The new smartphone

People may try to tell you that this incident was a "mistake" on the part of the perpetrator, but we would like to inform you that our self-aware smart phone technology is continuing to advance at an unbelievable pace.

Dr. Nick Riviera has been working on self-aware phones since the heyday of artificial intelligence in the 70's. It was remarkably hard to make a 1970's phone self-aware, but Nick was able to make a phone decide to play different rings based on its "mood," where mood was a pseudo-random function of time. As phone technology has advanced, Nick was able to make more advances of his own. In the early 1980's he got his first wireless self-aware phone running. It was able to connect to the base station of its choice based on what it perceived to be most interesting, and it learned over time. Cell phones initially provided him a great challenge, but the challenge later became a great opportunity as they became more and more powerful. Now that phones have GPS sensors and real operating systems, adding the self-awareness is much easier. Nick's phones have been distributed along with the regular factory "smart phones" (not-so-smart phones if you ask Nick). According to figures released by the American Standard Institute for New Ideas and New Environments (ASININE) Dr. Nick's smart phones make up 32.9% of the smart phone market. The phone in the article was one of Nick's early models. It sized up the situation, then took a picture of the perpetrator in order to help its owner. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proud to be a part of the smartphone revolution!

The Horror!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not horrified by the collapse of the parking garage in Atlanta. We know that the police are reluctant to release any information that implicates the Parent Corporation, but thanks to "Viktor" we have in our files proof that "Edgar" himself has been planning this for several years. They have been testing their hole punches for concrete there for years without reinforcing the structure of the garage. This cavalier attitude toward property and human life shows why it is so dangerous to become involved with them.

The Conference

We kicked off our health care conference last night with a bang in SoDo (South Downtown) in Seattle, WA. We were pleased with the attendance, and if the opening night speakers were any indication, we'll have an awesome conference.

An attempt to summarize what was said would prove fruitless, so we'll just touch on a few of the points here. The primary problem our speakers have identified with the current system is that instead of being motivated by an altruistic ideal of universal health, current health care systems are motivated by profit. In fact, because of this, the very entities that claim to be providing our health care have as their primary motivation keeping costs down, not keeping us healthy. The second problem identified was that the system itself is opaque and its workings are not decipherable by the average consumer.

The solution proposed (and which will be discussed in great detail during the rest of the conference) is an Open Health Care system, designed loosely around the Open Source Software movement. We'll keep you updated on new proposals, but the loose framework involves empowering individuals to provide health care for each other, not for profit, but for the love of health care. By empowering individuals to provide health care we can avoid the problems associated with large insurance corporations only caring about their bottom lines, and we can create transparency that is unprecedented. Rather than trusting that Johns Hopkins or Cornell or the University of Weehawken has correctly evaluated a doctor we will be able to review his record online. The details are far from resolved, but we think this conference has already justified itself!

The Psychological Impact

Those of us trained in scientific disciplines often find it baffling why people respond the way they do. For example, take the case of this airplane. A jammed door to the hold meant the luggage could be only loaded in the front of the plane, so to compensate for the weight the crew asked the passengers if they wouldn't mind sitting in the back of the plane to offset this weight. From an objective perspective this makes perfect sense as it would allow a plane with a minor problem to fly normally and without incident.

Unfortunately, the crew forgot to think about the psychological impact of suggesting that the places people sat on the airplane would make a difference in the safety of their flight. It seems that people don't like to be conveyed in a vehicle that depends on them or their actions. While we know it won't help in the current situation, we would like to suggest that the crew could have done something else, like perhaps:

• Only sold tickets for the rear of the plane. Of course, this implies that they knew about the hold door failure beforehand, which may not be accurate.
• Suggested that somewhere in the back of the plane there was a large sum of money. Of course, if they did this they would have to make it a whisper campaign so as not to arouse suspicion.
• Cordoned off the front of the plane with caution tape and put up a sign saying "Pardon our Dust". Then people would just assume it was being remodeled and not worry about it.
• Put notices on the front seats stating that they are under quarantine for "swine flu" or some other undesirable disease. People would definitely not sit there.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not aware of the psychological impact our choices have on people, and we hope others will follow our lead!

