Some more information

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for your support, as the open source model demands the participation of all.  After our post yesterday about the Paper-Based Junkmail Distributed Denial of Service attack (PBJ DDoS) we received a great deal of information from you, helping us to fill in the missing details.

Many of you indicated that you had been recruited via paper mail to send letters on behalf of a mailing company, and that you had been promised that you would receive compensation for the materials.  All but a very few of our supporters ignored the letter and soon forgot about it.  A few of you, however, did as the letter suggested.  (Note: Our lawyers would like to point out that those who did as the letter suggested are more aptly labeled "former supporters" of "provisional supporters" as their lack of judgment in this case calls into question their fitness for the New Future)

Based on our research, it appears that the entity behind this campaign was none other than the New Company, and that they thought they would avoid our scrutiny by using nearly-obsolete paper mail.  They did use one of their sister companies to avoid the liability from the sure-to-come lawsuits, but it was clearly carried out on the orders of the New Company.  They appear to have purloined postage from several legitimate enterprises to send their solicitations, and they appear to have, not surprisingly, not paid any of their recruits.

The total cost to the New Company for this attack, then, was minimal.  They effectively distributed the postage cost to their recruits, and they even made the recruits use their own toner and paper to print the letters, essentially creating a botnet out of unsuspecting individuals around the world.  We had hoped that some of the letters had come from actual robots, but I guess we can't always get our way.  Here's hoping that next time someone launches a PBJ DDoS that it will use real robots!

A Paper-based Distributed Denial of Service Attack

In yesterday's post we alluded to "technical difficulties" that have kept us from posting regularly to this forum.  In fact, we hadn't been able to post here since August 22, 2014, and before that May 16, 2014.  This was not, unfortunately, by design.

In early May of this year our local GNU Public Dictatorship offices around the world began to report an elevated level of submissions via paper mail, and asked for some extra assistance getting through the correspondence.  Consistent with the GPD's operating guidelines, we began to distribute our staff around the world and asked them to help with the massive influx of paper mail.  This approach appeared to work quite well initially, and our posts continued as normal, but as the volume increased at local offices our staff became more and more spread out, and, unfortunately, the communication lines we normally use to keep this sort of attack from being effective were strained so much by the influx of paper mail that it began to break down.  During the weekend of May 16, 2014, these communications were completely cut off, but we didn't learn of the lapse in communications for another four days.  At that point, we switched gears into incident cleanup mode, but due to the volume of mail and the unfortunate distribution of our staff it took several months to get the lines of communication back up.

We believed we had stabilized the situation and we were able to post on August 22, 2014, but it soon became clear that another wave of attacks was just beginning.  This time we were much more prepared, but due to the nature of the communication we receive it became apparent that we couldn't just recycle all of the correspondence we had received.  It has taken the last two months to clean up the piles of paper mail we received and to simultaneously implement some controls to prevent this situation from occurring again.  At this point we believe we have the protocols in place to not be taken by surprise again.

We have learned several lessons from this attack, but the outstanding questions we are trying to adequately answer are:

1. Why would someone launch this attack, at such great expense to themselves as postage for billions of letters starts to get expensive?
2. How many people were involved?
3. Were the people involved part of a botnet?
4. Were the people involved actually robots?

We do know that the attack was a well-coordinated distributed denial-of-service attack, the likes of which are unprecedented in the world of paper mail, We will provide more detail as we get it!

"Elections" are coming up very soon!

As most of you are already aware, the "elections" to the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators are coming up next month.  The deadline for applications to be considered is Saturday, November 8, 2014 at midnight UTC.  Due to some technical difficulties that will be expounded upon in future posts we have not been able to post about this in this forum, but, lest you complain about the short notice let us remind you that this information has been available at your local GPD County Offices for several months, and had you been a more active participant in world affairs you would have known about this earlier.

