Some Clarifications

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by recent allegations that have been flying back and forth among world leaders, which is why we are taking this post to clarify some of the issues being misrepresented.  It seems to have begun with Hugo Chavez asserting that the US probably infects Latin American leaders with cancer, so we'll start there.

• The GPD did (accidentally) discover a way to infect people with cancer while studying methods to neutralize the part of the brain that becomes addicted to hole punches.  We made an announcement at the time, but we have not shared the particulars of that formula with any outside entity, and the scientist who worked on it hasn't been outside the lab in twelve years, so we couldn't possibly be behind Mr. Chavez's cancer.  We would never have unleashed such a dangerous thing on the world, and so if the United States government has found a way to infect people with cancer, they didn't get it from us, directly or indirectly.
• The recipe for exploding churros was not given to the Chilean newspaper by any of our operatives, although we cannot speak for the Allies.  They have been silent of late, and our efforts to confirm or deny their involvement in this incident have met with no success.  We can, however, state that we did not have anything to do with the churros, despite what people may be saying.
• The GNU Public Theme Park is not selling rides to private amusement parks without the designers' consent.  We don't know for sure how this rumor started, but we suspect the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch was involved.
• The GPD does not have a branch called the GNU Public Army.  We have not needed armed forces yet, and we hope to use much more subtle ways to take over the world.  If you meet someone claiming to be from the GNU Public Army and who claims to be a supporter of the GPD, please report them and your local GPD office so we can investigate their loyalties.  The GNU Public Army appears to have been started by the New Company, but the trail was fairly thin.  It may not be an official branch of the New Company, either, but it is clearly in communication with them.

We hope this clears a few things up.  We had hoped to introduce our new educational director today, but with all these allegations coming up we figured we had better delay his introduction to the world.  Keep your eyes open and be vigilant; together we will conquer our enemies!

Patience

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned about you, which is why we offer free courses at most of our local GPD offices in topics that will help you, such as wilderness survival, nano-robotics, propaganda, and patience.  Unfortunately, we are going to have to ask our supporters to show some patience, as the standard course in patience has been overwhelmed and there is a waiting list in most areas that exceeds five weeks.  In order to address this wait, we are currently hiring more instructors.  If you or someone you know is qualified to teach GPD courses in patience, please report to your local GPD offices.

In other news, we have a new educational director, Johann LeBeau (of the Hawaiian LeBeaus).  We will be posting more about him in the next week, so please check back soon!

A concerted effort to sully our reputation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pragmatic, which is why we are constantly working to make the world a better place.  Because of our passion for results, we have often worked extremely long hours to ensure that your world is safe for you.  Most of you know this and are understandably very grateful to us for our magnanimity, but a recent trend is threatening to sully our reputation.  Daniel recently discovered a new "GNU Skin" factory.  Until now we weren't sure whether they were trying to sully our reputation of that of Nu Skin Enterprises, but now we can state categorically that they were trying to convince investors that that were connected to the GPD.  We have discovered many things about GNU Skin, but I'll leave those for future posts.  Let it suffice that they are involved in the manufacture of many of the technologies used in creating the grebans we discovered last week.  We don't think there is an imminent threat from GNU Skin as it sits right now, but we do recommend that you follow common sense practices such as the ones Daniel outlined if you do find yourself in contact with someone from GNU Skin or any other person that claims to represent the GPD.

The title of this post mentions that this is a concerted effort, and many of you may be asking yourselves why I would title it that way and mention but a single incident.  Surely a single incident is no concerted effort.  Those of you who are asking yourselves these questions should report to your local GPD offices as soon as you can to request a course in patience (ask for course PAT-1267J), because I'm about to get to the rest of it.  Apparently there are a number of products, companies, and organizations now using the adjectives "GNU" or "New" to describe themselves.  We were already aware of The New Company, which split off from the Parent Corporation recently, but we hadn't realized that the name of the New Company was intended to convey to the  average world citizen that they were associated with the New Future.  While there are too many to list here, we'll mention a few of the larger organizations we have discovered:

• Citizens for a New Direction - a political action committee in Georgia, USA, dedicated to changing the state's laws in such a way that new brad factories can be built more easily there.
• GNU York City - A group of "concerned citizens" in New York, USA fighting for their right to conceal and carry dangerous items such as hole punches even through security checkpoints.
• The New Foundlanders - a Canadian organization dedicated to creating an environment there that is friendly to religious organizations such as the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch who do not have the interests of society at heart.

