How not to steal somebody's stuff

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we feel it is important to help people perform their chosen occupations, whatever they may be, as well as possible. Excellence is a trait that all of humanity can and should be striving for, and is one of the hallmarks of the New Future. We hope to reach a point where all world citizens, with our help, will be able to perform their functions excellently.

As a result of our strong feelings regarding excellence, we feel we must exhort the perpetrator of this theft to mend his ways. If you intend to steal somebody's belongings, please be sure they don't catch you on camera in the act, unless, of course, you are such a good thief that to do so is a mere taunt and you won't be nabbed minutes later by police who recognized you from the photo and see that you still have the goods on you.

Danger!

Our posts have been spotty for the last few weeks because we have been dedicating all of our resources to the analysis of data collected recently in the western United States. This analysis is now complete, and shows unequivocally that the nano-robotic lichen threat is indeed real. If you live in or near the Rocky Mountains we urge you to be on alert. We have found vast quantities of lichen in an inert state, but after analysis we were able to give them the "go" command and found that they were programmed to be very destructive, to put it lightly. Our containment perimeter was nearly breached, but we were able to contain them. We are working now on mechanisms to prevent invasion by these nefarious lichens, but we don't have anything infallible yet. If you live near the affected regions please check in with your local GPD offices daily for the latest recommendations.

The Problem with OPortunity

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to being responsive to the populace, which is why we find it a bit odd that the Parent Corporation and their cronies have decided to try a new marketing approach in which they present themselves as the friend of the little guy and try to paint us as "an out-of-touch corporation." Their statement would have to try very hard to be further from the truth. Do they have a blog? Do they have local offices where any world citizen can go and be instructed and have their concerns addressed? We think not. What they do have, is a lot of phony-shmony "loyalty programs" and "local" companies that are mere facades. As we understand it, the OPortunity MLM venture was an attempt to gain customer loyalty and to erase the stigma of being the Parent Corporation. If people feel invested in a company they won't view it as evil because that would necessitate believing themselves to be evil. Please don't be fooled by the Parent Corporation's new marketing, and please explain their ploys to any of your friends who may be considering joining them.

An update

It seems that the Multi-Level Marketing venture OPortunity was just the tip of the iceberg. Small "independent" office product stores are opening across the country, presumably as a response to the big retail chains like Staples and Office Max, but the reality is that these stores are being financed indirectly by the Parent Corporation. Darkle is extremely good at hiding the money trail, but our guys are good enough to not be fooled. (Thanks to Daniel and his signal processing teams, that is). Anyway, we would like to issue a general warning that any new office products store in your area is probably a subsidiary of the Parent Corporation, and as such should be avoided religiously. We aren't quite sure why they wouldn't have funneled their money into the bigger chains, but we presume it is because there is greater public oversight for such firms.

How not to avoid a traffic ticket

With our focus lately on trying to investigate the actions of the mysterious contractor Darkle and their connection to the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch it appears that we have left some aspects of our posts fall behind. Our lawyers have convinced us that in general we shouldn't be giving advice on how not to rob banks or other such felonies, so we thought we would take a minute to discuss how not to avoid a traffic ticket. Our advice borrows heavily from the facts in the case of Michael Rosen, who successfully avoided the traffic ticket but subsequently got himself in a lot of trouble.

The first piece of advice we have for our supporters is that if they are faced with the consequences of a bad decision or a lack of judgment it is generally better not to commit further indiscretions to remedy the first situation. We know this is a revolutionary idea, but bear with us. Michael didn't want to be cited for driving without a license, so he thought to himself, "What situations would cause me to get off the hook?" He apparently answered himself that if he were dead he wouldn't be cited, and proceeded to obtain a fraudulent death certificate and send a fraudulent witness to his court date. While he did get the case dismissed, the gravity of the new offenses was such that, when discovered, they caused him much more difficulty.

Our next bit of advice is that it is generally best to pick a cover-up that can be used more than just once. This advice is good in general for excuses, since once you have use a fatal excuse, such as your parents or grandparents dying, it becomes much harder to come up with an excuse the next time. Mr. Rosen's mistake here is that now that he has been caught for fraudulently producing a death certificate he won't be able to fake his death to get out of this one.

In general, though, the GNU Public Dictatorship is opposed to people weaseling their way out of past offenses for which they have been caught. We prefer that people own up to their mistakes and face the consequences, but we do understand that there are circumstances that make this difficult and we do allow for people to get out of trouble, but we want to be clear that we don't advocate the methods used by Mr. Rosen.

