The Parent Corporation/UBHP Q&A

In light of yesterday's post, we decided it might be a good idea to revise our Q&A about the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to make it perfectly clear what the current state actually is.

Q.  Are the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch still separate entities?
A.  It appears that, officially at least, they are no longer separate.  "Jack" is in charge of both entities, and according to Quisling they are run as one unit.
Q.  What happened to the non-Craftie wing of the UBHP?
A.  Some of them left to join the New Company and have started up an informal group they call the Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  This group is not well-organized and claims no authority from the UBHP, but our operatives suggest this may not be the case soon.  Many of them are clearly frustrated with "Jack" and his bizarre self-serving strategies.  Those who didn't join the New Company or the RBHP appear to have decided that they don't like organized cults and have started practicing the portion of the rites and beliefs of the UBHP that they feel like practicing.  This informal organization is unlikely to be able to mount the kind of attacks we have seen in the past, but may prove to be difficult to eradicate.
Q.  How should we refer to the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch?
A.  In general, you may use either title.
Q.  Is "Edgar" still alive?
A.  Yes, he is currently living in the TORSO reality simulator.  We are changing the parameters of the simulator to make it clear to him that if he were to defect to us he would not face more than 53 years in prison and 20 years of supervised probation after that, but he still hasn't made it clear whether he intends to remain loyal to the Parent Corporation or not.
Q.  Do the New Company and the Parent Corporation still have ties?
A.  No.  It appears that the relationship has been completely discontinued.
Q.  Did the Parent Corporation ever acknowledge that "Edgar" is gone?
A.  No, there have been no press releases from the Parent Corporation since our operatives found "Edgar"--which implies that he was the only person involved in writing their recent press releases.  With this information we believe it may be fair to declare the Parent Corporation defunct, even if it does still exist as part of the UBHP.
Q.  Is "Jack" crazy?
A.  We think so, but his followers apparently do not.
Q.  Does this mean we can buy hole punches again?
A.  Heavens, no.  Hole punches are still inherently evil, and just because the Parent Corporation isn't actively working against us doesn't mean we should throw money their direction.  If we can starve their revenue streams perhaps we can put an end to the organized UBHP altogether, but if we continue to buy from them we will never be able to crush them.
Q.  Is the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators responsible for the decline of the Parent Corporation?
A.  We like to think it was our pressure on the Parent Corporation that allowed "Jack" and his philosophies to gain a foothold, but most of the credit for destroying the Parent Corporation as we knew it should go to "Jack."  His short-sighted ventures and bizarre obsessions have effectively eliminated a once-formidable enemy.

If you have more questions about the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, please feel free to ask!

It's time to come clean

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to honesty and openness, which is why it pains us when we occasionally have to mislead our supporters, even if it is for the greater good.  Embedded in the huge amounts of verifiable and correct data we reported in our post about what we know right now we included a few out-of-date statements that didn't reveal all that we knew right then.  Rest assured, however, that the obsolete statements were there to protect all of you and our trusted operatives, and not merely to keep you from being fully informed.  After all, if we didn't want you fully informed, would we be writing this post?

Anyway, to get to the point, our answer to the question "Is 'Edgar' still alive?" did not, unfortunately, reveal all that we knew about the situation at the time.  Now that we have completed our operation (more about the information gleaned from our operation when we have had a chance to collate and catalog the information we obtained) we can be more frank about what we know.  If they have not already, the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch will soon discover that they have not had "Edgar" in their midst for the last month, but our loyal Count Quisling.

In late June our once-maligned operative "Nikolai" discovered "Edgar" passed out in a gully just outside the Parent Corporation's headquarters.  Sensing an opportunity, he quickly put his missions on hold and checked "Edgar's" vital signs.  Finding him to be alive he decided to observe him for a while.  Several hours later "Edgar" appeared to take a turn for the worse, at which point "Nikolai" took him to the GNU Public Hospital's secure ward for further observation.  The opinion of the expert attending physicians (at least after they relentlessly ridiculed the opinion of the intern who suggested that "Edgar" appeared to have attempted suicide) was that "Edgar" had probably ingested some hole punch leavings tainted with noxious chemicals with the hope to end his miserable existence.  Our operative inside the Parent Corporation was contacted and, since we found that the Parent Corporation knew nothing of "Edgar's" current state we devised a brilliant plan to replace him with his twin, Count Quisling.  Quisling bravely offered to have his pinkies severed so that he might more fully deceive the Parent Corporation, but our operative assured us that "Edgar" always wore his prosthetic pinkies and that nobody would notice.

