Update: Worm Eye Threat (WET)

On Tuesday we reported to all of you about the unfortunate man duped by the New Company into using dangerous gardening tools and having a worm placed in his eye.  Today our operatives have finally finished digging (in the evidence, not the garden) and will be able to educate you as to the threat this actually poses.  The remainder of this post is a summarized version of the report our operatives prepared, which can be obtained by submitting form 9954J-B5 "Request for GPD Operative Output Level 3 (RGOOL3)" to your local GPD office.

WET (Worm Eye Threat)
The New Company has recently introduced a new initiative which they call WET.  Among its stated aims is to destroy the visual acuity of a large number of world citizens and the promotion of what they call "alternative gardening."   There are twenty-three stated aims of the WET project, but most of them were not interesting enough to include in this summary.  See the full text for more details.

WET Phase 1 was carried out in an underground cavern using denizens of the caverns to determine whether WET was viable in humans and in other animals.  While visual acuity was decreased, many animals that dwell in caverns rely very little on vision, so many of the victims felt very little impact.

WET Phase 2 was carried out in India.  The man mentioned in the news reports was their only successful trial to date, and because of the side effect of pain in his eye, the worm did not reach full maturity and was not what they would call a complete success.  The ease with which "alternative gardening" was espoused in this region of India, however, has encouraged the New Company to continue working out the details.

WET Phase 3 is scheduled to be carried out as soon as Phase 2 can be called a complete success, and involves widespread infection on a global scale.  Conservative estimates show that, if successful, their project would limit the visual acuity of 12-15% of world citizens, with high estimates raising that number to approximately 44%.

WET Phase 4 is supposed to be where the New Company steps in with corrective lenses made from hole punch leavings to be provided for free globally.  The dependence produced on the New Company would allow them to peddle their influence to much greater circles and would, left unchecked, signal the demise of the world as we know it and would preclude our reaching the New Future.

Recommendations for combating WET include

1. Resisting the temptation to try new hole-punch based gardening techniques
2. Regular eye exams
3. Moderation on all hobbies, including gardening.
4. A balanced healthy diet, free of brads and hole punch leavings
5. Consistent exercise

Following these recommendations should mitigate the threats posed by the New Company at this time.