GNU Skin

I would like to bring a matter to public attention. I discovered a "GNU Skin" factory. Though it is not clear what they intend to sell, we want all of our supporters to be aware that GNU Skin is not an affiliate of the GNU Public Dictatorship at this time. Until more is known of this company, please exercise caution in dealing with them. The following pointers should be helpful if you should encounter someone claiming to work for the GPD:

1. Ask them how they feel about brads. The GPD will never suggest that they are safe.
2. Do not accept gifts if you were not expecting them -- they could contain brads.
3. Look for evil stickers or any other dangerous substances. GPD personnel are required to dispose of these immediately for the safety of themselves and any people they may visit.
4. If you have an encounter with someone you suspect of impersonating GPD personnel, do not allow them in you house or near your family and report them to a GPD office immediately.

Be safe and have a Merry Christmas from the Board of Dictators!

Grebans: confirmed

After a thorough investigation our operatives finally discovered a greban in a Cedar City morgue.  Unfortunately it had been dead for a few hours by the time our scientists examined it, but it revealed some important information.  Apparently our enemies have not yet been able to make grebans live for more than a few hours.  Without a bit more longevity the greban army we have feared is not a serious threat.  We will continue to keep you updated on our research into creating our own greban army and on our progress in thwarting the Parent Corporation's evil research into the same thing.

Human-Grebe Hybrids?

Many of our supporters have expressed concern over the incident where thousands of grebes to land in a parking lot in Cedar City, Utah, USA, thinking they were landing in a lake.  As a result, many grebes died, and many others were captured by private citizens and government workers.  What was most concerning, was the reports (including the caption on the picture in the link above) that the grebes were being released into bodies.  Not bodies of water, mind you, but bodies.  Our scientists have long tried to perfect the human-avian hybrid, with little luck.  It appears that this incident, however, may be cover for the Parent Corporation's experiments.  We have heard multiple reports of people in Utah apparently having been possessed by grebes, but by the time our operatives arrive on the scene all the evidence has been destroyed.  We believe that the Parent Corporation may have successfully created a greban (grebe-human hybrid), and we are asking for any of you who may have access to bodies in or near Cedar City to check them to see if grebes have been released into them.  With the help of our supporters we hope to have this cleared up shortly.

An apology

When we wrote our seminal post "How not to rob a bank" a few years ago, we thought we had provided a valuable service to would-be criminals everywhere.  We figured they would either prepare themselves adequately for the task they were undertaking or give up entirely.  As a matter of fact, the incidence of bank robbers being caught for silly mistakes has gone down slightly in the intervening months, but not as much as we would have hoped.  We have long suspected that it was people who don't read our blog that were making these mistakes, but we still can't prove that anyone doesn't read our blog.  Anyway, it turns out that some of these would-be criminals do read our blog, and that our advice wasn't complete.  As this man showed, we neglected to mention that you should only undertake to rob a bank when it is open.  We are sorry for any inconvenience our oversight may have caused, and we deeply regret having made this mistake.

An accident? We think not

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not skeptical of accidents.  More often than not there is a reason something "just happens" to someone.  Take this incident, for instance.  It looks like an unfortunate incident where a careless hunter was shot because his friend's dog discharged a shotgun.  But we should look a bit deeper.  Those reporting the incident are quite silent on the relationship between the two hunters.  Was it strained?  Did either have a motive for hurting the other?  Was it a publicity stunt?  Is the dog really a dog, or is it some sort of mechanical demon?  Even if the dog can be proven to be a dog now, was it really the dog that was hunting with them, or was it a robotic approximation of the dog?  When one considers all of these possibilities it becomes abundantly clear that "Accident" is the wrong label for this incident.  More than likely the Parent Corporation has been testing its robotic dog replacements.  Or possibly the whole thing is a setup for a new reality show.  Our operatives are searching for a real answer, but even then we may never know.

On a separate note, we have heard whispers of an important meeting at the Parent Corporation next week.  We'll let you know how it goes.

Gratitude

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful, which is why we love the holiday season.  We are especially grateful this year for a new Gallup poll that shows that more people think brads are dangerous than think they are innocuous.  Last year 24% of respondents said they found brads "possibly dangerous" or "dangerous," while 28% said they were "safe" or "probably safe."  The remaining 48% said they didn't know what brads were.  This year's survey showed that 33% of respondents found them dangerous, while 27% found them save.  While there are still 40% who don't know what brads are, it is comforting to know that we are making progress with our brad education projects.  We aren't making as much progress as we would like with those who believe brads to be safe, but our efforts are working as well as our statisticians had predicted, thanks to all of our loyal supporters!

