Guest Writer: Vlad Smith

Just a note before Vlad's post. Many of you have asked us why our post volume has decreased. The answer, simply put, is that the Guest Writer program is consuming more of our time than we thought. We have to read every manuscript the candidates produce and either approve or (more likely) reject it. The Board is also heavily involved in reviewing the details of the candidates' applications, and, unfortunately, it is our post volume that is suffering. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not sorry that our finite resources seem to be insufficient to the task. Anyway, on to Vlad's post:

It looks bad for "Nikolai"

It looks very bad for "Nikolai." In fact, it looks so bad that this is probably the last time we'll be calling him by his code name. Every investigation run by the GPD's operatives seems to turn up more and more evidence against him. The hearing to decide his fate will be held in the next few days, but with the recent crime scene that "Boris" investigated there is no room left for doubt as to his guilt. It is unfortunate that the GPD should lose such an effective operative, but these things happen occasionally.

Happy Holidays from the GNU Public Dictatorship!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not festive, which is why we would like to wish you a happy holiday season, whatever your religious beliefs. Unless, of course, your religious beliefs include brads and/or hole punches, in which case we do not wish you to enjoy your December festivities. Unless, of course, you renounce your evil beliefs and celebrate more traditional festivities. Regardless of your persuasions we hope you enjoy a brad-free holiday season!

The Repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Many of our supporters have been writing in expressing concern about how the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell affects the GNU Public Dictatorship. In an effort to respond to these questions, here's a FAQ:

Q. Does this repeal affect GPD personnel?

A. No. The GPD has never used lifestyle choices as a basis for selecting or removing personnel. Unless, of course, you count brad/hole punch use as a lifestyle, in which case we have zero tolerance of that lifestyle.

Q. Will the GPD be pressured to follow suit and repeal its anti-brad policies?

A. We don't think so. The repeal affects members of the armed forces of the United States of America. While many of our supporters reside in the United States of America and some are members of that country's military the GPD does not operate under their control. Most of our supporters identify themselves first as World Citizens and are not flexible on their anti-brad stance.

Q. Will brad users attempt to become part of the GPD by saying that "they were born that way"?

A. Most likely. The Parent Corporation has been pushing this belief on the public for several months now, and many respected publications have been printing it as if it were obviously true. We hope World Citizens will be smart enough to realize that, while brads may be addictive, each person can control his or her own destiny by choosing whether or not to use them.

Q. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves for hating brad users?

A. We don't hate brad users. We reach out to them and try to give them the information they need to decide to abandon brads and choose a life that will ultimately be much more rewarding.

Guest Writer: "Boris"

While "Boris" has been very busy investigating the recent events involving the Salad People, he has also continued to write for us. Today's post is one of his better submissions. Enjoy:

Tying it All Back Together

Recent events have, to say the least, confusing. Most of my colleagues have had a hard time parsing the truth from the fiction and deciding what needs to be done, so I thought I would take some time to tie all of the miscellaneous pieces of the story as it has developed into one whole. I hope this whole will be easy to digest.

The "abandoned" warehouses I mentioned earlier have been thoroughly investigated, and it is clear that the Parent Corporation is still using them. Indications of recent use have been discovered at each of the seven warehouses. Traces of a food-borne toxin were discovered at five of the sites, but not in quantities sufficient to determine what they were doing with it. Our disgraced operative "Nikolai" was apprehended entering one of the sites after hours, and has been conclusively linked to the Salad People. He has apparently been advocating the consumptions of salads over soups and inserting the toxin into the salads. We do not believe that he is infected by the toxin, which aims to allow the Salad People or their nefarious allies. Meanwhile, the Allies continue to plead ignorance and, unfortunately, no bullet-proof evidence has been obtained yet to link them to the conspiracy, but there is a lot of circumstantial evidence, such as the jacket discovered at a tiny Italian Taco restaurant in Weehawken, New Jersey. The jacket was confirmed as belonging to a prominent member of the Allies and contained vials of the food-borne toxin. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) the evidence has not yet convinced the Board of Dictators to sever their ties with the Allies.

I hope this recap of information has helped clarify the current situation, and that it will enable you to make more informed decisions on your next night out.

