A Meeting with the Allies

The Allies have contacted us and offered to have our representatives meet to discuss the latest incidents between us.  They have assured us that they consider us a valuable institution in the fight against brads and that the recent actions apparently against us were not meant to harm anyone.  We have agreed to meet with them early next week and will keep you apprised of any developments.  At this point, we are a bit skeptical, but we figure we will give them a chance.  After all, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not forgiving!

It is starting to make sense...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad that we finally understand many of the problems that have led to our current human/non-human supporter crisis, and we're nothing if not thrilled that it doesn't appear to be the New Company or even the Parent Corporation.  At the same time, however, we are a bit distraught at what we have found out.

Our break came when we discovered an apparent mistake in a news article about the recent wildfires.  The first sentence explains that homes in Colorado Springs are being destroyed; not by the fire raging there but by the "wildfires raging across six US states."  As is always the case in such cases we directed our operatives to verify or dismiss the idea, and when they came back and said that it was indeed the case that all of the wildfires in the western United States at the moment are being used to destroy homes in Colorado Springs through the use of some sort of satellite heat transfer system (which, by the way, we have summarily destroyed) we began our investigation in earnest.  It turns out that the heat transfer system was registered to an entity calling itself "Allied Solutions" and that it had been created over the last two years without fanfare and had been advertised as a weather monitoring system  (one of our operatives had discovered the heat transfer system and had used his influence to get his message printed in the new article.  Unfortunately, he is now missing and presumed dead).  We won't go into all of the gory details of the investigation, but, as you may have guessed, "Allied Solutions" doesn't really exist.  The paper trail we did discover (we got the jump on them by acting more quickly than they had expected) led us to some familiar names and faces, and before long we found ourselves looking at the group we had called the Allies.

We had thought the Allies were with us, and they have proven useful in our fight against brads, but we have never fully understood their motivations.  If the trail that we discovered has not been tampered with, it appears that they have been trying to use the wildfires to drive home the point that humans will defend their own habitats much more quickly than they will defend the habitats of non-humans, and that therefore our promise of equal rights for all is nothing more than political posturing.  We are deeply saddened by this libelous accusation and hope that we have misunderstood.  The trail showed further evidence that many of the other incidents that have strained relations among our supporters were instigated by their operatives.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, but we must also admit that, as in any decision, a variety of factors are considered when limited resources are applied to problems such as wildfires.  In general, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.  When the ones exerting their efforts are the few, however, the equation often reverses.  We ask all of our human and non-human supporters to come together and understand that we do believe we can all live together in harmony and peace.

A Conversation with a Cuttlefish

After Datasect posted his comments on this post we decided to talk to the cuttlefish he suspected may be behind the recent conflicts between our human and our other supporters.  Our investigation is by no means complete, but the following conversation with one representative of our cuttlefish supporters was very interesting, which is why we have reproduced it below.

Lest you think we are confused, we don't believe cuttlefish can talk.  We understand that they do not have vocal chords, and that the sounds they produce have never been deciphered as language.  In order to communicate with them we attached electrodes to various locations on their bodies and used an algorithm developed by Count Quisling to translate the signals into speech.  The algorithm is not perfect, but it is better than nothing.  Here is our conversation:

Tim: Hello, loyal cuttlefish.  Can you understand me?
Cuttlefish: Yes, Tim dictator. I understand very well.
Tim: Excellent.  Do you have a name?
Cuttlefish: Yes, some people tell me Crktdwk.
Tim: I will address you as Crktdwk, then.  Crktdwk, are you aware of the currently strained relations between human and non-human supporters of the GNU Public Dictatorship?
Crktdwk: I read a blog, and met with numerous dark brown, some people very angry supporters of the GNU General Public dictatorship.
Tim: I am sorry to hear about the dark brown.  Have you heard of any organized movements in your fellow cuttlefish or other species with which you may have interacted?
Crktdwk: I said, my brother Gtplnwk octopus, swimming pool, on the internet, and tried, but I is compacted of gross domestic product (GDP), an accident, to joint efforts.
Tim: I'm sorry, Crktdwk, I don't think I understood that.  Did the compacted gross domestic product of the swimming pool anger an octopus and lead to efforts to organize?
Crktdwk: My message was translated to the campaign, and I do not have an organized movement, literally. Contract mad cow big octopus and gross national product (GDP).
Tim: I understand that you are not affiliated with any organized movements.  Are you saying that the movement is trying to infect humans with mad cow disease via big octopi?  I guess they got angry about the economic crisis humans created?
Crktdwk: It is not impossible. I'm mad cow octopus, or refuses to call me again to talk about it. Seafood are you?
Tim: No, I am not seafood.  We will have our operatives investigate the viability of transmitting mad cow through octopi.  If they call you again to talk, let us know.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making the world a better place for all of its inhabitants.
Crktdwk: Now you can be fishing? Personally I am tired of the dictatorship of the GNU discussion. I will not eat. Hey, now.
Tim: I think you are wise to not eat seafood.  We will be fishing for clues right away.  Hey, now!
Crktdwk: the.

