A new development

A recent incident in Murray, UT has garnered significant attention. As usual, the news reports focus on the humorous side of the unusual occurrence without taking the time to dig into what it all means. We would like to let you know that due to a tip from "Walter" we have found that this dog belonged to the Company's No. 1, "John." Further investigation has shown that he was abandoned not long before the incident at Smith's. Our best information points to the fact that "John" could no longer afford to feed his dog and so he had him flown to Salt Lake City International Airport and abandoned him there. We figure he picked Utah because it has a reputation for being kind to animals. We hesitate to jump to conclusions, but all signs point to the fact that the Company is declining precipitously and may be on its last legs. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hopeful, so here's hoping that the Company's end may come sooner than any of us thought!

The Price of Oil

As the price of oil surged over the summer, many analysts said bad things might be coming. The price of oil recently fell below $39/barrel, but many analysts are saying this is a bad thing. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not informative, and so we would like to explain what is going on here.

An altruistic news outlet would strive for a single goal: give the public unbiased and useful information that would allow them to make informed decisions. Unfortunately, the world's news outlets are not altruistic. They are answerable to corporations that pay the salaries of the reporters and anchors, and therefore answer primarily to those who have the money. If those who have the money are altruistic this does not significantly alter the goal of the news outlet, but, unfortunately, those with the money are rarely altruistic. More often than not, those with the money simply want more money. This changes the basic motivation of the news outlet from one of providing unbiased information to one of providing information that the public is willing to pay for (through newspaper costs or advertising revenue or what-not). This fundamental switch in motivation accounts for most of the doomsday-style headlines we see, including those about "high oil prices are bad" and "low oil prices are bad."

Now that this blog is firmly established, here at the GPD we are currently working on establishing a number of altruistic news outlets that will tell you the way things are, not the way people with money think you want to be told that things are. Keep your eyes open!

The lack of posts over the weekend

The volume of Christmas gifts being returned over the weekend must have been higher than normal (most people would blame the slow economy, but I know better...we have a lot of secret projects underway at the moment) as the weight of said items appears to have created a black-hole-like mass near my computer that does not allow for Internet traffic to escape. It appears that today the mass has dissipated, and that the supply of posts will now cease to be interrupted. We have scientists working overtime on this phenomenon, but we don't have any publishable results just yet. Thank you all for your patience.

Big Brother is (Possibly) Watching You

Most of us are now used to the idea that we are probably on somebody's video surveillance almost anywhere we turn, and so we have stopped thinking about it. Even criminals sometimes forget that they are on camera and make embarrassing blunders. Those of us who have no criminal goals, however, have generally felt no ill effects from the constant video surveillance and tend to harbor no ill-will against it... not yet, anyway.

With the increasing number of red light and speeding cameras, however, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that it will not be long before most people are irritated with video surveillance. It has long been known that these traffic enforcement cameras are not infallible. There was even an episode of Columbo where the perpetrator used a speeding camera to fake himself an alibi. Recently in Maryland the trend of faking out the traffic cameras has taken another turn. Apparently teenagers as a prank will print out someone's license plate, affix it to their own, and then speed past the cameras to send traffic tickets to someone they don't particularly like. What is perhaps the biggest concern here is that the local police department doesn't admit to knowing that things like this happen.

We, your Board of Dictators, promise that you won't be ticketed by fallible machines once we are in control. We may leave them around to instill fear in the hearts of the weak-minded, but we will not use them to distribute traffic violations. We also promise that our revenue estimates will not be based on quotas of traffic violations and therefore we will not have any incentive beyond cruelty (which, incidentally, is not a driving force in the GPD) to serve up more traffic violations than is absolutely necessary.

Merry Christmas (and Happy Other Holidays) from the GPD!

We would like to send out to everyone a Christmas (and other Holiday) greeting. We hope you are enjoying yourselves!

We have created a special "Holiday GPD Logo" for your enjoyment. Enjoy!

