Essay Responses

We have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of the responses to the essay questions on the application for membership. We've quoted two passages from the responses to each topic below. We wanted to give credit where credit is due, but our lawyers tell us it would expose us to liability if we disclose the authorship of the quotes before we make our decisions on the applications. Apparently somebody could sue us for something-or-other. We weren't really listening to them very closely. We still want to give credit, so we'll give first names only and hope our lawyers don't read this post.

From Essay Topic A: Explain what is wrong with the status quo

"Perhaps the primary thing wrong with the status quo is that many people refuse to believe that there is something wrong with it. We can't improve our situation if we don't admit to ourselves that it needs to be improved. We also need more Pokémon movies."
--Michelle

"It's not about making money, it's about taking money, destroying the status quo. Because the status is not quo. The world is a mess, and I just need to rule it."
-- Billy

From Essay Topic B: Democracy is often touted as the surest way to a society that is best for all concerned parties, but it is clear that democracies often discriminate against minority groups, and there are inefficiencies introduced by the endless cycle of debate and the system of checks and balances. Dictatorships are clearly more efficient, and when run properly can benefit society more than a democracy can. Please choose one side in this debate and argue your case.

"One common criticism of Dictatorships is that they are less-than-friendly to minority groups. This criticism, however, should also be brought against deomcracies, as any group that does not have enough representation to gain a majority in some geographic division is denied representation. Dictatorships, in this case, are no worse than the supposed best alternative."
--Catherine

"When faced with urgent threats democracies can sometimes act decisively, but there is almost always a backlash against the executive branch for seizing 'too much power.' Dictatorships never have to deal with this backlash."
--Jerry

From Essay Topic C: Make a case for your membership in the GNU Public Dictatorship’s Board of Dictators. Explain why you are essential to our success.

"The Board of Dictators has operated for too long without a nose-flautist. Just think of the publicity and the interest that it would generate to be able to offer GNU Public Nose Flute Lessons. As an added benefit, I'm also an expert at T&C Surf Designs: Wood and Water Rage."
--David

"I have studied under the best guerilla vegetable artist in Illinois, and I intend to use my acquired knowledge to benefit the entire world. I am well-versed in classical and Norse mythology. I have three post-graduate degrees in the social sciences and can honestly say that there really is only ONE point of view. We must all unite in order for the few to govern us."
--Gwen

From Essay Topic D: Brads are known to be very sinister. Please explain how you have defended the world against this threat and how you would use your office (should you be chosen) to keep everyone safe from brads.

"As long as the world continues its pernicious slide toward full acceptance of these metallic demons our children will never be safe. The first thing I would do as a member of the Board would be to stage an 'accident' involving brads. The softer methods of informing the public aren't moving quickly enough, but if the public has to deal with a brad crisis then perhaps we will get through to them."
--Linda

"The first thing to be done about brads is to make them less available. We must work with the major purchasers of brads, the US public school system, and first convince them to stop buying brads. Without their subsidy, the brad industry will likely collapse on itself within weeks."
--Geoffrey

From Essay Topic E: Who is the coolest member of the Board of Dictators and why is he/she the coolest?

"Juliana is probably the coolest member of the Board of Dictators, although the difference in coolness among the three members of the Board is rather slight. The deciding factor for me was that I was able to use some of my connections and to get the elementary school records of all three members of the Board. It is true what they say about your permanent record, by the way. It is clear that from an early age Juliana was more popular than her counterparts, which makes her cooler than them."
--Harvey

"Craig is clearly the coolest as the average temperature in his hometown is the lowest of the three."
-Danielle

Business Casual Dictators

Here at G.P.D. headquarters, we hosted a "Bring Your Child to Work" costume party today. Needless to say, the turnout was substantial and our photographs of the nearly-completed theme park were greeted with youthful cries of joy.

The winner of the costume contest was Abe Smith, who dressed up as his idol, Abe Lincoln. The award was based more on the ideal than the actual delivery, since we at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not dedicated to learning from those great leaders who have come before us.

Little Abe was, surprisingly, the only child who did not choose to dress up as a Future Public Dictator. Naturally, we on the Board were flattered by the attention and lavished praise accordingly. After the many variations on the costume we saw, we were struck by one important quality: those who most closely resembled the actual Board of Dictators wore business casual clothing.

And here at GNU Public Dictatorship, that summarizes what we are: we are a Business Casual Dictatorship. We have no desire to put ourselves above you: the little people who contribute to the world in whatever small way you can. We at GPD have no need for Neimann Marcus bespoke suits or large personal accounts for clothing expenses. We offer ourselves to you as we are--simple, pure and genuine.

