Appropriate Naming

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and that the converse is equally true. Take the city of Boggy Bayou, Florida, for example. After years of lower-than-hoped-for turnout at the annual Boggy Bayou Mullet Festival they finally relented and renamed the city Niceville. Unfortunately, the name by itself change didn't freshen things up enough for some residents, such as this lady. Her neighbor was smoking and infringing on her constitutional right to breathe fresh air, so she decided to spray air freshener at the smoker. Neither of the people involved in this incident were being very nice, even though they were in the city of Niceville. Shocking.

Proof

Clearly there are a handful of words and phrases that are often used to incite arguments or to prove that your own ideas are clearly superior to those of other people. At the GNU Public dictatorship we are nothing if not disapproving of such methods, which is why we would like to take a moment to discuss the use of the word "proof" in such a context.

One of the difficulties in living in a society where we aren't allowed to brainwash people or even simply require that they learn and use newspeak is that different ideas inevitably emerge. People, left to themselves, have an irritating habit of thinking for themselves and coming to conclusions based on their own experiences and beliefs that do not agree with the conclusions of other people. While it would be much simpler to require our supporters to act on our edicts without thinking for themselves, much of the power of the GNU Public Dictatorship is derived from the open source model, which asserts that the community can be a great asset. You can rest assured that the GPD is not going to brainwash you any time soon. Maybe when the technology has improved we can revisit it, but for now you don't have to think about it.

Anyway, the bottom line is that when people disagree about things they often request proof from one other. The problem is that proof has many definitions, ranging from testing the effectiveness of yeast to "a sequence of steps, statements, or demonstrations that leads to a valid conclusion." Unfortunately, even in mathematical proofs, the fact that the proof exists only means that the conclusion is valid given the axioms used and assumptions that were made initially. One person's proof is a silly idea from another person's perspective. Take this example of the use of the word "proof." The writer of the article clearly does not believe that the photo is proof of the existence of the Loch Ness monster, but is using the claim that it is proof to make fun of the person making the claim.

At the GPD we recognize that proof that stands independently of people's assumptions is hard to come by (in fact, we know of only a few instances of such proof, and they all involve hole punches and brads), so we suggest that more can be accomplished by sharing and understanding assumptions than by proving things based on your own assumptions.

Propaganda Tips

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence, which is why we occasionally use this forum to provide useful tips on how to do various things. Today's topic is photographic manipulation. We have reported on this before, but the focus of that post was to understand what the manipulation meant, not how to successfully pull it off. Today we will consider a list of useful tips so that you, too, can manipulate photos. We will use Microsoft's recent altered photo as an example.

1. Subtlety in photographic manipulation is paramount. The smaller the difference between the original image and the manipulated one, the less likely the casual observer is to question the legitimacy of the photo. In the case of the Microsoft case, they chose the head of one of the people in the photo, which would be great if nobody looked at the faces in the photos. Unfortunately, most people do look at the faces, so this choice proved to be a poor one.
2. Consistency in manipulation is important. Small discrepancies, such as the position of a shadow, can mean the difference between successful propaganda and embarrassing amateurish material. In Microsoft's picture they chose to orient the head in a different position, making the shadows on the person's body inconsistent. What's more, the head itself has its light source on the opposite side of the room from the other faces. If anything says "manipulated" it's shadows in the wrong places.
3. Thoroughness helps. When manipulating a photo, be sure to change all of something to all of something else. Microsoft chose to change the black man's head to white, but neglected to change the black man's hand.
4. Make sure you have a purpose. Propaganda is most effective when it has a message behind it, so be sure that your manipulation conveys your message. Either the manipulators of the Microsoft image are racist, or the message is lost. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not generous, so we'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that either their message was too subtle for us or they didn't have a message, not that they were acting out of hatred for another race. The GPD does not tolerate discrimination, so we hope that this is the case. We wouldn't want to have to add Microsoft to our list of enemies.

Smart Beauty Parlors

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping our supporters make sense of the world around them, which is why we occasionally post information about new fields of science and technology. One of these, which has been in the works for many years now but is just barely being recognized as a legitimate science, is smart beauty parlors. We have all heard of smart phones, but a recent Gallup poll conducted suggested that fewer than 5% of people have heard of smart beauty parlors, and less than 1% have ever used one.

Beauty parlors have been around for ages, with the primary goal of making people look more beautiful than they looked before they entered. Unfortunately, the idiosyncrasies of the individual beauticians and their own limited view of the world of fashion sometimes makes patrons look less beautiful than when they entered the parlor. In order to counter this risk, a young woman by the name of Janet Gottsch studied long and hard and eventually created the "smart beauty machine."

