a side note, the GNU Public Dictatorship is also nothing if not against litter, and had those been our operatives they would have been subjected to the feared refrigerator-door jamb torture).  Anyway, the cannon apparently requires a live or recently killed moose, so they brought one along and loaded it into the cannon.  They took aim at several vehicles, and, according to the forensics clues, the cannon misfired at least twice, killing the moose.  On their last try they were successfully able to hit the passing vehicle of the unlucky Michelle Higgins, whose subsequent story has been reported fairly well by the mainstream media.

We don't know what we find more disturbing: the use of a live moose as ammunition, or the pitiful attempts at shifting the blame to us.  We do not think the New Company's operatives are that inept, which is why we believe this is part of some larger plot that we have not yet uncovered.  Rest assured, however, that no matter what you read, the GPD is not creating or considering the creation of cannons that use live moose or any other animals as ammunition!

Soon!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not eager to get back to regular posts.  This post, which really isn't much of a post after all, is to let all of our anxious readers know that the situation that caused us to suspend our posts for several weeks now is the clearing stages and traffic will soon return to normal!  Thank you for using alternate routes in the meantime and bearing with us.

Evil snares

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making the world a better place, which is why it pains us so much when our enemies win small victories.  It is especially frustrating when our enemies' victories would not have been possible had we not made some critical mistakes.  As it turns out all of the effort we have spent into investigating "Gertrude" has made it possible for the New Company to expand its influence. The recent death of Dick Clark was a turning point in our response to "Gertrude," but it has come too late.  We were lucky that our operative discovered these booby traps before some innocent person was hurt, but the fact that we let the problem go this far is a testament to the fact that the New Company succeeded in their nefarious trickery.

The individuals involved were, until recently, fairly innocuous.  In the last month or so, however, their consumption of brads had increased dramatically (which should have been a warning to us, but we let ourselves focus on "Gertrude") to the point that they obviously became mindless addicts.  According to our operatives they were told to create the booby traps in return for more brads, which were, apparently, not ever given to them.  We are sorry for our errors in judgment, and are relieved that the cost of our errors was not greater than it was.

As for "Gertrude," our operatives have decided that she was just a ruse.  The New Company stands by its vile misogyny as much now as it ever has.  Earlier today the New Company stopped referring to her at all, and we have not found any trace of her.  We believe that they used her and got rid of her, but for her sake we hope she isn't sleeping with the fishes.

Tragedy!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping the world safe from evil, which is why when evil scores a point or two we get very frustrated.  At this point it appears that while we were working on the mystery of "Gertrude" the New Company somehow killed Dick Clark.  We regret this tragedy and vow that we will not let our mistrust of our enemies keep us from paying attention to what they are doing.  Their sleight of hand was calculated and well-executed, but it is no excuse for our falling for it.  We're sorry.

Conclusions

Our operatives have been busily working to answer our questions about "Gertrude" and, without further ado, are their conclusions:

Q.  Could "Gertrude" really be a greban?
A.  We have studied the greban situation for several months now, and our scientists are convinced that the likelihood of the Parent Corporation (or the New Company) having successfully created a human-grebe hybrid is approximately 1 in 3,924,111, with a margin of error of approximately 7.  Given these long odds, we do not believe that "Gertrude" is a greban.

Postscript to A. While these odds are long, they are based on the best estimates we have of Parent Corporation/New Company technology.  If they have successfully concealed significant resources, then it is a completely different situation.  Our statisticians estimate the likelihood of them having concealed a significant lab from us at approximately 1 in 212.  Assuming that they have concealed a lab from us, the likelihood that they have created a viable greban is approximately 1 in 403.  The margin of error on both of these calculations was estimated at approximately 13.  This creates overall odds of about 1 in 85,436.  Given these small odds, we still believe that "Gertrude" is not a greban.

Q.  Could "Gertrude" be possessed by a male grebe, thus making her not exactly female?
A.  Yes.  Assuming "Gertrude" is a greban, the odds are approximately 1 in 2 that she is inhabited by a male grebe.  This could explain why the New Company has accepted her as their leader despite their misogyny.

Q.  Could "Gertrude" be a robot?
A.  Our scientists have studied this for some time, and have concluded that the New Company does not have the technology to create a robot as sophisticated as "Gertrude", besides the fact that she has clearly not followed the first law of robotics.