As you can see, the translation is far from perfect, but at least we now have some leads to investigate.  Who would have thought the economic crisis brought on by humans would have angered the octopi enough to devise a method to use themselves to spread mad cow disease to unsuspecting humans.  Perhaps we should, in the short term, follow Crktdwk's advice, and not eat.  Caution may be the best choice, after all!

This is starting to get ridiculous

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not anxious for everything to return to normal, which is why it irks us so when incidents such as this petty lawsuit continue to complicate relations between our human and non-human supporters.

Ever since Kofi Annan brokered the human/non-human ceasefire we have had hopes that this volatile relationship would right itself, but neither side has been willing to implement the peace plan.  Both sides are apparently employing gangs of thugs to do their dirty work, and animal attacks on humans have been steadily rising over the last few weeks.  Violence against animals is harder to quantify as various forms of torture and murder of many animal species are routinely permitted in the otherwise civilized world.  Differentiating between "sport" and "retaliation" is a challenge that has proven too difficult for now.

What is worse, our observers have been coming under attack and we believe it may not be safe to keep them where they are.  The situation is rapidly developing into a civil war, or, perhaps worse, a schism.

For years our enemies have dreamed of dividing us, but we have held steady.  Our triumphs over the last few years are a testament to the dedication of our supporters, and we could not have made it this far without the spirit of unity that usually pervades our efforts.  Let us not give in to our enemies' plans to divide us, but let us go forward united against evil.  United we stand, divided we fall, etc., etc.

Anyway, if the situation continues to worsen we fear we may have to discipline our less-cooperative supporters.  We don't want it to get so out of hand that we have to take arms against our own supporters, but if it comes to that be assured that we will win.

Again, can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed that more of our supporters aren't letting bygones be bygones and moving on.  A recent string of events including, but not limited to an unfortunate incident where a moose was used as ammunition in a dastardly attack, an apparently retaliatory raid on a backyard party by a herd of cows, and several other incidents including sheep abuse, and mutant super-hens has apparently caused a significant rift in our supporters.  Our supporters have always been a diverse group, but we have always been able to see past our differences.  The recent introduction of the Orvillecopter appeared to be just what we needed to reset relations between the two groups, but, sadly, our supporters are still divided.

Case in point, BiBi and Poldi, who have begun fighting after a century-long romance.  Zoo officials are baffled at their falling out.  Our operatives, however, have confirmed that BiBi is more sympathetic to the cause of non-human supporters of the GPD (she believes we are saying that some are more equal than others), while Poldi believes the movement is primarily a human one, and that humans are more important to it than non-human supporters.  Our operatives attempted to resolve the conflict, but were unable to convince them that both of their arguments make sense.  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, which is why we will fight abuses in any form, regardless of who or what is being abused, especially when we find that the GPD is responsible for the abuse.  At the same time, current generations of cows have not demonstrated an organizational ability sufficient to combat the Parent Corporation and its evil affiliates or even the New Company with its minimal resources.  As such, the cows, while a full part of our movement, do rely heavily on the human members of the GPD.

We understand that the debate will rage on, but we do hope that our supporters can unite to face our common enemies very soon.  We don't have enough evidence to state it categorically yet, but we believe the New Company may be behind this recent string of divisive events, and it would be a shame to let them win simply because we can't all just get along.

Catcopter!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why we were excited to learn of Bart Jansen's plans to turn his late pet cat into a remote control helicopter.  We were also a bit apprehensive as we weren't sure whether the helicopter would be a fitting memorial for his beloved cat, especially if he couldn't make it fly well, but our fears were allayed when we saw the finished product.  We know that tensions are high right now between our human and our other supporters, and that there have been several unfortunate incidents, but we ask now that all of our supporters unite behind the glory that is the Orvillecopter!