A Conference

We are in the final preparations for a conference on Health Care Reform to be held next week in the US state of Washington. We have invited consumers of health care and providers of health care to participate, so we anticipate some great results. If you would like to be invited, please submit form PPDT-114B (Request for Invitation to Conference or Other Gathering) to your local GPD County Office as soon as possible. Check back next week for more details!

Intimidation

We've seen our share of despicable intimidation tactics, but this one takes the cake. Not the Duncan Hines cake made from a mix, but the real, made-from-scratch expensive and delicious cake you might find at an upscale bakery. We had to wait until Daniel's research was done to reveal this, but the owner of the car was considering working for us as an informant. While he was able to slip us some information, for his family's sake he tried to distance himself from Daniel's investigation.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to declare that the tactics used by the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch are completely irresponsible and unacceptable, and that we will make it our mission to punish those responsible for such crimes.

A Followup

Daniel's post about baby piracy has prompted a flurry of responses, ranging from indifference ("Why should it matter if they're making illicit copies of babies?") to panic ("We're all doomed!").
We thought it would be wise to clarify a few of the points most people have been asking about so that our supporters can return to a mostly-normal-but-slightly-more-vigilant lifestyle. We'll start with questions asked by the indifferent and move on to questions asked by the panicky.

Q. If the original baby isn't harmed or stolen, why is baby piracy wrong?
A. Even though the creators of the baby still have the baby and no harm has befallen it, they are missing out on all of the royalties and other benefits of having created a work of art. Just because it doesn't take their original away doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them financially. Think of all the lost royalties! This is their livelihood we're talking about.

Q. What about people who either don't have the talent to make a good baby or don't want to invest the creative energy? Why shouldn't they be able to get a baby of their own?
A. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not compassionate, and we feel bad for such individuals. At the same time, however, we believe a respectable baby trade that can be regulated by the appropriate people would serve their needs much better, and would allow the creators of the babies control over the distribution of their baby.

Q. I'm a poor college (or high school) student, and I can't afford to make a baby. Why shouldn't I be able to borrow someone else's?
A. This is a tough one. While we sympathize with those who don't have the money to make their own baby legitimately, we firmly believe that the copyright holders should be able to decide the fate of their baby's DNA. We are researching the feasibility of creating an agency designed to help poor people get designer babies, so bear with us until we get that going.

Q. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?
A. Quite possibly, but their is no reason to panic. Babies have been traded on the black market for thousands of years. All that has changed is the technology that makes it easier, cheaper, and less invasive. If left unchecked, this technology will destroy the world by 2080, but most of us living now will be old and decrepit by then and we won't care.

Q. Should I start stockpiling staples in preparation for the destruction of society?
A. While we have always advocated the responsible storage of "clean" office products such as staples, we do not believe that you should go clean out your local office products stores. To do so would only further exacerbate the situation with little noticeable benefit to you or others.

We hope this exercise has helped you better understand the problems of infant piracy and the actions you should take. We urge all responsible citizens to expose any of their neighbors found pirating babies at their earliest convenience.

A.

Piracy of the Most Horrendous Variety

After serious research and investigation, I am ready to divulge information pertaining to a dastardly plot. As well as vigorous online research, I have done on scene investigations at a myriad of hospitals and clinics. My thorough investigations have revealed a devious and nefarious plot the likes of which would chill the heart of the most hardened individual. The masterminds behind this terrible plot have yet to be officially identified, but we have reason to suspect that it is being spearheaded by the Parent Corporation.

Although the details of this plot are somewhat horrific, I believe that it will benefit even the faint of heart to listen. One day while sitting in a hospital waiting room I overheard a strange conversation. This conversation would not have been suspicious except that I had heard the exact same conversation four times since entering the waiting room. I knew something must be up. After hearing this conversation so many times, I could repeat the whole thing by heart. I decided it was time to talk to the receptionist and find out where these people were going. (because they were definitely getting to a doctor faster than I was!) I have omitted some of the more graphic details but our conversation went something like this:

Receptionist: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to see Dr. _______
Receptionist: Oh, what is your appointment for today?
Me: I'm here to find out about the status of our pregnancy test.
Receptionist: Oh, has it been two weeks already?
Me: It flew by.
Receptionist: Here let me take you back and the Doctor will see you momentarily.