Q.  Could "Gertrude" be a proxy?
A.  Our operatives have been unable to confirm whether "Gertrude" is a proxy, but based on their observations our statisticians have estimated the likelihood of "Gertrude" being simply a pretty face and taking orders from some unseen entity at approximately 1 in 14.  Given the long odds on other possibilities, this seems like a likely alternative, but there is no direct evidence to support it yet.  It may simply be that "Gertrude" has overcome the endemic misogyny in the New Company.

Confusion and Delay

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not open about our plans, but there are times when we prefer to keep our hand hidden until we know exactly what we are dealing with.  At times this dichotomy can be troubling, as we may not want our enemies to know what we are up to for fear that they will find ways to thwart our efforts, but most of the time it presents no difficulty.  We try our best to keep concerned world citizens in the loop, but there are times when they must be kept out of the loop until our operatives are completely safe.  


One such time occurred this last week, when concerned world citizens began to speculate in ways that had the potential to put our top operatives in harm's way.  The suggestion that perhaps "Gertrude" is a Greban unfortunately caused the New Company to lock down their organization.  We immediately gave our operatives the message to temporarily stop digging into "Gertrude," but even with the warning two of our operatives were compromised.  In this instance nobody suffered any bodily harm, but it was shaping up to be quite a sticky situation.  We are pleased that our world citizens are sharp enough to come up with theories that put the New Company on the defensive, and we urge all of our supporters to keep putting the theories forth, regardless of the potential implications.


For the record, there is no evidence (yet) that "Gertrude" is a Greban, or that the Greban experiment succeeded in any measure.  We are, however, still convinced that she isn't what she appears to be.  Perhaps our operatives that weren't compromised in this operation will find out soon.  If not, our scientists are digging into the Greban experiment and will likely determine soon whether "Gertrude" could, in fact, be a Greban.  Our robotics experts are also trying to determine whether she could be a robot by testing whether she obeys Asimov's three laws of robotics.  We believe, however, that she has done harm to humans and therefore cannot be a robot, but we are still investigating the possibility.

The Contradiction that is "Gertrude"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we weren't able to release this information any sooner.  Our operatives confirmed to our satisfaction yesterday that "Gertrude" (the new CEO of the New Company) is, in fact, a woman.  Since the New Company was created it has tirelessly promoted brads and other office products, and, perhaps more interestingly, has created several shrines to brads.  They don't appear to have been able to organize anything as widespread as the Brad Guys, but they have created an atmosphere in which near-religious adoration of the evil office product is not simply tolerated but promoted.  They have not yet been able to get brad production back to their peak levels, but they are slowing the decline.  In short, they are a worthy opponent.  The Parent Corporation, on the other hand, appears to be stagnant, with  "Jack" showing a complete lack of direction.  Hole punch use is declining rapidly, and our operatives assure us that no new plans are afoot from either the Parent Corporation or the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.

With this resurgence of the New Company it is, of course, incumbent upon us to prevent their success.  Our focus, therefore, has been in understanding our new enemy and the New Company's plans for the future.  In this process we have repeatedly come up against the apparent contradiction that a group dedicated to a misogynistic symbol would allow a woman to lead.  Now that we have shown that "Gertrude" is, in fact, a woman, we have to face this contradiction.  We cannot at this time fully reconcile the situation, but we do have a theory we are pursuing.  Perhaps misogyny is now considered passe, with a preference for a more Darwinist "survival of the fittest" philosophy.  If this is the case a strong woman is essentially the same as the old symbol for male dominance.  We can't say for sure right now, but we can say that we will let you know as soon as we have cracked the mystery that is "Gertrude".

Yuri Ivanov

We would like to formally congratulate Yuri Ivanov for his extraordinary efforts to help world citizens in the former Soviet Socialist Republics.  His tireless enthusiasm for what is Right and True have earned him the Hero of the People award, which is reserved for those world citizens whose contributions significantly advance the cause of the GNU Public Dictatorship.  Congratulations, Yuri.

