The Nobel Peace Prize

Many of our supporters were very disappointed when they heard that the Norwegian Nobel Committee chose the European Union over the GNU Public Dictatorship for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize.  After all, what has the European Union done to stop the blight of addictive and evil office products that has been forced upon the world by the uncaring and vindictive New Company?  What have they done to keep gas prices down or up, depending on our current needs?  What have they done to destroy our current financial system so we can replace it with a new, more glorious one?  Okay, so maybe they have contributed to the market collapse we have been seeing of late, and maybe they have tried to keep European countries from waging war against each other, and maybe they have promoted human rights, but we have been doing much more for world citizens.  We have tried to suppress violence all around the world, not just in Europe.  We have promoted equal rights for all, not just for humans.  We have destroyed the Company and the evil Parent Corporation, and rendered the Brad Guys and Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch irrelevant to the daily lives of most world citizens, and we are engaged in an epic struggle to defeat the evil New Company.  In this fight, however, we have not used any conventional weapons and no collateral damage has been sustained due to our interference.  If anyone deserves the peace prize, it is us.  We have been expecting it for several years now, but we are willing to wait.  What angers us is what we just found out: the committee had been considering us, but thanks to the intervention of several operatives of the New Company (and one from "Edgar") they did not put us on the official ballot.  We generally don't send our operatives to meetings of the Nobel Committee, but perhaps we should in the future!

Electric Underwear and You

Many of our readers have been following the developments in the UK's NHS experiment with electric underwear, and have been asking us many questions.  While we did not develop the electric underwear the NHS is using, we have worked with other laboratories to create electric underwear in the past, so we have some expertise there.  We hope this post will be informative and help you understand how electric underwear will affect you in the New Future.

Q.  Who will use electric underwear?
A.  The NHS is using electric underwear to prevent bedsores, which can be painful and dangerous for patients stuck in bed.  Our experiments in electric underwear were related, but focused more on operatives stuck in uncomfortable surveillance positions with no room to move while on duty for days at a time.
Q.  Will the GNU Public Dictatorship encourage or require others to use electric underwear?
A.  Not unless they express an interest in trying it out or if they are deemed to be at risk for bedsores later in life.
Q.  Does using electric underwear before you are bedridden make a difference?
A.  Of course it does.  It zaps you.
Q.  Who will decide who gets electric underwear?
A.  In most cases it will be between the physician and patient or between the operative and his or her superiors, but in some cases the Board of Dictators may be called in to decide whether someone should use them.
Q.  Are they fun to wear?
A.  None of our test subjects elected to keep wearing them after the need for them was gone, so we don't think so.
Q.  Where can I get some?
A.  Contact your local GPD office.

Esperanto

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we accept help from wherever we can get it, even if the help isn't completely aligned with our interests.  We have in the past received much help from the Allies, and now from "Edgar."  It seems that he and "Natasha" were able to introduce a computer virus to "Gertrude" that made her release instructions only in Esperanto.  The number of native Esperanto speakers is approximately a thousand, but we think that the chances of these Esperanto-speaking world citizens being willing to help the New Company is extremely low.  There are more fluent speakers (estimates range up to about 2 million) and there are online translation tools, so we don't think the New Company is hurting too much, but if we can keep them from pursuing their real agenda by making them waste resources on translation from Esperanto we are making progress.  Perhaps we'll have to expand our operation-sharing with "Edgar" in the future!

Flying Zombie Chickens: A New Threat

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to keeping you safe, which is why, when we hear of incidents such as this one, we don't just brush it off as an odd occurrence.  In this incident, part of an uncooked chicken fell from the sky and hit Cassie Bernard on the head while she was riding a horse in the US state of Virginia.  She was wearing a helmet and was uninjured, but immediately different agencies began blaming each other for the incident.  The "normal" law enforcement officers seem to be focusing on a chicken processing plant in the area, but we have had our operatives investigating the case and have found some disturbing information.

