Le restaurant public GNU!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited to announce the latest in a long string of innovations you can't get anywhere else: Le restaurant public GNU!  It has taken most of our effort over the last month to make this a reality, but we have a new location in Las Vegas, Nevada, USA where we have finally realized the dream we have been pursuing.  Like most fancy restaurants, le restaurant public GNU (Le RPG) has a French name.  Studies have shown that French names increase diners' enjoyment of the cuisine in 94.21% of cases studied, which is why we chose it.  Some have pointed out (as if we didn't see it ourselves) that Le RPG sounds a lot like a rocket-propelled grenade or a role-playing game, neither of which will generally be permitted at Le RPG, although for certain events both may be allowed under controlled circumstances.  Anyway, Le RPG is a new experiment in open-source cuisine and has been praised by such cooking game shows as Iron Chef and Master Chef among others for its innovative approach to food.  Rather than being tied down by a single entity with power ("The Chef") Le RPG will empower each patron to contribute to the success or failure of each dish.  Patrons will be asked to create dishes for their neighbors, allowing for much greater creativity than would otherwise be possible.  There will be a small number of editors at Le RPG that will have the power to veto recipes, but they will not exercise their authority except in cases of potentially dangerous dishes (those involving poison or allergens).  On opening night some of our patrons found the following stand-out dishes not available elsewhere:

• Sushiburgers - While a quick search will show that other restaurants have sushi burgers, they weren't quite what our diners experienced this day.  The brilliance of taking an ethnic cuisine with a variety of subtle tastes and textures and reducing it to a pickle and ketchup-covered pile of raw fish on a sesame seed bun has to be experienced to be believed!
• Salad Soup - Frustrated with the choice between soup and salad, some of our patrons invented salad soup.  Who wouldn't like boiled lettuce salad with a touch of ranch and soggy croutons?
• Soup Salad - One of the efficiencies of the open-source food system is rapid innovation.  In this case, diners who didn't love Salad Soup invented Soup Salad, which, as the name suggests is based on lettuce and spinach covered in a creamy cauliflower soupy material.  Delicious.

These three were simply the standout dishes of the night, so we look forward to many more innovative and delicious dishes!

Elections

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to serving you, our world citizens, which is why we have "elections" every couple of years to choose potential new members of the Board of Dictators.  While there has been a very low historical rate of acceptance (one new board member ever) there has been a great deal of dialogue about the significant issues facing us, and that, we believe, is the primary benefit from elections.

Unfortunately, in most democratic societies, including the United States of America, which is, technically, not a democracy as business is conducted on behalf of citizens by representatives they choose, but for the purposes of this argument the label will suffice, elections have degenerated into the basest form of competition, where name recognition and slogans trump substance and where money plays all too great a role.  At the GPD we would like you to know that we would never put up with such foolish nonsense, and were our "elections" to tend that way we would curtail them immediately, while at the same time we do believe that the "voice of the people" is generally correct.  The problem we encounter is that the "voice of the people" is impossible to assess analytically to any degree of certainty, as people's opinions are too easily swayed by factors as trivial as that they didn't have a full breakfast.  What's more, there are mathematical proofs that no group decision method can be guaranteed to always be "fair," where fair is defined as taking into account everyone's preferences and creating an group decision that is true as much as possible to all members in the group.  To illustrate this, we must simply create three fictitious voters and three candidates for some office.  Let's call the voters Vlad, Victor, and Vera, and the candidates Camille, Catherine, and Christopher.  Let us say that Vlad prefers Camille over Catherine, Catherine over Christopher.  Let us say that Victor prefers Catherine over Christopher, but Christopher over Camille, and that Vera prefers Christopher over Camille and Camille over Catherine.  If we treat each voter as equivalent and combine their preferences (assuming they are of equal strength) then we end up with a cyclical preference graph, where Camille is preferred to Catherine who is preferred to Christopher, who is preferred to Camille, clearly illustrating the difficulty of combining even the preferences of three voters.

At the GPD we are nothing if not innovative, which is why we do all of our real work in Board Meetings.  The three of us discuss the issues, and more often than not a decision becomes apparent immediately.  In some circumstances we disagree, and then we keep discussing it until it becomes apparent which option is the best for society.  You might question how this works, but it is quite simple: members of the Board of Dictators are willing to increase or decrease the strength of their own preferences relative to those of other Board members, allowing an optimal decision to be reached.  Because we solve the problem of preference combination, we are able to provably make socially optimal choices without encountering a contradiction.

A Harrowing Experience

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased that the US Federal Government shutdown is over for now, and we would like to thank all of our operatives for their tireless work to manipulate the outcome.  Unfortunately, while the government was shut down there was a worrisome increase in the sales of hand-held hole punches and brads, and we have seen a number of events that used to be hole-punch-free suddenly embrace the dangerous office products as if they were harmless.

I recently attended a fundraiser carnival at a local school, and while most of the tickets were marked using markers or other innocuous methods, at least seven of the ticket-takers were wielding hand-held punches, indiscriminately exposing young children to them and sending an implicit message that "my school accepts hole punches as harmless."  While we have had much success in convincing many that their ways are in error, there is a dangerous viral trend at the moment to consider hole punches "so much less evil" than other things that they are all but ignored by local regulatory bodies.  Rest assured that our operatives are working long and hard to reverse this trend, but we would ask all of you to lend your support to the cause so that we can keep our children from being deceived by these dastardly purveyors of evil!

Shutdown

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about the recent US Federal Government shutdown and the impending default on government payments, which is why we have been focusing heavily on influencing events over the last two weeks.  Some of our supporters have accused us of shutting ourselves down and ignoring world events, but nothing could be further from the truth.  While we have been quiet, we have not been inactive.  Our reach is increasing, and we are using it to try to make the most of the US Federal Government shutdown, turning it to our advantage and hopefully using it to crush our adversaries and regain once and for all the upper hand!  Oh, and we're also trying to get things back to normal as quickly as possible so our supporters who happen to be federal employees or dependent on federal employees for their livelihood won't have to suffer.  In the meantime, feel free to drop by your local GPD office to get a shutdown survival kit!

