Of all the ideas...

Over the course of my lifetime it has been my... pleasure?... to come across many strange ideas that have been turned into products and sold to the unsuspecting masses. Most of these take the form of trendy things that people must have if they are to be cool (think pet rocks, mood rings, friendship bracelets, anything featuring an American Flag in the post 9/11-era), but some are more insidious. We have already mentioned some of these in our posts, including bumper stickers that advertise the lack of intelligence of the buyer, but this is the first time we are taking on the subject directly.

The reason it came up today was a catalog from a place called Terry's Village featuring patriotic accouterments for today's patriotic Americans. One of the items was "patriotic toilet paper." While your first reaction might be "what's wrong with patriotic toilet paper?" we hope your next reaction is "why would you want to do that to something that represents our country?" At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patriotic, but we have to rank this one right up there with the outdoor display of an American Flag printed in obviously-not-indelible ink with a caption that reads "These colors don't run." The irony is delicious.

For the paranoid among us

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not innovative, and that is why we have a whole Research and Development wing. One product they have been working on for quite some time now is targeted at the paranoid among us--especially those who believe they are practically already walking corpses. The prototype (pictured below) is called a "Living Body Bag." While the astute among our supporters will note that it is not yet a complete body bag, we would like to point out that the wearer still gets the feel of being in a body bag AND the freedom of movement afforded by more traditional attire. We would like to congratulate our R&D department and especially Hank Trudeau, the inventor behind the Living Body Bag. Thanks, Hank!

Finally, a reasonable call to Emergency Services

We have spent many hours trying to instruct our supporters on when it is appropriate to call emergency services, and we are finally seeing the fruits of our efforts. In this case, the woman in question called emergency services not because someone was out of lemonade or they didn't have McNuggets, but because there was not enough shrimp in her fried rice. We extend our condolences to the poor woman as the cook didn't even put extra shrimp in there for her! At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased that our instruction is benefiting society!

A Grateful Acceptance

I am honored to have been chosen to be a (probationary) member of the People's GNU Dictatorship Board of Dictators. As you have no doubt read, I intend to do everything in my power to abolish the evils of the Parent Corporation. I am not prepared at this time to give a full autobiographical statement, however I do plan to do so as soon as possible. I am nothing if not pleased at this opportunity.

Welcome, Daniel, the newest (probationary) member of the People's GNU Dictatorship Board of Dictators

We would like to extend our congratulations and simultaneously introduce you to the newest member of the Board of Dictators, Daniel. While his application was impressive, it was his work combating the pernicious evil of stickers that pushed him to the top of the heap. His antagonism for the Company and the Parent Corporation have been proven time and time again. In lieu of adding a full biographical sketch here we have asked him to provide an autobiographical sketch. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to authenticity, and what could be more authentic than an autobiographical sketch? We welcome Daniel to the Board and look forward to his posts!

Influence Laundering

I posted recently about a troubling situation in which the Parent Corporation appeared to not be involved in the bombing of a statue of Vladimir Lenin. It smacked of the Parent Corporation's patented brand of evil, but we could find no connections. I use the past tense because we have finally uncovered one very small and admittedly tenuous connection.

It all unfolded last week when our operative "Natasha" overheard a random conversation while riding public transportation in the city of Pittsburgh. According to her, it went something like this:

"Poor Vlad never knew what hit him, did he?"
"Yeah, he was clueless."
"So have you collected from Hank yet?"
"Yeah, he made good yesterday. I've got your cut at my house."

"Natasha" wisely followed the two individuals and waited until they had settled accounts and left again before breaking into to the house and scouring everything until she found who owned the moniker of Hank. After tracking down Hank she found out he had been paid by Buster, who had in turn been paid by Leah and so forth. After much effort tracing both the upstream and downstream paths she found that the original order had come from a man simply known as "Tyrone" who appeared to be a front for some entity which had hidden its identity too well for "Natasha" to know for sure. Discouraged, she decided to collaborate with her fellow spies and found that "Tyrone" is a pseudonym someone at the Parent Corporation used back in February.

The conclusion we have reached is that the Parent Corporation is attempting to pull off some hard-core influence laundering. They appear to have perfected their technique over many years, and we would still be in the dark if it weren't for the fortuitous information "Natasha" received on that bus ride. There's still a chance that the Parent Corporation is trying to lead us off track by giving us tidbits, but we believe chances are good that we have stumbled on to the most complex web of influence laundering ever devised.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not reluctant to jump to conclusions, but we thought we would announce that we are on to the Parent Corporation's nefarious machinations. We ask all of our supporters to feed us any reliable information they may have, with the warning that we are using Scrabble rules, i.e. that passing information that cannot be verified by our operatives will result in a forfeit of a turn and a loss of the opportunity to score any points.

A Day in the Life

Many of you have asked about what a typical day in the life of a member of the Board of Dictators is like. In this post I will try to satisfy your curiosity to the best of my abilities.

By definition my day generally begins just after 12:00 midnight. I almost always utilize the first several hours in resting and ruminating about the important issues facing the world. Sometimes I even engage in rapid eye movement meditation. On a typical morning I am awakened at approximately 4:30 to respond to emergency situations. More often than not the solutions to these situations are readily apparent and take no more than twenty minutes or so, after which I attempt to meditate some more. On most days there is only one situation at this time of the morning that requires my attention, but occasionally as many as three or four separate crises will unfold during the early morning hours. Regardless of how many of these situations are encountered, by about 6:00 I am generally engaged in diplomatic negotiations, gathering news reports, and piecing together my strategy for the day.

By about 8:00 I am off to the office where I can better focus and implement our designs in the presence of the other members of the Board of Dictators. We hold quick meetings to coordinate our strategies, and then we put our efforts into whatever deeds need to be done that day. I am often involved in diplomatic councils and propaganda campaigns, but on any given day I don't shrink from doing whatever is required of me. I generally work at the office straight through lunch and until about 5:00 pm, at which point I generally return to my home before beginning the second workday. During this second workday I am generally responsible for cleaning up sticky situations and placating irritated parties to treaties and what-not.

By the time these situations are resolved I generally have a few hours with which to pursue my scientific research. That is, of course, when I am not volunteering in my community by teaching civics and science courses to young people. I can't say much about my current scientific work, and actually my lawyers have told me not to disclose prior discoveries in this forum, but they did tell me I could use the phrase "space-age technology" to describe them (After all, anything built in the space-age can be called by that name). After spending time with my research I generally spend some time in rest and meditation and then end my day at 12:00 midnight, again by definition.

I hope this has been instructive for you and will give all of you aspiring members of the Board of Dictators a better idea of what you're signing up for. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to open government and anything that contributes to greater transparency!

Our weekend deliberations

As all of you know over the weekend the Board of Dictators met to consider the applications of two potential members. While there was general agreement that one of the applicants was more qualified than the other, there was not yet general agreement that the applicant in question should be inducted into the Board of Dictators without further surveillance. We resolved to continue our background investigations and run further tests on the genetic material supplied by the applicant. We expect to have a decision in the coming days. Barring any unforeseen complications we should have our decision in a few days' time. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious and we hope our supporters will understand!

For anyone who has ever struggled with mathematics

Everybody knows how important mathematics are in real life, but until now most people have assumed that math is a skill that requires a fairly sophisticated brain. The way it is generally taught in modern schools certainly requires the student to exert him or herself in order to internalize the concepts. It appears, however, that there may be a simpler way to teach math using objects placed near us at birth. As these experiments have shown, chicks can do simple arithmetic with objects they have had with them since birth. They invariably flock toward the larger concentration of such objects even when the number of them is disguised behind a screen. I guess it all proves that our math instruction is wrong. Either that, or that chicks have x-ray vision.

It's almost time for our spring "election!"

We have been busily reviewing applications for membership in the Board of Dictators since last fall, and we have finally finished the initial reviews. There are currently two applications in line to be considered in our spring "election" this weekend, but we are giving all our supporters one last chance to submit your applications. Please be sure to provide all of the required information as our spam filter will reject any applications that do not supply the needed information. We also have other filters set up including our denigration filter which detects insincere applicants, so be careful what you submit.