Quisling was quickly able to gain entry to "Edgar's" offices, and began surreptitiously copying interesting files.  As it turns out, however, all of the interesting files predated the merger with the UBHP, which raised Quisling's suspicions.  Instead of being an in-and-out operation, Quisling decided to stay (against our wishes) to find out whatever he could about the current state of our nemesis.

We have known for a long time now that "Jack" has his own motives for the Parent Corporation and the UBHP, but we never suspected how completely his vision had been accepted.  It seems that nearly everyone that disagreed with his vision joined the New Company when it split, and that the few remaining dissenters have either recently retired or disappeared under mysterious circumstances.  According to Quisling, none of "Edgar's" associates remains at the Parent Corporation/UBHP, which is likely why "Edgar" decided to get out.  "Edgar's" role was so diminished that since we had Quisling (acting as "Edgar") resign a week ago we have heard no rumblings of looking for a replacement for him or any memo thanking him for his services or anything like that.

As for "Edgar," we placed him in the TORSO reality simulator and are watching his movements closely.  He has not yet admitted that he tried to kill himself, but his aimless playing of first-person tetris all day at "work" implies that his spirit has indeed been broken by "Jack".

We cannot yet release all of what we found about "Jack" and his fellow "Crafties" but we can say this: the Parent Corporation and the UBHP are mere shadows of the threats they were just a few months ago.  They have abandoned their goals of spreading hole punches and other evil office products in favor of hording them for themselves.  According to several memos they no longer consider us their enemy.  Unless something completely unexpected happens, we believe they will probably be occasionally annoying but of little real global consequence.

Equality and Communication

For those who follow such things (which we hope is all of our faithful supporters) this recent article about the inequality of man (and beasts) has been causing a good deal of controversy since its publication.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not egalitarian, which is why we feel the need to tell you what this means for you so that we can keep you in your places without having to impose our will on you violently.

The fundamental argument of the article is that egalitarian models are less efficient than hierarchical ones, and that hierarchies arise naturally out of the need and desire to improve efficiency in decision making.  We have posted about these ideas before and have come to the same conclusions.  What makes this article so controversial among our supporters, however, is the suggestion that all are not created equal.  At the GPD we believe that all men are created equal, but that through their choices they differentiate themselves.  Those of us who are members of the Board of Dictators have obviously differentiated ourselves very well and have established that we are fit to run the world, while many of our enemies have shown utter disdain for society and have made it very clear that they cannot be part of the New Future.  The vast majority of world citizens, however, are part of neither group.  The aforementioned article mentions that the more reliable the "Big Man" is, the steeper the hierarchy will be.  We believe that since we, the Board of Dictators, do such a fine job, the hierarchy will be essentially flat, with one shining group of pillars among world citizens: us.  This model will keep democracy alive by flattening the hierarchy for the vast majority of world citizens and simultaneously retain the efficiency of a steep hierarchy.  World citizens will be able to rejoice that they are all on the same footing, while we will be able to direct humanity (and other forms of life) in a peaceful existence.  What could be better?

Complaints

Many of our supporters have asked whether we reached our goal of 3 million complaints for the Allies by the afternoon of July 4.  The short answer is yes.  The longer answer is that we had received all of the complaints by the afternoon of July 4, but because of some logistical failings and the fact that most of our United States volunteers were participating in festivities on the 4th of July we did not compile the list until Thursday at about noon.  We delivered the 3.4 million complaints we received to the Allies later that day, and, while they expressed sympathy with the pain our supporters have felt, they did not apologize or tell us they had made a mistake in their plans.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not forgiving, but it does irk us that our (purported) Allies do not appear to regret nearly dividing us in two.  While reproducing all 3.4 million complaints here would be overkill, below are a few of the complaints received through our Austin, Texas GPD County:

• "I have been forced to submit to a DNA test to prove I do not leave stools around the neighborhood. How humiliating."  (Submitted by Rex)
• "I believe My text editor has been hacked" (Submitted by Jane Neuman)
• "Jimmy (the neighborhood squirrel) is far too popular" (Submitted by Ferdinand the Crow)
• "Antibacterial soap is used far too much" (Submitted by representatives of the Lactobacillus bifidus community in Austin, Texas)
• "People keep calling me 'Bessie'--it's offensive" (Submitted by Mary the cow, who believes the Allies have turned people against cows)

We would like to thank all those who submitted complaints and we assure you that full relations with the Allies will not resume until we have satisfied ourselves that all of your complaints have been addressed!

Culprit(s) Identified

In our post on Monday we asked our supporters to look out for any of the counterfeit job postings, and thanks to your loyal enthusiasm we have now identified the person or persons responsible for posting them.  It seems that there was a small group of operative aides that have been feeling left out since when we advertise that an operative is working on something we never explicitly recognize the team of aides supporting that operative.  The aides have been dealt with appropriately, and will not be repeating their mistake.  As a side note, the policy of the GNU Public Dictatorship is to use code names for operatives and their support staff.  When we report that "Viktor" uncovered a large conspiracy, for instance, we mean that the operative whose code name is "Viktor" (in this case Eduardo Hans Gottlieb*) was the one putting himself in harm's way but also that his support staff (who will remain nameless for their protection) probably helped him in researching or placement or extraction.  We aren't giving glory to the operatives or their support staff directly, but to both of them indirectly.  We hope you will all understand, and for all of you support staff, we sincerely hope we won't have to deal with you as well!

* Most of the time our operatives' names are never revealed.  The case of Eduardo Hans Gottlieb is different, as we thought for a while that he had died a horribly messy death in the middle of a key operation.  We wrote his obituary a few months after his apparent passing and then learned that he hadn't actually passed away.  In most cases we would retire the moniker "Viktor" and assign a new one, but since all of his living relatives and friends are already operatives for the GPD, the precaution seemed unnecessary.

The Return of Baby Piracy?

Since we exposed the baby pirates for what they were we had thought the general public had steered clear of baby piracy.  Unfortunately, this does not appear to be the case.  When this incident occurred earlier this month we sent our operatives to investigate and found that despite our pleas the piracy of babies continues in remote parts of the world.  We thought they would be smart enough to obtain documents for their pirated babies, but it appears that they hold the pirated babies in lower regard than we thought, endangering them by putting them through the X-ray machines at the airport.  Rest assured that we will redouble our efforts to ensure that creators of babies don't have to worry about other couples stealing the results of their creativity without giving proper attribution.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not determined to stamp out this heinous practice once and for all!

Are they mocking us?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence in world domination, which is why we are always looking for expendable people with low-to-moderate skills to further our aims and bring the New Future.  Some have labeled us "uncaring" or "exploitative" but we think they are just plain wrong.  Our goals for the GPD require that all world citizens bear some of the responsibility and the costs, and to expect members of the Board of Dictators to endanger themselves on missions where the odds are stacked against us or to serve as guinea pigs for new inventions is unreasonable.

Recently we discovered that someone (probably either inspired by the New Company or a disgruntled employee who is upset at the lack of glory they have received in our organization) posted a sign that parodies our job listings and tries, presumably, to dissuade the intelligent from applying to help in the New Future.  Here is the sign we discovered:

Here is one of our job listings from last week:

WANTED: BENEVOLENT DICTATORS seek malleable individuals to dedicate their lives in ongoing attempts to rule the world.  Must be prepared to work at nearly any time of day or day of the week and must be willing to forgo most compensation until after successful completion of ruling the world.  Enemies abound, so the risk of a messy death is a real one, but uniforms and prototypes of all new weapons (including, but not limited to, laser death rays) will be provided.  Full background check will be run; weirdos please refrain from applying.  Apply at your local GNU Public Dictatorship office at ___(address hand written here)__.

While the posts are not identical, there is certainly a bit of similarity and it is clear that the poster of the "EVIL GENIUS" ad wants to paint us as (1) evil, (2) fascist, (3) psychopathic, and (4) uncaring.  We object strenuously to this portrayal of our operations even while we are grateful for the characterization of our plans as "genius."