Beware those who value the appearance of goodness more than goodness itself. Genuine concern cannot be written off as a business expense.

Heintz Grubermann

When our supporters do something exceptional we feel the need to honor them by talking about them here. The winner of our recent church sign contest is no exception.

Heintz Grubermann IV was born in Vienna, Austria in 1975, the son of Heintz Grubermann III and the latest addition to the famous ad design family, "The Flying Heintzes." He was steeped in advertising throughout his youth, and produced his first multi-million-dollar ad campaign at the age of three. "I thought all of the children my age were in advertising," he remarked to the Österreich Journal when they interviewed him. While he was clearly adept at design, he recalls feeling immense pressure to live up to the family name. In 1980, at the age of 5, he checked into a local clinic and was treated for stress-induced depression. Before long, however, he was back at the drawing board. "I never studied traditional school topics," said Heintz, "as they were not relevant to ad design. I was 20 years old before I learned of World War II, and I didn't hear about World War I until two years later. My parents never thought to teach me history."

Despite the stressful working conditions Heintz continued to churn out one ad campaign after another, and began to be accepted by his family as an equal. We don't have time to list all of his ad campaigns here, but a simple google search reveals many of his career highlights.

Earlier this year Heintz started work on his logo for the GNU Public Dictatorship. He put his soul into creating the perfect logo, and was quite disappointed when he learned that he had lost to Maksim Svayak. Heintz doesn't remember what he did in the ensuing days, but his father recounted that he stopped doing ad desing work for at least four hours, then went into a trance. His father took him to the clinic that had helped him at age 5, and they were able to get him back to health within a few days.

Heintz did not stay down long. He poured himself into new ad design projects and was able to crank them out at a speed that astounded his father and grandfather. At this time he also welcomed a son into his life. Not surprisingly, he named his son Heintz Grubermann V. He did vow, however, to let his son learn a little bit of history before working full time in the ad design company. When asked if his son would be allowed to pursue the career of his choice, Heintz seemed a bit confused. "What else is there?" he stated, completely seriously.

When he learned of the GNU Public Dictatorship's church sign contest he went to work and came up with what ended up being the winning entry. Said Heintz, "I just thought for a few seconds and then moved on. I never dreamed I would win." Heintz will soon be treated to a two-week vacation at the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, Texas. We asked him what he was looking forward to most. His answer? The GNU Public Area.

A Successful Diplomatic Campaign

I'm pleased to report on my recent diplomatic mission. Stronger ties were built with the leaders of various groups, including the Adygs of the northwest Caucasus region, the Cupeño people of southern California, and the Gorani in the Balkans. In addition, the office product manufacturers Soennecken, Leitz, and Ampad agreed to cut brad production and in the case of Leitz, eliminate it entirely.

One thing I'm sure you've all noticed is that it is getting increasingly hard to acquire brads. We applaud the companies who have listened to our appeals and our supporters who have refused to purchase them. In the not-so-distant past you could walk into almost any store to purchase brads, but now you have to walk into specialty stores. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for your support!

Ride the Cool Bus

A friend once observed that it is impossible to look cool while waiting for the bus. I've often thought about his assertion while driving past bus stops, and have not yet found an exception. (For those not schooled in proof techniques, it is generally impossible to prove a statement such as the one made by my friend without finding all examples, so the fact that I have not found an exception yet doesn't mean that the statement is true, just that it can't be proven false yet). Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that riding the bus, at least in this country, is considered patently uncool.

Although we have struggled to keep your gasoline prices low, we can't do so forever. Eventually the demand for oil will increase to the point that the oil companies will be able to charge a fortune for it, and we'll be forced to look at alternative transportation strategies. What we need is a campaign to make riding the bus "cool" again.

What we need from you, our supporters, is a concerted effort to change this image. Please contact us with your experiences. Here are some suggestions on how to increase the coolness of riding the bus:

If you are in high school:

• If you are are popular, just ride the bus and encourage others to do so. Popularity may not equal coolness, but in the eyes of your peers there is little difference
• If you are unpopular, refrain from riding the bus. This may seem like the wrong approach to encouraging bus use, but if we can have fewer undesirables on the bus it might be cooler.

If you are a senior citizen:

• If you can refrain from making angry comments about the younger generation, please ride the bus.
• If you cannot refrain from making the comments, please stay off the buses. It would not do to have cool young people feel threatened by the older folks.

If you do not fit either category:

• If you are considered "normal" (at least by those who don't know you well), please ride the bus
• If you are considered "nerdy" or "geeky" or "stinky", please refrain from riding the bus.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with the future of energy prices!

