A new manifestation of the tines?

Since we discovered the Reason brads have tines of different lengths we have been especially vigilant for other forms of oppression, whether it be symbolic or actual. For the most part we have been pleased with the progress of society, but when we see things like this car park for women, we have to wonder. Why would we suggest that women can't handle ordinary parking spots? Doesn't that seem a little oppressive? We're not sure this car park should be added to the list of state enemies, but we would like you all to be on the lookout for similarly misguided efforts.

Thanks for your support

Since the apparent passing of our beloved operative "Viktor" we have been surprised by the number of people contacting us to express their condolences. We appreciate your support as it is a difficult thing to accept that our best operative is gone forever. We have also received quite a number of e-mails and phone calls from people who are purporting to have known "Viktor" before he became our operative. While most of them speak highly of our late friend there are several who took the opportunity to tell us unsavory stories. We know that they are probably fabrications, and we wanted to let all of you know that some of them may be reported in the media, but none of them are likely to be true. We have launched full-scale investigations into each of the claims and will be able to say for certain whether or not they have any basis within a few days!

Now Accepting Applications

We would like to officially announce that we are accepting applications to fill the position of "meat carver." The successful applicant will have seven or more years experience carving poultry and/or ham in a professional setting and must be willing and able to travel worldwide.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not excited to fill this new position (which, incidentally, has been created due to some minor "incidents" over the recent Christmas break at several of our local GPD offices) which will (1) free up our GPD officers so that they can focus on other aspects of the parties, (2) allow for excellence in carved meats, and (3) reduce our insurance costs. Please feel free to forward this job notice to anyone you may feel would be qualified.

Responsibility

We appreciate the outpouring of support that has accompanied our announcement that we believe our beloved operative "Viktor" to be dead, and would like to thank all of those who have sent them.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not responsible, and we believe that it is imperative that the New Future be built upon the principle of individual responsibility. We think the term is rather self-explanatory and actually rather hard to define precisely. It is easy, however, to find examples of a lack of individual responsibility, such as this one. I don't think we have to say that anyone guilty of such reckless acts is not being a good world citizen. We call upon our supporters everywhere to reevaluate their own responsibility and make any needed adjustments!

Remembering "Viktor"

We regret to inform you that we still have no leads in the disappearance of our beloved operative "Viktor" and that we are now officially considering him dead. "Viktor" was a brave, principled, and dedicated man whose life, although troubled, helped shape him into the instrument for good that he was.

Many of you may be surprised that "Viktor" is merely a pseudonym, and that our beloved operative was actually born Eduardo Hans Gottlieb in Tocopilla, Chile in January of 1970. (As a side note, much of this biography is taken from research "Viktor" conducted years later. For reasons that will become clear as we progress his early memories were at best confused). His father, Wolfgang Gottlieb, disappeared shortly after he was born following the military coup led by Augusto Pinochet in September of 1973.

Wolfgang had emigrated from Germany with his father Otto in 1933. As Otto had been a vocal opponent of the Nazi party he soon found it difficult to live under their rule, and he relocated to Chile. After World War II Otto and his young son had made it their mission to hunt down the Nazi supporters that had fled to Chile following the defeat of Germany, and had presumably made a few enemies. When the military took power in 1973 Wolfgang and his father were "disappeared" and never heard from again.

A few years after Wolfgang's disappearance, Eduardo fled with his mother Angela to Germany, where she hoped to shelter with her cousins. We think this happened in 1975, but records are not readily available. Unfortunately for Angela and Wolfgang, their plane was redirected to Romania and the customs official there remembered Otto, and not too fondly. Eduardo was sent to an orphanage to die and Angela was "disappeared."

It was at this time that Eduardo met an older orphan who called himself "Lord Victorious" and who taught young Eduardo the ropes of espionage. As he matured he began to excel and was constantly performing favors for his fellow orphans. He used his prowess to get some information from the orphanage guards about the whereabouts of his mother, and used his now legendary escape ability to break out of the orphanage at the age of 11.