Although our legal team has advised us not to reveal the identities of the two currently viable candidates yet, we have decided we will share a little bit from their applications. We will refer to them by the names "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" but you should know that those are not their real names. I mean, with a name like "Thing 1" you wouldn't even get past our plausibility filter. Anyway, here goes:

The greatest strengths on the application of "Thing 1" are her culinary training (she learned from one of the world's greatest chefs) and her Accomplishments/Honors. She single-handedly defeated a grass roots movement bent on distributing brads to every child in her home town, and she earned the Congressional Medal of Honor at the age of 17. In response to what is wrong with the status quo she wrote:

"Regardless of the history, the fact that we call the current state of things the status quo is a good portion of what is wrong with the status quo. By calling it the status quo we legitimize the evils in our current society by telling people that this is the way things are. Instead of bowing to the status quo we should be actively trying to rid the world of evil."

We could talk about others of her strengths, but not without revealing her identity, so we'll leave it at this for now.

"Thing 2" is a more traditional conservative candidate for the Board of Dictators. Some of his strengths include his ideas for protecting children from the evils of brads. I would say more, but if I attribute his idea to him in this public blog and we don't give him membership on the Board of Dictators I don't want to have to give him credit for the idea. He has had a difficult past, as evidenced by his response to Topic C:
"I watched in horror as my friends slowly started making crafts with their brads and later even punching holes in their assignments without so much as a thought of the consequences."
He is also optimistic about the fight with the Parent Corporation, as evidenced by this sentence:
"it is not unreasonable to imagine the day when brads and hole punches, and all the other designs of the Parent Corporation will no longer plague the nation or the world"

We wish we could give you more information about these two candidates. They are both excellent world citizens. It is a bit late, but if you want to be considered in this "election" please submit your application no later than 6:00 am UTC Sunday morning. We have put extra filters in place, so only the very best of applications will arrive in our inbox in time for the "election." Other applications will be relegated to our queue for the next election cycle.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for your support, and we hope you all share our excitement at the possibility of a new member of the Board of Dictators.

More about car door locks

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not future-looking, and we hope that our supporters will take the time to feel comfortable around new technology as it becomes available. We are also nothing if not surprised at how often people who are comfortable around new technology can't seem to function when it fails. The recent report of this woman's misfortune has inspired us to urge our supporters to distribute our very informative post "What you need know about car door locks" to all of their friends, neighbors, and acquaintances. If one more 911 call like this can be avoided, we will feel like we have done our part.

Who will be next?

Many of you have asked whether the GNU Public Dictatorship was involved in the recent bombing of a statue of Vladimir Lenin in St. Petersburg, Russia. At first we didn't want to respond because the claim sounded so unreasonable. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not tolerant and would never deface other people's property. If anything, it sounds like the work of the Parent Corporation's evil henchmen trying to besmirch our name. In fact, however, according to our operatives, the Parent Corporation does not appear to be involved in any way. We are troubled by their apparent complete lack of involvement, and more troubled by the fact that many of you, our supporters, thought we might have something to do with it. It sounds like there is some sort of conspiracy brewing, and we hope we'll get to the bottom of it soon. Incidentally, if anyone has any information that would lead to the capture of those responsible for this act or would implicate the Parent Corporation, we are offering a reward. Anyone with useful information will be treated to an all-expenses paid trip to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. If Miss Universe enjoyed it, you will, too!

Richard Carter and John Schroeter, Heroes of the People

We would like to recognize the work Richard Carter and John Schroeter have done for the betterment of society. Their traveling fish car, the Sashimi Tabernacle Choir, is a marvel of modern creativity and embodies the very principles at the center of the GNU Public Dictatorship. It is with great pleasure, therefore, that we award the coveted Hero of the People award to Richard and John. Congratulations, guys!

The importance of admitting one's faults

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not honest, and as we have shown from time to time we do not hesitate to reveal our own mistakes. As a matter of housekeeping we have to apologize to the people of Fargo, ND, for turning our valve keys the wrong way and adding more water to the swollen Red River instead of helping the flood waters to abate. We are pleased that the risk of flooding is receding in spite of our mistake.

Over the years we have seen many examples of prominent people who refuse to admit their own mistakes, and generally the result is disastrous. Case in point, Marcus Einfeld. As a prominent judge in Australia he couldn't bear the thought of living without a driver's license, and so he said he had loaned his car to an American colleague, who happened to have died three years earlier. When that alibi fell through he said he was driving his mother's car, but surveillance photos showed that the car hadn't moved all day. After a series of lies each more pathetic than the rest he finally ended up in jail. The lesson is clear: own up to your mistakes before they pull you down.

Oh, and while we're at it we should apologize to James Grover of San Francisco, CA for the incident with his cat and his lawn mower. Sorry, James.

Always twisting...

In our post about when to call emergency services we tried to persuade people to not call emergency services if they can't get their McNuggets. A few weeks later we posted another example of this phenomenon. Most of our readers understood that what we wanted them to try to resolve the situation themselves and not to bother emergency services. What we didn't expect, however, was the pamphlet released by the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch that quotes us extensively and argues that people should avenge themselves rather than relying on community services. Even when we saw the pamphlet we didn't think it likely that anyone would act on this suggestion, but this incident proved us wrong.

We didn't want to have to do this, but we are now in the process of publishing our own set of pamphlets. The first is entitled "What to Do When You Can't Get Your Burger: A World Citizen's Guide to Conflict Resolution" and deals with the issues that have been causing so much pain. It is co-authored by noted psychologist Dr. Andrew Wittgenstein of Cornell University and follows the Socratic Method. We hope our supporters will help us in distributing this to all of your friends and neighbors. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to common sense solutions!

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2009/03/30/20090330ODDmcdonald-shooter0330-ON.html?&wired

Getting away with it?

We haven't seen any major incidents involving free hole punches just yet, and we are hopeful than none will materialize. We are troubled however, by the recent reports of DNA swab contamination reported here.

We have learned from our operatives that this "phantom woman" is indeed a real person. In fact, she was highly placed in the Parent Corporation (There is some debate as to her position. "Viktor" is willing to swear that she was the COO, but other information seems to indicate she was the CFO. Time will tell, but either way she was (and probably still is) highly placed within the organization) and committed the first few crimes attributed to her. In order to absolve her, the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch embarked on a troubling mission: to contaminate enough DNA swabs so that confidence in her guilt would be significantly undermined. Based on the article referenced above, it seems that they may have succeeded. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not optimistic, and we would like you to all strengthen your resolve to keep the Parent Corporation at bay. Those of you who work around DNA swabs will likely have fewer civil liberties until this thing blows over, but we hope you will understand why we would need to do this.

New information

It seems our operatives have been very busy following up some new leads this last week, and due to their tireless efforts we can now announce to you what the Parent Corporation was planning to do. We assume that they will be smart enough not to try it now that our spies know about it and all of you do, too, but we advise vigilance.

As most of you know, the President of the Parent Corporation has recently been in negotiations with the National Council of Teachers of Crafts in many states to increase the prominence of hole punching in classrooms. It appears that in the last few weeks the NCTC turned him down, and he has resorted to plan B, which consists of trying to get more pictures of hole punches and brads in the books used to teach our children. Our operatives were able to scuttle this effort as well by alerting the publishers to the intent of the Unholy Brotherhood. With these setbacks we believe they resorted to plan C, which was to hand out free hole punches at fast food establishments next week. We believe that we have thwarted their plans, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious and we advise you to watch your children carefully at fast food establishments this week and confiscate any hole punches they may receive.

The problem with death bed confessions

Religious and civic leaders have been telling us for years that we should resolve outstanding issues before we are on our death beds, but few of us have actually heeded them. Well, now those who oppose waiting until the last minute to try to make things right have another example to use. James Brewer thought he was dying of a stroke and called police to him. He confessed to a murder he had committed years ago, and, thinking he was about to leave this world "at peace," he soon found that he wasn't dying after all. Now that he has recovered the police are charging him for the murder. It all goes to show that if you're going to confess to something you shouldn't wait until you think you're about to die. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not practical, and we advise you to (1) not commit any actions that will bother your conscience before you die, but if you do commit such actions, either (2) resolve them before you think you're dying, or (3) take them with you to your grave. Any of these three solutions would have helped James Brewer, but, alas, he has made his choice.