I guess we were wrong...

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not accurate, which is why it pains us when we incorrectly interpret the goings on around us.  Unfortunately, in the case of Adam Cowgill, we correctly gathered many of the facts in the case, but we missed one very important fact.  Adam actually can become invisible.  He was initially confused when confronted by police, but when he recently appeared for his court date, he actually was invisible.  In order to not confuse the court he returned later and no longer invisible to apologize for his tardiness.  It seems we may need to keep an eye on Mr. Cowgill and the other "reinvented" people coming from the Parent Corporation.

The New Company

Now that the dust has settled a bit we can start to analyze last week's interesting news.  It seems that things are pretty much business as usual at the Parent Corporation and the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  Our operatives are reporting nearly the same statistics* as they reported last month.  They are still trying their evil schemes and still hawking their evil wares, and we are still keeping them in check.

At the New Company, however, things are beginning to get more interesting.  According to our best information, they are refocusing their business completely.  Rather than work for the promotion of hole punches and brads, they appear to be creating a line of luxury pencil cases.  Our operatives have been unable to explain this strange behavior entirely, but we believe we will figure it out soon.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not encouraged by the apparent chaos reigning at the moment in our enemies' camp, but we are also cautious.  It may simply be a ploy to make money off unsuspecting elementary school students, or it could be something much more insidious.  We vow to not rest until we find out what it really is!  (Okay, so we don't mean we actually won't sleep, but we do mean that our operatives will be engaged on this problem until it is completely understood.)

*These statistics are available to the curious world citizen at any local GPD office.  In order to get them you will need to present fourteen forms of identification and sign an affidavit that states that you are not trying to do anything the GPD would consider harmful.

Parent Corporation to Split (and Merge)!

It won't be official until tomorrow morning, but the Parent Corporation has initiated the process of splitting itself into two entities.  Our operatives closest to the situation have revealed that the split is essentially along the lines of "Craftie" and "non-Craftie," and that all the officers with any real influence have been chosen from among the "Crafties."  It seems that "Edgar" will remain at the head of the Parent Corporation, and that they will remain focused on their current agenda of promoting evil office products and destroying the fabric of society.  As part of this agreement the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has become a subsidiary to the Parent Corporation and now falls under the same leadership.  "Jack" (the most vocal "Craftie") is officially the leader of this organization and officially answers to "Edgar," but if our operatives are correct, most of the real power in the organization is seated in "Jack."  His irrational unpredictability is proving difficult for us, but this isn't the first time we have faced a tough fight.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not relentless, and we promise to not let our enemies win!

The unification of the UBHP and the Parent Corporation poses no startling questions for our future, but it does show that our successes have forced the allies to take further steps to thwart us.  They will not succeed.  We have too many supporters and ours is the New Future.  What is perhaps more interesting to us at this point is the fate of the non-Crafties.  Officially they have now become the New Company, and officially it is still managed by "Edgar" and "Jack."  Our operatives, however, believe that the New Company is being created to purify the Parent Corporation and will soon be sold to some other corporation.  The members of this New Company are some of our oldest enemies, and if our operatives are correct, will not take kindly to this sort of treatment.  One, who spoke with an operative on condition of anonymity, mentioned that he is torn between supporting the cause of Evil in general (and evil office products in particular) and uniting with the Parent Corporation to crush their common enemies.  It became clear in this conversation that he considers the Parent Corporation as much his enemy as we are.  If this is the case for most employees of the New Company, we may soon find ourselves in an Orwellian conflict among three states whose allies keep changing depending on who is the biggest threat at the current time.  It is our sincere hope that these two proponents of evil office products will expend the bulk of their time and energy destroying each other rather than the innocent citizens of the world, but we have very little to go on.

Bees!

Normally a story like this one would be little more than an interesting distraction, but we have information linking this incident to operatives of the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  It appears that the bees were to be released into the wild to spread a new wave of nano-robotic lichen, but, thankfully, the lichen have failed. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful that we dodged the lichen this time!