Here's to hoping this one is it...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about the dissemination of peace in all of its forms, including the reconciliation of two new-world plants that have long been at odds with each other.  While there have been other attempts to resolve the conflict in the past, we believe that the TomTato may be the solution we have been waiting for all these years.  In addition to resolving (at least in part) much of the conflict between these two valuable plants this advance could have extraordinary impacts on ordinary citizens who are now empowered to grow tomatoes and potatoes with much less garden space.  We commend those involved with creating the TomTato and hope that it, or perhaps its cousin "Potato Tom" in New Zealand might finally be the one we've been waiting for.

How not to smuggle drugs

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the elimination of crime in all of its insidious forms, even at the cost of occasionally rewriting the pertinent laws as necessary.  We are also very opposed to "stupid" crime, which is why we occasionally give some pointers here in this forum on how not to be a criminal.  Our lawyers stopped bothering us about this topic quite some time ago when we made it clear that their usefulness to the New Future was dependent on their cooperation, so we don't expect to be tied up in legal issues.

Anyway, today's topic was inspired by this incident, where a Canadian national was caught by Colombian officials with drugs in a fake pregnant belly.  The fundamental error she made was that she did not commit fully to her disguise.  When asked about her due date, instead of having a date in mind and acting polite she acted irritated with the question.  This flaw led to the discovery of her endeavor as it planted suspicion in the minds of the officials questioning her.

Our advice:  if you are going to commit a crime using a fake identity or costume, be sure to plan ahead.  Have answers ready for questions you may receive, and act confident that you are doing nothing wrong.

Our better advice: don't smuggle drugs.  It's too risky.

A Waiting Game

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to doing what's right for you, which is why we hate to be not doing as much as we would like to at the moment.  Due to some threats from the New Company we have had to redirect some of our resources to watching them and preventing them from distributing brads to unsuspecting school children or using chemical weapons or other heinous acts that they have declared their intention to perform.  Unfortunately, this has kept our churro research center drastically understaffed, and we may not have a New and Improved Churro for quite some time.  "Edgar" has quite a lead in the churro space, and we were hoping to cut that down without infringing on his patent, but now we may just have to license his churro technology and hope for the best.  Anyway, here's to hoping that the New Company will do something stupid and call attention to themselves so we can use our resources more how we want to!

Do it well

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not believers in the old adage that if you are going to do something you should do it well, which is why we are sometimes disappointed by the apparently halfhearted attempts by the China Internet Information Centre to pass off visual effects created for Battlestar Galactica as plans for a new aircraft carrier.  We would like to point out that had we been trying to pass off the spaceship as something else we would have picked something more similar to it in shape and color, as even a cursory examination of the posted picture shows that it has no flat surfaces on which other aircraft could be easily landed.  What, you may ask would we pass it off as?  Now that you know it isn't what we are about to say it is you might think it wouldn't have worked, but we think "mobile landmine" would have been a better choice.

The Original Chemical Weapon

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to the use of chemical weapons, which is why it saddens us that so many people and animals in Syria have been recently targeted using nerve agents.  We would like to condemn the individual or individuals responsible for this unconscionable act, and we are vowing that if we ever get the chance we will make him or her or them rue the choice.  Having said that, however, the focus on the recent chemical weapon attack in Syria is drawing a lot of attention.  While it is a heinous act, we think world citizens should be less inclined to follow the crowd to the crisis of the hour and more inclined to worry about the persistent threats we face.  Our supporters know that the apparently-innocuous brad is a tool of evil, and that it is often used to deliver dangerous drugs (also known as chemicals) to unwitting children.  It is in its symbolism it is offensive and degrading, and its sales support pernicious and vindictive individuals in their quest to destroy society as we know it and to prevent us from reaching the New Future.  Some individuals who do not support the GPD also recognize the evil that brads represent, including the group we sometimes refer to as the Allies.  They have occasionally joined us to thwart the dastardly plans the New Company has devised, and we are grateful for their help.  Even so, however, recent surveys suggest that nearly half of the world's population (not counting single-celled organisms) believes that brads do not pose a threat to them or to their children.  Another 15% seem to have no opinion on the matter.  It is incumbent upon us as supporters of the GPD and the New Future to spread the word about brads so that we can eradicate them forever and spare our children the monstrosities that we have had to endure.  Don't let the fact that the recent Syrian chemical attack is so high-profile discourage you from fighting against the original chemical weapon: the brad!

Another victory

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to overcoming our enemies, which is why we were very pleased to note that Consumer Reports finally studied our government against other forms of government.  They gave us five stars in each of efficiency, checks and balances, resistance to special interests, requirements of citizens, and potential for good.  No other form of government was so highly rated, and our ratings in these areas exceed "Constitutional Monarchy," "Parliamentary," and "Democracy" combined.  We received four or four and a half stars in all other rated categories including propaganda and law enforcement.  While we know that Consumer Reports isn't choosing our next form of government, we find it comforting that they recognize our greatness!

Peace and Prosperity

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to Peace and Prosperity and the New Future, which is why we have worked so hard over the last several years to disrupt the status quo.  Some of our supporters have begun suggesting that we should not have let Syria get out of hand, and that letting the first democratically-elected president of Egypt be ousted in a coup might have been letting things go too far, but we would like to point out that the status quo has neither Peace nor Prosperity, and that disruptive change is necessary to transform the world.  Our supporters should start complaining once we are done with our plans if we still have neither of them, but for now, we ask our supporters and others to be patient and let the Peace and Prosperity come.

