Our own form of sanctions

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not resourceful, which is why we are working with current world governments instead of supplanting them altogether. We figure that by leveraging the existing bureaucracy we should be able to further our own goals without having to foot the bill, so to speak. Anyway, this plan has worked well for us, and we have been able to accomplish much that your average fledgling dictatorship could only dream about. One such project has been getting the names of some of our enemies (think "Edgar") onto no-fly lists. Unfortunately, the ACLU has decided that, perhaps, the people on no-fly lists should have the right to contest their being on the no-fly lists. This, while it will make our task much harder, is probably the right thing to do as it discourages oppression, so we are encouraging this development, but we're not going to stop trying to get their names on the lists. We just hope that any innocent world citizens who happen to have the wrong names will understand the need for such precautions.

Decreased hooliganism?

It appears from communications that we have intercepted that the Parent Corporation is, in the aftermath of this debacle, recommending that their employees not resort to mere hooliganism, but to well-thought out and nefarious plans. We expect that the levels of random and weird incidents will decline, but we still urge caution as one can never tell what they are really up to. For instance, we also intercepted some messages about hiding nano-robotic lichens last week, but if they did so they were more skillful than we would have supposed, so we're just not sure yet what they're up to.

Nano-robotic Lichen?

I have spent the last week and a half studying a possible outbreak of nano-robotic lichen in the mountains of the Western United States, and am ready to make a full report. First, a little background for those who haven't been following the story closely. I realize that all of our true supporters won't need this explanation, but since we are always looking to expand our support, we will provide the details in case anyone with a sincere interest in our cause still hasn't allied his or herself with us. If you are aware of the details, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

Nano-robotic lichens were purportedly developed in secret using discarded brads and hole punch remnants by a super-secret laboratory based somewhere in the Amazon jungle. While there have been many sightings on YouTube of these nefarious symbiotic organisms, none have turned up in the reputable laboratories and none in the less-reputable laboratories that often deal with this sort of item. There have been fears that they have been deposited around the mountainous regions of western North America, but no corroborating evidence has been discovered. With some Parent Corporation memos recently intercepted by Daniel, we obtained some leads and decided to investigate them without delay.

Upon arriving at the alleged site I was confronted with the monumental task of finding and testing all of the lichen in the area and of setting up sensors so that we can observe the lichen from the comfort of our board room. We tested the lichen's responses to electromagnetic stimuli of astonishing variety, but we could elicit no response. Additionally we ran them through all of the standard tests for the presence of nano-robotics and could find no trace of them. We are not confident enough in these results to state that no such nano-robotic lichens exist, but we are confident enough to state that no such nano-robotic lichens were present in any of the samples we made, which leads us to a statistical statement that it is 97.223% likely that no such lichen exist anywhere in the world, and 99.9996% likely that no such lichen exist in the western mountainous regions of the United States.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to bring you this good news and we hope that you will, regardless of our confidence, keep your eyes, ears, and gas chromatographs on the lookout for evil nano-robots!

Geoengineering: now a reality

For some time now we have been fascinated by the idea of terraforming new planets so that they could support life. References to such processes pervade science fiction, and the US government has spent well over US$3 trillion this year alone on researching how to terraform Mars, assuming we ever get there. Progress has historically been very slow, but thanks to the initiative shown by scientists we are beginning to make progress. A few years ago they would have thought someone crazy who tried to paint a mountain white, but today it is accepted as a vital step in curbing global warming. It all goes to show how far we progress when we are unfettered by sinister office products!

More hooliganism

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not prescient, but even we didn't know just how dedicated to hooliganism the Parent Corporation's employees are. Take this example of a man who assaulted a worker at a drive-through window ostensibly because she had no lemonade, and this example of a cabby who tried to extort a $3.30 tip. We urge our supporters to be especially vigilant, especially since we are planning some interesting operations about which the Parent Corporation knows very little, but they do know that we are planning them so they are trying to escalate their own activity. Either way, be prepared for a week or so of silence from us even amid growing activity from petty hooligans at the Parent Corporation trying to keep their jobs.

Hooliganism

We have seen various unusual acts of hooliganism over the past few days(example 1, example 2), and one of the reasons we haven't posted is that we were trying to verify that what we are about to say is true and trying to guess the unintended consequences of making this announcement now. To make a long story short, however, the Board of Dictators has met and decided that we should make this information public at this time. So, without further ado or delay, here it is: the Parent Corporation is facing downsizing. We have obtained a memo (the means of our obtaining this memo are unimportant at this juncture) sent to all of the Parent Corporation's employees stating that the economic downturn has hurt brad and hole punch use harder than they thought it would, and that they:

"are asking you, our faithful employees, to prove yourselves valuable to the Parent Corporation. This proving should be done in a way that leaves no doubt about your allegiance and allows us to decide who loves us best."