More from our anonymous friend

It seems that "Walter" has been busy. In addition to loads of new intelligence that we can't talk about here lest we endanger our agents he has found time to implement the beginnings of vigilante-style superhero law enforcement in Malaysia. As is usual in these cases the news reports tend to focus on the absurdity of the witness's claims rather than the real story, but congrats to "Walter" anyway. We haven't heard yet whether "Walter's" superhero persona has a name, but we hope it's a good one, since the name "Walter" doesn't strike much fear into the hearts of hardened criminals (at least not yet). While we are not suggesting that all of our supporters should create superhero personae and carry out vigilante-style justice, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to stopping petty crime, and we are pleased that Malaysia has a new (nameless) hero.

Equality: not so simple as you thought

We have received a lot of questions from our supporters as of late inquiring as to why we talk about equality and refer to people as "world citizens" when we clearly put ourselves in a position of more power and prestige than the average world citizen. Some have even accused us of following the pattern in Orwell's classic Animal Farm, where the pigs used the slogan "All animals are created equal" to start the revolution, and then shamelessly added "... but some are more equal than others" to justify their oppression. We consider these comments libelous and craven, but since we are a benevolent Board of Dictators we will not respond in kind. We would like to state that we believe all men are created equal in terms of their rights and duties, but we do not believe that equality extends to all aspects of life.

Take, for example, the American tradition of voting. The current electoral system allows for each person who is at least 18 years old to cast a single vote in whatever matters come before the voters where he or she lives. This is often called "fair" or "equal" as every voter has the same influence on the outcome of the election as every other voter. If you were to stop and consider it, however, this system is not necessarily fair, especially when voters are asked to decide matters of policy. Why should a teenager fresh from high school be given the same voice as someone who has studied the issues for years and is clearly more qualified to make the decision? Shouldn't the more intelligent, ambitious, and accomplished part of society be given more of a voice than those who spend their days watching sitting on a couch and not contributing to society except by keeping advertising revenue high by watching more TV? Clearly fairness and equality are more complex than they appear to be.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that people are inherently different, and that some are more ambitious than others and will inevitably achieve more and contribute to society more than others. We will work very hard to eliminate the barriers that keep certain ethnic and social groups below others, but we will not force everyone to be ambitious achievers. We embrace the idea of putting all of our citizens on equal footing and then letting them become what they may become, even if some become members of the Board of Dictators while others barely achieve anything.

Liberty and Limits

Last week the Board of Dictators held a human rights summit, as many of the more prominent human rights organizations (including the ACLU and Amnesty International) had written to express concern that we had not specified how we would ensure human rights as dictators of the world. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to human rights, and we told them as much in the extremely successful summit.

One thing we learned from the summit, though, is that there is a general misunderstanding about the roles of liberties and limits in society, which is why I am posting this. Make no mistake about it, the GPD is in favor of giving world citizens all of the liberties that we can. We believe that when people are free to choose their own destinies they are generally happier and more productive than they would be under duress. Unfortunately, however, people across the world have frequently shown that they are incapable of managing even the simplest liberties possible. For example, a lady in New Jersey recently chose to raise at least 69 rabbits in her one-bedroom apartment. Another lady in North Carolina chose to move 61 Christmas trees into her house. Someone in Michigan chose to leave a heart (possibly human) in a carwash. Someone in Pennsylvania named children "Adolf Hitler" and "Aryan Nation" but can't understand why people think he is racist. These are just a small sampling of the deluge of strange decisions made every day, but they illustrate the point that society cannot be left completely to itself lest it degerate entirely.