"Jack" and his Influence

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not optimistic, but we fear that recent developments at the Parent Corporation may have negative impact on all of our lives.  In the past few years we have come to understand much of the inner workings of this evil organization, and we have been engaged in what could only be called a huge game of chess with them.  We have been steadily gaining ground and exposing their lies, and we hoped we would soon cause them to see the error of their ways and change their direction.  Unfortunately, however, we have been paying too little attention to the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  As we have mentioned many times before, the Parent Corporation is the business side of the UBHP, and as such it tends to involve itself more in the day-to-day operations and in expanding its influence.  The UBHP, on the other hand, is a society dedicated to the Hole Punch itself and is much more patient and much more focused.  We have seen very little activity from them of late, but that is all changing now.  The UBHP recently opened 49 non-profit scrapbooking outlets in 13 countries around the world.  How they pulled this off without our operatives discovering it is a mystery we intend to investigate, but we have refocused some of our operatives and we believe that not only are the UBHP operatives very subtle and very patient, they are also somehow allied with "Jack."  We have found numerous communications between him and the UBHP, but many of them are in a code we have not yet fully deciphered.  If what we know at this point is true, it seems that "Jack" may have been a plant by the UBHP in the Parent Corporation to cause it to fail, or at least to "prune the dead wood" from their ranks.  Assuming this is the case, perhaps the mysterious "Jack" is not so crazy as we had thought.  We'll know more after we decipher the code in full.

"Edgar" is a "Craftie!"

Our operatives have decided to make it official: "Edgar" sympathizes with the Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation.  It has been difficult to sort it all out recently, but in an address* to his office in Lansing, Michigan, it became clear that "Jack" (the primary proponent of the Chef Craft wing) has his ear.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not heartened by the apparent disintegration of our arch-nemesis, but we must admit that we are confused at "Jack's" motives.  He is either a brilliant strategist trying to force some new evil on the world or an insane idiot obsessed with an obscure kitchen products company.  Only time will tell!

*The full text of the address is available to supporters.  Simply submit form KKVY-334-J (Request for Transcript of Enemy Address) to your local GPD office.

The (invisible) gap widens

As all of you know, the internal strife in the Parent Corporation is becoming increasingly vicious.  We recently received a report from our operatives that a member of the Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation was picked up by police in Springville, UT.  The local media report mentions much of the substance of what happened, but, as always, they seem to have missed the significance of it all.  Adam Cowgill was not simply crazy, as the report seems to suggest.  He had been in an intensive conditioning program for the Parent Corporation's Chef Craft wing.  In fact, he was to have been the first of many "reinvented" people that would remake the Parent Corporation in their own image.  Unfortunately, it appears that the conditioning regime went haywire and that Mr. Cowgill, who, according to our operatives, doesn't remember participating in the regime, is now pretty well incapacitated.  We hope that his example will show those who sympathize with or participate in the Parent Corporation the dangerous road they are choosing and that they will come to their senses, soon.

On another note, the non-Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation has recently attempted to marginalize their opponents by pushing them on to menial tasks.  Our operatives believe this was the impetus for the conditioning program, and that as the internal strife escalates we will likely see more innocent (or somewhat innocent) victims.

Divisions

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to honest, open government, which is why we are pioneering the Open Source Model of Government.  Because of our open nature, the GPD has never had a problem with factions vying for power or schisms or any of that sort of thing, as when they begin they are quickly diluted by the free flow of information that empowers our citizens.  They aren't swayed by demagogues or hatemongers.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, depending on your point of view) the Parent Corporation has chosen not to follow this open model but has instead built layer upon layer of secrecy around its goals.  This secrecy has served them well and allowed them to escape the kind of scrutiny that would shut them down in a heartbeat, but has also created a culture that accepts political posturing and demagoguery.  It has come to our attention recently that the Parent Corporation is divided into at least two major groups with different goals.  One group is pushing for the end to the secrecy so that they can openly declare war on the world.  The other is trying to maintain the status quo so that they can remain in power and keep not just the world down, but their subordinates as well.  The "status quo" group are the ones who have recently introduced the adoration of Chef Craft products as part of their daily routine, and, according to our operatives, have withdrawn further into the propaganda that the Parent Corporation is pushing on the world.  Encounters with the "Chef Crafties" have shown that they are less likely to back down or retreat when they are obviously defeated and that they are more fully indoctrinated than their peers.