"Privacy"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with the well-being of all world citizens, which is why we strive so much against the evils found in the world.  We exert a lot of effort trying to crush organized evil in the form of Brad Guys or the New Company, but even if we were to completely vanquish organized evil we would still have to be vigilant as dispersed evil can be just as damaging as organized evil.

You may ask what this "dispersed evil" is, and we would be quick to answer that it is the small things world citizens do daily that do not contribute to a healthy and happy society founded on the principles of equality and love for each other and a hatred of brads and other evil office products.  In order to combat this diffuse threat, the GPD has recently increased its surveillance program, which has drawn criticism from human rights* advocates and from people who like to dabble in dispersed evil.  Those who submitted form 532ERTU012-K have been spared some of the more embarrassing surveillance, but those who didn't keep complaining that we are watching them write memos, scrapbook, and mail letters, and that we are not giving them the privacy they deserve.

The GPD values privacy, but as an open government, we understand and accept that privacy in the New Future is nearly impossible.  In order to guarantee that brads and evil office products are banished forever and that society is optimally organized we need to give up our privacy.  We're not suggesting that world citizens will never have a moment alone, just that they should not expect to be alone in any situation.  If we let people scrapbook on their own, how can we be sure that brads aren't being utilized?  If we don't check up on people's correspondence, how can we be sure that only approved industrial hole punches are being used and that people aren't starting to use hand-held hole punches?  It should be clear to anyone who loves the New Future that we cannot get there without sacrificing our privacy.  At the GPD, however, we know that some of our supporters (primarily humans) would not like to be under surveillance while they are bathing or performing bodily functions, which is why we allowed them to request an exception using the form mentioned above.  With minimal security and inspections you will be granted complete solitude inside the approved facility to do what you need to do.  Due to the unusually high number of complaints from those who haven't yet submitted the form, we are granting them a second chance.  Please submit the form by Friday to your local GPD county office.

*The GPD is amused by the phrase "human rights" as it is by its very nature discriminating against non-human citizens of the world and belittles their rights and needs

Help Needed for our Bat Supporters

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not reticent to go door-to-door asking for help, which is why we have held off so long in the request we are about to make.  A significant number of our supporters in recent years have been developing White Nose Syndrome (WNS) and most of them have been dying because we don't have enough information about WNS or how to treat or prevent it.  The reason we have decided to ask for your help individually is that WNS is making its way West across North America, and more and more of our bat supporters are falling victim to its symptoms.  What we are asking for is support from you, our Responsible World Citizens, in the following ways:

• Moral: We are asking each of you to reach out to your bat friends and have a talk with them about WNS.  Let them know that, although they may develop WNS, they will always be your friend and that you won't abandon them just because they are sick.
• Scientific: We are hoping that many experts in fungal diseases in flying mammals will step forward and volunteer at least a portion of their time to the cause.  Your friends' lives may hang in the balance.
• Financial: While bats need very little in the way of finances, many people who deal with bats require access to money in order to protect the bats from WNS and other threats.

Please contact your local GPD county offices at your convenience to volunteer your time.  And remember, our surveillance is extending every day, so even if we wouldn't have known yesterday that you didn't volunteer your time, we may know today!  It is in your best interest to volunteer before we find out you didn't.

Progress

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to constant progress.  While we know that sometimes we may not progress as quickly as we would like to progress, we are always progressing.  The last few months have been slow if you use some of the more traditional measures of progress, such as measuring operations/day or new supporters/hour, but they have been tremendously productive.  We have spent a great deal of time restructuring the Board of Dictators and its surrounding institutions to make it more efficient and more able to quickly respond to threats from the New Company and other individuals bent on destruction and mayhem.  As a result, there has been less mayhem and fewer incidents, and as a result, fewer operations have been necessary.  Unfortunately, we have seen an increase in activity at the New Company in recent days, so we suspect we may have to play a more prominent role in your lives.  Just let us know when you will be showering or otherwise indisposed using form 532ERTU012-K so that we don't barge in on you unannounced.  Remember that this form should be submitted in triplicate no later than tomorrow evening in your local county GPD offices.  Don't procrastinate, and don't say we didn't warn you!

Hiatus: a FAQ

Many of our supporters have been writing in religiously to tell us that we aren't posting anything, and warning us that our former editor may still be controlling this forum, and we have been so busy as of late that we haven't taken the time to assure them that Gertrude is still imprisoned in the GNU Public Dungeons, and that, while she does have access to power tools as we are making her construct improvements to her own cell, she does not have internet-capable devices and cannot possibly be controlling this forum.  What's more, we have been involved in creating the GNU Public Gardens surrounding the GPD headquarters, and between that, the improvements to the GNU Public Dungeons, and several summer activities that inevitably take up the time you plan for other things we have been so swamped that we haven't seen fit to post here.  Regardless of the reasons, there is one more salient fact to note: with the Parent Corporation being nearly inert the New Company is our only organized foe, and they have been busy rewiring their phone and data systems for the past month and have not done anything of note.  For the curious, a frequently asked questions is printed below, with the answers being given first, in Jeopardy style.

A.  A break or gap, as in the writing on this forum.
Q.  What is a hiatus?

A.  The GNU Public Gardens and improvements to the GNU Public Dungeons.
Q.  What has been consuming the bulk of the GPD's time?

A.  A large lawn surrounded by planter beds for exotic plants and animals.
Q.  What are the GNU Public Gardens?

A.  Visits to the GNU Public Theme Park and local water parks
Q.  What are some of the other activities taking up the GPD's time?

A.  Because we felt like it
Q.  Why is this FAQ in Jeopardy format?

If you came up with the correct questions please fill out form UIE-9E772Q and submit it to your local GPD County office for compensation.

