If only we knew its name...

We all know that sometimes people act in a generous way in order to receive praise or glory from others, and most of us would agree that, for instance, anonymous donors are more generous than those who ask for a wing of a building to be named after them. One such "anonymous donor" is this dog (apparently a Jack Russell terrier) who, at significant risk to itself, led police to its hiding owner. We would love to name it as a Hero of the People, but, alas, it is too modest a dog to give its name to the reporters. Thanks for inspiring us, nameless Jack Russell terrier!

Unfortunate News

It seems that, while the Parent Corporation is having to resort to unorthodox means to transport their office products, that they are not in quite so bad shape as we had initially hoped. They have pushed most of their resources into their criminal affiliates and have left but a shell to be regulated by the courts as they go through bankruptcy. We have not yet been able to persuade the courts to investigate the affiliates, but we hope we will be able to do so soon!

"Viktor" and his secret mission

It has been quite a while since "Viktor" faked his own death, and since then many things have happened. "Viktor" and the Allies have been explaining to us in some detail the events that transpired before and after the apparent death of our chief operative, and we are finally feeling comfortable with explaining to you, our loyal supporters, the reasons behind this unorthodox strategy. Before we begin we must state that the Allies have requested that we keep a number of things secret as they could aid our mutual enemies. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hesitant to be anything but "Open Source," but we understand the reasoning behind the Allies' request, and have chosen, for now, to comply.

As the Allies have been fighting the Parent Corporation since before the current members of the Board of Dictators were born, it is understandable that they were able to obtain some intelligence that we had not yet been able to get. As it turns out the Parent Corporation had been working for decades to release a new and even more sinister office product early in 2010. (We would like to state what it was, but the plans have been kept so secret that only three people have ever seen the plans, two of which are already dead. The third is "Edgar" (not the figurehead "Edgar", but the real one) and so we cannot say much about what exactly it was to be) The Allies have been working to stop it for many years, mostly by infiltrating the criminal affiliates of the Parent Corporation. It seems that last year one of their operatives was asked to get rid of "Viktor" as he was apparently getting close to finding out about the new product. There was a great deal of concern over whether he had found anything, which is apparently the motivation behind the surprise infiltration of "Edgar" into our Nevada offices in the Quisling incident last year. After they confirmed that he had not discovered anything yet, "Edgar" ordered the assassination of "Viktor."

"Viktor's" father Wolfgang was concerned that "Viktor" would kill his agent, and so he made contact with him. He explained enough of the situation that "Viktor" agreed to let himself be "killed" in the hit. Over the next few weeks he was briefed in all that the Allies were undertaking and was given an important task to perform. The rumors of "Viktor's" death reached the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and because of the way we treated his disappearance they believed that everything was going according to plan.

It was at this point that the Allies plan went down. We cannot yet talk about many aspects of it, but "Viktor" was instrumental in making sure that the Parent Corporation would not be able to recover from this blow. He obtained and destroyed the plans for the sinister office product, leaving "Edgar's" brain as the only place this evil could ever emerge from in the future. They were not able to silence "Edgar" for good, but by getting the public eye on the Parent Corporation and its finances they believe "Edgar" will not be able to make another attempt for another decade at least.

We would like to thank "Viktor" for deceiving us in the line of duty and for dealing such an important blow to our enemies. We would also like to thank the Allies for being willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of society. Many of them have already been assimilated into our intelligence crew, and Wolfgang himself is now one of our chief strategists. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with our recent progress, but we are always striving to do more!

An update on the Succession Crisis in the Kingdom of Pop

Many of you have expressed concern over the last few months that the succession crisis that has held the Kingdom of Pop in its grips since the untimely death of Michael Jackson last year has not yet been resolved. Even without an heir apparent most of us expected that the Kingdom would be up and running again by now, even if it was just a temporary government. In fact, try as we might, we have not been able to get even the most basic of services up and running again, and there is no prospect in the near future of any real measurable progress. As we said, though, it's not because we haven't been trying. Now that we have had time to go through all of the records left in the Kingdom's library we can explain a bit more about what has made this succession crisis so difficult to resolve.

