What you need to know about car door locks

A recent incident in Australia and one last year in Orem, UT have convinced us that there is a problem among world citizens: too many of us have not been sufficiently trained in the use of car door locks, especially those that are power locks. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to education, so we'll take a look at the theory of car door locks and then give some practical suggestions.

When cars were first mass produced they were little more than the carriages of the day. In fact, it could be said they were less than the carriages of the day as they did not even have a horse. As thievery had not yet been invented, the doors of the carriages and early cars (when they had them) were not equipped with locks. As time went by many new things were invented, including something called thievery. Apparently someone decided that he would, instead of working for something, take it from someone else. In order to prevent thievery, or at least stem the tide, locks were placed on car doors and keys were required not only to open the doors but to start the cars themselves. The earliest such locks required keys to both enter and exit the doors, but most modern (post 1923) cars do not require a key to exit a vehicle.

With the addition of locks, cars became a safe place to store valuable items such as jewelry. As more things were invented, someone decided to try power locks on vehicles. Now instead of manually latching each door before exiting the vehicle you could, at the flip of a switch, lock or unlock all of the doors. This innovation was initially dismissed as a fad, but is nearly ubiquitous today.

If you find yourself trapped inside a vehicle with locked doors:

• Stay calm. Panicking will likely only deplete your oxygen supply
• Locate the door(s). Most vehicles will have more than one door, so you should keep looking for doors until you have assured yourself that you have found the closest door to you.
• Find the latch on the door nearest you, and pull it to see if it opens. If it does, exit the vehicle
• If it doesn't, try any other doors you can reach.
• If none of the doors open, look for the power lock switch and press it when you find it. If the switch is ambiguous about which is unlocked and which is locked, pick one button first, then the next after you have tried all of the doors within reach again.
• If you heard a click, try all of the doors within reach as per the previous guidelines. If this still doesn't work try pushing the other direction on the door lock and try the doors again.
• If you still can't get out of the vehicle, look for the manual lock on the door(s). It is usually a post on the edge next to the window, but if it isn't there it is generally a labeled lever or something on the latch of the door.
• If you can't read the labels, stop now. Your case is hopeless.
  
• If you still can't get out and are in the back seat, try maneuvering to the front seat and repeating the whole process. The vehicle may have child locks.
• Congratulations, you have extricated yourself from the vehicle. If this congratulatory remark is premature, please stop now. Your case is hopeless.

We hope these guidelines will help prevent situations like those referenced above. If you have any specific questions or feedback, contact your local GPD office.

The Winners

We had a huge response to our contest for describing the aroma of your favorite fried potatoes, and it has been difficult and time consuming to pore over the entries and arrive at a decision. The Board met several times in order to decide this, and sadly the decision of whether or not to release to the public the Reason that brads have tines of different lengths has had to be delayed. We were pleasantly surprised at the quality of the entries (except for a few of them which have been reproduced in the footnote), and so without further ado, here are the top three:

3rd Place:

"Silky and orange with an exquisite furriness." Janet Gonzalez of El Paso, TX, describing her own recipe that she likes to serve at family gatherings.

2nd Place:

"Smooth and heady, with a twist of turpentine." Seth Franklin of Peoria, IL, describing the aroma of his favorite Burger King fries after they have sat out in the sun in his car all afternoon.

1st Place (our illustrious winner!):

"Complex and intense, with supple spiciness." Henrietta Smith of Lubbock, TX, speaking of the fries at Jumbo Joe's Burgers, aged four hours then reheated in a frying pan and served with chili.

The following entries were just awful, and we include them here for your enjoyment:

• "french fry-y" Kirby Wooton of [Location withheld for his protection]
• "salty and oily" Hannah Tremonte of [Location withheld for her protection]
• "yummy" Leah Patterson of [Location withheld for her protection]

Torture

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased of President Obama's announcements that the United States of America will no longer torture its enemy combatants. We have been working for several years to eliminate torture, and we think that now would be a good time to restate our policy on torture.