The New Company, led by the evil software that is "Gertrude," has been studying the feasibility of zombie chickens for some time, and while we have seen evidence of failed attempts, we have never been close enough to one of their labs while it was operating to see "live" zombie chickens.  "Enrico" recently recovered the files on this experiment, however, and according to their records they have been able to create zombie chickens that live up to an hour before falling apart and resuming their dead state.  The file also suggested future directions in zombie chicken research, including the apparent cause of the incident described in this post: flying zombie chickens.  There were several possible lines of research indicated in the files we recovered, and we're not yet sure which of them apparently led to a short-lived flying zombie chicken, but we do believe the New Company has achieved some success in this area.

We're not sure what the New Company wants to accomplish with its Flying Zombie Chicken army, but we believe the danger to be real.  We ask all of our supporters worldwide to keep their eyes open (and their helmets on) and report any flying zombie chickens to their local GPD County offices!

An Installment Plan

Many of you have asked whether the GNU Public Dictatorship will allow its debtors to repay their debts in installments as many of the principal amounts on the loans are rising rapidly.  Some of you are now asking who our debtors are, and some are wondering where we got our money.  We'll answer the questions in reverse order:

• We got our money the same way other governments got their money: by pretending we have something of value.
• Our debtors are many.  Most of them are banks, energy firms, and non-governmental organizations around the world.  We haven't given them loans so that they will be indebted to us and will have to support us as we usher in the New Future, but that is a nice perk.  We gave them loans so that they would be able to remain influential in the world.
• Yes, the GPD will allow payments in installments for debts over 11 quadrillion Euros, with terms from a few million millennia and up.  Even a low payment of 100,000 Euros/month would only take 10 billion years (assuming that we waive the interest) to pay back!

Some of you are now asking why the GPD is using Euros, and whether we are responsible for the phone bill Solenne San Jose received recently.  Some of you are also asking whether we own Bouygues Telecom.  Again, in reverse order:

• No, we don't own Bouygues Telecom, but if you have any friends who work for them, let us know.  We would be interested in buying it.
• As to whether we are responsible for the phone bill, the answer is complicated.  Solenne did incur the bill herself, but we were responsible for some interesting behavior on the billing computers.  As we have operatives who work with the billing and customer service centers we were able to buy the debt from Bouygues Telecom, and now she is our debtor.
• The GPD doesn't use Euros for all transactions, but it is the currency in France, so we used it in this case.  The GPD's own currency, the dictator unit, has not caught on in many of the world's currency markets as of yet.

We hope this has been informative and useful, and that we have answered your questions!

Dangerous foods and you

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for food, and although most food is good for your body and will enable you to pursue your dreams without fear of exhaustion and emaciation, we are saddened that some foods carry with them great peril.

Many of you wrote in when this incident occurred to ask whether the GPD would change its policy on liquid nitrogen in drinks.  To them we responded that the GPD has always deprecated liquid nitrogen in drinks, to which we got many responses asking what "deprecate" means.  To this response we provided this link.  We are somewhat disappointed that our supporters didn't understand our policy on dangerous foods, but we admit that choosing words such as "deprecate" instead of simpler words like "disapprove of" or "strongly discourage" contributed to the confusion, and we vow to be more careful of advanced vocabulary in the future.  We have always discouraged the handling of products such as liquid nitrogen that could cause serious harm without proper precautions.

Anyway, when some of you wrote in regarding this incident and asked whether the GPD would change its policies on eating live cockroaches,  we realized we had a real problem.  The GPD is very concerned about the welfare of all of our supporters and would never condone the eating of a live supporter by another live supporter.  Once supporters are dead, however, the GPD policy is to let each supporter make his or her own decision.  Many of you submitted "excerpts" from our policy, but when we looked through our policy we couldn't find them.  It seems that some unscrupulous individual (most likely from the New Company, but as we haven't had time to confirm it beyond a shadow of a doubt, we'll just say "some individual") has been circulating inflammatory "excerpts" from our policies in the hopes that you will become angry.  The lack of violent protests shows, however, that our enemies have underestimated us once again.  We would like to thank all of our supporters for not creating a situation, and, for those that will be in the western United States this week, would like to invite you to a party at GNU Public Dungeon D-442.  Contact your local GPD office for more details.