Ms. Gottsch, inventor of the Smart Beauty Machine

The smart beauty machine takes into account the weather forecast for the day, the body and face shape of the patron, the trends reported on E!TV, and the spreads of popular magazine covers to decide on the ideal style for hair, nails, and any accessories. In 1944 (when Ms. Gottsch was 17) it was lampooned in The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, and subsequently lost most of its public appeal. It took many years for it to make a comeback, and in recent years it has become quite popular in many Asian countries. We have long supported Ms. Gottsch in her efforts to revitalize the industry, and now that it's much closer we are urging you all to try it out when you see it!

Exonerated!

It is with great pleasure that we announce that over the weekend Daniel and his task force successfully located and took into custody (former) Count Quisling! Perhaps even more exciting is that we have cleared up the mysteries surrounding his apparent betrayal and the apparent lack of thoroughness in our background checks, and that the GNU Public Dictatorship is off the hook.

It was with great sadness that Daniel announced that Quisling had apparently betrayed us in late July. We weren't sure it was the right thing to do, but we figured that with our supporters on the lookout we would find Quisling much faster than we would otherwise. Unfortunately, as often happens with complex situations, we did not correctly anticipate the magnitude of every effect of this announcement. It seems that the Parent Corporation was able to leverage many more news outlets than we previously thought possible, and the backlash against the GNU Public Dictatorship was harsh. We provided more information in order to silence the fears being voiced by "supporters" of the GPD, but still our search proved fruitless.

That is, until one of our supporters noticed a ride that had been in the GNU Public Area at the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, Texas. At the Theme Park it had been called TORSO (Terrence's Open Reality Simulation Orchestrator) and it served to provide a realistic version of day-to-day life. When our supporter (who we shall call "Bert" to protect his identity) found the ride he thought it looked familiar, but it was labeled EORSO (Edgar's Open Reality Simulation Orchestrator). We were very disappointed that "Edgar" was willing to steal an open-source ride and pretend it was his own (which is, in itself, a grave violation of copyright law), so we investigated. Inside we found a relaxed Count Quisling, apparently going about his daily routine. When he saw Daniel he asked why we had softened our position on brads, and Daniel, confused, explained that we had not. The conversation continued, confusing all participants, until someone guessed what had happened.

Quisling had been somehow tricked into entering the simulator. Thanks to the open nature of the ride we were able to tell that the simulator had been programmed to simulate Quisling's daily routine and provide an ever-softening stance on brads and hole punches, purportedly from the Board of Dictators, to wear down his resistance to them. We were pleased when we realized that Quisling had not betrayed us, but we still had a great deal of investigation to do before we found out what had happened.

Apparently back in June Quisling was approached by what he considered a suspicious character. Quisling tailed him back to an apartment, where he apparently lost him. Quisling returned, apparently to work, and had been going about his duties faithfully regardless of what he thought he read on our blog. He called us several times, but was directed to an answering machine. He left several messages asking us whether we had some game plan that he should be aware of. When Daniel arrived Quisling still had no idea he had been missing for several months.

So, you ask, if Quisling was in EORSO at the time, who was the man Daniel saw fleeing from Quisling's office? The answer, as we discovered recently, was that Quisling had an identical twin who happens to be "Edgar" (the one who makes the decisions, not the figurehead) of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. Given the information we now have we know that "Edgar" himself took Count Quisling's place and tried his best to bring down the GPD from inside. Why would the leader of the UBHP take such a risk? The answer could only be that our efforts are scaring them more than they would like to let on, and that they decided to take this risk in order to discredit us.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not relieved that we didn't hire our nemesis and that the man we hired didn't betray us, and we're nothing if not pleased that the UBHP considers us a great enough threat to send their reclusive leader undercover into our midst in the hopes of discrediting us. We are also nothing if not pleased that their evil plan did not succeed, and we hope that the evidence from Quisling's office can be reexamined given this new information and yield some clues about the workings of the UBHP's leadership.

Cancer sticks: no longer what you thought

For many years now there have been campaigns against smoking, and for good reason. Smoking has been linked to a number of diseases, including cancer, and the risks from smoking seem to outweigh the benefits of looking cool or classy. Now that we as a society seem to agree that smoking is not a good thing, the anti-cancer league has latched on to a new "cancer stick:" household candles. While they admit that there are other lifestyle choices that could affect your chances of contracting cancer more, they recommend limiting your use of candles. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but we assure you that "an occasional paraffin candle and its emissions will not likely affect you."

How not to rob a bank

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about your successes in life, so we thought it might be time to provide some helpful hints on how to rob a bank. These hints were inspired by the recent experience of previously-convicted bank robber Jarell Paul Arnold in Alaska.

The first thing to consider in robbing a bank is how to get into the building without attracting attention. If you enter with a ski mask or other device to hide your face you will likely be stopped right away. On the other hand, if you enter without a mask you will probably show up in surveillance footage. Either way, your plan would be frustrated. If possible, use a Groucho Marx disguise and avoid all cameras.