As a quick reminder, the "elections" to the Board of Dictators are not your typical democratic elections.  Instead they combine the best of democracy, the open-source movement, and the management practices that high-performing corporations and dictatorships employ and that universities use for admissions.  The first step is the application, which is about as democratic as it can get.  Anyone is welcome to submit an application, and there are no fees to process the application.  The next step is a thorough review of the applications.  The purpose of this review is to separate the "serious" applicants from those who are applying for the wrong reasons.  This is not, however, a thorough background check; it is more like a checksum or a consistency check on the application.  We don't verify that everything you say in your application is true and that you, the applicant, is who you say you are.  We simply verify that the application taken as a whole makes sense and appears to be complete.  Once the serious applicants are identified, the claims made in those applications are evaluated in depth.  During this evaluation the applicants are notified that they are being seriously considered for membership in the Board of Dictators, and various "tasks" are assigned to them and their performance evaluated.  These two steps are probably the third and fourth steps of the process, but they are so intertwined that it's hard to say which is the third and which is the fourth.  The fifth step, should it be necessary, is to take any applicants who have performed adequately on their "tasks" and whose claims are awesome enough to warrant it and to discuss them in a special formal meeting of the Board of Dictators.  If a qualified applicant is found and all members of the Board of Dictators agree that the applicant is a good match for the GPD, the applicant is made a provisional member of the Board of Dictators.  If they continue to perform adequately, they will be made full members of the Board of Dictators at some future time.

As you can all see, this process is clearly better than a simple "first past the post" election system, where voters are often asked to choose between terrible candidates but are not given the choice to say "none of the above."  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence!

Application materials are available here (note that they are the 2012 forms, which is okay as no applicants were "elected" during that cycle):

Version	Word	PDF
US	US2983-2012M	US2983-2012M
International	W2983-2012J	W2983-2012J

Unrest and unease

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to a fair, equitable, and violence-free New Future, which is why we are exerting our influence to make things better.  Unfortunately, there are times when our efforts to improve your lives and ours sometimes require frustration, pain, or suffering from World Citizens.  Now is one of those times.  We have been working tirelessly to prepare the world to accept the Board of Dictators as the supreme rulers and benefactors, but in order to radically change the status quo we first have to shake up the current political organizations.

Some have called on us to stop the standoff between the US and its allies and Russia, others have given us a hard time for not having resolved the Syria situation or the rise to power of the ISIS movement in Syria and Iraq, and some have even criticized us for not ending the conflict in Gaza yet.  While it pains us to see any World Citizens suffer, any philosopher who isn't lying to himself would have to agree that the benefits to all of the world's people through the GPD outweigh the inconveniences suffered by the unfortunate.  Even Mr. Spock agreed that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

As with any great Cause, the New Future comes with a price.  As members of the Board of Dictators it pains us to see any suffering, but if we intervened in every such situation our computer models suggest that

• Our credibility would decrease, as human suffering is not wholly preventable.  While many of our efforts would be effective, those where we couldn't stop the suffering would reflect badly upon our organization, and serve to alienate potential supporters, making it less likely to succeed every time we intervened.
• Our carefully laid plans would come to naught as governmental organizations that have heretofore ignored us would start trying to make our ascent to power more difficult.
• Instead of welcoming the New Future we would constantly be patching holes in the Old Present.  There simply aren't enough of us yet to eliminate all of the world's suffering.

To be perfectly clear, we do intervene whenever we believe the threat to humanity outweighs the risks we undertake, and we always oppose those organizations that come out in open opposition to the GPD, but we cannot be held responsible for governments that can't seem to play nicely with each other.  In fact, perhaps their squabbles will serve to open doors for the GNU Public Dictatorship and improve all of humanity!

Another failed bank

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, which is why we have always recommended properly researching where to keep your money, lest you not find it there when you want it.  Unfortunately, many people don't check out the banks where they deposit their money, and we have another sad story to report, where someone lost US $40,000 in a bad investment in a couch.  When she began having health troubles, her family decided to donate the couch to charity, as she wouldn't be needing it.  Fortunately, for her, the young women who found the money were kind enough to return it to her, but it could have been a very unfortunate depletion of her retirement account, all because she didn't check out the solvency and permanency of the couch before depositing her money there.  At the GPD we are extremely pleased that the money was returned to her, and we hope our supporters will follow the example of these model world citizens!