At the summit we outlined our system, which essentially means that each world citizen will initially be on the same footing as every other citizen, but as they make good use of their choices the limits they have will be removed. An illustration or two may explain how this system is designed to work, and will probably be instructive. Parents naming children, for example, will initially have to run the names by the local GPD office, but after they demonstrate an aptitude for naming children they will be allowed to name their children by themselves, and only if the name is found to be in bad taste when the birth certificate is drawn up will the couple have to meet with officials at the GPD office. As for driving, we will build our system on top of the SQ freeway metering solution already proposed. We will allow newly-licensed drivers to have more restrictive route choices (with lower speed limits) and allow drivers who have demonstrated responsibility to use the unrestricted roads. This principle is essentially a way to avoid anarchy by give society limits, but also ensure that those citizens who are responsible enough can rise above the petty rules.

And there are no cats in ... Toronto?

It seems the lovable rodents have finally exacted revenge on their feline antagonists. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to commend the rodents who gave their lives in this cause so that their peers might enjoy a more cat-free environment. I think Fievel would be proud, as even his great Mouse of Minsk didn't get rid of a hundred cats at once.

A friend of a friend of a friend

A recent study published in the British Medical Journal (or, if you prefer a summarized version look here) has used twenty years worth of data to assess the way happiness can be spread to other people. Previous studies have tried to deal with the pathology of happiness, but this study used data from the US Framingham Heart Study to study how happiness is able to attach itself to new hosts, and because of the amount and quality of the data were able to discover previously unknown vectors for happiness infection.

The basic results of the study included that happy individuals tend to be among us in clusters, and that they found that happiness spreads through existing social networks rather than the networks rearranging when happy people seek each other out. Also, the risk of infection from happiness is greatly elevated when a person is co-resident with a happy person, and is somewhat elevated when living within 1.6km (1 mile) of a happy person. It also concluded that simply living near a happy person does not cause infection. The key elements are proximity and relationships. Two neighbors who never speak to each other are unlikely to spread happiness. Perhaps the most interesting result of this study is that even the happiness of a friend of a friend of a friend can affect you.

We applaud the work done by James H Fowler and Nicholas A Christakis, and would like to point out that it supports a study we commissioned years ago about the infectious properties of "support for a cause". At the GNU Public Dictatorship we have found that our influence extends far beyond our friends, and far beyond their friends. We would like to encourage all of our supporters to redouble their efforts in spreading their support to their friends. If all of us do so, the results will be great!

Common Myths Debunked

In the spirit of my post about "proof" and this BBC article we have decided to debunk a few myths of our own. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about correcting misconceptions.

• Laughter is the best medicine. While laughter can be good for the soul, it doesn't do very much to alleviate even the simplest symptoms of even the simplest cold. Even if laughter were the best medicine for some conditions, it would be very difficult to prove that it was the best medicine in all cases.
• Even the most tempting rose has thorns. As this website points out, there are varieties of roses available that are 95-100% thorn-free. It is likely in this case that you could find a single rose with no thorns on it at all! Even if thornless roses hadn't been created by the marvels of modern technology, it would be hard to prove that no rose anywhere in the world has ever not had thorns. Even if you could prove this never occurred in nature, it would be hard to argue that a de-thorned rose doesn't violate this aphorism.
  
• Living well is the best revenge. Although R.E.M. seems to agree as the first track on their album Accelerate suggests, we don't believe that living well is much revenge at all. How can you avenge the wrongful death of your henchmen by living well? For that matter, what does "living well" really mean? Does it mean avoiding drugs, smoking, and alcohol and getting plenty of rest and exercise? Does it mean living comfortably? Not to mention that proving that there is no better method of revenge would be difficult at best.
• A .44 Magnum beats four aces. While the carrier of a .44 Magnum might be able to take the money of other players, the rules of Poker according to Hoyle clearly do not give a .44 Magnum any advantage over four aces.

We hope this was a useful exercise and look forward to more debunking in the future.

No Firm Proof

We applaud Pakistani President Asif Ali Zardari for sticking to his guns and reaffirming that there is "no firm proof" that the Mumbai attackers came from Pakistan. In fact, we would like to take it one step further and say that we have no firm proof that Asif Ali Zardari even exists. For that matter, we have no firm proof that I am currently writing this blog entry, or that the world even exists. All of our perceptions are colored by our own biases, and so the whole issue of proof should be thrown out forever. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe the world would be a much happier place if people were to stop worrying about proof and simply believe what makes them happy.