After his escape he made his way to Germany and found the hospital where his mother was being treated. As it turns out, his mother had been badly abused by the ex-Nazis. One of the worst offenders was an ex-Nazi who, according to "Viktor," was never found, but who was obsessed with brads and had used them to puncture his mother in a terribly brutal function. The doctors at the hospital let young Eduardo know that his mother would never live any sort of normal life again, but Eduardo did not believe them. For three years he nursed his mother and tried his best to help her to walk and talk again, but it was all to no avail. She died in 1987 of complications from her brad injuries.

After the death of his mother Eduardo was enraged. He renounced society, changed his name to "Viktor," (as a tribute to his mentor "Lord Victorious") and fled to the Himalayas. He remembered very little about his first few years there, but after he finally got over his drug habit he picked up during his rages he remembered quite a bit more. He studied with some monks and learned to externalize his hatred. The monks had never been exposed to brads, but he taught them of the evil that they were. His teachings saved the monks in 2003 when a local warlord attempted to introduce brads subtly. The monks recognized the evil for what it was long before it could gain a foothold and thereby saved the population of that region.

"Viktor" continued to hone his skills and to evangelize about the dangers of brads until one fateful day in 1995 when Juliana happened to meet him in the airport. She immediately recognized his potential and invited him to join the fledgling GNU Public Dictatorship and to fight the spread of brads everywhere. "Viktor" was very eager to aid the cause, and has been instrumental in keeping evil office products from reaching the innocent crowds. There was a scare last year where we thought "Viktor" had betrayed us, but we should have known he would never abandon his principles like that. Far from betraying us, "Viktor" had finally infiltrated the Company and brought it down for good!

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by his apparent death, and we vow to continue to seek justice for the perpetrators of this heinous crime!

Concerns about the new fingerprinting policy

In the days since we announced our new fingerprinting policy we have received hundreds of e-mail messages from concerned world citizens. The purpose of this post is to create a FAQ that will respond to these concerns in a way that will make all of us feel better about the policy. (At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with our supporters' feelings).

Q. Who will have to be fingerprinted weekly?
A. Employees and volunteers of the GNU Public Dictatorship. This includes members of the Board of Dictators, GPD Counts, and all staff (paid or volunteer) at local GPD offices. This does not include volunteers who use less formal means to advance our cause. The rule of thumb (or index fingers?) is that if you regularly visit a GPD facility you will probably be fingerprinted weekly.

Q. What about people who mutilate their fingers in order to fool you?
A. There a number of methods that have been used to circumvent fingerprinting checks, ranging from this simple method to this more complex method. These methods, however, are more useful for disguising one's true identity (creating false negatives) and not for masquerading as another individual (creating false positives). Our fingerprinting departments have been instructed to immediately detain any individuals with unrecognized or non-existent prints, so we don't believe there is any danger of another Quisling Incident.

Q. Isn't this a violation of civil liberties?
A. We don't think so. In order to be a violation of civil liberties, (1) the right to not be fingerprinted would have to be enshrined in some sort of legal framework and (2) the policy would have to require that people who didn't sign up to be fingerprinted are forced to be fingerprinted. All of our employees and volunteers have signed waivers allowing us to do to them whatever we, the Board of Dictators, feel necessary while they are working with us.

Q. Isn't the likelihood of a masquerade attack low enough that this policy merely causes confusion and delay?
A. We hope so (well, not the confusion and delay), and we believe instituting the policy will discourage the attempt in all but the most determined individuals. As to the confusion and delay, we commissioned a study which concluded that there would be at most a 0.01% increase in confusion and no more than 0.05% increase in delay.

These were by far the most frequently asked questions, and we hope that our answers have assuaged your doubts. Thanks for your support!