Once you are in the bank you must make your demand to the teller. Standard methods include pulling a gun and producing a note that states your intent. Either method will work, provided that you don't first identify yourself to the teller. This was the primary mistake Jarell made, and it has cost him dearly. If you are wearing a Groucho Marx disguise, be sure to talk like Groucho. Incidentally, we have heard of people who used a Harpo Marx disguise, but that is much trickier as it is less likely you would be recognized and as Harpo you wouldn't be speaking.

Once you have made your intent clear the next important step is to get the money without any of those explosive ink devices or tracking devices. Asking for small amounts of cash may make it easier to get away, but it will make it harder to make a proper living. Please take this into account when deciding how much cash to request.

Once you have the cash you have to get out without being caught by security guards. Running out quickly is a good standby and has served many a robber well, assuming they have a getaway car ready. Getting away is nearly always the most important part of a bank robbery as without it you are easily caught.

Our lawyers would like us to point out that we are not advocating the robbing of banks as the benefit to society is negative, but that we are trying to help people who have already made that choice to do so responsibly.

When Zombies Attack!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we try to minimize risk by having a plan for every possible contingency, which is why we recently commissioned a study into the likely outcome of a zombie invasion. Most scientists laughed at us and said we were crazy to even consider such a thing, but they'll be sorry when the undead rise against humanity. Robert Smith? (before you comment about it, the question mark is in fact part of his name and serves to differentiate between the scientist and the singer. We think Robert Smith, the singer, may already be a zombie, so we would never enlist his help in planning for a zombie attack) agreed to help us, and modeled a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies. We are very pleased with the outcome, as they found that if we use frequent counter-attacks with increasing force we would be able to eradicate the fictional creatures. You can now sleep soundly knowing that when zombies attack we will be ready!

Excessive punishment

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with the apparent trend toward excessive punishments for minor infractions. It has always been our position that punishment ought to be commensurate with the crime, and it saddens us that we constantly have to remind government officials around the world about this. Take this case, for example, in which a man faces up to six months in jail for yawning during court proceedings. We find it shocking and appalling that he could face that long of a prison term, and have been petitioning the court to limit the maximum sentence to no more than 175 days. We hope we succeed.

Evil: an update

Over the weekend we realized that we overreacted to the virtual embodiment of evil, "E." While we still consider him a threat to the purity of the Internet, we realized that our fears were unfounded. After all, what evil character doesn't sport a goatee or a mustache and doesn't speak in a British or Slavic accent?

A new twist in the search for Quisling

Our task force led by Daniel is still tracking Quisling's whereabouts, but our other task forces have dug up something interesting. Something so subtle that our famously exhaustive background checks didn't even reveal it: Quisling has an identical twin. It took the combined computing power of three of the world's fastest supercomputers three weeks to come up with the hypothesis and it took several days to confirm, but we are certain now that this is the case.

While having an identical twin doesn't make a person evil, it certainly increases the odds. After all, we hear much more about "evil twins" than "evil selves." In Quisling's case, however, all indicators suggest that both twins are evil. As far as our research shows, Quisling was separated at birth from his twin and hasn't seen him since, but we did not keep him under 24-hour surveillance (a measure we are considering adopting because of his betrayal) so we can't be sure. Regardless of this, however, we now believe that Quisling's twin is none other than "Edgar." Not the "Edgar" who gives the speeches, but the pinkiless "Edgar" who calls the shots behind the scenes. This would explain why there are so many similarities between Quisling and "Edgar" and would explain a good deal of the motive for Quisling's actions. We are disappointed that our screening process did not catch this earlier, and we are still hoping that we are wrong, but hiring the twin of our nemesis as a count is a good deal less embarrassing than hiring our nemesis. We promise to keep you updated as more information becomes available.

Evil

As if there weren't enough evil already in the world, science has stepped up to create its own version of evil. We would like to point out that although Selmer Bringsjord is only creating a virtual representation of evil, the danger of his evil escaping its containment field is non-negligible. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilantly defending your online safety, and we think the consequences of the release of this evil upon the Internet would be unthinkable. Imagine the half-thought-out rude remarks he might make, and the cyber-bullying and spreading of material not suitable for minors that would ensue. As of yet the Internet has escaped this evil, so we have invoked a little-used clause* in our bylaws to require Bringsjord to seek help for E (his evil character) from Eliza immediately. If he does not do so, the GPD will be forced to act.

*Clause 3-B states that in situations of extreme danger to the moral fiber of the Internet the GPD may demand immediate action. If the action is not carried out the perpetrator becomes subject to immediate review by our standards committee. If the perpetrator is found lacking, the committee may decide to excise them from the standard.

