"Natasha"

After some careful forensic analysis of the dry erase markers sent to us last week, we have concluded that "Natasha" did indeed handle them at some point, but we have not been able to conclude whether she sent them to us, or whether they were intended as a restitution for her treacherous acts.  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not unsatisfied by ambiguity, so we will continue to exert our efforts to discover who is behind this and the secret churro messages, and to determine whether they are related or not.

Many of you, our loyal supporters, have written to us requesting that we explain a little about "Natasha" and her service to the GPD and her relationship with "Edgar".  While we will endeavor to give a portrait of her, however, we are not at liberty to discuss all of the details of her work for the Board of Dictators and there are some gaps in our understanding of what has occurred since she married "Edgar".

"Natasha" was one of our best operatives.  She was born in difficult circumstances in the Middle East, but because of some services that were rendered by her parents she was brought to the United States of America as a young girl.  She was trained at the best operative schools available, and graduated near the top of her class.  We would love to tell you where in the Middle East, where in the United States, or which schools, but to tell you would compromise some of our other best operatives, so we won't do so now.

At some point while "Natasha" was working undercover at the Parent Corporation/UBHP she became addicted to evil office products and became romantically involved with the then-CEO "Edgar".   We found "Edgar" passed out and sequestered  him in a reality simulator, and used "Natasha" to figure out his true motives.  "Natasha" apparently valued "Edgar" more than her work with us, and, to make a long story short, she helped him escape and married him, and then joined in his attempts to achieve what he termed Rule by "Edgar".  She did occasionally join us in missions against evil office products, but she was not nearly so valuable as she had been before.

"Natasha" opposed all of "Edgar's" efforts to join with us when he applied for membership in the Board of Dictators, which disappointed us greatly.  At this point we decided that "Natasha" was no longer a good World Citizen, and we put her on our list of people to imprison should we get a chance.  Not much later she returned the dry erase markers she had taken when she left and apparently tried to normalize relations, but then her husband took over as CEO of the New Company, and relations have been strained again.

From what we know, "Natasha" is still a very bright and capable operative and would be an asset to any cause she embraces, but her loyalty is in serious doubt.  She may be reaching out to us again now, but the offers are so vague and the message so unclear that we will simply have to wait and see.

Restitution?

In our mail today we received 34 boxes of dry erase markers, which, although it may not initially sound significant, is the exact number of dry erase markers that our former operative "Natasha" absconded with when she left us to join "Edgar".  At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not cautious, which is why we won't be able to say that this is an overture from "Natasha" until we get the forensic analysis of the markers and the packaging or until we see anything further from "Natasha", but along with the rumors that "Edgar" and "Natasha" are having difficulties there are clearly indications that "Natasha" may be attempting to reach out for help.  She already returned the dry erase markers she took, but we are having trouble deciding why we would receive 34 boxes at this time.  Our current thought is that she is trying to reach out to us and mend the bridges she so cruelly burned.  Either that, or she or someone else just wants us to think that she is attempting a restitution.  We'll let you know when we know more.

More information about the churro note

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not grateful for the alertness of our supporters, which was responsible this time for returning the remainder of the mysterious note to our offices last night.  Loyal supporter Francine Ewart turned it in at her local GPD offices along with an explanation that she had bought a churro earlier that day and that she had found it wrapped in part of a note, the significance of which she had failed to recognize until she read our post yesterday.  Here is the note (again, where readable):

                                                                    ng
at his wife, "Na     " as she is cle     nhap  
I will send more     s when I can

It doesn't answer all of the questions, but it does suggest that perhaps the applications had their origin in our former operative "Natasha" and not in her husband "Edgar."  They also suggest that we may get more notes, so we will be sure to consume our usual churros on schedule just in case!

A secret note

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not thrilled that we are making so much progress towards the New Future, which is why we are planning festivities to coincide with the US holiday of Thanksgiving to get together and review just how far we have come.  For details, please consult your local GPD offices.

On another (literal) note, we recently received communication that we found very interesting, to say the least.  We were taking a churro break from our Board Meetings, when we discovered that one of the churros was wrapped with a note.  We have reproduced what we could read of the note below (there were several oily spots where the paper had been destroyed beyond our ability to reconstruct it on the spot, but we will continue to study the note in our labs):

Esteemed Members of the GNU Publi   ictatorship's Board of Dictators:
It has come to my attention that you h      ecently received a series    applications
for membersh  p in the Board of Dictato   that together form a picture of a churro.
It has also co    o my attention that you believe the applications to from from
you rival "E       who is bent on destroying you.  This note is to l          know that
you are sadly    staken as to the origin of this message and that yo     ld be looki

Unfortunately, the note appears to have been torn at this point and we were unable to recover the rest of the note from the churro stand we were patronizing at the time.  This mysterious note does appear to provide some information about the odd applications, but it raises several new questions, such as:

• Who wrote the note?  Unfortunately it was printed using a very common laser printer, but our chemists were able to find that "compatible toner" was used, so perhaps we can narrow the field that way.
• Why would the author of the note not want us to investigate "Edgar" as the source of the applications in question?
• Why would the author of the note hide it on a churro but not ensure that the entire note reaches us?
• Did the author of the note send the secret churro message in the applications?