We were hoping that their operatives would devise interesting plans that would give us some insight into the inner workings of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but it seems that more often than not they have been committing strange acts such as those referenced above in desperation to keep their jobs.

At this time we would like to state that any operatives seeking a more equitable situation are welcome to apply to be part of our organization, and that, while you will be discriminated against because of your past allegiances until we can prove that you aren't a danger to us, you will not be treated badly!

The Rights of Children

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for the welfare of mankind, which is why we were glad to hear that Abby Sunderland's yacht has been found, and that she is okay. She had been trying to sail around the world solo, but after running into bad weather in the Indian Ocean she is going to have to abandon her attempt. We are saddened that excellence can't be pursued any further, but are heartened by the lack of loss of life.

Horse abuse

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the neglect or abuse of any living creatures, which is why we find the Man v Horse Marathon disturbing. Not only do they pit human athletes in top shape against horses who have not had time to train, but they then make them run a course designed to exhaust them more than it exhausts their human counterparts. What's worse, they then hold over the horses heads that they are not so fast as they thought they were because in this rigged race they can't always beat all of the human entrants. Don't get us wrong, we thing it would be great for humans to be included in horse races and horses to be included in foot races, but we think that this so-called Marathon has perhaps gone too far.

Notoriety

In the past month BP has, with help from the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, created quite a literal and figurative mess. The literal mess, of course, is the oil soiling beaches and wetlands in the Gulf of Mexico while the figurative mess is the public relations nightmare that having such a huge literal mess naturally causes. We feel sorry for BP as, after all, it was our nemesis that got them into this mess, but we also feel that they should bear the brunt of the cleanup cost as nobody made them negotiate with the UBHP. When you stop to think of the magnitude of the problem you will undoubtedly be overwhelmed, which is presumably why a BP executive had a brilliant idea: if you can't clean up the literal mess, just clean up the figurative one and then the public will stop noticing the literal mess and you're off the hook. It's much easier, after all. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not appreciative of such cunning, but we are also nothing if not hoping that the world citizens don't stand for it!

Warning: Adverse reaction between North Korean super drink and smart clothes!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we are always running product compatibility tests in the background. We have tested innumerable combinations of products including using an iPhone while sitting on the most common office chairs. Most of the time, as was the case with the aforementioned iPhone experiments, we find nothing statistically significant. Occasionally, however, we stumble upon serious adverse reactions when combining unrelated products.

One such reaction that we recommend avoiding at all costs is the recently-mentioned smart clothes and North Korea's new Super Drink. Simultaneous use of both of them has nearly cost one of our testers her life, and several other testers were nearly injured in the incident. We would honor the testers publicly, but we wouldn't want to blow their cover just yet.

An unlikely source of emotional support

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited by progress in its many (brad-free, of course) forms, which is why we are thrilled that we can direct your attention to Barbara Layne's latest sensation: smart clothes. When you're wearing smart clothes you won't need friends or family to tell you that you need to "chill out" or to "stop feeling sorry for yourself" because your clothes will do it for them. What's more, not only will your close friends be able to read your moods, but even people on the street who have never met you will be able to read your LED announcement to the world that you are trying to calm down. It's a wonderful extension of the concepts espoused by Twitter, so we're hoping you'll get yours soon!

A Vicious new Attack

We would like to take a minute to warn our supporters who are on Facebook that not everybody is as altruistic as we are. Take, for instance, this new "clickjacking" attack. It may be possible that your friend did not in fact post Justin Bieber's private phone number or naughty pictures of your favorite celebrity, and that he or she, in fact, was taken in by the same ruse you are about to fall for. We are not sure yet whether the Parent Corporation is behind this vile use of Facebook and this horrible ruse, but we will keep you updated on what our operatives find. In the short term, we urge caution to avoid falling prey to these horrendous attacks.

Tools of evil: brads and hole punches

It has recently emerged that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not only caused by operatives of the Parent Corporation, but that it was also created using their favorite tools of evil: brads and hole punches. No matter how many times we try to tell the world about their evils, we can never say too much. Who would have thought that using robotic hole punches to weaken the failsafes and inserting brads into the drilling mud would have had such a catastrophic effect? (Well, our scientists had already considered this scenario, so as a matter of fact, we would have thought that, but the rhetorical question was really aimed at those that haven't read our reports, so our guess is that the answer is really "nobody") At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hoping that this illustration of their deleterious effect will go a long way to stemming their popularity!