Keep the Applications Coming

When we posted the applications for membership in the Board of Dictators we knew we would get quite a few applications, but our inboxes are completely full!

It's almost like a once-in-a-century tsunami!

GNU for President

We'd like to thank all of our supporters who have been pushing to get the GNU Public Dictatorship on the ballot for this year's election.

Now is not the time, but we appreciate all of your support!

The Dining Philosophers

Once upon a time there were four philosophers. Their real names had long ago been forgotten, but they called each other Adam, Blake, Carl, and Dudley. Dudley was the most outspoken of the group, and he one day invited Adam, Blake and Carl to dine with him.

The philosophers, being philosophers, did not have much in the way of worldly possesions, but Dudley did own a small square table, four chairs, four plates, two knives, and two forks. Due to their indigent circumstances the philosophers did not mind sharing utensils with each other, but because they were rather eccentric they would absolutely refuse to eat without both a knife and a fork in their hand.

Dudley arranged the table with one plate on each side, and between the plates he placed a fork or a knife, carefully ensuring that each philosopher would have a fork on one side and a knife on the other. When his guests arrived he saw them to their seats and served the meal. The philosophers out of habit, all reached for the silverware on their right. After they grabbed the untensil there, they then tried to grab the one on their left, only to find it was gone. They were all hungry, and each refused to let go of the utensil he had.

This situation continued long into the night, and in fact continued until Blake, exhausted, collapsed. Adam grabbed the knife he had, proceeded to eat, and then left his silverware which allowed both Carl and Dudley to dine. Poor Blake had to wait until he was revived.

The story of the dining philosophers is an old one in the lore of computer science because it demonstrates the dangers of reaching deadlock in an uncoordinated society. If citizens pursue their own interests without regard to society's interests there is a chance that they will find themselves holding on to a fork (or a knife) and refusing to give it up until their neighbors release the knife (or fork). This situation is clearly not desirable.

We promise a solution to the dining philosophers' problems. The solution has two phases:

1. Help society coordinate its actions so that we can all benefit
2. Buy more forks and more knives

Rest assured that we are working hard on these goals, and that with your support we will achieve them. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to you!

The Swing Voter

It's that time of the year. As the US election inches closer people begin to think more and more about politics. I overheard a conversation a few days ago that made me think that perhaps I should post this. The conversation went something like this:

Woman: What's a swing voter?
(explanation: the TV had a statement on it asking whether Palin could capture swing voters)
Man: It's someone who doesn't always vote Democrat or Republican
Woman: ?
Man: You know, just because someone is a Republican, they don't have to vote for a Republican candidate.
Woman: Really?
...

It went on, but that was the gist of it. I would like to make sure that all of our supporters know that the beauty of democracy is that we, the people, get to choose who our leaders are. The two-party system prevalent in US politics is not enshrined in the Constitution, and people, regardless of their party of choice, are welcome to vote for anyone.

The real question is why anyone would want to vote for anyone but the GNU Public Dictatorship?

Finally!

We at the G.P.D. have been working tirelessly for years to be able to publicly announce our findings regarding scotch tape. Ironically, this work was one of the major contributions of our former partner "Viktor" who was recently recruited by the Company.

In the 50s, "Viktor" was heavily involved in what we then called "extreme science." In other words, he looked into projects that others considered unlikely or impossible. His scotch tape work in conjunction with some Russian scientists was considered a joke by many, but we have never given up on turning his findings into something to benefit The Public.

Finally, one of our research labs has had success in duplicating the findings that "Viktor" effortlessly discovered half a century ago. Be sure to read the full report over at New York Times. This is merely one of the ways that the creativity of your friendly neighborhood dictatorship is working toward a New Future. We are nothing if not dedicated to making each day more innovative and successful than the previous. We at the GNU Public Dictatorship will never rest until we have brought a peaceful end to the problems plaguing the public today.

Application Materials

The 2008 Application for Membership in the Board of dictators is finally available. Please fill out the form in hard or soft copy and turn them in to a member of the Board. Applicants who pass the first round will be given information on how to submit their elementary school transcripts and assorted blood work. Thank you for your patience.

Submissions not received by "election" day, November 4, 2008 will not be considered. Please send the applications with plenty of time to spare. Happy applying!

The form is available as a Microsoft Word document or a PDF and in US and International Versions.