More reminders of "Viktor" and his contributions to the GPD

Every so often we are reminded of how much good "Viktor" did for us. His work on turning sarcasm into a useful tool for detecting dementia was nearly complete when he betrayed us, and now that it is out in the public domain the sense of loss is increased. He didn't get the credit for his work, but it was his trials that first suggested that being rude to old people could help us identify the old people that need additional care. He carried out trials among various groups of people, but the results were strongest in older people with dementia. While "Viktor" is still on our most wanted list, we are proud of his accomplishments. Interestingly, since his betrayal "Viktor" doesn't appear to have accomplished much of anything. I guess our agents are dogging him better than the agents of the Company did.

A new threat?

It seems that medieval weapons are turning up more and more in the news these days, even in "quiet" places like the US state of Utah. A quick search of the Deseret News archives revealed the following incidents:

• Two men attack a teenager with a battle ax. In this case the perpetrators were found to be members of the colorful Juggalos.
• Dec. 11: A man attacked his estranged wife with a samurai sword. (or was he charged with attacked her? I love it when newspapers don't edit themselves properly)
• Nov. 30: A man attacked another man with a meat cleaver. I know what you're saying, a meat cleaver is hardly a medieval weapon. Those familiar with Ultima VI, however, will recognize that the meat cleaver was a very fun, if not so powerful, weapon. Ultima VI is clearly a medieval game, so clearly a meat cleaver qualifies as a medieval weapon.
• Nov. 24: A samurai-sword-wielding man is shot and killed by guards at a Scientology building in Hollywood.
  
• Nov. 18: Another meat cleaver attack.

I could post many other incidents, but these will do for now. It is clear that the Company is increasing its efforts to undermine our society, and that the faithful brad is no longer their sole weapon of choice. It appears that a small group of discontent Brad Guys have been extending the perfidious perforation of brads to new lengths. All of these tools are designed to puncture or perforate other materials (including people). This disturbing trend is apparently gaining momentum, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to your safety!

We are implementing a series of increased security practices around GPD offices and ask our supporters everywhere to be on the lookout for ruffians wielding medieval weapons. Rest assured that our operatives are working concertedly to identify and mitigate this apparent threat before it affects the lives of our supporters.

A Despicable Attack

Many of you probably know Daniel Hoevels, the actor. We have recently confirmed that the attempt on his life, which, thankfully, did not end in his death, was perpetrated by a radical splinter group loosely affiliated with the Company. They were under the impression that Daniel had been feeding us information, but they were sadly mistaken. Some of our operatives had indeed attended several plays in which he appeared, but the actor himself had no connection to the Board of Dictators. While we appreciate the bravery with which Mr. Hoevels has faced this challenge, we have been unable to persuade him to support the GNU Public Dictatorship, and therefore we cannot award him the official Hero of the People award generally awarded to supporters who have faced great danger. The statute of limitations for the Hero of the People award is a mere 37 days, so if any of you are friends with Mr. Hoevel and can persuade him to declare his support for us within the next 34 days, please do so.

A Clarification

Many of our readers have been writing in and asking why we wouldn't want to raise the world's children in a communal nursery where love of the GNU Public Dictatorship would be instilled in them at an early age. As a clarification, we never said we wouldn't want to, we simply said we wouldn't do it. For some reason there are a number of groups out there that are uncomfortable with separating families by force and "brainwashing" the children (their words, not ours). In deference to these groups, we will refrain from setting up such a program. Based on all of your feedback, however, we are thinking about setting up a voluntary form of such a nursery for those of our supporters that want to take advantage of it. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not socially advanced!

