While the attempt on my life in San Antonio may have been well-planned and dangerous, it is clear that the Company and its supporters are getting more and more desperate as we gain in power and influence.
The attack on Juliana's family was clumsy and in bad taste, and today there was a very clumsy attempt on my life that left one of my coworkers with 11 stitches. I'll have to have a talk with our facilities group to find out who let them in, but it appears that sometime last night they put a sharp metal object near my coworker's desk where I usually sit when I talk to him. Their hope, we can only assume, is that after talking with my coworker I would return to my desk without noticing the sharp object and cut my head open on it.
They were frustrated, however, when Nathan Swenson, my brave coworker, took the figurative bullet for me and cut his own head open on the metal object. His brave act left him woozy and necessitated a trip to the hospital, but after an hour or two and eleven stitches he is back with us. It is with great pleasure that we, the Board of Dictators, award Nathan Swenson the Hero of the People award for his service.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Another Mystery Solved
Juliana was right about the mysterious bout of vomiting ravaging her home. Our doctors were able to trace the source of the illness and we have taken appropriate steps to ensure that it will not happen again.
We have also tracked those responsible for this unconscionable act and detained them. We expect that they will go through a trial, that is, after they are arraigned and charged and all the preliminary hearings and what-not. I, for one, have trouble understanding the intricacies of the criminal justice system in its current form. Won't it be much nicer when the guilty can be punished without all of this deliberation and caution? Once we are fully in power we will establish a much simpler justice system; one which you will not have to be a lawyer to understand. We will follow the principles of the open-source model and create a system where the guilty are punished and the innocent are set free with total accuracy. How, you may ask, will we accomplish this? The answer is simple, and is the same concept used by cryptographers to ensure that their codes are uncrackable. But first, a little about cryptography.
Cryptography, or the study of codes, is a very old science. People have always needed ways to send messages to each other without everyone knowing about them. Cryptography ranges from simple methods, such as putting your letter in an envelope, to complex methods, such as those used in modern computer encryption. Some people have relied on keeping their codes secret in order to keep people from reading it (they won't know the letter is inside this new thing called an envelope! They'll be confused when it doesn't say anything!), but invariably people find out how the code is done, and, unless it is impossible to break, easily crack the code. Modern cryptographers agree that the best way to ensure that a code is unbreakable is to let everyone see the method and agree that there is no way to break it. (People still have secrets, called keys, but that's a different discussion.)
Anyway, back to the justice system. Instead of trusting twelve people with no knowledge of the facts pertaining to the case to decide the fate of the defendant, we will leverage the collective knowledge of all citizens of the world. We could go into much more detail about our GNU Public Justice System, but that will have to wait. The financial crisis is still calling (and the logo contest is unfortunately still suspended). All of us here wish Juliana and her family a speedy recovery. We're nothing if not compassionate.
We have also tracked those responsible for this unconscionable act and detained them. We expect that they will go through a trial, that is, after they are arraigned and charged and all the preliminary hearings and what-not. I, for one, have trouble understanding the intricacies of the criminal justice system in its current form. Won't it be much nicer when the guilty can be punished without all of this deliberation and caution? Once we are fully in power we will establish a much simpler justice system; one which you will not have to be a lawyer to understand. We will follow the principles of the open-source model and create a system where the guilty are punished and the innocent are set free with total accuracy. How, you may ask, will we accomplish this? The answer is simple, and is the same concept used by cryptographers to ensure that their codes are uncrackable. But first, a little about cryptography.
Cryptography, or the study of codes, is a very old science. People have always needed ways to send messages to each other without everyone knowing about them. Cryptography ranges from simple methods, such as putting your letter in an envelope, to complex methods, such as those used in modern computer encryption. Some people have relied on keeping their codes secret in order to keep people from reading it (they won't know the letter is inside this new thing called an envelope! They'll be confused when it doesn't say anything!), but invariably people find out how the code is done, and, unless it is impossible to break, easily crack the code. Modern cryptographers agree that the best way to ensure that a code is unbreakable is to let everyone see the method and agree that there is no way to break it. (People still have secrets, called keys, but that's a different discussion.)