First of all, the Kingdom of Pop has been in decline for many years. It was managed well for a few years, but over the years it has slipped into a nearly unrecognizable state. Many experts had hoped that with the passing of the First King of Pop there would be a chance to get the Kingdom back to its original glory, but the layers of disappointment are still being unraveled today. We aren't trying to blame Michael for this decline--that would be disrespecting him and would violate our own rules. We are, however, blaming the decline on the world's reactions to Michael's unconventional approach to government.

Beyond the generally stagnant state of the Kingdom of Pop, however, is the more pressing problem of general apathy. The subjects of the Kingdom have for so many years had a government that did not respond to what they saw as the issues affecting them that they have become apathetic. A survey of 8,192 subjects revealed that a mere 14 believed that the Kingdom of Pop needs a new king in order to function. With apathy at such high levels it is no wonder that the temporary government set up by Michael's family was never considered legitimate.

A third problem is that there are no candidates for the job that compare in any reasonable way to the former King of Pop. He was so talented, quirky, and just plain bizarre that any candidate seems sadly unqualified. Experts consider two candidates (Michael's brother Jermaine and a relatively unknown singer by the name of Arthur) as the most likely choices, but as time wears on we wonder whether the Kingdom of Pop will simply be disbanded.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the decline of the Kingdom of Pop, which is why we have offered to annex it. Considering the apparent level of apathy among its subjects, however, we fear that nothing can be done and that it will simply cease to exist over the next few years.

Those scoundrels!

We knew about brads and brad paraphernalia in our public schools, but we never dreamed that the Parent Corporation would stoop to spying on school children at home! Okay, so we dreamed it, but we didn't think that even they would stoop that low. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appalled by this behavior, but we are at the same time pleased that the bankruptcy protection is causing some of these lesser-known activities to come into the public arena. We are confident that once the public knows more about the Parent Corporation that they will do the right thing and eschew them and their nefarious office products.

One more avenue of financing gone...

We are pleased to report that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has been dealt another blow. A judge has found a dozen French wine makers guilty of passing their wine off as a more expensive variety in order to increase their profits. We estimate that this wine scam has accounted for nearly half of the Parent Corporation's advertising budget in recent years, suggesting that they will have to scale back their advertising for a while. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased with these little triumphs!

An exciting development!

In a surprise (to most of the world, anyway) announcement the Parent Corporation announced today that it is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. This is a huge step in our master plan, and we are very pleased with everyone who made it a reality. We know that many of you have questions (our inboxes have been quite full), so we will endeavor to explain to you the ramifications of this historic announcement.

Q. Does this mean the Parent Corporation has been eradicated?
A. Unfortunately, no. Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection exists to keep a company afloat during restructuring. It is a sign that the Parent Corporation is unable to pay its creditors, but it does not mean that they will be going away any time soon.

Q. Could this just be a trick?
A. With "Edgar" at the helm of the Parent Corporation there is always the possibility of some elaborate subterfuge going on, but the intelligence we have suggests that the blow dealt by "Viktor" and the Allies was enough to force them to this.

Q. What do we do now?
A. As mentioned in the opening paragraph this is one of the large steps in our master plan for eradicating the Parent Corporation. We expected to reach this step later this year, but due to the surprise assistance of "Viktor" and the Allies we have reached it earlier than we had expected, which may cause some complications. We have been turning the public against government assistance of private corporations for some time now, but we are not sure that we have convinced everyone that no evil Parent Corporation is too big to fail, so we need each of you to write to your governmental representatives (assuming you have them. Supporters living in governments unresponsive to the Will of the People are exempted from this request but are being asked to stage anonymous protests to have their governments cede power to the GNU Public Dictatorship as soon as possible) and ask them to oppose bailing out the Parent Corporation.

Q. You mentioned getting governments to cede their power to you. How can we assist?
A. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not ambitious, which is why we have been involved in so many seemingly-unrelated things over the last few years. The need right now is for our supporters to explain to their friends, neighbors, and elected representatives that the GNU Public Dictatorship is their best chance for true happiness and freedom from brads and hole punches. Polls already show public opinion turning in our favor, and with a little more word-of-mouth advertising we are sure to succeed!