Shifting blame

Recent events have made it imperative that we reiterate that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair-minded. While we applaud the ingenuity of the woman who blamed her stealing of church funds on Satan, we would like to make it clear that anyone caught stealing from the GNU Public Dictatorship will not be able to get away with by blaming the Parent Corporation.

A message of appreciation to all of you

It has been a long time since we have taken time to pay tribute to our supporters and the selfless acts of patriotism they perform each day. With each of you doing your part to further our dream we have to admit that we sometimes take you all for granted, but we wanted you to know that we appreciate everything you do for us. You are our silent cheerleaders, urging us on in an invisible way everyday. I know what you're thinking, "What good is a silent cheerleader? Can I do any good without being heard?" The answer is a resounding yes. Well, the answer to the second question you're thinking is a resounding yes. The answer to the first question is one you could probably find by talking with a representative of the American Association of People with Disabilities.

There are times when laundering money should not be a crime

Money laundering has long been associated with organized crime, and has a deservedly bad reputation. Although the exact legal definition varies among jurisdictions the idea is always the same: cleaning up money obtained from less-than-clean sources. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are generally opposed to money laundering, but we think there should be some exceptions. If, for instance, your two-year-old dog eats US $400 you should be able to clean up what comes out the other end without legal ramifications.

Why rob the jewelry store when you can rob the robbers?

Although our legal team has asked me to write a disclaimer* here indicating that we do not condone the illicit taking of other people's property, we have to applaud the ingenuity of the second pair of thieves in this article. Rather than waste their time and effort planning how to rob a jewelry store without getting caught they put their effort into waiting until someone else robbed the jewelry store and planning how to rob them. Their efforts were, sadly, thwarted when the other thieves fought back and the police became involved, but they do get an 'A' for effort!

*Disclaimer: At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to maintaining law and order, and in no way is this post intended to imply otherwise. Our respect for the idea the second pair of thieves had is based solely on their ability to think outside the box (or, in this case, the store) and not on their avaricious motives or illegal activity.

It's just wrong

Many people in the world would like to tell you that right and wrong are in the eye of the beholder, and that what is right for one person may be wrong for someone else. While this philosophy does promote tolerance for others, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we have to state that some things are just plain wrong. Feeding squirrel-flavor chips to squirrels is one of them. The fact that they seem to like them is another.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to a just and peaceful society. In order to get there we as a society need to have a clear collective understanding of what things are just plain wrong (other than the Parent Corporation and hole punches, of course). Consequently we are starting a new committee which will eventually have local chapters in which we will discuss these evils and get feedback from our supporters on other evils. Our agenda for the first meeting on Tuesday is the following:

Welcome - 2 minutes
Committee organization and selection of chairmen - 5 minutes
Decide whether to open up the window - 15 minutes
Discussion of current evils - 35 minutes
- Feeding squirrels squirrel-flavored chips - 15 minutes
- Kenny G - 15 minutes
- Open discussion of evil - 5 minutes
Closing - 3 minutes

The importance of citations

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against sites that don't post adequate references, and we would like you all to know that we do our best to link to reputable sites. We would also like to draw your attention to a recent article written about the GNU Public Dictatorship, which you can find here*. We hope you appreciate the efforts we take to ensure that our misinformation is as reputable as possible.

* It looks like the Parent Corporation had the article removed from its previous location. We're sorry about the inconvenience.

Cruelty to animals

When we first saw this article, we thought it must be a case of an unfortunate coincidence that happened to result in an uncomfortable time for the cat involved, but as our ever-useful spy "Viktor" investigated, it looked more and more like a deliberate attempt on the part of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to cause discomfort for the cat.

It seems that the cat had been involved in an incident where a hole punch was knocked from its place on a shelf into some machinery that had been making hole punches, and significant damage was caused to the machinery. The hole punch itself was apparently still usable, but the Parent Corporation felt retribution would be necessary in this case. The cat's owner, who is not affiliated with the Parent Corporation, is glad to have his cat back.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against cruel and unusual punishment for pets, and we are pleased that this situation ended well. We pledge to do our best to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.

It's finally all making sense

Most of you have experienced this. You're assembling or installing a new piece of furniture or appliance, and the instructions tell you something so bizarre and unintelligible that you wonder whether it was translated from Shyriiwook in a sweatshop in Vietnam.

I recently found this instruction at the tail end of the assembly of a bookcase:

II. DRILLING TWO HOLES ON THE WALL IT AS BETWEEN TOP PANEL HOLES DISTANCE.

I would try to diagram this sentence, but I'm not sure I was taught how to diagram this. Thanks to "Viktor," however, we now have in our possession the code book to decipher these steganographic messages. It seems that the Parent Corporation has long been using these cryptic instruction manuals to convey secret instructions to their operatives. This particular message, according to the manual we got from "Viktor" it means roughly:

Expect a shipment of brads and hole punches on the third Wednesday of March in Copenhagen.

Which, as all of you who have taken CRYPT 441: Parent Corporation Codes know, means that there has been a change of strategy, and that any operatives reading this message should immediately consult their commanders for new orders.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad it's all starting to make sense!

The dangers of being reactionary

We have seen several examples this week in the mainstream news media of the Parent Corporation reacting to our moves in less-than-ideal ways. Take this article, for example. The pet store owners had made a remark earlier this week about how they're not sure they're going to keep selling hole punches, and this remark was apparently overheard. The Parent Corporation immediately did a knee-jerk reaction, sending a dead body to the pet store instead of some fish. What's more, the fish were left at the airport to die. This recent spate of reactionary behavior has motivated us to react by outlawing reactionary behavior in the GNU Public Dictatorship. Being reactionary is clearly less practical than carefully considering your options, even if it is sometimes more satisfying. As it is clearly less than optimal social behavior, however, from now on any supporter caught reacting in a less than calm and objective way will punished severely.

Because this decision was made quickly without much thought for the implications, we have not yet selected a punishment for violation of the rule. Feel free to suggest punishments at your local GPD offices. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to an efficient society!

The Reason Brads have tines of different lengths

After many weeks of discussions, committee meetings, and focus groups, we have finally decided that the world is in fact ready to know the Reason brads have tines of different lengths. As most of you remember, Jacob Gehris was asked by the Company why he had designed his brad this way, and he responded that it was so that the tines could be separated. All of our historical documents show that this answer was well-received by the Company, presumably because it had nothing to do with the real Reason. As our review of documents acquired in the collapse of the Company continued, we soon learned that it had a little more than nothing to do with the real Reason.

The real Reason can only be understood with the perspective one gains from an understanding of the basic history of the brad, so we will take some time here to highlight the salient points. This summary, however, is not by any means meant to be a replacement for the course HIST 332: The History of the Brad, and we encourage you to enroll as soon as possible if you have not already taken the course. The first references we have to the Brad Guys (then known as the "Sons of Brad") were recorded in the middle ages by priests concerned with what they believed they had uncovered. Until recently, most historians agreed that the Brad Guys believe that the brad was brought to earth many milennia ago by an extra-terrestrial race. Our recent documents dispute this claim, making it more likely that early leaders of the Sons of Brad used this story to help them spread their influence, but that as the members increased in stature within the cult they were told the Secret. There is only one surviving record of a member who threatened to reveal the Secret, and his ignominious fate is best left untold in this public forum. Any supporters who may have a legitimate need for this information can request it by submitting form G9833A: Request for Details of Disgusting Deaths and Worse to your local GPD office. The Secret, in essence, consisted in the knowledge that the first brad was invented by the revered Biggest Brother as a way to punish his wife, who was reportedly unfaithful to him. After creating the brad he had an epiphany in which he claims to have fully understood the sinister potential of the brad and discovered that he should create the cult.