Version	Word	PDF
US	US2983-2008C	US2983-2008C
International	W2983-2008B	W2983-2008B

Church Sign Contest results

We would like to thank all of the participants who contributed to our church sign contest. Unfortunately, we can only award one grand prize, but we are extending an opportunity to the runners up to receive either a free GNU Public Dictatorship window decal or a discount pass for the GNU Public Theme Park. Just let us know which you would prefer and we'll get it to you. Once we narrowed the field to the nine finalists shown here, we used a rigorous survey process to assign Likert scores to each of them. Participants were asked to evaluate several statements on a scale of 1 to 7 with 7 meaning "strongly agree" and 1 meaning "strongly disagree". These scores were then combined and weighted based on the least-squares distance to the Board of Dictators. The statements used in the survey were:

1. This church sign could fool someone who didn't know it was faked
   
2. This church sign makes me laugh
3. This church sign expresses the values of the Board of Dictators
4. This church sign is not overtly offensive to any group
5. This church sign is clever

Our runners up included the following:





Many thanks to Gerald Narvaez of Fargo, ND, Cecily Lewis of Rochester, NY, Kyle Trache of Austin, NM, Pepe Garcia of Juarez, MX, Wilhelm Mohler of Leipzig, and Harry Pratt of St. George, UT, respectively for these entries. Now, on to the top three!

In third place we have this entry from Lucy Harrison of Lexington, KY:


In second place we have this one from Erika Johsnon in Edmonton, Canada:



And our grand prize goes to Heintz Grubermann of the famous ad design family "the flying Heintzes". Congratulations, Heintz!


The contest may be over, but we encourage submissions of any and all propaganda. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we value your creativity!

We're still working for you

For those who haven't noticed, the price of oil has hit its lowest value since June 2007.  Please take a moment to thank Juliana for her tireless efforts on this front.

Diplomacy is Hard

It is human nature to believe that any field in which one excels beyond one's peers is difficult. It helps us to believe that we are contributing to the world in a way nobody else could. In most cases, this statement is correct. Unfortunately, we often extend this thought one step further. We often try to say that the field in which we excel is more difficult than the fields in which others excel. This statement is generally false.

Take, for instance, the field of diplomacy. I am not a career diplomat, but engage in diplomacy on behalf of the Board of Dictators when the need arises. I have spent the last few days negotiating with a brad manufacturer, and I can tell you that diplomacy is hard. At a dinner meeting last night, for instance, my counterpart from the brad manufacturer talked unceasingly. I was surprised to see at the end of the meal that his plate was empty, but I think I'll blame that on gnomes. What was more frustrating than the amount of talking, however, was the content of the talking. This individual apparently believes himself to know a good deal about everything, but the things he said reveal that his actual knowledge is far short of his perceived knowledge. Diplomacy is hard, though, because I couldn't just tell the guy he was full of it, but instead had to listen to all of his tripe while subtly dropping hints about the dangers of brads and the reasons his company should limit production. It appears that the negotiations are going well (assuming he doesn't find this post and connect it to himself) so let's cross our fingers. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not tolerant of irritating people!

A Matter of Principle

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe. This lady, for example, refused to pay the US$7.45 she owed the restaurant because she had reason to believe that the manager was collaborating with the Brad Guys. As a result, she will now stand trial and face a possible fine of US$500 and 60 days in jail.

What she didn't know, however, was that the restaurant manager was not collaborating with the Brad Guys, he was spying on them. The manager, who will remain nameless for now, has been a faithful supporter for years. Now that he has been exposed we are currently working on placing him in a position where he can continue his surveillance.

We are currently negotiating with the authorities for the release of our valiant supporter, and are hopeful that her case will not go to court. If it hadn't been for the testimony of our friend the restaurant manager, she could easily have gone unnoticed and rotted in jail for two months.

We ask our supporters to use common sense in confronting the Company:

• If you suspect that someone is collaborating with the Company, contact your local GPD Office
• Record any conversations you may overhear
• Do not expose yourself as an opponent of the Company until a representative of the GNU Public Dictatorship is present
• Do not take vengeance on Company supporters. You could be charged, as our supporter was this time, for anything you do to them.

We understand how important the principles of the GNU Public Dictatorship are, but we ask our supporters to think before they act in our behalf.

More Diplomacy

Much was accomplished during my diplomatic mission in September. I'm pleased to announce that recent events have encouraged the GNU Public Dictatorship to send me on another diplomatic mission. I am also pleased to announce that my traveling companion will be the famed Hero of the People, Nathan Swenson. While our itinerary will remain secret (Remember the Alamo!), I will try my best to let you know about my successes without letting you know exactly where I am until I am no longer there. My goals for this trip include:

• Spreading awareness of the dangers of brads
• Forging stronger relationships with as yet unnameable world powers
• Learning more about a significant (but also unnameable for now) group of potential supporters so as to win them over

I would love to be able to tell you where I am traveling so that those of you that live near my destinations could come out and meet me, but we can't ignore the lessons we learned from our dear departed Mr. Ralston. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not quick to learn!