Safety

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to ensuring your safety, which is why we are endorsing software that will, when you are visiting our GPD County Offices, inform you that actions you are about to take would be considered betraying us and not let you do it without an override password.  Our goal is to eliminate accidental treason on our premises.  It should be at least as effective as this gem, which prevents you from using a specific brand of 3D printer to accidentally print a firearm.  We think that protecting people from accidental mistakes will be an effective way to prevent people with intent to harm us from being able to do so from within the confines of our offices, and thus enhance safety, as long as people use our offices to commit treason, which sounds entirely reasonable.

The Revenge of our New (Former) Editor

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not embarrassed at the course of events over the last couple of weeks.  Many of you have been wondering why we haven't posted since we revealed that we had let our former editor go as she had been trying to prevent us from posting anything to this forum.  Unfortunately, since we imprisoned Gertrude in the GNU Public Dungeons we have been unable to return to this forum to post anything.  Gertrude, as she was being interviewed before her imprisonment, must have sensed that we were on to her and planted in this forum a time-release malware that would steal all of our posts and send them instead to search engines.  We discovered her sedition a few days later, but it has taken us until now to clean up the mess.  Gertrude was, apparently, a much more formidable enemy than we gave her credit for.  To make matters worse, we found out that somehow she was able to put Greta in her prison cell, leaving us looking a bit foolish for having hired her, let her ruin our blog for a while, and then not even been able to capture her properly.  Greta has been released into house arrest, just to make sure there's nothing funny going on.

The bottom line, however, is that at the GPD we still believe nothing if not that we should help those in need of help, but we have learned an important lesson about checking out our employees more thoroughly.  You would have thought that the policies we put in place after the Quisling incident would have been sufficient, but evil seems to find a way.  We'll be reviewing our policies, but initial reports suggest that it was the fact that we didn't know that Gertrude or Greta existed prior to our run-in with them that allowed her to game our system.

Our new (former) editor

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not generous, which is why when we met an out-of-work editor early last week we decided to help.  She told us her name was Greta Jenkins, and that she had been an editor for an underground magazine called Subterranean for most of the last two decades, and since at the GNU Public Dictatorship we do not believe that people should receive assistance without donating their time and talents to the betterment of society, we promptly created the position of head editor for this forum.  All of the pieces we submitted to her were held in review until right before we wanted to publish them and then returned with comments like the following:

• Too much passive voice, make it sound more exciting!
• You use too many words the average world citizen may not understand, please simplify your vocabulary
• You ramble a lot, and never really get to the point.  Please be more concise

While anyone who works in the editing industry knows that these are valid concerns, we became suspicious when we resubmitted our work and didn't see it published the next day.  We asked Greta about it, and she immediately handed us back our new versions with more annotations like the following:

• This passage is too exciting, please make it more passive
• You are reusing the same words too often, please use some synonyms
• You are too concise here.  If you were to ramble a little, you would keep the readers' interest longer

Any astute reader will immediately recognize what was going on: Greta was an agent of the New Company sent to infiltrate us and keep us from spreading our message of freedom, equality, and independence from addiction to brads and other evil office products.  After we dug into her cover story a little more we realized why we hadn't caught her before.  Greta Jenkins had been an editor for Subterranean, but this was not Greta Jenkins.  It was her long-lost twin Gertrude Jenkins, who was kidnapped at the age of seven and apparently raised by the Brad Guys.  We spent the next week or so feeding her misinformation which she dutifully passed on to the New Company and then, when we called her in to talk to her and she thought she was going to be promoted we fired her and sent her to live in the GNU Public Dungeons for a while.

We are sorry that we haven't been posting a lot lately, but we are pleased to tell you that Gertrude gave us a lot of insight into the Brad Guys and the New Company.  This insight could be key to defeating our enemies once and for all!

Restructuring

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to ushering in the New Future, whatever the financial consequences, which is why we continue to do what we do even when it is not popular or when it becomes extremely difficult.  This, incidentally, is one of the reasons we will triumph in the end.  Most entities have a series of short-term goals that often eclipse the long-term goals and cause them to participate in less-than-optimal behavior just to secure short-term support.  At the GPD, our secure appointments for life and our open approach mean that we are not affected by short-term fluctuations and you can be sure that we are always working toward our end goals.

Most of the corporate world, however, is more affected by investor confidence than by actual results, which is why we often see restructuring, downsizing, refocusing, and the like, often at the expense of the people and other world citizens that provide the labor base.

So, you may ask, why would be talking about this right now?  The answer is simple.  The New Company is again "restructuring" and refocusing, taking the energy that was until recently dedicated to stealing "Edgar's" patented churro recipe and to hole punches and moving them to their original cash cow: the brad.

According to internal memos we have acquired the hole punch market is saturated.  Those who have hole punches don't need to replace them as they last too long, and the number of new households requiring hole punches is so low that the profit margin is not enough to sustain their manufacturing and "marketing" efforts.  The result, they claim, is that they will let the non-evil office products manufacturers supply the world's hole punches and they will focus on their core competency: the brad.  We aren't sure whether this is an entirely financial decision, or whether it may be a fundamentalist movement within the New Company, but the effect is clear: the New Company is cleansing itself and focusing its substantial resources on making all citizens of the world dependent on brads and party to the oppression they symbolize.

Not fair

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not reticent to participate in politics, and we do so only when we have to in order to accomplish our grand designs.  At the same time, however, we do know our way around politics, and we know enough to know that claiming divine endorsement for your candidacy is simply not fair.

Perhaps the time WAS then...

Recently we reported about the New Company's cryptic memo "the time is now."  At the time we mentioned that we would share more details about the operation when it was appropriate, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased that it is now appropriate to share some of those details.  As near as we can tell from our intelligence, this is how it went down.