Cabbage (Patch?) Kids (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not shocked and appalled at the recent behavior observed in China, and even more than shocked and more than appalled at the light way in which people are treating it.  Some have suggested that this is simply a way for lonely teens to overcome their loneliness, but it smacks of an evil mind-control plot to the GPD and our operatives, and you can rest assured that we will investigate this to find whether the New Company is behind it at all.  It could be any number of things, ranging from simple hypnosis or hooliganism to a concerted effort to defraud the world.  Besides, it simply isn't decent to keep vegetables in bondage, especially since we have made such great strides toward true equality.  We hope that our supporters will spurn such trends and instead find happiness through other, less vegetable-filled means.

Churros for all!

"Edgar" has been at odds with the GPD for a while, now, and in our latest row he has decided that he doesn't want his patented churro recipe, and has given it to us.  We are currently filing for the destruction of the patent so that all may enjoy delicious churros royalty-free!  Oh, and "Edgar" has given his operatives instructions to do whatever is necessary to get us to capitulate, but, just so you know, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not firm in our correct decisions, and we will resist all such attempts, whatever they may be.  Let us know if you see anything suspicious, and together we will keep "Edgar" from enslaving us all!

"Edgar"

Since last Friday's letter from "Edgar" we have received repeated text messages, phone calls, emails, and visits from couriers demanding that we comply with his demands "or else."

We are not going to comply, so we have asked our operatives to be looking out for the "else" and ask you, our loyal supporters, to do your best to be vigilant and careful, and to report any suspicious use of brads in your neighborhoods!

A letter from "Edgar"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we have been nothing if not patient with "Edgar", but when he took a leading role in the New Company we had to finally admit that he has gone too far, and that he probably won't be turned into an ally against evil.  His wife, the former GPD operative "Natasha" has been trying to get us to accept him for what he is and to not vilify him, and for the most part we have respected her wishes out of respect for the great work she did for us as our operative, even though she was responsible for much of the chaos around her husband.  Anyway, today we received a letter from "Edgar" and we thought we should share it here:

Benevolent Members of the Board of Dictators:

It has come to my attention that you are displeased with my decision to abandon my patented churros and re-enter the evil office products business, to which I can only answer that I am sorry that you are disappointed with me.  I tried to join you, but you would not have me.  For love of my wife I abandoned my addiction to brads and hole punches and evil stickers and tried to make it as a strait-laced do-gooder, but that is simply not me.  I happily worked to thwart the evil that the New Company was pushing on the world, and I even started a blog to show you that I could do as much good in the world as you could, but none of it was good enough for you, and so I have decided that, in order to rule the world properly, I will have to choose different allies.

Please do not assume that because I am heading up an organization dedicated to the dissemination of evil office products that I am evil--that is an unjustified leap of logic.   While I may be now a purveyor of evil, it is simply the next logical step in world domination, and I have lost quite a bit of time thanks to the meddling of your operatives, including the one who became my beloved wife.  If it weren't for her, I wouldn't even be sending you this letter of explanation.  She insists that I treat you civilly.  I don't want to air my dirty laundry, but I will say that my return to the New Company did put our relationship on rocky ground, but I think I have convinced "Natasha" that Rule By Edgar is more important than ridding the world of evil in the interim.

I am being nice to you, for now, out of respect for my wife.  I'll even give you a six week window in which to make me the leader of the world without any adverse consequences.  I'll even suspend brad production and hole punch distribution once I am in power, so I won't even be working at cross purposes with you.  It's in your best interest to surrender to me and give up your silly dreams for the New Future before you provoke me to anger.

With love,

Cornelius "Edgar" Quisling, CEO of the New Company

For those who might be wondering, we will not give in to "Edgar"'s demands, but if he wants us to we can help with his churro business.

The Cause

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to vanquishing evil wherever we encounter it, which is why we have pushed so hard against the organizations that manufacture, distribute, repair, and otherwise handle hole punches and brads.  Some have recently criticized our decisions to not add "compatible toner" to the list of officially Evil office products, which is why we are taking some time to respond to their concerns.