Yuri was born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1919.  His childhood was mostly unremarkable as he worked with his family in a subsistence farm.  The creation of the Ukranian Soviet Socialist Republic had little effect on his family, as did the merger with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics a few years later.  In fact, Yuri and his family were about as far from politics as was possible.  He never attended formal schooling, but he often wrote letters to his local government officials asking them to take action to stop the spread of pernicious office implements and to educate the public on the ill effects these had on society.  His efforts were mostly ignored, but in 1933 he was formally asked to stop petitioning on the matter.  He was quite frustrated and retreated into himself.  He saved up enough money to buy a wagon and became a travelling salesman.  While he did make enough to subsist on, his real goal was to spread his message to villagers everywhere.  He was successful in avoiding notice for many years, but in 1938 he was again asked to stop spreading such nonsense.  Frustrated with his local government he moved around frequently, always encountering government officials who, sometimes politely, sometimes not so politely, asked him to stop preaching "his new religion."

For many years Yuri avoided the government officials (and the second World War) and built relationships with villagers all around the USSR.  He learned many trades and earned three doctorates and several other advanced degrees (but couldn't receive them officially because he was not in good favor with the government) in diverse subjects such as metallurgy, political science, and nutrition.

When we first met Yuri in 1999 we were astounded at the clarity with which he perceived the problems with brads and hole punches, and we offered him a position on the Board of Dictators.  He declined, saying that the years were beginning to wear him down and he didn't want the fame that would come with such an appointment.  Instead, he helped establish several local GPD chapters.  Once he had got them up and running Yuri decided to become an operative, and his intelligence has been instrumental on many occasions in thwarting the enemies of the people.  Yuri is turning 93 this year and has officially retired from his responsibilities so that he can focus on his decoupage.  Yuri has been a great asset and has been tireless in spreading our message even before we were born.  Thanks, Yuri, you really are a Hero of the People.

We're back!

It may have seemed to some that we had abandoned our supporters and gone to live in our underground bunkers where we plan to weather the nuclear holocaust which will ensue if the Parent Corporation or its affiliates decide to pursue nuclear weapons, but, thankfully, this is not the case.

We have been incommunicado for a few weeks, but things are proceeding in a fairly ordinary manner and there is very little to report.  We stopped posting to this forum for a while after we discovered an insidious program that was apparently rewriting our posts.  After we discovered its origins we observed it for a while and, now that we have discovered how it works and have disabled it we are able to post again.

As for some updates:

• Construction on the new GNU Public Parking Garage has been delayed again as our engineers still haven't solved all of the problems associated with allowing those parking there to reconfigure the parking garage to suit their needs.
• The New Company has named a new CEO, who is known only as "Gertrude".  We find it vexing that they have apparently embraced women as leaders in the workplace while still holding to their beliefs about brads which are the embodiment of gender-based discrimination.  Of course we have yet to confirm that "Gertrude" is a woman...
• Yuri Ivanov has just been named Hero of the People for his work in the former Soviet Socialist Republics.  We will have a more formal announcement and a biographical sketch as soon as he receives his award.

Thanks again for your patience. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be free to post again!

Decreased alert level: T55

The last few weeks have been eventful, but, thankfully, have also shown that the Parent Corporation is becoming less relevant all the time.  As a consequence of these new developments, our alert level is being lowered to T55 from its high of U32.  

Our operatives have been busy finding out all they can about what is going on in our enemies' organizations, and we can report that the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch are so deeply embattled at the moment with internal strife that they are essentially no threat to the citizens of the world.  This may change at any moment, but for now they are not a serious concern.

Unfortunately, the New Company has been becoming more and more active in its attempts to destroy civilized society with its evil office products, so we'll call this a mixed blessing.  At least we know that, for now, we only have one real enemy to face.

Vindication (still no UFOs)

When we increased our alert level to R8 some called us paranoid, others suggested that we were overreacting. Few were the voices that let us know that they thought we were on the right track.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not determined to do what is right, which is why we increased our alert level.  For the last few weeks we have been silently evaluating the operations of the Parent Corporation, and in the last few days we have uncovered an evil conspiracy and prevented untold amounts of damage.