As a general rule, the GPD does not condone torture. We require our investigators to try any new interrogation method they may propose on themselves before using it on others, and if violations are ever discovered we punish them. The method of punishment for using unauthorized interrogation techniques was recently changed, but it is always a painful punishment that we, the Board of Dictators, have tried out on ourselves. The current method is to smash the perpetrator's pinkies between door jambs and a refrigerator. It may sound barbaric, but I survived the treatment with only minimal permanent damage when I tested it on myself earlier this week, so we believe it to be an acceptable deterrent.

Other than the punishment for using unauthorized techniques the GPD does not maintain a list of acceptable practices. Each interrogator is required to keep his or her own list of methods and to keep proof that they have been tried on themselves. If you have a question about a specific method you have seen an interrogator use or would like to propose a new method, contact your local GPD office. We look forward to hearing from you!

A Clarification

We are always reluctant to respond to unfounded criticism lest we lend it credibility, but these latest accusations have forced our hand. For those who live under a rock we are being implicated in the repeated disappearance of signs for Mullet Place. While we admit that we find the sign intriguing and would find it an interesting conversation piece for parties, we can say without reservation that we are not involved in any way in the purloining of these street signs. This is just another attempt by the Parent Corporation to besmirch our good name, and while at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, we have had enough.

Finally

Those of you who have suffered in silence for so long may now rejoice! The British Journal of Dermatology finally recognizes the condition that we have been informally calling Nintendo thumb for many years now! No longer will we have to hang our heads in shame! When someone asks what is wrong with us we can look them in the eyes and say with confidence, "PlayStation palmar hidradenitis."

We're not doing our job well enough, or so it seems based on the flood of e-mail messages from supporters who don't understand what's wrong with hole punches. Here are some excerpts:

"I know brads are evil, but I have a hard time believing there is anything wrong with using a hole punch now and then. I want to be a good world citizen, but I am going to have a hard time giving up my hole punches unless you can explain to me more plainly why I should."

"If hole punches are so dangerous, how come we didn't have any indication of the fact until early this year?"

"...perhaps because I had first-hand experience with the Brad Guys I found it easier to oppose them. The Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch just don't seem so sinister to me..."

I could go on, but suffice it to say that many of you are questioning whether the Parent Corporation is really the threat we say it is. All this proves, however, is that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch is infinitely more effective in its deceptions than the Brad Guys ever were. The concerns expressed in the excerpts above are typical of the concerns we have seen so we will take some time now to address them.

"...how come we didn't have any indication of the fact until early this year?"

This statement is not true. The GNU Public Dictatorship has been fielding rumors about hole punches many years and we even posted about some apparent dangers of perforation last year. There have been other signs as well. If you search for "dreaded hole punche" on google you will soon find a number of sites dedicated to the dangers of hole punches (unless, of course, the Unholy Brotherhood has exerted their influence and removed the sites). The reason that we have been more vocal about them this year is that the collapse of the Company brought us a wealth of new information about them.

"The Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch just don't seem so sinister to me..."

That's what they want. The Company were amateurs compared to the Parent Corporation. Evil is hardly appealing if it advertizes itself as harmful and destructive. To truly do evil and do it well, evil must advertize itself as something good. The Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch have been working tirelessly for years to make their ugly and hideous deeds seem normal and harmless. Do not be deceived.

"I want to be a good world citizen, but I am going to have a hard time giving up my hole punches unless you can explain to me more plainly why I should."

The most fundamental reason to quit using hole punches cold turkey is that the Parent Corporation doesn't want you to. We understand, however, that given the confusion surrounding them at this point that perhaps this reason isn't enough of a motivation. There are a number of lesser reasons, including:

1. For your health. hole-punch-related diseases kill more people every year, and despite advances in medical technology the death rate for those affected is also increasing consistently.
2. For your well-being. hole punches and hole punch accessories are expensive, and quitting can allow you to put your resources into something more worthwhile.
3. For your neighbors. While you may not believe that hole punches are patently evil, your neighbors probably do. Every time they see you use a hole punch they are less likely to approach you and offer help in times of need. They may even believe you to be a supporter of the Unholy Brotherhood.