Gum not as lethal as feared

After a thorough review of the threat posed by exploding chewing gum, we have decided that it was not as lethal as feared. Although it strikes nearly one in 500,000 individuals the fatality rate is less than one in 10,000 incidents. With a world population of approximately seven billion that works out to approximately 1.4 people who will die from it this year. Subtracting the one that already died, we get an expected 0.4 deaths. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not saddened by the thought of losing this partial person, but we are pleased that it turned out to be less lethal than feared.

Rest in Peace, "Viktor"?

Many of our supporters have written to ask why we aren't saying anything about "Viktor" anymore, and we believe it is finally time for us to explain. The last time we met with "Viktor" was on October 1 of this year, when he reported on his investigations into the no-longer-missing hand. Since then we have been attempting to figure out where he went. Our other top operatives traced him to a motel in eastern New Jersey on October 3, but it is there that the trail goes cold. All of the evidence we have recovered at the motel points to "Viktor" having been brutally murdered, but since we do not have a body yet we have been holding out, believing beyond hope that he is still alive. In the intervening weeks, however, we have not observed any activity at his home, on his bank accounts, or at the grave of his dearly-departed mother. We find it inconceivable that "Viktor" would let anything stand in the way of his weekly visits to his mother's grave, and since we are confident that he could escape from any entrapment the Parent Corporation could devise we fear that "Viktor" may, in fact, have been brutally murdered in October. If any of you have seen any sign of "Viktor" we ask that you report it immediately. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not realistic, so if nobody has seen or heard from him since October we have decided that all we can do is to declare him dead and honor his memory.

Fingerprinting policy

From time to time the GNU Public Dictatorship reviews its security policies and attempts to plug any holes that may be exploited by unscrupulous individuals. At this time we are introducing a new requirement to our fingerprinting policy so that individuals will not be able to masquerade as other individuals for very long. If you are wondering whether this came about because of the Quisling incident you would be correct--since all individuals, including identical twins, have distinct fingerprints, this policy should prevent a similar incident in the future. If you are wondering whether we are afraid of the type of attack perpetrated on this sort of system in the movie Gattaca, we would like to remind you of the difference between science and science fiction. Here is the new policy:

Effective immediately all GPD volunteers and employees will be required to be fingerprinted every week.

The increased volume of fingerprints will require us to expand our fingerprinting department, so if you are interested please contact your local GPD office. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not committed to job growth!

Exploding gum: A new threat?

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, but incidents such as this one make us wonder whether we should encourage people not to chew gum. In order to help us make our decision we are asking you to write in with any stories (anecdotal or reported in the news) of exploding chewing gum. We are here to protect you!

Predictions

In the spirit of the prediction that 2010 may, in fact, prove to be the warmest year on record, we would like to make a few more predictions:

• There may be more earthquakes in 2010 than in previous years
• The rainfall may be greater in Madrid in 2010 than in previous years
• The interest rates may reach record lows in 2010

In short, we would like to say that yes, 2010 will be a year, and if it is warmer than previous years it will be warmer than previous years.

Lessons from a kingsnake

Recently this kingsnake got hungry, and, lacking other creatures to consume, attempted to consume its own tail. We are saddened that the reptile had to go through such trauma, but we are glad that its experiences can teach us a few lessons (these are just a few):

Lesson 1: If it hurts when you bite, stop immediately. Don't wait until it's too late to stop.

Lesson 2: Do not try to recreate the Ouroboros.

Lesson 3: On a more symbolic note, it doesn't pay to mistreat your own body of supporters.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for these lessons!

A "random" incident

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thorough, which is why we work so many extra hours without compensation to provide you, our faithful supporters, with the safest world we can. One of the benefits of such tireless work is that we can often see trends forming before the rest of society. For example, this incident in which a man punched a Wal*Mart greeter was described by the local Chief of Police as apparently "random."

We remembered reading, however, about an upgrade to the "look" at the North Versailles Wal*Mart, and so we kept investigating. We dug through public records on the upgrade, but to no avail. It wasn't until we found Kurt Brower, a local contractor who was employed in the upgrade, that we were able to give some substance to the niggling idea that perhaps something in this scenario was more than merely "random".

