Keep the applications coming!

We have already received an unbelievable number of Applications for Membership in the Board of Dictators, and we hope that you will keep them coming in. Remember that you only have until Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 11:59:00 PM UTC to be considered for this year's "election." To get you excited about applying, here is a sampling of responses we have received so far:

• Darrin Kirsch of Burley, Idaho, (whose emphasis in elementary school was "Avoidance of Undesirable Elements") explained what is wrong with the status quo by stating (among other things):

  "I have lived most of my life oblivious to the threats posed by such 'ordinary' items as brads, but I had an incident a few years ago that turned my life around. My nephew had just been admitted to a very exclusive Kindergarten. Although his parents were as unaware of the threats as I was, they had never had occasion to introduce their son to the brad. Within a few weeks, my nephew was so dependent upon brads that his parents had to pull him out of that school and enroll him in a GPD-Certified Brad-Free School. It took three months to get him completely back to normal, but it was amazing how quickly he started to change. Any world in which vulnerable school children are exposed to dangerous office products is clearly not a world in which I want to raise children. Since this incident I have been a very vocal supporter of the GPD and its efforts to create the New Future."

• Natalie Eisenhower of Peoria, Illinois, (who achieved an impressive high score of 481,993 on Tetris for the NES on May 4, 1999) decided to go against the flow and argue for Democracy over Dictatorship:

  "Let me state, for the record, that I believe in the GNU Public Dictatorship, its Board of Dictators, and its mission. Even so, I believe that the average world citizen is not yet ready to be governed by such a wonderful form of government. While Democracies have had several hundred years of mostly good press, the Dictatorship is almost always vilified by other nations and by resistance fighters. Even though the Dictatorship may provide its citizens with food, shelter, clothing, health care, Internet access, and any other necessities, and even though it may be open and accessible to all of its citizens, there will invariably be individuals who, for lust of power, will try to destabilize the benevolent leaders by spreading lies about them. They will state that they are oppressive or otherwise evil, and thus lead away a resistance group and cause endless trouble for society."

  We would like to remind Natalie that these problems appear in Democracies as well, but we do appreciate her effort. Nice try, Natalie.

We appreciate all of the entries we have received, and encourage you all to remember that Tuesday is the deadline for this year. Happy applying!

Why would they do this?

We're not sure why they would think to upset the natural order of things in this way, but it appears that designers at Kimberly-Clark are intent on disrupting our lives. We are a bit ashamed that our operatives didn't have any word of this incident until today, but we think it is because Kimberly-Clark is not one of the companies we have been tracking that have ties to the Parent Corporation, the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, Darkle, or any of their affiliates. In fact, it appears that, while consistent with the goals of the Parent Corporation, this decision by executives at Kimberly-Clark was arrived at independent of their influence. We are troubled by this new development, not only because of the heinous nature of the crime against humanity (I mean, what good, moral, world citizen would want to use toilet paper without a tube? It's unnatural) but because of its apparent lack of any connection to any evil organizations. We sincerely hope it isn't the dawn of a new era of anti-social corporate behavior.

A disturbing incident

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disturbed by some of the new developments in the Parent Corporation's strategy. Until recently most of their progress was made by either brokering deals with or strong-arming organizations to cooperate with them or by trying to create addicts by exposing vulnerable members of the population to evil office products. Now, however, they are starting to resort to bizarre tactics (examples here, here, here, and so forth) to accomplish their aims. Rest assured that we are diligently monitoring these new developments and that, while we urge caution and common sense, you are not in any danger that we can quantify just yet. Unless, of course, you are of African descent and live in Paris, and then it appears that the Parent Corporation is perpetrating an as-yet unknown evil on you.

Those pesky lichens

We recently reported on the passing of Segway boss Jimi Heselden and warned our supporters worldwide to keep their NARLD devices running despite the fact that we have eradicated wild nano-robotic lichens. Unfortunately another incident has occurred that confirms our fears: the Parent Corporation is still trying to use them to disrupt people's lives. While details are still sketchy and our investigation is by no means finished, we know that Christian Kandlbauer has been involved in a serious accident. Christian was the recipient of a "bionic arm," a prosthetic that was controlled by his brain and allowed him to be independent even though he had lost both of his natural arms. Initial reports suggest that his robotic arm may have been infected by nano-robotic lichens, and the wreckage of the car was in such a state that our engineers still haven't determined whether his NARLD was working at the time of the crash. If it wasnt, we suspect that he was the next intended victim of the Parent Corporation's evil schemes. If it was, we suspect that our hypothesis that the robotic uprising is beginning may be more correct than we thought. We will keep you informed of the interesting developments in this case and will try to let you know as soon as possible whether you should set up backup NARLD devices or whether you should avoid contact with robots.