We hope that this post has helped shore up the movement to rid ourselves of the scourge of hole punches. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to a better society!

How not to evade the police in a high speed chase

We received such a positive response to our suggestions on how not to fake your own death that we decided to post about how not to evade the police in a high speed chase. We will focus primarily on the not-quite-so-stellar attempt at evasion here, but the comments should aid those who are contemplating taking similar action.

While the details are sketchy about what she was doing, when an officer approached her she refused to roll down the window, choosing to instead stare at the officer and then try to escape, which brings us to the first rule:

1. Know when to run from the police, and when to talk to them. In most cases it is easier to deal with a moving violation or even a court appearance for a misdemeanor rather than to get caught after a high speed chase. The intelligent would-be criminal should evaluate the risk of being caught and weigh that against the penalty for being caught before the chase begins. Only if there is a reasonable chance of escaping from the police should any attempt be made to outrun them.

After running, our perpetrator tried a tactic which seemed to work very well. She kept her lights off, causing the pursuing officers to worry that she was endangering herself and others, and to call off the chase. This brings us to rule number two:

2. If you are in a high speed chase, give the police reason to call the chase off. In the E.T. the children on bikes who were trying to run away with E.T. tried going on roads inaccessible to the police, which seemed to work for a while, but eventually they returned to accessible roads and had to rely on the powers of an extraterrestrial being to fly over the cars of the law enforcement.

After the chase was called off, our woman kept driving recklessly and caught the attention of other officers. This was not ideal, and brings us to rule three:

3. If the chase has been called off, either get off the road or try not to call any more attention to yourself.

And finally, rule four:

4. If you are still being followed, don't stop to valet park your vehicle. You will be caught.

We hope these suggestions will help people avoid high speed chases, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic and we understand that people will have high speed chases no matter what we say.

A boring law suit

One thing that the GNU Public Dictatorship will work tirelessly to limit is the frivolous lawsuit. Such lawsuits are brought by lawyers against corporations with the hope that rather than mount a legal defense the party being named will settle as it will cost them less than clearing their name. While at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe in nothing but fair trials and justice, we believe that frivolous suits (as judged by a panel appointed by the Board of Dictators) should cost the party bringing the suit something. We're just not quite sure what we can take from them without crossing the "cruel and unusual punishment" line.

There have been many examples of such lawsuits, but this one, recently dismissed by a judge, is a great example. In it Mr. and Mrs. Boring (no, I'm not making the name up) tried to sue Google for making their home worth less money by posting pictures of it on their street view service. Even if the home were boring, the Boring's could have asked Google to remove it at any time. Instead, they chose to endure the mental suffering and eventually sue Google.

Spoon cancer, the silent coat killer

While going about my business last week I was surprised to feel an abnormal lump in the sleeve of my coat. It was about six inches long, firm, and rounded at one end. Knowing, as you all do, the symptoms of spoon cancer I quickly made an appointment at the nearest coat medical center. X-rays confirmed the presence of a tumor in my coat sleeve, and subsequent examinations showed that it had not yet reached a malignant state. After a successful operation my coat is recovering well, and doctors say it will soon never know that it was so close to death. Luckily, I took my coat health seriously and had attended my last coat checkup in March of last year.

While my story is not exceptional (the number of coat deaths due to spoon cancer has been on the rise, with diagnoses increasing steadily over the last decade, and up 77% last year alone) we hope it will motivate our supporters not to miss their annual coat checkups. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to coat health, and we feel that it no coat should have to die of a fully treatable condition just because the owner might not have access to coat health care. Consequently, we are instituting a program at all of our local GPD offices where any person regardless of political affiliations can receive an annual coat checkup at no cost to them. Just to show how seriously we take spoon cancer, we'll even check coats for members of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch!