When the New Company split from the Parent Corporation many predicted that it would wither and die, but it seems that the "Crafties" are more involved in internal political strife than the "non-Crafties" who joined the New Company.  The Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch (a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation) have done almost nothing to further the dissemination of evil office products around the world.  In fact, they have spent (according to our operatives' best guesses) approximately 93.5% of their resources on internal power struggles and on purchasing as much Chef Craft equipment as possible.  While these pursuits are not beneficial to the world, they have significantly less impact on the innocent civilians and are thus less hateful than the activities they have pursued in the past.  In fact, due to this change in priorities, the per-capita consumption of hole punches world wide is at an all-time low.

While the Parent Corporation is embattled in internal strife and ignoring external goings-on, however, the New Company has apparently been honing its skills and focusing on an old-fashioned brad explosion.  Sales of brads are not declining nearly as much as they were six months ago, and we believe it is their fault.  Yesterday we acted decisively to disrupt a sleeper cell of "scrapbooking enthusiasts" who had amassed enough brads to corrupt every school child in the state of California.  While we can't guarantee that there are no other sleeper cells, the documents we recovered suggest that this cell has been the primary focus for the New Company for some time.  Our discovery and dismantling of their secret plans may have prevented millions of school children from becoming addicted to brads, and it appears to have set back their plans quite well.

While we are proud of our operatives and grateful that these brads were intercepted early, we are increasing our alert to U32 in consequence of this operation.  We believe the New Company may be attempting to deal us an immense blow, and we ask all of our supporters to be careful!

More attacks

The recent recommendation from Symantec that users disable their pcAnywhere software is just one of many indications that the Parent Corporation is attempting to expand its influence, and, perhaps more importantly, is another example of why the open source model works best.  If Symantec had made their source available at the start, they would have found the vulnerabilities much sooner, which would make the recent attacks irrelevant.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the open source model, which is why we continue to grow while other governments decline.  The spies of our enemies keep trying to find useful information on us, but all that they can find is already publicly available, so their efforts are for naught, since by the time they realize they have found something useful, many of our supporters have already found the same information and acted upon it.  We would like to thank all of our supporters for their help in keeping our enemies at bay.  Thanks!

Evidence of UFOs?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not willing to do whatever it takes to get an audience, which is why we titled this post the way we did.  We actually don't have any direct evidence of unidentified flying objects, at least not the kind that are rumored to come from somewhere not on this planet.  Unless of course you count items that float through space.  I suppose they are flying in some sense of the word, and with the immensity of space it would be no leap of logic to surmise that there are items floating through the immensity of space that we haven't identified yet.  Anyway, most of the time the term UFO tends to imply something that is flying with a purpose--either because it is intelligent or because it is being flown by something intelligent, and we certainly don't have any evidence of those.  The real reason we titled this post with something as exciting as UFOs is that we wanted to attract a wider audience so they would read that we are increasing our alert level to R8, and that we expect the Parent Corporation or one of its subsidiaries to launch a large attack against all that is good in the very near future.  Our operatives are working to prevent this disastrous possibility, but we wanted to make sure people knew so that they would be on their guard.

Johann LeBeau

Many of our supporters have known the Hawaiian LeBeaus for years, and will undoubtedly at least know of Johann and his accomplishments.  Some of you, however, will probably never have had the opportunity to meet Johann, which is why we will post a bit of interesting information about him here.

Johann was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, in 1947.  The Hawaiian LeBeaus moved from Buenos Aires to Honolulu, Hawaii, in 1948 when they discovered that former Nazis were setting up shop there.  Not wanting to associate with them, they moved their family to safer ground.  They set up shop in Hawaii, with Johann's father Mikhail becoming a respected cobbler within months of his arrival.  He was cited by the government multiple times for his excellent workmanship and designs, and became a respected pillar of the community.  The Hawaiian LeBeaus were all instrumental in pushing for Hawaiian statehood, and when they succeeded in August of 1959 they were very contented.

Most of Johann's early life was spent learning the family businesses: shoe-making and marksmanship.  He recounts of his early experiences, "nothing could have been so satisfying as relaxing with my rifle after helping my father sew the soles on a new pair of boots."  Johann and his father Mikhail were always vocal opponents of the introduction of non-traditional hole punches into shoe making, and stood by their awls without flinching.  As the fight for statehood intensified, most of Johann's spare time was spent in advancing the cause.  After they succeeded, he suddenly found himself with a good deal of spare time, which he filled by setting up a school system in a village near Honolulu.  He became very proficient at teaching, and was beloved by all of his students.  Over the course of his life he has founded at least twenty elementary schools, ten secondary schools, and six colleges.

