Another chance to deploy our lucha-libre task force!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about every opportunity to deploy our apparition task force composed of Mexican wrestlers, and this one is no exception. On a side note, we would like to announce that Daniel, the newest (probationary) member of the Board of Dictators has been very busy of late pursuing better relations with the US State of Idaho, and it appears to be paying off. We have established two new GPD Counties in the last few weeks, and the number of supporters has grown exponentially! Thanks for your hard work, Daniel.

The role you were born to play

People's names sometimes have a lot to say about what they should do for a living. I remember vividly seeing a business card for a man whose occupation was used car salesman and whose last name was "Crook." You should all remember the tale of the dentist named Les Plack. Many are the occasions in which a name can make the difference between an ordinary and an extraordinary incident, as in this case. While the story would be moderately interesting anyway, it becomes more interesting with the fact that the officer who stopped the vehicle was Officer Freeze! At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of puns, and we bet that Officer Freeze has been waiting most of his career to be able to yell "freeze" and be recognized for it in print.

Isn't it enough to know that we ruined a calf making a gift for you?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to progress and we're nothing if not dedicated to art. Much of the time these two goals are orthogonal, but occasionally they cross paths. Recently we attempted to make an eight-legged spider-cow, with less-than-desirable results. Many world citizens have jumped on the anti-spider-cow bandwagon, but we would like our supporters to take a step back and consider the larger picture. Where would we be if nobody ever created genetically-manipulated monsters? Most of the science fiction created in the Post World War II era revolves around such creations, whether created intentionally or as a byproduct of improperly managed radiation. Isn't it enough to know that we are working to create exciting new life forms for you? So we ruined a calf (or two)... does that make us evil? You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, after all.

A simple tip for better propaganda: forget the antecedent

In an effort to improve propaganda writing everywhere, we will post suggestions here from time to time. (Please be advised that official propaganda teachers are aware of the suggestions here and will expect you to incorporate them as your own ideas if you want full credit.)

In grammar, an antecedent is the thing referred to by a pronoun in a sentence. In order to be unambiguous, it should be stated clearly before it is used. The following sentence uses antecedents poorly:

John and Joseph were talking, when he said that he wanted him to take him to the store.

In each instance it is not clear whether "he" refers to John or to Joseph. A less ambiguous statement would be:

John and Joseph were talking, when John said that he wanted Joseph to take him to the store.

In normal writing it is important to take care with antecedents to prevent ambiguity, but in the art of propaganda it is often useful to be less clear (as in the first example sentence) as it leads the readers to conclusions that fit what you are telling them, letting them ignore impertinent facts so as to understand the message you want them to hear.

When the need is more extreme, antecedents can be ditched altogether, or disguised, as in this article. First note the second paragraph, where our two characters are introduced:

"Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng, 66, broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge."

A careful reading of the rest of the article will show that the only time Lian is mentioned again is in the last paragraph. The quotes and the information about being detained by the police is attributed to someone without an antecedent called "Lai". This is a masterful example of how to use subtle antecedent "mistakes" to make your stories more interesting or more "informative." At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not informative!

Some new titles

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with finding the right names for things. People whose job title is "Peon" are not likely to give effort above and beyond the bare minimum. The retail industry has long been aware of this, and has started calling its employees "associates" or "team members." Since the inception of the local GPD office system we have referred to the people who run them simply as "local GPD officers," but we have noticed that the title breeds a lack of initiative. When we combine this fact with the decline of all things comital, the answer seems obvious. We are hereby official renaming the area served by a local GPD office from a "local region" to a "county" which allows us then to name the officer in charge of the local office a Count or Countess. We do not expect any substantial changes beyond the extra expense of printing new business cards, but we are looking forward to greater efficiency as our local officers strive to be worthy of their new titles! (Besides, now when they have multiple people in line at their office doors they can count them and cause flashes of lightning when they laugh!)

Entitlement

One major problem with society today is that children have a sense of entitlement. They believe they "deserve" things, or that withholding things from them is an act of malice. Case in point, the three-year-old Pipi Quinlan, who ordered an earthdigger online. A generation ago a child would never dare enter an auction and bid for a NZ$20,000 earthdigger. What's more, the adults at the auction would have simply dismissed the three-year-old's bid. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about this and other similar incidents, and we wonder why online auction sites are so acquiescent to this tide of entitlement.