Q. What is the likely outcome of the bankruptcy proceedings?
A. Our lawyers have explained to us that the most likely outcome will be that the Parent Corporation will have to hide its remaining resources in apparently unrelated business ventures and that the courts will help the Parent Corporation restructure so that it can pay its creditors and return to profitability. We expect this to mean that the coordinated attacks that have been on the rise recently will be curtailed, but we do not expect the real leaders of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to cease their scheming or their smaller attacks. As of right now we have no reason to assume that the courts have been tainted by their operatives, but we will keep our eyes open.

Creativity without Brads or Hole Punches

This one's for all those members of the GNU Public Dictatorship who are just dying to show their creativity and finding themselves restricted by their inability to use traditional crafty methods. We have been working on developing a book to help you see the many ways in which creativity is not impeded by your moral choices. Enjoy!

Still more info

We have been engaged in marathon debriefing sessions with our friend and operative "Viktor" for the past several days, and it is time that we shared with you the information we believe that you, our supporters, should have. We are not yet sharing everything as there are still a few loose ends in the Allies' plan that are being tied up and we would hate to jeopardize them.

It seems that after Wolfgang Gottlieb's "disappearing" plan had been carried out that the remaining members of the nameless society met to determine what they could and should do for their families and the world. Unfortunately they were required in many instances to choose between helping their families and helping the world at large. Luckily for the world, most of them chose to help all of us. We have previously recounted much of what befell "Viktor" in the ensuing years, but with our new information we can fill in a lot of the gaps. Wolfgang's dedication to the Cause was extraordinary, and what is even more surprising is the ways he found to influence his son "Viktor" for good without revealing that he was alive. Wolfgang new that his family would be persecuted in Tocopilla, Chile, and so it was he that persuaded his wife through subtle hints that it was time to relocate to Europe. The incident with the Romanian customs official was not foreseen by Wolfgang, however, and the dark period which followed in which Angela was abused and "Viktor" sent to the orphanage were very difficult for Wolfgang. He eventually exerted some influence to get his wife away from the abuse and into a hospital while simultaneously creating the post of "Lord Victorious" at the orphanage where young "Viktor" was being held. He used this older orphan as a proxy trainer as he feared that if his son knew he was alive that both of their safety would be jeopardized.

All during these trying years Wolfgang was also setting in motion the plans which culminated only recently. Once "Viktor" escaped from the orphanage Wolfgang thought he could relax, but when Angela died shortly thereafter and "Viktor" fled to the Himalayas. Wolfgang once again had to step in, this time in providing him with a monk friend and mentor.

In the last year Wolfgang realized that his plans were coming to fruition, and that with the right set of circumstances he could make it so that his enemies would be powerless for years to come. He contacted "Viktor" while we were busy investigating the Quisling incident and explained to him everything we have just explained and more, asking him to leave us for a while to finish Wolfgang's plans once and for all. "Viktor" knew, however, that if he were to leave us that the Parent Corporation would immediately become suspicious, especially after his betrayal of the Company. He decided on his course of action: to fake his own death so as to leave himself free to act on his father's behalf.

The blow that has been dealt to the enemies of the people is a great one, and we hope to be able to explain it in more detail in the future, but for now this will have to suffice as we cannot reveal much more without jeopardizing the aforementioned loose ends.

Boredom: the new killer

We have all heard the phrase "bored to death," but most of us have dismissed it as hyperbole. Until now, the scientific community has agreed. A new study, however, links boredom to higher death rates among civil servants. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful, which is why we have dedicated this post to helping you understand the implications of this study.

Q. Should I worry if I have a "great deal" of boredom?
A. Yes. If you are often bored you should fill your life with fulfilling activities. Consider volunteering at your local GPD office or raising Chia Pets.

Q. What is it about boredom that can kill people?
A. When people are bored they are more likely to take up hobbies such as scrapbooking in which brads and hole punches figure prominently. We have long released statistics linking these activities to early deaths, and it should be no surprise to our supporters that boredom can lead to such dangerous activities.

Q. How do I prevent death by boredom?
A. The most effective means of preventing death by boredom is to stay alive.

We hope this information has been helpful!

Some fallout

"Viktor" has been pretty tight-lipped so far about the goal of this clandestine mission, but he has let us know that certain things, such as Microsoft finally fixing a 17-year-old bug, are related to his mission. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, but we do hope to know more soon!

Covering up

We know the media often engages in cover ups to try to subvert the truth about the threat the Parent Corporation poses to society, but we think making it look like this teacher had students fight for no good reason is a little too far, even if the teacher was an agent of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.