Here is an excerpt from a secret Company document which is a translation of the Biggest Brother's teachings about how he designed the brad:

"My wife had always been fond of creating sculptures out of scraps of wood. I decided I would modify all of her fasteners such that no matter how she fastened things they would fall to pieces. My evil plan was proceeding as I devised the most sinister of all fasteners, the brad! I gave it a rounded top so that it could be pushed by hand or by tool, and I gave it two brass tines. My first attempts had the tines of equal lengths, but it proved less than useful. I thought about it for many a fortnight, and eventually the thought came to me that if I were to make the tines of different lengths they would both be easily separable and also be a tangible symbol of the domination of the strong over the weak. I completed my plan, and my wife was so frustrated with the fasteners that she attacked me. I was forced to defend myself, and by the time I was done defending myself I had embedded many brads into her lifeless body..."

The manuscript goes on, describing his attacks and the utility of his brads as weapons of torture in great detail. Again, we don't think it is appropriate to reproduce it here, but if you feel you need to know, submit your form G9833A: Request for Details of Disgusting Deaths and Worse to your local GPD office and we will consider your request.

This quote does make it clear that the brad has tines of different lengths in part because of the mundane reason Jacob Gehris cited, but more importantly as a symbol of his dominance as the stronger, longer tine over his wife, the weaker, shorter tine. This symbolism, whether you like it or not, pervades all aspects of the brad. It is a physical symbol of exploitation and oppression, and we are glad that the GNU Public Dictatorship we have always been nothing if not opposed to it!

If you're going to steal money... (reprise)

Before we begin let us make it perfectly clear that the GNU Public Dictatorship is not suggesting that you begin a life of crime. In fact, when we are fully empowered we will not tolerate such lawless behavior. In the meantime, however, we would like to give you some pointers on how to steal money while you can. We previously advocated carefully choosing the amount you will steal to be either very high or very low, and we believe this is still sound advice. We believe a review of a couple of recent news reports will provide additional sound advice. We'll first look at one who stole obscenely large amounts and another who stole small amounts over time.

First we will consider the case of a woman in charge of finances at a woodworking shop stealing US $9.9 million to build herself a very fancy closet. She would routinely spend US $24,000 on a weekly basis, using company funds to cover the expenses. She was caught when American Express told the company that she was using the company's checks to pay off her credit card bill.

On the positive side, this woman used her position of trust to get very rich, and because of the way she used the money all that the company could recover was around US $2 million (a net gain of US $7.9 million). She was also able to enjoy the TV in her closet for quite some time before being caught.

On the negative side, has this woman ever heard of laundering money? If the trail had been less obvious from the company's coffers to her credit card account she might have been able to go on stealing, and who knows, she might have been able to put a whole surround sound system in her closet.

One more thing about this woman is that somehow her husband escaped suspicion of wrongdoing. How, we can only guess. He must have known that her designer closet wasn't being purchased using their own funds, but then again, maybe she managed the finances at home and at work and never told him the price of her shoes and handbags.

Our second illustrative example will be taken from this report, but we won't talk about the Fishers, as they were the ones having money stolen from them. We'll focus instead on the "lucky" neighbors who saw their utility bill shrink as they consumed more and more gas. They obviously feigned innocence and got away with nearly US $2,000 worth of free energy.

In this case the careful planning of the "lucky" family allowed them to live it up with free energy while their neighbors paid the bill. They may not have known who was paying the bill, but they certainly knew it wasn't them. They followed the first axiom of stealing money, which, as we all know, is to not draw attention to yourself. They didn't throw any "see how warm I can keep my house" parties or anything.

We hope this review of these cases has been instructive and that you will either avoid a life of crime or at least do it cleverly.

ASCII Art

We would like to thank Frances Werlitzer of Fargo, ND, for submitting this rendition of our logo in ASCII Art. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with artistic effort, especially when it involves our logo!

Sabotage!

We have been watching carefully for signs of the attitude of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch toward the Obama administration, and we feel it is safe at this point to show that the Unholy Brotherhood and the Parent Corporation are taking an adversarial stand. This knowledge heartens us, as we know that the new administration can likely be counted on to help us fight the Parent Corporation when the need arises.

The latest incident to add to our certainty that the Parent Corporation opposes the Obama administration occurred last week and involved the United States and Russia. Hillary Clinton, who is obviously not fluent in the Russian language, gave her counterpart a novelty button inscribed with the word "перегрузка" (peregruzka). It was supposed to convey to the Russians that the new administration wanted to reset relations with them and leave the baggage of the last few years behind. Unfortunately, as many of our Russian-speaking supporters could point out, this word does not by any stretch of the imagination convey the intended meaning. Even babelfish tells us this, translating it to "overload." Our operatives have discovered that the button was originally going to be inscribed with the correct word, but that the Parent Corporation exerted its influence to change the word after the appropriate reviews had already occurred.

While it saddens us that the Parent Corporation is trying to destabilize relations between the United States and Russia, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to have another enemy of our enemies!

Technology the way it should be made

In the good old days technology was built to last. At some point somebody decided that this was a bad business model. If a technology company is to continue to make a profit, they shouldn't have to compete with their older products, should they? The short answer is that they decided not to compete with older models by building into them flaws that cause them to cease to work after a specified amount of time. A Sony VAIO laptop I bought several years ago worked beautifully for three years (the warranty period plus a few months) before the mainboard self-destructed due to poor design. The curious among you can refer to the footnote to find out more about this problem. I'm sure most of you have, at one time or another, experienced this frustration, so it is with pleasure that I refer you to this article which talks about a cell phone taking quite a beating inside a fish and still being functional (after it was dried out, of course). It seems that at least somebody is pushing aside the principles of "planned obsolescense" in favor of durability.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence in technology, and we will take this opportunity to explain our plan for dealing with "planned obsolescence." Under the GPD anyone found guilty of designing a product to self-destruct after the warranty period has expired will be subjected to a full night of listening to Kenny G's album Breathless while sitting in an uncomfortable chair. This may sound cruel and unusual, but as I have subjected myself to this torture (see second footnote) I am authorized to inflict it on others.

1. My laptop died because the capacitors in the vicinity of the processor were affected by the heat of the processor such that their capacitance changed. When their capacitance changed, alarms went off in the processor saying that the capacitance was incorrect, and the processor would abort. It was pretty neat for a while to run the operating system for a few minutes and then have it turn itself off. After a few more weeks it wouldn't even boot. The root problem here was that the designers of the motherboard didn't stop to think for long enough about heat distribution or long-term damage to the capacitors. Because the warranty had expired, however, Sony had no impetus to take responsibility for the design flaw.

2. I endured this torture in 2001 at the Lima, Peru airport. My flight arrived at just before midnight local time and my outgoing flight was supposed to leave at 6:00 am (but didn't leave until almost 10:00 am) so we decided against getting a hotel for a few hours' worth of sleep. They were playing the same Kenny G album over and over and over all night long.

Carried away?

In a recent post we stated that the Future is Now, but we didn't expect the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to get so carried away. It seems that one of their spokesmen is now claiming to be able to predict the events in international politics over the next few years. While we applaud Mr. Panarin's dedication to his ideology, we would like to make it clear that our statement was never meant to imply that the normal flow of time had ceased, it was simply a reference to a movie.

Incidentally, this sort of thing is what we used to expect from the Company's operatives, and, given that the Parent Corporation is so much more formidable than the Company ever was, we were surprised that the Parent Corporation isn't above this. We'll take this as a sign that the Parent Corporation isn't quite so infallible as they claim to be. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to defeating the Parent Corporation!

A despicable new tactic

It seems that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has stooped to a new low in recent weeks, raiding our fast food establishments and causing them to run out of some of the essentials. Our recent post about when to call emergency services related one such story, where our protagonist was denied lemonade because the Unholy Brotherhood had syphoned it all off for their own nefarious purposes. More recently they took all of the McNuggets from a McDonald's location in Fort Pierce, FL, causing this woman untold suffering. I, myself, experienced such an episode in December of last year where the fast food establishment told me their ice cream machine was unavailable.

Due to the efforts of our loyal spy "Viktor" we have been able to link the Parent Corporation to these incidents. Our intelligence shows that they are responsible for nearly all of such incidents that have been reported in the United States over the last three months. Records for the rest of the world are not kept in as much detail, making it impossible for a firm link to the Parent Corporation there. It is our belief, however, that this is an international attack by the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch on one of our core establishments in society.