If you encounter such ads in your neighborhood please contact your local GPD office so that we can investigate them and take appropriate action.  At the GPD we are nothing if not geniuses!

Update: Sewing Needles

Many of you provided your input on sewing needles, and we debated their merits and dangers for many hours yesterday.  We had made our final decision and were about to release a statement, when we received confirmation that the individuals involved in the needle sandwich incident were not working with any organized group of evildoers.  Our decision remained unchanged, but some of the wording in our official statement had to be changed to remove references to the New Company.  Here is our official statement:

Sewing Needles are plentiful in today's world, and most of them are used correctly.  Sewing machines often have needles, and many travelers carry sewing kits that include one or more needles.  You may not be aware that nearly all of your clothes are made on sewing machines, but it is certainly the case.  As with many implements we encounter in our day-to-day lives, however, sewing needles can be used for evil.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, which is why we recommend the following guidelines when dealing with sewing needles or any other implements that can be used to perforate:

1. Be aware of the sharp end of the needle at all times.  Needle accidents can be very painful.
2. Do not use needles to attack others. They are quite small and will likely damage your tissue nearly as much as the tissue of your enemies if you use them in close combat.
3. Put needles away as soon as you are done using them. The number one cause of needle accidents is improper storage.
4. Do not ingest needles.  If you encounter a needle in your food, stop eating it immediately.

While we believe that sewing needles, used improperly, can cause severe discomfort or transmit pathogens, safe sewing needle use is possible and does not take much effort.  Consequently, the GPD does not recommend ridding your homes and offices of sewing needles.

We would like to ask all of our supporters to step up to the task we have given you and use needles responsibly.  If we hear of too many incidents we will have to reverse our decision and add them to our list of evil implements, which would have serious repercussions for the fashion industry.

Update: Worm Eye Threat (WET)

On Tuesday we reported to all of you about the unfortunate man duped by the New Company into using dangerous gardening tools and having a worm placed in his eye.  Today our operatives have finally finished digging (in the evidence, not the garden) and will be able to educate you as to the threat this actually poses.  The remainder of this post is a summarized version of the report our operatives prepared, which can be obtained by submitting form 9954J-B5 "Request for GPD Operative Output Level 3 (RGOOL3)" to your local GPD office.

WET (Worm Eye Threat)
The New Company has recently introduced a new initiative which they call WET.  Among its stated aims is to destroy the visual acuity of a large number of world citizens and the promotion of what they call "alternative gardening."   There are twenty-three stated aims of the WET project, but most of them were not interesting enough to include in this summary.  See the full text for more details.

WET Phase 1 was carried out in an underground cavern using denizens of the caverns to determine whether WET was viable in humans and in other animals.  While visual acuity was decreased, many animals that dwell in caverns rely very little on vision, so many of the victims felt very little impact.

WET Phase 2 was carried out in India.  The man mentioned in the news reports was their only successful trial to date, and because of the side effect of pain in his eye, the worm did not reach full maturity and was not what they would call a complete success.  The ease with which "alternative gardening" was espoused in this region of India, however, has encouraged the New Company to continue working out the details.

WET Phase 3 is scheduled to be carried out as soon as Phase 2 can be called a complete success, and involves widespread infection on a global scale.  Conservative estimates show that, if successful, their project would limit the visual acuity of 12-15% of world citizens, with high estimates raising that number to approximately 44%.

WET Phase 4 is supposed to be where the New Company steps in with corrective lenses made from hole punch leavings to be provided for free globally.  The dependence produced on the New Company would allow them to peddle their influence to much greater circles and would, left unchecked, signal the demise of the world as we know it and would preclude our reaching the New Future.

Recommendations for combating WET include

1. Resisting the temptation to try new hole-punch based gardening techniques
2. Regular eye exams
3. Moderation on all hobbies, including gardening.
4. A balanced healthy diet, free of brads and hole punch leavings
5. Consistent exercise

Following these recommendations should mitigate the threats posed by the New Company at this time.

