How not to rob a bank

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about your successes in life, so we thought it might be time to provide some helpful hints on how to rob a bank. These hints were inspired by the recent experience of previously-convicted bank robber Jarell Paul Arnold in Alaska.

The first thing to consider in robbing a bank is how to get into the building without attracting attention. If you enter with a ski mask or other device to hide your face you will likely be stopped right away. On the other hand, if you enter without a mask you will probably show up in surveillance footage. Either way, your plan would be frustrated. If possible, use a Groucho Marx disguise and avoid all cameras.

Once you are in the bank you must make your demand to the teller. Standard methods include pulling a gun and producing a note that states your intent. Either method will work, provided that you don't first identify yourself to the teller. This was the primary mistake Jarell made, and it has cost him dearly. If you are wearing a Groucho Marx disguise, be sure to talk like Groucho. Incidentally, we have heard of people who used a Harpo Marx disguise, but that is much trickier as it is less likely you would be recognized and as Harpo you wouldn't be speaking.

Once you have made your intent clear the next important step is to get the money without any of those explosive ink devices or tracking devices. Asking for small amounts of cash may make it easier to get away, but it will make it harder to make a proper living. Please take this into account when deciding how much cash to request.

Once you have the cash you have to get out without being caught by security guards. Running out quickly is a good standby and has served many a robber well, assuming they have a getaway car ready. Getting away is nearly always the most important part of a bank robbery as without it you are easily caught.

Our lawyers would like us to point out that we are not advocating the robbing of banks as the benefit to society is negative, but that we are trying to help people who have already made that choice to do so responsibly.