Johann and his father discovered the GNU Public Dictatorship in 1996, when Tim visited several of Johann's institutions.  The LeBeaus were pleased with our anti-brad message, and quickly became invaluable allies in the fight against evil.  Johann has since pursued education in all its forms.  He has been on the committees to help with our curriculum and has been working tirelessly to educate the world about the dangers around us.  He is now being given oversight over the entire GNU Public Educational system, including the GNU Public University and all courses taught at local GPD offices.  While the standards of our educational system have always been high, we are pleased to welcome such a distinguished educator as our new Director of Education.

If you would like to contact Johann, talk to your local GPD officers.  They will provide you with the appropriate forms and answer any other questions you may have!

Some Clarifications

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by recent allegations that have been flying back and forth among world leaders, which is why we are taking this post to clarify some of the issues being misrepresented.  It seems to have begun with Hugo Chavez asserting that the US probably infects Latin American leaders with cancer, so we'll start there.

• The GPD did (accidentally) discover a way to infect people with cancer while studying methods to neutralize the part of the brain that becomes addicted to hole punches.  We made an announcement at the time, but we have not shared the particulars of that formula with any outside entity, and the scientist who worked on it hasn't been outside the lab in twelve years, so we couldn't possibly be behind Mr. Chavez's cancer.  We would never have unleashed such a dangerous thing on the world, and so if the United States government has found a way to infect people with cancer, they didn't get it from us, directly or indirectly.
• The recipe for exploding churros was not given to the Chilean newspaper by any of our operatives, although we cannot speak for the Allies.  They have been silent of late, and our efforts to confirm or deny their involvement in this incident have met with no success.  We can, however, state that we did not have anything to do with the churros, despite what people may be saying.
• The GNU Public Theme Park is not selling rides to private amusement parks without the designers' consent.  We don't know for sure how this rumor started, but we suspect the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch was involved.
• The GPD does not have a branch called the GNU Public Army.  We have not needed armed forces yet, and we hope to use much more subtle ways to take over the world.  If you meet someone claiming to be from the GNU Public Army and who claims to be a supporter of the GPD, please report them and your local GPD office so we can investigate their loyalties.  The GNU Public Army appears to have been started by the New Company, but the trail was fairly thin.  It may not be an official branch of the New Company, either, but it is clearly in communication with them.

We hope this clears a few things up.  We had hoped to introduce our new educational director today, but with all these allegations coming up we figured we had better delay his introduction to the world.  Keep your eyes open and be vigilant; together we will conquer our enemies!

Patience

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about you, which is why we offer free courses at most of our local GPD offices in topics that will help you, such as wilderness survival, nano-robotics, propaganda, and patience.  Unfortunately, we are going to have to ask our supporters to show some patience, as the standard course in patience has been overwhelmed and there is a waiting list in most areas that exceeds five weeks.  In order to address this wait, we are currently hiring more instructors.  If you or someone you know is qualified to teach GPD courses in patience, please report to your local GPD offices.

In other news, we have a new educational director, Johann LeBeau (of the Hawaiian LeBeaus).  We will be posting more about him in the next week, so please check back soon!

A concerted effort to sully our reputation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we are constantly working to make the world a better place.  Because of our passion for results, we have often worked extremely long hours to ensure that your world is safe for you.  Most of you know this and are understandably very grateful to us for our magnanimity, but a recent trend is threatening to sully our reputation.  Daniel recently discovered a new "GNU Skin" factory.  Until now we weren't sure whether they were trying to sully our reputation of that of Nu Skin Enterprises, but now we can state categorically that they were trying to convince investors that that were connected to the GPD.  We have discovered many things about GNU Skin, but I'll leave those for future posts.  Let it suffice that they are involved in the manufacture of many of the technologies used in creating the grebans we discovered last week.  We don't think there is an imminent threat from GNU Skin as it sits right now, but we do recommend that you follow common sense practices such as the ones Daniel outlined if you do find yourself in contact with someone from GNU Skin or any other person that claims to represent the GPD.