Horrifying

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not shocked and appalled by the lengths to which our enemies will go to destroy society.  Take, for example, this incident, which even the mainstream media labels as troublesome.  The fact that someone decided to add sewing needles to airline food is disturbing at the very least, and more likely horrifying!  The GPD has always opposed illicit perforation and twisting, and, while sewing needles are generally very useful tools, we are now considering whether sewing needles have enough potential for evil that we should ask our supporters to refrain from using them.  If you have a strong opinion about sewing needles, please contact your local GPD office before tomorrow's meeting of the Board of Dictators.

As for responsibility for this incident, our operatives obtained a New Company memo in which "Gertrude" refers to this incident and asks for restraint in "uncontrolled operations," but we are still not sure whether the New Company was involved or not in this incident.  Clearly the intent of these needles was to perforate people's mouths, which is consistent with the New Company's goals, but we wonder whether they would create an incident such as this one, which will likely cause people to fear needles rather than to embrace them.

Despicable

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if appalled by our enemies' lack of concern for human (and non-human) life, but every now and again they still do something so despicable that we have trouble believing it.  Take the case of this Indian man, who was clearly deceived by the New Company into using untested and dangerous hole punch-style gardening tools.  His wife didn't want to create an enemy of the New Company, but she does clearly want to point the finger at her husband's "gardening habits."  We're not sure why the New Company would want to puncture this man's eye and insert a worm, but we have some suspicions.  We'll investigate them, but please, please, PLEASE do not let anyone talk you into using hole-punch-style gardening tools lest you, too, have a worm growing in your eye.

Lost Operatives Found!

We recently reported that we were still unaware of the locations of several of our operatives in the wake of the fiasco with the Allies.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be able to reveal that we have now found all five lost operatives.  In order to not compromise their missions we will refer to them and to their missions with code words.  The operatives will be referred to as A, B, C, D, and E, and their missions will be referred to as U, V, W, X ,Y, Z, and Z'.  Here is our summary:

When operatives A and B, who were working together on missions V, W, and Z' when they disappeared, were found, they were attending a scrapbooking sleepover in Lehi, UT.  We thought Juliana's efforts had eliminated this pernicious threat to our children's futures, but apparently there are still pockets of people evil enough (or perhaps ignorant enough) to subject our impressionable children to prolonged exposure to hole punches and brads.  A and B had completed missions V and W, and were ready to proceed to mission Z' when they were sidetracked by the sleepover.  While neither A nor B is a teenager or a girl, they attempted to disguise themselves as teenage girls, but after several unsuccessful attempts were nearly ready to give up.  It just so happened that the scrapbooking sleepover was looking for staff, and A and B were able to bluff their way in as staff.  Due to their efforts 53 teenage girls were saved from potential brad addiction and one staff member was exposed as a member of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  In this case, the fiasco with the Allies did not contribute to our losing track of these operatives, it just happened to coincide with their disappearance.  Mission Z' will just have to wait for now.

Unfortunately operative C was not found soon enough to help her, but she is in stable condition in the GNU Public Hospital in Toronto, Canada.  She was able to complete mission Z, but before she could report she was accosted by angry ferrets who caused her to fall into a ravine.  The ferrets have been contacted and it seems they are willing to live by the truce.  They were under the impression that humans were going to start using ferrets as underwear, which has never been proposed.  Okay, so it has been proposed, but it never made it past the proposal stages and was never considered in a full meeting of the Board of Dictators.  Operative C is expected to make a full recovery and will be awarded the Hero of the People, Operative Edition (HPOE) for her valiant efforts.  Unfortunately we cannot reveal her name for fear of compromising her future missions.

Operative D was found by operative E late last week.  D had been attempting mission W but had failed to get past the initial stages and was attempting a risky maneuver when the coyotes he was riding betrayed him and left him in the middle of the Sonoran desert.  (Apparently the coyotes were mad that humans were not containing the wildfires in their brothers' territory quickly enough)  To add insult to injury the coyotes took everything from him that wasn't in his mouth.  D did have a single waterproof match in his mouth and was able to survive comfortably.  He found a source of water and made himself clothes and a canteen from cactus fibers and was about to make an attempt to cross the desert when operative E found him.

