Excellent News!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are all pretty excited today! We have just been informed by our agents that our raid on the Company was successful, and that we were able to capture "Fred" (their No. 2 man) and a number of assorted spies and operatives!

None of this would have been possible if it weren't for the application for membership in the Board of Dictators submitted by one Franklin "Fred" Duncan. When we saw "Fred" in quotes like that our suspicions were immediately raised, and we looked more closely and confirmed our suspicions. (Don't worry, at the end of this post we'll post some choice excerpts from his application)

What was perhaps most surprising of all was that Franklin (or "Fred" as we like to call him) used real contact information. It was his Sleep Number and his Blockbuster Account Number that clinched it for us, but he also listed real references (some of them spies for the Company), and when we had one of our assistants call him at his contact number and ask him about brads we knew we had our man.

We had a special board meeting to discuss Franklin's application, and after a good deal of brainstorming, debate, and digging, we came to the conclusion that our previous efforts must have destabilized the Company so much that they felt their only chance to survive would be to have their No. 2 man "defect" to the Board of Dictators so he could work from the inside. We applaud their planning and their valor, but we would like you all to know that such schemes will not work. A Board of Dictators is by design much harder to infiltrate than a standard Dictatorship.

We would like to thank all those who made this victory possible, and exhort all of you to watch how the Company responds to this crushing blow over the next weeks and months.




As promised, here are a few excerpts from his application:

About his accomplishments and honors:

As for recent triumphs, it was my planning and execution that resulted in the death by poisoning of Henry Ralston and the near death of another of my enemies. They were completely unaware of the fact that the restaurant they were eating at had been compromised. I was also able to intimidate one of my detractors by infecting her children with an obnoxious virus with flu-like symptoms. I caused another rebel to need several stitches on his head. My contributions have been key to the success of my current organization, and I intend to use my keen intellect and impressive network of friends and resources to affect your organization as well.

From Essay Topic A (What's wrong with the status quo):

However, as I keep saying, the primary problem with the way things are is that I don't have enough power. If I were given the opportunity to rule, say, Australia, I would be able to prove to the world that they could trust me to run their affairs.

From Essay Topic C (Why are you essential to our success):

I would bring to the Board of Dictators a unique perspective. My years of work in another organization which shall not be named here have provided me with an incredible wealth of information that the GNU Public Dictatorship would find valuable. Also, given the chance, I would show you, the members of the Board, what a dictator really is. I would lead you to new heights, as long as you are willing to follow me there. My glorious presence would redefine the GNU Public Dictatorship and would allow it to make peace with certain troublesome office products.