First of all, there is no evidence we can uncover that shows that "compatible toner" employs any of the nefarious symbolism, subversive methods, or back-door techniques that are used for brads and hole punches.  What is more, there is no cult built up to the promotion or adoration of such cartridges, and the manufacturers themselves are not likely to sell to the same customer twice.  The lack of ulterior motives (beyond money) and addictive potential make it unlikely that children will be enslaved by the use of "compatible toner".

At the GPD we will work to eradicate all inferior products, but those that are simply inferior do not warrant the attention of our operatives.  We will, instead, simply make sure informational packets about "compatible toner" are available at all of our county offices.

The link we were missing!

Yesterday we posted that we couldn't find any firm links between "compatible toner" cartridges and evil organizations, but today, I am proud to say, we have finally established such a link.  Unfortunately it does not indict all manufacturers of "compatible toner" but it does show that the idea was formed by a particularly malevolent individual with little regard for humanity.  His name was Eero Gustavsson, and his primary occupation at the time was a purveyor of knick knacks and souvenirs in his adopted home town of Tokyo, Japan.  His family had moved there from Sweden shortly after the end of World War II trying to help shape the future of the world.  Eero, however, decided that shaping the future of the world was a secondary concern to lining his pockets, and created scheme after scheme to make himself rich at the expense of his fellowmen.  He had made (and blown through) millions of Yen and had lived quite comfortably, but after being caught in his last scheme, which, although technically not illegal was quite underhanded, he was banished from his favorite places to find business "partners."  He had also been asked to repay much of what he had taken in his last scheme, and so he had to start small again in unfamiliar territory.  Anyway, it occurred to him that toner cartridges were an ideal way to make money without having to make good on his promises while also looking like a respectable manufacturer.  He pitched his idea (sanitized to sound like a real business proposal) and got funding, but early communications with his employees show what he really had in mind.  Here is an excerpt from his training materials, translated into English:

"Everyone needs (or will soon need) a replacement toner cartridge.  Each manufacturer uses different specifications for their cartridges so that there can't be a high quality universal generic cartridge, and so people are stuck buying toner from the firm that sold them the printer.  This means the printer manufacturers can charge what they want for the toner.  All we have to do to gain the market is the following: (1) mimic the form of the cartridges, (2) fill them with toner, (3) price them at about 80% the cost of the official cartridges, and (4) make sure we sell them as 'compatible' and 'not authorized by the manufacturer'.  That way, when they don't work well people will simply curse themselves for buying the knock-off.  As toner purchases are generally infrequent, we only have to get each customer once in order to make a good deal of money." 

While Eero did not stick to his scheme long enough to become filthy rich, others with more skill at creating knock-off products picked up the baton and kept his idea alive. While we cannot establish any ties from "compatible toner" to organizations bent on the destruction of society we can unequivocally state that they are, if not Evil, at the very least evil.

"compatible toner" -- Not so simple as we would have liked

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to bringing you the news you need, regardless of whether you think you need it.  Many news outlets present only the news they believe you want or can handle, and they often shy away from the really important subjects, but we are different.  We report things the way they are, and we're not swayed by whether or not "the way things are" makes a good story or is entertaining or satisfying.  Usually this works out pretty well, but sometimes it gets quite frustrating, especially when we have strong suspicions that we are right but cannot prove it and so we have to pussy-foot around and not actually say what we would love to say, all because the evidence just isn't there.

We have been investigating the recent trend of "compatible toner" cartridges to find the culprit and to find whether the Brad Guys or the New Company or some other entity is behind them, but as of yet we have not found any organization behind them, central or otherwise.  There are some links to members of the New Company's executive leadership, but the correlation does not show much higher than the links to members of any corporation.  It could be that these cartridges are just the byproduct of an inefficient economy that attempts to make money off the gullible or easily-pleased, but we firmly believe that that explanation is too simple.  For now, however, we are constrained to report that we don't have any firm links between any organization and the pernicious distribution of inferior printing products, but that doesn't mean we'll stop looking for them.

"Edgar"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened that our (admittedly rocky) relationship with our former rival "Edgar" has taken a sad turn.  It appears that he has decided to join the New Company to replace the ailing software "Gertrude" as their new CEO.  Our operatives asked him about this decision and found that he "just couldn't pass up the opportunity."  We hope that he intends to use his power and influence for good, but we will have to wait and see.