Anyway, back to the justice system. Instead of trusting twelve people with no knowledge of the facts pertaining to the case to decide the fate of the defendant, we will leverage the collective knowledge of all citizens of the world. We could go into much more detail about our GNU Public Justice System, but that will have to wait. The financial crisis is still calling (and the logo contest is unfortunately still suspended). All of us here wish Juliana and her family a speedy recovery. We're nothing if not compassionate.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Targeted Again
A mysterious bout of vomiting has broken out here at my house. I suspect some serious security breaches and I would beseech future malcontents to leave my children out of this.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Busy, busy, busy
We haven't been able to get much sleep over the last few nights, and our diet certainly leaves much to be desired, but due to our assiduousness I think we'll make our deadline of selecting a logo by next Thursday. In fact, we may even be early! We have narrowed down the field from thousands to a few finalists. We regret to inform you all that late submissions, however good they are, can no longer be considered.
On a side note, all of our diligence in selecting a logo has cut into our time to keep the financial industry afloat. We apologize to WaMu, and hope that the involved parties will forgive us when they see our new logo! After all, what's a little financial turmoil compared to a brand new logo?
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson may have called us all of those nasty names for waiting a few days, be we assure you all that we will put our logo contest on hold for tonight so that we can focus more on financial affairs. Hopefully things will stabilize again quickly, but even if they don't, at least we will have earned some credibility and public support for suspending our own work in favor of the people of the world. The GNU Public Dictatorship is nothing if not interested in your success!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Finalists
We've been flooded with submissions from countries around the world. After much thought, here are our finalists:
If we receive any late submissions before making a final choice, they may be considered as well. We're nothing if not fair-minded.
Another Submission
A shout out to Wilbur in Venezuala for this submission that came in this afternoon:
Deadline today!
Just a reminder to all of our artistic supporters that the deadline for logo submissions is midnight tonight. We have received quite a few, and we'd like to thank all who have submitted. We have received many more submissions than we thought we would, but we'll still try to have the official winner announced by a week from today.
We just received this logo from Reginald West of Newport, Connecticut. Thanks, Reginald!
We just received this logo from Reginald West of Newport, Connecticut. Thanks, Reginald!
The GNU Public Theme Park Unveiled!
It's official. The Board has met and decided to call our first theme park the GNU Public Theme Park! I have already announced several of the attractions, but the new one I am most pleased to present is the GNU Public Area, where open-source theme parks begin! Here guests will be allowed to look at the plans for our attractions and make modifications to try them out. Rides will not be allowed out of the GNU Public Area until they have been tested by our safety and brad inspectors, but guests are free to sign a waiver and try all of the attractions designed by their fellow guests! The only stipulation is that plans for any rides designed in the GNU Public Area must be made available to the general public in the same way the plans from our rides are made available!
Remember, the GNU Public Theme Park opens this November! Don't let your friends get there before you do!
Remember, the GNU Public Theme Park opens this November! Don't let your friends get there before you do!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Open-Source Model
Many thanks to Juliana for explaining the significance of "GNU" in our name. I'd like to comment on one more meaning of GNU that has special significance to open-source software enthusiasts. Part of the reason we chose the title "The GNU Public Dictatorship" is that we wanted to emphasize that we believe in the open-source model for government. What is the open-source model? Read on!
Before we discuss the open-source model, we should discuss the traditional model. In a traditional development process the software is made (conceived, written, debugged, and compiled) entirely as a proprietary company secret. The entity that made the software then sells it to users who are allowed to consume the software, but not modify it or understand how it works under the covers. In fact, all of those annoying software licenses that nobody reads essentially say that if you try to figure out what it is doing under the covers that you are in violation of the license and could be sued by the company that owns the software! The reason they don't let you understand it is that if you understood it you could build something by yourself that would be better than what they built, and then they wouldn't get your money! In the traditional model, the only reason to create software is to make money.
The open-source model, by contrast, makes software as a public good. Anyone can look at the "source" to understand how the program was made and how it works. What's more, anyone can improve the software by modifying the source or by suggesting how to improve it. Perhaps the best part of it is that people are free to read, modify, improve, or borrow from the software without fear that some money-thirsty company will sue them. The end goal of open-source software is to please the users, not to get rich.
Our current government is much like the traditional model. Your average citizen may understand what government does, but he or she will likely not understand how it works. What's more, your average citizen has very little power to improve the government or suggest improvements. Only those in power really have any ability to improve the government, but since they are in power they have little motivation to do so. Special interests are able to exploit these characteristics to use the government as a money-making machine.
Here at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe this is the wrong model for government. The GNU Public Dictatorship pledges to follow the open-source model. We will ensure that our citizens understand how the government works and therefore empower them to improve the government. We are nothing if not committed to you!