I won't attempt to explain fully what took place, but I will say there was no doctor. As the receptionist closed the door, the bed folded into the floor revealing a staircase below. I followed the stairs into another sort of office. I could immediately sense that it was a criminal operation. The man at the receiving desk handed me a brochure. I could not believe my eyes; they were selling pirated babies! How do you pirate a baby you may ask -- you get a hold of DNA and make an illicit copy of course. It appears that there is a vast underground network which steals the DNA of newborn children. What better place to get this DNA than to place operatives posing as nurses in the delivery room? They steal the DNA and no one even realizes that it is happening.

It is imperative that I caution you all to be extremely careful so that you will not be a victim of this baby piracy. Here at the GNU Public Dictatorship the only kind of piracy we endorse is the old-time piracy that helps to prevent global warming. (Thanks Jack. We owe you one. You too Will.) Any individual found participating in baby piracy will be mocked and be bruised in the sternum as punishment.

A meteorite? We think not.

While the mainstream media has bought the "scientific" explanation of this incident in which a boy was hit by a pea-sized thing falling from the sky, we do not. Isn't it convenient that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch happened to be having a convention just 60 km away? Isn't it convenient that there have been many rumors of the Parent Corporation developing better pea-shooters? We don't want to cause a panic, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled at the mainstream media's lack of concern for the truth!

Unfortunate

One of the unfortunate aspects of living in a litigious society is that you can be punished for acts deemed "irresponsible" even though your intent was good. Take this incident, where the "perpetrator" was charged with larceny, when all he was trying to do was help the barrel monster find its mother. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to judging people based on their intent as well as their actions.

Next time you hear thunder...

Next time you hear thunder on a sunny day, look around for hummingbirds. As this article points out, if you adjust a hummingbird's speed based on the ratio of its length to the length of a jet, the hummingbird goes faster:

"When measured relative to the length of their bodies, the birds' top speed, [Christopher Clark] said, was 'greater than [that] of a fighter jet with its afterburners on, or the space shuttle during atmospheric re-entry'.

That sonic boom you hear may just be a hummingbird trying to find its mate!

Incidentally, if you adjust my walking speed (approximated at 4 mph) by my length while walking (approximated at 12 inches), I'm faster than the Boeing 747-100 (231 feet, 10 inches long, cruising speed of 555 mph). My adjusted walking speed would be 12/((231*12)+10) * 4mph = 927 1/3 mph. Wow! I just broke the sound barrier, too!

Whispers of Something Diabolical

There have been a number of indicators as of late that the Parent Corporation is engaging in something unprecedentedly diabolical. Daniel has been leading the investigations and will be ready to report on his findings soon, but I'll share some of the information we have been studying.

The first indicator is this family's unfortunate experience. The media may say it was an honest mistake, but it appears to be a first stab at some sort of insidious identity piracy, perhaps in a test market. To say more now would be to begin speculation, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to speculation.

The next indicator is the recent spate of phone-in vandals. While we initially thought it was a few individuals acting on their own we now have reason to believe that it may be the culmination of a long-running experiment aimed at creating more than one copy of a person and then using a copy at a propitious moment to wreak havoc on the world.

There are more indicators, including rising barometric pressure in certain pockets of the world, increased PM10 levels in certain cities, and other anomalies that can't be explained any other way. We expect Daniel to finish his research soon and post more information, but until then we ask that you increase your awareness level to cyan with puce stripes.

The Picnic

For as long as I can remember I have been taking one of my posts in the northern hemisphere's early summer to talk about the Company's plans for summer picnics around the world. Well, this year I can safely say that there will be no Company picnics near your neighborhood. The demise of the Company early this year has left a bit of a void for summer brad events, for which we feel both elation and a touch of sadness. It was fun to try to crash their parties (with appropriate protective gear, of course) and destroy their stashes of brads without injuring any innocent bystanders. The easy part, of course, is that only small children can really be called "innocent" bystanders, so we didn't have to work so hard on that. Anyway, as I was saying, this year there will be no Company picnics, and our operatives have not been able to glean any reliable information relating to Parent Corporation picnics this summer. The best information we have suggests that the Parent Corporation prefers reward getaways to picnics as then only the high-performing employees are rewarded, but we are not prepared to state unequivocally that there will be no picnics. It is also possible, however, that the Parent Corporation prefers to have its picnics in the southern hemisphere's summer, so we'll be keeping an eye on that for you. As a consequence of this uncertainty we are asking each of you to be even more vigilant than usual and ensure that you and your family don't unwittingly walk into one of their events. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping you have an enjoyable summer!