Several months ago when "Edgar" flirted with the idea of joining the Board of Dictators, the New Company became fearful and decided, as companies tend to do, to attack his source of income.  "Edgar" and his patented churros are legendary at most reputable churro locations around the world, and while there are still a few black market churro stands in most major cities we have been working hard to eliminate them and have made a fair amount of progress.  The New Company's plan was to increase the number of black market churro stands while simultaneously degrading the quality of the aforementioned stands, which would cause us to expend resources trying to prop up our uneasy relationship with "Edgar."  This much of their plan worked, as we did increase our operatives' churro duty.  Unfortunately for them, however, this increased churro duty did not affect our ability to carry out our other operations.  The New Company had grossly overestimated their churro-making capacity, which made it easy for us to crush their dummy churro franchises easily.

When this phase of the plan was in full swing, the fateful memo ("The time is now") was issued.  You who are reading this post already know of our cautious response.  The next day they made their move, but our operatives (and "Edgar's") were ready for them.  "Natasha" herself was involved in the operation that successfully defended the patented recipe, and we saw the New Company's operatives retreat in disgrace much more quickly than we had hoped.

At the time (and when we posted our previous response) we thought that this was what the memo meant, but new information has come to light suggesting that the New Company is more devious than we had thought.  Instead of merely attacking "Edgar" and his revenue stream, they were using this memo to also cleanse their own operatives.  It is now apparent that the New Company downsized by about 36.332%, and our initial investigations into who was "let go" suggest that it was the least loyal to their cause.  If the rumors are true, there may be more "restructuring" ahead, we'll keep an eye on the situation.

Oh, and before you start asking whether this will increase unemployment numbers around the world, rest assured that "let go" is quite a euphemism and that those workers whose relationship with the New Company was terminated won't be re-entering the workforce or collecting unemployment.  Perhaps the time was, in fact, then.

The time is now

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not valiantly fighting against evil, which is why we have been apprehensively watching developments since the New Company went silent with their cryptic message "the time is now."  It now appears that our fears were overblown.  The "time" that was "now" was the time for the New Company to steal the patented churro recipe that our reluctant ally "Edgar" has been using to finance his operation, and the New Company was unable to acquire the recipe.  We would like to thank our vigilant operatives for helping to thwart their operation, and we would like to congratulate "Edgar" on the strength of his defenses.  We'll share more details about this operation as we feel appropriate, but you can rest assured that the time was not now!

Reconciliation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not magnanimous, which is why when our former operative "Natasha" returned the dry-erase markers she had taken when she defected to join her beau in opposing us we decided to downgrade her status from "most likely evil" to "not completely trustworthy."  This reconciliation with "Natasha" is an important step in focusing our efforts where they belong rather than keeping track of "Edgar" and "Natasha."  While we know that "Natasha" is still a member of a group that is not completely aligned with our interests, we also know that we have a lot in common with her husband "Edgar" and his movement.  We won't be merging with "Edgar" and his "Rule by Edgar" movement, but we will be able to fight to crush the remaining embers of the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  Unfortunately their zeal does not extend as much to the New Company and its threats, but we'll take support when we can get it.

On another note, there is still no word from the New Company or its operatives, and we are beginning to be very worried about their next move.  Please let your local GPD office know of anything suspicious or any information you might have been able to gather about the New Company's evil schemes.

Interesting developments

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not surprised that the New Company has not yet come forward to take responsibility for the many tragedies of late.  We suspect that they were probably involved in the bombing at the Boston Marathon (although the FBI has refused to release whether or not brads were used in the bomb), the fertilizer plant explosion in West, Texas, and in the earthquake in Iran near the Pakistani border, among other things.  What surprised us more, however, was that they haven't been heard from at all since a cryptic communication released two weeks ago stated simply that "the time is now."  Rumors are flying around that they have disbanded, but we suspect that they have not.  Others speculated that they have been stepping up their war against humanity and all that is decent, but our operatives haven't even been able to find most their operatives for the last week or so, and those that we can find seem to be doing nothing much.  We are asking our supporters to keep their eyes and ears open, although closing your ears would be quite a chore, and to tell us about anything they observe regarding the New Company or its operatives.

On a separate note, "Edgar" and his wife "Natasha" have been making overtures to us implying that they would like to reconcile and work together, citing a change of heart and a drop in churro sales.  We have always been clear that we will accept them if they are sincere, and we are working to verify their sincerity as we speak.  "Natasha" did, for instance, give us 34 boxes of dry erase markers...

Fairness

At the GNU Public Dictatorship, we are nothing if not fair, which is why we also try to promote fairness in other organizations.  After months of negotiations we are finally ready to announce that our deal with Samoa Air is finalized.  Now those who occupy more space in an airplane and cause it to use more fuel in taking them to their chosen destination will finally pay their fair share.

Some might argue that this is unfair, but whether or not it is depends on your perspective.  From a societal perspective, this measure encourages those who are overweight to reduce their own weight, and to, in the meantime, refrain from flying.  Both measures are desirable and both will eventually make society better.  Some have argued that, since being overweight is sometimes a medical condition and not simply a behavioral aberration, this is unfairly discriminating against people who can't help it.  We believe that this logic is flawed, as people who are medically required to cart a bunch of extra equipment around with them in their checked luggage may be subjected to additional fees on most mainstream airlines today.  Either way, it is a step in the right direction, but what the GPD really wants is a charge based on intelligence, or at least some useful proxy for intelligence such as IQ.  While it wouldn't be perfect, it would discourage those with lower IQs from travelling by air, and would thus localize the undesirable lower-intelligence individuals into communities with no mobility and free the rest of us to do as we please.  It's a win-win situation, really!

Manatee Gray

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the well-being of everyone, which is why when Target recently made a "mistake" in labeling their plus-sized gray dress as "manatee gray" while their regular-sized gray dress was labeled "heather gray" we were deeply offended.  We have tried to contact Target with our concerns but have not met with anyone yet.  We find it incredibly insensitive that they would choose to label the dresses the way they did, and we think that they should apologize.  We have been able to quell the impending riots among our supporters, but not all manatees support us as of right now.  We hope enough of them do to keep this from getting out of control!