The title of this post mentions that this is a concerted effort, and many of you may be asking yourselves why I would title it that way and mention but a single incident.  Surely a single incident is no concerted effort.  Those of you who are asking yourselves these questions should report to your local GPD offices as soon as you can to request a course in patience (ask for course PAT-1267J), because I'm about to get to the rest of it.  Apparently there are a number of products, companies, and organizations now using the adjectives "GNU" or "New" to describe themselves.  We were already aware of The New Company, which split off from the Parent Corporation recently, but we hadn't realized that the name of the New Company was intended to convey to the  average world citizen that they were associated with the New Future.  While there are too many to list here, we'll mention a few of the larger organizations we have discovered:

• Citizens for a New Direction - a political action committee in Georgia, USA, dedicated to changing the state's laws in such a way that new brad factories can be built more easily there.
• GNU York City - A group of "concerned citizens" in New York, USA fighting for their right to conceal and carry dangerous items such as hole punches even through security checkpoints.
• The New Foundlanders - a Canadian organization dedicated to creating an environment there that is friendly to religious organizations such as the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch who do not have the interests of society at heart.

GNU Skin

I would like to bring a matter to public attention. I discovered a "GNU Skin" factory. Though it is not clear what they intend to sell, we want all of our supporters to be aware that GNU Skin is not an affiliate of the GNU Public Dictatorship at this time. Until more is known of this company, please exercise caution in dealing with them. The following pointers should be helpful if you should encounter someone claiming to work for the GPD:

1. Ask them how they feel about brads. The GPD will never suggest that they are safe.
2. Do not accept gifts if you were not expecting them -- they could contain brads.
3. Look for evil stickers or any other dangerous substances. GPD personnel are required to dispose of these immediately for the safety of themselves and any people they may visit.
4. If you have an encounter with someone you suspect of impersonating GPD personnel, do not allow them in you house or near your family and report them to a GPD office immediately.

Be safe and have a Merry Christmas from the Board of Dictators!

Grebans: confirmed

After a thorough investigation our operatives finally discovered a greban in a Cedar City morgue.  Unfortunately it had been dead for a few hours by the time our scientists examined it, but it revealed some important information.  Apparently our enemies have not yet been able to make grebans live for more than a few hours.  Without a bit more longevity the greban army we have feared is not a serious threat.  We will continue to keep you updated on our research into creating our own greban army and on our progress in thwarting the Parent Corporation's evil research into the same thing.

Human-Grebe Hybrids?

Many of our supporters have expressed concern over the incident where thousands of grebes to land in a parking lot in Cedar City, Utah, USA, thinking they were landing in a lake.  As a result, many grebes died, and many others were captured by private citizens and government workers.  What was most concerning, was the reports (including the caption on the picture in the link above) that the grebes were being released into bodies.  Not bodies of water, mind you, but bodies.  Our scientists have long tried to perfect the human-avian hybrid, with little luck.  It appears that this incident, however, may be cover for the Parent Corporation's experiments.  We have heard multiple reports of people in Utah apparently having been possessed by grebes, but by the time our operatives arrive on the scene all the evidence has been destroyed.  We believe that the Parent Corporation may have successfully created a greban (grebe-human hybrid), and we are asking for any of you who may have access to bodies in or near Cedar City to check them to see if grebes have been released into them.  With the help of our supporters we hope to have this cleared up shortly.

An apology

When we wrote our seminal post "How not to rob a bank" a few years ago, we thought we had provided a valuable service to would-be criminals everywhere.  We figured they would either prepare themselves adequately for the task they were undertaking or give up entirely.  As a matter of fact, the incidence of bank robbers being caught for silly mistakes has gone down slightly in the intervening months, but not as much as we would have hoped.  We have long suspected that it was people who don't read our blog that were making these mistakes, but we still can't prove that anyone doesn't read our blog.  Anyway, it turns out that some of these would-be criminals do read our blog, and that our advice wasn't complete.  As this man showed, we neglected to mention that you should only undertake to rob a bank when it is open.  We are sorry for any inconvenience our oversight may have caused, and we deeply regret having made this mistake.