Pranks

A couple of recent phone-in vandalism incidents in Arkansas and New Mexico have convinced us that it is time to speak out against pranks that go too far. Don't get us wrong, we appreciate good pranks as much as the next board of dictators, but we feel the need to speak out against destructive pranks such as these. We ask our supporters to refrain from such activity that is clearly unbecoming of a world citizen.

On a side note, we thought it might be helpful to present some tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of phone-in vandalism. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, so here we go:

• People on the telephone are not required to state who they really are. They might say that they have the authority to ask you to do something, but you are not required to take their word for it.
  
• If you are asked to activate or test a fire alarm or sprinkler system by someone unknown to you, respond by asking him or her to do it. If he or she is unwilling to do it, chances are it was a prank. If you get fired for insubordination, file form DDE-4409A (Request for Reparations) at your local GPD county office.
• Don't do anything for someone on the phone that you would hesitate to do were that person in the room with you.
  
• Recognize that chances are very slim that a desk clerk or some other customer-facing employee would actually be called upon by the corporate big-wigs to perform maintenance or testing on the fire suppression system. I doubt that was in the job description.
• Use good judgment.

As always, we hope this has been helpful.

"Edgar"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the end of the Reign of Evil of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, which is why we continue to work hard for you. It doesn't matter to us that we receive very little glory for our accomplishments; we're just happy to be of service to the world. Recently our star operative "Viktor" has dug up some new information about the leadership of this vile organization, the man who goes by "Edgar." Under normal circumstances we keep the information we discover about our enemies a secret, so that they don't know how much we know about them. They, in turn, try to keep what they know about us a secret, but since we are, after all, an open government there is very little that they shouldn't know about us unless they are just being ignorant. Either way, we play this "I don't know what you're up to" game so that the other side will get cocky and make a mistake. But all of this is beside the point as we have decided to make this information public.

As it turns out the "Edgar" we know is not the real leader of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but a man employed by them to be a figurehead. He gives their speeches and attends all of their events, but he is not a key policy maker. Our intelligence (which we assure you is reliable) tells us that the real leader of the UBHP (at least the one who makes the real decisions) was in a freak workplace accident many years ago and the perforation equipment severed both his pinkies. For fear of anti-pinkilessness he has remained hidden for many years and employed an actor to be his public face. We would like to extend our condolences to the real leader of the UBHP (who also goes by "Edgar") and invite him to stop trying to corrupt our children with evil office products. If he does so, we will, without preconditions, negotiate with him about his role in the new future.

Q&A: Anti-pinkilessness

Our post of yesterday prompted a flurry of questions from supporters about the minutiae of the GNU Public Dictatorship's official position on anti-pinkilessness, so we thought we would take a moment to answer some of your questions.

Q. What constitutes "anti-pinkilessness?"
A. Anti-pinkilessness is discrimination against those without pinky fingers or without full pinky fingers. It generally takes the form of preventing them from mingling with the pinkied population, but can also take the form of verbal taunts or other abuse.

Q. What does the GPD think of the lawsuit mentioned in the previous post?
A. The GPD is opposed to frivolous lawsuits and cited the article only because it demonstrates the rampant nature of anti-pinkilessness, not because we think mothers should be sued.

Q. What is the GPD's official position on anti-pinkilessness?
A. The GPD is against discrimination in all of its forms and will use its influence to make sure that those who are guilty of anti-pinkilessness will not be welcome in civilized society.

Q. Isn't that discrimination against the anti-pinkiless?
A. The GPD does not engage in anti-anti-pinkilessness, nor is it guilty of discrimination. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair to all people, regardless of their gender, age, nationality, ethnic background, or pinky status. We do, however, reserve the right to outlaw destructive behaviors such as anti-pinkilessness, improper naming of babies, and so forth, subject to our indulgences policy which is still being finalized.

Q. Aren't their bigger issues that deserve your attention? What about the global economic troubles? What about North Korea?
A. There are bigger issues out there, but at the GPD we believe that the big issues are outgrowths of the little issues. If we solve the anti-pinkilessness problem, the North Koreans will likely abandon their nuclear ambitions, and the investors will have renewed confidence in the market.