Before we discuss the open-source model, we should discuss the traditional model. In a traditional development process the software is made (conceived, written, debugged, and compiled) entirely as a proprietary company secret. The entity that made the software then sells it to users who are allowed to consume the software, but not modify it or understand how it works under the covers. In fact, all of those annoying software licenses that nobody reads essentially say that if you try to figure out what it is doing under the covers that you are in violation of the license and could be sued by the company that owns the software! The reason they don't let you understand it is that if you understood it you could build something by yourself that would be better than what they built, and then they wouldn't get your money! In the traditional model, the only reason to create software is to make money.
The open-source model, by contrast, makes software as a public good. Anyone can look at the "source" to understand how the program was made and how it works. What's more, anyone can improve the software by modifying the source or by suggesting how to improve it. Perhaps the best part of it is that people are free to read, modify, improve, or borrow from the software without fear that some money-thirsty company will sue them. The end goal of open-source software is to please the users, not to get rich.
Our current government is much like the traditional model. Your average citizen may understand what government does, but he or she will likely not understand how it works. What's more, your average citizen has very little power to improve the government or suggest improvements. Only those in power really have any ability to improve the government, but since they are in power they have little motivation to do so. Special interests are able to exploit these characteristics to use the government as a money-making machine.
Here at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe this is the wrong model for government. The GNU Public Dictatorship pledges to follow the open-source model. We will ensure that our citizens understand how the government works and therefore empower them to improve the government. We are nothing if not committed to you!
Monday, September 22, 2008
In Memory of Henry Ralston, Hero of the People
I'm sure all of you read about the attempt on my life perpetrated by employees at a restaurant in San Antonio, Texas. What the media did not report, however, was the heroic end that Henry Ralston, one of my aides, met at the hands of the Enemies of the Board. Here's the obituary from the San Antonio Express-News:
There is no mention here of any heroism or even any back history of the "suspicious circumstances." For those who haven't heard about it, I'll give a brief history of the events as they unfolded. On Thursday afternoon after our rally at The Alamo, my party and I decided to dine on the river walk. The restaurant we chose, however, had been infiltrated by Enemies of the Board. I suspect the Brad Guys were involved, but no conclusive ties have been established yet. The perpetrators added a slow-acting poison to our food. At about midnight, Henry became violently ill. We immediately suspected foul play and called in our doctor. He promptly discovered the cause of his illness, but by this time I had also become violently ill. The doctor was able to find an antidote to the poison, but it just wasn't soon enough for Henry. He was admitted to the hospital and valiantly clung to life until this morning, when he succumbed to the massive trauma and slipped out of this world. As it turns out, the perpetrators of this heinous act had put poison in all of the food, but what they didn't know is that Henry's allergy medication made him more susceptible to the poison than the rest of us. They hadn't counted on Henry falling ill before the rest of us, and therefore thought to kill us all.
We would like to thank Henry, his family, and his boa constrictor Jane for their sacrifice for the cause of the People's GNU Dictatorship: for the people, by the people and of the people. He is the first of our supporters to be honored with the title "Hero of the People," the highest award our citizens may strive for. Please remember the Alamo and the sacrifice that Henry Ralston, Hero of the People, made in the cause of causes.
Amy Dorsett and Cindy Tumiel - Express-News
Henry Ralston passed away in the hospital last night due to internal bleeding under suspicious circumstances. He was 35 at the time of his death. He was born in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. He was the third and last child born to his parents Mary Lou and Friedrich Ralston. He was the captain of the AV club at his high school, and always came in second or third in state Chess championships. He was an active member of the NRA and was always kind to animals. He is survived by his pet boa constrictor Jane, his mother and father, and his siblings Donald and Sarah.
There is no mention here of any heroism or even any back history of the "suspicious circumstances." For those who haven't heard about it, I'll give a brief history of the events as they unfolded. On Thursday afternoon after our rally at The Alamo, my party and I decided to dine on the river walk. The restaurant we chose, however, had been infiltrated by Enemies of the Board. I suspect the Brad Guys were involved, but no conclusive ties have been established yet. The perpetrators added a slow-acting poison to our food. At about midnight, Henry became violently ill. We immediately suspected foul play and called in our doctor. He promptly discovered the cause of his illness, but by this time I had also become violently ill. The doctor was able to find an antidote to the poison, but it just wasn't soon enough for Henry. He was admitted to the hospital and valiantly clung to life until this morning, when he succumbed to the massive trauma and slipped out of this world. As it turns out, the perpetrators of this heinous act had put poison in all of the food, but what they didn't know is that Henry's allergy medication made him more susceptible to the poison than the rest of us. They hadn't counted on Henry falling ill before the rest of us, and therefore thought to kill us all.
