An apology

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the correct dissemination of knowledge, which is why it pains us greatly that we have been unable to post to this forum for the last couple of days.  We would like to reassure you all that we are not abandoning our quest for the New Future, nor are we ignoring our faithful supporters, but, with all the activity the New Company has been engaging in there has not been enough time for us to post anything meaningful on this site.  In addition to tracking the New Company's recent activity we have also been interviewing the candidates for membership in the Board of Dictators that passed the first round, and we have been investigating the allegations that "Edgar," whose relationship to us is so complex that we hesitate to try to explain it in this very concise post, has been involved in the attack on our offices in Yakima recently.

We can categorically state at this time that the New Company's recent activity was an attempt at a DoS attack aimed at keeping our operatives so busy that we wouldn't notice some of the things they were up to.  While their activities did produce enough load on our infrastructure that we had to scale back these posts, they were not sufficient to interrupt our intelligence operations.  We will work to address the inadequacies that led to the temporary lack of information here, but otherwise we give our organization high marks for its response to this incident.

As far as our other tasks go, we have interviewed each of the candidates and will now put them through the obstacle course to see how they fare there.  As of this moment they are all still in the running, but we'll keep you posted.  As for the allegations about "Edgar" we are still unable to clear him completely, but we have our reservations.  It appears that he might have been framed, or if he wasn't framed, perhaps he botched the job pretty badly himself.  We wish we could give a more definite answer, but at this time it is impossible to do so.

Funding

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited that one of our favorite projects has secured Pentagon funding.  Our operatives have not worked with the particular company that is getting the funding this time, but they have spent countless hours testing similar battle wound foam concoctions.  Most of them have showed incremental benefits to the wounded operatives, but none of them have been the breakthrough that we have been hoping for.  Some of them were spectacularly bad, but we won't dwell on those.  After all, the participants in the study did sign liability waivers before participating.  We know that government funding is transitory and perhaps nothing will come of this brilliant idea, but we hope that Arsenal Medical will succeed!

Not just fun and games

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the betterment of society and the inception of the New Future, but we are a bit disturbed by the apparent lack of purpose in a stunt carried out  in London recently.  There appears to have been no real purpose to the event, and the best the perpetrators can say was that they wanted to boost the number of times per day that Britons laugh.  We would like to ask why they only care about the times per day that Britons laugh, and not, say, Frenchmen or Latvians, and also how an oversize rubber duck is supposed to increase the overall laugh rate unless it is to be sailed daily, in which case the novelty would wear off and the effectiveness decrease.  Something is amiss here, and we will figure it out!

We have awesome supporters

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not convinced that we have awesome supporters, especially since anonymous allegations of misconduct didn't cause you to go after "Edgar" with pitchforks and torches, even if it is becoming trickier to get your hands on angry mob supplies such as pitchforks and torches.  We can now reveal that the anonymous allegations were part of our vetting process for candidates for the Board of Dictators, and that "Edgar" did not become enraged by the allegations and thus passed this particular test.  We can't say that "Edgar" had nothing to do with the incident, but we can say that the anonymous allegations have no weight behind them!

Allegations

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of anonymous allegations of misconduct, especially when those allegations can be traced to Internet cafes in the vicinity of some of our more notorious enemies, but we would like to let you know that we are investigating the allegations that "Edgar" was in part responsible for the heinous attack on our GPD office in Yakima last week.  We have a suspect in custody, and if any verifiable links emerge we will let you know.  Until then, we ask you to assume that "Edgar" is probably innocent and not form an armed mob to "deal with him."

The suspect

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, which is why we allow existing institutions to "do their thing" while we lay the infrastructure we need to properly and completely rule the world.  One such case was our recent allowing of the local authorities in Yakima to detain our number one suspect.  Unfortunately, the police seemed less than inclined to believe us and released him without charging him this morning.  Not to worry, though, as we have now detained him ourselves and are busy getting the information we need.  It's great when we allow the local authorities to think they are still in charge without jeopardizing our own goals!

"Edgar"

Many of you have pointed out that "Edgar" says he is in the next round of evaluations, and are wondering when we will announce the full list of finalists.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to provide the full list now:

• "Edgar"
• Henrietta Washburn
• Crktdwk
• Eliza

Look for more details in the coming days.