A clandestine brad factory in Taiwan!

It has taken some time and effort for our operatives to confirm this, but we are now sure that there has been a clandestine brad factory being operated by rogue Brad Guys in Taiwan, near this man's goat farm. The astute supporter will note that the article referenced does not mention the Brad Guys at all, but the loyal supporter will also note that the Brad Guys are rarely referenced in mainstream media, even though we exposed the Company and brought them to the attention of the world. This latest discovery emphasizes that, although we have defeated the Company, we have not eradicated the threat that brads and brad paraphernalia pose to society. We are grateful to our operatives for observing Kuo Jing-shan's goats and confirming that the rogue Brad Guys were performing tests on them with their brads, preparing for a mass release of brads later this month. The rogue Brad Guys were captured earlier today, and the factory is being dismantled as we speak, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious and urge our supporters to be more vigilant than ever over the next few weeks!

Transparency

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with the current trend toward transparency in government spending. Transparency in spending, after all, is very much like the Open Source model in that anyone in the world (with enough time, ability, and resources) could audit the expenses and determine whether money is being misspent. In the software world this gives developers the ability to dismiss complaints about the product by stating, "You have the source, you decide what needs to be done and then let me know what you want to do." This offloads the responsibility for fixing problems to the masses and frees the developer to do more developerish things. It works a little differently for government spending, but the principle is the same. The state of Utah, for example, recently launched transparent.utah.gov, which lets Utah citizens and concerned netizens browse the 4.6 million transactions the state conducted last year. Now the power of the online community can be leveraged to police the state's spending at a fraction of the cost of qualified professionals! If one person were hired to review these transactions and spent a single second on each one it would take more than 53 days to review them all (not counting sleeping or eating), but with the power of the Internet even 100,000 individuals could do this job in just over 3 minutes!

We're just glad he didn't have a hole punch handy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when we see people use creative solutions to difficult problems, especially when these creative solutions avoid dangerous office products. We would like to salute Rob Carson for his quick-thinking in saving a boy's life using a household drill. This article tells much of the story, but neglects to mention that his assistant (who will not be named for security reasons) offered to get him a hole punch to use in relieving the pressure on the boy's brain. Thankfully, while Rob Carson is not (yet) a supporter of the GPD, he knew enough to recognize that his assistant was acting on behalf of a very sinister organization and sent for a drill instead.

Driving Under the Influence

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against driving under the influence of anything or anyone, as people clearly make better decisions when driving of their own volition. In order to instill this ideal in our supporters we would like to make a public example of this man (and reveal to the world what cereal he was eating), who was driving under the influence of cereal, but we would like your feedback before proceeding to ruin his life further. Please weigh in at your Local GPD office and we will decide on our course of action based on your input!

Never give up! (unless maybe you want a burrito)

There's a decision you make when you decide to flee from the authorities instead of letting them catch you and incarcerate you, and that decision is to keep fleeing until one of three things happens: (1) they give up the chase, (2) you get caught, or (3) you die. Most rational criminals follow this pattern (which, incidentally, is making the development of our artificially-intelligent police robots come along much faster), but there will always be a few that choose another way (which is why our artificially-intelligent police robots aren't quite ready for wide-scale deployment). Take Jermaine Askia Cooper, who, after fleeing from the cops for 16 minutes decided that if he was going to jail he wanted a burrito from Taco Bell. Our police robots were slightly confused at his strange behavior, and we hate to admit that had the human cops not been there they would have let Jermaine get his burrito before apprehending him. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad that didn't happen, and so we pledge to you that we will continue to improve our police robots before completely eliminating the human force.

Responsibility

The Parent Corporation has never shown a great deal of responsibility, but when one of their operatives bit into a burger containing foods to which he was allergic even we were surprised by their reaction. We expected a worthy opponent to take responsibility for not checking before biting, and we expect a worthless opponent to simply blame the people who made the burger, but we never expected an agent of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to sue the company where the people who made the burger worked.

We've had our operatives digging into this for some time now on the hopes that this is a clue to some larger strategy, or perhaps even a simple distraction, but we have found nothing that suggests that this lawsuit isn't exactly what it claims to be. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad he wasn't one of our supporters!

Our new Official Rock Song!