While we are pleased that these incidents have not resulted in violent protests, we would like to remind supporters that the GPD policies on just about any subject are available at your local GPD office, and that we expect you to check your facts before protesting about them, even if it is by e-mail!

A bizarre double life

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not above petty disputes and local politics, but there are times when we feel the need to talk about them, usually, as is the case now, to point out how bizarre and petty they become.  In the US state of Maine, the incumbent State Senator Tom Martin has adopted an interesting strategy to defeat his challenger, Colleen Lachowicz: make fun of her hobbies.  We have posted about the dangerous zero-sum nature of politics before, but this race takes it to a new level.  Rather than attacking Ms. Lachowicz's policies or principles, Mr. Martin has decided to attack her hobbies.  Ms. Lachowicz apparently likes to play the hugely popular on-line video game World of Warcraft, and Mr. Martin has decided that engaging in such a hobby amounts to a "bizarre double life."  We would like to make it clear that we do not support Mr. Martin or Ms. Lachowicz, and as we do not have diplomatic relations with the state of Maine we do not really have an interest in influencing the outcome of the race, but we do find it amusing that the race has degenerated into a question of whether engaging in a hobby that she shares with 12 million other world citizens (that's one in about five hundred world citizens) equals living a bizarre double life.  We wonder whether other common hobbies (such as watching certain television shows) might also be considered living a bizarre double life?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we like the idea of doubling our support without actually doing anything, so if you do have a hobby that could be construed as leading a bizarre double life please let us know, so we can count you double on our list of supporters.  Oh, and if you engage in two hobbies that equal leading a bizarre double life, then we can count you as four supporters (even if three of them are bizarre)!

The state of the New Company

Many of our readers have been asking what is the current state of the New Company, its leadership, and its plans for world domination.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to give an update, even if some of it has been publicly available at our local GPD offices for several weeks.  The New Company has been very secretive about its goals, but we do know quite a bit about them, thanks to operatives such as "Enrico" who have risked their lives to stop their nefarious purposes.  The most salient things we know about the New Company are the following:

Leadership of the New Company

• "Gertrude" is a title, much like the Dread Pirate Roberts, that is used to create some sort of consistency when the real leaders of the New Company retire or meet an untimely demise because they were using themselves as guinea pigs in dangerous experiments.
• There have been at least four leaders of the New Company since they split from the Parent Corporation:
• Rex Farnsworth.  As near as we can tell, he was the initial CEO of the New Company and was killed when his brad-powered rocket car exploded when the brakes were applied.
• Fernando Escobal.  He took over from Rex and retired soon after meeting his revenue goals and being awarded the lifetime achievement award by the American Academy of Office Products.  He now lives in a compound in Barbados surrounded by servants, most of whom are women.  One servant who escaped told us of the barbaric treatment he received at the estate, but that's a story for another day.  It was Fernando who first hired the proxy who pretended to be "Gertrude" until she became too much of a liability.
• The name of the third CEO is still unknown.  He did not last long as CEO as he used himself as a guinea pig in the insidious greban plot and ceased to have higher brain functions.
• The fourth CEO was named Carl, but we haven't found a reliable record of his last name.  He used the last names Robinson, Ivanov, Escovedo, and McNalley, but none of those names seem to be real.  He led the New Company through some of their most secretive times, and it was he who created the computer program that now serves as CEO.  He went to his underground laboratory and locked the door, and as far as we can tell has not emerged.  He may or may not be alive.
• The current leadership of the New Company is a council of executives who rely heavily on the computer program they call "Gertrude" to help them set their goals and track their progress on world domination.  We obtained a portion of the source code of this program, and we fear that it is rewriting its own code.  We don't know where it will end up, but, for now, it isn't plugged into anything directly.  That is, it gives instructions to the council, it doesn't carry them out.