Progress!

It appears that we have finally convinced the world's leaders that we can solve the financial crisis, and they've agreed to come meet with us to talk about it. If things go well at the summits, the Board of Dictators will be able to extend our influence immensely. We're very excited!

New Intelligence: WMDs in the hands of the Brad Guys

Our latest intelligence confirms what we have feared for quite some time--the Brad Guys have some WMD's (Weapons of Mashed Destruction). According to our intelligence, they currently have only two prototypes, but they are readying the infrastructure to create more.

While we knew they would eventually stumble on the plans regardless of the efforts we have taken to dissuade them, we were surprised at the rapid development along this front. If we don't take action now, it is likely that every Brad Guy in the US will have a pneumatic potato cannon in his possession by the end of the year.

So, what can we do? We suggest that our supporters do the following:

• In the immortal words of Douglas Adams, "Don't Panic"
• Call the GNU Public Window Inspector's office and have them check your windows for resistance to Weapons of Mashed Destruction
• Teach your children about WMD's and the dangers of befriending those that possess them
• Purge your house of brads and related accessories, and don't give in to the temptation to buy more. Whatever money you give to the Company only goes to aid the Brad Guys
• Rest assured that we are doing all within our power to limit the spread of WMD's in the hands of the Brad Guys. We at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not diligent.
  

Another clumsy attempt

Our enhanced security seems to be causing the Brad Guys some trouble. Last weekend they broke into my car (not so hard, since one of my doors had been refusing to lock) and put glue in the ignition. Our intelligence reports show that their plan was to wait until I had to leave my key in the ignition, then break into the vehicle and steal some sensitive documents they supposed I kept in there. They may also have been after the vehicle itself, but I can't imagine why. They were thwarted, however, in that when I found that my key had been glued I parked in my garage and not on the street. Honestly! Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with Team Rocket!

Just when we thought people were listening

I have to tell you all that I am very disappointed. Most of you know that the last presidential debate is now over, and the astute among you will also remember that none (yes, none) of the questions had anything to do with how the candidates would use the Presidency to keep us all safe from brads. How can such an important issue be entirely ignored?

We have spent quite a bit of time over the past weeks rallying our supporters and asking them to submit debate questions about brads, and we have submitted a number of questions of our own, including:

• What do you see as the most sinister aspect of brads?
• We realize that many of your campaign contributions come from companies with ties to "the Company". What favors do you feel you owe to the Brad Guys?
• What steps would you take to reduce the use of brads in day cares, preschools, and elementary schools?
• Who should pay for the campaign to eliminate brads from our schools?
  

We had a lot more, but there's very little point reproducing them here, as the candidates clearly won't bother to answer them now.

I know what you're thinking: "If they're such hot-shot future dictators, why didn't they just exert their influence and make the moderator ask those questions." Well, to be honest, we thought about it and decided that it just doesn't sound very democratic. I mean, what's the point of using a democratic institution to further your purpose if you have to make it visibly undemocratic in order to do so? We don't like to crush democracy all that often as it tends to make our supporters nervous. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if comforting!

Milestone for the GNU Public Theme Park!

I'm pleased to announce that we have reached a milestone on the GNU Public Theme Park. Development has finally stabilized it to the point that we are ready to branch for release. We are feature complete and the safety manuals have been written and reviewed. We will no longer be accepting ride modifications on the release branch without bug reports attached. These restrictions are necessary in order to have a stable release on 1 November, 2008 as planned. For those more interested in the cutting edge, development on the HEAD will continue as before.

We're still flattered

Several of our readers in the Anaheim area have pointed out that, search as they might, they can't find the sign that Jaime Rodriguez sent us. In fact, they say, the cannot find the Anaheim First Episcopal Church. We'd like to reassure these readers that we already knew this, and never intended to convey to our readers that we thought the church sign in Jaime's picture was authentic. We were flattered that he thought to create such a picture and thought that perhaps such pictures might increase our clout with certain religious groups that seem to be opposed to one central world government.

We are quite disappointed with our supporters for not understanding this without our protracted explanations, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not quick to forgive. In fact, in the spirit of Jaime's picture, we are now opening up a contest for the best fake church sign picture supporting our government! The prize: a coffee mug and a two-week vacation at the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, Texas. Please submit as many signs as you want. Family members of Board members are not eligible to win the prize, but they are encouraged to enter often.

The deadline for submissions will beTuesday, October 21, 2008 at 17:00 UTC. Late submissions with exceptional merit may be considered, but don't bet on it.