We would like to thank Henry, his family, and his boa constrictor Jane for their sacrifice for the cause of the People's GNU Dictatorship: for the people, by the people and of the people. He is the first of our supporters to be honored with the title "Hero of the People," the highest award our citizens may strive for. Please remember the Alamo and the sacrifice that Henry Ralston, Hero of the People, made in the cause of causes.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A Grand Success
I'm happy to report that the diplomatic mission has been a complete success. We were able to accomplish everything we set out to do. Here are some highlights:
Many thanks also to loyal supporters Jennifer Campbell of El Paso, Texas and Richard Dunlap of Kyle, Texas for all they did to make the trip a huge success.
- Maintained gas prices during Hurricane Ike
- Decreased brad production and distribution (Three more companies have joined the effort since my latest post on this topic)
- Made final arrangements for our new theme park (Doors open November, 2008!)
- Launched our bald-head advertising company
- Arranged for the use of guerilla-grape campaign art
Many thanks also to loyal supporters Jennifer Campbell of El Paso, Texas and Richard Dunlap of Kyle, Texas for all they did to make the trip a huge success.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I guess we'll need a few more rules...
We appreciate your enthusiasm for the logo contest, and it is with great sadness that I must impose a few new rules. Our lawyers tell us that if we choose a logo that is copied from an existing logo we may get ourselves involved in legal suits. Consequently, until we have the legal system more fully under our control, we'll have to disqualify entries that copy from existing artwork, unless of course they have written permission from the original artist.
And I was going to vote for this one: (click here for the original in context)
Thanks for the effort, Jennifer L. of Wichita, Kansas. Please try again!
Preferred World Citizens
Preferred Citizens of the World, unite!
We would like to welcome Alyson as the first Preferred World Citizen. Alyson earned this honorary title by being the first non-dictator to join our new Facebook group!
Preferred World Citizens are guaranteed the following privileges:
1. Two free tickets to our new theme park (opening soon!) per calendar year
2. A one-time inspection by our highly trained team of Brad Inspectors, ensuring that your family lives in a brad-free environment.
3. A free Board of Dictators coffee mug, complete with hot cocoa mix.
Want to enjoy this special privileges? Apply by emailing one of The Board, joining our facebook group or submitting a logo for our logo contest. This is a limited-time offer.
Wildebeest
Some of you may be wondering about the origins or our name so I thought I'd fill you in.
The gnu (or "wildebeest") is a hooved antelope-type mammal that lives in the Serengeti. The mythical Catoblepas animal is roughly based on the appearance of the GNU. Catobelepas were described as sluggish but deadly: one look from them could kill an enemy. We at the GNU Public Dictatorship understand that many people think of dictators as sluggish, but deadly.
In a clever play on words, we decided that a "NEW" or "GNU" dictator would be neither sluggish nor deadly. Your friendly neighborhood dictator ought to be for the people ... and by some of the people. We all know people that we don't want to run the world. An ideal government utilizes those who have the public best interests in heart and will work for the welfare of the common masses.
And so we bring to you a "gnu" form of dictatorship: one that is certainly not like the "catoblepas" or animal "gnu" but one that is dedicated to "new" forms of peaceful world monopoly. Remember: we are here for you, the public. We are the GNU Public Dictatorship.
I'm happy to see that some of you have understood the relevance of our title without the aid of this explanation. The following logo was submitted by Setsuko of Detroit. Thanks, Setsuko, for raising the bar just a little bit higher!
FORWARD 100 LEFT 90 FORWARD 100 LEFT 90 FORWARD 100 LEFT 90 FORWARD 100 LEFT 90
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Keep it comin'
This is amazing. We're getting flooded with logo designs from adoring supporters around the globe. Just a note to Billy Jean, age 7, from Arkansas : I'm overcome by your passion and I hope you'll submit more ideas after reconsidering your spelling/grammar/handwriting in the following logo:
Keep 'em coming!
Logo Contest!
Joseph Fitzgerald of Madison, Wisconsin has recently pointed out that we need a logo. We agreed with him, and came up with this simple logo with the aid of MS Paint:
We are sure you could come up with a better logo for us, so we are opening it up to everyone. Please submit your logos to us, and we will choose our favorites. The winner will receive an all-expenses paid trip to our new theme park. The deadline for submissions is one week from today, that is, September 24, 2008, at 12:00 midnight MST.
Happy designing!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The Crock & A Free Mug!