An accident? We think not

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of accidents.  More often than not there is a reason something "just happens" to someone.  Take this incident, for instance.  It looks like an unfortunate incident where a careless hunter was shot because his friend's dog discharged a shotgun.  But we should look a bit deeper.  Those reporting the incident are quite silent on the relationship between the two hunters.  Was it strained?  Did either have a motive for hurting the other?  Was it a publicity stunt?  Is the dog really a dog, or is it some sort of mechanical demon?  Even if the dog can be proven to be a dog now, was it really the dog that was hunting with them, or was it a robotic approximation of the dog?  When one considers all of these possibilities it becomes abundantly clear that "Accident" is the wrong label for this incident.  More than likely the Parent Corporation has been testing its robotic dog replacements.  Or possibly the whole thing is a setup for a new reality show.  Our operatives are searching for a real answer, but even then we may never know.

On a separate note, we have heard whispers of an important meeting at the Parent Corporation next week.  We'll let you know how it goes.

Gratitude

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful, which is why we love the holiday season.  We are especially grateful this year for a new Gallup poll that shows that more people think brads are dangerous than think they are innocuous.  Last year 24% of respondents said they found brads "possibly dangerous" or "dangerous," while 28% said they were "safe" or "probably safe."  The remaining 48% said they didn't know what brads were.  This year's survey showed that 33% of respondents found them dangerous, while 27% found them save.  While there are still 40% who don't know what brads are, it is comforting to know that we are making progress with our brad education projects.  We aren't making as much progress as we would like with those who believe brads to be safe, but our efforts are working as well as our statisticians had predicted, thanks to all of our loyal supporters!

I guess we were wrong...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not accurate, which is why it pains us when we incorrectly interpret the goings on around us.  Unfortunately, in the case of Adam Cowgill, we correctly gathered many of the facts in the case, but we missed one very important fact.  Adam actually can become invisible.  He was initially confused when confronted by police, but when he recently appeared for his court date, he actually was invisible.  In order to not confuse the court he returned later and no longer invisible to apologize for his tardiness.  It seems we may need to keep an eye on Mr. Cowgill and the other "reinvented" people coming from the Parent Corporation.

The New Company

Now that the dust has settled a bit we can start to analyze last week's interesting news.  It seems that things are pretty much business as usual at the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  Our operatives are reporting nearly the same statistics* as they reported last month.  They are still trying their evil schemes and still hawking their evil wares, and we are still keeping them in check.

At the New Company, however, things are beginning to get more interesting.  According to our best information, they are refocusing their business completely.  Rather than work for the promotion of hole punches and brads, they appear to be creating a line of luxury pencil cases.  Our operatives have been unable to explain this strange behavior entirely, but we believe we will figure it out soon.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not encouraged by the apparent chaos reigning at the moment in our enemies' camp, but we are also cautious.  It may simply be a ploy to make money off unsuspecting elementary school students, or it could be something much more insidious.  We vow to not rest until we find out what it really is!  (Okay, so we don't mean we actually won't sleep, but we do mean that our operatives will be engaged on this problem until it is completely understood.)

*These statistics are available to the curious world citizen at any local GPD office.  In order to get them you will need to present fourteen forms of identification and sign an affidavit that states that you are not trying to do anything the GPD would consider harmful.

Parent Corporation to Split (and Merge)!

It won't be official until tomorrow morning, but the Parent Corporation has initiated the process of splitting itself into two entities.  Our operatives closest to the situation have revealed that the split is essentially along the lines of "Craftie" and "non-Craftie," and that all the officers with any real influence have been chosen from among the "Crafties."  It seems that "Edgar" will remain at the head of the Parent Corporation, and that they will remain focused on their current agenda of promoting evil office products and destroying the fabric of society.  As part of this agreement the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has become a subsidiary to the Parent Corporation and now falls under the same leadership.  "Jack" (the most vocal "Craftie") is officially the leader of this organization and officially answers to "Edgar," but if our operatives are correct, most of the real power in the organization is seated in "Jack."  His irrational unpredictability is proving difficult for us, but this isn't the first time we have faced a tough fight.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not relentless, and we promise to not let our enemies win!