Q. What happened to the outsourced FAQ?
A. Eliza was on vacation, so we did it ourselves this time.

We must stop this oppression!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by inequalities and oppression, which is why when we heard of the great lengths John P. Garrity went to to get compensation for the loss of his pinky finger we decided it was time for the GPD to crack down on anti-pinkiless sentiment around the world. The problem is not a new one. People without pinky fingers have been shunned for milennia. The earliest known record of pinkiless discrimination is recorded in the Greek tragedy Heracleidae, but there are countless incidents ancient and modern where the fully-fingered have maligned those unfortunate enough to have no pinky finger or a partial pinky finger. One wouldn't think that such a small finger would matter, but for some reason people have often heaped ridicule on those who don't possess it. Even the Beatles' movie Help! has jokes about how Ringo wouldn't miss his pinky since he doesn't use it.

Regardless of the reasons people persecute the pinkiless, we believe them to be wrong, and are hereby issuing a decree that anyone found acting on anti-pinkiless sentiment will be held accountable.

A Nice Development

When we reported on Johann's sad story we had very little hope that Georg and his club would be brought to justice, but we are pleased to announce that the police after reading our report on Johann's experience took upon them the initiative to inspect all scrapbooking clubs in Geneva. The Swiss pride themselves on being safe, and they have some of the toughest brad control laws ever created. In their raids they found one club to be "purveying brads without a license" and closed the club down. Its owner now faces several counts of brad crime and could face a stiff fine and a lengthy jail term. Johann confirmed to us that the club that was raided was the club where he was introduced to brads, so we're pleased that Johann's experience wasn't in vain. Not only did we get to use his experience as a warning to our other supporters, but we closed down the club where he was tainted. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with progress, however incremental!

Beware the Brad Guys!

Just because the Company has collapsed and the Parent Corporation has stopped pushing brads as diligently as they had been doesn't mean we don't have to be vigilant. Last week in Switzerland a group of travelers was stopped by the misuse of brads, but we should talk about the events leading up to this unfortunate incident.

It all started several weeks ago when Johann (not his real name) made a new friend while staying at a small hostel in Geneva. They got on quite well and after a few nights of drinking at the local watering hole Johann was invited by Georg (again, not his real name) to come to his club the next evening. Johann told us that he started feeling uncomfortable when he entered the club adorned with ancient office products, but he dismissed his fear as irrational. Several days later he was invited to scrapbook with the club. He was hesitant, but decided he would go. He didn't see a single brad or hole punch, and so he consented to come again in a few days. Over the course of a few weeks they introduced brads so slowly that he barely even noticed they were there, and by the end of his stint there he had actually used brads himself, though he was ashamed when he admitted this to us. At some point he realized that his life was spiraling out of control and that he had to get out of there, so he got into his car and started to drive to Bonn. His course took him past Georg's place, so Johann stopped in to say goodbye. It was at this time that the nefarious Brad Guys took the opportunity to replace his spare lug nuts with oversize brads.

Johann and his friends were driving on the motorway when they decided to take his winter tires off and put his summer tires on, and they did so. It is a sign of how far gone Johann was that he didn't notice that the lug nuts were really brads, and it was a stroke of luck that when the tires fell off his vehicle that nobody was injured.

Johann was picked up by the local police and asked to be taken to the local GPD office. There he talked to Count Wilhelm and told his sad tale. Johann is in a rehabilitation center now trying to overcome his addiction to brads, but the outlook is hopeful. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping you safe, and we urge you to be always on the lookout!

A Tricky Business Venture

Informed World Citizens agree that the Parent Corporation is loathsome, but the daily onslaught of evil sometimes overwhelms us to the point that we can't make ourselves believe it, and we begin treating them as if they didn't really exist. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, and we admonish you to not fall into this trap.

A case in point, yesterday evening my home was approached by an apparently run-of-the-mill instrument of evil, a door-to-door salesman. Our long-running policy about negotiating with evil prevented us from opening the door, but as he left he left a pamphlet on our door. Curious, I read the flier. This is what it said:

Tired of Door-to-Door Salesman?
Visit
www.[domainnamewithheld].com
And Get a "No Soliciting" Sign!
Or call [namewithheld] at [numberwithheld]
Many styles to choose from.