Some of you may have noticed that the third member of our Board of Dictators has been strangely silent in recent weeks. Fear not, all is well with Craig (more commonly referred to by his nickname, "The Crock.")
Due to an unexpected surge in free-thinking traditionalism, T.C. has been forced underground for a few weeks. He is making excellent use of this down time by scouring libraries for information in a few of the projects we have under wraps right now. A hint of his activities? He's been reading about the history of Trout, far eastern architecture and rubber bands. I can't say more than that for fear of his mission being endangered.
In other news, show your support for the GNU Public Dictatorship by sporting all-new Board of Dictators gear. In future weeks, watch for our eye-catching and politically correct t-shirts, socks and exercise gear. While we're waiting for our team of designers to finalize the look, feel free to submit your own logos for our amusement. If we like what we see, you'll receive a free mug with your logo on it! And your name will be officially added to our "friendly" list, which might just come in handy when we're fully in power. Tim will be posting more about this tomorrow, so check back for more details!
Due to an unexpected surge in free-thinking traditionalism, T.C. has been forced underground for a few weeks. He is making excellent use of this down time by scouring libraries for information in a few of the projects we have under wraps right now. A hint of his activities? He's been reading about the history of Trout, far eastern architecture and rubber bands. I can't say more than that for fear of his mission being endangered.
In other news, show your support for the GNU Public Dictatorship by sporting all-new Board of Dictators gear. In future weeks, watch for our eye-catching and politically correct t-shirts, socks and exercise gear. While we're waiting for our team of designers to finalize the look, feel free to submit your own logos for our amusement. If we like what we see, you'll receive a free mug with your logo on it! And your name will be officially added to our "friendly" list, which might just come in handy when we're fully in power. Tim will be posting more about this tomorrow, so check back for more details!
What you have all been waiting for!
Although we had our reservations at first, the constant pressure you have all been putting on us has finally paid off. We have agreed to open our first GNU Public Dictatorship theme park here in Corpus Christi, Texas! We are still debating what it should be called, but our short list includes "Dictatorland," "The GNU Public Theme park," and "GNU World Order." Please respond with comments if you would like to help us decide. We appreciate your patience and hope you will make an effort to visit us here as soon as possible. Our doors open on November 1, 2008.
Among our many attractions are the following:
- The Hall of Dictators
- The Art of Propaganda
- Captain EO (we got the rights from Disneyland!)
- Mt. *ocracy (Pronounced Mt. Starocracy, an excellent roller coaster)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Market Changes
I can't say much about what I'm working on right now for fear of letting the cat out of the bag early, but I wanted to say a few things about market changes.
The impending collapse of Lehman Brothers investment bank and the stresses put on the oil supply by Hurricane Ike are just recent examples of what we have been working on behind the scenes for many years. Don't get us wrong, we're not trying to ruin the economy, but we are choosing specific parts of it and working behind the scenes to underscore the current problems. We recognize that the world is a mess, and that without some strategic adjustments it would all fall into unrecognizable chaos forever. Just as Juliana was recently able to exert her influence to get Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae rescued by the government we are also working on real solutions to these problems. The bottom line is that we can't make the deep, fundamental changes we need until people recognize the need for change, at least not until the Board of Dictators is fully empowered.
Your average dictator might refuse to admit his own involvement in affairs his citizens find uncomfortable, but here at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to open, honest communication with our subjects.
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Price of Anarchy
I've always been fascinated by the spectacle of people evacuating. I've had a first-hand look at the evacuation ahead of Hurricane Ike, and I think it's time to say something about what is called the price of anarchy. Before the price of anarchy can make sense, however, we need to discuss the idea of a Nash equilibrium. Remember the guy from A Beautiful Mind? Yes, I'm talking about that Nash.
A Nash equilibrium is a situation in which two or more parties are deciding what to do, and none of the parties can do anything to improve their own situation unless other parties change their mind. This is what happens when individuals go through life looking out for their own interests. Perhaps an example would help. There is a famous problem called the Prisoners' Dilemma. The situation is one in which two suspects have been detained in connection with a crime. They did commit the crime, but the evidence is circumstantial, and wouldn't stand up in court without a confession. The suspects have agreed beforehand that they will not squeal, but when they are taken downtown they are interrogated separately. The interrogator confronts each prisoner with roughly this information:
"If you squeal on your buddy and he doesn't confess, you'll both do time, but you will do a month while he will do a year. If you both squeal, you'll both do about four months time. "
What the interrogator doesn't mention (but both prisoners understand) is that if neither of them confesses they'll both get off on the main charges, but they'll be charged with some lesser charge and probably end up doing two months.