The unification of the UBHP and the Parent Corporation poses no startling questions for our future, but it does show that our successes have forced the allies to take further steps to thwart us.  They will not succeed.  We have too many supporters and ours is the New Future.  What is perhaps more interesting to us at this point is the fate of the non-Crafties.  Officially they have now become the New Company, and officially it is still managed by "Edgar" and "Jack."  Our operatives, however, believe that the New Company is being created to purify the Parent Corporation and will soon be sold to some other corporation.  The members of this New Company are some of our oldest enemies, and if our operatives are correct, will not take kindly to this sort of treatment.  One, who spoke with an operative on condition of anonymity, mentioned that he is torn between supporting the cause of Evil in general (and evil office products in particular) and uniting with the Parent Corporation to crush their common enemies.  It became clear in this conversation that he considers the Parent Corporation as much his enemy as we are.  If this is the case for most employees of the New Company, we may soon find ourselves in an Orwellian conflict among three states whose allies keep changing depending on who is the biggest threat at the current time.  It is our sincere hope that these two proponents of evil office products will expend the bulk of their time and energy destroying each other rather than the innocent citizens of the world, but we have very little to go on.

Bees!

Normally a story like this one would be little more than an interesting distraction, but we have information linking this incident to operatives of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  It appears that the bees were to be released into the wild to spread a new wave of nano-robotic lichen, but, thankfully, the lichen have failed. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful that we dodged the lichen this time!

"Jack" and his Influence

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not optimistic, but we fear that recent developments at the Parent Corporation may have negative impact on all of our lives.  In the past few years we have come to understand much of the inner workings of this evil organization, and we have been engaged in what could only be called a huge game of chess with them.  We have been steadily gaining ground and exposing their lies, and we hoped we would soon cause them to see the error of their ways and change their direction.  Unfortunately, however, we have been paying too little attention to the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  As we have mentioned many times before, the Parent Corporation is the business side of the UBHP, and as such it tends to involve itself more in the day-to-day operations and in expanding its influence.  The UBHP, on the other hand, is a society dedicated to the Hole Punch itself and is much more patient and much more focused.  We have seen very little activity from them of late, but that is all changing now.  The UBHP recently opened 49 non-profit scrapbooking outlets in 13 countries around the world.  How they pulled this off without our operatives discovering it is a mystery we intend to investigate, but we have refocused some of our operatives and we believe that not only are the UBHP operatives very subtle and very patient, they are also somehow allied with "Jack."  We have found numerous communications between him and the UBHP, but many of them are in a code we have not yet fully deciphered.  If what we know at this point is true, it seems that "Jack" may have been a plant by the UBHP in the Parent Corporation to cause it to fail, or at least to "prune the dead wood" from their ranks.  Assuming this is the case, perhaps the mysterious "Jack" is not so crazy as we had thought.  We'll know more after we decipher the code in full.

"Edgar" is a "Craftie!"

Our operatives have decided to make it official: "Edgar" sympathizes with the Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation.  It has been difficult to sort it all out recently, but in an address* to his office in Lansing, Michigan, it became clear that "Jack" (the primary proponent of the Chef Craft wing) has his ear.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not heartened by the apparent disintegration of our arch-nemesis, but we must admit that we are confused at "Jack's" motives.  He is either a brilliant strategist trying to force some new evil on the world or an insane idiot obsessed with an obscure kitchen products company.  Only time will tell!

*The full text of the address is available to supporters.  Simply submit form KKVY-334-J (Request for Transcript of Enemy Address) to your local GPD office.

The (invisible) gap widens

As all of you know, the internal strife in the Parent Corporation is becoming increasingly vicious.  We recently received a report from our operatives that a member of the Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation was picked up by police in Springville, UT.  The local media report mentions much of the substance of what happened, but, as always, they seem to have missed the significance of it all.  Adam Cowgill was not simply crazy, as the report seems to suggest.  He had been in an intensive conditioning program for the Parent Corporation's Chef Craft wing.  In fact, he was to have been the first of many "reinvented" people that would remake the Parent Corporation in their own image.  Unfortunately, it appears that the conditioning regime went haywire and that Mr. Cowgill, who, according to our operatives, doesn't remember participating in the regime, is now pretty well incapacitated.  We hope that his example will show those who sympathize with or participate in the Parent Corporation the dangerous road they are choosing and that they will come to their senses, soon.

On another note, the non-Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation has recently attempted to marginalize their opponents by pushing them on to menial tasks.  Our operatives believe this was the impetus for the conditioning program, and that as the internal strife escalates we will likely see more innocent (or somewhat innocent) victims.