Goals of the New Company

• The New Company is bent on making evil office products more available than ever and on increasing profits.  In order to achieve this goal, they are willing to sacrifice many of their own operatives and work on extremely risky projects.  We have been unable to confirm many of their activities as of late, but with some of the knowledge we have recently gained we should be able to identify their influence more accurately.  If you have a question about a specific event or situation, contact your local GPD office.
• They are intent on destroying the world's economy in order to build a new one based on brads.
• They hope to stifle dissent by using their horrible creations on mankind and on other species.  The Greban experiment was their most widely seen attempt to punish nonconformists, but it is not their only attempt.

Links to other organizations

• As far as we have been able to discover, the New Company has severed all ties with the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and the Parent Corporation.  The Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has approached them and asked to partner with them, and it seems that the RBHP is being tolerated but not promoted.
• "Edgar" is not aligned with the New Company, and the New Company has issued a statement indicating that anyone who eliminates "Edgar" will be rewarded by receiving one voucher that can be redeemed to avoid an experiment that they find objectionable.  There was some doubt as to "Edgar's" relationship with the New Company, but both he and the New Company have gone to great lengths to demonstrate that they are not aligned.
• The New Company has declared that the GPD is their primary competitor for world domination, and they have launched many campaigns targeting us and our supporters.  Our operatives have kept us safe for the most part.

We hope this has been helpful and that you will submit any further questions to your local GPD office.  Rest assured that we are working on ways to thwart the New Company's evil plans, and that we have already thwarted them many times!

Attentiveness

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your well-being, which is why, in the wake of this horrifying incident in which Maria Pestrikoff fell from a cliff in damp conditions while simultaneously walking, texting, and smoking, we are asking all of our supporters to increase their attentiveness by following a few suggestions.  These suggestions, for the curious, have been duly vetted by the Board of Dictators and all of our scientists and behavioral analysts, so you can implement them without fear of being wrong or putting yourself in danger:

• If you live in a location with steep inclines or cliffs, refrain from walking near the edges thereof.
• If you need to or wish to regularly walk near the edge of the cliff, build some sort of barrier that will decrease the likelihood of falling over the edge.
• If you need to or wish to regularly walk near the edge of the cliff, please remain attentive to your surroundings.  Even small distractions can endanger you.
• If you feel the need to disregard the previous suggestions, please focus on one activity at a time.  The human brain does not multitask well, and simple distractions such as texting or smoking can easily make the task of keeping your footing on a treacherous and wet area that much harder.  If Maria had just been walking or just smoking or just texting she would not likely have fallen down the cliff.

We are pleased that Maria lived through her ordeal, and we hope that our supporters can learn from her ordeal to be more attentive to their surroundings!

Threats and attacks

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the progress we are making in keeping the incidence of brad- and hole-punch-related attacks and threats lower than historical averages.  We are not pleased, however, when we see the statistics of some other attacks increasing.  It seems, according to our analysts, that people choosing not to attack their friends or family with brads and hole punches are instead turning to other, more bizarre methods of attack.

The incidence of stick figure attacks, for instance, has never been high enough for law enforcement to take notice, but this year the number of incidents has quadrupled.  While a single year is not enough to be considered a trend, and since the volume of these attacks and threats has been low, the statistical significance of this increase could be debated, but we aren't taking any chances.  Our operatives are being told to be on the lookout for stick figure threats, and we hope we'll be able to keep them from growing any more this year.

Another lesser-known attack is the sandwich attack.  It has been used off and on for decades, but this year the statistics show a bit of a jump.  We don't know yet whether the assailant in this case used a sandwich carefully constructed for the attack, or whether he found himself without a weapon and decided his sandwich would suffice.  The assailant has been extremely uncooperative and demanded roast beef and provolone to make more sandwiches, and we have not been able to find a reliable witness to the events other than the assailant and his wife, the woman he attacked.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to remind our supporters that the only kinds of threats and attacks that we approve of are the ones made against our enemies and against purveyors of evil office products.  We would also like to remind you that you alone do not decide who our enemies are.  If you have a question about a specific individual or organization, please submit it to your local GPD office and we will be glad to inform you whether it is okay to make threats against or attack the person or organization you are considering attacking.