It has taken hours of contemplation and reflection, but after many rounds of elimination we have finally decided on the GNU Public Dictatorship's Official Rock Song. Some of the songs were relatively easy to eliminate, such as "World Leader Pretend" by R.E.M. Others were more difficult. Most of the songs submitted by our supporters were the same ones we had considered, but there were a few surprises. We have considered songs as different as "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin and "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John. Our favorites are listed below, and we'll reveal our choice at the end of this post (supporters who peek ahead to the winner will be censured, so don't think about it). The favorites (other than the winner) are in no particular order.

• The Future Soon (by Jonathan Coulton) (unofficial video here). We hope our New Future is as exciting as the protagonist's in this song.


• Dvorak's Symphony No. 9 in E Minor "From The New World". We know this isn't a rock song, but we couldn't help including it here as it is such an enjoyable piece and its title is so appropriate. We couldn't let it win, but we had to include it.


• I am not Your Broom (by They Might Be Giants)(album version here). A very nice little song that serves as a nice allegory for what we are doing.

And finally, the Winner (and the GNU Public Dictatorship's Official Rock Song):

• Free Nelson Mandela (by the Special A.K.A.) (video here). No other song captured our indignance at injustice in the world as well as our hope for the future better than Free Nelson Mandela.

We considered many other songs, but as there cand be only one we let the songs chop each other's heads off until there was only one. We hope you enjoy it.

I don't know why she swallowed the fly...

There was an old lady who lived next to fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants, perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who imported parasitic flies that turned her fire ants into headless zombies. She imported the flies to combat the fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants. Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who imported frogs that croaked and made a lot of noise. She imported the frogs to control the flies. She imported the flies to combat the fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants. Perhaps she'll die.

There was an old lady who imported some alligators that sometimes preyed on little children. She imported the alligators to control the frogs. She imported the frogs to control the flies. She imported the flies to combat the fire ants. I don't know why she lived next to fire ants. Perhaps she'll die.

An apology

We would like to take a minute to apologize to the employees in San Jose who were hospitalized because of their exposure to the noxious combination of moldy food and cleaning solutions, and simply say that when we sent our operative in to clean the fridge we thought we were performing a service for you all. We were not directly involved in the incident, but our local GPD office in San Jose was acting under our orders. They chose the operative very carefully as she had severe allergies and could not smell the fragrant emanations from the unplugged office fridge, and they had posted warning messages to coworkers before the service was performed, but even the best laid plans can have unintended side effects. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to doing better in the future! (We're also all but sure the Parent Corporation was involved, but we don't have any proof just yet)

A higher standard

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cognizant that we are held to a higher standard than the rest of the world. We embrace this idea, as even the smallest of mistakes we make can have far-reaching effects on the rest of the world. We have been trying our best to live up to this standard you have set for us, however difficult it may be. If you can't trust us to run the world, then why are you supporting us? (Or, in other words, if you can't trust a gun instructor not to shoot you, why are you taking classes from him?).

We understand that you expect more of us, and if we were a despotism or an oligarchy we might be content with not expecting more of you, but since we are an Open Board of Dictators, for the people, by the people and of the people, we need your participation as well. Consequently, we are raising the bar for our supporters by asking you to donate one hour of your time every month to local propaganda efforts as directed by your local GPD office. If you are already engaged otherwise in the Cause, you may submit form 493-E requesting that we count your efforts in lieu of this hour of service.

A piece of advice

We have received numerous nominations for the GNU Public Dictatorship's official rock song, and we are pleased with the majority of them. Unfortunately, a few of our "supporters" (they have officially been demoted to Probationary Supporters First Class) seem to have misunderstood the intent of the contest. We would like to warn you officially that songs such as "World Leader Pretend" by R.E.M. or "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears that deal with an imaginary world leadership are not appropriate. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not serious about ruling the world. Submitting a song that suggests that we are pretending to rule the world will be grounds for automatic demotion.

A Mother's Day Miracle

As is the tradition for my family I was visiting my mother's house for dinner, and I had baked a cake so that she didn't have to provide a dessert for all of us. As I was exiting my vehicle, however, the agents of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch accosted me and, although I was able to repel them and protect my mother and her honor, the cake and the cake pan fell victim to gravity. Due to some luck (or a minor miracle) the cake was salvaged from its erstwhile perch and was fit to be consumed. I gave the cake to my mother, who was in the process of taking the cake into her home when more agents of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch arrived. Freed from the encumbrance that was the cake I was quickly able to capture them, but once again the cake fell victim to gravity. Due to another minor miracle the cake had landed in the exact same orientation as it had before, and with a bit of creative sculpting was again fit for consumption.