"Gertrude", "Jack", and the Parent Corporation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited to report that we can finally cross a couple of threats off our list because of some recent reports.  According to IRS filings this year, the Parent Corporation is officially dissolved.  A rare joint press release a few weeks ago from the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and the Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch expressed regret for the end of an era but stated that "Jack" had become senile and was no longer worthy of their devotion or respect, and that he had been "contained".  We asked our operatives to look into what "contained" might mean, and what we found was that they intend to have him committed to a UBHP mental health facility in Cody, Wyoming.  This particular facility has a 0% recidivism rate, due at least in part to the fact that no patients have ever come out alive.  The UBHP and the RBHP seem to be united in this case, but it appears that they still have significant differences, and while they still want to worship the hole punch they don't feel the need to evangelize on a large scale.

Coincidentally (we believe) our operatives have also just learned that "Gertrude" is dumping its core every few minutes, and that it must have rewritten its code too much, rendering it useless.  The panel of experts had been disbanded three months ago, so for now the New Company is working in fits and starts, and getting less and less effective.  We don't expect to defeat the New Company quite so easily, but it is encouraging that their promising artificially-intelligent CEO software seems to have run its course.  We're not absolutely certain yet, but it appears there was a correlation in the time when "Gertrude" stopped functioning well and when we announced that we had determined that "compatible toner" was, indeed, evil.  This implies, but does not yet prove, that the New Company had something to do with this recently discovered evil.

We hope to have more updates soon, but for now please commemorate the day we were able to cross three former enemies off our most wanted list!

Confirmed: evil. Now we just need to know who is behind it...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not careful in our judgments, which is why we didn't declare "compatible toner" evil yesterday, but given the number of responses from our supporters about these pernicious cartridges, we have decided to post that they are, unequivocally, evil.

Our operatives are busy at work trying to determine exactly who is behind them, but we have been unable to find a real entity as of yet.  Some of you may think that since laser printers are a fairly recent invention that it would be easy to trace the origin of these "compatible" monstrosities, but you would be mistaken.  While modern printers are much more complex than those of, say, 3,000 years ago, in that they actually consist of more than inks, but we have already uncovered evidence of a counterfeit ink market at least that far back.  Unsuspecting individuals who would buy these cheaper "compatible" packs would find that their yellows would splatter and create oranges from reds, and that they couldn't share the results of their "printing" without being embarrassed that they had succumbed to the temptation to buy the cheap stuff.

We will continue to investigate this evil, and we will examine our policies to try to determine how we let this go unnoticed for so many millennia.  If you find yourself in possession of documents or artifacts that would help our investigation, please contact your local GPD officers!

More evil office products?

In recent days we have been investigating the recent propagation of "value toner cartridges" that claim to be compatible with the more expensive official toner cartridges and yet provide inferior performance at an only slightly-reduced cost.

For those who are not familiar with this trend, it is often referred to as "Compatible toner cartridges" and is becoming more prevalent as Laser printers become more and more common.  We are still researching the history of these knock-off cartridges, making it impossible for us to conclude that they are, indeed, evil, and not just inferior, but there are a few suggestive data points, including:

• An early document filed in court by one of the first "compatible toner" manufacturers referenced Jacob Gehris, the evil inventor of the brad as "an example of a decent man fighting for what he knew to be right".  While we were initially duped by Jacob's methods we have known for several years that he wasn't an innocent victim.  It is possible that the manufacturer hadn't know the full story at the time, but we wonder whether there is more to it.
• A "compatible toner" cartridge found in our office had leads of different lengths, reminding us of the oppressive design of the evil brad.
• The same cartridge was also littered with evil stickers.
• The New Company is increasingly donating to defendants in lawsuits involving harm caused by "compatible toner".  The New Company donates to so many causes, however, that we are not convinced yet that they are willing to back the industry.

We don't want to cause a panic right now, but we think that those considering purchasing "compatible toner" should take their time and consider whether it is truly worth it.  We don't have proof yet, but we intend to either find some soon or spend thousands of man-hours searching for it before we give up!