Oh, and the Parent Corporation has filed for separation from the New Company citing too many philosophical differences.  We are not surprised, especially as the Parent Corporation has been nearly driven into the ground by the Crafties and their zealous leader "Jack."  It appears that the schism has put some pressure on "Gertrude" and we're not sure she will remain CEO of the New Company, but our operatives think it likely that she will play a large role in shaping their vision regardless of what position she ends up in.  While both entities present a threat to world peace we believe that the New Company poses more of an immediate threat, but we will continue to keep you informed of any interesting bits of information our operatives glean about the goals of either entity.

Mutant super-hens?

In the ongoing conflict among human and non-human world citizens, it would be easy to overlook some apparently insignificant clues.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not thorough.  Recently we discovered a plot by some unscrupulous farmers with no apparent ties to the Parent Corporation to create super-hens.  As of yet their attempts have been unsuccessful, but more importantly, we have finally established the link we were missing.  One of the hens being tested on used to belong to a separatist group of the Parent Corporation.  We believe that it received its "modifications" there, and we hope that this means the farmers were just lucky to get the mutant hens and do not have an active research program capable of creating them.  Incidentally, the Parent Corporation hasn't been observed in super-hen trials since their spectacular failure in 2003.  We will do our best to keep you appraised of any new developments!

Can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened when insignificant conflicts escalate beyond a reasonable level.  A case in point was the recent retaliation against some sheep, apparently for the incident where cows overstepped their authority.  We regret this incident and hope it will lead to no more suffering on the part of our supporters, human or otherwise.

Unethical behavior of animals

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the ethical treatment of animals, but we do not use that commitment to justify heinous acts, regardless of who is committing them.  Most of our supporters understand this, but, sadly, some of them do not have the cognitive ability to distinguish equality from superiority.  It seems that some of our bovine supporters used our last message here (about the unethical treatment of a moose) to justify bullying their human neighbors and stealing their libations.  Our operatives were on the scene soon after the incident for damage control, and after the cows were collected they were informed that their actions were unacceptable.  They argued that they were just exerting their equality with humans, but after our operatives explained the likely outcome had a group of humans done what they did, they understood that they had made a mistake.

The cows involved in this incident are sorry for the trouble they caused, and have committed to make no such mistakes in the future.  Unfortunately, their IQs are low enough that we fear they may forget about this commitment.  We ask all of our supporters to keep an eye on the cows in their neighborhoods and inform their local GPD office if they find any raucous or rowdy behavior.

Unethical treatment of animals

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to equal rights for all, including our animal, vegetable, undead, and bacterial (assuming they ever ask for it) friends.  This commitment is not without challenges, however, as many times the benefit of one individual or group of individual is in direct conflict with the rights of some other individual or group.  The resolution of these conflicts is our mission; we aim to create a New Future where all will be treated fairly.

At the same time, some of these conflicts are easily resolved, such as the recent case in which a woman was attacked with a moose.  The mainstream media have steered clear of the more controversial (and more correct) interpretation of the facts in the case and have stuck with the story that the woman struck and killed a moose with her vehicle and then drove 25 miles further with a severely damaged car and absolutely no memory of the incident.  The facts, however, show that the damage due to her car was not random happenstance, but a direct result of a weapons test by none other than operatives of the New Company.  While no official statement of responsibility has been issued, the trail is clear.  Operatives of the New Company, posing as operatives of the GPD, set up an experimental moose cannon in the Canadian forest, leaving leaflets about the dangers of brads strewn around the forest floor (on a side note, the GNU Public Dictatorship is also nothing if not against litter, and had those been our operatives they would have been subjected to the feared refrigerator-door jamb torture).  Anyway, the cannon apparently requires a live or recently killed moose, so they brought one along and loaded it into the cannon.  They took aim at several vehicles, and, according to the forensics clues, the cannon misfired at least twice, killing the moose.  On their last try they were successfully able to hit the passing vehicle of the unlucky Michelle Higgins, whose subsequent story has been reported fairly well by the mainstream media.

We don't know what we find more disturbing: the use of a live moose as ammunition, or the pitiful attempts at shifting the blame to us.  We do not think the New Company's operatives are that inept, which is why we believe this is part of some larger plot that we have not yet uncovered.  Rest assured, however, that no matter what you read, the GPD is not creating or considering the creation of cannons that use live moose or any other animals as ammunition!