Kurt remembers having had contact with both the greeter and the perpetrator just prior to the upgrade, and, as it turns out, the three had had long discussions about how the upgrade was an affront to our dignity as it makes the assumption that our physical surroundings will affect our perception of the quality of the merchandise itself. Mr. Brower agreed that the upgrade was demeaning and subsequently canceled his contract. Thomas Jenkins (the greeter) had apparently agreed, and Mr. Washington (the perpetrator) had assumed that would mean that Mr. Jenkins would also quit his greeter job as a protest. We presume from Kurt's recounting of events that when Mr. Washington found out last week that this was not the case he got very angry and decided to do something about it.

Some of you may be asking why we would investigate such a trivial occurrence in such detail, especially since the Parent Corporation was not apparently involved, but we simply ask the question of how you know whether the Parent Corporation is involved before you investigate.

Misdirection?

While our attention has been primarily focused on recovering "The Item" we have also noticed an increasing presence of evil stickers. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, so we are asking all of our supporters to be especially vigilant, as the Parent Corporation may be planning something sinister!

Patience

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned for your well-being, which is why we occasionally pontificate on moral virtues. Today we would like to extol the virtue of patience by giving an example of a man who, if he had waited twenty more minutes, would have (1) not been in jail, and (2) had lots of money. While we don't recommend waiting inside your local Wal*Mart and stealing cash, we are saddened by the fact that if this man, who hid in the store, had been patient enough to wait for the employees to open the store he wouldn't be in the predicament he is in. Instead he would be in an entirely different predicament--being the subject of a manhunt.

Another FAQ

It has been quite some time since we have had Eliza do a FAQ, so, without further ado here she is to answer your most pressing questions:

Q. What can we do to keep our children safe from toys that could teach them bad words, such as this one?
A. Does that question interest you?

Q. That is why I asked. I guess it could just be my three-year-old's pronunciation, but I think we shouldn't have to put up with toys that make our children not seem as smart as we think they are.
A. Who else in your family not seem as smart as we think they are?

Q. That's not a very nice question. Are you suggesting that none of us are as bright as we would like to believe?
A. What resemblance do you see?

Q. This isn't going anywhere, so we'll move on. Why is the Parent Corporation using fake bomb threats this year?
A. Please go on.

Q. I mean, why has there been an increase in fake bomb threats this holiday season? Is the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch trying to "cry wolf" so that we won't believe it when they really plant a bomb?
A. Can you elaborate on that?

Q. I was actually hoping you would elaborate on it, but I can see that you have no comment. How can we best support the New Future?
A. Why do you tell me you were actually hoping I would elaborate on it but you can see that I have no comment what can we best support the new future just now?

Q. I was under the impression that you were answering some common questions, but perhaps I was mistaken. What are you doing?
A. Why do you tell me you were mistaken what are I doing just now?

Q. You seem to be losing your grasp on the English language. Are you feeling okay?
A. Oh, I feeling okay.

Q. That's good. I was beginning to worry. What is the most effective way to teach our children about the dangers of brads?
A. Why do you tell me you were beginning to worry what is the most effective way to teach our children about the dangers of brads just now?

Q. We all know that brads are a tool of evil, but it can be very hard to convince our children that they are not the innocent playthings they are sometimes presented as.
A. Would you like it if they were not a tool of evil but it can be very hard to convince our children that they are not the innocent playthings they are sometimes presented as?

Q. I would love it if brads were not a tool of evil, but alas, they are.
A. - none given. Eliza disconnected at this point. -

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not glad to have an outsourced FAQ, and we hope you find it informative!