We advise all of our supporters to report any such incidents to their local GNU Public Dictatorship offices as soon as possible and to remember that if they purchase hole punches or hole punch paraphernalia they are contributing to such dastardly acts. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping fast food fast and free from entanglements with the Parent Corporation!

Beware of Unintended Messages!

While I was taking a leisurely stroll at lunch time today I saw a car with a number of bumper stickers. As I was not engaged in anything else at the time, I decided to read them. Here is what I found:

• "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
• "Consciousness -- That confusing time between naps"
• "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"

At this point I had decided that either the owner of the car was a space cadet or the owner of the car wanted to project an image of a person just barely coping with life's complexities. Either way, the message sent by these stickers is one of enjoying ignorance or deluding one's self in order to be content. The final bumper sticker was the most interesting one, and was the one with a (presumably) unintended message:

• "Ron Paul 2008: Hope for America"

I have to assume that the owner of the vehicle was indeed a supporter of Ron Paul for President, but combined with the other stickers the meaning conveyed was one of Ron Paul being the reality-challenged person's choice for President of the United States.

As we our currently rolling out our own bumper sticker campaign we thought it prudent to ask our supporters to be wary of unintended messages when you place our bumper sticker with the rest of them. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to taking over the world, and with your help we can make it happen!

The Future is Now

I know that many of you have been waiting with bated breath for the day when in-valids will be relegated to work that the rest of us who are genetically superior don't want to do, and I am happy to announce that the Future is Now, even if it isn't at Hudsucker Industries. The LA Fertility Institutes have announced that a trait-selected baby is expected to be born next year! We understand that one baby is hardly a whole new society, but it is always good to see science fiction writers' nightmares come true. If only the Great Cat and Dog Plague would actually happen so we can start getting apes as slaves, I mean pets. I've also been wondering when we'll finally harness all of the biological material in our oceans to create Soylent Green, or when we'll start killing off our citizens when they reach the age of 30, but I digress. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited for progress, especially when it makes the scenarios in our favorite science fiction movies more probable!

The final straw

After reading this report on odd baby names the Board of Dictators has decided that we must act now to stem the tide of odd baby names. Last year we mentioned in a post about liberty and limits that when fully in power we would require first-time parents (or previous offenders) to run their babies' names by us before they can be officially registered. Of course, as parents show an aptitude for naming their own children we will step aside and let them do what they want. While we still are aiming for this goal, we believe that the time is now to do something about this trend.

If you look at this website, which tracks the popularity of names since the 1880's, you will notice that the overall trend of the graph shows that the most common names are being used less and less frequently. Specifically, in the 1950's about 900,000 of every 1,000,000 babies were being named with names that this site tracks, but by the 2000's this number is down to about 750,000 of every 1,000,000 babies. If this trend continues for much longer, just about every person you meet will have a unique name. Proponents of the one-name-per-person initiative argue that this will aid in the unique identification of individuals, but we don't believe that the benefits will be realized due to extra confusion caused by inadvertent misspelling of the names.

Consequently we are launching a new program at all of our local GNU Public Dictatorship offices. If you need a baby name you can come let us help you decide, and if you suspect that someone has engaged in improper baby naming you may report them and let our operatives take appropriate action. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to you!

My coat's spoon cancer (Warning: Images show graphic depictions of spoon cancer and may disturb some readers)

I finally convinced my coat doctor to release the pictures he had taken before he formally diagnosed my coat's spoon cancer. It took a lot of persuasion, but I finally prevailed upon him by explaining that if people don't know what spoon cancer looks like they aren't likely to recognize it in their own coats and jackets. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe nothing if not that coat health is the responsibility of society as a whole, and so we are publishing these photos so that you can spot spoon cancer in your own coats or the coats of your neighbors. If you do happen to spot suspected spoon cancer, please contact your local GPD office as soon as possible.

People are good at heart

Last week the 70-year-old wife of an Ohio judge used her favorite saucepan to defend herself in a burglary, and when she got angry she struck one of the four burglars in the head. The burglars fled and were later apprehended and charged. This might be a pretty good end to a story with a somewhat shaky beginning, but it's far from the end. Because her saucepan had been used as a weapon of self-defense, the police entered it into evidence, leaving our poor protagonist without a saucepan.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not compassionate, and so when we heard of the woman's tragic loss we immediately went looking for a replacement. After asking around just a bit, we found that Chef Emeril Lagasse felt so bad for the woman that he wanted to replace her saucepan, so we let him do it. It all goes to show that people are good at heart, except for, perhaps, those four burglars.

What you need to know about car door locks

A recent incident in Australia and one last year in Orem, UT have convinced us that there is a problem among world citizens: too many of us have not been sufficiently trained in the use of car door locks, especially those that are power locks. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to education, so we'll take a look at the theory of car door locks and then give some practical suggestions.

When cars were first mass produced they were little more than the carriages of the day. In fact, it could be said they were less than the carriages of the day as they did not even have a horse. As thievery had not yet been invented, the doors of the carriages and early cars (when they had them) were not equipped with locks. As time went by many new things were invented, including something called thievery. Apparently someone decided that he would, instead of working for something, take it from someone else. In order to prevent thievery, or at least stem the tide, locks were placed on car doors and keys were required not only to open the doors but to start the cars themselves. The earliest such locks required keys to both enter and exit the doors, but most modern (post 1923) cars do not require a key to exit a vehicle.

With the addition of locks, cars became a safe place to store valuable items such as jewelry. As more things were invented, someone decided to try power locks on vehicles. Now instead of manually latching each door before exiting the vehicle you could, at the flip of a switch, lock or unlock all of the doors. This innovation was initially dismissed as a fad, but is nearly ubiquitous today.

If you find yourself trapped inside a vehicle with locked doors:

• Stay calm. Panicking will likely only deplete your oxygen supply
• Locate the door(s). Most vehicles will have more than one door, so you should keep looking for doors until you have assured yourself that you have found the closest door to you.
• Find the latch on the door nearest you, and pull it to see if it opens. If it does, exit the vehicle
• If it doesn't, try any other doors you can reach.
• If none of the doors open, look for the power lock switch and press it when you find it. If the switch is ambiguous about which is unlocked and which is locked, pick one button first, then the next after you have tried all of the doors within reach again.
• If you heard a click, try all of the doors within reach as per the previous guidelines. If this still doesn't work try pushing the other direction on the door lock and try the doors again.
• If you still can't get out of the vehicle, look for the manual lock on the door(s). It is usually a post on the edge next to the window, but if it isn't there it is generally a labeled lever or something on the latch of the door.
• If you can't read the labels, stop now. Your case is hopeless.
  
• If you still can't get out and are in the back seat, try maneuvering to the front seat and repeating the whole process. The vehicle may have child locks.
• Congratulations, you have extricated yourself from the vehicle. If this congratulatory remark is premature, please stop now. Your case is hopeless.

We hope these guidelines will help prevent situations like those referenced above. If you have any specific questions or feedback, contact your local GPD office.

The Winners

We had a huge response to our contest for describing the aroma of your favorite fried potatoes, and it has been difficult and time consuming to pore over the entries and arrive at a decision. The Board met several times in order to decide this, and sadly the decision of whether or not to release to the public the Reason that brads have tines of different lengths has had to be delayed. We were pleasantly surprised at the quality of the entries (except for a few of them which have been reproduced in the footnote), and so without further ado, here are the top three:

3rd Place:

"Silky and orange with an exquisite furriness." Janet Gonzalez of El Paso, TX, describing her own recipe that she likes to serve at family gatherings.

2nd Place:

"Smooth and heady, with a twist of turpentine." Seth Franklin of Peoria, IL, describing the aroma of his favorite Burger King fries after they have sat out in the sun in his car all afternoon.

1st Place (our illustrious winner!):

"Complex and intense, with supple spiciness." Henrietta Smith of Lubbock, TX, speaking of the fries at Jumbo Joe's Burgers, aged four hours then reheated in a frying pan and served with chili.