As for the incident last week in Yakima we have determined the failings in our intelligence apparatus that permitted this problem and we have taken corrective action.

Horrible news!

It is our sad duty to announce to you that the new "Gertrude" has successfully pulled off a dastardly and heinous act, completely flattening a local GPD office in Yakima, WA using a press usually used for making brads.  The details of the attack are still sketchy, but we do know that two of our volunteers were crushed in the attack, and that several more received injuries that sent them to the local hospitals.  What worries us most is that we thought we had been watching the New Company's operatives closely enough that they wouldn't have been able to pull off such a vicious attack.  A bit of positive news, however, is that we were able to catch one of the two operatives who perpetrated the attack.  The local police, however, arrived before we had left and we felt obligated to support them by turning him in.  We hope they will charge him and keep him out of society, but we don't think they will, especially now that they are having to deal with legalized marijuana.

A bad idea

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not advocates for living in a self-sustaining way, but when sustaining yourself requires endangering others, we don't get as excited about it as we would otherwise.  We believe that all world citizens deserve the basic inalienable rights.  Actually, we're not sure whether life forms that may potentially come from other planets deserve these same rights or not, but since inalienable just means that they can't be taken away and not that they don't apply to aliens we really don't have to answer that question until we encounter life forms from other planets.  Anyway, we believe that stockpiling of weapons may be a good idea when you are expecting a conflict, but doing so in a reckless manner that endangers your neighbors is probably a bad idea.  We would like to ask all of our supporters to be sure that their stockpiles of dangerous items is properly protected and controlled so that the possibility of innocent deaths is reduced!

A step toward equality

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to absolute equality for everyone, which is why we applaud the efforts of this charity to train dogs in the art of driving cars.  When people realize that dogs can drive cars they will have to accept that they deserve equal rights and stop making them beg for their food and shelter!

How not to appear in court

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to improving your satisfaction in your life, whatever your current condition.  As part of our continuing series of self-help guides, we are presenting today a lesson on how not to appear in court, using the events reported in this article as a guide.

It seems that Mr. Nolan had previously been accused of DWI, or Driving While Intoxicated.  We had suspected that DWI meant something else, like perhaps "dumb while inside" or "drunk with injuries" but our lawyers assure us that it does mean "driving while intoxicated."  The GPD does not claim jurisdiction (yet) over Mr. Nolan's actions, and our lawyers begged us not to make judgments about his guilt or innocence without reviewing the evidence.  As court papers tend to be a little on the boring side, we will just refrain from making judgments.  It is not important, however, whether Mr. Nolan committed the offense of which he had been accused, as he appeared at the hearing acting a bit tipsy and smelling of alcohol.

At this point, it should be obvious to all but the least observant that Mr. Nolan made a mistake.  He should have either not shown up intoxicated or hidden his intoxication a little better, because as he left the court he was followed by suspicious officers, who stopped him nearly as soon as he got in his vehicle and charged him with a DWI.

For the less-observant among our supporters, here is a cheat sheet on how to avoid a DWI conviction:

• If you are intoxicated, don't drive.  It will make it very hard to convict you for a DWI.
• If you are charged with a DWI, regardless of whether you did it, don't show up for a hearing while intoxicated.
• If you do show up for your hearing intoxicated, do not drive home.  Chances are very good that the officers at the courthouse noticed your intoxication and will prevent you from endangering others on the road.  They will not only arrest you, but will have very good evidence for your next hearing.

We hope this has been helpful!

"Edgar" and his accusations

"Edgar" has been alleging that the GNU Public Dictatorship is not so open as we claim to be, and has been using as evidence the fact that we are irritated that he shook up the New Company before we wanted him to do so.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not understanding, which is why we generally forgive such ill-directed zealous actions, and which is why we have not taken offense to "Edgar" and his conduct.  We are, in fact, still considering him for a position on the Board of Dictators, but we do not know whether we will advance him to the next stage or not.  As for his meddling, we will just have to do a better job in the future of predicting his course of action.  This last time, for example, our failure to do so led to a missed opportunity to feed the computer program "Gertrude" information that would keep the New Company busy with internal policy changes, but we will improve.  Just to prove that we are as open as we claim to be, anyone who wants more detailed information is welcome to submit form 7773-IIP (Request for information regarding current events) to their local GPD office.  We guarantee a response within five weeks!