Disclaimers

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why we always read disclaimers on products we use. If, for example, Google maps warns you that walking directions are in beta and may lead you to places without sidewalks, we would suggest that you take that into account before blindly following the directions and suing Google when you get hit by a car. Even if you don't consider it before acting, please consider the disclaimer before pursuing legal action.

The Consequences of Dealing with the Enemy

We have suspected for several weeks now that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico was not simply an accident, but an act of extreme evil by our nemesis, the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch. Until now, however, when we discovered the incriminating communications, we had no hard evidence that could link them to the disaster. Daniel's work on transmission lines has paid off again, this time in letting us overhear some communications between top UBHP officials. The exchange was essentially a report from an operative on how the evidence of their involvement in the leak has nearly been destroyed by the subsequent efforts to patch the leak, and that no one will suspect what really happened. We hate to rain on their parade, but we do suspect what really happened, which is essentially this:

Several months ago the UBHP approached top officials at BP with an offer of alliance. BP rejected the unholy alliance and told them, in essence, to get lost. The UBHP responded by infiltrating BP and getting their own personnel to the drilling rig that exploded. They simultaneously changed their approach with BP executives and started trying to woo them with gifts. The gifts worked, and the BP executives finally relented and agreed to a secret discussion. "Edgar" flew in on his private jet and met with them, but, to their credit, the BP executives saw through the overtures and gifts and recognized that the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch was not someone they wanted to deal with. The meeting ended with "Edgar" being escorted from the room by BP security, all the while vowing to "get even" with BP.

The events immediately preceding the explosion on the drilling rig are the subject of intense scrutiny at the moment, so we won't attempt to cover them other than to mention that the UBHP operatives were in place and performing their mission when the disaster occurred. It is also likely, although the evidence is not all in yet, that they had something to do with the prior damage to the well that precipitated the crisis.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not observant, which is why we can note that neither the UBHP nor the Parent Corporation has resorted to terrorism before and that we have never found evidence that either one has had a failed secret meeting with company executives in the past. It seems, then, safe to say that if you agree to an audience with "Edgar," you had better be serious about it.

Our operatives have confirmed that the spies used by the UBHP did, in fact, perish in the incident and that their efforts ensured that the well would remain uncapped for over a month. We would like to take a paragraph or two to denounce the irresponsible methods of the Parent Corporation, but that will have to wait for another day. For now it will suffice to say that we are shocked and appalled by the utter indifference to the welfare of the world and its citizens shown by this act of terrorism, and that we will be stepping up our harassment of our enemies. (Incidentally, the overall incident rate has dropped sharply since the incident involving "Viktor" and The Allies. More about that, later). Keep up the good work, and remember to just say "no" to negotiations with the Parent Corporation!

Update on the Great Eggo Famine of 2010

Thanks to some excellent work by our Waffle Department, we are now officially declaring the end of the Great Eggo Famine of 2010 as waffle production is again nearing optimal levels. We are extremely pleased with the way Waffle Department handled the crisis, and we are pleased to report that the number of deaths from this shortage of waffles was 98.3% lower than predicted. We would specifically like to recognize the efforts of Department Chair Gertrude Delaney for her tireless leadership. She personally endured wafflelessness for eight days straight before she collapsed and was taken to an IHOP restaurant to recuperate. We would also be remiss if we did not extend our gratitude to Phineas Smith, whose strategies for rationing of waffles can be blamed for the significantly lower-than-expected death toll. Don't think, however, that because disaster was averted this time that we can be less than vigilant and that our efforts were to no avail. Take our word for it--computer simulations showed that without our intervention this Famine would have been a terrible ordeal indeed.

Safety first?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not hopeful about the future, but we tend to wonder about certain individuals' place in the future. Take, for instance, these would-be burglars. Either they were planning to do a lot more than take the ATM, or there were ... um ... certain holes in their plans. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to excellence, which is why we hope you won't follow in their footsteps.

Safety first!

We applaud the efforts of the creators of the iPad Steering Wheel Mount for making safety a top concern from the beginning. They aren't waiting for people to be killed by sudden acceleration to point out repeatedly that this is safer than texting while driving, an activity which has been declared illegal by many US states. After all, how bad can it be if it's not that bad? (Okay, so technically the answer is almost as bad, but we won't keep considering the answer to the question). It's safe...r than something dangerous, and that's good enough for me.

How not to mug someone

If you are going to turn to crime, please make sure you don't choose to mug your victims near a school for ninja warriors. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we think it is nothing if not sad that a group of muggers in Australia didn't seem to know this.

Accidental shootings

From time to time we hear of accidental shootings, but at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical, which is why we are setting up a panel to investigate such shootings. We expect that they will decrease the number of accidental shootings around the world, and if they don't, don't be surprised if there are some accidental shooting victims from our panel.