Recyclable Enforcement

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about innovation, especially when such innovation reduces costs and risks to human and other life by making the world a safer place to be.  One such recent innovation is the hiring of non-living cardboard cops who, unless it is raining, are at least as effective as "real" cops in similar situations.  Some may argue that it is unfair to the cardboard police officers to not pay them a wage comparable to human officers, but we would like to point out that the training required to be a cardboard cop falls short of the training required for human police, and so the pay disparity has a basis.  Some might argue that it is unfair to employ low-wage workers who steal livelihoods from ordinary cops, but we think that the Bangalore plan is not hurting existing police wages nearly as much as it is creating a safer world, which is why we are putting our full support behind cardboard enforcers in many settings around the world.

More bias

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not for equal rights, as long as equal responsibility is attached to it.  At times we get the idea that we need the rights but we refuse to take responsibility for our actions.  This trend worries us, not least because it is the very ploy our enemies use to try to get people to use dangerous office products.  For those who learn best by example, take the case of this unfortunate dog.  He was left by himself in a car but could not contain his excitement and started driving.  He wanted the right to drive, but when he struck a pedestrian he doesn't want to take responsibility, but instead wants to push that onto his owner who left him unattended in the car.

At the GPD we know that this is not how you want your society to work, and so we are launching an initiative to stem the tide of rights without responsibility.  If you believe you or your family or your neighbors are exercising rights but refusing to be responsible for the outcomes please let us know at your local GPD office so we can take corrective action!

GNU's not gnuu

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not not evil, which is why when we find that our name is associated with things with which we do not completely agree we react with swiftness.  Recently we found out that the Danish Language Council was corrupting our name to be the GNUU public dictatorship, which obviously violates the sanctity of our Board of Dictators good name.  We petitioned them to remove the word gnuu from their language and replace it with the more proper "gnu" (as is used in other Scandinavian countries) but we were told that they didn't want to conform.  We are disappointed with the lack of cooperation from the Danish Language Council, but we are pleased that they agreed to refer to us as the GNU Public Dictatorship (without the extra u!).

The dangerous triangle

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not interested in people's reactions, which is why you were under surveillance while reading the title of this post and this sentence.  Once you got to this sentence we turned off the surveillance as we were really only interested in what you thought about the title, and it was starting to get too expensive.  Those who read this post when it was first posted might have been under surveillance through the first paragraph, but this is no longer the case.

Anyway, the reasons we wanted to know your reactions was to find out how widespread fear of triangles is, and what people associate with triangles.  Many of you, especially those in the United Kingdom, were thinking about flapjacks, and how they are so dangerous when shaped like triangles that they are being banned at at least one school in Essex.  Flapjacks aren't being banned, mind you, but those shaped like triangles are strictly forbidden.  One hopes that they have also restricted access to knives and other implements that could aid students in reshaping their square or rectangular flapjacks into evil triangles, but we have not been able to contact the school for an answer just yet.

Many of the rest of you were wondering whether the dangerous triangle was isosceles or equilateral, or acute or obtuse, and whether the reason it was dangerous had anything to do with brads.  To be fair, brads do make extremely dangerous triangles, but we have not felt the need (yet) to ban triangles entirely.  Here's to hoping we don't have to!

Books for all species

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equality for all, which  is why we have been supporting projects such as this one, where books are being packaged in form factors that species other than humans and great apes can consume easily.  The book mentioned in the previous article, for example, would be perfect reading for a mouse or other small rodent, and would still be usable for most insect species.  At the GPD we applaud such innovation and hope that companies will continue to expand their products for other species, especially the great number of aquatic species that are currently unable to participate fully in academic pursuits!

A new leader

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased that the Catholic Church has been able to elect a new pope so quickly, and we would like to take a minute to talk about how we are similar in many respects to that venerated institution.

For one thing, we have an elect group that chooses our new leaders, and while the GPD has not as of yet had to deal with succession, we are well-structured and the process is well-known.  That is one of the many differences between ourselves and the Catholic Church--that we are led by a Board and not a single individual.  Unless everyone on the Board were to somehow simultaneously die or become incapacitated, there would be at least one member of the Board left to choose successors.  In that respect we are more like the Cardinals who elect the Pope than the Pope himself, but you can draw your own conclusions.

Confusing

Many of supporters have asked us to weigh in on the controversy surrounding the incident in which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, consoled the mother of the late Hugo Chavez (former President of Venezuela) by hugging her.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not respectful of others' religious beliefs, which is why we will refrain from taking sides in the issue.  If the (non-photoshopped) photo can be believed, it would appear that Mr. Ahmadinejad has, according to the strictest interpretations of his religion, had inappropriate contact with a female.  The GPD chooses not to choose sides on such issues as we are more focused on uniting humanity against the threats that are constantly on the verge of destroying us, and not on the interpretations of religious texts.  While we certainly respect the rights of those outraged by the incident to demand more of their leader, we also respect the rights of Mr. Ahmadinejad to act as he sees fit.  Our lawyers asked us to conclude this confusing post by making a confusing statement about separation of church and dictatorship, but we decided that it was confusing enough already, so we just decided to end it where it was.  Or, more literally, to tack on a rambling explanation of why we didn't add a tacked-on rambling explanation.  We hope that makes it a bit more clear!

