A new threat?

It seems that medieval weapons are turning up more and more in the news these days, even in "quiet" places like the US state of Utah. A quick search of the Deseret News archives revealed the following incidents:

• Two men attack a teenager with a battle ax. In this case the perpetrators were found to be members of the colorful Juggalos.
• Dec. 11: A man attacked his estranged wife with a samurai sword. (or was he charged with attacked her? I love it when newspapers don't edit themselves properly)
• Nov. 30: A man attacked another man with a meat cleaver. I know what you're saying, a meat cleaver is hardly a medieval weapon. Those familiar with Ultima VI, however, will recognize that the meat cleaver was a very fun, if not so powerful, weapon. Ultima VI is clearly a medieval game, so clearly a meat cleaver qualifies as a medieval weapon.
• Nov. 24: A samurai-sword-wielding man is shot and killed by guards at a Scientology building in Hollywood.
  
• Nov. 18: Another meat cleaver attack.

I could post many other incidents, but these will do for now. It is clear that the Company is increasing its efforts to undermine our society, and that the faithful brad is no longer their sole weapon of choice. It appears that a small group of discontent Brad Guys have been extending the perfidious perforation of brads to new lengths. All of these tools are designed to puncture or perforate other materials (including people). This disturbing trend is apparently gaining momentum, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to your safety!

We are implementing a series of increased security practices around GPD offices and ask our supporters everywhere to be on the lookout for ruffians wielding medieval weapons. Rest assured that our operatives are working concertedly to identify and mitigate this apparent threat before it affects the lives of our supporters.