Humans and Non-humans

As we can tell from recent news reports, the relationship between humans and other species is on the mend. Even the fish (who have historically resisted strong ties with humans) are starting to help, as is made clear by this case, where a trout returned a severed finger to its rightful owner.  We commend the trout for his sacrifice, and note that, while Haans Galassi, the human who lost the finger, did not accept the gift, the trout has done his fellow trout a great honor.

All is not bright and sunny, however, as there are still some incidents of violence and some bad feelings.  It appears that some non-humans, angered by their being defined as not being human, have started to form pockets of armed resistance, being armed to the teeth.  In Oregon, a group of hogs decided to rise up and overthrow their farmer, and, as is typical when rage is the primary motivation, they went too far and ate him. While we condemn oppression and inequality wherever it may be, we do not ever condone violence as a solution to such oppression.  Violence breeds more violence, increasing the tensions and inflaming passions on both sides.  The pigs set out to improve their situation, but after they ate their farmer they had nobody with the expertise to run the farm.  It is very reminiscent of a mutiny on a ship where the crew kill the officers and leave themselves drifting on the ocean with insufficient knowledge of navigation or handling of the ship to reach any destination.  This particular tragedy has ended, but we ask all of our supporters to take care not to respond with violence, even when violence is used against them.

The Board of Dictators has been discussing the topic of what to call our supporters that are not human for some time, as we recognize that non-human defines them in an offensive way.  We have not, as yet, found a term that works better, but if you have a suggestion please submit it to your local GPD office at your earliest convenience.  In the meantime, we recommend that you use the species' name when referring to supporters instead of the blanket title "non-human" wherever it makes sense.

Embarrassment: Just another perk of being an operative

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proud of our supporters' efforts to make the world a safer place, and we are nothing if not grateful for the sacrifices made.  While the type of sacrifice itself varies widely, from comfort to life itself, the fact that our supporters feel strongly enough about the New Future to endanger themselves or their reputations is quite encouraging, and lets us know that we are obviously on the right track.

Take this incident, for example.  One of our operatives, who shall here remain nameless, got his head stuck in a trash bin in Aberdeen, and had to be freed by local emergency services.  The man's shame became a public spectacle around the world as news outlets everywhere picked up the story and mocked him for his embarrassing situation.  We were able to keep the details of the situation out of most major news outlets, but now that he is no longer in any danger we are ready to talk about them.

Our operative had been following a rogue cell of Brad Guys for several years, and had been getting very close to dismantling it.  In fact, he had them scared so much that they dropped their stash of brads and brad paraphernalia in the trash bin at the train station in Aberdeen, intending to retrieve it later.  Sensing a chance to crush the cell, our operative, without thinking about the risks to himself, went into the bin to retrieve the stash.  He was successful--the Brad Guys no longer operate in Aberdeen, but at the cost of becoming a laughing stock for the whole world.  We would like to thank him for his selfless sacrifice and remind our supporters and applicants for membership in the Board of Dictators that embarrassment is just one of the risks you accept when you decide to sacrifice yourself for the New Future!

"Edgar" and the New Company

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the New Future, which is why we struggle so much to improve the world in preparation for the Great Day when we declare that we are fully in charge of the world and finally eliminate our opponents by force.  We keep close tabs on our enemies and try our best to thwart their plans, which is why we have our operatives embedded in so many places around the world.  We also work with existing governments and financial institutions to destabilize them so that we can replace them with better versions.  While this kind of work is never glamorous, it is necessary, and our ability to undertake it is increasing all the time.