More info on the new MLM

Many of our supporters have written in to ask for more information about the new Multi-Level Marketing venture being supported by the Parent Corporation. We have to assume that they are curious about it because they want to know how to help their friends and family avoid it and not that they are interested in signing up. If you are one of these "supporters" waiting to sign up, be forewarned that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vindictive towards traitors, and proceed with caution. Anyway, in response to these requests we have gleaned all the information we can from their website and other marketing materials to present them here, in the format of a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ). We have reproduced sections of their marketing materials (in black) in addition to posting more correct answers (in red):

Q. What is OPortunity?

A. "An exciting new way to fill your fastening needs without having to resort to trips to the local office products store. We deliver premium quality office products directly to your home and save you the trouble of trying to remember them while you're out shopping for groceries."

A. A troubling new brad/hole punch distribution mechanism designed to get people hooked and, worse yet, consistently paying a subscription fee for the privilege of being hooked

Q. How does OPortunity work?

A. "Each month OPortunity sends you a package with your office supplies for the next month. They don't need refrigeration and are ready to simply open and use. You can choose what office products you would like, and as long as you meet your minimum amount your monthly membership fee will be waived!"

A. The fine print states that the membership fee is $37.84/month and that the minimum amount is based on a complicated formula (which we will not reproduce here) and essentially entails receiving three times the recommended monthly allowance (GPDRMA) of brads. or seventeen times the GPDRMA of hole punches.

Q. Is OPortunity a pyramid scheme?

A. "No. We use direct-marketing tactics to reach you without involving the middle man. This simultaneously provides more value for you and reduces our advertising expenses."

A. No. It uses direct-marketing tactics to reach you without dealing with regulatory bodies or safety inspections. This simultaneously increases their profits and your dependence on them.

We hope that this short selection has been helpful for you. We have omitted the section of the FAQ that would tell you how to contact a distributor, but we think we have covered the rest of the major questions.

A pyramid made of brads

It seems that at least some of the increased activity from and cooperation between the Parent Corporation and the mysterious Darkle was an attempt to generate some hype before they introduced their latest money-making scheme: a multi-level marketing distribution mechanism for brads, hole punches, and other scrapbooking "tools." They call it OPortunity (meaning OfficeProduct-opportunity), but it is no opportunity. The launch took place this morning at 0900 PST, so we haven't yet been able to ascertain all of the details, but it looks pretty standard. Please avoid this new MLM like you would a plague. Or brads. Or hole punches.

Speeding enforcement going a little too far

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are all about moderation in life. We understand that there are things, such as brads, that will destroy peoples' lives if we don't help them to break free of the horrible cycle of addiction, but we don't believe in executing people who have had a "fling" with scrapbooking or who have strayed from the hole-punch-free path for a while. Similarly, we believe that motorists should obey traffic regulations, but we are disappointed that the Parent Corporation, apparently aided by their new friends Darkle, have installed traffic enforcement signs that are just a bit too draconian. We are asking all responsible world citizens to call on their local municipalities to stop this madness before it gains momentum. Together we can stop this!

Too bold

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when we see people exerting their rights and taking a stand for what they believe is right, but at the same time we are nothing if not disappointed when this "taking a stand" goes a little too far, such as in this case. We realize that he was frustrated that his efforts at robbing a Wendy's restaurant at gunpoint only netted him US $586, but we think he was being obnoxious rather than assertive when he called and demanded that they keep more money in the till for the next time he robs them. The line is hard to find, and we have noticed that a good number of people seem oblivious to its exact whereabouts, but we think that people should try harder.

Increased activity

Many of you have written in to observe that it seems that the mysterious contractor, Darkle, has been appearing more and more frequently over the last month. We agree. Our suspicion is that Darkle is in negotiations with the Parent Corporation for either a merger or a buyout, and that they are trying to prove their worth to our enemy "Edgar." We don't have any hard evidence yet, but there are some of the classic indications of this sort of maneuver. Rest assured, however, that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilant and that we will keep our eyes on the situation.

A conspiracy?

Over the last two months we have been carefully observing the behavior of the Parent Corporation and the mysterious contractor, Darkle. We are not yet at liberty to disclose all that we know about their recent behavior (that would be unwise and would give them an advantage we don't want them to have), but we would like to point out a few of the nefarious things they are responsible, at least in part, for.

There is a scandal in Japan at the moment as the presumed "oldest man" has apparently been dead for 30 years. What's more, the "oldest woman" is what they call "missing." The mainstream media finds these developments puzzling and a bit amusing, but the reality is much darker. It appears that Darkle has been performing research for nearly 30 years on behalf of the Parent Corporation using old Japanese people in order to understand the effects of brads and western hole punches on traditional Asian societies. We don't have reason to believe (yet) that they are killing their test subjects, but there does appear to be a conspiracy to defraud the Japanese public into believing that their oldest citizens are still among them.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned by this latest development, but you can rest assured that we will do all within our power to rescue the aged citizens of the Empire of the Rising Sun.