Stolen!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not open, which is why it pains us when people take some of our technology or ideas and pretend that they were their ideas.  Case in point, this contraption, which allows rat brains to talk to each other.  Anyone can see that this is nothing more than a reapplication of the core technology we used to talk to Crktdwk the cuttlefish.  It wouldn't bother us so much if they had mentioned that it built on our seminal technology, but the fact that they didn't even mention our scientists at all.  But then again, our philosophy of being open means that we must give up our notion of ownership, meaning that we have quickly overcome our frustration and now mean to embrace the era where rats can communicate with each other via direct brain link over long distances.  Who can think of any one aspect of society that won't improve with this great advance, and to think that we were an (uncredited) part of it all!

Sequester

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not normally very hands-on, but due to some recent circumstances we will explain more fully later we have been trying an experiment lately where we have let things go without manipulating them for about two weeks.  Our conclusions from this experiment are quite interesting, but the executive summary (since executives don't seem to have the ability to focus on anything for very long) is that without us the world is moving ever closer to disaster.  You simply have to look at the US government and their embrace of "sequestration" which was previously panned to see that things are not better without us.  Add to that the election confusion in Italy, and the message is clear: You do not want to live without the GPD!

A clarification

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry that our post yesterday about gun control gave some people the wrong impression.  Some got the impression that the GPD will be a repressive and invasive government that will not allow the exercise of rights without supervision.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  The GPD could never put surveillance on every individual in society, and we wouldn't want to.  While we will make sure that those who are likely to abuse others' rights are tracked and kept from causing problems to society, if you have nothing to hide then you should have no contact with our operatives!

Rights and regulation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not practical, which is why when we see debates about rights and restrictions on those rights couched in terms of absolutes we become a bit disappointed.  While we know that most people who are not our supporters aren't so enlightened as we are, we still expected more from the general populace.  In order to aid those who are trying to explain to their non-supporter neighbors, we have decided to take some time to post in this forum about what it means to have rights and restrictions on those rights.

Fundamentally, the GNU Public Dictatorship believes that people have the right to do what they want to do, to acquire the things they want to acquire, and to associate with the people with whom they want to acquire.  When it comes down to particulars, however, the GPD has decided that certain behaviors, objects, and associations are detrimental to society in that one person's exercise of his or her "right" infringes upon others' exercise of their rights.  The field of artificial intelligence proposes to solve this dilemma by ranking individuals  and the "utility" of the exercise of their rights, and by restricting individuals' rights to choose when their choices would cause more harm to society than benefit.  The GPD, however, is not confident that we could create such a utility function, and instead has decided to follow a more traditional approach where certain behaviors are proscribed, not because they are detrimental to society, but because in most cases they probably are detrimental to society.  Unfortunately, this approach is rather imprecise and so a new and better approach is needed.  The recent debates about gun control provide a useful framework to discuss the merits of our new approach.

Some argue that guns are evil and should be entirely outlawed.  The US government is currently not at liberty to entertain this notion as they are tied to a bothersome "Constitution" with a "Bill of Rights."  The GPD doesn't have this restriction, but we aren't saying we would outlaw weapons, just that we don't have a reason we can't consider it.  Regardless of whether this position is tenable, however, the fact that the US cannot take this position renders it moot.

On the other end of the spectrum, some argue that arms should be distributed to all who want them without regulation or restriction, and that, on the balance, it would discourage crime and violence more than it would encourage it.  The problem with this argument is that not everyone chooses to exercise their right to have weapons, and that this more pacifist group would become easy targets for the extremists, who would clearly be happy to exercise their rights to kill people.  Even if there is a group of law-abiding and justice-minded individuals to deter such violence, local disputes would likely deteriorate into warfare before such individuals arrived to clean up the town.

The only tenable position, then, is to assume that some people will want to exercise their rights, and that others will not, and to simply ensure that it is not likely for those who want to exercise their rights for the wrong reasons (such as killing people) to be able to achieve their goal.  The trick is to keep people from exercising this right incorrectly.

Anyway, the GPD, as always, has a solution for this.  Any world citizen can own firearms, but if they are ever deemed to be dangerous, the firearms will be taken away.  Normal governments couldn't accomplish this effectively, but due to our high level of involvement in citizens' personal lives and our vast network of spies and other operatives, we believe we can proactively remove threats before they materialize.  Assuming, of course, that we get fully in power.  Here's hoping that it will happen soon!

Under Control Again

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about keeping an open an honest relationship with our supporters, which is why we were very disappointed that we had to suspend posts for a while to repair certain relationships that had been damaged in recent months.  As most of you are aware, our former enemy "Edgar" recently was trying to become a member of the Board of Dictators.  As far as we could tell, he was sincere in his efforts and he apparently really wanted to make the world a better place, even if better in his mind is a little different from our view of better.  He was still being considered (although he was consistently failing the obstacle course) when he withdrew his name for consideration last month.  In the ensuing days we made public our concerns that his wife, our former operative "Natasha," appeared to be framing him for horrible acts in order to poison him in our eyes.  We regret that our disclosure of this information appears to have been premature.  In reality, in a very convoluted plan, the New Company was framing "Natasha" for framing "Edgar" for committing atrocities.  Anyway, to make a convoluted explanation less complex, it seems that "Natasha" resented our accusations and that she and "Edgar" have not been getting along for some time.  While we still consider "Edgar" and "Natasha" our rivals, at the GNU Public Dictatorship it pains us to see anyone in pain, so we have taken some time to help "Edgar" and "Natasha" through some counseling and therapy to ensure that they will be okay.  For the duration of that therapy we had promised them not to post to this forum, but now that they are apparently okay, we can resume posting with our normal frequency.  We are sorry to see these latest developments, but we wish "Edgar" luck with his churros!