The following entries were just awful, and we include them here for your enjoyment:

• "french fry-y" Kirby Wooton of [Location withheld for his protection]
• "salty and oily" Hannah Tremonte of [Location withheld for her protection]
• "yummy" Leah Patterson of [Location withheld for her protection]

Torture

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased of President Obama's announcements that the United States of America will no longer torture its enemy combatants. We have been working for several years to eliminate torture, and we think that now would be a good time to restate our policy on torture.

As a general rule, the GPD does not condone torture. We require our investigators to try any new interrogation method they may propose on themselves before using it on others, and if violations are ever discovered we punish them. The method of punishment for using unauthorized interrogation techniques was recently changed, but it is always a painful punishment that we, the Board of Dictators, have tried out on ourselves. The current method is to smash the perpetrator's pinkies between door jambs and a refrigerator. It may sound barbaric, but I survived the treatment with only minimal permanent damage when I tested it on myself earlier this week, so we believe it to be an acceptable deterrent.

Other than the punishment for using unauthorized techniques the GPD does not maintain a list of acceptable practices. Each interrogator is required to keep his or her own list of methods and to keep proof that they have been tried on themselves. If you have a question about a specific method you have seen an interrogator use or would like to propose a new method, contact your local GPD office. We look forward to hearing from you!

A Clarification

We are always reluctant to respond to unfounded criticism lest we lend it credibility, but these latest accusations have forced our hand. For those who live under a rock we are being implicated in the repeated disappearance of signs for Mullet Place. While we admit that we find the sign intriguing and would find it an interesting conversation piece for parties, we can say without reservation that we are not involved in any way in the purloining of these street signs. This is just another attempt by the Parent Corporation to besmirch our good name, and while at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, we have had enough.

Finally

Those of you who have suffered in silence for so long may now rejoice! The British Journal of Dermatology finally recognizes the condition that we have been informally calling Nintendo thumb for many years now! No longer will we have to hang our heads in shame! When someone asks what is wrong with us we can look them in the eyes and say with confidence, "PlayStation palmar hidradenitis."

We're not doing our job well enough, or so it seems based on the flood of e-mail messages from supporters who don't understand what's wrong with hole punches. Here are some excerpts:

"I know brads are evil, but I have a hard time believing there is anything wrong with using a hole punch now and then. I want to be a good world citizen, but I am going to have a hard time giving up my hole punches unless you can explain to me more plainly why I should."

"If hole punches are so dangerous, how come we didn't have any indication of the fact until early this year?"

"...perhaps because I had first-hand experience with the Brad Guys I found it easier to oppose them. The Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch just don't seem so sinister to me..."

I could go on, but suffice it to say that many of you are questioning whether the Parent Corporation is really the threat we say it is. All this proves, however, is that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch is infinitely more effective in its deceptions than the Brad Guys ever were. The concerns expressed in the excerpts above are typical of the concerns we have seen so we will take some time now to address them.

"...how come we didn't have any indication of the fact until early this year?"

This statement is not true. The GNU Public Dictatorship has been fielding rumors about hole punches many years and we even posted about some apparent dangers of perforation last year. There have been other signs as well. If you search for "dreaded hole punche" on google you will soon find a number of sites dedicated to the dangers of hole punches (unless, of course, the Unholy Brotherhood has exerted their influence and removed the sites). The reason that we have been more vocal about them this year is that the collapse of the Company brought us a wealth of new information about them.

"The Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch just don't seem so sinister to me..."

That's what they want. The Company were amateurs compared to the Parent Corporation. Evil is hardly appealing if it advertizes itself as harmful and destructive. To truly do evil and do it well, evil must advertize itself as something good. The Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch have been working tirelessly for years to make their ugly and hideous deeds seem normal and harmless. Do not be deceived.

"I want to be a good world citizen, but I am going to have a hard time giving up my hole punches unless you can explain to me more plainly why I should."

The most fundamental reason to quit using hole punches cold turkey is that the Parent Corporation doesn't want you to. We understand, however, that given the confusion surrounding them at this point that perhaps this reason isn't enough of a motivation. There are a number of lesser reasons, including:

1. For your health. hole-punch-related diseases kill more people every year, and despite advances in medical technology the death rate for those affected is also increasing consistently.
2. For your well-being. hole punches and hole punch accessories are expensive, and quitting can allow you to put your resources into something more worthwhile.
3. For your neighbors. While you may not believe that hole punches are patently evil, your neighbors probably do. Every time they see you use a hole punch they are less likely to approach you and offer help in times of need. They may even believe you to be a supporter of the Unholy Brotherhood.

We hope that this post has helped shore up the movement to rid ourselves of the scourge of hole punches. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to a better society!

How not to evade the police in a high speed chase

We received such a positive response to our suggestions on how not to fake your own death that we decided to post about how not to evade the police in a high speed chase. We will focus primarily on the not-quite-so-stellar attempt at evasion here, but the comments should aid those who are contemplating taking similar action.

While the details are sketchy about what she was doing, when an officer approached her she refused to roll down the window, choosing to instead stare at the officer and then try to escape, which brings us to the first rule:

1. Know when to run from the police, and when to talk to them. In most cases it is easier to deal with a moving violation or even a court appearance for a misdemeanor rather than to get caught after a high speed chase. The intelligent would-be criminal should evaluate the risk of being caught and weigh that against the penalty for being caught before the chase begins. Only if there is a reasonable chance of escaping from the police should any attempt be made to outrun them.

After running, our perpetrator tried a tactic which seemed to work very well. She kept her lights off, causing the pursuing officers to worry that she was endangering herself and others, and to call off the chase. This brings us to rule number two:

2. If you are in a high speed chase, give the police reason to call the chase off. In the E.T. the children on bikes who were trying to run away with E.T. tried going on roads inaccessible to the police, which seemed to work for a while, but eventually they returned to accessible roads and had to rely on the powers of an extraterrestrial being to fly over the cars of the law enforcement.

After the chase was called off, our woman kept driving recklessly and caught the attention of other officers. This was not ideal, and brings us to rule three:

3. If the chase has been called off, either get off the road or try not to call any more attention to yourself.

And finally, rule four:

4. If you are still being followed, don't stop to valet park your vehicle. You will be caught.

We hope these suggestions will help people avoid high speed chases, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic and we understand that people will have high speed chases no matter what we say.

A boring law suit

One thing that the GNU Public Dictatorship will work tirelessly to limit is the frivolous lawsuit. Such lawsuits are brought by lawyers against corporations with the hope that rather than mount a legal defense the party being named will settle as it will cost them less than clearing their name. While at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe in nothing but fair trials and justice, we believe that frivolous suits (as judged by a panel appointed by the Board of Dictators) should cost the party bringing the suit something. We're just not quite sure what we can take from them without crossing the "cruel and unusual punishment" line.

There have been many examples of such lawsuits, but this one, recently dismissed by a judge, is a great example. In it Mr. and Mrs. Boring (no, I'm not making the name up) tried to sue Google for making their home worth less money by posting pictures of it on their street view service. Even if the home were boring, the Boring's could have asked Google to remove it at any time. Instead, they chose to endure the mental suffering and eventually sue Google.

Spoon cancer, the silent coat killer

While going about my business last week I was surprised to feel an abnormal lump in the sleeve of my coat. It was about six inches long, firm, and rounded at one end. Knowing, as you all do, the symptoms of spoon cancer I quickly made an appointment at the nearest coat medical center. X-rays confirmed the presence of a tumor in my coat sleeve, and subsequent examinations showed that it had not yet reached a malignant state. After a successful operation my coat is recovering well, and doctors say it will soon never know that it was so close to death. Luckily, I took my coat health seriously and had attended my last coat checkup in March of last year.

While my story is not exceptional (the number of coat deaths due to spoon cancer has been on the rise, with diagnoses increasing steadily over the last decade, and up 77% last year alone) we hope it will motivate our supporters not to miss their annual coat checkups. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to coat health, and we feel that it no coat should have to die of a fully treatable condition just because the owner might not have access to coat health care. Consequently, we are instituting a program at all of our local GPD offices where any person regardless of political affiliations can receive an annual coat checkup at no cost to them. Just to show how seriously we take spoon cancer, we'll even check coats for members of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch!