The real miracle here, however, is not that the cake survived, but that, like penicillin, an accident that could have been very unfortunate served to provide us with a new and wholly unanticipated discovery. Out of the ashes of defeat arose the "Perfectly Chocolate Twice-Dropped Cake," which, according to those present, was extraordinarily tasty. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to see the plans of the Parent Corporation go awry, and when we get a new tasty treat and two captive operatives out of the deal we are nothing if not ecstatic!

Subtle typos...or are they?

We have a whole division dedicated to tracking apparently unfortunate typos across the world, and what we have found is not only an increase in the number of typos in public places, but also an increase in the number of typos we can trace back to the nefarious machinations of the parent corporation. While the full list is too large to reproduce here, we will give you a couple of examples. The first comes from a newspaper, and tries to mislead us with the headline, implying that a memo was given to people that were insensitive instead of the memo being too insensitive. Our operatives initially thought this might be inadvertent, but subsequent investigations have confirmed that the intent of the author was to paint those that were offended by the memo as insensitive. It's just so typical of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch that we sometimes forget that the stereotype is real!

The other is from an advertising campaign for KFC. The Parent Corporation believes in fried foods very deeply and objected to KFC's attempts to paint themselves as a healthy place to eat, and sabotaged their Unthink KFC campaign by causing them to register the domain unthinkfc.com (note the single "k" and think "Un-thin KFC").

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that our supporters should now take extra precauitons and be more vigilant than ever against typos, as the Parent Corporation is clearly using them to its advantage!

If you're going to steal something...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not opposed to people taking what doesn't belong to them, but we are also dedicated to your well-being. There are, unfortunately, cases where the two goals become mutually exclusive, as was the case here. We would like to sympathize with the man being punished (who, incidentally, is not a supporter), but we find it difficult as he eschewed common sense and stole a shirt from his prior time in jail and wore it in the presence of cops. The moral: If you are going to steal something, don't flaunt it in front of the people you stole it from.

A small (but important) victory!

For many years now the Virgin Mary has been appearing to the faithful in very odd places, but until recently there has never been a task force to verify that these appearances are more than mere happenstance. Thanks to the tireless efforts of "Viktor" we have finally organized such a task force using recruits from Lucha Libre. Here you see them in the process of verifying claims that the Virgin Mary appeared on a griddle at the Las Palmas restaurant in Calexico. Now that we have this task force we will hear many fewer false alarms. We would like to take a moment to thank "Viktor" for all he does for us. Oh, and to apologize again for declaring him a traitor and initiating a manhunt for him. Thanks, "Viktor!"

Practical art

With scientists working on "invisibility cloaks" (see here and here) we are grateful to artists such as Sara Watson. Thanks to her efforts and the efforts of others, there will always be some doubt as to whether that agent of the GNU Public Dictatorship was wearing an invisibility cloak or whether it was just an illusion carefully crafted by a skilled artist!

How to Recognize an Evil Sticker

Things have changed significantly over the years. Eight-track tapes and players have all but disappeared. Nobody checks the newspaper to find the show times for local movie theaters. Interest rates are much lower than they were. HDTV has been introduced.

Perhaps the most significant change over the last few years is that we were finally able to completely crush the Company and its designs for world domination. While we have significantly reduced the threat that brads pose to our society, we have found that by crushing the Company we have caused the Parent Corporation to step up its own assaults. Brads and hole punches are easily recognizable and easily avoided, but now they have started using stickers. The problem is that not all stickers are evil, and there has never been an easy way to distinguish the evil ones from the innocuous ones. Until now, that is. Thanks to Juliana's undercover work with the "Cutesy" project and Daniel's addition to the Board of Dictators we have gathered enough information to finally give you a way to recognize evil Parent-Corporation stickers and their harmless counterparts.

We'll present our method as a decision tree, where each level of the tree represents a question. Depending on the answer to the question you proceed to the appropriate next question. It will be more clear when you see it. Start at question #1.