The socially optimal (from the prisoners' point of view) solution is for them to both withhold a confession. The total time served would be four months, after which both could return to their life of crime. This, however, is not a Nash equilibrium. Either prisoner (acting alone) could improve his or her own situation by confessing.
If both confess, however, then the total amount of time served jumps to eight months. This is, however, a Nash equilibrium, since neither prisoner can shorten his sentence by acting alone and not confessing. Without a central plan, society generally moves toward Nash equilibria.
In practice, Nash equilibria are often well below the socially optimal solution. The ratio of these two, (in this case 2 (8 months vs. 4 months)) is what is called the price of anarchy. In this example the lack of a strong uniting force costs twice what the optimal solution would cost them.
The reason I bring all of this up is that it highlights one of the reasons we, as a society, need the GNU Public Dictatorship. We can't afford to live sub-optimally, and therefore we need a central authority that can remind us all to act in a socially responsible fashion that will benefit us all. We have the resources and connections at our disposal to know what the right choices are. Some may complain that we are trying to limit your choices or make you behave as we want you to. Some even suggest that we optimizing things for our own benefit and not that of society. Nothing could be further from the truth. We, your dictators, are committed to helping each of you avoid the price of anarchy and reap the benefits of cooperation. We are nothing if not dedicated to optimality!
Oil Prices
We at GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not concerned about the environment. That's why we didn't interfere with gas prices earlier in the year--we thought that people might need a little wake-up call. However, we've adjusted our stance as oil prices have become too great a burden on the everyday World Citizen. In hopes that lower oil prices will reduce shipping costs--and therefore food costs--we have recently been in negotiations with some "friends" in the Middle East and in Texas.
Tim is on-site right now, trying to keep oil prices stable during the Hurricane Ike crisis. In the meantime, our efforts have been headline news as prices have started dropping again. We hope that you'll be able to finally take that much-needed vacation. When you're out, drop us a postcard and let us know what lower gas prices mean for you personally.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
A small battle won
I have excellent news for you all! The world is a much safer place to be today, thanks to the results of a hard day of negotiations. To be precise, the world is 69,000 brads/day safer! I had to pull some strings and throw my influence around a bit, but I was able to convince Parco Pacific Ltd. that brads are no longer worth their while. It may surprise you to learn that nobody at the firm seemed to have heard of Jacob Gehris or the Company, but you can be sure they know about them now. What's more, they are already spreading the word to their partners all over the world. Yet another demonstration of the power of knowledge.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Bald? Need money?
Excellent news for the bald among our supporters!
With the success of our pilot program in New Zealand, we have recently perfected our new advertising method. If you are bald and would like to support our cause (but then again, who wouldn't?), please let us know. We'll pay you $666 to put a tattoo on your head advertising for the GNU Public Dictatorship. Unlike the pilot program, these tattoos will be permanent. Oh, and don't worry...this is not the mark of the beast.
As for an update on my diplomatic mission, I am pleased to inform you all that we are the first campaign to distribute our literature on produce! I recently met with the guerilla grape artist responsible for this work of art. She has agreed to join our campaign, provided we keep her identity a secret. Keep your eyes peeled at grocery stores and outdoor markets for grapes promoting the GNU Public Dictatorship. We are nothing if not innovative!
With the success of our pilot program in New Zealand, we have recently perfected our new advertising method. If you are bald and would like to support our cause (but then again, who wouldn't?), please let us know. We'll pay you $666 to put a tattoo on your head advertising for the GNU Public Dictatorship. Unlike the pilot program, these tattoos will be permanent. Oh, and don't worry...this is not the mark of the beast.
As for an update on my diplomatic mission, I am pleased to inform you all that we are the first campaign to distribute our literature on produce! I recently met with the guerilla grape artist responsible for this work of art. She has agreed to join our campaign, provided we keep her identity a secret. Keep your eyes peeled at grocery stores and outdoor markets for grapes promoting the GNU Public Dictatorship. We are nothing if not innovative!
Questions and Answers
We've been inundanted with questions from loyal supporters and curious newbies. Rest assured that we'll answer each and every question in a timely manner. In the meantime, here are answers to a few of the most salient questions:
Q: What does salient mean?
Submitted by Bob in Arkansas
Dear Bob,
Thanks for your question. Salient means "significant" or "important" to put it in simple terms. Read more by clicking here.