Here are a few selected resources for generating church sign pictures:
http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/
Reform Church of God sign generator
The Church of Scientology sign generator
The Westboro Baptist Church sign generator

Happy sloganizing!

Spies in our midst

Our increased security is starting to pay off. Last night we uncovered a small brad-guy cell that had been operating very close to me and my family for many weeks now. We believe that they have been responsible for most of the intelligence for their failed assassination attempts. The Company will surely miss having this information.

As it turns out, my sister-in-law had made an acquaintance early this year with a young man who called himself "Brad." We all know that that isn't his real name, but my sister-in-law at the time refused to pay attention to the warning signs. This "Brad" has been texting my sister-in-law for months now, and while my sister-in-law knows very little about the inner workings of the Board of Dictators, she surely gave "Brad" enough bread crumbs to piece together a desperate strategy.

The story takes an interesting turn in early September, when my sister-in-law came to live at my house for a time. She continued texting this "Brad" and continued giving him more bread crumbs. Unfortunately, as she was living with us, the crumbs were now significantly more valuable. We have traced the text messages and found that my sister-in-law did in fact let "Brad" know that we were eating at a restaurant in San Antonio. Anyway, to keep it short, it appears that "Brad" was the source of all of the intelligence they have used over the past months to attack us.

Last night, this "Brad" was bold enough to accept an invitation to come to my house to watch movies with my sister-in-law. This was his undoing. I immediately recognized him for what he was, and was able to detain him. For the curious among our readers, his real name is Harold Walker, and he has been with the Company for 10 years now. I grilled him about his cell and he offered very little resistance. Thanks to his testimony we have apprehended all of the members of his cell and are currently expanding our search. We urge all of our supporters to look at not only their acquaintances, but their friends' acquaintances and try to identify the Brad Guys out there. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we're nothing if not vigilant.

We're flattered!

We just received this pic from Jaime Rodriguez of Anaheim, CA. It's encouraging to see evidence of our growing popularity. Thanks, Jaime.

Country Eaters

It's disappointing that Hebrew daily Haaretz is backpedaling so much over the story they recently published. What's more disappointing is that they have opted to capitulate to the Ukranian resistance movement that doesn't want the world to know about their country-eating technology just yet. What's even more disappointing is that the source that leaked the information to Haaretz is not willing to stand by his earlier statements.

If you're confused right now, that's okay. I'll try to explain the whole situation for you. One of the things Juliana did not know for sure yet is that "Viktor" and the Ukranian resistance movement had been using a portion of our funds to steal research on how a country could eat another country. We have only recently firmly established this fact, but we needed to let the world know about the threat of country-eating without delay. Fearing that verifying the financial records could take several days, we leaked information about the country-eating technology to the Foreign Minister of France, Bernard Kouchner. Mr Kouchner at first seemed willing to leak this information to the world on our behalf, and had himself quoted in Haaretz as saying that Israel would eat Iran before Iran acquired nuclear weapons.

We know now that we should have never trusted Mr. Kouchner, but should have waited for a day and published the information to the world ourselves. We wanted to get the information out there before we had finished our own investigations, but we see now that our plan has backfired and that convincing the world of the dangers of country-eating technology will now be more difficult. Apparently the Ukranian resistance movement saw the quote and launched a campaign to discredit it as a misquote. They also put some pressure directly on Mr. Kouchner and Haaretz. They were able to persuade Haaretz to "correct" the quote on their website and were able to convince Mr. Kouchner to go along with it. What is most ludicrous, though, is that Israel "hitting" Iran is a much more awkard phrase than the more conventional Israel "attacking" Iran. How dumb do they think we all are?

I fear I am ranting a bit too much, but it makes me angry when our fellow world leaders don't do their part. I don't think Mr. Kouchner (or "Viktor", for that matter) will be in serious consideration for joining the Board of Dictators this year.

Betrayed!

The GNU Public Dictatorship is in shock and mourning today as we discovered the treacherous betrayal of one of our top agents. "Viktor" was one of our most charming and loyal friends as he worked tirelessly over the years to stabilize the situation for us in Ukraine. (We felt it was our duty to try to lend our peace-loving resources to a country which has seen so much turbulence and pain during recent years.)

"Viktor" worked with top officials to try to encourage diplomatic relations and work toward economic stability in Ukraine. He single-handedly, but discreetly, brought about the introduction of the hryvnia and was also heavily involved in the much-lauded first Ukrainian Sea Launch project.

To our chagrin, disappointment and embarrassment, "Viktor" has been secretly employed by a Ukrainian resistance movement for months now. As his betrayal was discovered, Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko immediately dissolved parliament and called for an early election to try to contain the rebellion. 