Operative E had been working on missions X and Y and was searching for the coyotes that had (unknown to E) recently betrayed D.  He found D early one morning and they were easily able to return to the den of the coyotes.  The coyotes at this point expressed remorse for their hasty decision and asked to be able to help them again.  Operative D continued his risky maneuver while Operative E (who had been searching the desert since before the truce) decided it was time to check in.

We are pleased that our operatives are all accounted for and that none of the injuries they received during the fiasco with the Allies are likely to be permanent or to kill them.  It seems like perhaps the Allies weren't trying to completely destroy us.

A positive step!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, which is why we have been waiting to impose our will on the world until they are ready.  That moment appears to be nearing, as in a Pew Reseach Center poll conducted last week the GNU Public Dictatorship finally received a plurality of votes!  Respondents were asked to choose among several potential forms of government.  Included on the list were the status quo, corporate governance (think the New Company or the Parent Corporation), religious radicalism (think the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch), Bashar al-Assad, parliamentary systems, and several others.  More people chose the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators (11%)  than chose any other system (the status quo had 10.8%), which is just plain awesome, and takes us one small step closer to our goal of world domination and the New Future!

Choosing When to Disobey the Law

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the rule of law and order, but we also understand that sometimes it may be necessary to violate a law or two when a higher purpose is at stake.  The challenge, of course, is to determine when a higher purpose is actually at stake.  To address this challenge Johann LeBeau, our Director of Education, has been creating a course that will be offered at your local GPD county offices very soon.  Quite a number of our supporters have already taken the course while it was in beta, but we believe that when "Choosing When to Disobey the Law" is available everywhere people will not have to think so hard about whether a specific situation is justification for breaking the law.  We hope that this course will prevent situations like this one, in which Flora Burkhart decided that keeping her ice cream from melting was adequate justification for leaving the scene of an accident.  Some of you may be asking why ice cream isn't important enough to justify leaving the scene of an accident, so we'll elaborate a bit on the nuances of the situation.  The following graph from the course materials should help:

This graph should help you decide whether to stop and wait for the Police or to flee the scene of an accident.  While this is clearly an oversimplification, the primary variables to consider are the value of the ice cream and the outside temperature.  Other variables that you should consider include the amount of time already spent with the ice cream in the car and the temperature of the freezer at the location of purchase or acquisition.

This graph is just one of the many useful tools available in the new course at your local GPD office!

Unfair

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair, which is why we find it despicable that a lifeguard can be fired for saving a life outside his jurisdiction.  We know that the reach of the New Company is extensive, and we would like to make it clear that none of our supporters will be punished for combating evil regardless of whether it is in their designated watch area.  On the other hand, we have assigned you all designated watch areas for a reason, and if you leave your watch area unattended while pursuing suspects elsewhere, be aware that you will be held responsible for any hullabaloo in your own watch area.

Nonsense?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to accuracy and fairness, which is why when we discovered that the machine we used to talk to a cuttlefish was tampered with we used it on ourselves.  Daniel, Juliana, and I used the machines during a recent GPD meeting.  We all experienced minor headaches, for which we apologized to Crktdwk, but perhaps more striking is the nonsense that came from the machine.  Here is a portion of the transcript provided by the machine (the transcript provided by our secretary follows):

Daniel: The next item on the agenda of the signs of evil and danger to the miners in England.
Juliana:  We have new information?
Tim: Team, are children of parents said that the air filter, put a label on the wrong key '.
Daniel: These reports, at least a few hours before, and I think it will take positive action.
Juliana: If so, we must move forward.
Tim: Opinion.
Daniel: Approved.

And from our secretary:

Daniel: The next issue on the agenda is the threat posed by evil stickers to coal miners in England.
Juliana:  Do we have any new data?
Tim: We have anecdotal reports of blocked air filters caused by children re-affixing portions of evil stickers on their parents' gear.
Daniel: Those reports are at least a few hours old by now, and I believe we have already taken corrective action.
Juliana: If that is the case, I propose that we move on.
Tim: Agreed.
Daniel: Agreed.

The discrepancy is small but significant, and sheds some doubt on our conversation with Crktdwk, but we still believe there may be octopi out there mad enough to try to give humans mad cow disease because of the compacted Gross Domestic Product, but we will decrease the priority of our investigations in this realm.  Opinion?