Interestingly, our former nemesis "Edgar" does not seem to be paying attention to developments at the New Company.  He seems to be completely focused on his own organization.  We have been poring over our intelligence reports for some time now and have come to the conclusion that there are a few possibilities here:

1. "Edgar" already knew about the New Company.  If this is the case, however, we are surprised that in his crusade against evil office products he wouldn't have disclosed all that he knew about them.  Perhaps he and "Natasha" were working on some scheme that will no longer be possible.  Regardless of the reasons, we find it odd that "Edgar" would pass up an opportunity to hurt his enemies.
2. "Edgar" has so few resources at his disposal that he cannot focus on his enemies just yet.  Perhaps this is the most likely situation, but we'll see as his churro sales pick up and his campaign volunteers add to his ability to carry out operations.  His last post did seem to have some threats of increased operations.
3. "Edgar" is really in league with the New Company.  We don't think this one is likely, mostly because there has been no communication between the Parent Corporation and the New Company for some time, and since "Edgar" resigned from the Parent Corporation we have not intercepted any communication to either the Parent Corporation or the New Company from "Edgar."

At this point we believe that "Edgar" is harmless, but we are keeping a close eye on him.  If his loyalties seem to switch or if he starts undertaking missions that hurt our supporters or other world citizens not aligned with the purveyors of evil office products rest assured that we will take appropriate action.

The Allies

Our recent announcement that "Gertrude" was nothing more than a piece of software has caused a severe tightening of security at the New Company, and, unfortunately, one of the operatives of the Allies has been discovered.  He was going by the name "Enrico" at the New Company, and had penetrated to the highest circles of management after being hired while "Viktor" was busy with the human/non-human conflict the Allies had caused for us.  He escaped with his life, but our most senior source of information about the secretive New Company is no longer available.  While we are saddened by the loss of this information, we are excited that we can finally explain what the Allies told us last July.

The Allies had been working for many months to infiltrate the New Company, and had positioned some operatives in key positions.  These operatives are still in place but should be nearly impossible to detect, even with "Enrico" having been compromised.  These operatives had discovered that the position that was being opened and that "Enrico" succeeded in obtaining was really nothing more than a trap for our chief operative "Viktor," and that, much like Prince John tried to lure Robin Hood to his archery tournament, they were trying to get him in a compromising situation where they could kill him (after torturing him).  The Allies responded by trying to keep "Viktor" busy with other missions, but when, due to his unusual efficiency, they were unable to keep him busy, they had to resort to pitting the human and non-human supporters of the GPD against each other and putting "Enrico" up for the position before "Viktor" could interview.  When the New Company saw how efficient "Enrico" was they thought he was "Viktor" (in disguise, of course) and hired him, making it impossible for the real "Viktor" to get hired.  We then made it clear that "Viktor" had not interviewed for the position, but because "Enrico" was so efficient they kept him on staff and suspected nothing.  Now that he has been compromised the Allies have reassigned "Enrico" and we believe that everything will work out for him.

We couldn't explain why the Allies had not really betrayed us until now, and we had to keep up the appearance of intense irritation with them, but we are nothing if not pleased to be finally free to treat them as what they are, our Allies!

Disappointing

Our recent revelation of "Gertrude" as a non-person has not had quite the effect we had hoped on the New Company.  In fact, the leaders of the New Company have pacified most of their employees by telling them that it was necessary and that they would have a full explanation soon.  It's disappointing that people are so willing to believe what they want to believe that they will accept such a flimsy explanation from an entity that is so obviously evil.  Maybe it had more to do with the threats issued by the New Company in a press release following their previous statement that those who are disloyal to the New Company will be destroyed.  Perhaps we underestimated the allure of evil, or perhaps we underestimated the amount of control the New Company has over its employees.

Progress!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not proud of our operatives, especially when they successfully complete a mission and we are finally at liberty to discuss their accomplishments openly.  We wish this was one of those times, but you will have to be satisfied with our telling you that they have recently completed one of the most dangerous missions we have ever undertaken, and that the New Company is scrambling to react.  While we can't talk about the details of how we got this information, we will share some of the information that is causing them to panic.

