Utility

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the steady march of progress, which is why we have invested so much of our time in research that may seem crazy to some observers.  Our true supporters will recognize many of our pioneering efforts, some of which have failed and some of which are still delivering promising technologies.  We have spent a good deal of time trying to discover ways to create machines that can do our jobs as well as we can, so that we can expand our influence more quickly than ever.  Many of those machines have relied on artificial intelligence, and in turn, much of that artificial intelligence has relied on the concept of "utility".

While it might seem simple to define "utility" as how useful something is, you soon discover that you would then have to define what it means to be useful, and so forth.  As humans generally use money to portray value, many times utility is expressed as a price or a score.  We could say that the free market determines utility of items, but that would be unfair, as to suggest that a diamond, however exquisitely cut, is more useful than an ax when you are cutting firewood would be ludicrous, regardless of how much more the diamond cost than the ax.  Utility often depends on the context of the item as well.  A prize of US $100 has very different implications when distributed in a homeless shelter or a posh restaurant or to a group of wild orangutans.  To put it simply: utility is hard to define, and money is a poor proxy for utility.

Many artificially intelligent agents seek to maximize utility.  Most do so locally, or to put it another way, they seek to improve their own situation as much as possible.  Unfortunately, as many of you will already be pointing out, machines built with this sort of goal often turn against their creators and create horrible robot apocalypses.  Some attempt to communicate with other agents and maximize the overall utility (meaning society is the one that benefits), but this communication is difficult, and it is difficult to measure the utility to society of giving Fred an apple vs. giving that apple to Janet or to a deer.  Besides this, the communication often only serves to facilitate the horrible robot apocalypse.

So why am I writing this post, then?  Is the concept of utility hopeless?  Will we never make machines that can replace us (without pushing us out of the way and enslaving us)?  The answers to these questions are: for your benefit, no, and we don't know for sure, but strongly suspect the answer is no.  One thing we can say about utility is that it is highly dependent on fuzzy emotional ideas and not on the simple facts we can observe.  Also, while it is often easy to see what we should have done, it is much more difficult to reliably predict the outcome of any given situation.

Take, for instance, this situation, in which a man riding an ATV across railroad tracks appears to have improperly calculated the utility of the various choices available to him.  The woman he was with got clear of the train, but he, for some reason, miscalculated the utility of staying with the ATV for as long as he did.  Since we don't know what he was thinking it is difficult to understand the particular error, but our analysis of the situation shows that most likely he (1) underestimated the risk to him posed by the train (the potential negative utility), (2) underestimated the utility of surviving, and (3) overestimated the utility of saving the ATV (given that the ATV was probably not cheap and that he probably had some emotional attachment to it).  The combination of these factors led to a sub-optimal choice, both for society and for himself.  The sub-optimality of this decision is painfully obvious in retrospect.

Who is to say, however, that any of us, in that situation, with our imperfect measurement of utility colored by emotions, would have made better decisions?  At the GPD we are constantly refining our concept of utility and have made great strides that are redefining artificial intelligence as we know it, and in order to answer the question we posed ran 4,032 distinct scenarios (modelling the uncertainty in perception) for a run of 1,000,000 simulations each (to account for minor variations).  Most of our simulations had the individual make the optimal choice of leaving the ATV, but there were a few situations in which our simulations consistently had the individual stay with the ATV until it was too late.  These occurred in the extreme cases cited above (e.g. severe underestimation of the risk from the train, severe overestimation of the utility of the ATV, suicidal wishes) and also when we made the individual's perception extremely unreliable, simulating intoxication from evil office products.  Our operatives are checking into whether evil office products were involved, but early signs suggest that they were not involved.

We hope that our supporters will take a few moments to consider whether their measure of the utility of their choices is accurate and effective, but we warn you to please not do so while you are stuck on an ATV on the railroad tracks while a train is quickly approaching!

A Report on Bring Your Own Office

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the acquisition of reliable and actionable data, which is why we decided to try it out when our accountants suggested a novel approach to cut costs.  The result was our Bring Your Own Office initiative, an exciting test of a cutting edge idea to reduce the cost of running an organization.  We have been trying it for a month now, and it has saved the GNU Public Dictatorship nearly all of the costs associated with running an office.  Our researchers have been gathering data from the experiment and have been attempting to answer the following questions:

1. What is the savings that can be expected in an organization that decides to go officeless, and how does the number of employees affect the savings?
2. What are the impacts on worker productivity?
3. What are the impacts on communication?
4. What are the impacts on morale?

Our researchers believe they have enough data to give preliminary answers to these questions, so we're reproducing their early answers here.  None of these answers are finalized and they have not yet passed peer review, but we believe it is a good starting point and will help us decide whether to proceed with our experiment.

Answers:

1. The central GPD office cut its facilities budget by 94.6% over the last month.  The remaining 5.4% was still required to rent a small closet with Internet and power access within range of the GNU Public Parking Structure outside of the GPD offices.  There was some investment to bring power and network cables to enough parking stalls to accommodate our workforce, but this investment will be recuperated within a few months.  Smaller GPD offices that participated in the study showed reductions in costs, but the reductions were about 53.2% overall.  In general, it appears that the savings from moving to a BYOO scheme are dependent on the employee count, the cost of the facilities, and the cost of Internet access.  It also appears that some owners of office buildings don't want to run power and network cables to their parking structures, which in at least three cases caused a temporary move for local GPD employees.  Recommendation: you can save money by switching to a BYOO model.  The more employees you have, the more dramatic the savings will be.
2. The central GPD office saw worker productivity figures at or near baseline values, suggesting that worker productivity was not materially affected by having to provide an office.  Most of the local GPD offices that participated in the study showed similar results, but there were several outliers in which productivity declined drastically.  Recommendation: if anything, switching to BYOO brings a decrease in worker productivity.
3. Communication was a difficult property to measure, especially since in an office setting much of the communication that occurs is rather informal in nature.  The fabled "water cooler conversations" are rarely recorded and analyzed.  Our researchers compensated for these problems using a number of adjustments, and determined that formal communication (work-related e-mail or phone conferences) increased by 23% overall (in the central and smaller GPD offices) and that informal work-related communication decreased by 89%.  Informal non-work-related communication decreased by 99%.  Total volume of communication decreased slightly.  Some workers responded that having to leave their air-conditioned vehicle in the middle of summer to talk casually to a coworker was prohibitive.  Recommendation: BYOO decreases informal communication but increases formal communication.
4. Morale is easily measured using the Grubermann scale (developed by the famous Heintz Gruberman III to measure response to advertising campaigns, but easily adapted for this application).  GPD office morale has been consistently measured at 7Y5 +-3 since we started measuring.  Morale at offices that did not choose to go BYOO suffered slightly as a result of feelings of being left behind, but morale at BYOO offices showed a more interesting trend.  In the first few days of the test morale skyrocketed to 9Y8, but subsequently as the summer heat continued dropped to 5T6.  These values are well out of the range of normal variation in morale, and indicate that BYOO significantly affects morale.  Recommendation: BYOO has an initial positive effect on morale as employees become excited about the change, but over time the morale declines significantly.

Given these results, the GPD is stopping its trial run of BYOO.  While we were saving a lot of money, the increased load on our formal communications infrastructure and the drop in morale overshadow the fiscal benefits.  Adding to this a negligible or negative effect on productivity, and the answer is clear: BYOO is not going to work for us right now.

On a side note, we asked our researchers to determine whether moving to a BYOO system while simultaneously moving to a Hawaiian beach would be effective, and they answered that their data were not conclusive, but suggested that morale might continue to improve under those circumstances.  We may have to revisit this idea in the future...

Progress

Since we introduced "Natasha" into the reality simulator and caused her to interact with "Edgar" (who obviously has deep feelings for her and wants her to quit using evil office products) we have seen a dramatic improvement in her demeanor.  She was willing enough to participate in the addiction recovery programs we had provided her, but she seems to responding even better to "Edgar's" efforts to clean her up.  She hasn't used a brad in 23 hours, and her last hole punch use was office-related, not recreational.  She has even given up on her lab for creating evil stickers at home!  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful to see our former adversary and our suspended operative work together against evil office products!

What we know about airplane sandwich needles

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not eager to keep you all calm, which is why when we saw the panic created by the multiple airplane sandwich-needle incidents we decided we had better step in and tell you what you should and shouldn't worry about.