The Great Magenta Debate

There has been a lot of controversy online about magenta lately. No, we're not talking about the character from Sky High who could transform herself into a guinea pig when needed, we're talking about the color, or as one side of the controversy would say, the non-color.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we did not want to enter this fray, but with the increasing intensity of argument on both sides of the debate we decided it would be unwise for us to let this run its course as a large percentage of the world's population would have to be sacrificed before any agreement was reached. We would like to state unequivocally that magenta is a color. If anyone asks, tell them "The GNU Public Dictatorship has approved the color magenta." If they still resist, inform your local GPD office so that appropriate action can be taken.

For those who are satisfied with our pronouncement, you may cease reading right now and go about your life. For those few dissatisfied citizens, we will now provide a brief outline of the reasoning that led to this debacle and the true line of reasoning that will resolve it.

It seems that some bright student of physics noticed that the spectrum (the collection of all of the visible wavelengths of light), which starts with red and ends with purple, and the color wheel are not equivalent. The color wheel is a wheel, and is much like taking the spectrum and making it into a circle. This act places purple and red next to each other and creates the intermediate color magenta (along with many other shades of purples and pinks). This student then decided that if something does not appear in the spectrum (or that it is not composed of a single wavelength of light) it is not a true color. While it is true that magenta cannot be composed of a single wavelength of light, there are many other colors that we perceive that are composed of multiple wavelengths. It is very important here to distinguish between "wavelength" and "color." If people understood this distinction the debate would likely vanish in a proverbial puff of smoke.

The bottom line is that color is an act of perception, while wavelength is a scientific description of the properties of light. Colors are perceived, they do not exist on their own. Wavelengths of light exist on their own, and any perception of the wavelengths may or may not be accurate. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we hope that this clarification will end the debate once and for all.

Is this really a good idea?

With all of the problems we're already having in the corporate world, we at the GNU Public Dictatorship would simply like to ask, "Is this really a good idea?"

Moderation

We know that our local GNU Public Dictatorship offices warned people that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch may be targeting their pets, and we appreciate that many of you have taken steps to protect them from hole punches. We would like to make it clear, however, that we are not in favor of taking this "protection" to the extreme, as in these two cases(one and two). Please remember that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are big believers in moderation.

Some elegant descriptions of your favorite fries

The response so far to our contest has been exceptional. Here are some of our favorites:

• "Woody and round, with a small taste of dry corn starch." James Mansfield of Yakima, WA, speaking of the fries at his local Ron's Tacos and Burgers.
• "Complex and intense, with supple spiciness." Henrietta Smith of Lubbock, TX, speaking of the fries at Jumbo Joe's Burgers, aged four hours then reheated in a frying pan and served with chili.
• "Light and honeyed with a hint of citrus." Craig Olson of Omaha, NB, speaking of the most excellent of his favorite homemade fries. He cleans the potatoes and then ages them for exactly 3 1/2 hours before slicing them and frying them immediately using a secret blend of oils and spices. The fries sit for exactly 36 seconds before being served.

We thank you for your participation, and would like to remind you that there is plenty of time left for submissions!

Update: Virus warning

Our investigations have revealed that the disks received by Franklin and Jill were in fact infected by a virus, but that their quick action made it easy for the hospital's scanners to clean them. There appears to be no permanent damage, but they will need to report for observation once a month for a while as we found that the virus on the disks activates itself every tenth day of every month at 10:10 am. If they were infected in some subtle way not detected by the scanners the doctors should be able to take immediate action then.

Again, we urge all of our supporters to be cautious and not open attachments purporting to be pictures of hot celebrities or puppies, cheap medication, long-lost friends, or cute or entertaining slide shows. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not vigilant!

When to call emergency services

Our report about the Parent Corporation's potential virus mailings seems to have alarmed people more than we had expected, and it appears from some of these reports that people are calling emergency services (9-1-1, 112, 999, etc.) too often. The general rule is that you should refrain from calling emergency services unless it is an emergency. We will attempt to give some simple guidelines to help clarify this.

• If something or someone is threatening your life or the lives of others, it is probably an emergency.
  
• It is not an emergency when the local Jack-in-the-Box runs out of lemonade. It may be disconcerting, and it may be frustrating, but even if the EMTs were to come out they are not equipped with replacement lemonade syrup.
• If someone is injured and needs immediate medical attention, it may be an emergency.
• If there is a fire threatening or consuming a man-made structure, it is probably an emergency.
  