For some time now we have had our suspicions that "Gertrude" is not what she claims to be, especially since we discovered that the woman we thought was "Gertrude" was just a proxy to confuse us and was discarded when she became too much of a liability.  Recently we discovered that "Gertrude" is not a person at all, but a title reserved for those who undertake to lead the New Company.  They thought it would be funny for an organization as misogynistic as they are to give their leaders a title that sounded like a woman's name, and they thought it would keep us busy for a while.  They were right, in that it kept us busy, but they were wrong in that it was funny.  Making fun of or discriminating against half of the human race because they are different is not funny, and never has been.  One of the biggest dangers in casual use of evil office products is that these messages of hate and discrimination are often subtly introduced to us, and studies have shown that when these ideas are inculcated into us that we often start discriminating against women or accepting such discrimination as harmless.

Anyway, back to the main point of this post.  Our operatives recently discovered that not only is "Gertrude" not a name but a title but also that, at least since the beginning of this year, there is not even a person who bears the title.  "She" has been, for the last 8 months, a computer algorithm running on a server in "Gertrude's" office.  The secret has been known by many of the senior management at the New Company, which is why our revelation of this fact is causing so much confusion among the line managers and the individual contributors.  Many of them have begun to doubt the justice of a cause in which the senior management has to trick them into believing something untrue, and hopefully we can persuade some of them to abandon evil and leave the New Company.  We may even get a few to support us as the GPD has always been open and never asked our supporters to believe in a person who never existed!

The GNU Public Dungeons: A FAQ

Over the last few days our local offices have fielded an unusually large number of questions about something we mentioned in a post a few days ago: the GNU Public Dungeons.  Many expressed concern that they hadn't heard of them before, and a few who style themselves activists apparently believe that they are like the ancient medieval dungeons where people were left to rot without access to the due process of law.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not open, which is why we will attempt to answer the most frequently asked questions about the GNU Public Dungeons here.

Q.  Where are the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  Underground
Q.  Can you be more specific?
A.  We have several locations, please contact your local GPD office for information about the dungeons near your location.
Q.  What are the GNU Public Dungeons used for?
A.  They are primarily rented for wedding receptions and company parties, but there are several locations around the world where we employ the dungeons for more traditional uses.
Q.  How many world citizens are imprisoned in the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  None.  Those who are imprisoned are enemies of the GPD and were either never given world citizen status or had it revoked by the GPD's Board of Dictators.
Q.  Are any non-humans imprisoned there?
A.  There are a few cockroaches and rats imprisoned in some of the store rooms, but they chose to live there and were warned that the doors would be locked before they decided to stay there.
Q.  What are the conditions like in the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  Those who work in the GNU Public Dungeons the work is mostly janitorial, which is why we warned our supporters that insensitive brutes often end up there.
Q.  Are you avoiding answering questions regarding the treatment of prisoners in the GNU Public Dungeons?
A.  Of course not, those who reside there are properly cared for and are as happy as they can be, considering that they have abdicated their citizenship.  When our scientists perfect interplanetary travel they will be taken to a new planet where they can create a society that meets their needs.
Q.  Are prisoners allowed visitors?
A.  Yes.  Visiting hours are posted at each GNU Public Dungeon location that is used for detention.
Q.  How do I reserve a dungeon for my next big event?
A.  Contact your local GPD county officers for details.  Rentals are generally free, but if more than one event wants a specific dungeon on a specific date the highest bidder generally wins.  We can almost certainly accommodate you in one of our locations on the date of your choosing!

We hope this FAQ has been helpful and that your concerns have been allayed.  We also hope that you will make use of this great resource for your next big events!

"Edgar" has been pacified for now

Many of our supporters have been expressing concern that we aren't doing enough to keep "Edgar" from making good on his threats to destroy the world if we don't unite behind him, but those who keep track of new developments on this front will note that in his blog he posted about a conversation he had with his twin brother, Count Quisling, who works for us.  Besides a slightly disturbing tangent about how he enjoyed imprisoning his twin in the reality simulator, the post shows that the visit did him good.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to family, which is why we have encouraged Count Quisling to do what he wanted to help his brother and we have authorized his use of GPD enforcers to help keep the churro trade clean for "Edgar."  It would be difficult to accuse us of not trying to keep "Edgar" from becoming a problem as we are doing all we can to keep him from causing problems.  After all, we are nothing if not pragmatic!