Q: Where do you plan to begin your quest for ultimate peaceful domination of the globe?
Submitted by Lin in Bulgaria
Dear Lin,
Before I answer your question, I am curious about one thing. What kind of name is Lin? Is that a derivative of the name Lynn? Feel free to reply in the comments. Now for your question. At our initial planning sessions, we spotted several very attractive locations to begin our campaign. However, we feel it would be best to keep those plans to ourselves for the time being. No need to attract more media attention than necessary. We're shy people, Lin. Shy people. Thanks for your question!
Q: Will animals be treated humanely under the GNU Public Dictatorship?
Submitted by "Bowser" in Bangladesh
Dear "Bowser",
I told you not to contact me here. Please try to be more discrete in the future. And no, I won't forget the doggy biscuits that I promised you. Thanks for the question.
Well, I think that's enough questions for today, everyone. Keep them rolling in and we'll have another Q and A session soon. Thanks for your support and curiosity.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
157 MPG
Today I invented a car which runs at 157 miles per gallon. I based it on a Hummer because I know how popular SUVs have become with the important "bleached blonde woman talking into a cell phone and not paying attention to the road" demographic. I thought it only appropriate that GNU Public Dictatorship "give back" to all of you who have been so overwhelmingly supportive of our mission to create world peace through dictatorship.
Unfortunately, I can't reveal the secrets to my car's success. Part of my deal to take over Fannie and Freddie was handing my alternative fuel research over to the US government. But rest assured that when GNU Public Dictatorship is in control, the secret to driving socially insensitive monstrosities will be publicly available. We're nothing if not concerned about your driving options.
Why a Board of Dictators?
We at the GNU Public Dictatorship are very proud to present our revolutionary plan for a Board of Dictators. Heaven forbid we try to push a single power-hungry entity on the masses. That would be irresponsible, and the G.P.D. is anything but irresponsible. So we devised a way to simulate the vital checks and balances found in democratic societies. With not a single dictator, but a board of dictators, we can ensure that a variety of world domination plans will be considered and discussed. That means more equal opportunity for the likes of you. And all of this without any voting hassle or inconvenience of party caucuses. You can thank us by silencing those stubbornly dissenting voices in your head. We're nothing if not benevolent.
We're on a diplomatic mission
I'm very pleased to announce that I have been selected to lead the first of what will surely be many diplomatic missions on behalf of the Board of Dictators. The following are some of our goals for this diplomatic mission:
- Increased awareness of the GNU Public Dictatorship and its purpose
- Stronger ties with existing powers in key areas
- Increased understanding of other cultures and the ways in which they can enrich all of us
- Decreased production of brads
Monday, September 8, 2008
Bye bye, Fannie Mae.
It quickly became obvious during planning sessions that we would need a tighter control of world economists, if we planned to offer everybody a Free Lunch. We don't need their dissenting voices telling the commoners it's impossible. Pshah. So I engineered a little something with some buddies up on Capitol Hill and gained control of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Bit of a pain with all the media frenzy, but an important first step.
Brad Guys
Have you ever wondered who is behind the brad, the sinister metal objects used to join paper, cardboard, and other materials in such a way that it rotates freely? More importantly, have you ever wondered why the brad has tines of different lengths? To save you the effort, I have researched it extensively and am prepared to explain it all to you in brutal detail. I apologize in advance to those readers unfortunate enough to visit this blog after the inevitable redaction occurs. I assure you I will fight the attempt to "sanitize" my post, but I can't be responsible if the Company gets to it while I'm not paying attention.
The brad was ostensibly invented in 1869 by Jacob Gehris, a disgruntled employee of a nail factory in Conflate, AZ. He presented his idea to his supervisors, but they told him it was not worth pursuing and dismissed him. The official reason given for his dismissal was "lack of dedication to the company." Mr. Gehris wanted to create brads so that scrapbookers and mobile-builders could express themselves in ways that were much more difficult given the tools of the day. Little did he know, however, that he had stumbled on a secret much bigger than himself. Mr. Gehris acquired a patent on the brad later that month, but was subsequently abducted by the secretive owners of the nail factory. He couldn't remember their exact words, but they asked him why he had designed the brad with assymetric tines. He told them it made it easier for the user to separate the tines upon use. They told him that was satisfactory and that they would let him keep the patent in his name and keep all of the proceeds of the brads during his lifetime, but that when he reached the age of 63 he would sign the patent over to the Company. He didn't want to make any more waves, and so he whole-heartedly agreed. Brad sales were slow for the first five years, and Mr. Gehris became very depressed. In April of 1875 he presumably committed suicide, leaving the Company as the sole beneficiary of the brad. What Mr. Gehris didn't know was that the Company had been scuttling his business using its extensive network of resources. Needless to say, the brad market really heated up after 1875. It reached its peak during the Great Depression, and declined during the following years. Recent efforts to revitalize them (external link) appear to be achieving success, which is why I am writing this warning post.
