The State of the New Future

Many of our supporters have written to us in recent days to ask why we don't have an annual "State of the New Future" address. The short answer is that our bylaws and governing principles have never required us to do so and we haven't felt the need to do so. The long answer is more complicated and will be e-mailed to you upon request. Regardless of the historical reasons for not having such an address, the need for a "State of the New Future" post has clearly been established, and said post will follow this overly-long and wordy paragraph. That is, as soon as we decide to end it and let the next paragraph begin its existence, which will occur at the end of this sentence.

As a member of the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators I am pleased to announce that the GPD and the New Future are proceeding according to the plans for world domination that we, the Board of Dictators, laid many years ago. We have been able to destabilize the world's financial system in order to implement important reforms. We have kept gas prices high enough to foster development of alternative fuels and more fuel-efficient vehicles but low enough to not hurt too many peoples' budgets. We have returned housing prices to more reasonable levels. We have caused the Company to go out of business, and have been successful in our efforts to inhibit the growth of the insidious Parent Corporation. The Brad Guys, while not completely eliminated, have no central organization and have very little impact on anything outside the scrapbooking world. The Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch has been kept at bay and has not been able to pull off anything disastrous. The Allies are in contact with us and are helping to spread our message of rejecting evil office products around the world. More recently, the Salad People appear to be losing momentum due to our efforts to expose their heinous schemes. In short, we are doing quite well.

But let us not think that we have done all that we must do, or even all that we can do. The reality is that a child is introduced to brads somewhere in the world every 33 minutes. One out of every twenty-four children thus introduced becomes addicted to brads later in life. Hole punches are becoming more and more sophisticated, with newer models trying to appeal to the "tech-savvy" younger generation. While the New Future is certainly being created, our enemies are working tirelessly to keep us all enslaved. While many of our supporters are also working tirelessly, some are allowing themselves to get tired. We, the citizens of the world, cannot afford this luxury. If we allow our children to play with brads and say to ourselves, "It's just once, and the teacher told them to do it. I don't want to make waves," we are mortgaging the New Future. If we let the Parent Corporation "do its thing" we will soon find that we are trapped in a world we don't want.

The New Future is coming. Each of you individually, however, will decide whether it is coming in your generation, or whether we will have to wait and wade through many afflictions before it finally arrives. With your support and your zeal we will surely be able to right all of the wrongs in the world. We will be able to fix our economy so that those who deserve the money receive it. We will be able to fix our schools so that students are taught life skills rather than taught to be subservient to evil office products. We will vanquish our foes and create a society based on the principles we espouse, a veritable utopia for all responsible world citizens. With your help, we will bring about the New Future!