Q.  Who is behind these attacks?
A.  Unfortunately we cannot state definitively who is behind these attacks, but we can state that they are not being perpetrated by any of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, the Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, the Parent Corporation, or the New Company.  All of these organizations have decried these acts as heinous and unfortunate.  Our operatives are investigating known brad guy cells and other groups of informal hole punch enthusiasts to see whether they may be involved in these attacks, but current investigations indicate that these attacks are not likely related to any of our known enemies.  We believe that they are probably being organized and carried out by deranged individuals who should be under psychiatric care.
Q.  Should I check my own sandwiches for needles before I eat them?
A.  In general, yes.
Q.  What if I made the sandwich myself and nobody else has handled it, do I need to check before I eat it?
A.  While it wouldn't hurt, you would likely be wasting your time.  Unless, of course, you are a deranged individual who should be under psychiatric care, in which case you should definitely check before you eat.  If you were sewing at or around the time you made the sandwich, you may also want to check before consuming it.
Q.  What if I bought the sandwich at a restaurant?
A.  If you watched the sandwich being made and trust that the sandwich artist is not deranged, you probably do not need to check your sandwich.  If you saw the sandwich artist sewing or have other reasons to suspect he or she may have needles in his or her possession, you may want to check.
Q.  What about peanut butter?
A.  The needles have all been found in meat sandwiches so far, so the chances are lower that a peanut butter sandwich would have a needle, but you should use the guidelines above to determine whether to check thoroughly.
Q.  What about tuna salad?  Checking it could get messy.
A.  If there are other risk factors involved with a tuna salad sandwich, the GPD recommends that you either refrain from eating it or proceed with extreme caution.
Q.  Are there ways to eat sandwiches without risking an incident?
A.  In general, the smaller the bites you take the less risk from a needle.  You must be careful, however, since smaller bites means it will take longer to consume the sandwich.  Please plan accordingly.
Q.  Should I panic?
A.  No.  Not yet, anyway.

We hope this information will help you feel more secure about your sandwich choices and clear up the confusion which has been causing widespread panic recently.

Growth

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad to see our "New Supporters Today" counter consistently higher than it has been, and we know it will continue to increase as time goes on.  As Jason Herrera of Madison, Wisconsin, pointed out, however, even a growth of 500 new supporters daily would take 5,479 1/2 years to create 1 billion new supporters.  According to Jason (who appears genuinely concerned) this is going to take too long, and he fears he will be dead by the time the New Future is inaugurated.

The good news for Jason is that we, the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators, do not need a majority of world citizens to be our supporters, nor do we need a plurality of world citizens.  One of the advantages of being a Board of Dictators is that we can rule without requiring that all of our subjects accept us as the best option.  What we do need is to be able to grow faster than our rivals.  Fifteen years ago, the Company was adding 400 or 500 supporters every day, depending on which estimates you believe.  We have, as you all know, crushed the Company only to find it was part of a Parent Corporation.  We have recently reduced the Parent Corporation to a mere shadow of what it was, and even the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch is on a negative growth trajectory.  Our only real adversaries at the moment are the New Company, and, according to our best estimates, they are adding about 500 new employees daily.  In order to usher in the New Future we need not reach billions of supporters, we simply need to outgrow our adversaries.

While we were able to defeat the Company and the Parent Corporation while growing at a slower rate than they did, we believe that our greater efficiency and clearer message have helped us significantly.  All our information about the New Company indicates that they are more efficient and have a more developed message than their predecessors, so we don't think overcoming them will happen as quickly.  We have been trying to slow economic growth around the world to stunt the growth of the New Company, and while it has been working it also seems to be causing other problems, so we will be abandoning that methodology.  Our recent growth, however, stems largely from word-of-mouth from our supporters, for which we thank you!  If we can keep our own growth up, we won't have to ruin your economies!

Another statement from "Jack"

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not ready for anything, but even we were surprised when "Jack" released another statement today.  It was the exact same statement he released previously, with the exception that every reference to the letter "t" has been replaced with the number "7" and ever reference to the letter "e" has been replaced with a number "3".  We knew that "Jack" liked to repeat himself, but even we were disturbed to find that he considered it worth his while to write his same statement using "leet" speak.  We were even more disturbed when we realized that he had taken at least 43 copies of his previous statement and edited them (using white-out and a black pen) to make them match his latest statement.  We hesitate to say that "Jack" and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch pose no threat to society, but we would be very surprised to see anything truly evil come from them in the near future!

"Natasha" to join "Edgar"

Our psychiatrists have given us a green light.  We weren't sure at first what we were supposed to do with the light they provided, but then they explained to us that it was merely a symbol that meant we could proceed with our plan to introduce "Natasha" into the TORSO so she could join "Edgar," who apparently has deep feelings for her and wants her to quit using evil office products.  We hope that this plan works, and we will keep you posted on the outcome!

An update on our relationship with the Allies

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not willing to accept help wherever it is offered, but the recent apparent betrayal by the Allies has made us a bit more reticent.  Most of you know that several of our operations were delayed by the chaos caused by the human/non-human conflict, but most of you do not know which missions were irreparably harmed.  One of these was a mission "Viktor" was on to find out as much as possible about the leadership of the New Company.  After all, we still don't know much about "Gertrude" or "her" advisors.  There was an opening that "Viktor" was going to interview for (in disguise, of course) that would have taught us a great deal about their inner workings that was filled while "Viktor" was working to settle things in the aftermath of the conflict.  He had been scheduled to interview for the position but had to cancel to meet his other obligations.  This opportunity is now gone, thanks to the meddling of our Allies.  There were several other operations affected by the trouble, but this is the only one which was irreparably frustrated.  The secretive nature of the leadership of the New Company has proven very difficult to infiltrate, and now we have to wait for another opportunity.

On a separate note, the New Company has recently launched "Scrapbooking Sleepovers" in hundreds of cities around the world.  Please be advised that these sleepovers are not harmless and probably will cause many attendees to become addicts.  Please resist the temptation to "check them out"!

"Edgar" has resigned!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased when things go our way, and today is no exception.  Although we know that Quisling acting as "Edgar" resigned already and that "Edgar" has been in a reality simulation for quite some time now, the fact that he spontaneously chose to resign is quite encouraging.  Here is his resignation letter (keep in mind that "Natasha" had been using the alias Kathryn while working at the Parent Corporation):

To whom it may concern: 

I, Cornelius Quisling III, to be referred to herein as "Edgar," do hereby resign my post as leader of the Parent Corporation and do ask for my name to be removed from the rolls of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  I will sign and honor a nondisclosure and non-compete agreement, but I can no longer be associated with either of these movements.  I am, instead, going to try to rule the world on my own. 

I do not come to this decision lightly, and have long considered the consequences of action and inaction.  I used to believe fervently that the world would be better if I were to rule it, and I used that belief to justify embracing the evil tools at my disposal.  I never really believed that the world would be a better place if everyone used brads, hole punches, and evil stickers, but I knew that world citizens are easier to control if they are distracted by addictions and dependent on someone else to provide them with a fix.  I began to dabble in evil office product use myself, and often found it quite thrilling. 

In the last year, however, I have realized the error of my ways, as I have watched my beloved Kathryn deteriorate to a mere shell of the wonderful lady she was.  When I met her she was passionate and positive, always inspiring me to come up with my cleverest schemes (unfortunately, even my cleverest schemes began to rarely succeed as my enemies somehow knew what I was up to).  While she was quite competent at professional use of brads and hole punches, she was also clearly not used to casual use of evil office products.  I fed off her energy and introduced her to recreational use of my evil office products.  For a while it seemed like paradise, but in the last few months I noticed that her usual passion had been replaced by indifference.  Her positive nature had become apathetic, and she no longer inspired me.  At first I thought I should just move on, but then I realized something I hadn't before--I didn't really want to use evil office products anymore.  Something inside me had snapped.  I had tried before, unsuccessfully, to stop using them, but this time it worked.  I have been evil-office-product-free for over a month now, and I am beginning to realize that the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch are not positioned to influence the world at all, let alone to get me into my preferred seat of absolute world power.  Even worse, I began to see that I may have destroyed my beloved Kathryn.  Even now she is still in the spell of those evil, evil stickers.  I will continue to try to persuade her to give up the habits, but I fear it may be too late.  I never got the chance to tell her how I feel... 

You don't have to worry about me exposing the secrets of the Parent Corporation to its enemies; I have no loyalty to them, even if my twin works with them.  I will be working independently to convince the world that I should reign over them, and if it works I will be the happiest man in the world. 

I wish you all the best of luck and hope that you will succeed in your endeavors.

Signed,
Cornelius "Edgar" Quisling III

 We are fairly certain that his message was sincere, and are debating whether to introduce the real "Natasha" into the simulator to see whether "Edgar" can convince her to give up her habits.  We had no idea that "Edgar" felt so strongly about his coworker, and, as far as our psychiatrists can tell, neither did "Natasha."  We'll let you know how things work out.