A potential ally

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to destroying evil in all of its forms, but more especially in ruining the Parent Corporation and its sinister subsidiaries, which is why we are always looking to enlist more people in our cause. With the recent success of "Viktor's" still-mostly-secret mission, we appear to have gained an important and influential ally, which, while we are working out the pros and cons of revealing specific information on this case, we will refer to as the Allies.

It seems that some 37 years ago in Chile a small group of intellectuals that included "Viktor's" father, Wolfgang Gottlieb met together to discuss the rising threat to civilization posed by the increasing use of the brad. This group met secretly for many months and organized a substantial anti-brad movement. (Incidentally, this knowledge is rewriting our understanding of the previously-unexplained dip in popularity of the brad from 1973 to 1978. We now believe that without this secret organization the brad would have overrun society before those of us currently leading the efforts to eradicate them would have had a chance)

This anti-brad movement was secretive and decentralized enough that it used no names or codenames and few knew of its existence, let alone knew anyone who was a member. Unfortunately for Wolfgang and his fellow intellectuals, the Parent Corporation learned the identity of one of the members and blackmailed him into revealing who the founding members were and that they lived in Tocopilla, Chile. Within weeks a coup had been organized and in September of 1973 Augusto Pinochet took power. While many of the disappearances were politically-motivated, the Parent Corporation took advantage of the chaos caused by the coup to seek out and destroy the secret society. Fortunately, however, the society's chief operative (Wolfgang himself) found out about the plan to have them disappeared and used the Parent Corporation's plan and implemented his own plan, which was to have the members of the society "disappeared" before the Parent Corporation could get to them. Even with his plan, however, three members of the society were lost.

Details of what the secret society (who we will now refer to as the Allies) has been doing since then are not entirely clear to us yet, but if we can believe the tidbits of information we have pieced together they have laid low and exerted their influence only when necessary (so as to maintain a low profile) but have been planning a major operation, which all came to a head last week. We know the blow to the Parent Corporation has been a sharp one as we have seen their reaction to it, but we are still waiting for "Viktor" and the Allies to let us in on the details. We hope to know more soon!

Unacceptable

Certain things are unacceptable in our enlightened society, such as persecution for any reason. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the end of persecution, but we are also realistic. We know that sometimes people claim they are being persecuted for one thing when in reality they are being punished or chastised or whatever for a completely different reason.

Case in point: this biker who was harassed by policemen for driving with a blood alcohol level of 0.16 and who had his mystical powers ruined. We have written to the officers involved in the incident to warn them to not destroy people's mystic powers in the future, but we are fairly sure that Mr. Show was not a victim of discrimination as his blood alcohol level was well beyond the accepted limit for driving.

More Information

Many of our readers were very concerned last Wednesday when we posted this correction to our story about the fate of our beloved operative, "Viktor." While most of the respondents expressed concern that we were letting our investigation be derailed by a single piece of "evidence" that we didn't release to the public, some expressed concern that we might be betraying our true purpose. In response we, the Board of Dictators, would like to state that we took a calculated risk. We have detailed statistics about our readership, which we used to come to the only statistically sound conclusion: state that "Viktor" is truly and once-and-for-all dead, ending the debate in news sources that do not dig beneath the surface, while, admittedly, arousing the suspicions of those readers who don't simply take things at face value.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we opted for this solution. We did not relish the embarrassment of having to print corrections not once, but twice, but we knew that the mission "Viktor" was on would have been irreparably damaged if his adversaries had reason to believe something was amiss. Yes, you read that correctly, "Viktor" is in fact alive and well and in the wrapping-up stages of the most important mission of his life. Our post of Tuesday hit close enough to the truth that "Viktor" emerged from hiding long enough to deliver to our operatives a message imploring us to keep silence for a few more days and that he would explain it all to us when he got a chance. We authenticated the message from "Viktor" and realized that, as only bad has come from doubting "Viktor" in the past, it could only be the truth. We have not yet finished our debriefings, but what we know we can tell you know is that (1) the mission has been a success, (2) it appears to have been in the planning stages for over 35 years, and (3) "Viktor" apparently learned much more about his past.

We are looking forward to passing on as much information to you as we can, just as soon as we get it and can verify that it won't help our enemies!