The outcome of this decision is yet to be seen, but we are very disappointed in the part "Viktor" played. Rest assured that other agents are working behind the scenes to try to stabilize the situation in the best way possible. We're nothing if not dedicated to handling emergencies with elegance and grace.

The Financial Situation

Over the last few weeks we have received a great deal of criticism from the press and from disgruntled bloggers about our alleged responsibility for and response to the current financial crisis. In this post I hope to set the record straight.

There have been allegations that we, the GNU Public Dictatorship, have been interfering with the markets and trying to destabilize them in order to cause chaos that would allow us to further increase our own wealth and influence. This is patently false. We, the Board of Dictators, understand that the love of money is the root of all evil, and that we do not need to be wealthy to wield our influence, so long as the people support us. We would never interfere in the markets to make ourselves rich at your expense.

It is true that we used our influence to put Freddie and Fannie over the edge and to get the government to take them over, but that was in your best interests as it allows for more centralization of economic oversight. Now that the US government ostensibly controls them (everyone knows that we really pull the strings) they can be managed with more oversight and we can use them to help stabilize the economy.

It is also true that we helped push Lehman Brothers over the edge, but the purpose there was twofold: (1) to let a bank fail so that the government would believe the urgency of financial reform, and (2) to expose the extravagance of the golden parachutes and other compensation paid to executives of failing financial institutions.

As for our response to the crisis, we are doing everything we can to reform the financial markets so that all of you, our citizens, can enjoy the benefits of a healthy economy. We have not been hiding behind our logo contest. In fact, we suspended our logo contest for an entire weekend to get our agenda back on track after Congress so ably derailed it. Did our detractors suspend their business for so much as an hour? We don't think so (at least we never saw any evidence of it).

As for the solution that got pushed through Congress, we know it isn't a perfect one, but it is a step in the right direction. If you read the fine print in the very long act (which I'm not sure any of our congressmen actually did) you would see that the real purpose of this bill is to prepare the way for the GNU Public Dictatorship to step in and fix the economy. Unfortunately the country is currently run in such a way that it is hard for a single Board of Dictators to fix the economy, but this bill added enough provisions for us to begin our work nonetheless.

So, in short, we did not cause the financial crisis, and are doing everything possible to use it to our advantage and yours. We would never destabilize the world's markets for personal gain, and we always have you in mind. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not generous to our citizens!

Maksim Svayak

As promised earlier, a biographical sketch of the winner of our logo contest, Maksim Svayak.

Maksim was born in 1966 in Kursk, in what was at the time the USSR. His father was a mechanic and often worked with the Soviet army in repairing tanks and other equipment. His mother was the granddaughter of the famous Belgian artist James Ensor, and, although she had never pursued an career in art she instructed her seven children in the principles of aesthetics. Maksim is the oldest of seven children, three of whom died before reaching adulthood. Maksim's father, who had always wanted him to follow in the family tradition of being a mechanic, died when Maksim was 14 leaving Maksim to provide for the family. Maksim tried at first to be a mechanic for the army, but he was not so skillful as his father was, and quickly became frustrated. His frustration led him to occasionally express himself through unique logos on the Soviet tanks, but he was always careful to paint over them before returning the tanks to the army. His break came when a Soviet commander came early for his tank and found a very dramatic logo. Maksim apologized profusely and tried to proceed to paint over the logo, but the commander refused to let him. Within a few weeks he was transferred to the local propaganda office. He worked there for a few months before transferring to the Minsk office. He spent a total of eleven years creating art for the Soviet regime.

In 1991, Belarus declared independence from the Soviet Union, and Maksim, at the age of 25, found himself without work. At this time he turned to store windows and whatever work he could get. He met his lovely wife Natalya while painting her father's bakery window. He courted her for 3 years, and finally proposed to her when he felt he was back on his feet.

Since 1994 he has operated a small mechanic/corporate art shop out of his garage. He is known as the "painting mechanic," and has been honored several times by the local government for his contributions to mechanics and painting. He and his wife now live fashionably in Minsk with their three children, Alexandr, Nikolai, and Olga. He has been a proud supporter of the GNU Public Dictatorship since he first heard of it in 1998, and was thrilled when we informed him that he was now the official propaganda artist for the Board of Dictators. He will receive his free mug and a lifetime pass to the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, Texas in the next couple of days.

We ask all of our loyal supporters to join with us in honoring and thanking an honorable world citizen, Maksim Svayak.

We got him!