How not to shoplift pants

Next in our award-winning series of informative "How not to..." posts is a piece that should help many aspiring thieves to not get caught with their pants down. (Our lawyers are here making us state that we do not condone or encourage theft, but we think you already knew that, especially since our last crackdown on shoplifters at local GPD office gift stores. Incidentally, we thought that by offering everything free of charge as long as people would agree to share their modifications with the community we would avoid shoplifting, but we were apparently wrong.) Our discussion will center on this recent occurrence where the alleged shoplifter allegedly left his own pants (with his own wallet) in the dressing room.

The first rule of shoplifting is to have a plan to get out of the store with the item. In the case of pants, you have a few options: (1) carry them out in a bag, (2) hide them inside your clothes, (3) carry them out blatantly as if you had bought them earlier, or (4) exchange your pants for the new pants. Option 3 should only be attempted by the bravest of aspiring thieves as it requires iron nerves. Options 1 and 2 are simpler and are more suited to the novice, but still have risks. Hiding a pair of pants under a shirt or pair of pants is tricky, and bags are likely to be scrutinized by loss prevention specialists. Option 4, the alleged option of choice for our alleged shoplifter, is an option that could have been very successful, but was executed incorrectly. We think that the other options need no further explanation, so we will proceed to investigate the correct way to implement option 4.

When you choose to trade your pants for a new pair in a dressing room, the primary concern should be whether the old clothes look similar enough to the new ones that any attendants won't immediately notice the deception. The next concern should be to decide how to dispose of the old pants. If you intend to leave them in the dressing room (as our example allegedly did) you should take any personal items out before leaving them (this was our example's alleged mistake), and you should be aware of how much time you will likely have before the deception is discovered. You may need an accomplice or two to discreetly measure how often the attendants clear the dressing rooms of unpurchased items.

As with any theft, there is an element of risk. If you forget one step and leave your wallet in your pants, the police will have little trouble finding you when your deed is discovered. If you miscalculate on the similarity of the pants or on the amount of time you have to get away, you could also be in trouble. If you do decide to go through with your shoplifting plan, we urge you to be safe and to avoid the pitfalls we have mentioned. Avoiding crime is always better than committing it, but committing it intelligently is better than committing it without thinking it through.

As a final note, while we have received numerous awards for our efforts to help people avoid uncomfortable legal entanglements, some have accused us of using this series to encourage the commission of crimes. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to stopping crime, but even though we disagree with shoplifting, we know that some people will do it anyway and are thus willing to teach you how to do it (more) safely.

Trustworthiness

Yesterday we talked about the problems anger is causing in society. Today we continue our investigation into why the status is not quo with a discussion of trustworthiness. Our operatives found many instances where those in a position of authority were less than honest with society and identified this as another major problem with the status quo. A good symbol for this sort of behavior is when the organizers of the Cardiff half-marathon cut 193m out of the 13.1 mile race without telling participants. Several of the runners noticed the difference and clearly felt betrayed. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by this breach of trust and promise to do all in our power to never lie to you. Or at least to never lie to you in such a way that you would eventually find out about it.

Managing Anger

Last month we asked several of our operatives to lead clandestine survey teams to find out what is wrong with society. One of our teams, tasked with investigating the political landscape of the US, stated in their conclusions that "unmanaged anger directed in apparently random directions is killing political discourse and thereby allowing the radical elements to take over as the more moderate elements turn away in disgust." One of the team members was assaulted by an angry activist during the study, but he has since recovered fully. Several of our other teams mentioned anger as a serious problem, including one tasked with investigating the self-help community that ran across this incident where there was a stabbing at an anger management class. They stated that "far from helping people to manage their anger these classes often act as collectors that concentrate the least rational among us and exacerbate their rage." At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not angered by the lack of self-control people exercise, which is why we are asking our world citizens to manage their own anger and to report any and all incidents of unmanaged anger to your local GPD offices so that we can remedy the situation.

Application Materials

The 2010 Application for Membership in the Board of dictators is finally available. Please fill out the form in hard or soft copy and turn them in to a member of the Board. Applicants who pass the first round will be given information on how to submit their elementary school transcripts and assorted blood work. Thank you for your patience.

Submissions not received by "election" day, November 2, 2010 will not be considered. Please send the applications with plenty of time to spare. Happy applying!

The form is available as a Microsoft Word document or a PDF and in US and International Versions.

Version	Word	PDF
US	US2983-2010E	US2983-2010E
International	W2983-2010F	W2983-2010F

New Procedures for This Year's "Election" to the Board of Dictators

Due to the exceptionally high interest in applying for the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators this year we have decided to implement some changes to the process. The application kit will be available later this month, but we thought we would give you advance notice of the changes so that you can be as prepared as possible for this once-in-a-lifetime, or at least once-in-a-year, opportunity.