An apology to Crktdwk

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why when we discover that the machine used to communicate with Crktdwk the cuttlefish was tampered with by "Edgar" while he was impersonating Count Quisling we feel we should apologize.  The tampering appears to have affected the accuracy of the translation and the pain(lessness) level of the original machine.  We are sorry that  he had to suffer slightly, and we have promised to use the machines on ourselves in the near future in order to patch things up.  A formal apology has been sent to Crktdwk and his kin, and we hope that our negligence in this matter will not complicate human/non-human supporter relations.

A Summary of What We Know Right Now

Many of our supporters have submitted form UU77712-J (Request for Summary of GPD Knowledge) regarding several topics lately.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned that we seem to be falling short in providing the information you have come to expect from us, so we will take a post to answer publicly many of the forms we have received.  (We're sorry, Edward F. of Tallahassee, Florida...we are rejecting your request for a summary of what we know about Grebans.  You'll have to rely on our already published statements as we deem the risk to society of exposure of known successful and unsuccessful techniques too great).

About the Allies

114,103 of the forms we received asked for more information about the Allies.  Apparently we have been vague about several aspects of our relationship to them.

Q.  Didn't the allies join us in February of 2010?
A.  While it is true that many of the Allies joined our ranks in 2010 (including Wolfgang Gottlieb, father of our top operative "Viktor") it is not true that the Allies were absorbed by the GPD.  They continued to meet independently of the GPD and have at various times been less communicative.
Q.  Why don't we just annihilate them if they are at cross purposes with us?
A.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to our peaceful ruling of the New Future, which is why we cannot afford to alienate any group that is not clearly evil.  The Allies have disagreed with us on several occasions, but we are united against the New Company and the Parent Corporation.
Q.  What are the Allies up to?
A.  According to our recent meetings they have many secret missions under development.  They disclosed to us some of their current goals and were able to persuade us that, while their recent actions were deplorable, they are not incompatible with our long term goals.
Q.  What are the secret missions they have disclosed to you?
A.  We cannot at this time discuss this matter, as the missions will affect the security of world citizens living in the affected area or areas.
Q.  Will the GPD become part of the Allies, or vice versa, or will they continue this uneasy partnership?
A.  The answer to this question is unknown at this point.  Oh, wait... we do know that we won't become part of the Allies, but we are unsure about the other options.

About the New Company

87,221 of the forms asked for information about "Gertrude" and the New Company.

Q.  Is "Gertrude" a phantom or a real leader of the New Company?
A.  Yes and yes.  The "Gertrude" we examined earlier and determined to be a real woman was merely a figurehead that was used and discarded when she no longer proved useful.  The real "Gertrude" is much more mysterious and may not be a woman at all.
Q.  Is the New Company a formidable threat?
A.  Yes.  They possess many of the attributes that created the Company's success so many years ago, and they also benefit from a knowledge of how we defeated their predecessors.  They are still bent on world domination and on the widespread use of brads, hole punches, and evil stickers.
Q.  Does the New Company still report to the Parent Corporation?
A.  Our operatives would say no, but we hesitate to answer so definitively.  There still appear to be ties, but in recent months no reporting structure has been uncovered.
Q.  Is the New Company bent on destroying the Parent Corporation?
A.  Possibly.  There is some animosity there, but there are also some ties.  We won't know for sure until they make their strategy more clear.

About the Lost Operatives

23,917 of the forms asked about the five operatives that have gone missing.

Q.  Were they working on anything terribly important?
A.  Yes, all of our operatives are.
Q.  What about the operatives tasked with finding ways to get high scores on popular online games?
A.  You're saying that isn't important?
Q.  Have you found them or traces of them?
A.  Not yet, which is why we are still a bit mad at the Allies for causing us to lose them.
Q.  Who are they?
A.  Loyal operatives of the GPD.  Their names will not be released, but know that "Viktor" is not one of them.

About the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch

27,333 of the forms asked about the Parent Corporation and the UBHP.