A Handy Guide

Although many of our supporters have no doubt already found this recent article extremely helpful we have decided to post about it here.  After all, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not helpful!  We do take issue with the labeling of this behavior as "fraud" as we prefer to call it "creative science," but the steps Ars Technica has published for publishing scientific papers without doing any "real" experiments are extremely well-written and should provide the student of propaganda with a good starting point for any endeavor.  We would like to add a few steps for our supporters:

11.  Never implicate the GPD.  It is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged to implicate organizations which do not share our values such as the New Company.  Implicating the GPD in your paper immediately raises the profile of the paper and increases the chance for scrutiny.
12.  Bully your readers into accepting your premises and conclusions.  Make them feel that if they don't agree with you they don't deserve to be in the field you are writing about.  The more confident you are about your data the fewer questions you will receive.
13.  Cite "sources" that are difficult to retrieve¹.  The more effort involved in finding raw source material, the less likely people are to try.  Don't make your "sources" obviously fake, however, as that increases the likelihood someone will investigate.

We believe that these principles are useful in many disciplines and that most of our supporters will be able to lighten their workloads without reducing their output by adhering to these steps!

1.  Tom Gersbach and Federico Brinner, "Reducing the Likelihood of Being Labelled a Fabricator of Data", Massachusetts Journal of Propaganda and Related Sciences, June 1932.  Community Press, Boston, Massachusetts.

Even more unfortunate

We recently reported that "Natasha" was compromised in her position at the Parent Corporation.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not regretful that we weren't completely honest with you about the situation.  "Natasha" wasn't compromised, she was forcefully extracted for her own good, and it seems that perhaps we were too late to save her.

When she helped us get Quisling in to replace "Edgar" we noticed that "Natasha" was acting strangely but we thought it might just be part of her act.  Quisling, however, noted many small things that concerned him about "Natasha" and eventually even confronted her about her careless demeanor around hole punches.  According to Quisling she looked "a bit guilty" and then "composed herself."  Further digging revealed that "Natasha" was addicted to brads and hole punches and that she was dabbling in home-manufacture of evil stickers.  Part of Quisling's plan for extrication was to bring "Natasha" with him, but after "Edgar" resigned, she refused to leave.  Not wanting to blow our cover too early we left her their until a few days ago when we had her be "compromised" in her position so we could get her out.

We sent her directly to our addiction counselors, but they tell us the chances for her recovery are very low.  A review of our policies showed that we had let her stay in her dangerous position for far too long, and that if we had followed our ideal recommendations that she would have been extracted about six months ago.  At the GPD we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we sometimes make exceptions to our rules for operations such as this one that present extra difficulties, but we know now that we made a mistake.  Our psychologists tell us that "Natasha" is still loyal to the GPD and the New Future, and that she did not join the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, but that she is "extremely dependent" on the evil office products she started using.

Brad addiction is just one of the risks our operatives assume when they work undercover, but we are saddened at the prognosis for "Natasha."  We hope she recovers fully, and soon!

Good news!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be able to deliver to you some good news!   The Allies have worked with us to resolve or categorize as irrelevant to our relationship nearly all of the the 3.4 million complaints we received.  The remaining 312 involve more complex matters and are likely to remain unresolved for the foreseeable future, but they are unlikely to keep us from treating the Allies as (mostly) friendly.  After all, 312 out of 3.4 million is less than one hundredth of one percent.  The sting of their attempt to divide us may be fading, but we will not easily forget the pain they caused our supporters.  Those of you who submitted complaints should receive reports stating the actions taken.  If you are unsatisfied with our response, please submit a new complaint at your local GPD office.  If your complaint about our resolution to your complain has any merit (which it probably won't) we'll try to address your remaining issues or fix the situation by removing those who are not content with the resolution.  But, anyway, please feel free to bring any issues with our resolution to our attention!

An update on "Edgar"

When we placed "Edgar" in the reality simulator we also created many safeguards to ensure that he wouldn't try to end his life again.  These safeguards included increased supervision and a reduction (but not total elimination) of the brads and hole punches left in and around his (virtual) office and home.  After several days of observation, however, we realized that he wasn't even using them, and that he didn't even look fondly at them.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of "Edgar" giving up on evil office products, especially since he could not do so during the Quisling Incident a few years ago, but we have to admit that he hasn't touched them since his apparent suicide attempt.  In light of this new info we're re-opening our investigation of how he came to ingest hole punch leavings, but we think it is probably more likely that he just got scared after he nearly killed himself, and that he will return to his old ways soon.

Unfortunate

In the wake of our recent investigation into the Parent Corporation, our operative on the inside has been compromised.  We thought we had taken the appropriate precautions, but after we published our reports on the operation "Jack" and his Crafties immediately went to full alert.  Our operative "Natasha" was tragically unaware of the state of alert for a full forty-three seconds, and in that span made one critical mistake that identified her as not a true member of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch--she threw away a handful of hole punch leavings that were scattered on her desk.  When she realized that headquarters were in a state of alert she quickly fled the scene and is now being debriefed in a secure location.  She still may be of some help with "Edgar" while he is in the reality simulator, but she may be relegated to assignments further from the front lines.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened when such things happen, but we believe we can make the most of her talents in other locations, and that there was very little to gain from further surveillance from her post in the Parent Corporation.

A Statement from "Jack"

"Jack" finally appears to have realized what we did to him last month, and has released a statement.  We'll reproduce a portion of it here for your enjoyment.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to entertain you!

Parent Corporation Headquarters, August 1, 2012:  It has recently come to our attention that our former adversaries have infiltrated the highest levels of corporate security and walked away without being discovered.  What's more, they have abducted an official of the Parent Corporation as part of their intrusion.  At the Parent Corporation we are nothing if not disappointed that those who style themselves our enemies would think it worth their time to commit such atrocities, and we expect them to not repeat themselves.  Security will be increased as a result of this latest incident, so be sure to carry your hole punches, brads, and nail brushes at all times.  We sincerely hope that our former enemies will put aside the petty bickering that has punctuated our relationship in the past and accept the true worship of brads, hole punches, stickers, and the Venerable Manufacturer [Chef Craft].  If they will not embrace the truth, we hope that they will at least permit us to practice what we believe.  We do not relish the thought of a holy war, but we are not to be toyed with.
...

The statement goes on for nearly 80 pages and extols the virtues of hole punches and hole punch leavings, brads, evil stickers, and Chef Craft without saying much of any substance.  There are a few interesting tidbits of information we can glean from this release, however:

• They do not consider us a current enemy.  They consistently refer to us as their "former enemy" and talk about us as irrelevant to their goals.
• They take many stylistic hints from our posts here.  Juliana practically invented the use of "At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not..." phrases, and it is quite amusing to see our former enemies use the same phrasing.  Even if we haven't been able to convince them that they are evil, we are influencing them!
• Their adoration for Chef Craft appears to have escalated to the point that they fear to repeat the name too often and instead use titles such as "the Venerable Manufacturer" to refer to them.  
• Later in the statement "Jack" says, "We do not need others; we are sufficient."  In other sections he makes it clear that while others are welcome to embrace the "truth" that no effort will be made to take their message to others.  Those who have found the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch are the "chosen" and are "lucky" enough to be part of the worship sessions "Jack" orchestrates.  If the Parent Corporation has given up on evangelizing, they become much less of a threat to the average world citizen.
• "Jack" loves to repeat himself.  Pages 45-69 were nearly an exact repeat of pages 3-17, and pages 20,25,27,29, and 73 were essentially the same information and the same structure with synonyms used to add variety.

In conclusion, this statement confirms that "Jack" and the UBHP are no longer bent on world domination and that they are no longer picking fights with us or with any world citizens.  They are, however, bent on acquiring, consuming, hording, and worshiping evil office products and Chef Craft implements.  The danger to members of the UBHP is real, and we will continue to decry their beliefs at every opportunity, but we do not think that the UBHP or "Jack" are likely to interfere with our plans for the New Future!

The Parent Corporation/UBHP Q&A

In light of yesterday's post, we decided it might be a good idea to revise our Q&A about the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch to make it perfectly clear what the current state actually is.

