Lost Operatives Found!

We recently reported that we were still unaware of the locations of several of our operatives in the wake of the fiasco with the Allies.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be able to reveal that we have now found all five lost operatives.  In order to not compromise their missions we will refer to them and to their missions with code words.  The operatives will be referred to as A, B, C, D, and E, and their missions will be referred to as U, V, W, X ,Y, Z, and Z'.  Here is our summary:

When operatives A and B, who were working together on missions V, W, and Z' when they disappeared, were found, they were attending a scrapbooking sleepover in Lehi, UT.  We thought Juliana's efforts had eliminated this pernicious threat to our children's futures, but apparently there are still pockets of people evil enough (or perhaps ignorant enough) to subject our impressionable children to prolonged exposure to hole punches and brads.  A and B had completed missions V and W, and were ready to proceed to mission Z' when they were sidetracked by the sleepover.  While neither A nor B is a teenager or a girl, they attempted to disguise themselves as teenage girls, but after several unsuccessful attempts were nearly ready to give up.  It just so happened that the scrapbooking sleepover was looking for staff, and A and B were able to bluff their way in as staff.  Due to their efforts 53 teenage girls were saved from potential brad addiction and one staff member was exposed as a member of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  In this case, the fiasco with the Allies did not contribute to our losing track of these operatives, it just happened to coincide with their disappearance.  Mission Z' will just have to wait for now.

Unfortunately operative C was not found soon enough to help her, but she is in stable condition in the GNU Public Hospital in Toronto, Canada.  She was able to complete mission Z, but before she could report she was accosted by angry ferrets who caused her to fall into a ravine.  The ferrets have been contacted and it seems they are willing to live by the truce.  They were under the impression that humans were going to start using ferrets as underwear, which has never been proposed.  Okay, so it has been proposed, but it never made it past the proposal stages and was never considered in a full meeting of the Board of Dictators.  Operative C is expected to make a full recovery and will be awarded the Hero of the People, Operative Edition (HPOE) for her valiant efforts.  Unfortunately we cannot reveal her name for fear of compromising her future missions.

Operative D was found by operative E late last week.  D had been attempting mission W but had failed to get past the initial stages and was attempting a risky maneuver when the coyotes he was riding betrayed him and left him in the middle of the Sonoran desert.  (Apparently the coyotes were mad that humans were not containing the wildfires in their brothers' territory quickly enough)  To add insult to injury the coyotes took everything from him that wasn't in his mouth.  D did have a single waterproof match in his mouth and was able to survive comfortably.  He found a source of water and made himself clothes and a canteen from cactus fibers and was about to make an attempt to cross the desert when operative E found him.

Operative E had been working on missions X and Y and was searching for the coyotes that had (unknown to E) recently betrayed D.  He found D early one morning and they were easily able to return to the den of the coyotes.  The coyotes at this point expressed remorse for their hasty decision and asked to be able to help them again.  Operative D continued his risky maneuver while Operative E (who had been searching the desert since before the truce) decided it was time to check in.

We are pleased that our operatives are all accounted for and that none of the injuries they received during the fiasco with the Allies are likely to be permanent or to kill them.  It seems like perhaps the Allies weren't trying to completely destroy us.