Soon!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not eager to get back to regular posts.  This post, which really isn't much of a post after all, is to let all of our anxious readers know that the situation that caused us to suspend our posts for several weeks now is the clearing stages and traffic will soon return to normal!  Thank you for using alternate routes in the meantime and bearing with us.

Evil snares

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making the world a better place, which is why it pains us so much when our enemies win small victories.  It is especially frustrating when our enemies' victories would not have been possible had we not made some critical mistakes.  As it turns out all of the effort we have spent into investigating "Gertrude" has made it possible for the New Company to expand its influence. The recent death of Dick Clark was a turning point in our response to "Gertrude," but it has come too late.  We were lucky that our operative discovered these booby traps before some innocent person was hurt, but the fact that we let the problem go this far is a testament to the fact that the New Company succeeded in their nefarious trickery.

The individuals involved were, until recently, fairly innocuous.  In the last month or so, however, their consumption of brads had increased dramatically (which should have been a warning to us, but we let ourselves focus on "Gertrude") to the point that they obviously became mindless addicts.  According to our operatives they were told to create the booby traps in return for more brads, which were, apparently, not ever given to them.  We are sorry for our errors in judgment, and are relieved that the cost of our errors was not greater than it was.

As for "Gertrude," our operatives have decided that she was just a ruse.  The New Company stands by its vile misogyny as much now as it ever has.  Earlier today the New Company stopped referring to her at all, and we have not found any trace of her.  We believe that they used her and got rid of her, but for her sake we hope she isn't sleeping with the fishes.

Tragedy!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping the world safe from evil, which is why when evil scores a point or two we get very frustrated.  At this point it appears that while we were working on the mystery of "Gertrude" the New Company somehow killed Dick Clark.  We regret this tragedy and vow that we will not let our mistrust of our enemies keep us from paying attention to what they are doing.  Their sleight of hand was calculated and well-executed, but it is no excuse for our falling for it.  We're sorry.

Conclusions

Our operatives have been busily working to answer our questions about "Gertrude" and, without further ado, are their conclusions:

Q.  Could "Gertrude" really be a greban?
A.  We have studied the greban situation for several months now, and our scientists are convinced that the likelihood of the Parent Corporation (or the New Company) having successfully created a human-grebe hybrid is approximately 1 in 3,924,111, with a margin of error of approximately 7.  Given these long odds, we do not believe that "Gertrude" is a greban.

Postscript to A. While these odds are long, they are based on the best estimates we have of Parent Corporation/New Company technology.  If they have successfully concealed significant resources, then it is a completely different situation.  Our statisticians estimate the likelihood of them having concealed a significant lab from us at approximately 1 in 212.  Assuming that they have concealed a lab from us, the likelihood that they have created a viable greban is approximately 1 in 403.  The margin of error on both of these calculations was estimated at approximately 13.  This creates overall odds of about 1 in 85,436.  Given these small odds, we still believe that "Gertrude" is not a greban.

Q.  Could "Gertrude" be possessed by a male grebe, thus making her not exactly female?
A.  Yes.  Assuming "Gertrude" is a greban, the odds are approximately 1 in 2 that she is inhabited by a male grebe.  This could explain why the New Company has accepted her as their leader despite their misogyny.

Q.  Could "Gertrude" be a robot?
A.  Our scientists have studied this for some time, and have concluded that the New Company does not have the technology to create a robot as sophisticated as "Gertrude", besides the fact that she has clearly not followed the first law of robotics.

Q.  Could "Gertrude" be a proxy?
A.  Our operatives have been unable to confirm whether "Gertrude" is a proxy, but based on their observations our statisticians have estimated the likelihood of "Gertrude" being simply a pretty face and taking orders from some unseen entity at approximately 1 in 14.  Given the long odds on other possibilities, this seems like a likely alternative, but there is no direct evidence to support it yet.  It may simply be that "Gertrude" has overcome the endemic misogyny in the New Company.

Confusion and Delay

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not open about our plans, but there are times when we prefer to keep our hand hidden until we know exactly what we are dealing with.  At times this dichotomy can be troubling, as we may not want our enemies to know what we are up to for fear that they will find ways to thwart our efforts, but most of the time it presents no difficulty.  We try our best to keep concerned world citizens in the loop, but there are times when they must be kept out of the loop until our operatives are completely safe.  