Q.  Are the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch still separate entities?
A.  It appears that, officially at least, they are no longer separate.  "Jack" is in charge of both entities, and according to Quisling they are run as one unit.
Q.  What happened to the non-Craftie wing of the UBHP?
A.  Some of them left to join the New Company and have started up an informal group they call the Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  This group is not well-organized and claims no authority from the UBHP, but our operatives suggest this may not be the case soon.  Many of them are clearly frustrated with "Jack" and his bizarre self-serving strategies.  Those who didn't join the New Company or the RBHP appear to have decided that they don't like organized cults and have started practicing the portion of the rites and beliefs of the UBHP that they feel like practicing.  This informal organization is unlikely to be able to mount the kind of attacks we have seen in the past, but may prove to be difficult to eradicate.
Q.  How should we refer to the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch?
A.  In general, you may use either title.
Q.  Is "Edgar" still alive?
A.  Yes, he is currently living in the TORSO reality simulator.  We are changing the parameters of the simulator to make it clear to him that if he were to defect to us he would not face more than 53 years in prison and 20 years of supervised probation after that, but he still hasn't made it clear whether he intends to remain loyal to the Parent Corporation or not.
Q.  Do the New Company and the Parent Corporation still have ties?
A.  No.  It appears that the relationship has been completely discontinued.
Q.  Did the Parent Corporation ever acknowledge that "Edgar" is gone?
A.  No, there have been no press releases from the Parent Corporation since our operatives found "Edgar"--which implies that he was the only person involved in writing their recent press releases.  With this information we believe it may be fair to declare the Parent Corporation defunct, even if it does still exist as part of the UBHP.
Q.  Is "Jack" crazy?
A.  We think so, but his followers apparently do not.
Q.  Does this mean we can buy hole punches again?
A.  Heavens, no.  Hole punches are still inherently evil, and just because the Parent Corporation isn't actively working against us doesn't mean we should throw money their direction.  If we can starve their revenue streams perhaps we can put an end to the organized UBHP altogether, but if we continue to buy from them we will never be able to crush them.
Q.  Is the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators responsible for the decline of the Parent Corporation?
A.  We like to think it was our pressure on the Parent Corporation that allowed "Jack" and his philosophies to gain a foothold, but most of the credit for destroying the Parent Corporation as we knew it should go to "Jack."  His short-sighted ventures and bizarre obsessions have effectively eliminated a once-formidable enemy.

If you have more questions about the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch, please feel free to ask!

It's time to come clean

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to honesty and openness, which is why it pains us when we occasionally have to mislead our supporters, even if it is for the greater good.  Embedded in the huge amounts of verifiable and correct data we reported in our post about what we know right now we included a few out-of-date statements that didn't reveal all that we knew right then.  Rest assured, however, that the obsolete statements were there to protect all of you and our trusted operatives, and not merely to keep you from being fully informed.  After all, if we didn't want you fully informed, would we be writing this post?

Anyway, to get to the point, our answer to the question "Is 'Edgar' still alive?" did not, unfortunately, reveal all that we knew about the situation at the time.  Now that we have completed our operation (more about the information gleaned from our operation when we have had a chance to collate and catalog the information we obtained) we can be more frank about what we know.  If they have not already, the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch will soon discover that they have not had "Edgar" in their midst for the last month, but our loyal Count Quisling.

In late June our once-maligned operative "Nikolai" discovered "Edgar" passed out in a gully just outside the Parent Corporation's headquarters.  Sensing an opportunity, he quickly put his missions on hold and checked "Edgar's" vital signs.  Finding him to be alive he decided to observe him for a while.  Several hours later "Edgar" appeared to take a turn for the worse, at which point "Nikolai" took him to the GNU Public Hospital's secure ward for further observation.  The opinion of the expert attending physicians (at least after they relentlessly ridiculed the opinion of the intern who suggested that "Edgar" appeared to have attempted suicide) was that "Edgar" had probably ingested some hole punch leavings tainted with noxious chemicals with the hope to end his miserable existence.  Our operative inside the Parent Corporation was contacted and, since we found that the Parent Corporation knew nothing of "Edgar's" current state we devised a brilliant plan to replace him with his twin, Count Quisling.  Quisling bravely offered to have his pinkies severed so that he might more fully deceive the Parent Corporation, but our operative assured us that "Edgar" always wore his prosthetic pinkies and that nobody would notice.

Quisling was quickly able to gain entry to "Edgar's" offices, and began surreptitiously copying interesting files.  As it turns out, however, all of the interesting files predated the merger with the UBHP, which raised Quisling's suspicions.  Instead of being an in-and-out operation, Quisling decided to stay (against our wishes) to find out whatever he could about the current state of our nemesis.

We have known for a long time now that "Jack" has his own motives for the Parent Corporation and the UBHP, but we never suspected how completely his vision had been accepted.  It seems that nearly everyone that disagreed with his vision joined the New Company when it split, and that the few remaining dissenters have either recently retired or disappeared under mysterious circumstances.  According to Quisling, none of "Edgar's" associates remains at the Parent Corporation/UBHP, which is likely why "Edgar" decided to get out.  "Edgar's" role was so diminished that since we had Quisling (acting as "Edgar") resign a week ago we have heard no rumblings of looking for a replacement for him or any memo thanking him for his services or anything like that.

As for "Edgar," we placed him in the TORSO reality simulator and are watching his movements closely.  He has not yet admitted that he tried to kill himself, but his aimless playing of first-person tetris all day at "work" implies that his spirit has indeed been broken by "Jack".

We cannot yet release all of what we found about "Jack" and his fellow "Crafties" but we can say this: the Parent Corporation and the UBHP are mere shadows of the threats they were just a few months ago.  They have abandoned their goals of spreading hole punches and other evil office products in favor of hording them for themselves.  According to several memos they no longer consider us their enemy.  Unless something completely unexpected happens, we believe they will probably be occasionally annoying but of little real global consequence.

Equality and Communication

For those who follow such things (which we hope is all of our faithful supporters) this recent article about the inequality of man (and beasts) has been causing a good deal of controversy since its publication.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not egalitarian, which is why we feel the need to tell you what this means for you so that we can keep you in your places without having to impose our will on you violently.

The fundamental argument of the article is that egalitarian models are less efficient than hierarchical ones, and that hierarchies arise naturally out of the need and desire to improve efficiency in decision making.  We have posted about these ideas before and have come to the same conclusions.  What makes this article so controversial among our supporters, however, is the suggestion that all are not created equal.  At the GPD we believe that all men are created equal, but that through their choices they differentiate themselves.  Those of us who are members of the Board of Dictators have obviously differentiated ourselves very well and have established that we are fit to run the world, while many of our enemies have shown utter disdain for society and have made it very clear that they cannot be part of the New Future.  The vast majority of world citizens, however, are part of neither group.  The aforementioned article mentions that the more reliable the "Big Man" is, the steeper the hierarchy will be.  We believe that since we, the Board of Dictators, do such a fine job, the hierarchy will be essentially flat, with one shining group of pillars among world citizens: us.  This model will keep democracy alive by flattening the hierarchy for the vast majority of world citizens and simultaneously retain the efficiency of a steep hierarchy.  World citizens will be able to rejoice that they are all on the same footing, while we will be able to direct humanity (and other forms of life) in a peaceful existence.  What could be better?

Complaints

Many of our supporters have asked whether we reached our goal of 3 million complaints for the Allies by the afternoon of July 4.  The short answer is yes.  The longer answer is that we had received all of the complaints by the afternoon of July 4, but because of some logistical failings and the fact that most of our United States volunteers were participating in festivities on the 4th of July we did not compile the list until Thursday at about noon.  We delivered the 3.4 million complaints we received to the Allies later that day, and, while they expressed sympathy with the pain our supporters have felt, they did not apologize or tell us they had made a mistake in their plans.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not forgiving, but it does irk us that our (purported) Allies do not appear to regret nearly dividing us in two.  While reproducing all 3.4 million complaints here would be overkill, below are a few of the complaints received through our Austin, Texas GPD County:

• "I have been forced to submit to a DNA test to prove I do not leave stools around the neighborhood. How humiliating."  (Submitted by Rex)
• "I believe My text editor has been hacked" (Submitted by Jane Neuman)
• "Jimmy (the neighborhood squirrel) is far too popular" (Submitted by Ferdinand the Crow)
• "Antibacterial soap is used far too much" (Submitted by representatives of the Lactobacillus bifidus community in Austin, Texas)
• "People keep calling me 'Bessie'--it's offensive" (Submitted by Mary the cow, who believes the Allies have turned people against cows)

We would like to thank all those who submitted complaints and we assure you that full relations with the Allies will not resume until we have satisfied ourselves that all of your complaints have been addressed!

Culprit(s) Identified

In our post on Monday we asked our supporters to look out for any of the counterfeit job postings, and thanks to your loyal enthusiasm we have now identified the person or persons responsible for posting them.  It seems that there was a small group of operative aides that have been feeling left out since when we advertise that an operative is working on something we never explicitly recognize the team of aides supporting that operative.  The aides have been dealt with appropriately, and will not be repeating their mistake.  As a side note, the policy of the GNU Public Dictatorship is to use code names for operatives and their support staff.  When we report that "Viktor" uncovered a large conspiracy, for instance, we mean that the operative whose code name is "Viktor" (in this case Eduardo Hans Gottlieb*) was the one putting himself in harm's way but also that his support staff (who will remain nameless for their protection) probably helped him in researching or placement or extraction.  We aren't giving glory to the operatives or their support staff directly, but to both of them indirectly.  We hope you will all understand, and for all of you support staff, we sincerely hope we won't have to deal with you as well!