Why did the Company see fit to crush the life of a man whose only crime was to stumble on the brad? The answer lies in the secret cult that for many years worshipped the brad as a symbol of the union of our culture with that of extraterrestrials who had come bearing brads several millenia ago. The cult itself has gone by many names over the course of its existense. Early records refer to the "Sons of Brad". More recent manuscripts called it "The Brotherhood of Bradley". In the 1900's a newspaper reporter working to uncover the cult coined the term "Brad Guys," to which I, myself, am partial. This reporter went missing shortly after his article was printed. In recent years they have shunned all of these names in favor of their current title, the "Company". When Mr. Gehris unwittingly became a part of the story the Company decided it was time to put their nefarious plan into action.
Before we get to the plan itself, we should delve into some of the background. A medieval historian reported on a cult ceremony involving the brad, and noted that "the followers of the cult ingestede[sic] small quantities of small bfassy[sic] nail-like objects in order to achieve a state of enlightenment." Recent studies by concerned scientists have confirmed that brass brads can indeed accumulate significant quantities of hallucinogenic substances under the right set of circumstances. They also noted that several lab animals had died after ingesting brads. If you see your children or your neighbor's children with brads, please warn them of this danger. Still another problem with brads is they way they are used by unscrupulous individuals to portray sinuous and sensual movements, which are very detrimental to the development of a chaste and noble society.
The information I have found suggests that the Company is currently engaged in an all-out attempt to control the world through hallucinogens and mind-control drugs placed on brads and carefully and systematically distributed to children across the world. One of the obstacles Mr. Gehris fought while trying to make a living off his invention was the general distrust of the brad. In today's society it may seem foolish or old-fashioned to fear brads, but that is all part of the Company's plan. They have employed skilled marketing for more than a century to make us all believe that they are harmless. Do not let yourself be fooled! The brad that Jacob Gehris invented has been twisted into a tool of evil. If he had lived until today, he would be ashamed of the evil he introduced into the world.
Perhaps the most mysterious aspect of the brad is why the Company asked Mr. Gehris about the different lengths of the tines. While no documentation explaining the significance of this question has remained intact throughout the years, many theories have been put forth. Some believe it is a representation of the dominance of the male gender in society. Some say it is a reference to the extraterrrestrials who brought them, who reportedly had legs of different lengths. These theories are dismissed by leading scholars as unreliable speculation. The consensus among scholars is that it represents the Company's prophecies of the end of the world, in which two ships will come to Earth, one to save the believers, one to capture the masses for slave labor. The ship to capture the masses would presumably have to be bigger, thus the asymmetry. The truth is, however, that we may never know what the difference in length of the tines may mean, or why the Company officials that abducted Mr. Gehris were so keen on knowing the reason for his design.
While none of us are entirely safe, we can reduce the likelihood of suffering if we:
- Search our childrens' backpacks every day after school, removing and burying any brads found. (Rember to use gloves and to line the burial site with heavy plastic)
- When your children show you something they made with brads, immediately remove the brads and replace them with staples. (Again, remember to use gloves and dispose of them properly.)
- Before your children go to public schools or preschools, be sure to have The Talk with them about the dangers of brads. Make it clear that "everyone else is doing it" is not a valid excuse.
- Write letters to the editor of your local paper extolling the virtues of abstaining from brads. While the Company has a lot of influence if we unite we can probably get something through the cracks.
- Get active in your local PTA and push for the banning of brads. Remember that the status is NOT quo.
- Inform others of this and other articles about the dangers of brads. Here are some examples (do not be surprised if they are removed before you visit them. The Company is very diligent) : Brads: a preschool toy?, Jacob Gehris (Wikipedia), Americans Against Halucinogens, and How to Keep Your Family Safe in a World of Brads.
The most important piece of advice is not to panic. The GNU Public Dictatorship is fighting for you and your children, and with your help, will soon vanquish the Company forever. We will be victorious!
Welcome
Welcome to Tim, Craig and Juliana's Misinformation Campaign. Here we will push rhetoric and propaganda to new extremes in our quest to be the world's first Board of Dictators.
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