One such time occurred this last week, when concerned world citizens began to speculate in ways that had the potential to put our top operatives in harm's way.  The suggestion that perhaps "Gertrude" is a Greban unfortunately caused the New Company to lock down their organization.  We immediately gave our operatives the message to temporarily stop digging into "Gertrude," but even with the warning two of our operatives were compromised.  In this instance nobody suffered any bodily harm, but it was shaping up to be quite a sticky situation.  We are pleased that our world citizens are sharp enough to come up with theories that put the New Company on the defensive, and we urge all of our supporters to keep putting the theories forth, regardless of the potential implications.


For the record, there is no evidence (yet) that "Gertrude" is a Greban, or that the Greban experiment succeeded in any measure.  We are, however, still convinced that she isn't what she appears to be.  Perhaps our operatives that weren't compromised in this operation will find out soon.  If not, our scientists are digging into the Greban experiment and will likely determine soon whether "Gertrude" could, in fact, be a Greban.  Our robotics experts are also trying to determine whether she could be a robot by testing whether she obeys Asimov's three laws of robotics.  We believe, however, that she has done harm to humans and therefore cannot be a robot, but we are still investigating the possibility.

The Contradiction that is "Gertrude"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we weren't able to release this information any sooner.  Our operatives confirmed to our satisfaction yesterday that "Gertrude" (the new CEO of the New Company) is, in fact, a woman.  Since the New Company was created it has tirelessly promoted brads and other office products, and, perhaps more interestingly, has created several shrines to brads.  They don't appear to have been able to organize anything as widespread as the Brad Guys, but they have created an atmosphere in which near-religious adoration of the evil office product is not simply tolerated but promoted.  They have not yet been able to get brad production back to their peak levels, but they are slowing the decline.  In short, they are a worthy opponent.  The Parent Corporation, on the other hand, appears to be stagnant, with  "Jack" showing a complete lack of direction.  Hole punch use is declining rapidly, and our operatives assure us that no new plans are afoot from either the Parent Corporation or the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.

With this resurgence of the New Company it is, of course, incumbent upon us to prevent their success.  Our focus, therefore, has been in understanding our new enemy and the New Company's plans for the future.  In this process we have repeatedly come up against the apparent contradiction that a group dedicated to a misogynistic symbol would allow a woman to lead.  Now that we have shown that "Gertrude" is, in fact, a woman, we have to face this contradiction.  We cannot at this time fully reconcile the situation, but we do have a theory we are pursuing.  Perhaps misogyny is now considered passe, with a preference for a more Darwinist "survival of the fittest" philosophy.  If this is the case a strong woman is essentially the same as the old symbol for male dominance.  We can't say for sure right now, but we can say that we will let you know as soon as we have cracked the mystery that is "Gertrude".

Yuri Ivanov

We would like to formally congratulate Yuri Ivanov for his extraordinary efforts to help world citizens in the former Soviet Socialist Republics.  His tireless enthusiasm for what is Right and True have earned him the Hero of the People award, which is reserved for those world citizens whose contributions significantly advance the cause of the GNU Public Dictatorship.  Congratulations, Yuri.

Yuri was born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1919.  His childhood was mostly unremarkable as he worked with his family in a subsistence farm.  The creation of the Ukranian Soviet Socialist Republic had little effect on his family, as did the merger with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics a few years later.  In fact, Yuri and his family were about as far from politics as was possible.  He never attended formal schooling, but he often wrote letters to his local government officials asking them to take action to stop the spread of pernicious office implements and to educate the public on the ill effects these had on society.  His efforts were mostly ignored, but in 1933 he was formally asked to stop petitioning on the matter.  He was quite frustrated and retreated into himself.  He saved up enough money to buy a wagon and became a travelling salesman.  While he did make enough to subsist on, his real goal was to spread his message to villagers everywhere.  He was successful in avoiding notice for many years, but in 1938 he was again asked to stop spreading such nonsense.  Frustrated with his local government he moved around frequently, always encountering government officials who, sometimes politely, sometimes not so politely, asked him to stop preaching "his new religion."

For many years Yuri avoided the government officials (and the second World War) and built relationships with villagers all around the USSR.  He learned many trades and earned three doctorates and several other advanced degrees (but couldn't receive them officially because he was not in good favor with the government) in diverse subjects such as metallurgy, political science, and nutrition.