The Great Magenta Debate

There has been a lot of controversy online about magenta lately. No, we're not talking about the character from Sky High who could transform herself into a guinea pig when needed, we're talking about the color, or as one side of the controversy would say, the non-color.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we did not want to enter this fray, but with the increasing intensity of argument on both sides of the debate we decided it would be unwise for us to let this run its course as a large percentage of the world's population would have to be sacrificed before any agreement was reached. We would like to state unequivocally that magenta is a color. If anyone asks, tell them "The GNU Public Dictatorship has approved the color magenta." If they still resist, inform your local GPD office so that appropriate action can be taken.

For those who are satisfied with our pronouncement, you may cease reading right now and go about your life. For those few dissatisfied citizens, we will now provide a brief outline of the reasoning that led to this debacle and the true line of reasoning that will resolve it.

It seems that some bright student of physics noticed that the spectrum (the collection of all of the visible wavelengths of light), which starts with red and ends with purple, and the color wheel are not equivalent. The color wheel is a wheel, and is much like taking the spectrum and making it into a circle. This act places purple and red next to each other and creates the intermediate color magenta (along with many other shades of purples and pinks). This student then decided that if something does not appear in the spectrum (or that it is not composed of a single wavelength of light) it is not a true color. While it is true that magenta cannot be composed of a single wavelength of light, there are many other colors that we perceive that are composed of multiple wavelengths. It is very important here to distinguish between "wavelength" and "color." If people understood this distinction the debate would likely vanish in a proverbial puff of smoke.

The bottom line is that color is an act of perception, while wavelength is a scientific description of the properties of light. Colors are perceived, they do not exist on their own. Wavelengths of light exist on their own, and any perception of the wavelengths may or may not be accurate. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we hope that this clarification will end the debate once and for all.

Is this really a good idea?

With all of the problems we're already having in the corporate world, we at the GNU Public Dictatorship would simply like to ask, "Is this really a good idea?"

Moderation

We know that our local GNU Public Dictatorship offices warned people that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch may be targeting their pets, and we appreciate that many of you have taken steps to protect them from hole punches. We would like to make it clear, however, that we are not in favor of taking this "protection" to the extreme, as in these two cases(one and two). Please remember that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are big believers in moderation.

Some elegant descriptions of your favorite fries

The response so far to our contest has been exceptional. Here are some of our favorites:

• "Woody and round, with a small taste of dry corn starch." James Mansfield of Yakima, WA, speaking of the fries at his local Ron's Tacos and Burgers.
• "Complex and intense, with supple spiciness." Henrietta Smith of Lubbock, TX, speaking of the fries at Jumbo Joe's Burgers, aged four hours then reheated in a frying pan and served with chili.
• "Light and honeyed with a hint of citrus." Craig Olson of Omaha, NB, speaking of the most excellent of his favorite homemade fries. He cleans the potatoes and then ages them for exactly 3 1/2 hours before slicing them and frying them immediately using a secret blend of oils and spices. The fries sit for exactly 36 seconds before being served.

We thank you for your participation, and would like to remind you that there is plenty of time left for submissions!

Update: Virus warning

Our investigations have revealed that the disks received by Franklin and Jill were in fact infected by a virus, but that their quick action made it easy for the hospital's scanners to clean them. There appears to be no permanent damage, but they will need to report for observation once a month for a while as we found that the virus on the disks activates itself every tenth day of every month at 10:10 am. If they were infected in some subtle way not detected by the scanners the doctors should be able to take immediate action then.

Again, we urge all of our supporters to be cautious and not open attachments purporting to be pictures of hot celebrities or puppies, cheap medication, long-lost friends, or cute or entertaining slide shows. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilant!

When to call emergency services

Our report about the Parent Corporation's potential virus mailings seems to have alarmed people more than we had expected, and it appears from some of these reports that people are calling emergency services (9-1-1, 112, 999, etc.) too often. The general rule is that you should refrain from calling emergency services unless it is an emergency. We will attempt to give some simple guidelines to help clarify this.

• If something or someone is threatening your life or the lives of others, it is probably an emergency.
  
• It is not an emergency when the local Jack-in-the-Box runs out of lemonade. It may be disconcerting, and it may be frustrating, but even if the EMTs were to come out they are not equipped with replacement lemonade syrup.
• If someone is injured and needs immediate medical attention, it may be an emergency.
• If there is a fire threatening or consuming a man-made structure, it is probably an emergency.
  
• If you receive something suspicious in your mail (not e-mail), such as the hole punch disks described in our post or a suspicious white powder, it may be a good idea to call emergency services.
  
• It is not an emergency when the clerk at the local convenience store clerk refuses to sell you beer. Again it may be frustrating, but emergency services is not (generally) in the business of providing alcohol to citizens.

We hope these guidelines will help our supporters to know when it is and when it is not appropriate to call emergency services. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not socially conscious!

An invaluable service

Many of our supporters are constantly wondering when the large hadron collider will finally destroy the world. We have heard many reports of people calling repeatedly to Switzerland (and in the process running up huge phone bills) to find out whether the world still exists. Thanks to some bright individuals, you now have an alternative in http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/. If you check it often enough you just might be the first person to know when it destroys the world. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased by the foresight of the creators of this site.

For the aspiring snob

For centuries now the connoisseur of fine wines has been worshiped as the pinnacle of both class and snobbery, perhaps because of the high price tag of learning to be a connoisseur. All of this, however, is about to change. New research commissioned by the Potato Council for National Chip Week is showing that perhaps being a snob is not out of your reach. As it turns out, the smell of chips (or french fries as they are commonly known in the US) is rather complex, and the different variables of what type of potato and what cooking method are chosen can create a wide variety of aromas. Rather than try to rephrase his ideas we'll quote Dr. Graham Clayton here:

Whether oven-cooked or fried, the humble chip doesn't smell of just chips - the aroma is much more complex and probably explains why chips are everyone's favourite.

One might not expect to find butterscotch or cocoa aromas in chips, but it has to be remembered that these are one part of the overall aroma.

Perhaps these findings will see chips treated like wine in the future - with chip fans turning into buffs as they impress their friends with eloquent descriptions of their favourite fries.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to invite all of our supporters to submit their best eloquent description of their favorite fries. Please submit them here or to your local GPD office by February 20, 2009. Remember to include your name, where you are from, and where you got the fries you are describing. If any special aging or other techniques were used, please mention them as well. All participants will receive a 50% off coupon good at the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, TX, and the lucky winner will receive a GPD mug and mousepad. The winners will be announced on February 27.

Virus Warning: Puppies!

Since its creation e-mail has often been a tool used by unscrupulous individuals to wreak havoc on the lives of others. Some send attachments with names like "reallyneatpics.exe" or "verycute.exe" to trick people into executing their malicious code. Others use a feature of SMTP which allows them to masquerade as anyone they like so that they can appear to the receiver to be some reputable institution. They then use this perceived reputation to trick users into visiting web sites that ask for personal information. Most of us are familiar with these tactics and have learned (sometimes painfully) to avoid them.

Recently we have learned, however, that the Parent Corporation is starting to use some of these same tactics with standard or "snail" mail. Franklin Escobedo of Tulsa, OK and Jill Horowitz from Salem, OR have been hospitalized as a precaution after receiving what we believe was a virus sent by the Parent Corporation. The letter they received had a return address of

Your hot frend
339 Bogus Ln
Boiserwq, ID 83702

The first tipoff for the wary is that Boiserwq, while it is similar to Boise, is not actually a city in Idaho, and that "frend" has been misspelled. Upon opening the letter they read a short note, reproduced here:

Dear friend,

I'm so glad we met each other last week in that place you like to go. I know how much you like pictures of cute puppies, so I have enclosed some. Please see the attachment.