* Most of the time our operatives' names are never revealed.  The case of Eduardo Hans Gottlieb is different, as we thought for a while that he had died a horribly messy death in the middle of a key operation.  We wrote his obituary a few months after his apparent passing and then learned that he hadn't actually passed away.  In most cases we would retire the moniker "Viktor" and assign a new one, but since all of his living relatives and friends are already operatives for the GPD, the precaution seemed unnecessary.

The Return of Baby Piracy?

Since we exposed the baby pirates for what they were we had thought the general public had steered clear of baby piracy.  Unfortunately, this does not appear to be the case.  When this incident occurred earlier this month we sent our operatives to investigate and found that despite our pleas the piracy of babies continues in remote parts of the world.  We thought they would be smart enough to obtain documents for their pirated babies, but it appears that they hold the pirated babies in lower regard than we thought, endangering them by putting them through the X-ray machines at the airport.  Rest assured that we will redouble our efforts to ensure that creators of babies don't have to worry about other couples stealing the results of their creativity without giving proper attribution.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not determined to stamp out this heinous practice once and for all!

Are they mocking us?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence in world domination, which is why we are always looking for expendable people with low-to-moderate skills to further our aims and bring the New Future.  Some have labeled us "uncaring" or "exploitative" but we think they are just plain wrong.  Our goals for the GPD require that all world citizens bear some of the responsibility and the costs, and to expect members of the Board of Dictators to endanger themselves on missions where the odds are stacked against us or to serve as guinea pigs for new inventions is unreasonable.

Recently we discovered that someone (probably either inspired by the New Company or a disgruntled employee who is upset at the lack of glory they have received in our organization) posted a sign that parodies our job listings and tries, presumably, to dissuade the intelligent from applying to help in the New Future.  Here is the sign we discovered:

Here is one of our job listings from last week:

WANTED: BENEVOLENT DICTATORS seek malleable individuals to dedicate their lives in ongoing attempts to rule the world.  Must be prepared to work at nearly any time of day or day of the week and must be willing to forgo most compensation until after successful completion of ruling the world.  Enemies abound, so the risk of a messy death is a real one, but uniforms and prototypes of all new weapons (including, but not limited to, laser death rays) will be provided.  Full background check will be run; weirdos please refrain from applying.  Apply at your local GNU Public Dictatorship office at ___(address hand written here)__.

While the posts are not identical, there is certainly a bit of similarity and it is clear that the poster of the "EVIL GENIUS" ad wants to paint us as (1) evil, (2) fascist, (3) psychopathic, and (4) uncaring.  We object strenuously to this portrayal of our operations even while we are grateful for the characterization of our plans as "genius."

If you encounter such ads in your neighborhood please contact your local GPD office so that we can investigate them and take appropriate action.  At the GPD we are nothing if not geniuses!

Update: Sewing Needles

Many of you provided your input on sewing needles, and we debated their merits and dangers for many hours yesterday.  We had made our final decision and were about to release a statement, when we received confirmation that the individuals involved in the needle sandwich incident were not working with any organized group of evildoers.  Our decision remained unchanged, but some of the wording in our official statement had to be changed to remove references to the New Company.  Here is our official statement:

Sewing Needles are plentiful in today's world, and most of them are used correctly.  Sewing machines often have needles, and many travelers carry sewing kits that include one or more needles.  You may not be aware that nearly all of your clothes are made on sewing machines, but it is certainly the case.  As with many implements we encounter in our day-to-day lives, however, sewing needles can be used for evil.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your safety, which is why we recommend the following guidelines when dealing with sewing needles or any other implements that can be used to perforate:

1. Be aware of the sharp end of the needle at all times.  Needle accidents can be very painful.
2. Do not use needles to attack others. They are quite small and will likely damage your tissue nearly as much as the tissue of your enemies if you use them in close combat.
3. Put needles away as soon as you are done using them. The number one cause of needle accidents is improper storage.
4. Do not ingest needles.  If you encounter a needle in your food, stop eating it immediately.

While we believe that sewing needles, used improperly, can cause severe discomfort or transmit pathogens, safe sewing needle use is possible and does not take much effort.  Consequently, the GPD does not recommend ridding your homes and offices of sewing needles.

We would like to ask all of our supporters to step up to the task we have given you and use needles responsibly.  If we hear of too many incidents we will have to reverse our decision and add them to our list of evil implements, which would have serious repercussions for the fashion industry.

Update: Worm Eye Threat (WET)

On Tuesday we reported to all of you about the unfortunate man duped by the New Company into using dangerous gardening tools and having a worm placed in his eye.  Today our operatives have finally finished digging (in the evidence, not the garden) and will be able to educate you as to the threat this actually poses.  The remainder of this post is a summarized version of the report our operatives prepared, which can be obtained by submitting form 9954J-B5 "Request for GPD Operative Output Level 3 (RGOOL3)" to your local GPD office.

WET (Worm Eye Threat)
The New Company has recently introduced a new initiative which they call WET.  Among its stated aims is to destroy the visual acuity of a large number of world citizens and the promotion of what they call "alternative gardening."   There are twenty-three stated aims of the WET project, but most of them were not interesting enough to include in this summary.  See the full text for more details.

WET Phase 1 was carried out in an underground cavern using denizens of the caverns to determine whether WET was viable in humans and in other animals.  While visual acuity was decreased, many animals that dwell in caverns rely very little on vision, so many of the victims felt very little impact.

WET Phase 2 was carried out in India.  The man mentioned in the news reports was their only successful trial to date, and because of the side effect of pain in his eye, the worm did not reach full maturity and was not what they would call a complete success.  The ease with which "alternative gardening" was espoused in this region of India, however, has encouraged the New Company to continue working out the details.

WET Phase 3 is scheduled to be carried out as soon as Phase 2 can be called a complete success, and involves widespread infection on a global scale.  Conservative estimates show that, if successful, their project would limit the visual acuity of 12-15% of world citizens, with high estimates raising that number to approximately 44%.

WET Phase 4 is supposed to be where the New Company steps in with corrective lenses made from hole punch leavings to be provided for free globally.  The dependence produced on the New Company would allow them to peddle their influence to much greater circles and would, left unchecked, signal the demise of the world as we know it and would preclude our reaching the New Future.

Recommendations for combating WET include

1. Resisting the temptation to try new hole-punch based gardening techniques
2. Regular eye exams
3. Moderation on all hobbies, including gardening.
4. A balanced healthy diet, free of brads and hole punch leavings
5. Consistent exercise

Following these recommendations should mitigate the threats posed by the New Company at this time.

Horrifying

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not shocked and appalled by the lengths to which our enemies will go to destroy society.  Take, for example, this incident, which even the mainstream media labels as troublesome.  The fact that someone decided to add sewing needles to airline food is disturbing at the very least, and more likely horrifying!  The GPD has always opposed illicit perforation and twisting, and, while sewing needles are generally very useful tools, we are now considering whether sewing needles have enough potential for evil that we should ask our supporters to refrain from using them.  If you have a strong opinion about sewing needles, please contact your local GPD office before tomorrow's meeting of the Board of Dictators.

As for responsibility for this incident, our operatives obtained a New Company memo in which "Gertrude" refers to this incident and asks for restraint in "uncontrolled operations," but we are still not sure whether the New Company was involved or not in this incident.  Clearly the intent of these needles was to perforate people's mouths, which is consistent with the New Company's goals, but we wonder whether they would create an incident such as this one, which will likely cause people to fear needles rather than to embrace them.

Despicable

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if appalled by our enemies' lack of concern for human (and non-human) life, but every now and again they still do something so despicable that we have trouble believing it.  Take the case of this Indian man, who was clearly deceived by the New Company into using untested and dangerous hole punch-style gardening tools.  His wife didn't want to create an enemy of the New Company, but she does clearly want to point the finger at her husband's "gardening habits."  We're not sure why the New Company would want to puncture this man's eye and insert a worm, but we have some suspicions.  We'll investigate them, but please, please, PLEASE do not let anyone talk you into using hole-punch-style gardening tools lest you, too, have a worm growing in your eye.

Lost Operatives Found!