"Natasha"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not well-informed, which is why we have known for a long time that "Natasha" opposed her husband's plans to join the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators.  Recent information we have gathered, however, begins to shed some light on why she might not want him to be a member of the GPD.  We always figured that it had to do with a few bridges she burned on her way out as a GPD operative and we know she took some of the stationery and office supplies when she left.  We figured she was just trying to avoid an awkward situation where she had to explain to us where the 34 boxes of dry-erase markers are now, but as it turns out she had very little remorse about the office supply theft.  Recently intercepted communications between "Natasha" and her mother revealed that she believed the GPD would simply forgive the theft and brush it off as a business loss.  (Incidentally, she is only partially correct.  We have written it off as a business loss already, but if and when we resume relations with "Natasha" we do expect her to either replace the supplies or work off their value.  Alternatively she could choose to stay in the GNU Public Dungeons for an extended vacation.) Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter, "Natasha" is more concerned that "Edgar" is selling himself short and that instead of working for "The Man" (At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not surprised by being referred to as "The Man," but we suppose it was inevitable) he should strike out on his own and succeed or fail on his own merit.  She has apparently been attempting to poison "Edgar's" relationship with us through various nefarious means, and has apparently recently turned to framing "Edgar" for dastardly deeds he didn't commit.  We are still trying to determine how many of them she committed herself and how many she just took advantage of, but we are certain that, while she apparently wants to continue our crusade against evil office products, "Natasha" has declared herself an enemy of the GPD.  The Board of Dictators is therefore compelled to suspend her privileges of working with our operatives and we will be sending our collections agents to retrieve the purloined office supplies before the statute of limitations kicks in.

Our Condolences

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with the welfare of others, which is why we feel we need to extend our condolences to "Edgar" as the latest chapter in his bizarre saga begins to unfold.  We can't release many details yet (until our operatives have a chance to review all of our data) but it appears that he withdrew his name from consideration for membership in the Board of Dictators not because he does not want to be there, but because his wife (our former operative "Natasha") apparently asked him to.  We are working out the details, but initial reports that "Natasha" had been framing "Edgar" appear to be more than simple rumors.  We'll let you know more as the story unfolds.

A decision

Over the weekend our last remaining candidate for membership in the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators withdrew his name from consideration, making it clear that this year there will be no new additions to the Board.  We would like to note that while most of the candidates would have been easily appointed dictators of any single country, they were not quite prepared yet to rule the world along with us.  In fact, several of the candidates have already begun their own machinations to become lesser dictators in the hopes that with the New Future they can unite their strength with ours and be promoted for their good stewardship.  While we can't promise them any special treatment, we wish them well and hope they will apply next "election" cycle after honing their skills a bit more.

More Diplomacy

It seems that there is some trouble brewing on the west coast of the United States, so the Board of Dictators has asked me to take a first-hand look at the problems.  I hesitate to talk too much about it until I get a chance to examine the evidence, but early reports suggest that our friend "Edgar" may have been involved in another "incident" that will require some diplomatic intervention.  Either that, or he has been framed.  We'll keep you updated as much as possible.

Conspicuous consumption

It frustrates us that the owners of this gun worried so much about appearances that they created a gold-plated AK-47 rifle.  It might look nice, but it just shows how shallow they really are.  Someone who is serious about a gold rifle would have spent the time and engineering effort to overcome the challenges and create a solid gold rifle.

Why won't they let us help?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to helping wherever we can, especially when it keeps people with criminal intent from being able to accomplish their horrid designs.  In this case, a cat was being used to smuggle supplies to prisoners in Brazil.  We strongly suspect that the cat's heart wasn't in the task, as otherwise he would not likely have been caught, which is why we wonder why the prison officials continue to insist that the cat can't help them as he can't talk when we have repeatedly offered the use of our thought translation device.  It's sad that people have such biases that they won't even take advantage of half-baked technology that may or may not help them.

Misguided efforts

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to improving the world, which is why we sometimes post here about what is wrong with society.  Today's topic is misguided efforts.  Much time and effort is spent today on improving society, but most of the ways people attempt to improve society are misguided and produce side effects that are as bad or worse than the initial problem.  Case in point, this father, who decided that his son was spending altogether too much time playing video games online.  His goal was to reduce the amount of time his son spent playing, and he figured he would accomplish this goal by having his son's avatar assassinated.  He hired virtual assassins to harass his son's avatar with their avatars, and figured that by having his player killed his son would stop playing.  Unfortunately, however, these sorts of games often have players die and respawn, and his son's character would not just die like a real-world counterpart would.  His son ended up confronting the assassins and asking why they kept bothering him, and when he found out was probably rather irritated with his father.  Regardless of the topic our supporters should be careful not to just jump on a bandwagon, even if it does have a good goal.  Careful consideration should be given to the likely outcomes, lest we all end up irritating our sons instead of convincing them to not play so many video games.

Unreasonable Laws: a Technique for Making Other Proposals Sound More Reasonable

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with how to push our agenda and inaugurate the New Future, so when we saw this unique application of one of our favorite techniques being used in Aceh, Indonesia, we were quite excited.  The theory behind this approach is that in most negotiations you will have to give up some of what you initially wanted, so you need to be ready to throw away the more extreme parts of your agenda.  The solution is to propose something even more extreme than your most extreme agenda so that it can be dismissed immediately by other parties to the negotiations, leaving you in a stronger position for negotiations.  In this case, the city officials have successfully adopted a position so extreme that the world has taken notice and criticized them for requiring women to ride motorcycles side-saddle.  We hope our astute supporters will begin incorporating similar tactics into all of their negotiations.

We're back!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not back posting at this forum.  Unfortunately our efforts to address the problems that led to the two-day blackout of posts on this blog have caused a more serious outage, and we are now working to address the causes of this situation.  You can rest assured, however, that we did not take a break from fighting evil, but that our network infrastructure has been less than reliable since we made some adjustments.  You can expect more regular posts now, unless our network infrastructure is again damaged by the adjustments we have made.  Oh, and all of our candidates for membership in the Board of Dictators failed to complete the GNU Public Obstacle Course, so we're deciding whether to eliminate them all or give them another chance.  Let us know what you think and we may take it into account!