XOXO,
Your Hot Friend

Most people at this point would be suspicious about the lack of detail, but our unfortunate victims were careless enough to open the enclosed envelope to see the pictures of the puppies. Unfortunately, there were no puppies. There were only circular disks of paper made from hole punches. These disks were scattered around the room when they opened the pouch, sending our victims into a panic. They did call emergency services and after the cleanup were taken to the hospital and put in quarantine. We haven't as yet found anything nefarious on the disks, but we are treating this as a virus until we can thoroughly analyze the disks to ensure that they will not be made part of a botnet or have their personal info stolen, or perhaps have their memories corrupted.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disturbed about this new attack by the Parent Corporation, and we urge our supporters to resist the urge to look at cute pictures of puppies.

A robbery without honor

Police in Colorado Springs have released photos of a suspect using what they call a Klingon-type sword. What they didn't mention is that this robbery has no honor, and no self-respecting Klingon would wield such a poor imitation of a bat'leth (or "Sword of Honor" in Klingon). We are sure that he is an agent of the Parent Corporation and that he is trying to lead away our unsuspecting youth to a life of crime, but we believe that the Parent Corporation was lax in performing their research and that any self-respecting Star Trek fan would immediately recognize that the weapon was no bat'leth (it was probably purchased or taken from a convenience store in recent weeks) and that instead of being "cool" he just looks foolish. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that if you are going to perform a robbery it should be with honor, although how to perform a dishonorable act with honor is going to be the subject of many philosophical debates...

Persistence

We would like to formally recognize one of our supporters for her great example of persistence. Cha, a South Korean woman, has long sold food and household items to make a living, but the handcart she has been using has been feeling more cumbersome all the time. Consequently she has been working on getting a driver's license so she can purchase a car and use it instead. In this process she has already taken the written portion of the examination 771 times, failing each time. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not impressed by her example, and we hope that each of you will follow your dreams with as much tenacity as Cha!

The official car of the GPD

The Board of Dictators has met to decide on the official car for the GPD, and we have decided on the Peel P50, shown below. While there were many cars in the running, the Peel P50 won out due to its many benefits, including its superior fuel efficiency (an estimated 83 mpg). Other benefits include:

• It has three wheels, reminding us of Mr. Bean's three-wheeled nemesis
• There were only 50 ever made, so it won't be a car your neighbor will own
• The car can be picked up and moved when necessary
• It only has one door, so you won't forget to lock the passenger side door
• It can hold a driver AND a shopping bag!
  

The dangers of (re)acting too quickly

Recently a cabbie in New York City was attacked by passers-by as he tried to force a group of women to pay him for the ride they had taken in his cab. The cabbie had taken one of the women's purses, but let's take a step back and study the situation.

The passers-by were in a vehicle that drove by as the cabbie grabbed one of the women's purses. At this point the only information they had was that the women were upset that the purse had been grabbed and that the man had grabbed it. They had several options available to them:

• Do nothing. The passers-by apparently wanted to aid the damsels in distress, so this was not a viable option
• Stop the car, get out, ask some questions. If the passers-by wanted justice, they should first have determined who was the criminal. They could have asked a few quick questions to ascertain the situation before they took any action.
• Detain the cabbie. Rather than beating up the cabbie, the passers-by could have just detained him and made him give the purse back. If they were able to beat him up and then flee, they certainly could have detained him instead.
• Beat the cabbie up without ascertaining the details of the situation.

While the last option is certainly the most satisfying to vigilantes, it is also the most destructive action they could have taken, and demonstrates the dangers of acting too quickly without understanding the situation to which one is reacting.

With the current economic crisis, many groups are advocating one plan or another to stimulate the economy, and almost all of them say we must act quickly before something bad happens. The truth of it is, however, that they know little more about the effect their stimulus will have on the economy than these passers-by knew about the cabbie. Doing something about the economy is satisfying, but is any old something what we really want to do?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not careful. Our Board of Dictators meets to discuss all of the problems facing society, and we carefully consider every move we make (except for that odortising thing...that slipped through somehow). Rest assured that we are not like the passers-by in this story, and that we try to understand the circumstances and the probable impact of our actions before we act.

Results of the Special Board Meeting

Many of you have written in to know whether we decided to release the Reason brads have tines of differing lengths. We did hold our special board meeting on the 31st of January, but we ran out of time before we were able to reach a conclusion on the issue. Many important questions were raised, and several subcommittees were formed to research parts of the issue. We expect the subcommittees to report their findings soon and once they do we will schedule another special board meeting to discuss their findings. The most important thing for you world citizens to do is to let us do our job and trust that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to improving your lives!

An Outsourced FAQ

We would like to announce that we have outsourced our Frequently Asked Questions department to a nice lady who calls herself Eliza. Below is a small sample. We hope it is as informative for you as it is free for us. (Wait, can it be called outsourcing if you don't pay them?)

Frequently Asked Questions about the GNU Public Dictatorship:

• I do not understand why I should want a Board of Dictators.

Why do you not understand why you should want a board of dictators?

• Perhaps because the idea has never been explained to me

Why the uncertain tone?

• I'm unsure of whether I should support the GNU Public Dictatorship

Does it please you to believe I am unsure of whether you should support the gnu public dictatorship?

• as a matter of fact it does not

Please go on.

• What does the GNU Public Dictatorship offer that I can't get from other government options?

Does that question interest you?

• yes

You are sure?

• of course

Please go on.

• Why shouldn't I throw my support behind a Democracy?

Why do you say your support behind a democracy?

• I didn't. I talked about throwing my support behind a democracy

Why do you say your support behind a democracy?

• I don't

Why do you not?

• because that doesn't make sense.

Do any other reasons not come to mind?

• Well, perhaps because it is brilliant does not come to mind.

Why the uncertain tone?

• I thought this was a Frequently Asked Questions where I got to ask the questions.

Can you elaborate on that?

• This FAQ is worthless

Please go on.

• No, I'm done.

You are being a bit negative.

• I wouldn't have to be negative if you were reasonable

Do you wish that I was reasonable?

• yes I do

You are sure?

At this point the logs show that our worker ended the conversation with Eliza. We know it's not perfect, but any FAQ is better than no FAQ, right? Also, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for the welfare of FAQ writers such as Eliza!

The Wrong Approach

The information explosion has left many people trying to grapple with the complexities of modern life, and perhaps the most common method used to avoid going insane amid the pressures is to abstract the complexity. Most of us don't look at a television and try to understand how the signal is encoded by the camera and transmitted through the air until it is received by a digital tuner that somehow translates the signal back into a picture to display on the screen. Instead we abstract it by declaring that "someone has solved the problem of television signals, and I'll just accept that it has been solved until I am required to understand more for some reason." I would even venture that few people take the time when they make their toast in the morning to think about the processes involved in making their bread warm and toasty.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that such abstractions are a necessary part of living in the modern world and that without them most of us would either go insane trying to understand our gadgets or just get rid of them altogether. We do not, however, believe that people should feel empowered to actually simplify things that they do not understand (assuming of course, that they were not the creator or owner of the thing they do not understand). A recent example in Birmingham, UK illustrates this false sense of empowerment quite well. Because the city leaders don't want to understand the grammatical rules surrounding the apostrophe they prefer to get rid of it altogether, at least within the confines of their influence. This concept, followed to a logical conclusion, does not make a whole lot of sense. No TV manufacturer would suddenly declare that digital signals are too complex, and they are going to ignore important sections of the specification. It just doesn't make sense. Rest assured that no such things will happen under our stewardship.

What shall we do with a drunken sailor? Exchange him for a grumpy pirate!

In an odd twist of censorship, a government-funded book project in the UK has remodeled another beloved nursery rhyme to make it more palatable to our children. Previous censorship of nursery rhymes in the UK have included neglecting to give an award to the story of the three pigs (it might offend Muslims) and changing "Baa baa black sheep" to the less racially offensive "Baa baa rainbow sheep". Now "What shall we do with a drunken sailor?" becomes "What do you do to a grumpy pirate?" leading us to ask the question of what is next. Four and twenty rainbow birds baked in a pie? Little Jack Horner sitting in a corner eating his not-religiously-afiliated pie during the month of December? Three visibility-impaired mice? At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping everyone feel comfortable in society, but we do not believe that drunken sailors, black sheep, or pigs will corrupt our children's minds or incite them to violence against their neighbors.