Our investigations into the mysterious message are proceeding, but as of yet "Edgar" has not admitted or denied involvement, and you can rest assured that we won't rest until we have gotten to the bottom of this mystery.

89 Aliases and Churros

We reported last week that "Edgar" has applied to be a member of the GNU Public Dictatorship's Board of Dictators under at least 83 different aliases, and at the GNU Public Dictatorship we are pleased to announce that our analysis of the applications is now complete, and that our statisticians can say with a fair amount of certainty that "Edgar" used exactly 89 aliases, in addition to his real name.  On 83 of those aliases the sleep number and Tetris high score were identical, which led to our initial suspicions.  As most of you know, the odds of having the same sleep number as another individual is fairly low, as are the odds of sharing a Tetris high score.  The probability of sharing both is so low that it is believed there are only a handful of small groups of people in the world who can honestly claim that distinction.  The odds of having a group of 83 people in one of these groups AND all of these applying for membership in the GPD's Board of Dictators is so ridiculously low that we had to believe that "Edgar" was intentionally playing at something, and until today we weren't sure just what.  Luckily, we had our corps of artists examine the applications in question and we discovered that when placed in a set of grids (with placement determined by month and day of birth of the alias) the grids of the pages of the applications form an ASCII-art picture of a churro.  The grids were assembled into a master grid with 30 pages on each side.  Since each application contains 10 pages and 30x30 is 900, we expected 90 applications from "Edgar".  At this point it was a simple matter of finding which other applications best completed the pictures, and when we found them we knew that "Edgar" had used 89 aliases in addition to his own name.

We're not sure quite yet what the message "Edgar" intends to convey with this elaborate artwork, but we will continue to study it to find out if there are other hidden messages, and we have sent an ambassador to meet with "Edgar" to see if he will just tell us what he meant.

A surprise

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not difficult to surprised, but we must say that it was a great surprise to learn the "Edgar" applied for membership in the Board of Dictators again this year.  Actually, that wasn't the great surprise, as we know that "Edgar" is bent on world domination any way he can get it.  The real surprise was that he applied under at least 83 distinct aliases.  Our application review process quickly noticed that the sleep numbers and Tetris high scores were the same on all 83 applications, which led us to further investigation.  We're not sure if that was meant to try to get a callback or as another denial-of-service attack, but we are sorry to inform him (and other applicants) that more applications does not increase your chances of being chosen in a GPD "election".  We have reviewed this case and we will still review "Edgar's" original application in the interest of good will.

"Elections" review

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not fascinated by statistics, so we were eager to hear what our statisticians said about the submissions for the GPD election that closed over the weekend.  Apparently we have 35.6% more submissions than two years ago, and the average initial quality of the applicants is up 10.31% from 887.1 to 978.56.  This is good news, and it means we have a better chance of finding the right candidate this year!  As in previous years, candidates will be asked to take a chance posting on this forum, and we will likely reproduce pieces of their essay responses.  I know I'm looking forward to it!

The New Company's latest strategy

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not dedicated to destroying the evil New Company and all of its affiliates, and we have made some great progress of late.  Although we know there are but few of you, for those who haven't been visiting their local County offices over the last few months we will summarize our accomplishments here.

1. We were able to contain the "Cabbage (Patch?) Kids" outbreak in eastern Asia.  As it turns out it wasn't the New Company behind it, but we did find that some sources that contribute money to the New Company were involved, and we have added those organizations to our list of affiliates of the New Company.
2. We did not capitulate to "Edgar's" demands that we step aside and let him rule the world. Instead we increased our efforts.  The recent PBJ DDoS attack was apparently "Edgar's" attempt to punish us for not stepping aside.  It appears that the attack took enough resources that the New Company hasn't launched other major projects for months
3. The New Company is reducing its brad and hole punch output, much as "Edgar" said they would.  It appears that, as he said, he is not so much bent on evil office products as on world domination.  Perhaps we can work with him after all.
4. The Unholy Brotherhood of the Hole Punch and the Reformed Brotherhood of the Hole Punch have moved to a series of small islands off the California coast where they believe they will be left to worship the hole punch according to the dictates of their consciences without our interference.  As a gesture of good will, we have signed an agreement with them that if they don't evangelize beyond their islands, we won't oppose them.  So far the agreement has held.

In general, then, the GPD is in a fairly good situation. While we still have some organizations out there actively promoting evil office products (the Brad Guys, the UBHP and RBHP) and we still have a worthy rival in "Edgar" we are holding our own and gaining ground.  Make no mistake, we aren't saying that we have won, and we know that "Edgar" probably has a million plans up his sleeve, but we have been able to broker some very interesting political deals all over the world and are very active in laying the foundations of the New Future, which we hope will come sooner rather than later.  If all of you remain vigilant we're sure it will come sooner!

"Elections" deadline coming up very soon!

As we sort through the results of the US elections, we at the GNU Public Dictatorship are nothing if not grateful that our "elections" are different.  If you missed our post last week, please look it up, and don't forget to apply by November 8, 2014, at midnight UTC!