Pablo Silva, Hero of the People

It is with great pleasure that we present to you Pablo Silva, who has been an ardent supporter for years and has been instrumental in increasing our profile in Latin America. Add to these many years of tireless self-sacrifice his latest accomplishment, and we find a prime candidate for the Hero of the People award. It brings a tear to my eyes.

So, without further ado, we now award Pablo Silva the Hero of the People award for his service to the GNU Public Dictatorship and his foresight in preserving the fairness of free kicks in soccer games without permanently scarring the playing surface. Congratulations, Pablo.

A Response

Several of our readers (who are clearly not supporters and seem to have no regard for their futures) have pointed out that my posts entitled "The Company is crumbling!" and "The Company is trying to diversify!" prove that we are not perfect, and that our claims to infallibility are null and void. I would like to point out that infallibility may not mean what you think it means. It has many different meanings, but the one which the GNU Public Dictatorship has claimed for ourselves is the one stated in the wikipedia article cited above as "some statements or teachings made by [the Board] can be relied on to be certainly true." For the skeptical I will state that 2 + 2 = 4 so that you can all, without a doubt, rely on the statement just made to be certainly true and therefore accept that we are infallible, at least by one definition of the word.

Proceed with Caution!

It has been a great week for our investigative reporting. Not only have we found proof of the dangers of too much karaoke, we have also found that too much kissing can cause hearing loss! What happened in this case was a simple pressure differential problem, where the pressure in the inner ear was reduced so much by the kiss that the ear drum gave way, much like an airlock made of rubber, which, incidentally probably wouldn't be a good idea even if the submarine or spaceship wasn't involved in a passionate kiss. I guess the eardrum was never meant to be an air lock. Anyway, enough rambling. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to keeping you safe! Couples, please proceed with caution.

I can't wait

Recent controversy over the "natural born citizen" status of President-Elect Barack Obama has got me thinking about how nice the world will be when we are no longer future dictators, but dictators. The whole question of citizenship will be completely different under our rule. Instead of basing our estimation of a person's worth on the particular events that preceded that person's birth into this world, we will use the actions of that person to define his or her worth. We won't have to worry about whether someone was born in Weehawken or Novosibirsk, just that they were born.

Don't get us wrong; we won't take this to the extreme it is often taken in science fiction, where babies are separated from parents and raised in a nursery where all sense of individuality is stifled and a sense of patriotic love for the GNU Public Dictatorship is fostered. We don't intend to make everyone equal, just to remove the barriers to that equality. All world citizens (except, perhaps, for those lucky few "preferred citizens") will receive the same treatment from us, and we will make it our mission to serve your needs with enlightened self-interest. After all, it will be in our best interest to keep you happy. Besides, we'll save a bundle by not having to print passports!

The Company is trying to diversify!

I may have been a bit premature with my last post where I intimated that the Company was crumbling and in the throes of death. While brad consumption is down, our sources have corrected me and explained that the Company is realizing that we are winning the war on brads and is attempting to diversify its portfolio. As this BBC News article explains, one of their latest attempts to make a profit is the fake video game console. Please be careful while shopping this holiday season and don't fall into the trap of saving money by buying fake. As Clare Merrills said, "When you buy these goods, you're not funding our economy, you're actually funding criminals in these far off places and it could be linked to terrorism."

Among the other fake goods you should watch out for are:

• Can openers
• Staple guns
• Silly string
• Sofas
• Nuclear reactors

If in doubt, please contact your local GNU Public Dictatorship office where we can look the product up for you. Happy Shopping!

P.S. We are sticking to our goal of ridding the world of the Company by the end of 2009. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not diligent!

Sources

Many people have asked us lately how we have such far-reaching contacts all over the world. It's true that our projects are many and varied. It's also true that our information-gathering network is extensive. However, we are constantly frustrated that our network cannot extend even further to enable us to make even more impact in the world.

Occasionally, something marvelous happens to bring about big change at the GPD. One of these marvelous things has happened recently and we're still agog. We have recently received inside information from a new source, who has named himself "Walter" but refuses to reveal his true identity. 