Of all the things he could be selling, he was purveying "No Soliciting" signs. We have warned our supporters before that the Parent Corporation is vile and tricky, but not even we expected this level of treachery. Who would have thought they would be so bold as to try to convince people by going door-to-door that they are against people who go door-to-door?

Dedication

Since we established the GNU Public Dictatorship Rewards Program we have repeatedly been impressed by the tales of dedication to the Cause that are reported. As is to be expected, most of them are severely embellished, but sometimes you find a gem. And sometimes you find a gem through the traditional media. James Coleman, of Bristol, England, is such a gem. He was the Leader of the Bristol GPD Chapter until recently when he resigned citing the fact that the administrative duties of the GPD Chapter were interfering with his personal crusade with the Company. We had always been pleased with his work, and so we accepted his resignation. Since the demise of the Company he has been working tirelessly to counteract the evil Parent Corporation, and his efforts have prevented them from gaining a foothold anywhere near Bristol. In fact, Bristol was recently named the City With the Fewest Brads(CWFB) by the International Office Products Association (IPOA). The astute among our supporters will be thinking to themselves, "Hey, the IPOA is merely a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation." They would be correct, which lends the CFWB award much more credibility. If your enemies fear you, you have done well. Anyway, it seems that James was using his Blackberry to evangelize about the GPD to his friends when the Parent Corporation planted a large tree in his path. Although he is now being ridiculed as "the guy who ran into a tree while tweeting" he maintains his dignified and diligent struggle against the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not impressed with such efforts, which is why James Coleman of Bristol is our newest Hero of the People! Congratulations, James.

A Public Apology

From time to time we at the GNU Public Dictatorship do things that others might term as "mistakes," but we can assure you that all we do is part of the bigger plan we have for the world. Even if the reasons may not be apparent to you, our loyal supporters, rest assured that we have things under control. Even so, we still do things that others find offensive and find ourselves in a position to apologize for our actions. We have been called weak for our willingness to apologize, but we don't see the need to alienate others even though we know we are in the right. Case in point, our experiment in gambling Feng Shui last April. We learned a great deal from the experiment, and we are still conducting similar experiments, but a main (surnamed Yuan) caught in the middle of this experiment has become very upset. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not polite, so we would like to take this time to apologize to this man and assure him that we have the best interests of society in mind.

Indulgences for Common Misdeeds

As most of you now know, I have been working on our relations with the US state of Idaho. Among the items that have been discussed in order to improve our standing with the Idahoan people, especially the two new rural counties of the GPD, is the introduction of a new provision for parents to be able to name their children as they please. The fruits of our negotiations will be called 'Indulgences'. Our reasons for this name should be made clear from this article.

These 'indulgences' will allow citizens to be absolved of the punishments associated with minor misdeeds as defined by the GPD. For example, although it would be ideal for all citizens to follow proper naming practices, we understand that for some this is too much to ask. Therefore, we will allow such persons to attain permission (by payment) to name their children improperly. We may even be benevolent enough to allow those who have already named their children improperly the chance to repent (for an added fee) and return to good standing. We do not wish to encourage the idea that citizens do not need to follow the directions of the GPD. We believe that those who are truly dedicated will not use such indulgences. We believe that as we reach toward our ideal these indulgences will not be necessary.

Another simple tip for propaganda: Use conflicting headlines to attract people with different points of view

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping you become the best you can be, which is why we created the propaganda tips series. Today's tip is a classic, best used when the writer owns or has access to multiple publications. The underlying idea is that people will read a story that appears to agree with their point of view more readily than one that appears to express a contrary viewpoint. Your advantage as a propagandist comes from the fact that issues are rarely as cut and dried as people would like them to be, which allows multiple headlines to be put on the same information without seeming inconsistent to the average reader.

Take this fine example. Today in the Salt Lake Tribune these two articles (with substantially the same content) were both listed in the national news section: GOP senators OK with shrill criticism of Sotomayor, and GOP senators sidestep harsh criticism of Sotomayor. Both articles come to the same conclusions and present analysis of the same interviews with GOP senators, but the headlines are starkly different.

As mentioned above this technique works best when using multiple publications, but even in this case the effect is to gather more readers as some will agree with one headline and others with the other.

We would like to thank Count Espinoza and our other GPD County officers in the Salt Lake City GPD County for pointing out this exceptional use of propaganda. Thanks!