Guest Writer: Janet Ivanovna

Our final guest writer for this application year will be Chicago, Illinois, native Janet Ivanovna. Janet was in 1974 employed by the company as a hairdresser, but quit after being asked to use brads in her styling. In her words, "I couldn't believe they expected me to put sharp metal objects in their hair, so I told them I was going to quit." Her apartment was ransacked after she quit and she believes she barely escaped with her life. She changed her name and lived a relatively quiet life as a nuclear physicist in Mexico, Missouri, until January 2009 when it became clear that we had beaten the Company. At that point she contacted her local GPD office and offered her support to the cause. She has been instrumental in doubling our support in Missouri and in ensuring that the GPD is a nuclear power. Here's Janet's piece:

"Nikolai"

Many GPD supporters have been wondering why "Nikolai" hasn't been punished for his alleged misconduct and why he is still referred to as an operative of the GPD. This post will attempt to explain the GPD's policies on such incidents and the actions that have been taken. The GPD has long believed that individuals have the right to a fair trial, as being an alleged double-agent is not quite the same as being a double agent. In the case of "Nikolai" as soon as his loyalty came into question he was assigned extra observers to watch his movements and given assignments of a less sensitive nature. When the evidence against "Nikolai" became strong enough for the GPD to publicly announce it, he was temporarily relieved of duty. He has not been (nor will he be unless the allegations prove true) fired or executed in any fashion, but he has been under surveillance by other operatives constantly since the incidents. At the GNU Public Dictatorship they are nothing if not hopeful that the allegations will prove to be false, but they are also nothing if not cautious.

Contact From the Allies

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not slow to judgment, which is why, despite the allegations, we have held out the hope that the Allies are not involved in the recent Salad People affairs. As luck would have it one of their operatives contacted our trusted operative "Viktor" this morning and informed him that, while he wouldn't disclose what the Allies were working on, he could tell them unequivocally that the Allies are not working on food-borne toxins, and that the intelligence recently gathered must have been planted by someone unfriendly to the Allies. "Viktor" got the impression that they are still on our side, but no words were explicitly exchanged to that effect. We are inclined to believe that this operative is on the level, and as such will declare now that perhaps "Nikolai" had been trying to sully their reputation. We'll keep you informed.

Guest Writer: Savannah Geisel

Our guest writer for today is long-time GPD volunteer Savannah Geisel of Bath, United Kingdom. She has been a volunteer local office leader for most of her adult life and has created an extraordinary outreach program in Bath. The annual decline in brad use in Bath has been more than double the UK's national average. Savannah's knack for building a quick rapport with others and her dedication to the New Future are making a huge difference.

Confirmation

In response to recent allegations that the Allies are spreading a food-borne toxin around the GPD has stepped up its investigations. An important finding was that 83.6% of people admitted to hospitals for food-borne illness had recently (within two weeks) chosen (or been given) salad with their meal at a local restaurant. This number surprised the GPD and its operatives more than they would care to admit, and seems to be confirmation that a food-borne toxin is at work in restaurant salads.

Guest Writer: Vlad Smith

The next in our series of guest writers is Vlad Smith of Columbus, Ohio. Vlad was named Dave Thomas by his parents, but after one too many Wendy's jokes he decided to change his name to something less easy to make fun of. As Vlad himself puts it, "When I tell people I'm named after Vlad the Impaler they stop making fun of me." We asked Vlad why he changed his last name to Smith he explained, "I'm really pretty shy and didn't like all the attention I got from the unusual name I used to have, so I chose the most boring last name I could imagine. Nobody thinks twice if you say your name is Smith." Vlad's interests include tatting and auto repair, but he has always wanted to do something bigger, which is why he submitted his application for membership in the Board of Dictators. On to Vlad's writing:

Shocking!

The response to the GPD's exposure of the Salad People's tactics has been phenomenal, with eyewitness accounts naming many of their trusted operatives. Operatives "Viktor" and "Boris" have been following these leads and have found some indications of a very complex organizational structure, but what is perhaps most interesting is that they found that one of the GPD's operatives is apparently involved. "Nikolai" has been a very loyal operative for several years and started working closely with "Viktor" and the Allies earlier this year. The GPD has been concerned about his loyalty for several months, but has had no substantial evidence. The links that were exposed by "Boris" and "Viktor," however, appear to show that "Nikolai" has been willfully promoting salad at the expense of soup for some time now. What's more, they imply that the Allies are somehow involved in creating a food-borne toxin that leads people to be susceptible to suggestion, but that this toxin can't survive the elevated temperatures associated with soup or with most main dishes. If this information is reliable then the Salad People are a much more formidable threat than we had hoped. On the bright side, however, many of the Salad People might be victims of this toxin themselves, which means when we isolate an antidote it may be easy to combat the threat. As the GPD learns more information you will be the first to know. Except that everyone is the first to know since the GPD keeps its information public, but then that doesn't sound as interesting when you say it that way, so never mind my previous statement.

Independence

One reason that the GPD finds the Salad People such an interesting threat is that there is a trend toward less independent thought in society, which leads to incidents such as this. We urge all of our supporters to think for themselves, and if you find yourself disagreeing with us, please let us know. We promise that you will be allowed to have your own opinion, provided that that opinion doesn't interfere with our own aims.