An update on Quisling

Our investigation into the whereabouts of (former) Count Quisling is progressing, but is as yet incomplete. We have found, however, a note from Quisling explaining his "innocence." We're not sure we buy it, but he claims that he left his door open and that his cat came in and built the shredder Daniel saw him using. He also claims that his cat ordered brads on eBay for him and that he was trying to dispose of them. We've seen this sort of excuse before. We hope, for Quisling's sake, that he's telling the truth, but we suspect he probably isn't. We won't know for sure, however, until our special team finds him.

A deadly assault

It seems that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch is getting bolder by the minute. They shipped a load of tainted brads to an unsuspecting man who read the label on the package and soaked them in bleach before cleaning his toiled. Little did he suspect that the tainted brads contained high concentrations of ammonia. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, so we urge you to not touch any unsolicited office products. We have advised the mainstream media to not incite panic by blaming the package of brads he received, which is why you'll get a different story from them. We believe our supporters can handle the truth, so please don't prove us wrong.

We hope it's not true

Since the recent incident with Count Quisling we have been trying to piece together exactly what happened. Unfortunately, we have been unable to come to any firm conclusions as Quisling went to great lengths to cover his trail in all directions. We have investigated many leads (and "corrected" many situations we found in the process) but have yet to find "the lead" that ultimately brings him to justice. We do know quite a bit, however. We have decrypted communications between Quisling and well-placed members of the Parent Corporation. These communications have taught us quite a bit about the communication infrastructure at the Parent Corporation, but they have left us with a theory that we hope is not true: Quisling's patterns of communication with his co-conspirators against the human race are entirely consistent with the communications we have intercepted from the mysterious "Edgar". (For the curious, we mean the decision-making "Edgar", not the figurehead "Edgar"). In addition, our investigations have confirmed that Quisling had bought two prosthetic pinkies from a Canadian robotics firm. We have studied the elementary school transcripts and medical histories that Quisling provided and have found no mention of any office accidents, but close examination does show that there are six months of his life unaccounted for on his records. We would like to be absolutely clear on this point, though: we have no evidence that Quisling is "Edgar". All we have is a series of coincidences and circumstantial details. We hope that Quisling isn't "Edgar" but only time will tell. As we mentioned in an earlier post, the danger that someone like Quisling poses to the GNU Public Dictatorship is minimal, but we will be initiating a review of our hiring process in light of the apparent problems we are observing.

Working as hard as ever

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we're buy cramming what we normally do in weeks into several weeks. We hope that you appreciate our efforts, and that, unlike Sen. Richard Shelby you don't think such cramming is necessarily bad.

Initiative

While we may not always agree with the actions people take, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when we see initiative. Take this case, for example. A young boy, facing a day he did not look forward to did not simply sit down and wait for things to get better, he got his father's keys and drove his parents' car around town. Sure, he might have run over somebody in his joyride, but at least he took matters into his own hands. What's more, and I'm sure his parents are pleased about this, he is too young to prosecute, so no citations were issued. Way to work the system, little guy!

The List of Deadly Sins

We were very pleased with the response to our request for deadly sins, and we apologize that it took us this long to come up with our official list. We found it surprising that while we received millions of responses the same three items kept recurring. Short lists generally work better than long lists, so, without further ado, with the most serious sins first, is the GNU Public Dictatorship's Official List of Deadly Sins (OLDS):

1. Evil Office Product Use. Even in jest, the use of office products known to be evil can harm one's sense of right and wrong. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not against harming people (at least people who aren't evil)
2. Creating a Dictatorship intended to compete with the GNU Public Dictatorship. This sin should be pretty self-explanatory. We understand that all people have their freedom of expression, but we will not treat people as GPD supporters if they are actively opposing us.
   
3. Disrespecting the King of Pop. While the GNU Public Dictatorship usually frowns on Monarchies around the world, the Kingdom of Pop is different. It was not ruled with an iron fist, nor without input from his fans. In fact, Michael was far along the road to converting the Kingdom of Pop to a dictatorship based on the GPD model, but, alas, it was not to be. Perhaps his family and his fans will continue along that pathway. For those that hate Michael or his music, or disagree with the jury that acquitted him, please remember that it was pressure from ruling the Kingdom of Pop that caused Michael to do so many, er, interesting things.

We know that good supporters of the GPD have been following OLDS for quite some time now, but we hope that the formalization of these rules will have a positive impact on the world!

Interesting...

School has traditionally been about preparing students to succeed in the world. Presumably those with the right skills can market their abilities and make money in the real world. What we did not know, however, is that schools are also responsible for people's economic hardships. We will be watching this case closely to find out whether you can sue your mother because you didn't get into Stanford, or whether you can sue your volleyball coach because you didn't get a scholarship. We hope this case doesn't drag on for years through the courts as we are very interested in its outcome!