PBJ DDoS: A FAQ

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not pleased that our supporters have been submitting many questions about the PBJ DDoS, which is why we have decided to take the time to publish this FAQ for you.  If you don't find an answer to your question here, please contact us or your local GPD office.

Q. What is a PBJ DDoS attack?  Does it have to do with peanut butter and jelly?

A.  Unfortunately there is no peanut butter or jelly involved in a PBJ DDoS, which stands for Paper-Based Junkmail Distributed Denial-of-Service attack.

Q. What is the goal of a DoS attack?

A. The idea in any Denial-of-Service attack is to keep some person or organization from providing its legitimate services by overwhelming its service mechanism.  This sort of attack has often been used about companies' websites.

Q. How does a DoS attack work?

A. A simple Denial-of-Service attack is much like a two-year-old constantly saying "Mom!" every few seconds.  After several hours of this behavior the mother is usually so stressed out that she just ignores legitimate requests from the two-year-old or from others.  It can be easily solved, however, by putting the child down for a nap.  In network terms, a simple Denial-of-Service attack can be easily blocked by ignoring requests from a certain requester.

Q. How does a DDoS attack work?

A. A Distributed Denial-of-Service attack is more like a group of two-year-old children at a daycare all yelling for attention at once.  The primary difference here is that the effort required to stop the attack is much greater, as putting fifteen children down for a nap is much harder than putting a single child to bed.

Q. How does a PBJ DDoS attack work?

A.  Most DDoS attacks currently target websites or network infrastructure.  A Paper-Based Junkmail Distributed Denial-of-Service attack targets the physical mail infrastructure of an individual or organization.  While ignoring a few pieces of junkmail every day is a reasonable thing to do, ignoring 400,000 pieces of junkmail crafted to look like legitimate correspondence every day requires many more resources.

Q. Why did it take so long to recover from this massive PBJ DDoS attack?

A. The success of this most recent attack comes from several factors:

1. It was unprecedented.  Nobody in the field had even considered mounting this sort of attack due to its massive cost.
2. It was massive.  The quantity of mail received over the entire attack was extremely large.  While it started slowly to not arouse suspicion it soon became apparent that the attack was so large that we would have to shut our public-facing doors and clean up after the attack.  We have contingency plans for this sort of shutdown, so our operatives were able to keep the New Company in check in the meantime, but we were unable to bring our presence to bear on the problems facing the world.
3. It was sustained.  The attack lasted for several months.

At the GPD we are nothing if not disappointed with our response, which is why we have implemented protocols to prevent this sort of attack from succeeding in the future!

Daylight Saving

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we are nothing if not concerned with conservation of our resources, which is why we have been militant supporters of Daylight Saving.  As it turns out, however, we may have been too hasty, as the following analysis will show.  The goal of this post is to keep our supporters informed so that they will not realize too late that they have joined up to fight the wrong enemy.

The first thing to note is that daylight is not, as been widely reported, a non-renewable resource.  We initially doubted this claim, and sent for our scientists.  Even though they already believed that daylight was a renewable resource, they set up several experiments to help us understand it more fully.  These experiments all involved a long-term study of the intensity and duration of daylight and was adjusted for weather conditions.  As it turns out, our scientists were unable to design a single experiment that showed that our consumption of that daylight affected the future availability of that daylight, try as they might (they created 406,123 separate experiments).  In fact, what our scientists' experiments showed was that we have very little or no impact on how much daylight is present, and that seasonal variations and weather variations account for much of the difference.

The second thing to note is that daylight is not evenly distributed around the globe.  Some of you may have heard that the seasons are caused by the tilting of the earth's axis relative to its orbit around the sun, but you may be surprised to know that the amount of daylight received at any point on the earth's surface is correlated to the latitude of that location.  This results in an uneven distribution of daylight, meaning that, during winter, those in higher latitudes are often starved of daylight while those in lower latitudes are not subjected to such privations.  On the other hand, during summer the situation is reversed, with those in higher latitudes receiving excessive amounts of daylight.

At the GNU Public Dictatorship we find this inequality disturbing, and we had thought that by fighting for Daylight Saving we would be able to create a bank of daylight that could be used to redistribute the wealth, but, as you will see in the next paragraph, that is apparently not the case.

The third idea to note is that daylight cannot be stored and retrieved in any reasonable manner known to our scientists.  While we can convert the energy to other forms, such as electrical charges, and then convert that back into light, we have as yet been unable to convert it back into daylight.

Lastly, Daylight Saving Time doesn't even attempt to actually save daylight or redistribute it to those who need it most.  It doesn't attempt to store it for future needs, and it doesn't do anything to address the cyclical nature of daylight levels.  In fact, all that it does it to change what we call certain times of day in order to encourage us to change our behavior based on this label.  In short, it is poorly named.  It should be called something more like "Daylight Shifting Time" as it accomplishes little else.  We apologize for being led astray thinking that we were saving the environment, but we are grateful to our scientists who helped us discover our error before we has spent too much time supporting a cheap trick instead of investing in technologies that will actually store, transport, and restore daylight.  We're still trying our best on these technologies, and now that our scientists are freed up we may make swifter progress!