The contributions of "Walter" have been world-changing. It is through his inside knowledge of The Company that we have made such enormous strides in bringing brad production to a halt in many parts of the world. "Walter" is elusive, however, and our other agents have yet to put a face to the name. His information is strictly one-way: he continually feeds us information but cannot be tracked, so we have no way of passing information back to him.

This is frustrating to us, as we'd like to work with "Walter" to make even greater strides. I am writing today to beg "Walter" to come forward and identify himself so that he can be properly thanked. He is an international hero and should be recognized with the highest honors possible. Once we have tracked his true identity, Tim will be proudly awarding the "Hero of the People" badge.

"Walter": if you're reading this, the dog flies at 11:20 and the horse jumped the moon three nights ago. Please reply.

The Company is crumbling!

The recent capture of Fred has been a stepping stone for us to much greater infiltration of the Company. We can't reveal any of our sources just yet, but we can tell you that reports from multiple sources have confirmed that Fred's attempt to gain admittance into the Board of Dictators was in fact a desperate attempt to keep the Company from crumbling, and that the Company itself is in the throes of death, as the economic crisis we have helped engineer is causing people to buy disproportionately fewer brads this Christmas season.

While we are pleased with our progress, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not ambitious, as we are setting a goal to rid the world of the scourge of the Company by the end of next year! We know it is a long shot, but we believe with all our concerted efforts that we might be able to make it. Besides, what good is a goal unless it inspires us to action!

It's official

For quite some time now the scientific community has been warning about the possible dangers of Karaoke, but has not been able to make much of a dent on public opinion. Ralph Nader has just joined the movement and is currently working on a book entitled Karaoke: Unsafe at any Pitch. Negotiations for Al Gore to join the movement have been progressing slowly, but he has recently completed a PowerPoint presentation about the dangers of too much karaoke. Unfortunately, none of these efforts seems to be denting the popularity of karaoke or its cousin Rock Band.

As of now, however, the naysayers will not have a leg to stand on. A Malaysian man who spent too much time doing karaoke recently died, finally making it official that karaoke is dangerous. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are not teetotalers and we do not recommend complete abstinence from karaoke and Rock Band, but we do recommend moderation in all things.

Shooting the Moon

Those familiar with the game of hearts will understand the basic strategy: you want to end the round with the lowest number of points possible. In this game, the longer you can fly under the radar (by not collecting undesirable cards), the more likely your eventual success. The most powerful cards are those which are worthless.

Yet there is a trick to this game. If you collect all of the damaging point-collectors, then you "shoot the moon" and all of those points (26) are added to every other player's scores while you add none to your own. If you try to shoot the moon, you are playing a risky game. One card in the wrong hands could land you with 25 points and your opponents with virtually none. 

When playing hearts, you need to diligently watch so that other players do not shoot the moon, saddling you with the extra 26 points. The trick is that you may be so preoccupied with getting rid of your cards that you don't notice where they're going.

We at the GNU Public Dictatorship understand that the principles of Hearts also apply to leadership. We have been flying under the radar for years, enabling us to formalize our government style and build a large base of supporters. Our seeming harmlessness is our greatest tool for eventual world domination. If we were to attract too much attention too soon, you can imagine there would be more than The Company for us to deal with (and they cause us enough headaches for now).

However, we also understand that the seemingly preposterous foibles of current governments should never be laughed off. Like the game of Hearts, enough foibles may enable them to "shoot the moon" by innocently collecting all the cards they need. We at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not vigilent and serious about monitoring the current political situation so that we cannot be taken by surprise. If we stumble, remember that we are playing a larger game than you might see. We may be collecting cards of our own for our eventual victory.

What's your SQ?

Have you ever been frustrated with the sheer lunacy of other drivers on the freeway? At the GNU Public Dictatorship we've been working a solution. We're not naive enough to suppose that it will solve all of the problems, but it is certainly a step in the right direction.