Q.  Is the Parent Corporation still a threat?
A.  Under its current leadership we believe it will continue to be more and more irrelevant.  "Jack" has taken the merged Corporation in such a bizarre self-serving direction that we don't believe it will survive beyond the end of this year, but perhaps with enough restructuring it could be a viable company soon.
Q.  Is "Edgar" still alive?
A.  We think so, although we haven't heard from him for some time now.  We believe he is either being manipulated by "Jack" or he is complicit in "Jack's" strange goals.  If he is dead then there is somebody impersonating him in the Parent Corporation, as recent photographs do surface from time to time.  We don't know of anyone other than Count Quisling who could pull that off, but we know that he would have to cut his pinkies off in order to do so effectively, and the last time we saw Count Quisling (just over a week ago) he still had both pinkies.  Unless they were prosthetic, which we didn't verify.
Q.  What does "Jack" want to accomplish?
A.  We have no idea.  He seems to be stuck in a ridiculous "Craftie" fantasy with no apparent reason.

We hope this has cleared up some confusion about what we are up to, and that you can now stop flooding our inboxes with these forms!

Bring Your Own...

In many industries companies have decided that they can cut costs by asking employees to bring their own laptops or tablets so that they can do their work.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to thrift, which is why we have taken this idea and expanded it.  For many companies the largest expense besides salaries is the facilities, which is why we are now proposing that budget-conscious firms should close most of their offices, retaining in them only the portion of the equipment and employees that need to be there, and instead of providing offices or cubicles for employees to ask them to bring their own office.  There are many styles that could be accommodated, including a drive-in-movie style, where employees park in a large parking area and use provided power cords and wireless access to do their work, all the way to more luxurious bring-your-own-office arrangements such as parking garages with shade (so that employees don't have to run their air conditioning the whole time they are working.

We are trying a test implementation of BYOO at the GPD headquarters, and our accountants are telling us it is saving quite a bit when compared to company-provided offices.  They tell us we could save even more by asking everyone to work at home and telecommute, but everyone knows that communication is a problem when people don't work at the same location.  One troubling trend we have noticed, however, is that some employees are trying to outdo each other and show their status by the luxury of the office they bring to work.  Perhaps we will have to furnish offices just to keep this competition in check...

A Truce

Our second day of meetings with the Allies is proceeding better than the first, and we would like to announce that we have laid the groundwork for a truce.  The conditions of the truce are that we will not move to harm them in any way and that they will cease attempting to harm us.  While it may seem rather rudimentary, especially to those of you who have taken Diplomacy 4421A: The Art of the Peace Summit, we believe it is a positive step.  The Allies continue to insist that their motives have always been innocent, and that they mean us no harm, but we aren't sure we're ready to believe them yet.  Unless we encounter some difficulties, however, we believe that we will suspend our talks for now, and focus on the more pressing issues, like reconstructing our research and finding the lost operatives that were in the midst of it.

Outlook not so good

We are well into our first day of meetings with the Allies (if they can be called our allies) and we are sad to say that we have made little, if any, progress.  We appear to have understood correctly the motive and method of their operatives, and we are not pleased to learn that we have been targeted for bifurcation.  They are urging us to keep listening to them, and we will for now, but we are quickly losing patience (although we are reluctant to sever our relationship with them).  We are pleased that their attempts to divide us have not been successful, but we are disappointed that we have lost several weeks worth of effort.  Recent figures show that no fewer than seventy-eight of our operatives were slowed by the recent feuding, and at least five operatives have disappeared along with their reports.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the New Future, which is why we won't let these setbacks destroy us, but we would like to ask all of our supporters to join us in letting the Allies know they have gone too far this time by visiting your GPD county offices and filling out a complaint card which we will deliver to them.  Our goal is 3 million complaints by tomorrow afternoon!

Peace!

It is with great pleasure that we announce that representatives from many of the species that make up our supporters have met to declare a cease fire and to patch up relations.  It seems that the revelation that an outside entity was trying to divide us has evoked the opposite response!

On a separate note our meeting with the Allies begins tomorrow.  If you have suggestions on what we should say/do to them, please submit them at your local GPD office by 6 am UTC tomorrow morning.  We look forward to hearing from you, and we hope you all enjoy our rediscovered unity!