We recently reported that we were still unaware of the locations of several of our operatives in the wake of the fiasco with the Allies.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased to be able to reveal that we have now found all five lost operatives.  In order to not compromise their missions we will refer to them and to their missions with code words.  The operatives will be referred to as A, B, C, D, and E, and their missions will be referred to as U, V, W, X ,Y, Z, and Z'.  Here is our summary:

When operatives A and B, who were working together on missions V, W, and Z' when they disappeared, were found, they were attending a scrapbooking sleepover in Lehi, UT.  We thought Juliana's efforts had eliminated this pernicious threat to our children's futures, but apparently there are still pockets of people evil enough (or perhaps ignorant enough) to subject our impressionable children to prolonged exposure to hole punches and brads.  A and B had completed missions V and W, and were ready to proceed to mission Z' when they were sidetracked by the sleepover.  While neither A nor B is a teenager or a girl, they attempted to disguise themselves as teenage girls, but after several unsuccessful attempts were nearly ready to give up.  It just so happened that the scrapbooking sleepover was looking for staff, and A and B were able to bluff their way in as staff.  Due to their efforts 53 teenage girls were saved from potential brad addiction and one staff member was exposed as a member of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  In this case, the fiasco with the Allies did not contribute to our losing track of these operatives, it just happened to coincide with their disappearance.  Mission Z' will just have to wait for now.

Unfortunately operative C was not found soon enough to help her, but she is in stable condition in the GNU Public Hospital in Toronto, Canada.  She was able to complete mission Z, but before she could report she was accosted by angry ferrets who caused her to fall into a ravine.  The ferrets have been contacted and it seems they are willing to live by the truce.  They were under the impression that humans were going to start using ferrets as underwear, which has never been proposed.  Okay, so it has been proposed, but it never made it past the proposal stages and was never considered in a full meeting of the Board of Dictators.  Operative C is expected to make a full recovery and will be awarded the Hero of the People, Operative Edition (HPOE) for her valiant efforts.  Unfortunately we cannot reveal her name for fear of compromising her future missions.

Operative D was found by operative E late last week.  D had been attempting mission W but had failed to get past the initial stages and was attempting a risky maneuver when the coyotes he was riding betrayed him and left him in the middle of the Sonoran desert.  (Apparently the coyotes were mad that humans were not containing the wildfires in their brothers' territory quickly enough)  To add insult to injury the coyotes took everything from him that wasn't in his mouth.  D did have a single waterproof match in his mouth and was able to survive comfortably.  He found a source of water and made himself clothes and a canteen from cactus fibers and was about to make an attempt to cross the desert when operative E found him.

Operative E had been working on missions X and Y and was searching for the coyotes that had (unknown to E) recently betrayed D.  He found D early one morning and they were easily able to return to the den of the coyotes.  The coyotes at this point expressed remorse for their hasty decision and asked to be able to help them again.  Operative D continued his risky maneuver while Operative E (who had been searching the desert since before the truce) decided it was time to check in.

We are pleased that our operatives are all accounted for and that none of the injuries they received during the fiasco with the Allies are likely to be permanent or to kill them.  It seems like perhaps the Allies weren't trying to completely destroy us.

A positive step!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not patient, which is why we have been waiting to impose our will on the world until they are ready.  That moment appears to be nearing, as in a Pew Reseach Center poll conducted last week the GNU Public Dictatorship finally received a plurality of votes!  Respondents were asked to choose among several potential forms of government.  Included on the list were the status quo, corporate governance (think the New Company or the Parent Corporation), religious radicalism (think the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch), Bashar al-Assad, parliamentary systems, and several others.  More people chose the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators (11%)  than chose any other system (the status quo had 10.8%), which is just plain awesome, and takes us one small step closer to our goal of world domination and the New Future!

Choosing When to Disobey the Law

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the rule of law and order, but we also understand that sometimes it may be necessary to violate a law or two when a higher purpose is at stake.  The challenge, of course, is to determine when a higher purpose is actually at stake.  To address this challenge Johann LeBeau, our Director of Education, has been creating a course that will be offered at your local GPD county offices very soon.  Quite a number of our supporters have already taken the course while it was in beta, but we believe that when "Choosing When to Disobey the Law" is available everywhere people will not have to think so hard about whether a specific situation is justification for breaking the law.  We hope that this course will prevent situations like this one, in which Flora Burkhart decided that keeping her ice cream from melting was adequate justification for leaving the scene of an accident.  Some of you may be asking why ice cream isn't important enough to justify leaving the scene of an accident, so we'll elaborate a bit on the nuances of the situation.  The following graph from the course materials should help:

This graph should help you decide whether to stop and wait for the Police or to flee the scene of an accident.  While this is clearly an oversimplification, the primary variables to consider are the value of the ice cream and the outside temperature.  Other variables that you should consider include the amount of time already spent with the ice cream in the car and the temperature of the freezer at the location of purchase or acquisition.

This graph is just one of the many useful tools available in the new course at your local GPD office!

Unfair

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fair, which is why we find it despicable that a lifeguard can be fired for saving a life outside his jurisdiction.  We know that the reach of the New Company is extensive, and we would like to make it clear that none of our supporters will be punished for combating evil regardless of whether it is in their designated watch area.  On the other hand, we have assigned you all designated watch areas for a reason, and if you leave your watch area unattended while pursuing suspects elsewhere, be aware that you will be held responsible for any hullabaloo in your own watch area.

Nonsense?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to accuracy and fairness, which is why when we discovered that the machine we used to talk to a cuttlefish was tampered with we used it on ourselves.  Daniel, Juliana, and I used the machines during a recent GPD meeting.  We all experienced minor headaches, for which we apologized to Crktdwk, but perhaps more striking is the nonsense that came from the machine.  Here is a portion of the transcript provided by the machine (the transcript provided by our secretary follows):

Daniel: The next item on the agenda of the signs of evil and danger to the miners in England.
Juliana:  We have new information?
Tim: Team, are children of parents said that the air filter, put a label on the wrong key '.
Daniel: These reports, at least a few hours before, and I think it will take positive action.
Juliana: If so, we must move forward.
Tim: Opinion.
Daniel: Approved.

And from our secretary:

Daniel: The next issue on the agenda is the threat posed by evil stickers to coal miners in England.
Juliana:  Do we have any new data?
Tim: We have anecdotal reports of blocked air filters caused by children re-affixing portions of evil stickers on their parents' gear.
Daniel: Those reports are at least a few hours old by now, and I believe we have already taken corrective action.
Juliana: If that is the case, I propose that we move on.
Tim: Agreed.
Daniel: Agreed.

The discrepancy is small but significant, and sheds some doubt on our conversation with Crktdwk, but we still believe there may be octopi out there mad enough to try to give humans mad cow disease because of the compacted Gross Domestic Product, but we will decrease the priority of our investigations in this realm.  Opinion?

An apology to Crktdwk

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why when we discover that the machine used to communicate with Crktdwk the cuttlefish was tampered with by "Edgar" while he was impersonating Count Quisling we feel we should apologize.  The tampering appears to have affected the accuracy of the translation and the pain(lessness) level of the original machine.  We are sorry that  he had to suffer slightly, and we have promised to use the machines on ourselves in the near future in order to patch things up.  A formal apology has been sent to Crktdwk and his kin, and we hope that our negligence in this matter will not complicate human/non-human supporter relations.

A Summary of What We Know Right Now

Many of our supporters have submitted form UU77712-J (Request for Summary of GPD Knowledge) regarding several topics lately.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned that we seem to be falling short in providing the information you have come to expect from us, so we will take a post to answer publicly many of the forms we have received.  (We're sorry, Edward F. of Tallahassee, Florida...we are rejecting your request for a summary of what we know about Grebans.  You'll have to rely on our already published statements as we deem the risk to society of exposure of known successful and unsuccessful techniques too great).

About the Allies

114,103 of the forms we received asked for more information about the Allies.  Apparently we have been vague about several aspects of our relationship to them.

Q.  Didn't the allies join us in February of 2010?
A.  While it is true that many of the Allies joined our ranks in 2010 (including Wolfgang Gottlieb, father of our top operative "Viktor") it is not true that the Allies were absorbed by the GPD.  They continued to meet independently of the GPD and have at various times been less communicative.
Q.  Why don't we just annihilate them if they are at cross purposes with us?
A.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to our peaceful ruling of the New Future, which is why we cannot afford to alienate any group that is not clearly evil.  The Allies have disagreed with us on several occasions, but we are united against the New Company and the Parent Corporation.
Q.  What are the Allies up to?
A.  According to our recent meetings they have many secret missions under development.  They disclosed to us some of their current goals and were able to persuade us that, while their recent actions were deplorable, they are not incompatible with our long term goals.
Q.  What are the secret missions they have disclosed to you?
A.  We cannot at this time discuss this matter, as the missions will affect the security of world citizens living in the affected area or areas.
Q.  Will the GPD become part of the Allies, or vice versa, or will they continue this uneasy partnership?
A.  The answer to this question is unknown at this point.  Oh, wait... we do know that we won't become part of the Allies, but we are unsure about the other options.