Our solution builds on the idea of metering, but takes it a step further. In metering, traffic entering the freeway via an on ramp is artificially choked at the on ramp to prevent backups on the highway itself. This "choking" is generally accomplished by means of a light which allows vehicles to enter the freeway at predefined intervals. Rather than choking based on time our system will choke the flow based on the driver's Stupidity Quotient (SQ). A central database of SQ scores and drivers' licenses will be maintained, and drivers' licenses will have embedded RFID chips. Gates at on ramps will open only for RFIDs associated with drivers with low enough SQ scores.

We believe our system will work better than metering as it controls the quality of the traffic as opposed to the quantity of the traffic. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to improving your lives!

The sky is smiling, and so are we

We would like to thank all of you who were kind enough to write in thanking us for making the sky smile this week. For those that missed it, here's a collection of pictures. We are flattered that you all gave us credit for the celestial emoticon, but we have to admit that we are not completely responsible as we cannot claim to be in complete control of the weather just yet.

Enough Besmirching

There are a number of groups out there that will do just about anything to besmirch our name. Most recently it was the Matchams Leisure Park in the United Kingdom. They advertised themselves as a great theme park but did not deliver. Patrons were rather upset at the exorbitant prices they had to pay for admission and at the terrible living conditions of the animals. The Organizer of the Matchams Leisure Park said, rather cryptically, "What is not here that we haven't advertised?"

We have found ties between the amusement park and the Brad Guys, but we don't want to jeopardize our operatives by telling you any more. We believe that they have created a fake amusement park to try to convince people not to visit the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, Texas. We hate to break it to them, but attendance has not dipped yet at the park, and RideTorrent use has exceeded our own expectations. Once again, the Company has failed. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for your support!

The Lenovo Initiative

Recently Lenovo announced that they will allow their laptops to be "locked down" by means of a text message sent to them. Presumably this feature has been added to prevent stolen laptops from yielding the owners' personal information, but we know better. Our operatives tell us that Lenovo has been conducting experiments with this technology for some time, and that the true intent is to allow Lenovo to cause "random hardware failures" on its hardware by sending out text messages (obviously right after the expiration of the warranty) that tell different components of the computer to shut themselves down until Lenovo tells them to wake up.

While we disagree with the decidedly monetary motives for this kind of technology, we have been working with the US government to include such technology on the military equipment they sell overseas. It would allow them to generate more revenue through a subscription model and everyone knows that more defense funding is always good.

Surprisingly, though, the military has expressed concerns about the "security weaknesses" of this model. They seem to fear that some rogue individual or group of future dictators with a cell phone could shut down the entire US Army. Oh, well, maybe someday.

A happy end to a nail-biting standoff

For about 90 minutes last Friday the world watched with bated breath at a standoff in a bank in New Jersey, only to find that the "perpetrator" was a cardboard cutout of a man.

Incidentally, this incident is a good metaphor for the current state of society. Our current governments are constantly telling us to "look this way!" or "look over there!" so that they can keep our attention fixed on something unimportant rather than the things that are happening that really matter. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sincere, and we promise never to misdirect your attention to cover up our own acts.

The Immigration Battle

It has been all over the news lately that company after company is being raided for hiring undocumented workers. Well, now it turns out that even Google is hiring undocumented functions. The problem is real, so what do we do about it?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we suggest that the solution is to cut the Gordian knot altogether instead of spending exorbitant amounts of time and energy untying the complexities of immigration law. Rather than fret about who can and who can't work, under the GPD no worker will be undocumented. We will keep track of each and every one of you, which will allow corporations to hire without worrying about the documented status of workers. It will also allow us to serve your needs better, much like the little key chain cards allow supermarkets to serve you better. With everyone documented, the problem disappears into a puff of smoke (It's times like these I wish I knew how to do foley with a blog entry...I'd pick that wonderful poof sound from The Sword in the Stone and put it here). At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not resourceful!