Appropriate reactions

Most of you know the story of Yang Dacai, who was stripped of his position in the Chinese government for being caught on camera smiling at the scene of a disaster where 36 people died.  We have been discussing this incident and its ethical implications for the last couple of weeks, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not plagued by conflicting emotions on this one.  On one hand, we find it pathetic that this Chinese official was smiling where 36 people died, unless of course it was his doing, in which case it would be normal for him to smile at the successful completion of a dastardly deed, but we think he wasn't involved, which makes it sad that he would be insensitive enough to grin broadly on such a somber occasion.  On the other hand, though, we find it sad that he was dismissed for being an insensitive brute.  At the GPD we know that being an insensitive brute doesn't mean that you can't be an effective administrator, operative, or other cog in the government of a society, it just means you are an insensitive brute.  Consequently, after much consideration, the GPD is updating its official employment contract to state, essentially, that you will not be fired for being an insensitive brute, regardless of the circumstances.  Of course, being an insensitive brute will not probably be good for your career, and if you do it too often you will probably be relegated to working in the GNU Public Dungeons, but we promise we won't dismiss you simply for being one!

Finally, some legitimacy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited that the US courts have finally recognized that Popcorn Lung is a condition for which microwave popcorn manufacturers should be held accountable.  The condition itself is, as yet, irreversible, but we hope our scientists will be able to find a cure soon.  The New Company has been working for months to keep this sort of thing under the radar, but the fact that the US courts (and the jurors) are not cooperating with the New Company is very encouraging.  It appears that the New Company has been thwarted in yet another of its evil aims!

Keep applying

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about the upcoming "election" and, while we have received a record number of applications, we believe there are more of you out there that are dragging your feet and not applying.  If you are one of the procrastinators, please apply, but please refrain from mentioning in your application that you are a procrastinator unless you want your application to be rejected.  After all, we can't have procrastinators as world leaders or we would never get around to solving all of the world's problems!

Ties repaired

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to announce that ties have been repaired between our human and non-human supporters.  There will, of course, always be some individuals who have trouble interacting with others, but for the most part, as this incident in which an eager dog accidentally shot off his owner's hand shows, people and non-people are not ready to blame each other for their misfortune.  Rene was quick to point out that the dog had no fault, and that he should have engaged the safety.  It is good to see that our near schism is nearly healed, no thanks to our "Allies".

Some of you may have been disappointed to discover that this post was about human-non-human ties, and not neckties, but, have no fear!  We are also starting up the GNU Public Tie Repair for those who want their neckties repaired in a timely and open manner.  Inquire at your local GPD office for details!

An update on "Edgar"

All of our intelligence at the moment indicates that our former rival "Edgar" is becoming less genial and cooperative the longer his bid for world domination drags on.  On his blog last weekend he posted a note which shows that he is much more frustrated than he has been, and has even been seriously considering destroying the world rather than ruling it.  Apparently his wife "Natasha" is one of the few things keeping him from making good on this threat.  He also seems to be experiencing more discrimination than we had expected due to his pinkilessness.  We ask our supporters everywhere to help us defuse this situation by eliminating anti-pinkilessness in all of its ugly forms.  While "Edgar" needs to be stopped, we should not let him use his pinkilessness as an excuse for his failure, as if he successfully does so it will be nearly impossible to convince him to give up his ridiculous quest for world domination and join us in our quest for world domination.

His other major complaints stem from not getting enough supporters (which does not surprise us) and from low churro sales (which does surprise us).  We have dispatched our food services operatives to his area and are investigating the depressed churro sales as we suspect there may be something to his bootleg churro theory, but we will let you know when we find anything out!