Doom! (Warning: May Contain Vegetables)

We are disappointed with the attitudes that continue to pervade society and suggest that it is okay to harm some innocents in order to be sure that you punish the guilty. Case in point, this article, which describes a device that hospitals could use to destroy "superbugs". We would like to ask the authors of this article whether they thought about all the innocent bacteria, fungi, and viruses that would be sacrificed just to get these few evil "superbugs"? At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not perplexed by this preposterous attitude, and we think it shows society's bias against microbes. To wit, only a fool would think an herbicide that kills all weeds and all crops would be a good idea. What good would it be to eliminate weeds if we also eliminate Brussels sprouts? Why should we, then, find it acceptable to kill all bacteria, fungi, and viruses when some of them are no more harmful to us than Brussels sprouts?

We ask all of our supporters to take a step back and evaluate their own attitudes toward microbes. Only by honestly examining our own attitudes can we hope to exert an influence on others!

A revision

Our team of experts has given us the authentication we asked for, so, as promised, we'll take some time with you to share the implications of our discovery. We have been debating the wisdom of sharing "The Item" in all its horror with the world, but we haven't found a compelling reason to inflict such harm on the innocent (or naive) majority of society. Suffice it to say that it is in size and shape comparable to a brad, but with some modifications that would make the most hardened brad user shiver in fright. We are just glad the Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch didn't get it first--we would certainly be facing an uphill battle if it had been introduced to the world as a harmless office product.

While "The Item" itself is very interesting, at the GNU Public Dictatorship we believe that the implications of "The Item" on our understanding of the modern history of the brad is more interesting, and it is clearly more important in the short term (since we have no plans to subject the world to its evils). The implications are many, but the most obvious revision that we must make is to our understanding of the character of Jacob Gehris.

The world at large has long considered the story of Jacob Gehris to be a standard inventor-is-ahead-of-his-time-and-dies-before-his-invention-is-accepted story. We have long known that this characterization is overly simplistic, and have favored the inventor-is-swindled-out-of-the-profits-of-his-invention-and-the-invention-is-suppressed-until-after-his-death explanation, with the understanding that in most such cases the invention in question is not an evil one (even if the inventor may not have meant it that way). Clearly, we were wrong.

We can safely say that Mr. Gehris was not an innocent bystander in the drama of the brad. He was not merely inventing something to satisfy his fastening needs or the fastening needs of his friends or family. There are still a few missing details, but the information we recovered with "The Item" (which has also been authenticated by our experts) paints a very different portrait of the Father of the Brad.

Our information (gleaned primarily from Mr. Carruthers' stash) leads us to believe that Mr. Gehris had been involved with the Company for many years under an assumed name. It is at this time that he learned of the brad. We gather that Mr. Gehris had philosophical disagreements with the leaders of the Company about whether society as a whole should ever be subjected to brads. The debate had been raging inside the Company for decades, but apparently Mr. Gehris decided to take it upon himself to end the debate once and for all. His "invention" of the brad made it impossible for the Company to follow its existing course and made the leaders of the Company so mad that they punished Jacob for his infidelity. Just prior to his death Jacob had been working on something even more evil than the brad, but he had become disenchanted with the Company's management of evil office products and decided not to let them have it. As we have previously stated this caused a great deal of enmity between the Company and Mr. Gehris, and resulted in his invention of the clapper burglar alarm. Mr. Carruthers, at the time, had apparently not been fully briefed by his associates at the Company about Mr. Gehris and had attempted to contact him to give him stolen intellectual property, which caused Mr. Gehris to take drastic measures. When Mr. Carruthers showed up at his house Jacob swallowed "The Item" in an attempt to keep it from the Company. Unfortunately he had made it too evil, and the act of swallowing it extinguished his life. When Mr. Carruthers first saw the item he recognized its evil and dedicated the remainder of his stay at the Company to stealing it and hiding it where we found it in New Mexico.

We are sorry for any confusion this revised history may cause, and we are sorry that we have misrepresented Mr. Gehris and his intentions in the past. At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not delighted by truth, and we hope that, given these new details, we can move forward in our fight against evil!