In previous years the applications process has been:

1. Application materials are filled out and submitted
2. The Board reviews applications, performs background checks, and verifies your financial and other personal information
3. Finalists are notified by the Board and are interviewed to determine fitness for office
4. Zero or more finalists are named as new members of the Board of Dictators

The main problem is that the static Application for Membership, while it weeds out most applicants, is not particularly useful in distinguishing among the highest-ranked applicants. In order to differentiate better among the best-qualified applicants, we are adding a dynamic step to the application process. This year the process will be:

1. Application materials are filled out and submitted
2. Applicants are contacted by our automated e-mail system and asked to submit content for this forum. This request for content will be repeated periodically while step 3 is being carried out.
3. In the meantime, the background checks and verification of financial accounts is carried out
4. Finalists are notified by the Board and interviewed
5. Zero or more finalists are named as new members of the Board of Dictators

We hope that this interactive process (made possible in part by a grant from Eliza) will help us find the most qualified candidates with less expense and less distraction from running the world.

We're sorry

Over the last few years we, the members of your Board of Dictators, have worked tirelessly to improve conditions all around the world. Unfortunately, however, we have not yet been able to make all of the reforms we had hoped. One of these still-awaited reforms involves regulating the packaging of eye drops and of other products such as nail glue and super glue. We have known since 1982 that people who have other things on their mind can become confused and use the wrong bottle, but we had hoped that no more incidents would occur while we were busy on other fronts. Unfortunately, more incidents have occurred, with the latest being Irmgard Holm, to whom we would like to issue a formal apology. We have upgraded the priority on this issue by two levels, and hope to get to it soon. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to bringing about the New Future as soon as possible, but our resources are still limited (for now) and we cannot effect all of the changes we would like as quickly as we would like.

On a related note, we will soon be accepting applications for membership in the Board of Dictators, so don't forget to check this forum often.

The Dangers of Renting Friends

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to your happiness, which is why we would like to take a moment to warn you about the dangers of renting your friends. Some might argue that it makes sense to rent a friend to show you around a new city or to take with you to a wedding or other event where you are expected to have a guest, but do not let them convince you that renting a friend is without undesirable consequences!

It has been reported in multiple studies that, while friends do generally exert a positive influence on an individual, they can also become a source of significant stress as they can either pressure that individual to conform to their expectations or become a drain on that individual because of their unending needs. Some have argued that rented friends are free from these undesirable aspects of friendship, but research shows that when someone pays to rent a friend they feel obligated to "get their money's worth" and are willing to endure the inconveniences of friendship just to make themselves feel better about the whole situation.

While it would be great if we could leave it at this and simply let you all know that you might be getting more than you bargained for, but we have seen at least fifteen incidents involving rented friends where the rented friend convinced the renter that they should experiment with brads or other scrapbooking paraphernalia. If that was all we had to tell you we would also be pleased, but we regret to inform you that in eleven of those incidents we were able to conclusively determine that the so-called friends were actually in the employ of the Parent Corporation. We implore you to please choose your friends wisely, even if you are just renting them!

How not to get away with it

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to helping our world citizens make responsible decisions. We understand that there are times they will make decisions that could have disastrous consequences, which is why we think this next entry in our series of "How not to..." is particularly useful. As a reference we use this case of three men who led police right to their secret stash. To mix things up a bit we have written it in a choose-your-own-adventure style. Feel free to read it several times so you can take all the different paths.

Start Here (1):

You are in your vehicle with your stash of illegal goods when you see the cops approaching, clearly intending to search your vehicle. If you choose to flee, proceed to (2). If you choose to surrender, proceed to (3).

Flight! (2):

You begin running away from the police, but you aren't sure where you are headed. If you choose to run to no place in particular, proceed to (4). If you prefer to run to your hideout, proceed to (5).

Surrender (3):

Upon surrender you are taken to the local police station and processed. Proceed to (6).

Running away(4):

You are now running away. Unfortunately, you have only a quarter tank of gas, giving you a maximum range of about 75 miles. In addition law enforcement has placed tire strips on your route, abruptly ending your flight. You are taken back to the police station and booked on both the evidence they would have had if you surrendered and resisting arrest and reckless endangerment and stuff. Proceed to (6).

Running to your hideout(5):

You run towards your hideout (and the rest of your stash of illegal goods). Just when you think you got away with it, the police show up and book you not only on the evidence in your vehicle, but also resisting arrest and stuff, and the evidence at your secret stash. You are taken to the police station and booked. Proceed to (6).

In Jail (6):

You are in jail. Unfortunately you do not have enough money to hire a good lawyer, so the evidence against you will probably stick. Enjoy your stay in jail. (End of story)