• If you receive something suspicious in your mail (not e-mail), such as the hole punch disks described in our post or a suspicious white powder, it may be a good idea to call emergency services.
  
• It is not an emergency when the clerk at the local convenience store clerk refuses to sell you beer. Again it may be frustrating, but emergency services is not (generally) in the business of providing alcohol to citizens.

We hope these guidelines will help our supporters to know when it is and when it is not appropriate to call emergency services. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not socially conscious!

An invaluable service

Many of our supporters are constantly wondering when the large hadron collider will finally destroy the world. We have heard many reports of people calling repeatedly to Switzerland (and in the process running up huge phone bills) to find out whether the world still exists. Thanks to some bright individuals, you now have an alternative in http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/. If you check it often enough you just might be the first person to know when it destroys the world. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased by the foresight of the creators of this site.

For the aspiring snob

For centuries now the connoisseur of fine wines has been worshiped as the pinnacle of both class and snobbery, perhaps because of the high price tag of learning to be a connoisseur. All of this, however, is about to change. New research commissioned by the Potato Council for National Chip Week is showing that perhaps being a snob is not out of your reach. As it turns out, the smell of chips (or french fries as they are commonly known in the US) is rather complex, and the different variables of what type of potato and what cooking method are chosen can create a wide variety of aromas. Rather than try to rephrase his ideas we'll quote Dr. Graham Clayton here:

Whether oven-cooked or fried, the humble chip doesn't smell of just chips - the aroma is much more complex and probably explains why chips are everyone's favourite.

One might not expect to find butterscotch or cocoa aromas in chips, but it has to be remembered that these are one part of the overall aroma.

Perhaps these findings will see chips treated like wine in the future - with chip fans turning into buffs as they impress their friends with eloquent descriptions of their favourite fries.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we would like to invite all of our supporters to submit their best eloquent description of their favorite fries. Please submit them here or to your local GPD office by February 20, 2009. Remember to include your name, where you are from, and where you got the fries you are describing. If any special aging or other techniques were used, please mention them as well. All participants will receive a 50% off coupon good at the GNU Public Theme Park in Corpus Christi, TX, and the lucky winner will receive a GPD mug and mousepad. The winners will be announced on February 27.

Virus Warning: Puppies!

Since its creation e-mail has often been a tool used by unscrupulous individuals to wreak havoc on the lives of others. Some send attachments with names like "reallyneatpics.exe" or "verycute.exe" to trick people into executing their malicious code. Others use a feature of SMTP which allows them to masquerade as anyone they like so that they can appear to the receiver to be some reputable institution. They then use this perceived reputation to trick users into visiting web sites that ask for personal information. Most of us are familiar with these tactics and have learned (sometimes painfully) to avoid them.

Recently we have learned, however, that the Parent Corporation is starting to use some of these same tactics with standard or "snail" mail. Franklin Escobedo of Tulsa, OK and Jill Horowitz from Salem, OR have been hospitalized as a precaution after receiving what we believe was a virus sent by the Parent Corporation. The letter they received had a return address of

Your hot frend
339 Bogus Ln
Boiserwq, ID 83702

The first tipoff for the wary is that Boiserwq, while it is similar to Boise, is not actually a city in Idaho, and that "frend" has been misspelled. Upon opening the letter they read a short note, reproduced here:

Dear friend,

I'm so glad we met each other last week in that place you like to go. I know how much you like pictures of cute puppies, so I have enclosed some. Please see the attachment.

XOXO,
Your Hot Friend

Most people at this point would be suspicious about the lack of detail, but our unfortunate victims were careless enough to open the enclosed envelope to see the pictures of the puppies. Unfortunately, there were no puppies. There were only circular disks of paper made from hole punches. These disks were scattered around the room when they opened the pouch, sending our victims into a panic. They did call emergency services and after the cleanup were taken to the hospital and put in quarantine. We haven't as yet found anything nefarious on the disks, but we are treating this as a virus until we can thoroughly analyze the disks to ensure that they will not be made part of a botnet or have their personal info stolen, or perhaps have their memories corrupted.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disturbed about this new attack by the Parent Corporation, and we urge our supporters to resist the urge to look at cute pictures of puppies.