We have been tracking this developing schism for some time trying to figure out whether "Edgar" (the real leader, not the public face that we captured some time ago) has chosen one faction or another.  We couldn't answer this question until I came across some interesting documents last weekend in Cedar City, Utah.  The documents have yet to be completely verified, but they have born our initial scrutiny.  They were seized in a raid of a suspected double agent's home (we have to say he is innocent until proven guilty, but we don't have to believe it). If they are indeed accurate, it seems that "Edgar" is afraid that either faction taking over will destroy his position and so he is trying to foment the schism, keeping both sides roughly equal in power and influence.

We wish we could state that the Parent Corporation is disintegrating, but we can only really say that there are divisions within it that are causing it to be less effective in its stated goals.  We wish we could say we are winning, but we don't know what will emerge amid this conflict, so we are urging our supporters everywhere to be vigilant and to help out wherever they can!

Chef Craft and the Parent Corporation

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to the truth, which is why we find it odd that we have been subjected to a variety of smear attacks since we published our last post.  In that post we mentioned that the Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation is leaving large herbivorous mammals in peoples' yards.  Unfortunately, people jumped to the conclusion that we were maligning Chef Craft and suggesting that it was in league with the Parent Corporation.  I guess we needed to be more explicit, but we would like to make it clear that we do not believe that Chef Craft has any connection to the Parent Corporation or the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch.  What we intended to say was that the Parent Corporation has a group of zealots who have latched on to the Chef Craft product line (including its nail brushes) and are beginning to treat it almost as they treat their hole punches.  We apologize for the misunderstandings.

For the interested, the connection between the Parent Corporation zealots and Chef Craft products was discovered several weeks ago in a routine audit of purchases they had made.  We published this piece, but at the time didn't have enough information to be certain of what was going on.  At this time we are prepared to state that the Parent Corporation appears to be experiencing an internal crisis.  The capture of "Edgar" has caused some political posturing, and it appears that at some point one of the leaders vying for public control of the Parent Corporation started introducing Chef Craft implements.  We think at this point that it is a temporary obsession, but the fervor with which they cling to their implements does surprise us.  We cannot disclose all that we believe about the Parent Corporation and its internal power struggles at this time, as it would be irresponsible, but we can state that we believe we are making a difference!

Interesting developments

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not careful, which is why we thought we had taken all of the necessary precautions after reporting the nail brush scandal, but we weren't prepared for their response.  In two separate instances on two continents, large mammals were placed in people's yards to intimidate them.  This man, in Ogden, UT, simply butchered the cow left at his residence.  Per Johansson called emergency services and they helped extricate the drunken moose from his apple tree.  Tragedy was avoided in each of these incidents, but we do urge caution as you never know when the Chef Craft wing of the Parent Corporation (more on how we found that connection later) will strike again and you will find a large herbivorous mammal in your yard!

Nail Chefs

As part of our continuing efforts to keep our World Citizens safe and properly informed we have a number of programs where we periodically sample the products on the market to determine (1) trends in production, (2) potential security problems, (3) and whether the Parent Corporation is making an effort to destroy you.  In the years we have had this program, just so you know, we have never found a time when (3) was not determined to be true.  The Parent Corporation is always trying to destroy you.  But anyway, our sampling recently discovered a product called a "Nail Brush" produced by a Chinese company styling themselves "Chef Craft."  Most people would have taken it to be a matter of poor translation or perhaps an expansion of a company's line to include non-cooking implements, but we don't settle for surface explanations.  Our operatives dug long and hard, and discovered that the label "Chef Craft" is disturbingly accurate.

It seems that Chef Craft started several hundred years ago as 廚師手藝. They worked for years trying to perfect the ladle, and, having succeeded, practiced on basting implements.  One of their employees in 1925 also worked part time at a nail salon, and apparently approached her superiors with an idea--why not include implements for preparing human nails as food in their product line?  At the time many people were members of underground nail eating guilds (UNEGs) and, although the practice would later be frowned upon by the Cultural Revolution it was quite popular among government officials.  It seems her superiors liked her idea so much that they stole it and had her killed, but our records of this incident are, understandably, spotty at best, so we can't be sure that it went down quite like that.  Either way, the company started producing the nail brush to help people prepare their nails for consumption in 1948 (it took several years to perfect it to the company's standards) and now their brushes are thrust upon unsuspecting consumers in other countries who think they are nothing more than a useful brush for their nails.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough and we hope you will dig deeper the next time something strikes you as out of the ordinary.