When we first met Yuri in 1999 we were astounded at the clarity with which he perceived the problems with brads and hole punches, and we offered him a position on the Board of Dictators.  He declined, saying that the years were beginning to wear him down and he didn't want the fame that would come with such an appointment.  Instead, he helped establish several local GPD chapters.  Once he had got them up and running Yuri decided to become an operative, and his intelligence has been instrumental on many occasions in thwarting the enemies of the people.  Yuri is turning 93 this year and has officially retired from his responsibilities so that he can focus on his decoupage.  Yuri has been a great asset and has been tireless in spreading our message even before we were born.  Thanks, Yuri, you really are a Hero of the People.

We're back!

It may have seemed to some that we had abandoned our supporters and gone to live in our underground bunkers where we plan to weather the nuclear holocaust which will ensue if the Parent Corporation or its affiliates decide to pursue nuclear weapons, but, thankfully, this is not the case.

We have been incommunicado for a few weeks, but things are proceeding in a fairly ordinary manner and there is very little to report.  We stopped posting to this forum for a while after we discovered an insidious program that was apparently rewriting our posts.  After we discovered its origins we observed it for a while and, now that we have discovered how it works and have disabled it we are able to post again.

As for some updates:

• Construction on the new GNU Public Parking Garage has been delayed again as our engineers still haven't solved all of the problems associated with allowing those parking there to reconfigure the parking garage to suit their needs.
• The New Company has named a new CEO, who is known only as "Gertrude".  We find it vexing that they have apparently embraced women as leaders in the workplace while still holding to their beliefs about brads which are the embodiment of gender-based discrimination.  Of course we have yet to confirm that "Gertrude" is a woman...
• Yuri Ivanov has just been named Hero of the People for his work in the former Soviet Socialist Republics.  We will have a more formal announcement and a biographical sketch as soon as he receives his award.

Thanks again for your patience. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be free to post again!

Decreased alert level: T55

The last few weeks have been eventful, but, thankfully, have also shown that the Parent Corporation is becoming less relevant all the time.  As a consequence of these new developments, our alert level is being lowered to T55 from its high of U32.  

Our operatives have been busy finding out all they can about what is going on in our enemies' organizations, and we can report that the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch are so deeply embattled at the moment with internal strife that they are essentially no threat to the citizens of the world.  This may change at any moment, but for now they are not a serious concern.

Unfortunately, the New Company has been becoming more and more active in its attempts to destroy civilized society with its evil office products, so we'll call this a mixed blessing.  At least we know that, for now, we only have one real enemy to face.

Vindication (still no UFOs)

When we increased our alert level to R8 some called us paranoid, others suggested that we were overreacting. Few were the voices that let us know that they thought we were on the right track.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not determined to do what is right, which is why we increased our alert level.  For the last few weeks we have been silently evaluating the operations of the Parent Corporation, and in the last few days we have uncovered an evil conspiracy and prevented untold amounts of damage.

When the New Company split from the Parent Corporation many predicted that it would wither and die, but it seems that the "Crafties" are more involved in internal political strife than the "non-Crafties" who joined the New Company.  The Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch (a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation) have done almost nothing to further the dissemination of evil office products around the world.  In fact, they have spent (according to our operatives' best guesses) approximately 93.5% of their resources on internal power struggles and on purchasing as much Chef Craft equipment as possible.  While these pursuits are not beneficial to the world, they have significantly less impact on the innocent civilians and are thus less hateful than the activities they have pursued in the past.  In fact, due to this change in priorities, the per-capita consumption of hole punches world wide is at an all-time low.

While the Parent Corporation is embattled in internal strife and ignoring external goings-on, however, the New Company has apparently been honing its skills and focusing on an old-fashioned brad explosion.  Sales of brads are not declining nearly as much as they were six months ago, and we believe it is their fault.  Yesterday we acted decisively to disrupt a sleeper cell of "scrapbooking enthusiasts" who had amassed enough brads to corrupt every school child in the state of California.  While we can't guarantee that there are no other sleeper cells, the documents we recovered suggest that this cell has been the primary focus for the New Company for some time.  Our discovery and dismantling of their secret plans may have prevented millions of school children from becoming addicted to brads, and it appears to have set back their plans quite well.

While we are proud of our operatives and grateful that these brads were intercepted early, we are increasing our alert to U32 in consequence of this operation.  We believe the New Company may be attempting to deal us an immense blow, and we ask all of our supporters to be careful!