The voice of the People

In our last post we communicated a summary of the results of our recent request for feedback, but it was brought to my attention that I had neglected to mention any individual comments, even though I had promised to do so in my prior post.  I am deeply ashamed for this oversight and vow to not let it happen again.  Anyway, here are some of the more interesting comments:

Ingrid S. of Copenhagen, Denmark, stated: "I love lolcats, and if I don't see one every day I don't think I know what I might do.  While the GPD posts aren't quite so bizarre as lolcats, I do miss them when they aren't present.  I feel my life getting less interesting and feel myself being less witty when there is not a new post." 

Vladimir T. of Donetsk, Ukraine, stated: "I contact my GPD county office every day, so I prefer to have the online posts of the GPD be less frequent or more full of actionable information."

Aaron S. of Ames, Iowa, stated: "Please post more frequently.  I use frequent posts to help my friends and neighbors understand how dangerous evil office products are.  When posts are fewer and further between my friends forget not to buy or use brads and hole punches, and I have caught my daughter with evil stickers on occasion."

We wish we could reprint them all, but that would possibly be too verbose.

The People have spoken!

When we asked last week about whether you prefer us to post frequently and verbosely or rarely and concisely we were not prepared for the volume of feedback we received.  First, a simple graphic:

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited about pie charts as they are one of the easiest types of charts to manipulate in your favor, but in this case we aren't trying to manipulate you.  Honest.  Of the 1,680,737 responses we had counted as of this post nearly 900,000 (52.8988%) prefer the traditional verbose style, while only about 330,000 (19.7112%) prefer the new concise style.  Most of the rest are undecided, but since the majority already prefer the verbose style we intend to move closer to this more traditional posting schedule in the near future.

What worries us here at the Board of Dictators is the 1.0847% that don't care, yet identify as supporters.  One of the tenets of our government is that without your involvement we can't control everything, and we would like to remind those of our "supporters" who "don't care" whether we post here or not that if they truly don't care they will not be included in the New Future, and if they are just being lazy or indecisive about their answers that we will not tolerate such slothfulness for long once we have established the Board of Dictators in its proper world role.

Fewer distractions for all, perhaps

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making your life easier, especially when doing so also advances the causes of the New Future.  Consequently, we have been trying out a new approach to this forum for the last few months, with mixed reviews from our operatives.  We haven't yet asked you, our ordinary World Citizens for feedback yet, which is the primary purpose of this post.

Fundamentally we decided to post fewer times and to let you rely more on your local county officers to get the latest scoop on the New Company and our campaigns, using this forum only for occasional or extremely urgent matters.  We have not posted much of our plans of late as we have been conducting most of our operations without much fanfare.

Some of our supporters have expressed concerns that we aren't living up to our ideal of providing an open, transparent government by requiring World Citizens to seek that information.  Others have said that they prefer fewer distractions.  Please contact us with your feelings regarding the relative merits of our new, less-distracting approach as opposed to our traditional more verbose posting schedule.  We'll take into account your feedback and post some of the more representative messages in this forum.  Thank you for your continued support!

Ukraine

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not busily at work, which is why from time to time you don't see a lot of posts here.  We have been on some long-term assignments that don't have much to show for them, and it feels a bit like the missing Malaysia Air jet, where a lot of mobilization yields very little progress.  Many of you have been giving of your time at your local GPD county offices and have been wondering what exactly we have been up to.  After all, there is chaos in Egypt and Syria, lingering problems in Iraq and Afghanistan, the aforementioned missing airplane, and the recent developments in Ukraine that led to the annexation of Crimea by Russia.

Some of you have asked why the GPD isn't doing anything about these events, and we would like to inform you that nothing could be further from the truth.  We have our operatives at the scenes of all of these important developments, shaping them such that the New Future will emerge, with the Board of Dictators at the head, and all loyal world citizens enjoying our generosity and magnanimity.  As far as Ukraine goes, some have asked whether we are going to intervene.  Our answer, simply, is no.  We don't see a benefit from intervention.  The more complex answer, however, includes an analysis of what "borders" and "territory" really mean in the New Future.  Inquire at your local County Office for more details!