It is with great pleasure that I announce to you all that we have captured the Brad Guy's No. 3 man! He was apprehended yesterday in connection with the infection of Juliana's family last week, but upon examination of his personal effects we soon found him to be deeply involved in the Company. What's more, he had some documents on him that, assuming they are authentic, give us insight into the inner workings of the Company. We have reproduced the org chart he had (and apparently used to train new recruits on the organization of the company) below:



The perpetrator had three full sets of IDs on him, but we believe his real name to be Jefferson Owen. Unfortunately, the documents he had all use code names and will not immediately help us to find anyone that he reported to, but there were some hints on how to contact the higher-ups. We'll have our team of forensic experts examining the documents and we'll keep you all posted on our progress.

As this is a huge blow to the Company we expect hostilities to increase as they try to compensate for this loss. We beg of you all to be more cautious than ever and to talk with your children again about the dangers of brads. All of us here at the People's GNU Dictatorship are nothing if not concerned for the welfare of your children!

Once-in-a-lifetime, or, once a year

This is it, folks. Your yearly opportunity to make a real difference in the lives of your fellow citizens. Your one shot at an everlasting spot in the history books. In other words, it's time for our annual Board Review. 

For the previous 11 years, the people* have voted overwhelmingly in favor of keeping our current humble servants, Juliana, Tim and Craig, as the sole members of the Board of Dictators. Each year we have asked for applications of those interested in helping us shoulder the burdens of world domination. This year is no different! We will be opening up the application period shortly so check back here for more information. We'll have the official Application Forms and details of how to submit the necessary blood work, hair samples and elementary school transcripts.

You can submit your forms through the end of this month and we'll have our annual "election" in conjunction with the U.S. election in November. We hardly need to guess which will garner more fame and attention in the long term.

* "The People" being defined as "the people of the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators and legal assignees, representatives and other interested parties as set forth by the board."

For the people

A big thanks to all those who submitted logo designs to help us create the new look and feel for the GNU Public Dictatorship. To show that we are nothing if not generous, there will be free coffee mugs with the new logo for each person who submitted an entry! If that isn't enough, we're throwing in free tickets to our new theme park for each of you lucky winners as well.

Remember, here at the GNU Public Dictatorship, we are here to serve you, the little people.

It's Official!

The debate lasted long into the night, but by 2 am a clear winner finally emerged. Congratulations to Maksim Svayak of Minsk, Belarus, for his winning entry! Watch for a biographical sketch of Maksim in the coming days!

The State of the Logo Contest

For those who fear we will not announce the winner of the logo contest today we can unequivocally say that we will do everything humanly (and dictatorially) possible to meet our deadline. We have narrowed the field down to the last three finalists and are currently engaged in heated debates about the aesthetics, the message, the layout, and the mass media appeal of the finalists. For those who have been following the debates or who are simply interested in being among the first to see the new logo, we do have a few studio tickets left. The debate will not be televised as, for some reason, most TV stations have chosen to carry the Vice-Presidential Debate, but if you contact us soon you might still get to be in the studio audience for tonight's debate!

Still Under Attack

The Brad Guys have mercilessly persisted in their efforts to derail our quest for peaceful world domination. Not only have they doubled their "good will" propagandizing at my son's elementary school, but he has actually come home with brads in his school work. You can understand what a chilling moment that was for me.

On top of that, just when we thought our health crisis was over at home, they have redoubled their efforts. We think this is the work of some co-conspirators that we had unfortunately not apprehended before. The health crisis is worsening, but fear not! Our efforts to be a beacon of leadership and altruism will not cease, whatever the sacrifices and whatever the risks. 

We only regret that we cannot yet reveal the lucky winner of our logo contest. Be assured that we will work doubly hard in the future to satisfy your logo requirements. We're nothing if not attentive to your aesthetic needs.

There are other aspiring world leaders out there...

We know we're the best option for ruling the world, but you don't have to take our word for it. In this post we have attempted to gather some of the other aspiring world leaders so that you can make an informed decision:

• Dell "Superdell" Schanze. Currently he is running for Governor of the State of Utah, but we're sure that he'll have higher aspirations once he achieves that goal.
• Vladimir Putin of Russia.
  
• Gene Ray. He knows we are all educated stupid and will help us become enlightened. The time cube will solve all of our problems.
  
• Gurbanguly Berdimuhammedow, former Head Dentist of Turkmenistan.
• Patrick Anderson (Lord AGNUcius). He knows how to cure brain bacteria and will help fix the economy in a very innovative way.
• The Parowan Prophet. He will help us be ready for WWIII.
• George W. Bush of the United States.
• Kim Jong-il of North Korean fame.
• Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.
  
• Raul Castro of Cuba.

After perusing this list I'm sure you'll all agree that we are a much more attractive option than some of these other aspirants. Here at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not reasonable!