A robbery without honor

Police in Colorado Springs have released photos of a suspect using what they call a Klingon-type sword. What they didn't mention is that this robbery has no honor, and no self-respecting Klingon would wield such a poor imitation of a bat'leth (or "Sword of Honor" in Klingon). We are sure that he is an agent of the Parent Corporation and that he is trying to lead away our unsuspecting youth to a life of crime, but we believe that the Parent Corporation was lax in performing their research and that any self-respecting Star Trek fan would immediately recognize that the weapon was no bat'leth (it was probably purchased or taken from a convenience store in recent weeks) and that instead of being "cool" he just looks foolish. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that if you are going to perform a robbery it should be with honor, although how to perform a dishonorable act with honor is going to be the subject of many philosophical debates...

Persistence

We would like to formally recognize one of our supporters for her great example of persistence. Cha, a South Korean woman, has long sold food and household items to make a living, but the handcart she has been using has been feeling more cumbersome all the time. Consequently she has been working on getting a driver's license so she can purchase a car and use it instead. In this process she has already taken the written portion of the examination 771 times, failing each time. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not impressed by her example, and we hope that each of you will follow your dreams with as much tenacity as Cha!

The official car of the GPD

The Board of Dictators has met to decide on the official car for the GPD, and we have decided on the Peel P50, shown below. While there were many cars in the running, the Peel P50 won out due to its many benefits, including its superior fuel efficiency (an estimated 83 mpg). Other benefits include:

• It has three wheels, reminding us of Mr. Bean's three-wheeled nemesis
• There were only 50 ever made, so it won't be a car your neighbor will own
• The car can be picked up and moved when necessary
• It only has one door, so you won't forget to lock the passenger side door
• It can hold a driver AND a shopping bag!
  

The dangers of (re)acting too quickly

Recently a cabbie in New York City was attacked by passers-by as he tried to force a group of women to pay him for the ride they had taken in his cab. The cabbie had taken one of the women's purses, but let's take a step back and study the situation.

The passers-by were in a vehicle that drove by as the cabbie grabbed one of the women's purses. At this point the only information they had was that the women were upset that the purse had been grabbed and that the man had grabbed it. They had several options available to them:

• Do nothing. The passers-by apparently wanted to aid the damsels in distress, so this was not a viable option
• Stop the car, get out, ask some questions. If the passers-by wanted justice, they should first have determined who was the criminal. They could have asked a few quick questions to ascertain the situation before they took any action.
• Detain the cabbie. Rather than beating up the cabbie, the passers-by could have just detained him and made him give the purse back. If they were able to beat him up and then flee, they certainly could have detained him instead.
• Beat the cabbie up without ascertaining the details of the situation.

While the last option is certainly the most satisfying to vigilantes, it is also the most destructive action they could have taken, and demonstrates the dangers of acting too quickly without understanding the situation to which one is reacting.

With the current economic crisis, many groups are advocating one plan or another to stimulate the economy, and almost all of them say we must act quickly before something bad happens. The truth of it is, however, that they know little more about the effect their stimulus will have on the economy than these passers-by knew about the cabbie. Doing something about the economy is satisfying, but is any old something what we really want to do?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not careful. Our Board of Dictators meets to discuss all of the problems facing society, and we carefully consider every move we make (except for that odortising thing...that slipped through somehow). Rest assured that we are not like the passers-by in this story, and that we try to understand the circumstances and the probable impact of our actions before we act.

Results of the Special Board Meeting

Many of you have written in to know whether we decided to release the Reason brads have tines of differing lengths. We did hold our special board meeting on the 31st of January, but we ran out of time before we were able to reach a conclusion on the issue. Many important questions were raised, and several subcommittees were formed to research parts of the issue. We expect the subcommittees to report their findings soon and once they do we will schedule another special board meeting to discuss their findings. The most important thing for you world citizens to do is to let us do our job and trust that at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to improving your lives!