About the New Company

87,221 of the forms asked for information about "Gertrude" and the New Company.

Q.  Is "Gertrude" a phantom or a real leader of the New Company?
A.  Yes and yes.  The "Gertrude" we examined earlier and determined to be a real woman was merely a figurehead that was used and discarded when she no longer proved useful.  The real "Gertrude" is much more mysterious and may not be a woman at all.
Q.  Is the New Company a formidable threat?
A.  Yes.  They possess many of the attributes that created the Company's success so many years ago, and they also benefit from a knowledge of how we defeated their predecessors.  They are still bent on world domination and on the widespread use of brads, hole punches, and evil stickers.
Q.  Does the New Company still report to the Parent Corporation?
A.  Our operatives would say no, but we hesitate to answer so definitively.  There still appear to be ties, but in recent months no reporting structure has been uncovered.
Q.  Is the New Company bent on destroying the Parent Corporation?
A.  Possibly.  There is some animosity there, but there are also some ties.  We won't know for sure until they make their strategy more clear.

About the Lost Operatives

23,917 of the forms asked about the five operatives that have gone missing.

Q.  Were they working on anything terribly important?
A.  Yes, all of our operatives are.
Q.  What about the operatives tasked with finding ways to get high scores on popular online games?
A.  You're saying that isn't important?
Q.  Have you found them or traces of them?
A.  Not yet, which is why we are still a bit mad at the Allies for causing us to lose them.
Q.  Who are they?
A.  Loyal operatives of the GPD.  Their names will not be released, but know that "Viktor" is not one of them.

About the Parent Corporation/Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch

27,333 of the forms asked about the Parent Corporation and the UBHP.

Q.  Is the Parent Corporation still a threat?
A.  Under its current leadership we believe it will continue to be more and more irrelevant.  "Jack" has taken the merged Corporation in such a bizarre self-serving direction that we don't believe it will survive beyond the end of this year, but perhaps with enough restructuring it could be a viable company soon.
Q.  Is "Edgar" still alive?
A.  We think so, although we haven't heard from him for some time now.  We believe he is either being manipulated by "Jack" or he is complicit in "Jack's" strange goals.  If he is dead then there is somebody impersonating him in the Parent Corporation, as recent photographs do surface from time to time.  We don't know of anyone other than Count Quisling who could pull that off, but we know that he would have to cut his pinkies off in order to do so effectively, and the last time we saw Count Quisling (just over a week ago) he still had both pinkies.  Unless they were prosthetic, which we didn't verify.
Q.  What does "Jack" want to accomplish?
A.  We have no idea.  He seems to be stuck in a ridiculous "Craftie" fantasy with no apparent reason.

We hope this has cleared up some confusion about what we are up to, and that you can now stop flooding our inboxes with these forms!

Bring Your Own...

In many industries companies have decided that they can cut costs by asking employees to bring their own laptops or tablets so that they can do their work.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to thrift, which is why we have taken this idea and expanded it.  For many companies the largest expense besides salaries is the facilities, which is why we are now proposing that budget-conscious firms should close most of their offices, retaining in them only the portion of the equipment and employees that need to be there, and instead of providing offices or cubicles for employees to ask them to bring their own office.  There are many styles that could be accommodated, including a drive-in-movie style, where employees park in a large parking area and use provided power cords and wireless access to do their work, all the way to more luxurious bring-your-own-office arrangements such as parking garages with shade (so that employees don't have to run their air conditioning the whole time they are working.

We are trying a test implementation of BYOO at the GPD headquarters, and our accountants are telling us it is saving quite a bit when compared to company-provided offices.  They tell us we could save even more by asking everyone to work at home and telecommute, but everyone knows that communication is a problem when people don't work at the same location.  One troubling trend we have noticed, however, is that some employees are trying to outdo each other and show their status by the luxury of the office they bring to work.  Perhaps we will have to furnish offices just to keep this competition in check...

A Truce

Our second day of meetings with the Allies is proceeding better than the first, and we would like to announce that we have laid the groundwork for a truce.  The conditions of the truce are that we will not move to harm them in any way and that they will cease attempting to harm us.  While it may seem rather rudimentary, especially to those of you who have taken Diplomacy 4421A: The Art of the Peace Summit, we believe it is a positive step.  The Allies continue to insist that their motives have always been innocent, and that they mean us no harm, but we aren't sure we're ready to believe them yet.  Unless we encounter some difficulties, however, we believe that we will suspend our talks for now, and focus on the more pressing issues, like reconstructing our research and finding the lost operatives that were in the midst of it.

Outlook not so good

We are well into our first day of meetings with the Allies (if they can be called our allies) and we are sad to say that we have made little, if any, progress.  We appear to have understood correctly the motive and method of their operatives, and we are not pleased to learn that we have been targeted for bifurcation.  They are urging us to keep listening to them, and we will for now, but we are quickly losing patience (although we are reluctant to sever our relationship with them).  We are pleased that their attempts to divide us have not been successful, but we are disappointed that we have lost several weeks worth of effort.  Recent figures show that no fewer than seventy-eight of our operatives were slowed by the recent feuding, and at least five operatives have disappeared along with their reports.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the New Future, which is why we won't let these setbacks destroy us, but we would like to ask all of our supporters to join us in letting the Allies know they have gone too far this time by visiting your GPD county offices and filling out a complaint card which we will deliver to them.  Our goal is 3 million complaints by tomorrow afternoon!

Peace!

It is with great pleasure that we announce that representatives from many of the species that make up our supporters have met to declare a cease fire and to patch up relations.  It seems that the revelation that an outside entity was trying to divide us has evoked the opposite response!

On a separate note our meeting with the Allies begins tomorrow.  If you have suggestions on what we should say/do to them, please submit them at your local GPD office by 6 am UTC tomorrow morning.  We look forward to hearing from you, and we hope you all enjoy our rediscovered unity!

A Meeting with the Allies

The Allies have contacted us and offered to have our representatives meet to discuss the latest incidents between us.  They have assured us that they consider us a valuable institution in the fight against brads and that the recent actions apparently against us were not meant to harm anyone.  We have agreed to meet with them early next week and will keep you apprised of any developments.  At this point, we are a bit skeptical, but we figure we will give them a chance.  After all, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not forgiving!

It is starting to make sense...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad that we finally understand many of the problems that have led to our current human/non-human supporter crisis, and we're nothing if not thrilled that it doesn't appear to be the New Company or even the Parent Corporation.  At the same time, however, we are a bit distraught at what we have found out.

Our break came when we discovered an apparent mistake in a news article about the recent wildfires.  The first sentence explains that homes in Colorado Springs are being destroyed; not by the fire raging there but by the "wildfires raging across six US states."  As is always the case in such cases we directed our operatives to verify or dismiss the idea, and when they came back and said that it was indeed the case that all of the wildfires in the western United States at the moment are being used to destroy homes in Colorado Springs through the use of some sort of satellite heat transfer system (which, by the way, we have summarily destroyed) we began our investigation in earnest.  It turns out that the heat transfer system was registered to an entity calling itself "Allied Solutions" and that it had been created over the last two years without fanfare and had been advertised as a weather monitoring system  (one of our operatives had discovered the heat transfer system and had used his influence to get his message printed in the new article.  Unfortunately, he is now missing and presumed dead).  We won't go into all of the gory details of the investigation, but, as you may have guessed, "Allied Solutions" doesn't really exist.  The paper trail we did discover (we got the jump on them by acting more quickly than they had expected) led us to some familiar names and faces, and before long we found ourselves looking at the group we had called the Allies.

We had thought the Allies were with us, and they have proven useful in our fight against brads, but we have never fully understood their motivations.  If the trail that we discovered has not been tampered with, it appears that they have been trying to use the wildfires to drive home the point that humans will defend their own habitats much more quickly than they will defend the habitats of non-humans, and that therefore our promise of equal rights for all is nothing more than political posturing.  We are deeply saddened by this libelous accusation and hope that we have misunderstood.  The trail showed further evidence that many of the other incidents that have strained relations among our supporters were instigated by their operatives.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, but we must also admit that, as in any decision, a variety of factors are considered when limited resources are applied to problems such as wildfires.  In general, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.  When the ones exerting their efforts are the few, however, the equation often reverses.  We ask all of our human and non-human supporters to come together and understand that we do believe we can all live together in harmony and peace.