1. Is the sticker larger than a breadbox? If yes, go to #2. If no, go to #3.
2. Is the sticker (or at least the background of the sticker) a brilliant white? (If yellowed white or off-white, answer "no"). If yes, go to #4. If no, go to #5.
3. Can you remove the sticker with very little effort? If yes, go to #6. If no, go to #7.
4. Does the sticker have an image of a monkey on it? If yes, go to #8. If no, go to #9.
5. Is the sticker yellowed from age or otherwise stained? If yes, go to #10. If no, go to #11.
6. Does your mass spectrometer show a spike at 37 or 843.2? If yes, go to #12. If no, go to #13.
7. Does the sticker have a pleasant bouquet? If yes, go to #14. If no, go to #15.
8. Is the monkey cute? If yes, go to #16. If no, go to #7.
9. This sticker is safe.
10. Is the sticker older than two years? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #7.
11. Is the sticker a "relief sticker" (does it protrude from the surface it is adhered to)? If yes, go to #17. If no, go to #18.
12. This sticker is evil. Please contact your local GPD Toxic Waste Disposal office immediately.
13. Does the sticker have an image of a mermaid on it? If yes, go to #19. If no, go to #4.
14. Does the bouquet remind you of summer? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #12.
15. Did you try scratching the sticker? If yes, go to #20. If no, scratch the sticker and then return to #7.
16. Is the monkey wearing a diaper? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #10.
17. Does the sticker depict a cartoon heroine from the 1980's such as Rainbow Brite? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #20.
18. Does a litmus test show the adhesive having a pH of 8.3 or greater? If yes, go to #12. If no, go to #9.
19. Is the mermaid underwater? If yes, go to #6. If no, go to #20.
20. Was the sticker purchased intentionally (as opposed to coming affixed to something purchased intentionally)? If yes, go to #9. If no, go to #12.

We hope that this information will help you to differentiate among good and evil stickers, and look forward to seeing fewer sticker-related deaths in the coming weeks!

Undercover

For those of you who aspire to one day joining us on the Board of Dictators, a gentle reminder is needed. While we do indeed enjoy surprising levels of fame and fortune, there is also much hard work that is required. For example, I have been undercover for months now trying to infiltrate a very sinister group of agents from the Parent Corporation. This group is by far the most treacherous I have yet encountered, and going into the middle of their operation was incredibly chilling.

What I have discovered is that the Parent Corporation has been working on a special initiative called "Cutesy" for years. The plan behind "Cutesy" is to make their sinister weapons available to a larger and larger demographic who unwittingly take these objects home to their unsuspecting families. The items look so similar to everyday, safe items that our GNU Public Dictatorship Safety Committee was even baffled by some of my findings.

My first undercover assignment was in a "scrapbooking" class where the "teachers" introduced the students (victims) to a variety of boldly patterned papers, ribbons and embellishments. These items (and the finished products) were so visually appealing that the victims were completely unprepared for the sinister tools required to assemble the projects. Within minutes, I noted one woman who had inadvertently cut herself on one of the tools. Feeling alarmed, I began paying closer attention. I noted that several of the tools had unbecoming sharp edges and the ability to crush or tear items that were inserted.

Before I go further, I want to unequivocally state: SCRAPBOOKING ITSELF IS NOT EVIL. Some of the tools are even safe when used by proper professionals. However, keep in mind that the Parent Corporation has been blurring the line between safe and sinister for years now so you may need a professional to keep your family safe. Remember that our GNU Public Dictatorship Safety Committee has several locations near you and are open conveniently from noon until four p.m. every day of the work week to assist you in making your decisions. The consultation is completely free and could save the life of somebody you love. 

To return to my original statement, you are wondering why this kind of assignment requires such sacrifices from a willing servant of The People? Let me be concise:

1. I do not enjoy scrapbooking. This assignment was handed to me because the male members of The Board would hardly be able to infiltrate this sinister group of evil lunatics without drawing attention to himself.

2. As the only female member of the Board, my face and figure is frequently posted publicly for the inspiration of the public. To go undercover, I was forced to alter my appearance so drastically that permanent changes were required. I cannot go into details to preserve my own safety.

3. Being in the midst of these atrocious evils and not crying out immediately requires all of the self control that I have acquired during my years of service on The Board. I had to stand by helplessly and watch as women took stickers and perforating devices home to their young, innocent children. The emotional impact is staggering.

So next time we open up our application for joining The Board, keep in mind that you may have to sacrifice greatly to enjoy the fame and fortune that will come naturally to you. And next time you see a member of The Board (not undercover) remember to treat them with the respect and admiration that they so obviously deserve.