An Outsourced FAQ

We would like to announce that we have outsourced our Frequently Asked Questions department to a nice lady who calls herself Eliza. Below is a small sample. We hope it is as informative for you as it is free for us. (Wait, can it be called outsourcing if you don't pay them?)

Frequently Asked Questions about the GNU Public Dictatorship:

• I do not understand why I should want a Board of Dictators.

Why do you not understand why you should want a board of dictators?

• Perhaps because the idea has never been explained to me

Why the uncertain tone?

• I'm unsure of whether I should support the GNU Public Dictatorship

Does it please you to believe I am unsure of whether you should support the gnu public dictatorship?

• as a matter of fact it does not

Please go on.

• What does the GNU Public Dictatorship offer that I can't get from other government options?

Does that question interest you?

• yes

You are sure?

• of course

Please go on.

• Why shouldn't I throw my support behind a Democracy?

Why do you say your support behind a democracy?

• I didn't. I talked about throwing my support behind a democracy

Why do you say your support behind a democracy?

• I don't

Why do you not?

• because that doesn't make sense.

Do any other reasons not come to mind?

• Well, perhaps because it is brilliant does not come to mind.

Why the uncertain tone?

• I thought this was a Frequently Asked Questions where I got to ask the questions.

Can you elaborate on that?

• This FAQ is worthless

Please go on.

• No, I'm done.

You are being a bit negative.

• I wouldn't have to be negative if you were reasonable

Do you wish that I was reasonable?

• yes I do

You are sure?

At this point the logs show that our worker ended the conversation with Eliza. We know it's not perfect, but any FAQ is better than no FAQ, right? Also, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for the welfare of FAQ writers such as Eliza!

The Wrong Approach

The information explosion has left many people trying to grapple with the complexities of modern life, and perhaps the most common method used to avoid going insane amid the pressures is to abstract the complexity. Most of us don't look at a television and try to understand how the signal is encoded by the camera and transmitted through the air until it is received by a digital tuner that somehow translates the signal back into a picture to display on the screen. Instead we abstract it by declaring that "someone has solved the problem of television signals, and I'll just accept that it has been solved until I am required to understand more for some reason." I would even venture that few people take the time when they make their toast in the morning to think about the processes involved in making their bread warm and toasty.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that such abstractions are a necessary part of living in the modern world and that without them most of us would either go insane trying to understand our gadgets or just get rid of them altogether. We do not, however, believe that people should feel empowered to actually simplify things that they do not understand (assuming of course, that they were not the creator or owner of the thing they do not understand). A recent example in Birmingham, UK illustrates this false sense of empowerment quite well. Because the city leaders don't want to understand the grammatical rules surrounding the apostrophe they prefer to get rid of it altogether, at least within the confines of their influence. This concept, followed to a logical conclusion, does not make a whole lot of sense. No TV manufacturer would suddenly declare that digital signals are too complex, and they are going to ignore important sections of the specification. It just doesn't make sense. Rest assured that no such things will happen under our stewardship.

What shall we do with a drunken sailor? Exchange him for a grumpy pirate!

In an odd twist of censorship, a government-funded book project in the UK has remodeled another beloved nursery rhyme to make it more palatable to our children. Previous censorship of nursery rhymes in the UK have included neglecting to give an award to the story of the three pigs (it might offend Muslims) and changing "Baa baa black sheep" to the less racially offensive "Baa baa rainbow sheep". Now "What shall we do with a drunken sailor?" becomes "What do you do to a grumpy pirate?" leading us to ask the question of what is next. Four and twenty rainbow birds baked in a pie? Little Jack Horner sitting in a corner eating his not-religiously-afiliated pie during the month of December? Three visibility-impaired mice? At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to helping everyone feel comfortable in society, but we do not believe that drunken sailors, black sheep, or pigs will corrupt our children's minds or incite them to violence against their neighbors.