A Conversation with a Cuttlefish

After Datasect posted his comments on this post we decided to talk to the cuttlefish he suspected may be behind the recent conflicts between our human and our other supporters.  Our investigation is by no means complete, but the following conversation with one representative of our cuttlefish supporters was very interesting, which is why we have reproduced it below.

Lest you think we are confused, we don't believe cuttlefish can talk.  We understand that they do not have vocal chords, and that the sounds they produce have never been deciphered as language.  In order to communicate with them we attached electrodes to various locations on their bodies and used an algorithm developed by Count Quisling to translate the signals into speech.  The algorithm is not perfect, but it is better than nothing.  Here is our conversation:

Tim: Hello, loyal cuttlefish.  Can you understand me?
Cuttlefish: Yes, Tim dictator. I understand very well.
Tim: Excellent.  Do you have a name?
Cuttlefish: Yes, some people tell me Crktdwk.
Tim: I will address you as Crktdwk, then.  Crktdwk, are you aware of the currently strained relations between human and non-human supporters of the GNU Public Dictatorship?
Crktdwk: I read a blog, and met with numerous dark brown, some people very angry supporters of the GNU General Public dictatorship.
Tim: I am sorry to hear about the dark brown.  Have you heard of any organized movements in your fellow cuttlefish or other species with which you may have interacted?
Crktdwk: I said, my brother Gtplnwk octopus, swimming pool, on the internet, and tried, but I is compacted of gross domestic product (GDP), an accident, to joint efforts.
Tim: I'm sorry, Crktdwk, I don't think I understood that.  Did the compacted gross domestic product of the swimming pool anger an octopus and lead to efforts to organize?
Crktdwk: My message was translated to the campaign, and I do not have an organized movement, literally. Contract mad cow big octopus and gross national product (GDP).
Tim: I understand that you are not affiliated with any organized movements.  Are you saying that the movement is trying to infect humans with mad cow disease via big octopi?  I guess they got angry about the economic crisis humans created?
Crktdwk: It is not impossible. I'm mad cow octopus, or refuses to call me again to talk about it. Seafood are you?
Tim: No, I am not seafood.  We will have our operatives investigate the viability of transmitting mad cow through octopi.  If they call you again to talk, let us know.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to making the world a better place for all of its inhabitants.
Crktdwk: Now you can be fishing? Personally I am tired of the dictatorship of the GNU discussion. I will not eat. Hey, now.
Tim: I think you are wise to not eat seafood.  We will be fishing for clues right away.  Hey, now!
Crktdwk: the.

As you can see, the translation is far from perfect, but at least we now have some leads to investigate.  Who would have thought the economic crisis brought on by humans would have angered the octopi enough to devise a method to use themselves to spread mad cow disease to unsuspecting humans.  Perhaps we should, in the short term, follow Crktdwk's advice, and not eat.  Caution may be the best choice, after all!

This is starting to get ridiculous

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not anxious for everything to return to normal, which is why it irks us so when incidents such as this petty lawsuit continue to complicate relations between our human and non-human supporters.

Ever since Kofi Annan brokered the human/non-human ceasefire we have had hopes that this volatile relationship would right itself, but neither side has been willing to implement the peace plan.  Both sides are apparently employing gangs of thugs to do their dirty work, and animal attacks on humans have been steadily rising over the last few weeks.  Violence against animals is harder to quantify as various forms of torture and murder of many animal species are routinely permitted in the otherwise civilized world.  Differentiating between "sport" and "retaliation" is a challenge that has proven too difficult for now.

What is worse, our observers have been coming under attack and we believe it may not be safe to keep them where they are.  The situation is rapidly developing into a civil war, or, perhaps worse, a schism.

For years our enemies have dreamed of dividing us, but we have held steady.  Our triumphs over the last few years are a testament to the dedication of our supporters, and we could not have made it this far without the spirit of unity that usually pervades our efforts.  Let us not give in to our enemies' plans to divide us, but let us go forward united against evil.  United we stand, divided we fall, etc., etc.

Anyway, if the situation continues to worsen we fear we may have to discipline our less-cooperative supporters.  We don't want it to get so out of hand that we have to take arms against our own supporters, but if it comes to that be assured that we will win.

Again, can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not disappointed that more of our supporters aren't letting bygones be bygones and moving on.  A recent string of events including, but not limited to an unfortunate incident where a moose was used as ammunition in a dastardly attack, an apparently retaliatory raid on a backyard party by a herd of cows, and several other incidents including sheep abuse, and mutant super-hens has apparently caused a significant rift in our supporters.  Our supporters have always been a diverse group, but we have always been able to see past our differences.  The recent introduction of the Orvillecopter appeared to be just what we needed to reset relations between the two groups, but, sadly, our supporters are still divided.

Case in point, BiBi and Poldi, who have begun fighting after a century-long romance.  Zoo officials are baffled at their falling out.  Our operatives, however, have confirmed that BiBi is more sympathetic to the cause of non-human supporters of the GPD (she believes we are saying that some are more equal than others), while Poldi believes the movement is primarily a human one, and that humans are more important to it than non-human supporters.  Our operatives attempted to resolve the conflict, but were unable to convince them that both of their arguments make sense.  At the GPD we are nothing if not dedicated to equal rights, which is why we will fight abuses in any form, regardless of who or what is being abused, especially when we find that the GPD is responsible for the abuse.  At the same time, current generations of cows have not demonstrated an organizational ability sufficient to combat the Parent Corporation and its evil affiliates or even the New Company with its minimal resources.  As such, the cows, while a full part of our movement, do rely heavily on the human members of the GPD.

We understand that the debate will rage on, but we do hope that our supporters can unite to face our common enemies very soon.  We don't have enough evidence to state it categorically yet, but we believe the New Company may be behind this recent string of divisive events, and it would be a shame to let them win simply because we can't all just get along.

Catcopter!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to excellence, which is why we were excited to learn of Bart Jansen's plans to turn his late pet cat into a remote control helicopter.  We were also a bit apprehensive as we weren't sure whether the helicopter would be a fitting memorial for his beloved cat, especially if he couldn't make it fly well, but our fears were allayed when we saw the finished product.  We know that tensions are high right now between our human and our other supporters, and that there have been several unfortunate incidents, but we ask now that all of our supporters unite behind the glory that is the Orvillecopter!

Oh, and the Parent Corporation has filed for separation from the New Company citing too many philosophical differences.  We are not surprised, especially as the Parent Corporation has been nearly driven into the ground by the Crafties and their zealous leader "Jack."  It appears that the schism has put some pressure on "Gertrude" and we're not sure she will remain CEO of the New Company, but our operatives think it likely that she will play a large role in shaping their vision regardless of what position she ends up in.  While both entities present a threat to world peace we believe that the New Company poses more of an immediate threat, but we will continue to keep you informed of any interesting bits of information our operatives glean about the goals of either entity.

Mutant super-hens?

In the ongoing conflict among human and non-human world citizens, it would be easy to overlook some apparently insignificant clues.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship, however, we are nothing if not thorough.  Recently we discovered a plot by some unscrupulous farmers with no apparent ties to the Parent Corporation to create super-hens.  As of yet their attempts have been unsuccessful, but more importantly, we have finally established the link we were missing.  One of the hens being tested on used to belong to a separatist group of the Parent Corporation.  We believe that it received its "modifications" there, and we hope that this means the farmers were just lucky to get the mutant hens and do not have an active research program capable of creating them.  Incidentally, the Parent Corporation hasn't been observed in super-hen trials since their spectacular failure in 2003.  We will do our best to keep you appraised of any new developments!

Can't we all just get along?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened when insignificant conflicts escalate beyond a reasonable level.  A case in point was the recent retaliation against some sheep, apparently for the incident where cows overstepped their authority.  We regret this incident and hope it will lead to no more suffering on the part of our supporters, human or otherwise.

Unethical behavior of animals

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to the ethical treatment of animals, but we do not use that commitment to justify heinous acts, regardless of who is committing them.  Most of our supporters understand this, but, sadly, some of them do not have the cognitive ability to distinguish equality from superiority.  It seems that some of our bovine supporters used our last message here (about the unethical treatment of a moose) to justify bullying their human neighbors and stealing their libations.  Our operatives were on the scene soon after the incident for damage control, and after the cows were collected they were informed that their actions were unacceptable.  They argued that they were just exerting their equality with humans, but after our operatives explained the likely outcome had a group of humans done what they did, they understood that they had made a mistake.

The cows involved in this incident are sorry for the trouble they caused, and have committed to make no such mistakes in the future.  Unfortunately, their IQs are low enough that we fear they may forget about this commitment.  We ask all of our supporters to keep an eye on the cows in their neighborhoods and inform their local GPD office if they find any raucous or rowdy behavior.